Your worst foot-in-mouth episode.

[Amazon Floozy Goddess]

Something my husband told me yesterday inspired me to start this thread. He works in a craft store, and was working on a store display while his boss was working the till. A customer came up and dumped a whole bunch of packages of feathers on the counter. His boss was focusing on sorting the product and had not yet looked at the customer. As his boss was ringing them through, he casually remarked, "Buying decorations for your Indian costume?" Customer did not respond.

Boss looked up.

Customer was a big Native guy.

My husband said his boss turned all different shades of red and apologized a million times. I would try to remember one of my stories to relate, but I can't think of one nearly as embarrasing as that one. :eek:

[Kythereia]

Ooo, I got plenty of these, let me see...

Most recent one: I was working the front cash at my job (a local grocery store) and someone with short-cropped hair and a t-shirt with jeans had just nicked something off the counter.

"Sir!" I yelled loudly at the retreating figure, flailing my arms, pointing, wondering why he wasn't turning around. "Sir! Sir!"

One of the grocery guys finally tapped him on the shoulder, and he turned around.

It wasn't a he. :o

Everyone was staring, the other cashiers were convulsing with laughter, and I think I sunk into the floor then and there...

[Standup Karmic]

We had a new receptionist. She was cute. Really cute.

I came out front as she was unpacking the box of supplies that had just come in from Staples. She pulled out a very fancy-looking document stand. My natural reply: "Hey, nice rack."

It wasn't even fully out of my mouth before I realized what I had said. I turned and walked away, composed myself, and went back to apologize. No harm done, thank Og!

[Annie-Xmas]

I was trying to get a friend to sign a petition. She was being hesitant, and I said "Look, it's just a petition for a new school. It's not like we're asking for your first born."

I then remembered that her first born son had been a victim of a murder :eek: suicide by his father in one of those horrendous custody battles that never happen to anyone you know, until it does. I damn near died, and she just left without signing.

[Hampshire]

Walking through a parking lot with a friend I spy a Pontiac Aztek and say loudly to my friend "Who in their right mind would drive an ugly ass car like that?"
As we walk by it I notice the driver sitting in it with their window open.


Walking down a path in a public park (forest) with my two nephews. They decide to run ahead on the trail. As they disappear around the corner I yell after them jokingly "Look out for the elephants!" As I round the blind corner I come face to face with an agry looking very obese couple. My face red all I can mutter as I walk by them is "hi."

[fruitbat]

In college I was walking to the central building on our campus that housed things like mailboxes and a cafe. There were four of us, I was carrying on a conversation with my friend, and they were carrying on an animated conversation in Arabic. Tariq was illustrating some point by making a chopping motion with his right hand at the elbow joint of his left arm and laughing. We all look up to see a guy with serious venom in his eyes, he was, of course, missing his left arm below the elbow.

Apparently this gesture is common among Arabic speakers, and means something far different from, "Hey look at him, he has no arm!". I wish I could remember what it means, because it made perfect sense when he explained it later.

[BrotherCadfael]

When I was a kid, our family had a pet raccoon (you can already see where this is going). One day, she turned up missing, and my father went round to the various neighbors (the nearest was a half mile away) too see if she had wandered that far.

So he goes to the third or fourth house, and asks if they had seen our "little black coon", and only then realizes that the guy he is talking to is black. Fortunately, the guy had a sense of humor, realized exactly what was going on, and took no offense.

[Yamirskoonir]

When I was in my early teens, I was somewhat under-socialized and usually on the fringes of any cliques at best. I had not yet learned the value of thinking through what popped into my head before it came out of my mouth.

So at Christian summer camp, we're hiking along some trail and my camp counselor exclaims: "Look at how big and baggy these jeans are on me! Why did my mom buy me such huge pants?"

I, without a single filtering or screening process in my head, immediately reply: "Maybe because she thought you were fat."

:eek: :eek: :eek: :eek: :smack:

Everyone went dead silent, and the counselor looked very hurt. No one really talked to me for the rest of the day. I later apologized to the girl and told her that I didn't mean it, that I had no idea why I said it and I wasn't trying to be hurtful. She accepted my apology and brushed it off laughingly, saying that she often said stupid stuff too. But to this day I feel horrible about it, and I still don't know why that thought popped in my head, especially considering I was heavier than the camp counselor in question at the time! (Perhaps it was some subliminal self-loathing projecting itself? :confused: )

Even though the girl forgave me, I know how comments like that stick with you for the rest of your life, popping up when you're at your most vulnerable. I don't think I'll ever live that moment down, and truly hope my insincere brain chatter didn't scar her forever! :(

[don't ask]

A woman I work with married a guy at our office. He subsequently got a job somewhere else. His wife was working in my area and we were very friendly.

One day a group of us were chatting and I asked about her husband. "How is C," I asked, "He's a nice guy. I wonder when he will come to his senses and dump you."

"Well he already has," she replied, "He's left me for someone else."

I thought I was going to die on the spot until I heard myself saying, "Gee I always said he's a nice guy but I nevere said he was smart. What an idiot."

I got a hug and kept a friend which was lucky. I'm sure I responded before I had time to think.

The worst one I ever heard was at the pub. A bunch of us were congratulating a friend on her pregnancy and one guy blurted out, "I hope the baby isn't stillborn." It was obvious looking at him that he didn't know what he had said, it was just what he was thinking. I felt uncomfortable for everyone but most people got angry.

[Vevila]

One of my worst was in high school. Before school, a bunch of us would hang around chatting waiting for the first bell, and B. was obviously upset about something. I enquired, and I was informed her cat had died the night before...so my lovely brain, knowing humor *always* cheers people up...

...well, I asked if she flushed the cat down the toilet :eek: . Cue everyone staring at me like I'd suddenly grown a second head, my friend B. bursting into a fresh crying jag, and me suddenly realizing what an awful thing I'd said. I think I spent the rest of the week apologizing for that one. :smack:

[WIGGUM]

Mine still gives me shivers evertime I think about it.

In high school, I was on a field trip to the National Aquarium in Baltimore, and we were given time to hit some of the shops in the Inner Harbor. Me and a couple of friends were in a sporting goods store, and I saw something I wanted to show my friend. His last name was Kuhns, which we had shortened to Kuhn as a nickname. I shouted across the store to him "Hey Kuhn, look at this. Hey.....Kuhn, look at this." It was then that I noticed an African American man between me and my friend glaring at me, and looking like he was about to knock my teeth down my throat. I immediately realized what was going on. He assumed I was talking to him by refering to him with a racial epithet. I quickly said my friends first name and actual last name to hopefully smooth over the situation. I so badly wanted to go up to the man and explain myself, but I don't think I could have even gotten the words out.

[ioioio]

A stupid boyfriend took me to meet his family. At dinner, I was sitting next to a charming, delightful young man who appeared to be around 10. At some point I called him "kid", and he said, "I'm not a kid." "What are you then," I chortled, "a midget?"
A deathly silence fell upon the room.

