FYI: A lady's corset provides minimal protection against a dildo attack.

[Stonebow]

Okay, I'll preface this by saying that my wife and I are in the SCA (medieval research/ re-enactment society), so you know that we're not quite right.

My wife was working on making a new corset. It's a very nice corset. Heavy cotton on the outside layers, canvas on the inside, steel boning running vertically at points. Those of you who know my wife know that she is very busty, so this thing was built to contain her ample assets. Lacing up the back, very stylish. Neutral colors, so it can be worn with pretty much anything.

Okay. I am an armorer. Not a very good one, but not bad. I do leatherwork, mostly. I fight in all of the armor that I make- it is fully functional. Well, I am toying with the idea of making an armored surcoat- a knee-length shirt with plates sewn in between several layers of cloth. It will be flexible, but also very strong, since I'm using steel plates.

My wife, after completing her project, let me try it on to see how the design worked, assuming we could redo it with larger pockets on the inside to hold the plates instead of the boning. It was very firm. I was impressed.

It was then decided that we should test it, to see how well it worked. After a few slaps on the tummy with a hairbrush, she grabbed the closest thing to hand that approximated a 'real' weapon- a double headed, 18" ice blue jelly dong.

Never mind, that's not important right now.

She slaps me with it a few times, and then fetches me a blow to my ribs that ends up leaving a bruise even through the corset. It still stings if I breathe deeply.

So fellas, a word of warning. If you ever want your lady to hit you with a dong, be sure to wear something a little more substantial than her underwear. Leather is definitely preferable.

Forget the dong. It is only tangential to the moral of the story.

[Ethilrist]

Wouldn't that count as a non-rigid parry?

[Binarydrone]

...Forget the dong. It is only tangential to the moral of the story.
Sorry to say, but I think that the chances of that happening approach zero.

[Finagle]

on the tummy with a hairbrush, she grabbed the closest thing to hand that approximated a 'real' weapon- a double headed, 18" ice blue jelly dong.



Must have been a +2 Dildo of Smiting. I know I never ran across one of those in Diablo II or Baldur's Gate. I am curious that your wife's character class is apparently expert level in beating with meat. Usually that's a guy thing. I suppose you could consider it a flail, though.

So, next time you stride out on the field, are you going to forego your usual long sword?

[zephyrine]

Forget the dong.
I've tried. But I just can't.

[Larry Mudd]

Geez, in the most recent thread about your wife's hand-fashioned undergarments, we got to see pictures.

Never mind, actually.

[lieu]

I comprehended the lesson but, pray tell, what is the moral of the 18 inch long, double headed, ice blue dong whack-a-corset story?

[Ethilrist]

Lieu--"There's a place for everything, and everything in its place."

[Uvula Donor]

She slaps me with it a few times, and then fetches me a blow to my ribs that ends up leaving a bruise even through the corset. It still stings if I breathe deeply...
Wow, that musta hurt. Good thing she didn't stick it up your...
Um...never mind. :eek: :D

[badmana]

Bahahahahahahahahaahahahahaha<cough>ahahahahahahahahahahahahaahahahah!

Thanks for nearly getting me in trouble at work.

I'd think a dildo was a piercing weapon and would face a -2 penalty as a crushing weapon.

[silenus]

Oh, c'mon, people! Can't you see? The corset being worn by a man, the hairbrush, the dress Strongbow is making (sure, he calls it a surcoat! Read his description - it's a dress!) What we have here is a classic thinly-disguised plea for understanding, and an admission that Stonebow is a cross-dresser! (Not that there's anything wrong with that!) :D

But I would like to ask just what "real" weapon is being approximated by said ice-blue jelly dong?

[Bippy the Beardless]

If being hit with a blue dong wearing your wife's corset does not count as creative anachronysm, I don't know what does.

[Yamirskoonir]

Hmmm. I wonder if a double headed, 18" ice blue jelly dong would pass weapons inspection. I could use it as a secondary, considering my shield gets ripped away from me 8 times out of 10 in those stupid "belted vs. everybody else" cluster f#&k scenarios...

