Your favorite dumb joke

[Derleth]

I know you. You're a sophisticated Doper, the veteran of a thousand "Watcha Readin'?" and "The Allegory of the Sniper in Deus Ex" threads. You like to think you only laugh at highbrow, sophisticated stuff, like MST3K and Weebl and Bob.

Of course you aren't. You laugh at stupid, stupid jokes, just like the rest of us.

Allow me to demonstrate:

What sound does an aerodynamic spring make?
Boeing!

Two guys walked into a bar. The second one really should have ducked.

What's the sound of two atoms colliding?
Planck!

Why did the math major go to the rave?
He really loves e.

Why did Zeno cross the road?
Because space is quantum (http://everything2.com/index.pl?node_id=609572).

How many Dopers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Lessee, would the 'screwing' make it an MPSIMS thing, or would the technical aspects make it more GQ terroitory, or should I Pit the old bulb for burning out?

(Oh, please add your own.)

[Kitchen Wench]

Hey, did you hear about the plastic surgeon who hung himself?

[Rufus Xavier]

- Knock, knock!
- Who goest there?
- It is I, the Interrupting Bovine.
- The Interrupt-
- Moo.

[Queen Tonya]

My all time favorite, just too stupid for words so ya can't help but laugh joke:



What do you call four people in a Yugo?

A Wego. :D

[bughunter]

- A priest, a rabbi and a lawyer walk into a bar. The bartender says "what is this, some kind of joke?"

- Two ropes walk into a bar and order a beer. The bartender points to a sign that says "No Ropes Served." So they go outside, tie themselves into a knot, and fray out their ends. They walk back into the bar and sit down. The bartender looks at them and says "aren't you two ropes?" To which they reply, "No, we're a-frayed knot."

[Tikki]

Why was the little bird so happy?











He had just made a big deposit on a new car.

[Slacker]

Hear about the guy running around naked in the church?



They caught him by the organ.

[jnglmassiv]

Why didn't the chicken cross the road?





He was chicken.

[Backwater Under_Duck]

Why did the Hollywood chicken cross the road?














To see his friend Gregory, peck.

[Rilchiam]

Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?

He didn't have the guts.

[Harborwolf]

A woman walked into a bar and asked the bartender for a double entendre. . . so he gave her one. ;)

[wolfman]

Did ya here about the dyslexic cop who got fired on New Years night?





He was giving everybody IUDs.

[Unintentionally Blank]

What's brown and sticky?



A Stick!

[Survey1215]

my grandmother told me this years ago.


Two nuns were riding bikes down a cobblestone street. The first looked at the second and said 'I've never come this way before.'

[Rdshooze]

What does a dyslexic, agnostic insomniac do?



He lies awake at night, wondering if there really is a Dog.

[Larry Mudd]

Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?

It was dead.



A rubber ball, a piece of string, and Antwerp, Belgium walk into a bar...
Hahaha. Sorry, I forgot the punchline, but jesus.. Antwerp. I slay myself.

[richardb]

(You did say favorite DUMB joke....)

What do you call a can opener that doesn't work?

A CAN'T opener!!!!!!!

(Proper over-emphasis on the word "can't" a requirement when repeating this gem)

[Mariemarie]

Why did Tigger put his head in the toilet?

He was looking for Pooh!

[Chanteuse]

What does a 500 pound canary say?

[deep voice]"Here, kitty, kitty, kitty!"[/deep voice]

Or

"CHIRP!!"

[RealTronic]

A horse walks into a bar... The bartender says "Why the long face?"

[SolGrundy]

A woman walked into a bar and asked the bartender for a double entendre. . . so he gave her one. ;)
Dumb joke? That's one of my favorites! Although to nitpick: I always heard it "so he gave it to her."


So the judge says to Mickey, "You can't divorce Minnie just because you say she's acting crazy." And Mickey says, "I didn't say she was acting crazy; I said she was fucking Goofy!"

[Atticus Finch]

A guy walks into a bar with a giraffe. The girraffe sits down on the floor while he has a drink. The man goes to walk out, and the barman says, "Hey, you can't leave that lyin' around here!"

The man replies, "It's not a lion, it's a giraffe."

[Trillionaire]

What do you call a fish with three eyes?

A fiiish

[Trunk]

What's the best time to go to the dentist?

Two-thirty.

[swampbear]

What's blackandwhiteandblackandwhiteandblackandwhiteandblackandwhite all over?

A nun falling down stairs.

What's blackandwhiteandblackandblue all over?

Same nun the day after she fell down the stairs.


