He's so stupid that...

[Athena]

What's your favorite way to to illustrate someone's relative intelligence? For a long time, my fav was "He's as dumb as a stump." Used to always get a giggle out of my SO.

Now, though, BratMan007 has blown that one out of the water with his devilishly funny "He's so stupid that he couldn't pour piss out of a boot if the instructions were written on the heel." I always laugh my ass off when I hear that one, BratMan007.

C'mon, all, what's your favorite phrase for expressing stupidity?

[Czarcasm]

One of my faves is "She/he has cobwebs in the windmills of her/his mind."

[oldscratch]

This is my favorite because it works on so many levels.

He is so dumb he can't fart and chew gum at the same time.

What's so great about it? Well, it was first said about an American president, Gerald Ford. It was said by a former president, Lyndon Johnson. How much better than that can it get. Can you imagine someone having the balls to say that about George Bush? Of course not, it would be considered a great breach of tact. Yet this comment was said by a former president. I just love it.

[brachyrhynchos]

He's so stupid it took him 3 hours to watch 60 Minutes.

[brachyrhynchos]

or, and:

He's so stupid he thought Taco Bell was a phone company in Mexico.

[brachyrhynchos]

So stupid he was fired from M&Ms for throwing away the "W"s.

[Athena]

hehehehehee...

brachyrhynchos is so stupid that he thinks he needs to apologize for pushing up the post count on my thread.

**ducks and runs away**

[brachyrhynchos]

Another one:

He's so stupid he cooks with Old Spice.

(BTW, i'm a she :). check the webpage.)

[Athena]

Damn, sorry 'bout that brachyrhynchos. I actually stopped to ponder your gender about halfway through that post, and went "What the hell, chances are it's a guy." since this message board seems to be about 70% male/30% female. Shoulda looked, I guess.

(and, btw, you missed a great opportunity to spout off about how stupid I am...)

[brachyrhynchos]

That's okay Athena - it's sometimes hard to tell on these boards. "brachyrhynchos" isn't exactly a giveaway, either. Hey, I wouldn't bite the hand that started a great thread!

And to keep on the OP:
He's so stupid he tried to strangle himself with a cordless phone.

and...

He's so stupid he took the Pepsi Challenge and chose JIF.

(Ba-da-BOOM! Goodnight, everybody!)

[Crusoe]

He climbed into the gene pool when the lifeguard wasn't looking.

He fell out of the family tree.

[Anti Pro]

Here's a few of my favorites:

She's a can short of a six pack.
It doesn't appear that his elevator stops on all floors.
He's one of the dimmer bulbs in the pack.

[xenophon41]

Here's two from columnist Molly Ivins:

If dumb were dirt, he'd have about 40 acres...
That boy is dumb enough for twins...

[drewbert]

A taco short of a combination plate...

Dumber than a box o' rocks...

[TheNerd]

"(s)he's as sharp as a sack of wet mice."

"(s)he's not the sharpest spoon in the drawer"

"(s)he's a few bits short of a byte."

[timmar68]

How about, "His elevator doesn't go all the way to the top"?

[lswote]

I like BratMan007's saying, but the version I heard was simpler. I can't even remember how man times my father said to me "You're so stupid you couldn't pour piss out of a boot with directions on the heel".

I used to work with him on the weekend installing furnaces and air conditioners and he used to regularly tell me I was so worthless that "You can be replaced with a nail".

[Nacho4Sara]

I always say...

"He came from the short end of the gene pool"

"Not the brightest bulb"

"A dull knife"

"One brick short of a load"

"The cheese slipped off that cracker"

[KJ]

o/~ Not the sharpest tool in the shed. o/~

Not the blankiest blank of the blank

Your intelligence is rivalled only by garden tools.

[Saint Zero]

Defintely a low-watt bulb, there.
Bread not baked all the way to the center.
Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top.
Half a Bubble off Plumb.
Few bricks shy of a full load.
The old "For Rent" sign is up there. (Family in-joke)

[WallyM7]

If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.

If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change.

If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate.

The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.

Stupid? He's reached rock bottom and has started to dig.

He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.

He has serious delusions of adequacy.

He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

He's depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

He's a gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.

The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.

He's so dense, light bends around him.

[vanilla]

who's wally?

[waterj2]

The best line I know of that I came up with along these lines was the phrase "eyeball to prostate viewpoint". Although, strictly speaking, that's not referring to stupidity. Anyways, I offer it to all of you guys, free of charge.

I used this in the Pit a while ago, and trying to find it again I realized "damn, I'm pretty far from a Pit virgin." I used search, and was sitting there trying to think of all the morons I've flamed in the past couple months. I'm a fairly decent flamer IMHO. Take that however you want.

[Gilligan]

Suffers from Clue Deficit Disorder.

During evolution his ancestors were in the control group.

An intellect rivaled only by garden tools.

Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, but he just gargled.

Mind like a steel trap - anything entering gets crushed and mangled.

Doesn't have both oars in the water -- can't even find the damn boat.

People around him are at risk of second hand idiocy.

Mind wandered and never came back.

Couldn't write dialog for a porno flick.

It would be easier to count the bricks left than the bricks missing.

Couldn't find his way through a maze even if the rats helped him.

Doesn't just know nothing; doesn't even suspect much.

Mind readers charge him half price.

Ought to have a warning label on his forehead.

Not only a few brick short, but is missing someone else's bricks as well.

