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View Full Version : How can I make myself sterile without getting a vasectomy?


Winston Smith
06-11-2004, 11:04 AM
SmithWife is expecting our second child, and we've decided that two offspring is enough for us (ToddlerSmith f.k.a. BabySmith will be 2 in a few weeks). We've got what we think are a few sound reasons for the closing of Smith Family Procreation...

1. We just think two is enough for us (not to disparage those with larger families)
2. We're both 34, and our age certainly is a factor (again, just our opinion)
3. Due to my recent Emergency Appendectomy (http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=258442), I'm in no hurry to go "under the knife" again. Any knife.
4. Frozen Peas (http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=260265) :eek:
5. The Pill makes SmithWife sick in all it's many incarnations

By the way, the Stars (and SmithWife's Doctors) indicate FetusSmith shall be a Man Child. Huzzah!

So how 'bout it, fellow Dopers? Suggestions?

Winston

DeadlyAccurate
06-11-2004, 11:05 AM
I don't know of other ways for men, but there is a non-surgical but permanent method for women: www.essure.com.

CrazyCatLady
06-11-2004, 11:58 AM
Well as far as making yourself infertile, there's three options: vasectomy, castration, and some rather hard to get, very expensive hormone injections they use for guys with prostate cancer.

As far as birth control, there's a whole world of other options besides the pill. There's the patch, the ring, the various shots, and IUD's, all of which are similar to or better than the pill for reliability. There's also tubal ligation, which I believe is often done laparascopically and can be done while she's still in the hospital post-delivery. Many women who can't take the pill tolerate Nuvaring very well, and others do wonderfully on the minipill or other progestin-only methods. I can't take the pill, either, so I wound up with a Mirena (www.mirena.com), and it's the greatest thing ever. I haven't had a menstrual cramp since July, and I haven't had a period since August. The insertion was no picnic, but I love me some progestin. Love, love, love.

Indygrrl
06-11-2004, 11:59 AM
You can handle it. Bite the bullet and get the vasectomy. :D

Winston Smith
06-11-2004, 12:09 PM
<snip>... castration...<snip>*

:eek: :eek: :eek:

::runs screaming from thread::

*pun intended

don't ask
06-11-2004, 12:15 PM
Testicular Cancer?

CrazyCatLady
06-11-2004, 12:16 PM
Makes those frozen peas look pretty damn good, doesn't it?

Casey1505
06-11-2004, 12:25 PM
Would it be okay if, going forward, we refrain from using the words "bite" and "castration" in the same thread?

Constant masturbation lowers your sperm count, I believe. It also makes you blind and makes your palms hairy, so you'll have to take that into consideration.

Giraffe
06-11-2004, 12:32 PM
You could wrap a rubber band really tight around your balls. Once they turn black, you won't have to worry about unplanned pregnancy anymore!

Winston Smith
06-11-2004, 12:34 PM
You could wrap a rubber band really tight around your balls. Once they turn black, you won't have to worry about unplanned pregnancy anymore!

I started wearing tighty whiteys aain. Does that count?

:D

Giraffe
06-11-2004, 12:36 PM
I started wearing tighty whiteys aain. Does that count?That depends -- what size are you wearing? For best results, figure out what size you are and divide that by two.

haardvark
06-11-2004, 12:36 PM
It is my understanding that a SEVERE case of Strep Throat will cause sterility in males.

However, IANAD, NDIPOOT.

Q.E.D.
06-11-2004, 01:08 PM
Stick a big hunk of plutonium down your pants. After a few weeks of that, you'll be totally sterile. That, or your penis will go on to terrorize some small island nation in the Pacific. These things are never certain.

Giraffe
06-11-2004, 01:17 PM
That, or your penis will go on to terrorize some small island nation in the Pacific.Around here, we call that Spring Break.

Wesley Clark
06-11-2004, 01:36 PM
soaking the ballsack in hot water can cause sterility

http://www.puzzlepiece.org/bcontrol/kiser1962.html

I remember seeing this on TV, when some guys did it their sperm were all mutated and retarded. so they were essentially sterile.

Wesley Clark
06-11-2004, 01:37 PM
http://www.gumption.org/mcip/paper.html#vas

Here is a list of other methods including the hot water method.

