A joke -- that's all.

[Trunk]

I just thought I'd fire off one of my favorite jokes. Are we allowed to do that in here? Well, whatever. . .


Joe is standing in his yard one day and he sees the new neighbor walking down the street. So Joe introduces himself, they get to talking, and he asks the new guy "what do you do for a living?"

"I'm a deductive reasonist at the University."

"A deductive reasonist -- what's that?"

The new guy says, "Well, let me give you an example. . .I say that you're a heterosexual."

"That's right! How did you know?"

"Well, I notice you have a dog house. If you have a dog house, you must have a dog. If you have a dog, you must have kids to play with it. If you have kids, you must have a wife. If you have a wife, you must be a heterosexual."

"Well. . .that's just great."

So, they say their goodbyes and next thing you know, another neighbor comes up to Joe and says, "I see you were talking to the new guy."

"Yup"

"So what's he do for a living."

"He's a deductive reasonist at the University."

"A deductive reasonist -- what's that?"

"Well," Joe says, "let me give you an example. . .do you have a dog?"

"Well, no, I don't."

"Faggot."

[Mr. Blue Sky]

And I always thought jokes were supposed to be funny.

Learn something new everyday!

[Chill]

That wasn't bad, actually. Not exactly "haha" funny, but more like a mere "heh".

:D

One of my favorites (I'm sure most of you have already heard it)

A Mom is driving her little girl to her friend's house for a play date. "Mommy," the little girl asks, "how old are you?" The mother looks over at the little girl, "Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age, it isn't polite." the mother warns. "Ok," the little girl says, "How much do you weigh?"

"Now really," the mother says, "these are personal questions and are really none of your business." Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and daddy get a divorce?"

"That is enough questions, honestly!" The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.

"My Mom wouldn't tell me anything," the little girl says to her friend. "Well," said the friend, "all you need to do is look at her driver's license. It is like a report card, it has everything on it." Later that night the little girl says to her mother, "I know how old you are. You're 32." The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you find that out?"

"I also know that you weigh 140 pounds." The mother is past surprise and shock now. "How in heavens name did you find that out?" The little girl continues on triumphantly, "And... I know why you and daddy got divorce."

"Oh really?", the mother asks, "Why is that?" To which the girl replies, "Because you got an F in sex."


HA!

[dnooman]

One of my current favorites:

A guy walks into a bar with his monkey. The guy sits at the bar and the monkey goes over to watch a game of pool being played. After a few minutes the monkey jumps up on the table and swallows the cue ball. The man and the monkey are asked to leave, the man apologizes profusely.

Two weeks later the guy comes back to the bar with his monkey again. Just as the bartender begins to object, the man says "Don't worry, he'll stay right here with me." The bartender agrees to let them stay.

After a while the guy asks if the bar has any peanuts or pretzles, and the bartender brings over a bowl of each. The monkey tentatively reaches for a peanut, eyes it, sticks it up his butt, and then eats it. This gets the attention of the bartender, but he lets it slide. Then the monkey reaches for a pretzle, eyes it, sticks it up his butt and then eats it.

At this point the bartender has to intervene, "Hey buddy that's disgusting. Why the hell is your monkey doing that?" The guy says "Well, ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he tests everything before he eats it."

[RandMcnally]

At this point the bartender has to intervene, "Hey buddy that's disgusting. Why the hell is your monkey doing that?" The guy says "Well, ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he tests everything before he eats it."

What? Can you please explain this to me, 'cuz I don't get it.

[Mr. Blue Sky]

What? Can you please explain this to me, 'cuz I don't get it.

The monkey ate the cue ball and, well, let's say the end result was painfully unpleasant.

[Lady Kate]

Okay, my turn to post a silly joke. I just heard this one today.


This blonde Highway Patrolwoman is patrolling the highway when another blonde speeds past her in the opposite direction. The patrolwoman flips on her lights and siren, turns around and pulls over the other blonde. She asks the driver for her driver's license, which puzzles the woman. She says she doesn't know what that is and asks the patrolwoman to explain it to her. The patrolwoman gestures with her hands and tells her it's a small square with her picture on it. The driver gets a smile on her face and reaches for her purse. She rummages around inside it, pulls out a mirrored compact and opens it. She then hands it to the patrolwoman, asking, "Is this what you mean?" The patrolwoman takes the compact, looks at herself in the mirror and says, "Well, if I'd known you were a Highway Patrolwoman I wouldn't have pulled you over."

Yeah, I know. It rates a "meh" at best. :rolleyes:

[DrDeth]

Trunk- got a smile, but not very PC, eh? :eek:

Chill- I hate precocious kids jokes in general- but that one wasn't too bad.

dnooman- a bit subtle, but I like it! :cool:

Lady Kate- not too funny all by itself, but a good addition to either cop or blonde jokes. ;)

[LorieSmurf]

What? Can you please explain this to me, 'cuz I don't get it.

