It's a thread about nothing. Post your Seinfeldesque thoughts here.

[Spectre of Pithecanthropus]

The purpose of this thread isn't to talk about the show, but to present any thoughts or ideas you have had that would be typical of the Seinfeld characters. Maybe you have your own preference about what the most important button on your shirt is, or perhaps you have come up with a hairbrained scheme that would do justice to Kramer and Newman. They can be something you really believe in and want to pursue, or just a random thought you had. I'll start off with a couple:

Recently I've been expanding my bathrobe range. I now think it's perfectly OK to walk from my apartment to the trash chute in my robe.

Restaurants should offer hot salads. It would be perfect when a chilly evening makes you want soup, but you know a salad would be healthier. It's pure gold!

[mbacko1]

What's with the woman at work who is moderating a national conference call and answers her cell phone, then starts talking about her dog. When she realizes that no one is moderating the call and their is dead silence she giggles like she is a four year old who just got away with toilet papering the whole basement.

[Lobsang]

..

[Spectre of Pithecanthropus]

..

Admirably subtle.

[Scumpup]

What's the deal with "boxer briefs?" They're neither boxers nor briefs. Are they for those days you just can't settle on one type of underwear?

[simply_cats]

How strange. I have to say that I've felt at odds a bit all day because my socks don't seem quite appropriate. I'm wearing slacks, and my dress loafers, and you cannot *see* my white ankle-type sport socks, but I still feel a little weird about having them on.

[ianzin]

It's a weird thing. You go to a restaurant with some friends, you enjoy the meal. Afterwards, if you think back, you never once actually saw anyone put food into his or her mouth.

Once someone has pointed this out to you, the next time you go to a restaurant, you can't help but notice it. You practically stare at the fork as it feeds the morsel of food into the wet, salivating mouth, and you realise what a bizarre process it is. And then you can't stop thinking about it.

[indecisive1]

What's with this pimple satisfaction thing? Ever had a nasty neck pimple that refuses to spew? Seems like if you have to have a zit, you should at least get a puss payoff.

[Ephemera]

Restaurants should offer hot salads. It would be perfect when a chilly evening makes you want soup, but you know a salad would be healthier. It's pure gold!

Like hot macaroni salad or warm lettuce, tomatoes, cucumbers, et al? Neither idea appeals to me but the second one is just nauseating. Room temperature, sure, but hot? Ew.

[Spectre of Pithecanthropus]

Like hot macaroni salad or warm lettuce, tomatoes, cucumbers, et al? Neither idea appeals to me but the second one is just nauseating. Room temperature, sure, but hot? Ew.

Probably not hot lettuce. But other things could work. Cooked spinach or bok choy would be like a hot salad; I'm sure there are other possibilities.

[Annie-Xmas]

Why do hot tea and iced tea taste so different? They both have the same ingrediants, so why does the temperature make such a difference?

[kelly5078]

So what's the deal with urinal partitions, anyway. It's bad enough trying to avoid standing in the yellow puddle, but then there's this partition that's only up to my shoulder, and I'm close enough to kiss the guy next to me. I don't want to see any part of the guy next to me, and what good is a partition that covers only the stuff I'm least likely to look at? Why would anybody want to be a close pisser?

Okay, so I've moved over to the toilet, and there's this guy pissing next to me with the output of a fire hose. I'm going tinkle tinkle, and this guy sounds like he could put out the Chicago fire. I feel really inferior.

Done now, so I'm going to wash my hands. I turn on the water and it sprays all over the place, including down my pants. I can't leave the bathroom now. How am I going to get all this dried off? What I need is to invent a pair of pants with heating elements in them that will evaporate sprayage.

[Chastain86]

You know what I hate?

Toe lint.

[Charlie Tan]

So my ex gf always had a glass of water on her bedside table. Dunno why, but maybe she sometimes woke up at night and was thirsty.
Anyway, it would stand there a couple of days, getting stale and when she'd notice dust collecting, she'd replace it.
And always with water from the tap in the bathroom!!!
:eek:
It's disgusting to drink water from that tap. The proximity to the big white porcelain tuba, the very idea of some kind of backdraft... Why would anyone drink water from the bathroom tap?


n.b. I'm not joking. I find it gross and icky. She always tormented me with that, taking a gulp and... slowly dripping...