Eleusis
06-11-2004, 01:41 PM
Seen this? (http://www.straightdope.com/classics/a960628.html)

Blunt trauma. Maybe a war wound a la Jake Barnes. You know, visit Bosnia or something. If you can't afford the airfare, you could always get a hammer.
Disease. You could try getting a disease that results in inflammation of the testes and scrotum, thereby causing sterility. You had the mumps? If that's out, my pen pal Camilla cites Merck's Medical Manual: "Epididymo-orchitis (inflammation of the epididymis and testis) may be a complication of urinary infection with prostatitis or urethritis, a sequela to gonorrhea, a complication of prostatic surgery or as a result of infection secondary to an indwelling catheter." Enough to get you started.

Eva Luna
06-11-2004, 01:46 PM
How about getting mumps? Doesn't that usually work for adults?

Hal Briston
06-11-2004, 02:19 PM
1. Disable the safety latch that prevents you from turning on the microwave while it's turned on.

2. Drop trou.

3. Open door, stand in front of said microwave, and fire that puppy up!

If nothing else, it'll probably make for a good "Ask the guy with nuked nads" thread.

NutMagnet
06-11-2004, 02:47 PM
1. Disable the safety latch that prevents you from turning on the microwave while it's turned on.

2. Drop trou.

3. Open door, stand in front of said microwave, and fire that puppy up!

and you might as well make some popcorn while you're at it.

Casey1505
06-11-2004, 03:00 PM
Borrow Ale's new keychain. (http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=260561)

fatmac98
06-11-2004, 03:06 PM
She could have her tubes tied right after the new baby arrives.

The Great Sun Jester
06-11-2004, 03:29 PM
Abstinence becomes more reliable with each successive child--there's simply no time! Just sayin....

Hombre, vasectomy is quick, cheap, much less invasive than tubal ligation, and odds are your woman will dig you for doing it. The hurtfulness is usually overstated in order to get sympathy, numerous cold beers without "that icey stare," additional time off from honey-do projects, more & better sofa time, etc.

Just ... don't do anything strenuous like cleaning the fish tank & changing the gravel when you get home because the novacaine will not have worn off before you get started, but man, it will before you finish.

Plus, the best part of getting the vasectomy is when the Dr. warns you of the upcoming novacaine shot by lifting up your dress and saying, "Little prick..."

Syntropy
06-11-2004, 03:43 PM
Get a job as an x-ray tech. Do not wear protective lead vest. That should do it. 'Course, the vasectomy would probably be faster. And healthier.
fatmac98 made a good suggestion; insurance usually covers it, too.

astro
06-11-2004, 03:53 PM
Pull out quick! It never fails.. well mostly never.

rjung
06-11-2004, 04:12 PM
Give BabySmith a baseball bat, then teach a new game called "hit Daddy's crotch." :eek:

(Oh, like it wouldn't happen anyway)

Dogzilla
06-11-2004, 04:23 PM
Smoke a lot of weed. That's supposed to lower your sperm count.

Winston Smith
06-11-2004, 06:28 PM
Smoke a lot of weed. That's supposed to lower your sperm count.

Ah, yes. I remember the good old days when I smoked up. Wait a minute...

No I don't. :D

Dangerosa
06-11-2004, 07:03 PM
Seriously, your wife went through labor once and is going to do it again (or underwent major surgery - or, like my friend, went through 40 hours of labor and then major surgery) to bring your children into life. And she probably has taken the brunt of birth control responsibility (unless you use condoms) for the term of your relationship - bite the bullet and buy a bag of frozen peas.

Shirley Ujest
06-11-2004, 07:33 PM
I don't get it. Are the frozen peas taken orally or do you stick one in the end of your penis to stop anything from coming out?

Oh, wait, that is where the term " Pea Shooter" Comes from.








Anywhooo,

You could just ride your bicycle and ram your scrotum on the cross bar numerous times.

Or be a contestant on Most Extreme Challange.









[size=1]

Shirley Ujest
06-11-2004, 07:37 PM
Is or Does the word scrotum ever get pluralized? Like to scrotums or Scroti?

I mean, they are always referred to as balls. Being that I am not an owner of a set, I have often pondered this eternal question.


Signed,

Curious

Queen Tonya
06-11-2004, 08:52 PM
You slay me, Shirley! :D


Seriously, not everyone needs the frozen peas, 3 days on the sofa recovery. As if 3 days is anything like 9 months and labor and episiotomies and chapped nipples..but I digress.

My dude had the big V a few months back and was delighted with what a non-event it turned out to be. He claims the psychological fear was twenty times greater than any actual discomfort involved. YMMV, of course, but probably not that dang much.

Chotii
06-11-2004, 08:57 PM
I don't know of other ways for men, but there is a non-surgical but permanent method for women: www.essure.com.

