The dumper is getting married! So soon?

[kittenblue]

You were all wrong. He's apparently not gay after all. The last thing I wanted to hear tonight is that the guy I dated for 2 and a half years, who dumped me only three and a half months ago to find out if there was possibilities with a woman he had just recently met, is marrying her in the next few weeks. He barely knows her! They have only been talking since January at the earliest, and he only met her in person in late April! He's 52 years old! He should know better! And she lives three hours away, and he only saw her at weekends, so exactly how much time can they have spent together, total?

Hey I don't blame her, in a way. He's a great catch...great job, owns his own home, kids all grown and gone. Why does the term "gold-digger" pop into my head? I doubt they've even had a good fight yet, and I firmly believe you shouldn't marry someone until you see how they deal with anger. And he as much as admitted that his sons aren't thrilled about this...always good to marry someone your kids don't like. He says they are busy and don't really care, but I know his eldest...I'm sure he has an opinion.

This is a man who doesn't jump into things. I am so stunned that I can't even think straight. And to top it off, she has a problem with me. ME! We've never met, and I have no idea what he told her about me, but she does not believe him when he tells her that the two of us were never sexual. When I expressed surprise at her disbelief, he asked me, "does anyone believe we dated so long with no sex?" and I told him, yes, my friends believed me when I told them, so why can't she? I asked if he reallly wanted to marry someone who didn't trust his word. He didn't dignify that with an answer...I guess it was a bit snarky of me.

Damn, damn, damn. Even though I'm about to have a first date with someone new, I still was hoping that maybe this wouldn't work out for him and he's be back. Now I just have to admit I am totally unlovable and undesirable. Two and a half years of dating every single week. Two and a half years of hours on the phone every single week. Damn.

[LilyoftheValley]

Bah, you're looking at this all wrong. This is good news for you. It's more evidence that he's got some seriously odd issues regarding relationships and women.

This means:

You're lucky to be rid of him and moving on with life.
The breakup had nothing to do with you.


Now tell me more about this upcoming date!

[World Eater]

Now I just have to admit I am totally unlovable and undesirable.

Totally wrong.

Thanks for stealing my post Lily! :p

[yosemite]

Now I just have to admit I am totally unlovable and undesirable. Two and a half years of dating every single week. Two and a half years of hours on the phone every single week. Damn.
As others have said, oh bullshit.

This has nothing to do with you, and everything to do with him. He is a little whacked. Not your problem anymore. Be grateful that you escaped!

[Ferret Herder]

It's just more evidence that he was already cheating on you (at least emotionally) while you were still together. You should definitely be happy he's gone - if this woman thinks twice about it, she'll realize she's with a cheater. Heck, maybe that's why she's jealous of you; she figures he might try to get back with you and worries about it.

Forget him, he's an asshole.

[NoClueBoy]

Guy's viewpoint here. Opinion: He was obviously either already interested in her before the breakup, or he's seriously not thinking straight.

Okay, sure. It's possible he jsut happened to find the one true love of his life mere moments after walking away from you, but I doubt it. Real life doesn't work that way. Usually.

As for your feeling undesirable right now, that is a common pattern for the dumpee. It passes. Really. It does. Instead of jumping into dating right quick, maybe you might want to relax and regroup.

Just babbling, don't mind me...

[Tuckerfan]

You know the best part? Marriages like his most often end up on shows like this! (http://www.courttv.com/onair/shows/forensicfiles/episodes/web_of_seduction.html) ;)

[LilyoftheValley]

Thanks for stealing my post Lily! :p

If a Red Sox fan and a Yankees fan agree on something, it must be true!

[kittenblue]

It's just more evidence that he was already cheating on you (at least emotionally) while you were still together. You should definitely be happy he's gone - if this woman thinks twice about it, she'll realize she's with a cheater. Heck, maybe that's why she's jealous of you; she figures he might try to get back with you and worries about it.

Forget him, he's an asshole.