[Rufus Xavier]

Why do we always have to say something nice after someone sneezes? Bless you? I wanna say "Ick! If you have to sneeze, go do it somewhere else!" Is that so wrong?

[Moonchild]

I always feel really dumb when I realize I'm still wearing my work ID badge when I'm out during lunch. But there's this guy at work, one of my superiors, who wears his badge right up until he gets home. And puts it on when he leaves the house in the morning. Well, the guy thinks I'm not a team player becaue I take my badge off once I get in the car (when I remember). Why am I not a team player because I don't wear my badge like a tatoo?

[SPOOFE]

Little Caesar's dates its breadsticks. Rather, its Crazy Bread. But it's not terribly crazy, because it's just bread, really. With some crumbly stuff. At least they're half-honest, though... they coulda called it Crazy Titanium. I bet they'd sell more if they got the occasional dumbass that actually thought it'd be titanium, and they wouldn't complain because they wouldn't want to admit to being so stupid, and plus, they'd have titanium. Just having titanium would make me feel macho.

But no, they date their bread... Crazy... bread.... sticks. Not, like, "Sell By" or anything. One of the employees just writes the date on the back. This frightens me. This tells me that the employees are so airheaded that they can't actually keep track of WHEN a particular bag of Crazy Bread was put down. They can't keep track, out of the corner of their eye, "Oh, there's that pack of Crazy Bread that's been sitting there since last week." No, they need to date it.

And it doesn't really inspire customer confidence. I want a "Sell By" date. In fact, I think there should be two dates, one for the "Sell By" thing, and the other for "You Really Really Shouldn't Eat This After" date. Because there's always a gray area. It's like a warranty... they can't always cover your item, but there's a period of time after it expires before it actually goes bad, in most cases. That would inspire customer confidence.

Come to think about it, they don't really inspire customer confidence by calling it Crazy Bread. Once you start to think about it, it starts to sound like it's bread... that makes you crazy. Unless you're a surfer or skateboarder or artist or something, "crazy" is a bad thing. Why on Earth would they want people to think they'll be driven to hysterics upon munching some breadsticks?

They really should revamp their marketing strategy. Let's not mention the fact that they're obviously appealing to - some might say "taking advantage of" - stoners, what with their five dollar large pizza. Now come on. Five dollars for a pizza. That MUST be anti-competitive. Don't we live in a society where companies have to sell their products at approximately equal values? Kinda ruins the whole game for everyone.

Greedy bastards. Fuck you, Little Caesar's.

[The Scrivener]

What's with that little bit of unused current in some electronics, like my boombox radio? If I unplug it and turn it on, it powers up and generates about a quarter of a second's worth of music. This is basically a small amount of electricity that goes on my bill whether or not I ever use it, right?

One more thing about electricity... how much electricity is used by the electricity meter itself? If you were to unplug everything in the house for a month, would there still be a tiny dribbling of electricity you're going to be billed for, that the meter used? I think somebody should think about investigating this.

[feppytweed]

whats the deal with airline peanuts? you can almost never get the bag open, and if you finally do, they go everywhere! whats up with that???

[Sunshine and Smiles]

So I was with this girl and she coughed, and I was trapped. Do I say "God Bless You?" even though she didn't sneeze? I think we really need to invent something to say to people when they cough. How about "Good Lung Power!"?

~S&S

[Chastain86]

Is there any better song lyric than, "I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die"?

Because if there is, I haven't heard it.

[Odinoneeye]

Is there any better song lyric than, "I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die"?

Because if there is, I haven't heard it.

How about "Do what you want to the girl, just don't hurt me" - best Country song ever written.

Why do they always put two crackers in the package that come with soup? Is it impossible that a person would only want one cracker? Sometimes I only want one cracker and I open up the package, eat the cracker with my soup and am left with another cracker. You can't save it because the package is opened so you eat it to not feel wasteful. But you don't enjoy it. It's worse than empty calories, it's calories that bother you.

[Yookeroo]

Why do we always have to say something nice after someone sneezes? Bless you? I wanna say "Ick! If you have to sneeze, go do it somewhere else!" Is that so wrong?

Say: "You're so good looking!"

[Bryan Ekers]

So what's the deal with fireflies? Can the really not hold down a job?

[Silentgoldfish]

Restaurants should offer hot salads. It would be perfect when a chilly evening makes you want soup, but you know a salad would be healthier. It's pure gold!

Warm salads are on most menus here. I've also got a few recipes for them. It's basically a salad with hot meat (lamb, beef, or chicken strips) added. Very nice, very filling, and I can pretend it's good for me!

[Leopard]

Ever notice how large pieces of dandruff look like corn flakes?

[dangergene]

This idea ...I have it, y'see.

Well, people never talk in lifts, even if they know each other. Hell, men at urinals talk more than people in lifts, and talking at the urinal is a BIG no-no. So what we do is fit a hidden message thingy that well... says things.

Things that you have to respond to like, 'Is that your fifty bucks on the floor? No? is it yours? What about yours?'

Ok, so it needs work, but I'm thinking we'll be improving society as a whole AND make a packet off the lift companies.

We just need the venture capital.

Yup, that's the ticket, yup.

[davenportavenger]

Fuck you, Little Caesar's.

And what's the deal with their square pizza? Who are the ad wizards that came up with that one?

[Marley23]

SPOOFE: Personally, "Sell By" dates make me nervous. Why does it matter when it's sold? Has it gone bad? Is it going to go bad soon? They don't tell you when, they just try to reassure you that if you bought it already, it's OK. Well, what if it's not OK? At some point, it's not going to be OK, and I want to know when so I can avoid eating or drinking it and killing myself. How about a "This Will Kill You After" date?

[LuckyMe]

So my ex gf always had a glass of water on her bedside table. Dunno why, but maybe she sometimes woke up at night and was thirsty.
Anyway, it would stand there a couple of days, getting stale and when she'd notice dust collecting, she'd replace it.
And always with water from the tap in the bathroom!!!
:eek:
It's disgusting to drink water from that tap. The proximity to the big white porcelain tuba, the very idea of some kind of backdraft... Why would anyone drink water from the bathroom tap?


n.b. I'm not joking. I find it gross and icky. She always tormented me with that, taking a gulp and... slowly dripping...

So, when you brush your teeth, what do rinse your mouth out with ....Aquafina?!

Actually this sounds familiar but I'm going to spit it out. Whats with white out? It doesn't take white out, it takes black out or puts white in. Actually thats what they should call it, White-in.

What about A-rod? Which you might ask? Good question. There should never be 2 atheletes with the same nick name. And if this happens distinguish the two. There should be the Chicago A-Train and Tampa A-Train. A-rod with a raquet and A-rod with a bat. Don't even get me started with the Karate Chop......

Also I got this guy I see on the job from time to time. Nothing too serious. Simple how are you doing or a Have a good one. Just being polite, right? Well a couple weeks ago he confesses to me that he was abused as a child. Now I feel sorry for the guy and I hope he gets the proper help but how did I suddenly become this guys therapist. I had no how to reply. The guy has a family the petes sake couldn't confess this to them. I just didn't think our relationship was there yet.

[LuckyMe]

Also I got this guy I see on the job from time to time. Nothing too serious. Simple how are you doing or a Have a good one. Just being polite, right? Well a couple weeks ago he confesses to me that he was abused as a child. Now I feel sorry for the guy and I hope he gets the proper help but how did I suddenly become this guys therapist. I had no how to reply. The guy has a family the petes sake couldn't confess this to them. I just didn't think our relationship was there yet.

Let me clarify. I do not think abuse is funny at all, but again I did not think oour relationship was there yet.