And one more for the road (I looooooove this joke):

Whats blackandwhiteandgreenandwhiteandblack and smells terrible?

Two skunks fighting over a pickle.


Thank You Dopers! I'll be here all week.

[glee]

A woman walked into a bar and asked the bartender for a double entendre. . . so he gave her one.

Dumb joke? That's one of my favorites! Although to nitpick: I always heard it "so he gave it to her."


[Wild West accent ON] Well around here, stranger, we kinda reckon that 'gave her one' means summat else, see? [Wild West accent ON]

How do you get two tigers in a car?
One in the front, one in the back.

How do you get two elephants in a car?
You can't - it's full of tigers!

How do you get two whales in a car?
Down the M4. :confused: :smack: :D

[TwoTrouts]

What did the fish say when he swam into a concrete wall?

"Dam!"


One hydrogen atom says to another , "I've lost an electron!"
"Are you sure?"
"I'm positive!"

[DeVena]

Ok you have to say this one out loud...

Knock Knock.

Who's there?

I'm full up.







I'm full up who?

<giggle>

[PookahMacPhellimey]

Why does the Marxist only drink herbal tea?

Because proper tea is theft.

[Eve]

What's blackandwhiteandblackandwhiteandblackandwhiteandblackandwhite all over?

What's blackandwhiteandblackandblue all over?

What's black and white and can't through a revolving door?

A nun with a spear through her head!

[nitroglycerine]

Why did the belt get arrested?


It was holding up the pants.

[tanstaafl]

What do you get when you cross an elephant with a grape?

elephant grape sin(theta)

[NutMagnet]

A woman walks into a bar with a duck under her arm.

The bartender says, "Hey! Where'd you get the pig?"

The woman says, "It's a DUCK, not a pig!"

The bartender says, "I was talkin' to the DUCK."

[Shade]

What do you get when you cross an elephant with a grape?Q. What do you get if you cross a mosquito with a mountain goat?
A. You can't. The mosquito is a vector and the goat is a scaler!

[Draelin]

Where are an elephant's sex organs?
In his feet--if he steps on you, you're fucked.


And since I don't think this one's been done yet ...

What's black and white and red all over?
A nun in a blender.


And for the ladies ...

What do you call a three-foot man with a ten-inch tongue who can breathe through his ears?
Perfect.

[Ethilrist]

Where do you find a dog with no legs?
Right where you left him.

What do you do when you break a toe?
Call a toe truck.

How do you get down off an elephant?
You don't, you get down off a duck.

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't return when you throw it?
A stick.

What's the difference between a dead lawyer in the road and a dead skunk in the road?
There are skidmarks in front of the skunk.

[Mal Adroit]

A guy goes to a doctor and says, "Doc, I don't know what to do. Every night I dream I'm either a wigwam or a teepee. I'm a wigwam, I'm a teepee. I'm a wigwam, I'm a teepee. Can you tell me what's wrong with me?"
The doctor says, "Yeah. You're too tense."

[FlippyFly]

this one is a little longer, but it's good and dumb.

A traveling chess team is returning to the hotel after a day long chess tournament. They congregate in the hotel lobby and discuss the events of the day, moves they made, games they won. The hotel clerk approaches the captain of the team and says

"I'm sorry, but you are going to have to return to your rooms."

the captain replys "I don't understand, what is the problem?"

to which the clerk responds "well sir, it seems some of our guests just don't want to listen to chess nuts boasting in an open foyer

[KRC]

The eighties version of the nun joke:

What's black and white and red all over?

A nun in Guatemala.


Another 80's joke:

Why did the village idiot wear condoms on his ears?

So he wouldn't catch hearing aids.

[Enginerd]

How do you sell a duck to a deaf man?

Caution: this is a stupid, and I do mean stupid, joke.
scream at the top of your lungs
DO YOU WANT TO BUY A DUCK?

[vl_mungo]

There was once a snail who always dreamed of becoming a race-car driver. One day he learned that his uncle had died and left him a large amount of money! Now his dream could be realized! He bought himself a race car, souped it up, and then painted large red letter S's all over it.

I would be in debt to anyone who can remember the movie which has a crashing bore (with a beard) who repeats this joke at a party several times?

[vl_mungo]

Damn... here's the whole joke:

There was once a snail who always dreamed of becoming a race-car driver. One day he learned that his uncle had died and left him a large amount of money! Now his dream could be realized! He bought himself a race car, souped it up, and then painted large red letter S's all over it.

When he was at his first race, a friend of his asked why had had painted his car that way. "Simple," the snail replied. "When people see me and my race car go zooming down the track, I want them all to exclaim, Look at that S-car go!"