[TellMeI'mNotCrazy]

A group of us were sitting in a restaurant at a rather small table. One of my friends was playing busboy, stacking dishes, moving things out of the way, etc. He asked if anyone wanted water, so we all held our glasses out, and he began to pour. I said, in my typical "If you didn't know me, you'd swear I was a bitch" voice "I hope you don't think you're getting a tip. I heard a meek "OK" and looked up to see a very embarassed looking waitress, who thought I was talking to her. (I swear she appeared out of nowhere).

Didn't help that the entire group burst into laughter.

[don't ask]

A stupid boyfriend took me to meet his family. At dinner, I was sitting next to a charming, delightful young man who appeared to be around 10. At some point I called him "kid", and he said, "I'm not a kid." "What are you then," I chortled, "a midget?"
A deathly silence fell upon the room.

You win.

[Loach]

You win.

Really? I have "murdered first born" by a nose.

[Greywolf73]

I don't have an example that would top any of these but I do have one that I still feel badly about.

A few years ago, my father-in-law was recovering from a very serious car accident and had just recently returned home from a long stay in the hospital. I went to visit after a really long day. I was tired and felt like I was coming down with a cold. What did I say as soon as I sat down in the living room where my father-in-law was laid up on the couch in his casts and stitches?

"Boy, I feel like I've been run over by a Mack truck!"

:o

My father-in-law actually had been run over by a Mack truck (or T-boned, rather).

[hajario]

My doctor had a new receptionist and we were shooting the breeze before I was called into the office. One thing she mentioned to me was that she volunteered with at risk youth. She had good and bad stories about how some of the kids turned out.

Later we were talking about restaurants and that we both agreed on the best place in town for breakfast. She asked me, "you know the thin gal who wears a long braid on Sunday mornings?"

Thinking it was one of her at risk kids I replied, "you mean the one who acts like a tweaker (speed addict)?"

"Yeah, that's my daughter."

I felt sick to my stomach. Then she told me not to worry. They didn't talk much because the daughter really did have a problem with speed.

Haj

[Ghanima]

Wow, after reading some of these I fell a lot better about mine. It really is a toss-up between the midget and the murdered first-born.

My mother and her good friend were showing me some wedding photos of her friend's oldest son, whom I hadn't seen in years. I looked at it for a second and then blurted out: "Oh my god, is that LOU!?! I can't believe how much wiehgt he's gai..." and looked up to see them both staring at me horrified. I felt like such an ass. Calling my mom's friend's son fat. Very classy. :smack:

[Ghanima]

For some reason I am extremely dyslexic today. That should of course be spelled weight.

[pontia]

Oooh...this is my specialty.

Me: "Are you excited about your party this weekend?"
Her: "Huh?"
Her friends who were throwing the surprise party: :mad: :mad: :mad:

Some time later I was sitting with friends having coffee, talking and trying to keep the conversation light as one of our friends had just had his house burned to the ground. I was genius enough to use the phrase "Fire Engine Red" in one of my "keep the mood light" stories. :(

Everyone at the table just looked at me like I had gone mad.....then we had a good laugh at how I ALWAYS do/say things like that. :D

[fruitbat]

Another one that I think horrified my wife, I am sure, however, that my father took it in stride.

My father had a heart attack last year and was diagnosed with diabetes. Shortly after he got out of the hospital we were all sitting around having Sunday dinner trying to cheer him up. The subject of the SDMB death pool came up and we were discussing my picks for this year. He asked how I decided on Wilford Brimley and BB King. I just blurted out, "They do diabetes commercials, they can't have long left now. That disease is a killer."

This was meant as a flip joke, but I don't think it went very far towards cheering him up.

[Shoeless]

Given my knack for this kind of stuff, I'm sure I should have a bunch of these stories to tell, but for some reason the only one I can think of actually happened to a friend of mine in college. He was an avid bowler from a family of bowlers, and one night while he was out watching his dad's team bowl, he was introduced to the daughter of one of his dad's teammates, who had Down's syndrome. When he was told that she really enjoyed bowling also, his response was "Cool! What's your handicap?"

[Time Like Tears]

Senior Prom, sitting in a French restaurant with seven other people. Conversation was going full steam, except for one boy, who was looking a little dejected. He says "No one's talking to me. I guess I will just go out to the limo and suck some carbon monoxide."

Right out of my mouth pops "Promises, promises. We want results, man!"


Ok, so he was a whiny baby, but I didn't really need to say that, either.

[Chastain86]

Senior Prom, sitting in a French restaurant with seven other people. Conversation was going full steam, except for one boy, who was looking a little dejected. He says "No one's talking to me. I guess I will just go out to the limo and suck some carbon monoxide."

Right out of my mouth pops "Promises, promises. We want results, man!"


Ok, so he was a whiny baby, but I didn't really need to say that, either.

I laughed at that, so save me a seat on the bus to Hell.

[rackman]

My worst was at a party.

I met the sister of my high-school wrestling coach (F). I was telling her how much I had always liked F, and I mentioned I had recently seen F on the public access TV station discussing local election results. I was telling her how interesting F was on the program, but then I made some sort of joke about how I just wished that F would have stopped coughing into the microphone. Her eyes seemed to immediately well up, and she walked away from me.

I didn't make much of it, but of course, I learned a few days later that F had just been diagnosed with terminal lung cancer.

Yeah, I still feel bad, 3 years later.

[emacularius]

I had a friend whose father was diagnosed with cancer a few months earlier. I was under the impression that he had quite some time to go and was treatable at the time of this occurrence..

Anyway, I walk into my place of employment, where he's standing, and he asks me how I'm doing. I was in a pissy mood, but I'm thinking, his dad is sick.. but this doesn't register fast enough for me to curb my tonge ..and out blurts "Probably better than you." Which said in a different tone may have been less awful.. He kind of laughs and says "You're right, my father passed away last night."

:eek: :eek: :eek: :eek:

I was absolutely mortified, but he thought it was hilarious. Well, Woody, if it brightens your day, I'll embarass myself any time.

[Bosda Di'Chi of Tricor]

Mine is going on right now, over in the "Cecil's Columns" forum.
If I never hear a word about low level atomic radiation again, it'll be too soon. :( :( :( :( :(

[lokij]

... So I'm in high school and I go to visit my girlfriend at band camp, and we're talking about a really really cute friend of hers (whom we will call A.) who had just started going out with this kinda dorky guy we both knew. Now, I liked said guy... I also appreciated A.'s good looks so I said and I quote "Really? J. Is going out with her? I hope he get's some of that!" No sooner had the words crossed my lips do I see my girlfriend's horrified expression and I hear an "Ahem" from behind me. My girlfriend then says "Lokij I'd like you to meet A.'s mom.."



No coming back from that one.

[Rock n Roach]

Not quite foot in mouth but close enough...