[Marley23]

What about A-rod? Which you might ask? Good question. There should never be 2 atheletes with the same nick name. And if this happens distinguish the two. There should be the Chicago A-Train and Tampa A-Train. A-rod with a raquet and A-rod with a bat.
We have to start making up rules for nicknames. There used to be a catcher whose nickname was Pudge. Now there's another catcher and somebody decided to call him Pudge too, just because there was another guy called Pudge! You can't do that! You can't nickname somebody after someone else! There are no nicknamesakes. You get your own nickname by earning it, not by being like some other guy who got the name. That's plagiarism!

[Charlie Tan]

So, when you brush your teeth, what do rinse your mouth out with ....Aquafina?!

Of course not. But I don't swallow that water either - hence the rincing.

[Ethilrist]

How come they sell french bread in italian restaurants? Can't the italians figure out how to make bread?

[Agrippina]

What's the deal with saying anything after sneezing? Why sneezing? Why not after someone has been coughing. One act involves removing stuff from the nose, the other from the throat or lungs. I think I can figure out which is more important. Plus, coughing is worse anyway. Sometimes you end up coughing for quite a while and everybody starts looking at you. Your face turns purple (both from coughing and embarssment), your eyes start to water. You take a cough drop but IT DOESN'T WORK! It's not a pleasant experience at all and can sometimes last for at least a minute or two at it's worst.

Sneezing is no big deal. Coughing is what we should show sympathy for.

[Spectre of Pithecanthropus]

And what's the deal with their square pizza? Who are the ad wizards that came up with that one?

Well, it is easier to gift-wrap.

[TastesLikeBurning]

Of course not. But I don't swallow that water either - hence the rincing.

Ah, so you just leave your mouth with a nice coating of shit-water?

How long should you wait before farting in front a new partner?

If necessity is the mother of all invention, is the father the guy who fucks everything up in the first place?

It’s strange how the older people get, the bigger their sunglasses get. Saw an old guy the other day whose sunnies were so big that he had scaffolding to hold them up. It will get to the stage where you will see some pensioner with a square tinted box on top of his head. Down at the bowling club... “ Hey Harry, love your new box!”

Maybe we should introduce lanes in shopping centres and the city. This may alleviate pedestrian rage due to the people who walk around as if they have overdosed on Valium. This could lead to an employment boom, people manufacturing miniature indicators to strap onto your arse.

People are just numbers these days, I noticed this the other day when I bought some new jocks which had a sticker attached which said “Inspected by 89”.
This raises a few interesting points, one of which was how many people do they really need to inspect a pair of jocks??? 89??
No wonder they cost so much.
Also, why not give people credit for their work, it might get to the stage where you see this guy rock up to work on a Monday, “Hey 37, how was your weekend?”
”Not too bad thanks 89, caught up with 17 and 48 down the pub, then just had a quiet night in with 23 last night.”
If the guys name is Phil, why not just say, “Inspected by Phil”?
You can see a trend starting where Phil becomes renowned for his fine work.
”Look at these jocks, such fine proportions and just the right amount of leg holes, this is definitely some of Phil’s finest work”
What cracks me up about that is maybe there is some guy on the production line looking out for three legged pair of underpants

Wouldn't it be great to be able to shit like a dog?

[furryman]

It's been my experience that you should never eat anything that's more than two days past the "Sell By" date.

For a while many senior citizens were wearing sunglasses that looked like the ones the visitors wore in the series "V". every time I saw one I'd think to myself "There goes a Visitor".

I think we should ban the words arguably and rave. Nobody uses them correctly. If you say arguably it means you want somebody to argue with you. I see movie that boast that critics rave about it. I don't know about you but when I picture somebody raving, I picture someone pulling their hair out and foaming at the mouth. Would you want to see a movie that did that to you? Coming soon to a theater near you "The Yellow King".

What would happen if you ate Smarties™ and Dum-Dums™ at the same time?

[Charlie Tan]

Ah, so you just leave your mouth with a nice coating of shit-water?


Woosh?

Let's try this in easy to follow, step-by-step instructions:
1. Brush teeth.
2. Take gulp of water.
3. Slosh water around in mouth (the actual rincing)
4. Spit.

