PDA

View Full Version : Say you meet a sibling that you didn't know existed.


Omega Glory
12-15-2004, 08:30 AM
What if an unknown sibling from one of your parents' past relationships gives you a call or shows up at your doorstep. Lets say that the person has proof of his or her claim, and isn't an axe murderer or anything. How do you react toward this person, and why*? Invite the person into your life? Tell them never to contact you again, and take steps to make sure that they won't get a cut of the family inheritance? Something in-between?

There was a similar question directed at fathers awhile back, but I'm interested in hearing what a sibling's reaction would be. If anyone has actually been in a similar situation, please feel free to share your story.

other questions:
Does it matter how this person is related to you (father's child vs. mother's child or full sibling)? Would your answer change based on whose DNA you two share?

Do you think that your answer would change based on your current siblings? (Would you think some variation on, "I all ready have a brother, and don't need another" or "Well I'm an only child, so having a sister would be nice" or even "I hate all of my other siblings, so thanks but no thanks."

*I'm sure that most people will say that they would welcome the person with open arms (assuming that anyone decides to post:),) but I'm very interested in hearing the reasons that a person unwilling to let the sibling into his/her life might have.

Phlosphr
12-15-2004, 08:45 AM
The factors are many Omega. To me I'll list the premier factors affecting my decision, and give a short anecdote to back it up.

First, I would think it would depend on your relationships with your mother and father, and their relationship with each other. In addition, you would need to factor in your relationship with your other siblings should you have any.

If your parents are divorced, and perhaps there had been some sort of estrangement, I would think the initial surprise may be slightly easier to deal with, meaning, "Ok I haven't seen my father in 20 years, Oh I see he has been busy, and I have a half brother from his current marriage...." Or some other configuration therein.

If you parents are not divorced, and seemed happy for the past couple decades and you suddenly find out there was some infidelity way back, then I would think you may be inclined to question the new sibling a little more.

Ultimately the decision resides within you, and should be dealt with according to your relationship with your parents and your own personal values relating half brothers or sisters.

Anecdote: My step sister found out when she was 38 that she has a half brother only 3 years older than herself. Having an OK relationship with her father, she eventually opened up to this man, and his family. And now they are extremely close. Remember blood is slways thicker than water.

35340
12-15-2004, 09:00 AM
I think it would make me question my parents and my relationship with them more. With my mom, of course, it would have to be along the lines of things that happened before we were born, my dad it could be any time.

If it were pre-marriage, I'd ask why they had kept the sibling away from us, and I'd try to build a relationship with the person based on how we got on. If they haven't been brainwashed by the parent we didn't share, we could probably get on well.

If it were during the marriage, well, I'd probably hate my dad quite a bit and it would likely disrupt our relationship quite a bit. He made a great effort in keeping together our little family (mom did too but she couldn't have had another kid w/o us noticing) and to find out he'd tossed one to the wolves would shake me considerably. Same bits about brainwashing and uncommon parent.

But even if it turned out to be "oh, we share a parent" claim that ultimately turned out false (mistaken identity, or whatever), I wouldn't use the sudden "lack" of bloood relation to dump them.

I don't find blood thicker than water. I have a family by choice, and nothing other people do will break me up with those I choose.

Caricci
12-15-2004, 09:03 AM
My dad, the son of a bigamist, met 4 younger siblings who never knew HE existed until just before they contacted him. It was and is and always will be the happiest, most wonderful thing to ever happen to him. I've only met one of them, my Uncle Caleb, and he's just the greatest guy in the world.

TellMeI'mNotCrazy
12-15-2004, 09:07 AM
I was 13 when I found out I had a sister, my mother's daughter, that I never knew about. I learned about her from my step-mother, who just assumed I knew about her. To this day, I haven't been able to meet her (she lives in Thailand) but I intend to. There's a thread around here somewhere where I talk about the experience I had in tracking her down, and we've talked a few times.

Had I been older, my reaction probably would have been a lot more painful, but even at 13, I was floored to think that my mother could hide the existence of one of her own children. Mostly, though, I was thrilled to think I had a big sister, something I'd always wished for, even if it was mostly in my imagination.

Sat on Cookie
12-15-2004, 09:10 AM
I would not welcome the person with open arms. I like my family the way it is, thankyouverymuch, and it would be extremely upsetting to suddenly find out I had another sibling. It would feel like a stranger was trying to infiltrate our family, no matter if that person was a blood relative or not. And, yes, if it was due to infidelity, that would cause unbelievable heartache for all involved, I'm sure.

Abbie Carmichael
12-15-2004, 09:18 AM
I'm an only child so I wouldn't consider it to be a bad thing.

It would make a HUGE difference to me who's kid it was, though. I would be much more likely to welcome a long lost child of my mother's. Given my dad is a GIANT jerk, I'd be really leery until I got to know them better.

35340
12-15-2004, 09:20 AM
I would not welcome the person with open arms. I like my family the way it is, thankyouverymuch, and it would be extremely upsetting to suddenly find out I had another sibling. It would feel like a stranger was trying to infiltrate our family, no matter if that person was a blood relative or not. And, yes, if it was due to infidelity, that would cause unbelievable heartache for all involved, I'm sure.

But doesn't concealing the siblings existence (assuming it is known) also mean that parent is a bit more of a stranger than you thought?

Shade
12-15-2004, 09:24 AM
Assuming my parents were out of the picture and had a good reason for forgetting to mention it, it'd be quite cool to meet them. Getting to know them better would depend entirely on how we got on, I think.

treis
12-15-2004, 09:27 AM
Family has nothing to do with biology. In my mind your parents are the ones who raised you, your siblings are the people you grew up with. A random person showing up at my door is just that a random person showing up at my door. It doesn't matter to me that we have similar DNA.

grimpixie
12-15-2004, 09:34 AM
This happened to my wife a couple of years ago - well, almost happened. This woman got in touch with my father-in-law (FIL) to say that she was his daughter by a girl he had dated a couple of times many years ago in another city. Her "father" had recently died, and her mother had "confessed all" to her. It had been kept a secret from everyone. Apparently (we never met her as it turned out) she was the spitting image of FIL, and all and sundry back home welcomed her with open arms, going as far as organising a family gathering as a sort of welcome party. It turned out that this woman was also living in the UK, only a couple of hours away from where we were. My wife made contact with this new "half-sister" and we exchanged emails, trying to arrange to get together, while the blood tests that she and FIL had had in South Africa were being processed.

My wife went through a gamut of emotions from excitement, to anger at her dad, to jealousy over the ease with which everyone welcomed her in, and you can imagine the confusion when the blood tests came back negative - no chance of the two of them being relatives... everything fell apart after that, she stopped responding to our emails, and to be honest, we were rather relieved, as it would have been *rather* awkward. I don't think she was being dishonest, it was just a coincidental resemblance and a hasty conclusion...

All rather confusing really...

Grim

ShibbOleth
12-15-2004, 10:21 AM
I was 13 when I found out I had a sister, my mother's daughter, that I never knew about. I learned about her from my step-mother, who just assumed I knew about her. To this day, I haven't been able to meet her (she lives in Thailand) but I intend to. There's a thread around here somewhere where I talk about the experience I had in tracking her down, and we've talked a few times.


That's interesting to me, is your mother Thai and she had a child before she met your father, or did she just spend some time in Thailand and have a relationship while there? The second way around seems a lot more common with men visiting Thailand although I'd guess it happens more often with women these days.

TellMeI'mNotCrazy
12-15-2004, 10:23 AM
That's interesting to me, is your mother Thai and she had a child before she met your father, or did she just spend some time in Thailand and have a relationship while there? The second way around seems a lot more common with men visiting Thailand although I'd guess it happens more often with women these days.


My mom (like your wife, IIRC) is Thai, and had a daughter before she met my Dad.

halfseasover
12-15-2004, 10:43 AM
Background: My dad and mom got hitched when I was on the way and they were both in their very early 20s. They had me and my sister, and divorced when I was 5. The divorce was fairly friendly, and we spent two days a week (not weekends) with dad and, later, my step-mom for the whole time we were growing up. All the parents (including, later, my step-dad) got along well together, and I have a good relationship with all concerned to this day. (I'm 28 now, and have two more sisters from my mom and step-dad.)

Cut to: When I was 16, I was riding in the car with my dad and sister, and dad says, "I heard from Sam." I asked who that was, and he said, "Your brother."

Turns out, he was married straight out of high school (again, because of the kid being on the way - evidentally, condoms were not part of dad's life in the 70s). They had Sam and divorced not long after. When Sam was 5 (and I was negative 1), his mom moved him out of state and her new hubby adopted him. For 17 years dad had no part of his life, and we had no idea this guy existed.

So he came to visit. He looked sort of like my dad - more so now than then - and we were all friendly, but it was like meeting a shirttail cousin, sort of. No real connection besides blood. From then to now, we've bumped into each other from time to time. He now lives in the same town we all do, and once in a while will join in some family gathering, but not all the time. I tend to run into him in the liquor store, since the apple didn't fall too far frm the tree in some ways. He's a nice guy, but in no way do we have the same relationship that I have with my sisters - both full and half.

Ephemera
12-15-2004, 04:30 PM
Family has nothing to do with biology. In my mind your parents are the ones who raised you, your siblings are the people you grew up with. A random person showing up at my door is just that a random person showing up at my door. It doesn't matter to me that we have similar DNA.

I feel similarly but not quite the same. While someone having half my DNA does not entitle them to me liking, loving, or even respecting them, it's enough of a rarity that I'd be interested in at least getting to know them a bit and then deciding from there if I should bother continuing my relationship with them.

This attitude gives my mother, an orphan who spent years tracking down family, no small amount of unhappiness.

InternetLegend
12-15-2004, 10:00 PM
I was 31 when I got a call from someone claiming to be my half-sister. Since I'd never heard anything about another sister, I kind of brushed her off. She was passing through town, and I didn't meet with her because I wasn't too sure about her story. I'd met her mother some years back, and she'd always struck me as being beyond eccentric, to the point of being a little crazy, so I thought perhaps she'd passed some of that on to her daughter. I called my dad to ask, just in case, and he said yes, she was his daughter. She was born in between his divorce from my mother and his marriage to my first stepmother, and she's eight years younger than I am.

Because I missed my chance to meet her then, eight years passed before I actually met her in person. We exchanged letters and photos in the meantime, although she'd been brought up with stories and photos of me and my brother and our half-brother and -sister. She grew up an only child with a rather mentally unstable mother, and she lived with her emotionally distant maternal grandparents for much of her childhood before she was sent to boarding school. She always wished she could know her siblings, but she never got the chance to meet any of us because our father refused to have any contact with her. He paid a minimal amount of child support to the German government, and that was it.

Once I knew that she was actually my half-sister, I really wanted to meet her. I felt angry at my dad for not telling any of his other children about her, and I felt that I'd been cheated out of having a real relationship with my sister. He was surprised that I was willing to acknowledge her as part of the family, but once he realized that I not only accepted her but felt that he had not lived up to his obligations to her, he started to correspond with her. Once I met her, we felt that there were a lot of uncanny similarities between us, even though we were brought up in very different circumstances. By the time I did meet her, our father had died, and she'd only met him a couple of times, so she was very eager to hear about him. Her mother had given her an idealized version of him, so I think she was surprised at how vehemently angry I was about his complete neglect of her.

Now that we do know each other, my sister and I have settled into the pattern of mostly non-contact I have with all my family members. We get in touch now and again, but we live in different countries, so we very rarely see each other. However, she will always be my sister, and that means that I'll always be here for her, no matter what. I'm firnly in the "blood is thicker than water" camp.

pepperlandgirl
12-16-2004, 12:01 AM
If the sibling is older than me and my father's child, no problem.
If the sibling is older than me and my mother's child...I'd be a little freaked out. Well, a lot freaked out.

If the sibling was younger than me--my parents married about 7 months before I was born--then I would be furious with who ever the parent is, but I would try to form a relationship with Long Lost Sibling if that's what he/she wanted.

pepperlandgirl
12-16-2004, 12:04 AM
I want to clarify I'd be freaked out about my mother not because I expected her to be a virgin or anything, but that seems so completely antithetical to everything I know about my mother that it just doesn't seem possible in any way....I can't imagine any situation where she would give up her child.

Flutterby
12-16-2004, 12:32 AM
It would depend a lot on how old the half-sibling was and which parent.

First off if a half-sibling did come out of the woodwork I would like to get to know them, or try to, learn about their life and see if we could at least be friends.

What changes isn't so much how I would react to the sibling, but how it would effect the relationship with my parent.

If they were my Dad's child and older than me.. well I would be surprised. Really surprised actually, because Dad did his damndest to stay a part of our lives after the divorce and still sticks his nose in. If he knew he had a child he probably would have mentioned it, or I would have had some inkling. I may not be in the loop but I manage to pick up stuff all the time, and Dad seems to have this thing with confessing to me about stuff. If he didn't know that he had a child then I would understand not telling.

A child younger than my brother is a very slim chance though, but between my brother and I.. I would be pissed. It would probably wreck our relationship again because I never felt Dad could cheat physically (emotionally is another story)

Mom, well I would be surprised she hadn't mentioned anything. I wouldn't be too surprised that I had an older sibling because from what I understand she was a wild one in her younger days. Because of her family she would've given the child up for adoption.. but I'm pretty sure she'd tell me that I had a sibling out there. So I would be really surprised that she hadn't said anything to me. I don't think it would effect how we deal with each other though, we get along better than Dad and I.

E. Thorp
12-16-2004, 12:37 AM
I have a close friend who, in his 20s, discovered a half-brother in his 30s. Father's previous relationship; my friend doesn't think much of his dad, so he just met the brother once, I think, and was cordial but didn't pursue any further contact.

On the other hand, I think the world of my parents and I doubt that would change if I discovered a long-lost half-sibling from one of their previous relationships or, maybe, even from an extramarital affair. I think I would enjoy getting to know new family, though no one will ever measure up to my sisters. As an adult I have gotten to know a few of my second cousins for the first time; I imagine meeting half-siblings would be similar.

All this is not impossible but, in my opinion, extremely unlikely. My parents have led pretty quiet lives, as do I.

I have another friend who discovered in adulthood that "family friends" he'd known all his life were in fact his biological father and three half-siblings, thanks to an affair his mother had had in the 60s. That was odd.

KRC
12-16-2004, 02:21 AM
It happened in my mother's family. She and one of her sisters were doing ancestral research in the 1980's and found out that their father had been married to another woman before he married my grandmother. They had two half brothers and a half sister, plus an unknown half brother from one of my grandfather's affairs after he left his first wife.

We knew very little about my grandfather, as he had died when my mother and her sisters were rather young. My mother's family vaguely remembered the uncles, who were already dead by the time my mother and her sister did the research. Their half sister was still alive, however.

My mother and one of my aunts went to visit this new sister they had found. She was polite but told them at the end of the visit not to come back, as she was still upset over her father's divorce, which had happened 65 year earlier. And my mother and my aunts apparently reminded her of it.

The woman is in her 90's now and I guess is still carrying her resentment.

Hostile Dialect
12-16-2004, 02:35 AM
I'd welcome him/her, more out of curiosity than familial love. Does s/he play the same games? Watch the same TV/movies? Have the same preferences in relationships? Drink the same drinks?

lorene
12-16-2004, 06:01 AM
InternetLegend 's experience is the closest to what I think my answer would be. (Having never been in the situation, I'm just speculating here).
I'd want to meet the person and see if there was reason to/ interest in having some type of relationship. I'd not hold the half-sibling responsible for the actions of his or her parents (including whichever parent we shared).
However, I wouldn't force myself to have a relationship with someone just because of blood lines. If the half-sibling was someone I'd never choose as a friend, well, I'm not going to choose them as a friend just because we're related.

Shirley Ujest
12-16-2004, 06:48 AM
Being that I am adopted and my parents were about 19 when I was born, I probably have a couple of sets of half siblings out there. Somewhere.

Its kinda cool, I think.


I wonder if they are as deranged as me.

lieu
12-16-2004, 01:04 PM
It can be a pretty wonderful thing. In some ways she's (http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=222570) my best friend.

Omega Glory
12-16-2004, 01:52 PM
Thanks for the replies everyone. I had a long post written up, but lost it, so this is a shortened version. I recently found out about two siblings (my father's children) this way. One of them found the other first, then tracked me down. Sibling 2 didn't like the fact that my parents are still married and that I grew up in a two parent household. While her feelings were understandable, I decided that it was best not to let possibly unstable strangers into my life. Both before and after this situation took place, my feelings have been similar to treis' and Sat on a Cookie's. If my mother had any surprise children, they would probably have a better chance, simply for her sake since she's so family and child oriented.

mojave66
12-16-2004, 02:13 PM
Wow! Interesting stories up there.

My partner found out after her dad died that she had a half-sister. This didn't surprise her; her dad was a bit of a playboy. They've stayed in semi-contact, but it isn't a sibling relationship by any stretch, even though her half-sister seems like a nice enough person.

The BIG shocker was the story of an adopted friend of mine. Apparently she was in a study that separated identical twins in a nature/nurture study. Lord almighty, how unethical and inhuman is that? But it happened. She's in her early 30's and just found her identical twin-- no kidding.

StGermain
12-16-2004, 04:30 PM
My paternal grandfather died about 25 years ago. He was a selfish pettty tyrant. Not long after my father's death (my father was everything my grandfather wasn't, having vowed never to be like his dad) my mother heard from a woman who was my dad's dad's illegitimate daughter, given up for adoption 50-60 years earlier. My mother, who is never able to keep her nose out of other people's business, contacted all my dad's sibs and told them about Patty. The sibs were furious, to begin with. But now, 4 years later, once a year all my aunts from that side of the family, my mother, and now Patty, get together for a weekend getaway (they all live in different states). Patty isn't exactly a member of my dad's family, but she's tentatively accepted.

StG

yoursalways
02-15-2013, 06:21 PM
Hi!

These posts have been comforting. Years ago, I read in a "divorce" transcript of my parents testimony from my father about a woman who was pregnant that my father was spending a lot of time with and expending household finances. My mother was going to have her subpoenaed. She left the state. I had her name and searched in the eighties for my sibling (without my mother's knowledge). Now that we have internet capabilities, but I have forgotten her name, I am still searching. I am sure she married or may have even given the child up for adoption. They would have been born in the sixties, mid to late. The woman's first name was Cathy or Carol. She was at Patrick AFB in Florida in the sixties.

I am a "big" family person...love all my siblings, cousins, etc. Spent every summer growing up with family, either at the Shore, Philly area or Ohio. Why would anyone reject a sibling they found out about? It's not their fault our/your parents are "people". Remember, sometimes we think our parents are to be perfect. Siblings know each other, barring sickness and accidental death, longer than any other blood relative. :)

Saintly Loser
02-15-2013, 07:31 PM
I don't think I'd react at all.

Two of my siblings are adopted, and one is bio. So my parents had two kids by adoption and two the old-fashioned way.

We're siblings. No doubt about it. I do not feel in any way different about my non-genetic siblings than I do about my genetic sibling. They all drive me just as nuts, and I love them all dearly.

So someone who showed up sharing some genes, but who I'd never seen before, or even heard of? I'd have a hard time thinking of him or her as a sibling.

mage-girl
02-15-2013, 07:45 PM
I actually had a situation like this come up last year.

At the time I had one half-sibling (we have a different father). We grew up together so I regard him as a "full" brother.

Then I found an e-mail on Facebook from someone claiming to be my father's last girlfriend, and saying that I have another half-brother!

After verifying that she was talking about my dad, I was very open with them. Told them what I knew about my dad, growing up, my circumstances, etc. We never met in person - they live at least 3 hours away, and I don't drive. And I didn't particularly want them showing up on my doorstep either.

Early on they seemed really psyched to know me. Then later not so much. Not sure what happened, but I did find out my new half-brother was in some legal trouble. We're wondering if maybe he'd been hoping I have money (I don't) to somehow help him and his family out.

A few weeks ago my mom talked to my dad in the nursing home for the first time in over 35 years. He 'fessed up to ANOTHER potential child, a boy, who would have been born when I was 3. Mom had always suspected, but never known for sure. So now I have a total of 3 half-brothers, only one of which I regard as a full brother.

Given my experience with his other kid, I'm not about to go looking for the next one. For some reason I got rejected. I'd rather not have that happen again.

Eliahna
02-15-2013, 08:25 PM
I can't imagine how that sibling could exist without megadrama. My parents were each other's first and only relationship, have been together since they were 18 and got married at 20. Any relationship with the sibling would probably have an equal and opposite impact on my relationship with another member of my family, and while we all share blood, my known family and I share experience and history which would generally weight my priorities in their favour.

Also, this is probably just me, but my self identity is tied up a bit with my position in my family. I am C, daughter of G and J, sister of R. I am the only daughter and the eldest of 2 children. It would shake me up a lot to learn that I was mistaken about any of those facts, which have been unchanged since I was 3 years old.

etv78
02-16-2013, 12:38 PM
I'm adopted, so I'd LOVE to meet my bio siblings (assuming I have any).

Siam Sam
02-18-2013, 10:13 PM
I may have at least one unknown half-sibling, maybe more. I recall one especially vicious argument between my parents when I was a child during which my mother threw in my father's face several transgressions committed in his past, apparently all before he'd met her and which he'd been unwise enough to tell her about. One was getting someone pregnant. That probably would have been in California or Colorado unless it was in his Army days. Whether that led to an abortion, I have no idea.

But if any supposed sibling showed up, I'd want DNA proof before I fully believed. I'd probably be interested in a chat with the person and maybe keeping in touch, but really, this would be a stranger with whom I'd very possibly have absolutely nothing else in common.

Antinor01
02-19-2013, 11:23 AM
The odds of me having half siblings out there is very high. (Through the father I never met). I would like to get to know them if they exist.

StusBlues
02-19-2013, 11:26 AM
I'd gauge my reaction off the person. If they were honestly just getting to know me because, y'know, genetic sibs and all that, I'd invite them into my life 100%. If they were seeking me out because they needed money, I'd be much more circumspect.

Bosda Di'Chi of Tricor
02-19-2013, 06:39 PM
I would welcome and grieve for them, as they aren't gonna find the Waltons in our family, Jackson.

Skald the Rhymer
02-19-2013, 06:42 PM
Something like this happened to my best friend from high school, except that the sibling she suddenly discovered existed wasn't a half; it was a WHOLE sibling. Her parents had had a son when they were in their teens, given them to an older relative to raise, and then moved cross country and become estranged from the relative in question. (Points 3 & 4 may be related.) We were in our early twenties when she found out about it.

She kinda likes the guy, but she was still pissed at her parents for months because of the secret-keeping.

Baker
02-19-2013, 07:41 PM
All I would want to know about this new found sibling would be genetic information, in case of medical need.

Kaio
02-19-2013, 11:56 PM
Remember blood is slways thicker than water.

No, it's not.

I don't think I'd be inclined to approach it any differently than any stranger wanting to get to know me, aside from perhaps letting my mom know this person showed up, in case there are any legal issues that would need to be sorted out. (Well, and, if they claimed to be my mother's child, I'd laugh and give them the boot, because I know my mom well enough to know that that had no chance to happen. And I don't make friends with dishonest people.)

Whether or not we'd become close would depend entirely on whether we have anything in common. I have not a damn thing in common with the sibs I do have, so we're not friends or anything and don't go out of our way to talk or hang out aside from winter holidays, where we do family stuff mostly for the sake of my mom. I don't dislike my sister, and do honestly enjoy our once-a-year snowmobile outing, but we're really not involved in each others' lives because I really don't grok what she's into and she doesn't grok what I'm into. We have basically nothing to talk about, so a once-a-year conversation to catch up on each others' news that we don't grok pretty much covers it. We're not friends by any means, and if we hadn't grown up together I doubt we'd be in touch at all. I don't even think she realizes I'm pagan, despite the fact that it's never been a secret, ever. Funny story: in high school (ehr, ME in high school, she's older), she asked me to be my nephew's godmother; given that I'd been begging Mom for years to let me stay home from church on Sundays, to no avail, I figured that everyone knew I wasn't interested in Catholicism, and that this was a token honor. It wasn't til several years later that Mom and my sis mentioned in passing that this nephew's godfather was not religious, but it was okay because you really only need one of the godparents to be Catholic. I was speechless. :eek:

So if this person shows up all wanting to be best buds evar, I'd just tell them to slow down and see if we have any cause for being best buds, first. I'd certainly talk to them, but wouldn't commit myself to anything beyond that, unless and until it was evident that we get on like gangbusters. If they fit within my circle of friends/chosen family, of course they're welcome, as anyone would be. If not, I'd certainly wish them well, but wouldn't go out of my way to keep up contact or anything. I don't see the point in chasing after awkward conversations. My chosen family has nothing to do with genetics.

This is actually pretty similar to a cousin I met in adulthood. We had dinner with my aunt and uncle, and this cousin's parents who are (I believe) my uncle's cousin and his wife. It was pleasant enough; they were in town on vacation and had come to see a show I was in. My cousin lives only a couple miles away from me, and we're Facebook friends, but we've had very few conversations since then. I don't believe we've seen each other in person since then, either; I invited him to a few things where he said he'd maybe show up and didn't (pet peeve of mine); so eventually I just didn't bother anymore. We don't dislike each other or anything, but he's not really on my radar, and I doubt if I'm really on his.

Kaio
02-20-2013, 12:11 AM
Oh, goddammit. Another zombie thread? Sigh.

peedin
02-20-2013, 09:13 AM
I probably wouldn't be interested in developing a relationship based on the fact that we were related. My parents are dead. I don't talk to my brothers (they are addicts with mental health problems). I'm relatively close to my sister. I've spent years dealing with family issues and have finally accepted the situation and am content with it. I don't want any additional people to upset the balance. I do not believe that blood is thicker than water, or that you have to love someone because they are family.

I would be interested in developing a relationship if I liked the person. Not just because we were related.

TriPolar
02-20-2013, 09:22 AM
If I met a sibling I didn't know existed it would confirm my suspicion that there was a mix-up at the hospital when I was born.

One of my sons is adopted, and we know that there is the possibility of him having half-siblings that we are unaware of. We know of half-siblings born to his bio mother, however the identity of his biological father is unclear, and the evidence indicates he has several more half-sibs out there somewhere.

terentii
02-20-2013, 11:39 AM
I know for sure that I have at least one sibling out there. If he or she is still alive, he or she would have been born out of wedlock in or around Chicago sometime in the first quarter of 1947 (probably in March). The mother's name was, IIRC, Patty. I would be VERY interested in getting to know him/her, just to satisfy my curiosity if nothing else.

Back in the '80s, I was shocked to learn there was someone else about my age with my name (it's not a common one) living in the Twin Cities. I called him one day to ask if he knew both his parents, etc., etc., but it didn't sound as though we were somehow related (though I wonder about it to this day).

terentii
02-20-2013, 11:47 AM
My own daughter, BTW, has a half-sister 15 years her senior who chooses not to communicate with us any more. This is incredibly sad because they have SO much in common, it's scary. While we would never deliberately intrude into her present life, we both very much hope that someday she'll come around and reestablish a relationship with us.

rhubarbarin
02-20-2013, 01:19 PM
I would absolutely want to be part of their life! I'd be completely shocked, though, from what I know of my parents.

No one in my family knew that my favorite cousin existed until I was about 11. We immediately welcomed her into our family, she's great.

phouka
02-20-2013, 02:24 PM
I have half-siblings from my father's first marriage. They are very nice people, and I enjoy spending time with them, but . . . it's not the same as my brothers, and there have been a couple of times when I've felt snubbed. However, I've known about them and visited with them since I was a little girl.

If a brand new sibling suddenly showed up, it would almost certainly be on my father's side. He was divorced for at least a couple of years between his first wife and marrying my mom, and he was not a monk. If he'd known, I'm sure the rest of us would to, as he was scrupulous about paying child support.

And if that person existed, I would want to get to know them. I'm not guaranteeing that we'd be close - I have cousins I almost never speak to, not because of enmity but more disinterest - but I'd certainly be open to the chance.

Zulema
02-22-2013, 12:01 AM
My mother found out she had a full brother who was 3 years younger than her when she was 70 and he was 67. At first she was excited but then I think it made her depressed.

How it happened was a very sad story and we could see how giving the baby up made my grandmother who she was. It was like giving up the baby for adoption ruined my grandma for being a good mother which ruined my mom's ability to be a good mother. Then we could all see what a great life he had. So many messed up generations because in the 1930's people were cruel about certain things and talked my grandma into giving up the baby.

It was fun meeting everyone but I feel no connection to them. It just breaks my heart to think about the whole situation. He knew about my mom for his whole life but I don't know why he didn't find her earlier. It's strange because when I was in grade school he worked 2 blocks from my house and we didn't live in my mom's home town.

kiz
02-22-2013, 07:31 AM
My husband is adopted. When he was in college, his biological father found him. They met a couple of times, and during one of those times bio dad told him he'd also found his bio mom..and that my husband has a full-blooded sister born a couple of years after him (bio mom and dad got back together after my husband was put up for adoption, then broke up again --bio dad didn't know bio mom was pregnant, supposedly. Bio mom chose to keep the sister.)

Anyway, my husband eventually did meet his bio sister and mother, although not at the same time. The sister lives near us and have 5 sons. She decided not to have anything to do with my husband because "it was just too weird". His bio mother wished him well and didn't want to discuss anything further.

Physically my husband takes after his bio dad. They also have some of the same quirks. It's very bizarre comparing them They have mostly a phone relationship even though bio dad doesn't live very far from us.