I was standing outside a grocery store waiting for my friend to get off the payphone. Out of the store walks a woman pulling a cart with a teenage girl (I presume is her daughter) pushing the cart. The daughter has down's syndrone and is continually cocking her head side to side. They make their way to their car. I then cock my head side to side in order to crack my neck. The mother looks at me just at that moment. I felt awful.

Several minutes later my friend is off the phone and comes over to me. Thinking the woman and her daughter had left by now I tell the story to my friend. Just as I show her the side to side head motion I look over and see the woman still in the parking lot once again looking at me.

Oh, how I wanted to tell that woman the story so that she would realize that I wasn't mocking her daughter.

[jlzania]

Not me but my father.
My father was a gruff, abrasive sort who loved giving my boyfriends a hard time.
It's amazing anyone ever went out with me more than once, after meeting daddy dearest.
He had been out of town quite a bit and hadn't been introduced to my current flame who had contracted polio as a child and walked with a pronounced limp.
BF and I come into the living room, dad turns around and says "Hey, you're limping kid. What she do-kick you at the movie?"
BF smiles politely and replies 'No sir, I had polio as a kid and I always walk like this."
Dad turned crimson, muttered something and left the room.

[AsecretK]

When I was married to my ex we lived in a house that he owned before I met him. There were always problems with the house (i.e. bad windows and doors, cracks in the walls, bad plaster jobs etc.) I made a comment while we were visiting at his parents home that I thought that whoever he bought
the house from must have maintained it with cardboard and scotch tape. I learned later that he had purchased the house from his sister :eek: :smack:

[Scumpup]

Back when I taught 7th grade, during the unit on sex ed a student asked me "What's a blowjob?"
Without thinking, I replied "Ask your mother."

[Anaamika]

I can't think of any right now, but I do this a lot. I just wanted to come in here and say: I'm part of the group!

[Hostile Dialect]

My doctor had a new receptionist and we were shooting the breeze before I was called into the office. One thing she mentioned to me was that she volunteered with at risk youth. She had good and bad stories about how some of the kids turned out.

Later we were talking about restaurants and that we both agreed on the best place in town for breakfast. She asked me, "you know the thin gal who wears a long braid on Sunday mornings?"

Thinking it was one of her at risk kids I replied, "you mean the one who acts like a tweaker (speed addict)?"

"Yeah, that's my daughter."

I felt sick to my stomach. Then she told me not to worry. They didn't talk much because the daughter really did have a problem with speed.

Haj


And her solution was to stop talking to her daughter? Gee, what a wonderful mother! It's great that she can just cast off her own daughter as one of "them". After all, there's no reason to talk to tweakers. They're not human like us, right?

[TellMeI'mNotCrazy]

And her solution was to stop talking to her daughter? Gee, what a wonderful mother! It's great that she can just cast off her own daughter as one of "them". After all, there's no reason to talk to tweakers. They're not human like us, right?


Uh, isn't it possible that the reason that "they didn't talk much because she was on speed" is because maybe, just maybe, the daughter became flaky and impossible to get in touch with? Maybe the daughter imposed the communication blocks? I mean, it is entirely possible that you're right, but I'm pretty sure we have absolutely not enough information to start jumping down some unseen women's throat for circumstances about which we know nothing.

[TellMeI'mNotCrazy]

Especially, I meant to add, considering the fact that the woman voluntarily works with at-risk youth.

[Hostile Dialect]

Uh, isn't it possible that the reason that "they didn't talk much because she was on speed" is because maybe, just maybe, the daughter became flaky and impossible to get in touch with? Maybe the daughter imposed the communication blocks? I mean, it is entirely possible that you're right, but I'm pretty sure we have absolutely not enough information to start jumping down some unseen women's throat for circumstances about which we know nothing.

:smack: Well, now everyone knows my foot-in-mouth episode.

And yeah, that's true, I hadn't really thought about that. Whoops...

[Hostile Dialect]

Actually, I have another bad one. (This happened in #straightdope, actually.) Someone said that she was annoyed at her boyfriend for looking at porn, to which I replied, "If you want a relationship with someone who doesn't look at porn, I'm afraid you might be looking at the wrong gender."

Well, she was a rape victim, and pornography was a part of the rape(s?) and thus was permanently associated with traumas in her memory. :eek: I guess that was the first good reason I'd heard for someone to make their bf stop looking at porn... (he had promised to, as well, it turns out; so regardless he shouldn't have broken his promise). I probably haven't lived that one down yet.

[myrnajean]

I was at my very first adult cocktail party, a christmas party given by my older sisters company. I was about 16.

For some reason, nerves I guess, I got into a joke telling mood and went into this really, really bad joke that was going around at the time about a retarded child waiting for the school bus. It involved much slurring and flailing (I know, I know, its not PC, but nobody was politically correct back then) and by the time I was about half way through I had quite the crowd around me.

I get all the way to the end of the joke, pull out the punchline, and the guy I'm telling the joke to, my sister's boss by the way, looks at me completely deadpan, takes a sip of his martini, and says "My daughter is mentally handicapped".

I have never felt comfortable at cocktail parties after that. I'm afraid I'm going to do it again! :smack:

[Doctor Jackson]

Recently, a friend and I paid a visit to a lady who had terminal cancer. She had been through months and months of radiation treatments. Her time was getting short and we wanted to see her and her family together one last time. When it came time for us to leave, my friend said "Well, I guess we should be getting out of your hair now!". The radiation had left her completely bald. I cast a horrified glance at her and her family but they took the comment in stride. My buddy didn't even realize what he'd said. When I later mentioned his choice of words he turned 13 shades of red.

When I was about 19, some close friends of our family were visiting at my parents house. They joyously announced that their only daughter, who is a couple of years younger than me, was getting married. I piped up with "Cool! When's the baby due"? Dead silence. The baby came about 5 months later.

[Incubus]

My friends and I went to Six Flags last summer. We were waiting in line to go on a water-rapids ride (6-8 people on this circular raft thing that splashes its way along a makeshift river). Waiting in the hot sun made the actual ride 500% funner. There was an Indian family in the raft with us, and the dad sounded exactly like Apu from the Simpsons :p While all of us were laughing an shrieking, he was pretty deadpan during the whole ride, but appeared to enjoy it. He was saying "Oh my gosh!" about a thousand times every time water splashed into the raft.

After the ride, we were very hungry so we ate at a nearby eatery next to the ride. I was talking to my friends about the guy, emulated his accented "Oh, my gosh!", and one of my friends gives this pained expression and kind of gestures for me to look in a direction. In the corner of my eye, I can see the entire family that was with us on the ride was standing behind us in the line for the eatery :eek: :smack:

[phall0106]

Eons ago, I worked for an OBGYN/Fertility specialist. One of the fertility treatments we would perform would be artificial insemination with either the husband's sperm, or donor sperm. While not all of our pregnant patients were pregnant as a result of fertility treatments, most everyone who became pregant while undergoing fertility treatments stayed with the practice throughout their pregnancy.