And I can vouch for its simplicity and lack of painfulness, having had it done 6 weeks after the birth of my 4th child:

I went into the outpatient surgery. I was given an IV and doped up, and when I woke up later it was done. Alas, I woke up slightly before they were done, so that I woke up going OW OW OW OW but I was drugged enough that while I remember saying that, I cannot remember the pain, nor would I hesitate to do it again if I thought it were necessary. By the time I left the building an hour or so later, I needed not so much as a Tylenol. Yes there was cramping that lasted off and on for a few days, and then sporadically for a few weeks. No, it was not intolerable, certainly no worse than I get with my periods.

3 months later, I went back for a hysterosalpingogram, which was not painful either, and that was that. I am sterile forever and aye, and there shall be no more oopses.

I like it because there was no cutting involved, because the chance of tubal pregnancy is exceedingly small, and because at least to date there have been no documented cases of 'failures' (pregnancies) following successful Essure procedures (there are many cases of 'failures' following both tubal ligations and vasectomies, particularly tubals done at the same time as a cesarean section).

Muffin
06-11-2004, 09:11 PM
If your wife does not want to get pregnant again, she could simply kick you in the nuts every time you start to get frisky.

Uvula Donor
06-11-2004, 09:13 PM
FetusSmith shall be a Man Child.

:eek: Dude, you're not really naming the kid after that old guy on Gunsmoke, are you?








What? That's Festus? Oh. Never mind...

Mangetout
06-11-2004, 09:29 PM
Get a camel to sneak up behind you with two bricks...

emekthian
06-12-2004, 06:24 PM
Is or Does the word scrotum ever get pluralized? Like to scrotums or Scroti?

If scrotum was a 2nd declension neuter Latin noun, the plural would be scrota.

Shirley Ujest
06-12-2004, 06:27 PM
If scrotum was a 2nd declension neuter Latin noun, the plural would be scrota.

Thus giving the name to the landfall: Nova Scrota.


Ohhhh Canaaaadaaaaa!

Ace309
06-12-2004, 07:00 PM
There's something wrong with "scrotum" being neuter.

citrus x paradisi
06-12-2004, 07:13 PM
As someone who lost a large amount of his cola to the keyboard while reading this thread, I ask... nay, DEMAND that the man-child be named FetusSmith. :D

Winston Smith
06-12-2004, 09:43 PM
If your wife does not want to get pregnant again, she could simply kick you in the nuts every time you start to get frisky.

So what you're saying is we should maintain the status quo, eh?

Eh?

Winston Smith
06-12-2004, 10:00 PM
As someone who lost a large amount of his cola to the keyboard while reading this thread, I ask... nay, DEMAND that the man-child be named FetusSmith. :D

...and Winston Smith begat [/b]FetusSmith[/b] who begat EmbryoSmith who begat CellSmith who begat AtomSmith who begat...

Wait a minute...

AtomSmith would be a kick-ass Band Name!

Ryle Dup
06-13-2004, 10:03 AM
Is or Does the word scrotum ever get pluralized? Like to scrotums or Scroti?

I mean, they are always referred to as balls. Being that I am not an owner of a set, I have often pondered this eternal question.


Signed,

Curious



I believe scrotum refers to either the whole package, or the skin / sack that contains the balls. So it really isn't pluralized all that much.

erislover
06-13-2004, 10:16 AM
OK, in looking up the plural of scrotum (http://www.m-w.com/cgi-bin/dictionary?va=scrotum), I see the etymology comes from the latin scrautum which they give as "quiver". As in, "trembling," or as in, "... of arrows"? Because both make sense to me.

Anyway.

Brainiac4
06-13-2004, 10:40 AM
The vasectomy is not a big deal. Yeah, it hurts a bit afterwards, for a couple of days. And you do have to shave your scrotum, which is... um... odd.

But it's not much pain, not much of an inconvenience, and does tend to result in extra Loving Attention (tm) to the aggrieved parts. :D

Roadwalker
06-13-2004, 04:51 PM
just get a vasectomy, dude

Winston Smith
06-13-2004, 05:51 PM
just get a vasectomy, dude

Yeah, that seems to be the genaral concensus, Roadwalker

Snip, snip, right? If I suffer, I'll bear it quietly and blame you and Indygrrl. ;)

Where's Handy when you need 'im?

Syntropy
06-13-2004, 06:18 PM
Yeah, can't even use increased prostate risk (http://www.cancer.org/docroot/NWS/content/NWS_1_1x_Vasectomy_Does_Not_Increase_Prostate_Cancer_Risk.asp) as an excuse any more....

Syntropy
06-13-2004, 06:20 PM
Er. That was supposed to be increased prostate CANCER risk... :smack: