I am living in a crack house

[Eve]

You all remember the continuing saga of my downstairs neighbors, the Kallikacks? The people who put a giant inflatable Scooby-Doo on the front lawn? She's a drinkin', smokin', druggin' welfare Mom; he's her married jailbird boyfriend, and they both regularly beat the tar out of one another. The landlord (who doesn't live in the house) is not about to evict them, as he gets his rent check straight from welfare.

Well. This week I spot this while perusing the local paper's Police Blotter (oh, yeah, like you don't read those, too!):

" . . . following a dispute at Burger King [!], police arrested Brandine Kallikack, 44, at her home in Evetown, for possession of two glass vials of suspected crack cocaine [!!]. She was released on recognizance." On recognizance of her parolee, abusive boyfriend, I might add.

Now mind you, this is a nice neighborhood! I have long since stopped feeling sorry for anyone in this mess except little Brandi-Sue Condoleezza, their daughter, who bounces in and out of Child Protective Services (which, in NJ, means putting her in front of the Opera House with a basket of violets).

Yikes. I just hope if there's a murder/suicide, as there's bound to be sooner or later, they don't torch the house.

[Loach]

Probably due to my increasing lunkheadedness I am very happy with myself when I get obscure references. My eyes lit up when I saw mention of the Kallikacks. Maybe it's a Jersey thing.

[gobear]

Just pretend you're a spectator in an Emile Zola novel.

[jk1245]

A few simple decorating flourishes can turn that crack house into a crack home.

[Regallag_The_Axe]

I half expect this (with so much disfuntionallity) to be made into a sitcom on Fox. :rolleyes:

[lieu]

A few simple decorating flourishes can turn that crack house into a crack home.Throw pillows, perhaps?

[Eve]

I half expect this (with so much disfuntionallity) to be made into a sitcom on Fox. :rolleyes:

Starring Tom Arnold and Jennifer Coolidge as the Kallikacks. I, I fear, will be played by Dixie Carter.

[gobear]

Starring Tom Arnold and Jennifer Coolidge as the Kallikacks. I, I fear, will be played by Dixie Carter.
Nah, Fanny Brice (with the help of a time machine set to the New Amsterdam Theatre in 1911 and some chloroform)

Maybe Zasu Pitts.

[Number]

Throw pillows, perhaps?Or in this case, blow pillows.

[Eve]

Omigod, I am living in a John Waters movie, c1974. I can easily see the Kallikacks played by David Lochary and Mary Vivian Pearce, and little Brandi-Sue Condoleezza by Mink Stole in a pinafore.

I, of course, am Divine.

[Zebra]

You realize that if they do the murder/suicide you will end up adopting Brandi-Sue.

[Eve]

You realize that if they do the murder/suicide you will end up adopting Brandi-Sue.

"Brandi-Sue, dahling, I'm your Auntie Mame!"

[Liz]

Omigod, I am living in a John Waters movie, c1974... I, of course, am Divine.
...will you wear the ultra-high arching eyebrows? I might would pay to see that.

[Ponder Stibbons]

I, of course, am Divine.
Well of course you are. But who do you suppose will play your part? ;)

[MrFantsyPants]

I, of course, am Divine.

Holy crap! I'm your biggest fan!

[photopat]

Holy crap! I'm your biggest fan!


:dubious: Now, was that intentional?

So tell me Eve, have you hit the big time as an innocent bystander yet? Has Cops visited your building?

[Eve]

Has Cops visited your building?

Well, the cops have visited. My doorbell rang last week, I leaned out the window and said, "yes?" and a policeman said, "we got a call about a domestic disturbance at this address?" and I automatically said, "oh, that would be around back."

I was right, of course.

[CynicalGabe]

A few simple decorating flourishes can turn that crack house into a crack home.

ROFLMAO.

Bless The Onion
http://www.theonion.com

[Zebra]

"Brandi-Sue, dahling, I'm your Auntie Mame!"

It would be very sweet. From buying her first lorgnette to your matching fainting couches. (Her's would be smaller) Then you could make a fine match for her and make her marry a rich industrialist against her will.

[dearissues]

Throw pillows, perhaps?



Maybe mirrors on the ceiling to match the ones on the coffee table.

[plnnr]

"Brandi-Sue, dahling, I'm your Auntie Mame!"

Do you have that great couch designed by Yul Lulu? You know, the one that goes up and down when you pull the cord? How 'bout Peggy Cass? Does she live with you (having been defiled by Robin Hughes)?

[Knowed Out]

Maybe one of these days you ought to dress like Daphne to match the inflatable Scooby.

[Shirley Ujest]

I googled Kallikacks and came back with nuthin'.

don't keep us non-NJ'er dopers in the dark.

[gobear]

I googled Kallikacks and came back with nuthin'.

don't keep us non-NJ'er dopers in the dark.

It's Kallikaks, a pseudonym to protect the anonymity of a family living in the Pine Barrens, who were the subjects of a study by eugenicist Henry Goddard that purported to trace the family genetic heritage of feeble-mindedness.

[Cat Whisperer]

It's Kallikaks, a pseudonym to protect the anonymity of a family living in the Pine Barrens, who were the subjects of a study by eugenicist Henry Goddard that purported to trace the family genetic heritage of feeble-mindedness.
Oh, THOSE Kallikaks.

[Cisco]

Front lawn? I always thought you lived in Manhattan, Eve. Maybe that's just what your personality seems like :D.

[Eve]

I always thought you lived in Manhattan, Eve. Maybe that's just what your personality seems like :D.

Aren't you sweet, dahling. Well, I work in Midtown, and can see the Empire State Building from my living-room window, so I am damn close.

[Hostile Dialect]

She gets caught with a little crack and it's a crack house? Den of iniquity, maybe; terrible place to raise children, certainly (from everything else I've heard); but be thankful she doesn't run an operation out of there. (I'm sure you would be able to tell, what with all the people coming and going all the time.)

[Loach]

It's Kallikaks, a pseudonym to protect the anonymity of a family living in the Pine Barrens, who were the subjects of a study by eugenicist Henry Goddard that purported to trace the family genetic heritage of feeble-mindedness.

And I actually understood the reference. I almost did a little dance. I knew Weird NJ would come in handy.

[Eve]

And I actually understood the reference. I almost did a little dance. I knew Weird NJ would come in handy.

Jesus Christ, my house is listed in Weird NJ?

[Loach]

Jesus Christ, my house is listed in Weird NJ?

Not yet. I'm still typing.

[Gatopescado]

Does that entitle you to a discount?

[Governor Quinn]

Starring Tom Arnold and Jennifer Coolidge as the Kallikacks. I, I fear, will be played by Dixie Carter.

There's one way of stopping this.

If you and I can write a pilot script, and then sell it to a network, it would enable the two of us to handpick the cast.

If we don't do it, someone else will.