As is common with almost every single woman who has ever had a baby, the patients would bring their babies on their post partum visits, and we'd all oohhh and ahhh over them. New to the job, a patient's husband came in one morning to pick up something for his wife who had just gone through a rough delivery, but they had a healthy baby boy as a result. He was beaming at telling us how healthy and beautiful his son was, but because he was so new, they didn't have any pictures to show as of yet. So, I, thinking of his beautiful wife who had long, thick black hair (and he wasn't all that easy on the eyes), say, "Oh, who does the baby look like?"

Dead silence. I thought I heard crickets in the background. Finally, the husband says, "He looks like his mother."

Later, another employee handed me the chart. The baby was a result of an infertility treatment using donor sperm.

[Bin-Gay]

I've had several memorable foot-in-mouth experiences, but the one that stands out in my mind happened when I was about 16 years old and working my summer job as a nurse's aide at the local hospital in a small midwestern town.

I was assisting this patient who had several medical issues, the most severe being diabetes. She had just had her second leg amputated at the knee and was having complications. Since she had been in the hospital for awhile on this visit as well as previous visits, it was common to have conversations of a little more depth than normal.

This one particular time, she was depressed. Her family members were no longer visiting her as they had at the beginning of her stay. I was doing my best to ease her mind and comfort her. She told me one of the reasons/excuses a family member had given and it didn't make any sense to me. So, I SAID, "Oh I think they were just kidding with you. I'm sure they were just pulling your l...... :eek:

Of course, I realized at the last second what I was saying and never actually said "LEG", but it was the most horribly awkward and insensitive thing I had uttered to another human! I felt terrible about it and almost 30 years later, I STILL am aghast at my verbal blunder. From then on, THINK BEFORE YOU SPEAK!!!
Tough lesson.

[Beadalin]

I get all the way to the end of the joke, pull out the punchline, and the guy I'm telling the joke to, my sister's boss by the way, looks at me completely deadpan, takes a sip of his martini, and says "My daughter is mentally handicapped".
Well, your joke was in poor taste, but sheesh, the guy let a 16-year-old girl get ALL THE WAY THROUGH a bad joke before bringing the hammer down! Not very classy on his part, either. He could have stopped you at any time.

I don't know that mine counts as foot-in-mouth, but it was definitely inappropriate.

When I was in high school, I went on an 8-day mountain-climbing trip with a Christian (very Christian) youth group. Not three hours into the very first day, I was walking along with one girl that I didn't know well, describing a windsurfing lesson I'd taken. I was telling her that the instructor talked just like Arnold Schwarzenegger, and she kept asking what I meant. Finally, in frustration, I burst out, "Jesus Christ, Megan!"

To which she snapped, "Don't take the Lord's name in vain!"

I apologized, but things were chilly between us after that.

[kka]

One of my co-workers was showing me pictures of her grandaughter, who was about a year old. For whatever reason, I had never seem her picture. The little girl had obviously taken a tumble and had a big cut.scab on her face. I ask how she fell and a silence hits the room. I, of course, continue. How did she get the big red mark on her face?

It was a port wine stain birthmark.

Then I try to recover by saying it is barely noticeable and so on and so forth.

I wanted to die.

[Claude Remains]

I was woking in the machine shop with my buddie,our boss and a new girl.
Bossman taks off his big, heavy duty rubber gloves and is holding them.
As we stand there and scuttlebutt for a few,boss happens to hold up gloves and taje a whiff proclaiming "man, this glove smells like a rotten cunt".
I say "you expect it to smell like roses?"
The new girl's name was ROSE! :eek: :smack:

[MaxTheVool]

(I love telling this story, now that I've gotten permission from the agrieved party to repeat it, and now that it's a few years in the past)

So I was dating a woman who'd suffered from abuse in her childhood. One evening, she was having really bad flashbacks to the sexual abuse she'd suffered at the hands of an uncle. I was trying my best to be be Good Sensitive Boyfriend, and cheer her up, and so forth.

One of the things I did was quote the line "We were led to believe that there would be punch and pie", from South Park: Bigger, Longer and Uncut, which actually caused her to start laughing. Figuring that I was on a winning tack, I cast my mind around quickly for another line from that movie, and the next thing that popped out of my mouth was:


"No one fucks uncles quite like you"

[TellMeI'mNotCrazy]

OK, I think Max wins at least a very (dis)honorable mention.

[Hampshire]

Okay, not one for me per se but for my friend Jim.
Not foot-in-mouth but more foot-in-butt?

Jim: During lunch hour myself and buddy Jim liked to go into Barnes and Noble while it was dead and read magazines. Jim had his face in a cycle magazine and I snuck down to the other end of the rack. I was startled by some commotion and when I looked up Jim was apologizing to and older woman who was walking away with a disgusted look on her face. He then approached me quickly with a beet red face, grabbed my arm, and said "we have to leave now". Upon getting outside Jim said he thought I was still next to him and decided to do the "guy joke" thing and walk backwards into me, backing me into a corner, and then farting on me. He said he was terrified when in mid chuckle he looked up and saw me at the other end of the rack.

[Elza B]

Went to see a friend in the Rocky Horror Picture Show on Broadway one night. After the show, we met him and a couple of his friends for drinks across the street.

I ended up talking to this one guy and we hit it off - in the middle of our discussion, he says "Hey, you know that song from A Wedding Story on TLC? That 'Love Is All There Is' song?".

Not thinking, the first words out of my mouth are "Oh, yeah! I know that song! I hate it!"

Without missing a beat, he looks me dead in the eye and says "I wrote it."

I turned eighty shades of red, green, and purple and apologized. Luckily, he laughed it off and said he wasn't fond of it either, but they wanteda 'touching' song for the show.

I try to think before I speak now. It doesn't always happen.

Ava

[Arien]

In your defense, avabeth, that really is a terrible song.

[Lobelia Overhill]

I once suggested to the 'gang' that we phone ahead and order our food from the local takeaway to save us having to hang around the shop for 15 minutes ... at least one person in the group had a friend or close relation who'd committed suicide by hanging in the previous 2 months... :o

Another time I was reciting what was considered to be the World's Most Offencive Joke (which was about abortion) and wouldn't ye know it, someone had a sister/niece/some other female relation who'd had an abortion recently :o

I once lamented [loudly] to my friend about having to walk up that ruddy great fat hill (to her house) just as an extremely obese woman walked by :o

On the other hand there was the time a jackass I know (who thinks he's a comedian) was telling 'jokes', one of which was about epilepsy. I told him deadpan that my sister is epileptic. His response was "so are the rest of us supposed to lay down and die?"

[Shoeless]

This thread (http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=283484) reminded me of a situation which, luckily, didn't happen to me, but which I was unfortunate enough to witness. I worked at a pizza place in college back in the '80s, and one night one of the assistant managers (who was kind of a jerk anyway) started rattling off a bunch of "Hyatt tragedy" jokes. After about five or six of these jokes, one of the guys in the kitchen turned to him and said "My parents died in that."

[NoPretentiousCodename]

A guy I worked with, whom we shall call "Mike", had this tendency to "eat foot" over death related things. One time he mentioned something to the effect of "Yeah? Yo momma liked it!" or some-such to a coworker. My eyes went wide and coworker just muttered "my mom?" sheepishly and walked away. His mom had died when he was younger.

Another time, one of the writers we contracted work out to passed away. He was a really good friend of the owner of the company. Mike, "Eater of Feet", knowing full well that they were friends and that the friend in question had passed, was heard to say "Well, that's what happens when all your friends are on drugs!" Baffling. Did he think it was funny?

He was let go not long after.

As for myself, once on the middle school soccer team we were watching the girls as they played our cross-town rivals at Jones Middle School. As we were walking to the field I, trying to be cool or witty or something equally stupid, said "Those Jones girls are SUCH bitches." Turns out that we were walking by a bleacher full of Jones soccer moms. :smack:

And recently, I have been playing a fun game called "Unintentionally Be Rude To Dr. Price." Price is a former biology teacher of mine, who I really enjoyed. Lately though, I keep being unintentionally rude toward him. Like I will be sitting somewhere, staring off into space, sticking my tongue out (so I can think better :)) and who will be sitting directly in my line of sight, giving me a dirty look? Or the other day, I had a record 2 foot eating incidents in 3 seconds. I was looking in our college cafeteria for a bottle of Heinz 57 for my fries. The first full bottle I came to I picked up of the table and said "May I?". I looked down and saw a girl, with art supplies, painting a nice arrangement of bottles she had set up at the table. After a lame apology, I went for another bottle–the one in front of Dr. Price. Flustered at the previous experience, I walked up intending to say "A thousand pardons, but would you mind terribly if I borrowed this?" Instead, what I croaked out a rather impertinent "Do you MIND?" as I grabbed the bottle.

I am seriously considering taking another class from Price, just to prove I don't actually hate him.

[Flander]

Hampshire, how am I supposed to answer phones at work when I can't stop laughing?!?

My story isn't as bad as some others, but it's funny.

OhFace and I were in the hotel in GA the weekend of the great Dopefest thing. She was trying on different pairs of pants and found that all of them seemed to be fitting rather loosely. So she say's, "Man, all of my clothes are big, I must have been fat before," in a kind of joking manor.

The following is what I meant to say:

me - "What do you mean you used to be fat?!!?" (She's a tiny girl)

This is what actually came out of my mouth:

me - "What do you mean you used to be fat?!?"

Fucking classic

Oh, and my vote is for "murdered first born" and "uncle fucker".

[Faruiza]

I have done these kinds of things a million times, and since I can't think of anything specific right now, I just had to come in and tell y'all that I LOVE threads of this nature. Keep 'em coming.

I'm in the office by myself, and the sound of my own uncontrolled laughter in this empty building sounds so stuuuupid! I can't stop...

[delphica]

My most recent -- there was a new person working in another office on my floor, so I decided to swing by to introduce myself. From a distance, as I was walking up to her office, I saw her drop something, then dive down under the desk to pick it up. Then I heard 'Oh, damn!"

I reached her office just as she was sitting back up, and she had a huge black eye! OH MY GOD! I yelled, ARE YOU OKAY? because she had obviously smacked her head on something and given herself a black eye.

Except of course, she hadn't. It was a birthmark. The "oh, damn!" was because her earring had rolled back behind the desk where she couldn't reach it.

[Batsinma Belfry]

When I was in Girl's Scouts, my troop went to help fix up a center for handicapped kids. I was helping to paint a big mural on one of the walls. This involved standing on a ladder while reaching up for a long time. When I got down, I plopped down on a couch next to one of the kids and said, "Whew! I feel like my arms are gonna fall off." Yep, the kid only had one arm. :smack:

[Larry Mudd]

So he goes to the third or fourth house, and asks if they had seen our "little black coon", and only then realizes that the guy he is talking to is black.That reminds me of an old family story. My folks ran a magazine store. A regular customer returned after a few weeks' absence. Quoth me mum: "Where ya been, spook?" For her, this was just an affectionate term. (She called me 'spook' a lot, as it happens.) She thought the shocked and angry response she got from the guy (who was black) was an over-reaction to perceived over-familiarity. I think she was probably mortified when she found out what was up.

[smartini]

That reminds me of an old family story. My folks ran a magazine store. A regular customer returned after a few weeks' absence. Quoth me mum: "Where ya been, spook?" For her, this was just an affectionate term. (She called me 'spook' a lot, as it happens.) She thought the shocked and angry response she got from the guy (who was black) was an over-reaction to perceived over-familiarity. I think she was probably mortified when she found out what was up.

And that reminds me of a story my friend loves to tell about getting to know me. She is now the office manager of my program but when we first met she was a new secretary in the department my fledgling program was under and not knowing any of us very well. I invited her to lunch one day and after she got her food she came over to wait with me while I had a sandwich made. She was unaware that the counter lady had just announced that she had gotten our orders confused and asked who had requested what bread. My new friend walked up just as I raised my hand and announced, "I'm white!" She told me later she thought, "My god, this one is nuts."

Partly, I am sure, becasue of this other story she really gets a lot of mileage out of. When I started our program I came from a clinical marketing position and although I loved working with the newly injured patients and their families I was burned out on the 24/7 nature of the job and wanted my life back. My one priviso of the new job was NO on call, not even a pager requirement, which a lot of people fought wanting to shift the burden of their resposiblity to this new area. But I was determined this new program be proactive and not knee-jerk "just call smartini." About a week after my friend came to work with us the following happened:

I came into the office after some really crappy meetings, not in the best of moods, and saw laying on my desk what I thought was a HUGE pager.
Me: slamming it down on the table: "I do not care WHO wants me to, I am NOT wearing THIS damn thing on MY belt!"
total silence
My friend: "It's the calculator you asked me to order for you."
Me: "Oh."

:D yeah, after 7 years she still loves that one.

on preview: who the hell is BecaSue and why can't I ever type because correctly the first time?

[Tazmanian Devil]

I realize this topic is a couple of months old, but I just saw it today, and had to share my story. I had just gotten back to my then girlfriend's apartment (gf and her oldest daughter were with me), and had just stepped outside of my car, when a strong odor in the air hit me. With my head down, I mentioned it smelled like pigs. I then looked up, and saw the cop car, with two cops standing next to it, that I had completely failed to notice before. The cops looked over, and I thought for sure I was going to jail. I was mortified. Fortunately, they chose not to make a big deal out of it.

[Helen's Eidolon]

I didn't see this thread teh first time around, bit this is one of my favourite stories. I'm not sure how well it'll translate to text, but... we'll see.

So it's my 17th birthday party. My friend hosted it at her place when her parents were away, and it was a total blast. Everyone drank too much (not me) and we all stayed up late, those uf us who didn't stay up until 7am fell asleep where they lay.

A girl I knew ended up making out with this guy from a different group of friends. In the middle of the floor. They fell asleep with her hand through his fly, up onto his chest.

Later in the morning. I was sitting atop a staircase with two friends of mine who were being quiet, while two other friends stood on the stairs joking around. They mention the couple who made out on the floor and start joking around. I start gesturing to my side, but they take no notice, and keep talking. One of the guys says "I can't believe they made out right there on the floor!" The other replies: "Made out? He fell ASLEEP on her FACE!" My gesturing is getting more frantic, and guy #1 finally notices who's sitting next to me - obviously, the girl in question. I see realization dawn on guy #1's face, and he just turns and runs down the stairs, leaving guy #2 still talking and joking. At this point I'm about to dislocate my neck with my gesturing. Guy #2 looks at me, looks at her, opens his mouth and closes it, and then in mid sentence turns and runs down the stairs.

I almost died laughing. The postscript to this story is that the two guys ran outside and told everyone the story, laughing like mad, while the guy (who fell asleep on her face) came up to the group and asked what was so funny.

I've been dating Guy #2 for almost 5 years now, and I've still never seen him speechless other than that occasion.

[Chanteuse]

As for me, I've found it wise to heed Dave Barry's advice about NEVER asking a woman if she's pregnant unless you actually SEE a baby emerging from between her legs.

Because I've made that mistake TWICE. :o

[Typically Sunday]

I've had too many foot in mouth episodes to count, but here's one I haven't repressed yet...

My school has elevators, although students aren't supposed to use them unless they have a broken leg or something. However, most of the people who work at the school won't make a big deal out of it if they catch you in them.

One day, I decided I'd rather take the elevator up to class because I felt too lazy to use the stairs. But before the doors closed, one of the french teachers walked up and stood in the doorway, demanding to see a note from the nurse that said i needed to use the elevator. I got really angry, since she was going to take the elevator when she clearly didn't need to either. When I realized she wasn't going to let the doors close, I called her a bitch and stormed off. It took me about 10 seconds to realize that calling a teacher a bitch? not such a good idea. :smack:

Especially since I was headed up to the floor where the all of the language classrooms/offices were. :smack: :smack:

[Snarky_Kong]

As for me, I've found it wise to heed Dave Barry's advice about NEVER asking a woman if she's pregnant unless you actually SEE a baby emerging from between her legs.

Because I've made that mistake TWICE. :o

I find it curious that you were alive to make the mistake a second time.

[Alice The Goon]

A few years ago I was riding the city bus. After I got on and sat down, I smelled the most horrific smell ever. My eyes started watering and I almost started gagging. I turn to the woman behind me and say "Oh my god! Do you smell that? What is that SMELL??"
She meekly says "That's me. I have a skin condition." Then she begins to apologize profusely.
:smack:

[Chanteuse]

I find it curious that you were alive to make the mistake a second time.

Ain't it the truth? Actually, though, the first time I did it was not because she had any belly. She was wearing a shirt that looked like maternity wear and I asked her where she got maternity clothes, as I had had so much trouble finding any myself in that town when I'd been pregnant. I mean the shirt was full and had that little gather under the breastbone area. She was actually quite slim, but the shirt fooled me!

The second time, the woman just had that "look." Turned out that she'd been trying and thought she might be, and was just excited--guess it showed. It was just unfortunate that she wasn't at THAT time! (She did get pregnant some months later though!)

[Caricci]

Went to see a friend in the Rocky Horror Picture Show on Broadway one night. After the show, we met him and a couple of his friends for drinks across the street.

I ended up talking to this one guy and we hit it off - in the middle of our discussion, he says "Hey, you know that song from A Wedding Story on TLC? That 'Love Is All There Is' song?".

Not thinking, the first words out of my mouth are "Oh, yeah! I know that song! I hate it!"

Without missing a beat, he looks me dead in the eye and says "I wrote it."

I turned eighty shades of red, green, and purple and apologized. Luckily, he laughed it off and said he wasn't fond of it either, but they wanteda 'touching' song for the show.

I try to think before I speak now. It doesn't always happen.

Ava

Are you talking about "When someday the spark of youth surrenders"? Because if you are, saying "I hate it" is like the best thing you can say about it.

[Absolute]

A few days into my 12th grade calculus class, the teacher (who most of the class had already had in 11th grade) was doing some reviewing. She got up in front of the room, and intended to say "We're going to start functions today." What actually came out was "We're going to start fucking today!"

The entire class erupted in laughter, and I, trying to be a wiseass, piped up with a comment of my own.

What I intended to say was "Now we know how you talk about us when we're not around!" What came out was "Now we know what you do when we're not around!"

All the other laughter in the classroom stopped, and heads rapidly swiveled to look at me. It took a second for what I just said to register, but when it did, all I could let out was a low, pained groan: "That's not what I meant to say..."

The worst (or perhaps best) part, though, was that the teacher (who was rather young), instead of reprimanding me, immediately turned bright red and turned away from the class.

[Daithi Lacha]

My wife and myself volunteered at a local animal shelter. On Saturdays, we'd go in and do cat adoptions, administer medications, etc. There were a couple of teenage girls who did the same thing, including a 16-year old named Erica, who was smart, witty, and had a tongue as sharp as a razor.
I had dropped my wife off and found parking, and when I went in went to the office; there I saw all the gals standing around Erica, who had an odd look on her face - - something was wrong. "Oh, what's the matter, Erica?" I said. "Boyfriend break up with you?"
She burst into tears, and the eye-mounted laser beams of all the other women in the room burned through my skull.

Later, I apologized. "You must think I'm a real asshole."
"No," she replied, tartly. "I've been thinking that for months; today, I know it!"

Ouch! :wally

[MercyStreet]

For a news story I was interviewing a bunch of young girls and their parents. One very tiny child appeared to be about 3 years old. When I was done interviewing I said goodbye to everyone, looked at her, and said: "You're so CUTE! You're just a LITTLE thing!" She looked up and said, "I'm 10."

Yikes. She must have had some kind of growth disorder.

[Archergal]

Years ago when I was doing a lot of bike riding, I went with a chum to a "Bike to Work Day" organizational meeting. The idea was for a number of folks to meet at one point and then ride to work down one of the big Atlanta streets together. You know, fewer cars on the road, raise awareness, blahblahblah.

Part of what came up was the issue of visibility in traffic. Some folks were talking about using those frame-mounted orange flags or something like that. I brightly piped up to suggest that we could have an escort car!

Escort. Car. At a Bike-to-Work-to-encourage-people-to-drive-less Rally.

There was a moment of pained silence during which I realized what I'd just said.
Then the discussion moved on, and I didn't open my mouth for the rest of the meeting.

I still cringe when I think about it. But it doesn't compare to the midget or uncle-fucking stories.

[ivylass]

I used to work as a waitress.

One Saturday night, attempting to flirt for bigger tips, I sauntered up to a table of four men, poured their water, and simpered, "What are four handsome men like you doing out on a Saturday night without dates?"

Their answer?

"What makes you think we're here without dates?"