Took me a few seconds to get it too. Now I'm laughing my ass off......

[JRootabega]

And I always thought jokes were supposed to be funny.


It is funny.

[Mr. Blue Sky]

It is funny.

To each his own.

[JRootabega]

To each his own.
Then what motivated you to open your mouth in the first place?

[Mr. Blue Sky]

Then what motivated you to open your mouth in the first place?

Trunk posted it. I read it. I gave an opinion. It's how this board works.

[JRootabega]

No thanks, you don't need to tell me how the board works.

You posted a rude and "witty" insinuation that the joke was not funny at all.

[Mr. Blue Sky]

No thanks, you don't need to tell me how the board works.

You posted a rude and "witty" insinuation that the joke was not funny at all.

:rolleyes:

Whatever.

[Mr. Blue Sky]

No thanks, you don't need to tell me how the board works.

You posted a rude and "witty" insinuation that the joke was not funny at all.


Which part of "And I thought" escapes you as a personal opinion and not a final judgement?

[ioioio]

I was walking down the street when I saw an very elderly gentleman sitting on a park bench, crying. I was concerned, so I approached him and asked what was the matter. "I just got married last week," he said, "to a beautiful 22-year-old woman, and we've been having incredible sex day and night."
"Why is that such a problem?," I asked.
He sobbed, "I can't remember where I live."

[x-ray vision]

What's the opposite of Christopher Reeve?

Christopher Walken

[Chill]

What's the opposite of Christopher Reeve?

Christopher Walken


Awww, that's mean!

[danceswithcats]

Two priests and a rabbi hike together regularly to stay fit. One hot and humid day, they reach a clearing at woods edge and nearby is a spring fed pond of inviting, cool water. With little hesitation, the three are swimming in their birthday suits like youngsters. One of them spots a cluster of raspberry bushes close to the pond, and the three enjoy the sweet fruit.

Into the clearing there suddenly appears a group of children on a nature walk, led by some ladies from town. The two priests cover their genitals, the rabbi covers his face, and the naked trio makes haste for the treeline.

Once out of sight, one of the priests says to the rabbi, "What were you thinking, covering your face?" The rabbi replies, "For your congregation I cannot speak, but in mine, it's my face they would recognize."

[Shade]

Michael and Niall were walking past the church. Niall says to Michael, “I’m going to stop and go to confession. I need to ask the priest for absolution.”
“Absolution for what?” asks Michael.
“I’ve been engaging in sexual intercourse with a young lady, yet we are not married.”
Niall goes into the confessional, kneels down and says,
“Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. I’ve been engaging in sexual intercourse with a young lady, yet we are not married.”
The Priest says, “Who have you been with, my son?”
Niall replies, “Father, I couldn’t tell you that, it wouldn’t seem right to.”
“If one of the girls in my Parish has strayed into sin, I should know about it,” answers the Priest.
But Niall would not give the Priest a name.
“Was it Nancy McFadden?”
“No, Father.”
“Was it Molly O’Shea?”
“No, Father.”
“Was it Mary Fogarty?”
“No, Father.”
“My son, if you can’t tell me who you have been with then I can’t give you absolution.”
Niall leaves the confessional and meets up again with Michael.
Michael asks, “So, did the priest give you absolution?”
Niall answers, “No, but he gave me three very good leads.”

[tailake]

> > > An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally
> > > said that the bar is closing.
> > >
> > > So the Irishman stood up to leave fell flat on his face. He tried to
> > > stand one more time; same result. He figured he'll crawl outside and get
> > > some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.
> > >
> > > Once outside, he stood up and fell on his face again. So he decided to
> > > crawl the four blocks home.
> > >
> > > When he arrived at the door he stood up and fell flat on his face. He
> > > crawled through the door and into his bedroom.
> > >
> > > When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up. This time he
> > > managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into the bed
> > > and is sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.
> > >
> > > He was awakened the next morning to his wife standing over him,
> > > shouting, "SO YOU'VE BEEN DRINKING AGAIN!"
> > >
> > > Putting on an innocent look, and intent on bluffing it out he said, "What
> > > makes you say that?"
> > >
> > > "The pub just called; you left your wheelchair there again!"

[dnooman]

Shameless copy and paste from my post in another thread:

A guy walks into a bar with his monkey. The guy sits at the bar and the monkey goes over to watch a game of pool being played. After a few minutes the monkey jumps up on the table and swallows the cue ball. The man and the monkey are asked to leave, the man apologizes profusely.

Two weeks later the guy comes back to the bar with his monkey again. Just as the bartender begins to object, the man says "Don't worry, he'll stay right here with me." The bartender agrees to let them stay.

