View Full Version : The Joke Thread (or, Cheer up Silver Fire (again))
12-06-2004, 09:11 PM
Hey, remember The Punchline Thread (http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=279745)?
Yeah, I didn't think so. Go read that one and then come back here. I'll wait for you...
Funny, eh? Yeah, I thought so, too. That might have been the pain medication. Anyway, I don't recognize a lot of those punchlines, so I was thinking you guys could post the jokes that go with them. Sounds good, right? Make sure you tell us which punchlines you're joking about. Don't worry if you weren't the one who posted the punchline originally; if you know a joke, post it.
Ready? Okay, GO!
12-06-2004, 09:20 PM
Is that... you're MOM?!
1) What's the opposite of Christopher Reeve?
2) Are you a duck? (Hi MaxTorque!)
3) I'm not even sure that's a real punchline. If it is, I don't remember the joke.
When I said I didn't recognize a lot of the punchlines, I meant it. Those are pretty much the only ones I know. :p
(I think this is where this goes... :rolleyes: )
12-06-2004, 10:43 PM
From post #18 in the linked thread, here are mine:
1. I learned this one on the SDMB. It was originally posted as a long shaggy dog story, so I'll summarize.
Two men are wandering through the desert when they come upon a large grouping of tents. Assuming they've stumbled into a fair, they go to the first tent and ask the woman standing inside what she may have to offer in the way of refreshment. She replies: "Sponge cake, sweet wine, whipped cream, custard, and a bit of strawberry jam." Since the men are thirsty for water or pop and in need of nutritious fare, they try the next tent, but the reply is essentially the same: "Sponge cake, whipped cream, sweet wine, custard, and a few gooseberries." With only minor variations, each vendor greets the travelers with a similar list. Eventually, the men decide to move on. A few miles down the road, one turns to the other and says: "That was rather a weird fair, wasn't it?" His companion replies: "Now that you mention it, it was just a trifle bazaar!"
2. A man walks into a bar and says he's short of money, so he asks if he can have a free drink. The bartender replies: "Okay, if you can name all fifty states of the USA in alphabetical order, along with the capital of each." The customer is very smart, and fulfills the terms with ease. The patrons are amazed, and one says: "I'm a musician. In fact, I'm a guitarist, and my buddy Tom is a pianist. We're supposed to be the entertainment, but Tom hasn't shown up. If you can play "Foggy Mountain Breakdown" on that piano over there, I'll give you $50."
The customer goes over to the battered Steinway in the corner and plays the bluegrass classic perfectly, not even needing the sheet music that the guitarist had provided. Just then, Tom shows up, so the customer gets up from the piano bench and rejoins the drinkers. Naturally, he is the center of attention, as the regulars wonder what other talents he may possess. After shooting the breeze for a few minutes,he approaches the barkeep and says: "Besides being a member of Mensa and a nusical prodigy, I also have the ability to perform amazing feats of skill. In fact, I'll bet you $100 that I can stand at one end of your bar and piss into a cup at the other end without letting one drop touch the fine mahogany surface. In case you don't know, the grain tells me the wood was cut in 1936 about 50 miles south of Manaus, Brazil."
The bartender has no idea if the customer is right about the wood or not, but he does know that the bar is 67 feet from end to end. Since that's longer than the distance from home plate to the pitcher's mound on a baseball field, he eagerly takes the bet. The customer stands up, unzips his pants, and lets loose a stream -- all over the bar and the bartender, who is cracking up at his wonder client's utter lack of bladder control. After toweling off and collecting the $100, he asks the customer: "Don't you feel like an idiot now?" The patron replies: "No, I don't feel stupid, 'cause I bet those frat boys over there $1000 that I could piss all over your bar, and you'd just laugh!"
3. Bill and his wife are on vacation in Mexico. They stop in a restaurant and order tacos and burritos -- fare they have some familiarity with. Before they receive their meals, however, they hear a mariachi band start playing as a waiter emerges from the kitchen with a plate containing a bed of rice, upon which sit two huge spherical objects. To much fanfare, the wealthy-looking diner at the best table in the place receives the dish and begins to dig in. Seeing the tycoon's obvious, near-orgasmic pleasure, Bill catches the waiter's attention and asks: "What is that man eating? I want to change my order to whatever it is!"
The waiter replies: "First of all, seņor, that meal costs $200. Even if you can afford it, you can't have it today. Only one customer can have it. You see, we are a small town, so our bull ring can only host one fight a day. It just ended about an hour ago. When the fight was over, the bull was killed, and the matador received the ears and tail. What that man over there is eating are los cojones del toro[i], if you know what I mean."
"Yes, I do", Bill replies. "Well, the delight on that fellow's face is so obvious that I will pay $200 right now -- plus a little extra for your trouble -- if I can reserve tomorrow's [i]cojones platter."
"Certainly, seņor. I look forward to seeing you tomorrow at this hour."
So Bill and his wife spend the next day doing typical tourist things, and return to the restaurant at the appointed time. Bill sits down, the mariachis play, the waiter emerges from the kitchen -- and sets down a plate containing two tiny, shriveled cojones. Bill angrily asks: "What is the meaning of this? Are you trying to cheat me? No toro could have such tiny testicles!" The waiter shrugs and explains: "You see, seņor, the bull -- he does not always lose!"
12-06-2004, 11:53 PM
This isn't linked a punchline, its just a joke I heard recently. :D
A Russian couple were walking down the street in Moscow one night,
when the man felt a drop hit his nose.
"I think it's raining", he said to his wife.
"No, that felt more like snow to me", she replied.
"No, I'm sure it was rain", he said.
They were about to have a major argument about whether it was raining
or snowing, but just then they saw a Communist Party official walking
"Let's not fight about it", the man said, "Let's ask Comrade Rudolph if it's officially raining or snowing".
As the official approached, the husband said, "Tell us, Comrade
Rudolph, is it officially raining or snowing?"
"It's raining, of course", the official replied, and walked on.
But the woman insisted: "That felt like snow!"
To which he husband quietly replied: "Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear..."
12-07-2004, 10:17 AM
1. "How many times do I have to tell you? No, no, no!"
2. A giraffe eating cherries.
1. There once was a man who was well-endowed. Too well endowed, in fact. 25 inches. Scared away quite a few women with that one. So one day, he decides he needs to do something about it. He visits all the doctors in town, but none of them can do anything for him.
Then he hears about a witch doctor in the woods who may be able to help him. He goes to see the witch doctor, who tells him, "Go down to the lake. You will find a frog sitting on a log. Ask him if he will marry you, and every time he says 'no' you will loose five inches."
So the man goes down to the lake, and finds the frog. He goes up to the frog, and asks him, "Will you marry me?"
The frog looks at him quizzically. "No."
The man looks, and sure enough, it worked. So he asks again, "Will you marry me?"
More annoyed this time. "No."
The man decides that one more time should do it, so he asks the frog one more time, "Will you marry me?"
"How many times do I have to tell you, no, no no!"
2. How do you hide an elephant in the dandilions? You paint his toenails yellow
Have you ever seen an elephant hiding in the dandilions? No. See, it works!
How do you hide an elephant in a cherry tree? You paint its toenails red. No, you paint its balls red.
What is the loudest sound in the jungle? A giraffe eating cherries.
I'll leave the other three punchlines I posted. One is from these boards and I don't remember the joke very well. One of the others is fairly well known, and I can't be bothered to type out the third right now.
12-07-2004, 10:21 AM
Hi, I'm Snickers, and here's my joke. I'll include the punchline too so's you don't have to go back to the old thread for satisfaction. I believe I might have gotten it here, from the SDMB.
A woman pregnant with twins was the victim of a break-in, and the panicked burgler shot her in the belly in his haste to get away. Amazingly, both she and the twins survived.
16 years later, her daughter runs into the kitchen. "Mom! The weirdest thing happened! I was peeing and I peed out a bullet."
Shocked, her mother begins to explain the story. Just then, her son runs in. "You won't believe what I just did."
"What? Did you pee a bullet too?" asks his sister.
"No! I was jacking off and I shot the dog!"
12-07-2004, 04:47 PM
If you like puns, go to my page at http://www.geocities.com/rowrrbazzle/x/
and listen to the following:
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