Actually, the thought that's been running through my mind the last hour is that She's the one not to be trusted....follow my logic. He meets her in a Healthcare chatroom, they strike up a conversation and start emailing, first about remedies, and then it gets personal. Now this is a man who has been cheated on...he's very sensitive to this. He realizes he's starting to get interested, and since we obviously haven't pledged our love to each other, he meets her for coffee. He then decides he wants to get to know her better, but doesn't feel right about dating two women at once, so he tells me what's going on and starts dating her. She knows that he has been seeing me for a long time, and despite what he tells her, she believes that we are intimate...and yet she agrees to go out with him, even if it's just that initial coffee. So to my mind, she is obviously a woman who has no problem starting up a relationship with a man she believes is in a relationship already, even before he breaks it off. Hmmm, sounds just like the woman my ex-husband left me for! Add to that the fact that she doesn't believe him when he is telling her the truth....she sounds like a winner to me!

Yes, I probably am better off without him. But for tonight it hurts. And the guy I was supposed to meet this weekend hasn't returned my call or email yet, so I'm a bit down about that (we had planned to meet Monday night, but he had a meeting he had forgotten about, and said he'd call me to reschedule).

Hope he gets a pre-nup.

[Tuckerfan]

You know, if you wanted to be really cruel (not that you would, but it's fun to fantasize about these things), you have all kinds of life insurance policies mailed to him, call him and say that someone from XYZ insurance company called and was asking questions about him and his health. Send him some "black widow" type movies as a wedding present.

[iampunha]

...just cuz he's getting married doesn't mean he's straight...

[kittenblue]

...just cuz he's getting married doesn't mean he's straight...

Yes, that was my daughter's theory when I told her.

[FilmGeek]

Yeah, the guy who dumped you is the one who's gonna get screwed.

RIGHT. :dubious:

...and yet she agrees to go out with him, even if it's just that initial coffee. So to my mind, she is obviously a woman who has no problem starting up a relationship with a man she believes is in a relationship already, even before he breaks it off...

How do you know he told her he was in a relationship?

I wouldn't have a problem meeting a new friend for coffee even though I'm in a very committed relationship. That doesn't mean that I'm willing to start up a new relationship with this person.

Yes, I probably am better off without him.

There's one too many words in this sentence. :)

[Qadgop the Mercotan]

You know, the two things that you can do about this that will most benefit you in the long run are; wish him the best, and get on with your life.

[PunditLisa]

You're unlovable because your ex is going to marry someone else? By those standards just about all of us would be unlovable.

I don't know the specifics of your relationship with your ex, but not having sex when you're in a relationship with someone for 2 1/2 years, and your partner is 52 years old... wow, that's a major red flag. Physical attraction, while not the only aspect of a relationship, is certainly one important aspect. And you either have chemistry or you don't.

2 1/2 years is a long time to settle for something less than you want and deserve. A non-sexual relationship is not a complete relationship, IMO. Friendships are great, but if you want marriage (and it sounds to me like you do) then this guy simply wasn't right for you.

By getting married to someone else, he's doing you a huge favor. Now you can't kid yourself that you will get back together eventually. That's a good thing. So do yourself a favor and do what most exes do: Quit talking to him. Period. Quit trying to figure him out or fix his screwed up relationships. He doesn't have a pre-nup? Kittenblue, it simply isn't your business any more. And yes, that hurts. A lot. Grieving over a 2 1/2 year old relationship is normal and healthy. Obsessing about a past relationship that ultimately wasn't fulfilling is not.

Good luck to you.

[kittenblue]

2 1/2 years is a long time to settle for something less than you want and deserve. A non-sexual relationship is not a complete relationship, IMO. Friendships are great, but if you want marriage (and it sounds to me like you do) then this guy simply wasn't right for you. .

I think I need more practice I'm just not getting it right. Jump into bed right away, get dumped. Don't jump into bed at all, get dumped. And it's amazing how fast 2-1/2 years went by...honestly. It was fun while it lasted. Best friendship I've ever had with a guy. (probably because in the past I've jumped too quickly). I'm going to work on being more assertive about getting what I really want. I want to be the type of woman a guy will fall crazy in love with and want to marry immediately. Oh, right, that was how it happened with my ex-husband! And look how well that worked out.

Oh well, it was an experience. But since I need to start channeling my inner bitch ('cuz this nice girl thing ain't cutting it) I'm not going to wish him well. I hope she takes him for the house, and half his pension, and so alienates him from his kids that he rarely gets to see them and he crawls back to me and begs forgiveness! Oh, wait, that's what happened to my ex-husband with wife #2!






No, I'll just wish him well and send them a card.

I really hate being so nice.

[yosemite]

No, I'll just wish him well and send them a card.
Eh. I wouldn't waste the stamp. But if you want to, then it's not that big of a deal.

It doesn't sound like this marriage is destined for good things, but it's not your worry, thank goodness. I'd wish that things with his kids would be okay (that he'd be okay with his kids), but as for his marital happiness? Who cares. Who cares. Bleh. It sounds like his marriage is doomed, but (one more time) who cares. Not you, right? ;)

[Boyo Jim]

As a middle aged straight guy who hasn't had sex for WAY too long, let me throw in a few thoughts here. Personally I got tired of rejection some time back, to the point where I've pretty much stopped issuing invitations. That's not to way I wouldn't have accepted invitations offered to me. So I would not be terribly surprised if he showed no sexual aggressiveness in those years, I wouldn;t see it as a red flag. But if he has rejected approaches from you, that's a serious red flag.

If nothing else, this is pretty clear evidence this guy hasn't figured out who or who he wants in a relationship. Best you learn this now than later.

Good luck from even more moserable loser in the romance game. Jeez, I'm envious, you got far enough into a relationship to BE dumped. I should be so lucky.

[astro]

You need to review your original thread. IIRC several people. including myself, didn't not believe he was gay, but simply that he was not physically attracted to you, despite the fact that you were emotionally close, and that you were enganging in a powerful self delusion re the true nature and status of the relationship.

I'm a 46 year old man. If I was in a supposed boyfriend - girlfriend situation and there was no real hot and heavy physical interaction pretty soon (ie weeks to months) into it, even if it was short of intercourse, that would not be a boyfriend - girlfriend situation. I feel for you, but you have been engaging in a massive self delusion on the premise that your couplehood was "different". Hugs and gentle touches for 2.5 years may be charming, but it sounds like this guy was not attracted to you physically at all.

You need to heed Quagdop's suggestion to move on. Winding yourself up about the motives of this new women is useless and self destructive.

[Shirley Ujest]

Forget men.

Get yourself a nice vibrator, some chocolate and some kind of cat or dog for warm hugs and kisses.

[kittenblue]

As a middle aged straight guy who hasn't had sex for WAY too long, let me throw in a few thoughts here. Personally I got tired of rejection some time back, to the point where I've pretty much stopped issuing invitations. That's not to way I wouldn't have accepted invitations offered to me. So I would not be terribly surprised if he showed no sexual aggressiveness in those years, I wouldn;t see it as a red flag. But if he has rejected approaches from you, that's a serious red flag.

Well, thanks. You're about the first person who seems to understand the situation. And since I was not being aggressive towards him (you know, tired of being rejected so waiting to take my cues from him, a notoriously skittish guy who might have age-related libido problems) he apparently thought I wasn't attracted to him. Damned if I do, damned if I don't.

Lost a guy in college for the same reason...I decided to play it cool with him because I had gotten burned by a string of guys who mistook my natural physical affection for a loose nature, and he decided to play it cool with me because he's gotten badly dumped by someone who mistook HIS natural physical affection for something more sinister. So we both held back, and totally misread each other's interest, and while on a date with him he introduced me to a friend of his and then disappeared (a long story) for a couple hours, and then didn't call for a couple weeks. So when his friend asked me out, I went, and we fell madly in love, and by the time Guy One sent me a card declaring his interest, it was too late. He did propose to me a few years later when my future husband missed his plane home for the wedding (Guy One was our best man) and I always regret not being bold enough to run off with him right then...could have saved both of us from bad marriages. Named our son after him, too. See? I like staying friends with ex-boyfriends!

But everyone else thinks I'm delusional in this case....so nice to get Pitted myself when I'm trying to Pit someone! I think I'll be fine, though. Already have the cat, and even the other stuff. But I swear, the next guy I go out with that I'm even remotely attracted to is going to have to defend his honor, because it's been 9 years now...enough already!

[Jaade]

Kittenblue sweetie, you don't need anyone to beat you up or Pit you, you are doing just fine by yourself. Both of these threads have a strong theme of self-deprecation.

Sometimes people naturally assign blame to themselves when a relationship ends, but every post you make about every relationship you've had since college contains a statement about your faults in the relationship and what you did wrong.

Ok, the ex is getting married, and as far as you knew, he'd just started seeing this girl, but apparently they've been talking for almost a year now. So, he was looking for something that he wasn't getting from the relationship with you. It seems like you guys weren't just not having sex, you weren't talking about being intimate either. Did you ever discuss this, or did you just assume that he wanted to take it slow because of whichever reason?

You aren't delusional, but you aren't behaving in a way that is very healthy for yourself either. You DO focus too much of your energies on other people, and I'm sure that's a natural inclination for you. But you have to take time for yourself. You have to spend time rewarding yourself for your accomplishments, and you have to learn to say no when someone asks you to do something for them.

You've had bad experiences every year on the 4th of July and you want to change that? Plan something yourself, something that doesn't require another person's participation. Don't rely on anyone else to be your happiness, create your own happiness!

It seems that you have internalized a lot of the bad experiences you've had in your life, and you let them determine who you are. That's not healthy.

I think that you need to write a list, of all of the things that you like about yourself, of all the things that you don't like about yourself. On the don't like side, look at each item carefully and decide if it's something that you can actually change. If it's not something you can change, it's probably not even something worth worrying about. On the other side, take the positives and use them to bolster your confidence and your self-image.

I don't know you very well, and if I've misread anything at all, I do apologize. I just see a lady that is hurting inside, and is so down on herself it hurts me to read about it. Keep us posted about how you are doing, and I know that people here will be ready with a kind word and sage advice when you need it.

[Boyo Jim]

Well, thanks. You're about the first person who seems to understand the situation. ...!

Thiis is my curse. I get labeld as a synpathetic listener, someone women can tell their issues true and get a guy perspective. Women want someone like me in their lives, but not in a dual role as an SO, it seems, and the general response to me trying to move toward physical intimacy is shock and disappointment. They had me pegged as "safe" -- someone who won't be aggressive with them. And as I noted earlier, I have been becoming more and more "safe" as the years pass.

And BTW, I can imagine syself getting swept off by an agressive woman I who am also attracted to, very easily and quickly. 'Cause, basically, that's what I'm standing around waiting for.

I'm sorry to go on like this, but I thought that this might offer you one possible explanation of dynamics that might be involved.

[GrizzRich]

No, I'll just wish him well and send them a card.

I really hate being so nice.

[ricky vaughan]

You want me to drag him out of here? Beat the shit out of him?

[/ricky vaughan]

Eh............. sorry 'bout that. Some things just pop into my head right away when a (new!) friend-o-mine gets stepped on.

[kittenblue]

Oh, how sweet! Thanks, but I think we can pass on the thumping for now! But thanks for offering.

I do tend to analyze my faults in a relationship. I take responsibility for what I do, or say. And I thought that was the mature way to be.

It's no surprise to me that someone might like me, but not be physically attracted to me...I've had a weight problem since my daughter was born, and my ex-husband spent years trying to convince me that his infidelity was directly related to what the scale said. Problem is, I keep forgetting what size I am. So when this guy seemed to have no problem dating me despite the weight, I guess I forgot that my size might be an issue, and just attributed his lack of sexual interest to his own problems.

The timing thing ticks me off, because I just had weight-loss surgery and have lost 65 pounds in the past three months. Now before anyone yells at me, I didn't have the surgery because of him. I had it to save my health and my life. I hoped one of the side effects would be that he, or someone else, might take a second look at me, but I didn't go into this thinking that he would magically fall in love as soon as I lost weight. I was prepared for the fact that many people who have this surgery find that their relationships change drastically once the weight comes off, and the change is not always for the better. What I hadn't prepared myself for was the possibility of my relationship with him changing just three weeks before the surgery because of another woman. I found myself suddenly without the man who was going to be my support person. The guy who was going to tell me silly jokes, and said he would call me daily to distract me, and come over and get me away from the house during my medical leave. He said he felt bad about the timing too, but that didn't help much. So, as unrealistic as it seems, I felt not just bad about being dumped, but kicked in the head and stomped on, too. And I believed the things he said...that he would still come visit me in the hospital. He even asked for the directions, phone number...and he works just blocks from the hospital. I ended up spending four extra days in the hospital, and he never visited. So the guy who was so different from all the other men, ended up, by his own admission, being gutless.

I spent so many weeks being understanding about the break-up. Being stoical, and philosophical, and analytical. This is all just delayed grief. I have to mourn what I've lost. Even if what I lost was just a good friend, and a hope.

It was still fun while it lasted.

[GrizzRich]

Gah....

I wholeheartedly renew my offer!

'Cuz, ya know, sometimes even karma needs a nudge in the right direction.

Yeesh.