After a while the guy asks if the bar has any peanuts or pretzles, and the bartender brings over a bowl of each. The monkey tentatively reaches for a peanut, eyes it, sticks it up his butt, and then eats it. This gets the attention of the bartender, but he lets it slide. Then the monkey reaches for a pretzle, eyes it, sticks it up his butt and then eats it.

At this point the bartender has to intervene, "Hey buddy that's disgusting. Why the hell is your monkey doing that?" The guy says "Well, ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he tests everything before he eats it."

[dnooman]

Uh, ignore that last one. :smack:



Take 2...

[Muffin]

Now [i]that]/i] was funny. :p

[saramamalana]

I came home the other day and my boyfriend said "I think you might be a pedophile." I said "Wow, that's a pretty big word for a 9 year old."

[Enright3]

I came home the other day and my boyfriend said "I think you might be a pedophile." I said "Wow, that's a pretty big word for a 9 year old."
OK, can I say it?
This joke is... Funny. As. Hell!

Yep, I'm going to be telling this one again!

[Bad News Baboon]

The cue ball /monkey one is my new favorite.
It was even funny the second time!

[danceswithcats]

A painter is whitewashing the inside of an outhouse when his ladder slips and he falls into the muck. Unable to climb out without assistance, he screams, "FIRE! FIRE!! FIRE!!!" Several minutes pass and he hears the wail of sirens, and shortly thereafter a Captain and engine company are staring down at him.
"Where's the fire?" asks the Captain. "There isn't one," tha painter replies.
"Then what did you yell FIRE for?"
"Would you guys have come out if I'd yelled 'SHIT! SHIT!! SHIT!!!'?"

[RAWDuke]

Two antennae met on a rooftop, and fell in love.

They decided to get married.

The ceremony wasn’t much.

But the reception was terrific.

[Askance]

Why did they hang the Brown Paper Cowboy?

Rustlin'




What's the biggest problem Dildo Farmers have?

Squatters.

[Binarydrone]

There was once an island where the inhabitants worshiped immortal dolphins as their gods. Every year they would sacrifice baby seagulls to these immortal dolphins. One year, as it came time for the sacrifice, they found that there were no seagulls anymore. They did notice huge flocks of them flying around a neighboring island that was inhabited by long time rivals.

So they hopped in their canoes, and snuck over. As they were going up the path to the seagull nesting place, they came across a pair of majestic lions asleep on the path. They quietly tiptoed over the lions, grabbed the baby gulls and quietly tiptoed back.

Just as they were about to get back in their canoes and head home, a bunch of the warriors from the tribe came and arrested them. What was the charge?


Transporting young gulls over stately lions for immortal porpoises

[lieu]

Two guys were standing near the front of a department store, pacing back and forth. One turns to the other and says "Waiting on your wife?" The other says "Yeah, 30 minutes now."

The first says "Hey, let's help each other find them and that way we can get out of here. What's your look like?"

The second guy says "Well, she's 28, blonde, big lips, large breasts, tight little butt and she's wearing a pink sweater. What's your's look like?"

Guy #1 says "Hell, forget my wife, let's go look for yours!"

[plnnr]

How many male chauvinist pigs does it take to screw in a light bulb?














FUCK HER! LET HER COOK IN THE DARK!

[Shade]

How many male chauvinist pigs does it take to screw in a light bulb?Q. How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. That's not funny!

Q. How many passive-aggressives does it does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. None. You go off and enjoy yourselves, I'll just sit here in the dark.

[mhendo]

danceswithcats, i love the priest/rabbi joke.

And while we're on the subject of lightbulb jokes...

How does an American change a lightbulb?

Holds the bulbs and waits for the world to revolve around him.

[Jurph]

Transporting young gulls over stately lions for immortal porpoises

I always thought this one scanned better on delivery when you call them

...SEDATE lions.


...but YMMV. And I've heard an amazingly long-winded shaggy-dog version of this that involves a man who thinks he's the reincarnation of Noah. The action all takes place at a zoo.

[Clothahump]

There's always the story of Quasimodo, who decided to retire from his position
as the bellringer at Notre Dame. He placed an ad in the Paris newspaper, but
the only person to respond was a bilateral amputee. When asked how he would
ring the bells, the applicant jumped out, caught the rope in his teeth and
proceeded to swing from rope to rope, ringing the bells. This kept on for a
minute or so, until he missed, fell head-first onto the largest bell, then
fell screaming to his death below.

Two nuns walking across the cathedral floor stopped and looked at the body.
One says, "Sister, have you ever seen this man before?" And the other says,
"No, but his face sure rings a bell."



And the first says, "You're right. The man's a dead ringer for Quasimodo."


(I like this joke because it's a double-barreled pun. Let the groans from the
first line die down, and whammo - drill 'wm with the second line) :D