And I know a field marshal that owes me a favor - Ooo, the possibilities! :D

[FaerieBeth]

...but, pray tell, what is the moral of the 18 inch long, double headed, ice blue dong whack-a-corset story?


I think of it as sort of a perversion of Miranda:
You have the right to avoid buying your wife "surprises" over the internet. Should you refuse that right, any "surprise" you buy can, and most likely will, be used against you.

[Zebra]

I wonder if an 18"DHIBJD could get through airport security?

[ioioio]

Ah, it was a 520's style death dong.

[Nutty Bunny]

WHY am I picturing Daffy Duck, as Robin Hood, weilding a Double-Headed 18" Ice Blue Jelly Dong?

[Ethilrist]

I wonder if an 18"DHIBJD could get through airport security?
Heck, if people can get vibrators past security, this shouldn't be much of a problem.

[lieu]

[Mr Science]
Earthquake damage is usually much worse over soft, unconsolidated soils. Would the same principle render jelly dong vibrators too dangerous to handle?

I'm just... you know... looking out for y'alls well being and all.
[Mr. Science]

[RTFirefly]

I wonder if an 18"DHIBJD could get through airport security?Oh, sure, but don't be surprised if the scanner operator giggles a bit.

[silenus]

It is now the beholden duty of all posters to this thread to spread the term 18"DHIBJD throughout the land, confusing the 'danes and causing those in the know to giggle uncontrollably. :D

[Draelin]

*wheezing, crying, beating the desk, hoping the boss doesn't wonder what I'm laughing at*

I now have this indelible image of Beth with the Blue Dong of Death and Dismemberment that will haunt me to the end of my days.

But it just barely overshadows the rather amusing thought of you in Beth's corset. ;)

[Stonebow]

I wonder if an 18"DHIBJD could get through airport security?

Well, the vertabrae inside (allows it to bend, flex, and hold shape) are plastic, so it would not set off the detectors. Tell you what- next time we fly, I'll tape it to my leg. Of course, it'll have to be taped to my right leg..there's scarse room on the left for anything else. :p

And no, I'm not a crossdresser...though I do wear my wife's undies to work on occasion, because she asks me to.


what?


You people need to get your minds out of the gutter. The marriage bed is sacred.

[ioioio]

It is now the beholden duty of all posters to this thread to spread the term 18"DHIBJD throughout the land, confusing the 'danes and causing those in the know to giggle uncontrollably. :D
You asked for it. (http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showpost.php?p=5063156&postcount=172) :eek: :eek:

[Loach]

You asked for it.

I refuse to open that link ;)

[Rufus Xavier]

[Homer Simpson] mmmmmm....ice blue jelly...... [/Homer Simpson]

[silenus]

Well, Liana_f, you've got them talking about it! :D

Now my wife is going to want one for Christmas! Bah! What's the big deal? It's only 2 inches longer....... :eek:

[ioioio]

The 18"DHIBJD :eek: :eek: should always be referred to with 2 of these: :eek: :eek: , representing both the "double headed" and the "icy blue" aspects. My rule, but I think it's a good one.

[Kallessa]

What does it say about me that when I read this thread the phrase ding dong, the witch is dead, the wicked witch, the witch is dead. . . keeps running through my head?

I don't believe that steel corset stays are period, and I won't even begin to imagine the 14th century equivilant of an ice blue dong. Back in the day, my boyfriend once gave me a short blunt object suitable for thrusting. I think I still have it up in my attic. I would have given it back to him after we broke up, but his new girlfriend said he wouldn't need it. It's probably pretty brittle by now, after not being used all these years.

[Rufus Xavier]

suitable for thrusting

Band name!

More band names from this thread:

Forget the Dong
+2 Dildo of Smiting
Death Dong
Ice Blue Jelly

[buttonjockey308]

Cant. Catch. Breath. Going. To. Pass. Out.

Oh that's some funny stuff, i may get fired, but I don't care.

[Larry Mudd]

I don't believe that steel corset stays are period, and I won't even begin to imagine the 14th century equivilant of an ice blue dong.That would be a half-ell hand-dipped indigo-tallowed bougie.

That's where the expression "burning the candle at both ends" comes from, by the way.

[Giraffe]

After a few slaps on the tummy with a hairbrush, she grabbed the closest thing to hand that approximated a 'real' weapon- a double headed, 18" ice blue jelly dong.So it was sort of a "sword in the stone" situation, then?

[SpectBrain]

Stonebow an armourer of note
Wore his wife's corset over his scrote
She Smacked him quite hard
With a blue dildo, half yard
and

Damn damn damn. Someone help finish this limerick. There's gotta be a good finish for this. Feel free to rearrange or change.

[Larry Mudd]

Since CosPlay scenarios thrill 'bow,
He was smitten with his helpmeet's dildo,
When, clad in her corset,
He allowed her to force it --
And the dong left a mark that may still show.

(Sorry, there aren't any rhymes for "corset" with an unambiguously percussive connotation. That's my story, anyway.) :D

[ftg]

The Great King Kull has given me this mighty weapon to smite my enemies.

Women will tremble before it in fear.
Men shall be ashamed of their manhood.
Children will have no idea what it is.

For I am Conan, the Dildoian.

[ioioio]

I'll give it a try, Spect Brain.

Stonebow, armourer of note,
A corset wore over his scrote.
His wife smacked his belly
With icy blue jelly,
Inspiring the epic he wrote.

[SpectBrain]

Laina, very cool!

[Wile E]

Forget the dong. It is only tangential to the moral of the story.

Sorry, but the Jedi Mind Trick won't work here. I have to agree with the many others that have commented that once you hear the phrase "double headed, 18" ice blue jelly dong" it's hard to forget it. In fact it just keeps echoing through the brain ...

double headed, 18" ice blue jelly dong

double headed, 18" ice blue jelly dong

double headed, 18" ice blue jelly dong

[Dragwyr]

The 18"DHIBJD :eek: :eek: should always be referred to with 2 of these: :eek: :eek: , representing both the "double headed" and the "icy blue" aspects. My rule, but I think it's a good one.Great idea, laina. Perhaps a good abbreviation of the term could be 18" :eek: :eek:

[Dragwyr]

BTW,Stonebow....

I dub thee Sir Stonebow, Forger of Armor, bearer of corsets, and receiver of DHIBD:eek::eek: bruises.

[Evil Captor]

Stonebow an armourer of note
Wore his wife's corset over his scrote
She Smacked him quite hard
With a blue dildo, half yard
and

Damn damn damn. Someone help finish this limerick. There's gotta be a good finish for this. Feel free to rearrange or change.


... and called him a randy old goat.

... and now upon him she doth dote.

... and sank the little man in the boat.

[GrizzRich]

My mind is whirring with wonder of the need of such a mighty tool with TWO heads!

Is there another maid that may figure in the postscript to this tale?

Hmmmm????

and, to reiterate a previous post.........pictures, please!

[Stonebow]

Is there another maid that may figure in the postscript to this tale?


Alas, despite an errant fantasy now and then, there remains room enough the marriage bed of Stonebow and FaerieBeth for only two. Those two being us, in case anyone's feeling clever.
Of course, that does not preclude the use of all manner of 'marital aids' to keep the spice in things. There are all number of yummy orifices that exist just between two consenting adults...

...

....

where was I again?

Damn, where's Anal Scurvy when you need him? He'd be able to explain this to you people. Prudes.

[Zebra]

I wonder if I could take controll of a plane using an 18"DHIBJD?

{me}Mr. Pilot come of the cockpit or I'll use this 18"DHIBJD on your stewadesses!

{Pilot} This I gotta see!

[Flander]

It is only tangential to the moral of the story.

Am I the only one who read this as tangenital?



This sucks, I'm trying to answer phones at work and twice already I've cought myself almost saying, "18in double headed ice blue jelly dong". WTF!

[Mangetout]

This happened to me once too, more or less, except that I hiccupped and said 'dugong', then it was too late. Let me tell you, it's no fun at all being struck in the midriff by a large, double-ended, ice blue jelly plastic manatee.

[SolGrundy]

assuming we could redo it with larger pockets on the inside to hold the plates instead of the boning. It was very firm. I was impressed.
Dear Dragon Magazine...
I've read your letter columns for years but I never thought it could happen to me.