:o

I turned six shades of red, and I never tried to flirt with a table again.

IIRC, they did leave me a good tip though.

[Q.N. Jones]

When my friend Cindy was getting married, she wanted to have the big wedding her family expected, but couldn't afford it. She therefore became quite ingenious at finding bargains.

Her ex-boss, Lisa, had a husband (we'll call him Ken) who likes to bake as a hobby. Ken offered to do their wedding cake as their gift to the couple. He then promptly proceeded to avoid Cindy thereafter. He wouldn't return her phone calls. He ignored her emails. Then, one day when she went over to his house to drop off the cake pans, she saw him through a window, but he refused to answer the door!

She was sweating bullets right up until the day of the wedding, when the wedding cake was delivered to the reception hall by Lisa shortly before the reception began. Ken never showed up to the wedding, though he'd said he would be there.

I, however, had never seen Ken or Lisa before in my life. At the reception dinner, I entertained my friends Sonia and Jeff with the story of Ken, and how he was a total jerk about Cindy's cake. I even threw in the silly speculation that, though he was married, Cindy was convinced Ken was really gay.

At which point, the woman next to me (whom I'd just assumed was some random stranger), turned to me and snapped, "I'm Lisa and Ken is my husband!" She was furious. I felt terrible (and still do when I think about it)!

[Hostile Dialect]

Pretty much all of my foot-in-mouth moments come in already awkward situations as I try to find something to say that will make things better.

For my birthday, I got an *awesome* digital camera from my parents, the one in that Sony commercial with whatshisface the ex-rocker.

My girlfriend-at-the-time was there when I got it, and she said, "I wish my parents would buy me a camera." It was an awkward moment, and I said, "Didn't your parents buy you Havana Nights?", to which she replied "Nope, that was my aunt." I kept listing the presents she had gotten, all of which I had thought were from her parents, only to stand corrected. "My parents just bought me a backpack," she said. So what did I say to make everything better?

"Well, maybe you can hold your backpack like this [demonstrating] and pretend it's a camera."

Silence all around.

Needless to say, I didn't get much play that night.

Oh, just remembered another one--

Same GF, pretty soon after we started going out. I was in her room and picked up a stack of senior pictures off her desk and thumbed through them, picked out one and said "Wow, I really like this one."

Only to hear in reply, "That's my older sister." :O

I was in the doghouse for a little while for that one, until I explained that I really, really, no, seriously, really liked the other ones, too, and that her sister looked just exactly like her (she did, except a little tiny bit slimmer--I left out that part) and I honest-to-god couldn't tell the difference (I couldn't). She understood and eventually we got over it.

I can think of a couple others with her that are a little too mundane to post her. Man, looking back on it, that wasn't much of a relationship.

[Boggette]

I was working writing proposals for a company. A Mean guy called and was ordering me around. I got off the phone, and said to my co-worker, "What a DICK!"

Yep. That was *his* name.

[Mirror Image egamI rorriM]

Last Halloween, I was a flapper. I had a red minidress with fringe, a red cloche, long beaded necklaces, the whole deal. I even had my hair in a flapper style bob.

I was so excited about my costume, because it was awesome. I was telling everyone about all about it. Except, instead of "flapper," I kept saying "stripper."

Oops.

[KP]

I have too many foot-in-mouth tales from my youth to ever recount, but one of the earlier posts reminded me of this one.

When I was in college, some friends and I went to a public lecture on "Evacuation Day" (a Boston holiday that ostensibly celebrates an event from the Revolutionary War, but was really just an excuse to give Boston city workers St. Patrick's Day off -- a holdover from an era when Boston and its City Hall were far more heavily Irish). When we arrived, we noticed that PBS was hosting a public reception with some interesting guest speakers, in the same room, about half en hour after our lecture ended.

We stuck around in the empty room, After about ten minutes, a group of middle-aged people arrived, talking loudly (as if we, being maybe 19, didn't even exist) and animatedly about, of all things, "The New Zoo Review" [a children's Tv show from the 70s]. After a few minutes, they retreated to the back of the room, giggling and cackling, My friends rolled their eyes. "What was that all about?" (They had never seen the show) I very tempted to do launch into a comedy schtick -- my little sister had watched it regularly in Atlanta, and as a dutiful big brother, I'd learned to mimic the voices and gestures of all the upholstered characters. My Henrietta Hippo, in particular, is not to be missed.

But miraculously I stopped myself. For all I knew those people had been involved in making the show, and were seeing each other again for the first time.

That sounds uncharacteristically level headed, doesn't it? O how little you know me!

The urge to parody, once activated, can only build steam. I recalled that I was actually responsible for my sister getting hooked on the show. I'd been watching some somber technical documentary on the past and future of the space program when a guy in a jester's suit, who I'd never seen before or since, literally leaped on the screen, jangling his bells and finger symbols, "This is Brother Blue booobidy-doo booobidy-doo Comin' right at you..."

I guess I must have gone to the bathroom, and mist the last few minutes of my special, but this took me completely by surprise. It was the most ridiculous thing I'd ever seen, especially by contrast to the tone of the show I'd been watching. I yelled for my my sister to come see, and we were both rolling on the floor. This grown-up was coming completely unglued for no comprehensible reason on broadcast TV! And he just kept going and going... it must have been 15 minutes. Only when he was gone were we able to figure out that he'd been trying to introduce a new 'experiment' in Children's TV - the aforementioned "New Zoo Revue" probably seemed avant-garde to PBS, but to our jaded kiddie eyes, it was just a low-rent HR Pufinstuf preaching lessons in how to get along with others.

Needless to say, I found myself capering and launching into extempraneous verse in a desperate attempt to convey the full "Brother Blue" experience to my friends, exaggerating wildly to make them understand exactly how badly our kiddie minds had been blown by this Prancing rhyming black man, who appeared in our lives and was never seen again. I sometimes suspect my sister only watched TNZR in the hopes that something equallly outrageous would happen again.

You've guessed the rest, haven't you?

Brother Blue turned out to be a highly regarded artist and children's advocate. The host took the stage and proceeded to rattle off his rather impressive biography. You see, he [listed under his real name, not "Brother Blue"] was the first speaker -- a tall elegant black man in a three piece suit who had, along with the other speakers, quietly taken the second row seats immediately behind us. We'd unwittingly co-opted the choice front row center seats usually saved for speakers.

He'd watched the entire travesty. I'd mocked the man's life's work in front of a crowd assembled, in part, to see him get an award.

I did try to approach him at the end of the event, to apologize, but for whatever reason, he didn't seem very interested in talking to me. I'm 90% certain that he looked me dead in the eye, with an indecipherable expressionlessness, as I fought through the crowd toward him. Then he turned and disappeared out the door drawing his fellow speakers and their entourage behind him.

[Freejooky]

Me, while trying on the remains of my weeks-dead-of-AIDS cousin - "I look like such a fag!"

In front of my aunt, his mother.