[funneefarmer]

Try reading Over 1000 (http://www.his.com/~tkuster/humor/fulldeck.htm) of these sayings.

[Sealemon88]

He's a fertilized polar body (Little Biology humor there. Very little).

And you wonder why animals eat their young?

He's dumber than a box of hammers.

(From a stand up comic) Gonna have to get a helmet for that one. He's gonna be on the short bus, licking the window.

He's a waste of genetic material, better suited for a head of lettuce.

And the classic: He couldn't find his ass with both hands and a flashlight.

[Initial Entry]

The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead

And who's fault is that Wally?

[purrplebear]

Initial Entry, you stole my line! Great minds think alike...
I love ya, Wally, really I do. :D

He's so stupid, he fell out of the stupid tree, and hit every branch on the way down.

Got up, tripped over the ugly stick, and decided to try the tree again.

[Darkpyre]

In response to someone saying "I didn't know..." say "Lady (or mister) what you don't know could fill a warehouse

[Edwardina]

His I.Q. would not measure above room temperature.

He has the I.Q. of patio furniture.

He's a few sandwiches short of a picnic.

He has to be reminded to breathe.

Suitable for vegetarian consumption.

[Mr. Cynical]

Dumber than a box of rocks. A box of STUPID rocks.

[jayron 32]

My favorite, probably a peculiar New Englandism, was always:

Doesn't know his ass from his elbow.

(which usually elicited a response involving someone else pointing at their posterior and saying "Elbow, right?")

[Phobos]

"he's about as sharp as a bag of wet mice"
(Foghorn Leghorn, IIRC)

[SqrlCub]

Stolen straight from MST3K, "...Rock dumb hillbillies." You can't get any better than that.

HUGS!
Sqrl

[dil]

He's a few fries short of a happy meal

[DAVEW0071]

Thicker than two short planks held together with Stupid Glue.

Not the brightest crayon in the box.

Sharp as a ball peen.

He's so stupid he thinks the Mexican Border pays rent. (That one is Foghorn Leghorn)

[PatrickM]

He's got a lot upstairs. No brains, just an empty lot. - from an old "Quick Draw McGraw" cartoon.

He's so dumb he thinks he lives at the corner of "Walk" and "Don't Walk". - bastardized from a Jimmy Buffett song.

[DAVEW0071]

Not the brightest coin in the fountain.

He's so stupid, he went up to a parking meter, put a coin in and expected bubble gum to come out.

He's so stupid, he got hit by a parked car.

(These were submitted by my daughter.)

You can tell he played contact sports in college.

(This was submitted by my wife.)

[Smeghead]

From a Dave Barry article about how disgusting bait is, a phrase fish use about each other:

"He's so dumb he'd eat bait."

[Argeable]

Beaten with a stupid stick till it broke

[Rosethorn]

Hes about as useful as Michael Jordan in a baseball uniform

[Al Phosgene]

He's two bricks short of an analogy.

[Dante]

My all time favorite is

He's not just stupid. It would take a million years for the light from stupid to reach him!:D

[Tally-Ho]

He was absent the day God handed out brains.

The lights are on but nobody's home.

Several cards short of a full deck.

chrisbar

[zut]

Heh heh heh.

Chris, next time you post a list of synonyms for God-awful stupid, you might consider leaving off your signature from the end. I'm actually sitting here trying to figure out if you did that on purpose, as a kind of self-effacing in-joke.

[my85car]

My favorite is: If brains were gas, he wouldn't have enough to drive a piss-ants motorcycle half way around the inside of a cheerio.

[Unauthorized Cinnamon]

I personally like "Sharp as a marble."

Then there's the classic bit from A Fish Called Wanda: To call you stupid would be an insult to stupid people! I've known sheep who could outwit you. I've worn dresses with higher IQs.

[Satchmo]

Another classic one from Foghorn Leghorn:

"That boy's about as sharp as a mashed potato sandwich!"

[Flypsyde]

A few twinkles short of a glimmer.

[spark]

(S)he's so dumb, (s)he couldn't f*** without instructions.

(S)he's the Village Idiot of the Disenchanted Kingdom.

Double-digit.

Easily confused by shiny objects.

Doesn't use birth control 'cause the pills keep falling out.

(Upon viewing his/her stupidity) Someone needs to put more chlorine in the gene pool...

[Narile]

He's so stupid, he consistantly loses a battle of wits with bricks.

[DAVEW0071]

The purpose of his life is to be an organ donor.

One tit short of an udder.

He has the intellectual capacity of a sandwich.

A fraction for an IQ.

His IQ is so low you have to dig for it.

[Iguana Boy]

He only gets a half-hour for lunch so that his boss doesn't have to retrain him

[capacitor]

So dumb that she goes into a surgical supply store looking for a gutwrench.

[iampunha]

Couple I've heard . . .

Dumber than a box of hair.

Went surfing in Nebraska.

The wheel's running but the hampster's not in there.

Was tutored by Andy Katzenmoyer (you football fans will know).

Sniffing glue made her smarter.

[ricepad]

"He's as dumb as a post. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a letter of apology to write to posts everywhere."

Or, "...and that's a rotten thing to say about posts."

[iampunha]

I once heard a friend of mine referred to as "You're like a shiny penny!"

Said friend: "Thank you!"

Other guy: "That's right. You look nice, but you're not worth much."

Other analogy of being stupid: S/He'd get lost falling down.