[Chill]

A blonde decides to show her husband that despite what everyone says, blondes really are smart.

While her husband is at work, she decides that she is going to paint the living room in their house. So the next day as soon as he leaves, she gets down to the task at hand.

Her husband arrives home after work and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a parka and a mink. He asks her what she is doing. She replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb and she wanted to do it by painting the room.

He says that he was impressed at the good job she had done, but what's with her wearing the two coats?
She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and they said, ''FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS".

[Chill]

Damn... here's the whole joke:

There was once a snail who always dreamed of becoming a race-car driver. One day he learned that his uncle had died and left him a large amount of money! Now his dream could be realized! He bought himself a race car, souped it up, and then painted large red letter S's all over it.

When he was at his first race, a friend of his asked why had had painted his car that way. "Simple," the snail replied. "When people see me and my race car go zooming down the track, I want them all to exclaim, Look at that S-car go!"

I used to LOVE this joke when I was a kid!!

[Lathe of Heaven]

What's the best day for a parade?

March 4th.

[monstro]

Forestry joke:

Two trees--one beech, one birch--start talking in a forest, and notice a sapling coming up between them.

Birch: "They looks like one of mine."

Beech: "What are you talking 'bout? That is a beech, just like his daddy."

For days the two argue back and forth. One day, a woodpecker flies into the neighborhood and the trees call him over.

"You're a tree expert, Mr. Woodpecker. What kind of tree is that?" asks one of the trees.

"Let's see," the bird says, inspecting the sapling. "It's not a son of a beech. It's not a son of a birch. But it is a fine piece of ash!"

Ba-da-bump-bump.

[MLS]

What did the Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor?

"Make me one with everything."

[MLS]

In the previous joke, the Buddhist hands the hot dog vendor a $10 bill. The vendor puts it in the till and smiles. "Hey, where's my change?" says the Buddhist.

"Change comes from within."

[zippyh]

I would be in debt to anyone who can remember the movie which has a crashing bore (with a beard) who repeats this joke at a party several times?

It's from Trading Places with Eddie Murphy and Dan Aykroyd.

[tremorviolet]

What's the difference between a nun in church and a nun in the bath?


One has hope in her soul and the other has soap in her... ;)


Second favorite:

A guy discovers he has a really smart horse. This horse totally puts Clever Hans to shame. The horse is sooooo smart he quickly masters calculus and differential equations. But the horse has a flaw. No matter how much his owner tutors him, the horse simply cannot grasp Cartesian coordinates. In fact, whenever the owner even attempts to teach the horse geometry, the horse gets really upset. In desperation, the owner goes to the most learned professor at the university and explains the problem.

The professor says "The answer is simple. Everyone knows you can't put Descartes before the horse." (cue the groans :) )

[Rufus Xavier]

"Change comes from within."

Reminds me of the classic:

How many psychologists does it take to change a lightbulb?

One, but it has to want to change.

[Chanteuse]

How do you sell a duck to a deaf man?

Caution: this is a stupid, and I do mean stupid, joke.
scream at the top of your lungs
DO YOU WANT TO BUY A DUCK?


Stupid? Most assuredly. Hilarious? Absolutely!!

Here's another:

How do you kill a blue elephant?
Shoot him with a blue elephant gun.

How do you kill a pink elephant?
You hold his trunk till he turns blue, then you shoot him with the blue elephant gun.

[St. Urho]

Did you hear about the new pirate movie coming out?
-It's rated arrrrrrrrr!

A dog is out frolicking in a field, when he notices a horse tied up to the fence. The horse looks pretty agitated from watching the dog playing for so long. So the dog goes up to the horse and says, "Hey, what's the problem?" and the horse says, "Holy Shit, a talking dog!"

And the version I know of a previously mentioned joke:
Did you hear Yugo's making a van now?
-It's called WeAllGo

[Second Star to the Right]

Why should you never fly with Peter Pan?











Because you'll Never Never Land!


:D

[SolGrundy]

Did you hear about the new pirate movie coming out?
-It's rated arrrrrrrrr!
A pirate walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Hey, did you know you've got a steering wheel in your crotch?" The pirate says, "Arrr! It's drivin' me nuts!"

[Go You Big Red Fire Engine]

Two ducks are sitting in a bath, one says to the other, can you pass me the soap, and the other one says, what do I look like? A toaster?

[Trunk]

Did you hear about the new pirate movie coming out?
-It's rated arrrrrrrrr!

What does a Jewish Pirate get on his 13th birthday?

A barrrrrr-mitvah!