[jellyblue]

*Ahem*

I'm really not very pleased with this thread.
:dubious:

[Gadfly]

*Ahem*

I'm really not very pleased with this thread.
:dubious:

:eek:, meet

:eek: :eek: .

[Ethilrist]

*Ahem*

I'm really not very pleased with this thread.
:dubious:
Hey, can we call you 18"JB?

'course, JBAntares might have something to say about that, too...

[Go You Big Red Fire Engine]

Sorry to you know get all serious for a second... but your wife makes corsets? :eek: That is the coolest thing I've ever heard. I've always loved the look of a corset... does she make them for others also?

[FaerieBeth]

Sorry to you know get all serious for a second... but your wife makes corsets? :eek: That is the coolest thing I've ever heard. I've always loved the look of a corset... does she make them for others also?

I've never made them for anyone other than myself, but I have helped others make theirs. There's a really good pattern generator for Elizabethan corsets (I can give you the url), and several different takes on the whole corset pattern depending on what you want (Tudor, Elizabethan, Victorian, Italian Ren). Feel free to use the yahoo messenger (my id is faeriebeth) and we can talk about it outside this thread...where I feel like everyone is looking at me.....

FB

[Go You Big Red Fire Engine]

A lot of that would be no use to me, since alas, I lack a sewing machine. :(

I know I have Yahoo messenger around here somewhere....

[Draelin]

I feel like everyone is looking at me.....

Now Bayeth honey, whatever would make you think that?

*snigger, snort, giggle*

And I think it's only the husband of a card-carrying DoL charter member who could sustain a jelly-dong-related injury and feel no shame in proclaiming it to the world. Nice job. ;)

[Trunk]

I think dressing someone up in a corset and pulling out an 18 inch double headed jelly dong was what Marcellus Wallace was getting at when he said, "get medeival on his ass."

[jellyblue]

Hey, can we call you 18"JB?

'course, JBAntares might have something to say about that, too...

You most certainly may not name me for a ridiculously oversized...penis effigy!! Hmph!!

::stomps off to corner to wobble bluely::

Honestly, why would reenactors who sew their own corsets and armor own this version of this particular item? Shouldn't it be, I don't know, hewn from limestone or something? Wouldn't varieties of especially large produce be more accurate?

[Ethilrist]

I'm reminded of a filk song I heard Diana Paxson sing once, about a statement taken out of context about a new mace the King of the West had bought. The chorus ended with

"And it's fourteen inches long and with rivets studded 'round...
something something God Save the Queen..."

[Stonebow]

You most certainly may not name me for a ridiculously oversized...penis effigy!! Hmph!!

::stomps off to corner to wobble bluely::

Shouldn't it be, I don't know, hewn from limestone or something? Wouldn't varieties of especially large produce be more accurate?

Limestone chafes. *shudder* and produce has to be continually restocked or else...well, therer's just a limited shelf-life.
We have to rely on modern, nay, ultra-modern means to ensure that our marital aids are always ready, willing, and yummy. If I recall, there was a Daily Show special report on just tihs subject just a few years ago. The experts all agree.


You know, when I began this, I never thought we'd get to 2 pages. Hell, given my track record as threadkiller, I was surprised at more than 2 posts.

But now....we're famous!

and btw- JB- you've never seen anyone 'wobble bluely' until...never mind. :D

[Flutterby]

I've never made them for anyone other than myself, but I have helped others make theirs. There's a really good pattern generator for Elizabethan corsets (I can give you the url), and several different takes on the whole corset pattern depending on what you want (Tudor, Elizabethan, Victorian, Italian Ren). Feel free to use the yahoo messenger (my id is faeriebeth) and we can talk about it outside this thread...where I feel like everyone is looking at me.....

FB

We're not looking at you.

Okay, yes we are.

But we're just imagining you in a corset! Really! Nothing at all to do with an 18"DHIBJD.. :p

I'm adding you to my yahoo cuz I wanna know where I can get a pattern to make a corset! I've wanted one for so long, but never know where to buy one but I figure I'd get better results making it myself..