Are you suggesting I should swallow the water instead of spitting?

[Shoeless]

Anybody hear the story on NPR the other day about someone who came up with a perfume that smells like New York? The first thing I thought of was Kramer's idea for a cologne that smells like the beach + his funkification of Elaine's mattress from swimming in the East River.

And on a similar topic, after the space shuttle Columbia tragedy I heard a story about all the scientific experiments that were lost, including one that involved the manufacture of perfume. And the first thing that popped into my head was a vision of Kramer saying, "You know how you smell when you first get home from outer space?"

[UrbanChic]

What is with people who post a thread for every little thing that happens in their lives? I mean, really, do you have to analyze every. little. thing? It's like, 'Today, my girlfriend said 'Why' instead of 'How come'. What does that mean? Does that mean we're no longer in sync? Does she still love me? Do I still love her?'

You know what it means? It means she's verbally economic. You should hold on to her like grim death.
[/angry seinfeld]

[Hypno-Toad]

In a Costanza-esque move, I'm having my work telephone changed to a 1-900 number so that it charges the caller $2.99 a minute while they waste my time. Want to ask me inane questions? SURE THING, PAL! I'll even act interested and ask you to explain it at great length. AND I won't transfer you to another department to get rid of you! Hell, I'll even go out and try to find the answer on my own. But you have to call me to get it. In other words, I'll do everything I already do, but get some nice extra cash for the effort.

[Agrippina]

What's the deal with the shows set in Las Veags? Aside from "CSI", there are only so many ways you can tell the story of a poor drug dealer, hooker, or gambler because, along with cops, those are the only people inhabiting Vegas (according to television).

[gigi]

The proximity to the big white porcelain tuba.[/SIZE]
Which only plays Handel's "Water Music".

What's the deal with saying anything after sneezing? Why sneezing? Why not after someone has been coughing. One act involves removing stuff from the nose, the other from the throat or lungs. I think I can figure out which is more important.
I'm probably being whooshed, but traditionally it was because the devil could sneak in while you sneeze so others offer a protective blessing.

Do your eyeballs really burst out of your skull if you keep your eyes open during a sneeze?

[5que]

whats the deal with airline peanuts? you can almost never get the bag open, and if you finally do, they go everywhere! whats up with that???
And when everyone on the plane opens them at the same time, it smells like farts!

[TastesLikeBurning]

Woosh?

Let's try this in easy to follow, step-by-step instructions:
1. Brush teeth.
2. Take gulp of water.
3. Slosh water around in mouth (the actual rincing)
4. Spit.

Are you suggesting I should swallow the water instead of spitting?

Neither, because flowing water wouldn't really have too many shit particles in it anyway.

Everyone's entitled to their quirks, but I think using your logic your mouth is coming into contact with shit particles either way.

Now, if you were to be rinsing or spitting from a glass filled with water that had been sitting in the bathroom....

[The Great Zamboni]

Why do farts always want to occur in public places, wedding, funerals, mass, or at work? How often do we actually fart at home, in private? Really, when was the last time you had to break wind at home? Isn't it always when you don't want to? I always have to when I'm around strangers. And it only gets worse because I am forced to hold it in until no more can be held, thus the very act of holding it in causes it to flow out slowly, like a breeze. What I do is smoothly walk away and hope that Those Who Smell It don't suspect anyone far away.

[devilsknew]

I have a great Kramerian subplot...
The Celebrity Pee episode:
Kramer comes up with a great new moneymaking venture, He decides to collect, market, and sell the urine of famous stars and celebrities to collectors in vials worn as necklaces - "Liquid Gold, Jerry! Liquid Gold!" He gets George in on the deal and of course Jerry is both horrified and disgusted by the very idea. The premise is George and Kramer stalk celebrities to public places (a restaurant or something) and somehow infiltrate the bathrooms and wait for the celebrities to do their business. Of course, hilarity ensues as they try to make the celebrity (maybe a guest appearence by George Hamilton or somebody equally absurd.) use the toilet instead of the urinal and then prevent him from flushing so that they can collect the booty...