[Freejooky]

Oh GOD! That SHOULD have read "while trying on the remains of my weeks-dead-of-AIDS cousin's Wardrobe.

[Richard Pearse]

Wow, real live foot-in-mouth!

I have a couple that I remember.

When I was about 12 I was with my mum and one of her friends (lets call her "Hope") and the conversation turned to the topic of models.

Me: I think models are just bimbos anyway.
Mum: Hope is a model.
Me (trying to dig myself out of this hole): er, I meant the good ones, er...
Mum and Hope: :silence:
Me: :o :smack:

In another I was driving in a car with my girlfriend and relating a story about my ex-girlfriend's grandmother who would drive around round-abouts the wrong way because she was old and stupid. Unfortunately I referred to my ex-girlfriend's grandmother as my "girlfriend's grandmother". The rest of the drive was conducted in utter silence.

In another I was in a mixed age class at school that everyone would attend once a day. It was a 20min session where people just talked, caught up on homework or sometimes had class discussions. This day an older girl was saying something very nice and mature about nerdy kids being given a break and stuff. For some bizarre reason I felt the need to point out the type of person she was talking about. I stood up, pointing and shouting at the class nerd, "Him! Him! He's one!" Everyone just sat there looking at me. Behind the silence I could sense one of my friends trying desperately to supress giggles of disbelief. Sigh.

The "nerd" in question ended up working at a university with my mother.

[Sublight]

I think Freejooky wins for best foot-in-mouth within the thread. ;)

[Bosda Di'Chi of Tricor]

Oh GOD! That SHOULD have read "while trying on the remains of my weeks-dead-of-AIDS cousin's Wardrobe.

we know what you meant.

And you're scaring us. ;) :D

[TellMeI'mNotCrazy]

Oh GOD! That SHOULD have read "while trying on the remains of my weeks-dead-of-AIDS cousin's Wardrobe.


I'm sorry, but that was way too funny. (Referring to the new slip-up, of course).

[Caricci]

I had a close call earlier this month. Here's a little background:

I have this desk calendar that lists not only American holidays but other days that are to be recognized for whatever reason. So I am fond of wishing people Happy Canadian Thanksgiving or Arbor Day or Belgian Bank Holiday or whatever. I came this close to wishing my Japanese (as in, when she goes home for the summer, it's to Japan) workstudy student a Happy Pearl Harbor Rememberance Day.

[Anaamika]

I used to work as a waitress.

One Saturday night, attempting to flirt for bigger tips, I sauntered up to a table of four men, poured their water, and simpered, "What are four handsome men like you doing out on a Saturday night without dates?"

Their answer?

"What makes you think we're here without dates?"


:o

I turned six shades of red, and I never tried to flirt with a table again.

IIRC, they did leave me a good tip though.

I realize the midget & dead baby are worse, but this one would have just killed me, that I could be so insensitive as to not realize they were together.

I've thought of one.

Talking to a coworker, I was telling her about some woman who called up and was whining about our telemarketers bothering her (justified, I'm sure). My coworker said "How old did she sound?" And I said "Old, you know - 40ish". You guessed it - my coworker was 39 (I was 28). :o She's never let me live that one down.

[Shade]

I realize the midget & dead baby are worse, but this one would have just killed me, that I could be so insensitive as to not realize they were together.I have to say it's such a good line I'd've been tempted to use it if we were dating or not.

[Little Bird]

Ok, to preface: I was dating this guy who used the word “gay” in a derogatory manor—like “That movie was so gay” and whatnot. I hadn’t used “gay” in that fashion since I was in about 6th grade and found out what a gay person is and was not happy with his use of the term.

…So I was working at a little café type restaurant when one evening two very obviously homosexual women came into the store. I was explaining the merits of the different sandwiches and mentioned that one had a “secret sauce” on it. They asked if it was just like McDonalds’ sauce. I asked them what McDonalds’ secret sauce was. They replied it was just 1000 Island and ketchup or some such combination. So of course I replied “Well that’s gay!”

Them: :mad: :mad: :mad: :mad:
Me: :o :eek: :smack: :eek: :smack:

I just went into the back room until they left and tried very hard to slit my wrists on some stale bread. I know I should have apologized, but what do you say? “Oh sorry, m’am, obviously you are very gay yourself and offended by what I said…” Luckily, everyone who ate at that restaurant at that hour (and most who worked there) were very drunk, so there was no scene.

[ivylass]

I have to say it's such a good line I'd've been tempted to use it if we were dating or not.

Well, it's quite possible they were pulling my leg, but I just wanted to drop through the floor.

[Ephemera]

I realize the midget & dead baby are worse, but this one would have just killed me, that I could be so insensitive as to not realize they were together.

I didn't get what was so embarassing about that until I read your post. So apparently, I'm worse than either of you.

[Kaotic Newtral]

I came down with 'foot in mouth' disease just last week.

Me and some friends were playing UT2004 Deathmatch. We were having a pretty good time, headsets, taunting, drinks...the whole kit-n-kaboodle.

There were about 10 of us playing and there were a couple folks who I didn't know to well who were logged into the server. Well, one guy was just getting his ass handed to him game after game. I taunted 'Man, you've played this before right'? ... the person said 'Yea, it's just hard to play one-handed.'

My witty reply was 'Jeez put down the porn for a second'. Well, his reply wasn't quite as witty...he said: 'No, I only have one useable arm, the other was paralyzed in an accident'.

I still feel pretty bad about it.

[SlickRoenick]

I work at a hospital whose primary software vendor is McKesson. While i was installing a rather cumbersome package with 3 other guys i work with in a trailer for testing purposes, there were 2 representatives of McKesson sitting quietly filling out paperwork that none of us knew were there. One of my associates said he was in the wrong business and was thinking about becoming a programmer to make some "real money." So i piped up loudly and said "Yeah, even if you make really shitty applications like McKesson you can still charge out the ass and you'd be sitting pretty!" The reps stood up and looked at me--they were livid.

[psychobunny]

This one was entirely my own fault. I always try to use a little humor when seeing my patients (on the order of "Have you ever had this before? Well, you've got it again" etc.) One day I was admitting a hospitalized patient and as I started to uncover her legs, I said "Let me see your feet. Still got two?" Unfortunately, I had admitted her a month before when she had one leg amputated. Luckily, she had a good sense of humor and knew mine. I've sort of cut back on the jokes recently. :D

[Clothahump]

I'm posting this about a cow-orker.

Today was the day of our office's Christmas pot-luck special. One of the other guys had volunteered to bring in egg rolls and peach cobbler made by his wife, who does a bang-up job on both. However, he went on vacation yesterday through the end of the year.

Noon comes and goes. Cow-orker #2 hasn't shown, so cow-orker #1 calls him at home and leaves him a rather hilarious assbite on the voice mail. Not 10 seconds after #1 hangs up, #2 walks through the door saying, "Bet you guys thought I wasn't going to show up, didn't you?"

Cow-orker #1's face is still red. And we will be dumping on him for months to come over this one. :p