[GrizzRich]

Pictures!!

<pounds table>

We MUST HAVE PICTURES!!

please?

[Loach]

Ok I'm taking bets:

How long before 18"DHIBJD makes its way into every new thread?

How long before we are sick of it? :D

[Askance]

... the boning. It was very firm. I was impressed.

Worth the price of admission alone.

[FaerieBeth]

Because I am proud of my handiwork on this particular piece, I will humor those who have requested pictures.

Remember, this was a corset I made to wear under Medieval garb, so it's not what one would expect to see in a Frederick's catalog. It's very plain-cotton and canvas. No lace, no see-through parts. It's a utility garment.

Still, though, I think it looks pretty good (http://www.ipa.net/~naoutar/corset.jpg). It laces in the back (http://www.ipa.net/~naoutar/corsetback.jpg), and the lacing eyelets (http://www.ipa.net/~naoutar/corsetdetail.jpg) are hand sewn-no grommets! I am actually quite proud of this effort, and I'm now starting the dress to go over it.

Mods- all these pictures are work safe.

FB

[Larry Mudd]

Kick ass. (And not entirely utilitarian.)

[zoogirl]

I comprehended the lesson but, pray tell, what is the moral of the 18 inch long, double headed, ice blue dong whack-a-corset story?

Sounds kinda immoral to me!

Hey, isn't jelly usually sort of flaccid? Umm?

[jellyblue]

Sounds kinda immoral to me!

Hey, isn't jelly usually sort of flaccid? Umm?

I beg your pardon all over the place!! I happen to be Quite Firm.

some people just go around spreading the most base stereotypes...

[Mycroft H.]

I'm really not very pleased with this thread.

Thank You! I really thought this thread could not get funnier, then I got to your comment.

Wow, thank you one and all. I’m just glad to be reading this at home and not at work!

(And FaerieBeth, great work on the corset!

Regarding your photo, in SCA style, "Yes, the maiden is most comely." - Meant as a compliment, not anything perverse.)


One question related to the OP (sort of) – How long would a DHIBJD :eek: :eek: need to be to make a good trebuchet?

[WILLASS]

Nice corset and way to go with the comliness(sp?) as well!

I used to have a busty girlfriend who made corsets, man, I really miss those days.

[/cover ass]although new girlfriend is perfection itself, obviousley[/ass covered]

[Larry Mudd]

Yes, the maiden is most comely.I'm pretty sure that possession of an 18"DHIBJD automatically upgrades a maiden to wench-class.

[Andros_X]

Can't...stop...laughing....*snerk*

Oh, and, uh, a very nice corset, Beth.

[sagitta]

I think dressing someone up in a corset and pulling out an 18 inch double headed jelly dong was what Marcellus Wallace was getting at when he said, "get medeival on his ass."
Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels explains how to really get Dark Ages on someone's donkey:
"So he grabs the nearest thing at hand, which just happens to be a 15-inch black rubber cock ... and then ... he proceeded to beat poor Smitty to death with it."

[mike1dog]

This may sound mean, but I wish you had broken a rib so I could hear a story about how you explained this to your doctor/insurance company.

[chaoticbear]

Are the links broken now? I can't see them.

Oh, and L@@K!!! A ZOOOOOMMMBIE THREAD!

[Least Original User Name Ever]

Does the zombie feast on the brains of at least one of the heads of the DHIBJD?

[Paul in Qatar]

If you were to go to the emergency room for treatment of dong-damaged ribs, and if you were still wearing your wife's corset. What would you tell the nurse as to how you were injured?

I think I would have to go with the truth. Let them believe what they like.

[Rysdad]

Damn it! You may not resurrect 17-month old threads in which there are non-working links to a woman in a corset!

Grrr grumble growl

[Least Original User Name Ever]

If you were to go to the emergency room for treatment of dong-damaged ribs, and if you were still wearing your wife's corset. What would you tell the nurse as to how you were injured?

I think I would have to go with the truth. Let them believe what they like.

Well, it wouldn't matter at all. They wouldn't believe it and they'd substitute it with whatever story they wanted. All the more reason to make up a really good one on the ride to the hospital so they'll buy it.