Jobs you couldn't do

[Weirddave]

Now, I'm not talking about jobs you can't do because you don't have the ability, like being the QB of an NFL team, but rather jobs that you are perfectly capable of doing that you just couldn't do. For me it would be being a Humane Society Cruelty Investigator. I see these guys on Animal Cops every night at 10 on Animal Planet and I just shake my head. I know, I KNOW that if I had that job by day 3 I'd be carrying a gun, and before a week went by I'd have emptied the clip into someone's chest, reloaded, and emptied it again (maybe the guy who hit his puppy in the face with a sledgehammer, or the gal who left her dog chained outside in the snow to starve to death). I. Just. Couldn't. Do. That. Job.

What jobs would you be unable to do?

[Lobsang]

Alligator Dentist.

[Ol'Gaffer]

Lieu's plumber.

[Master Wang-Ka]

Any kind of police work involving sex crimes, particularly involving children.

Headline: COP GOES BERSERK, SLAYS SUSPECTS...

[manhattan]

Public defender. It's an honorable profession and I'm glad people do it, but personally I know I'd end up saying things to juries like, "EVEN IF THE DEFENDANT TOTALLY REALLY DID IT, you have to believe that beyond a reasonable doubt. And of course you can't even consider the gun found in his backpack, because I got that search exclud-- uh, oops."

[fishbicycle]

I don't have whatever it takes to be a doctor or a police officer or fireman, or a welfare case worker, or a child protective services investigator. I could not deal with a job where I constantly witnessed death or near-death, or the gross mistreatment of people by those closest to them, or the worst elements of society day in, day out. I wouldn't know how to deal with the heartbreak. It would make me a basket case.

[Sevo]

Child protective services, for the same reasons Weirddave enumerates. I have a friend who works for CPS in Southern California and the stories she tells me give me the creeps. E.g.:

"No, your daughter may not sit on your lap during supervised visits, because you sexually molested her, you degenerate a$$ho1e." (italics mine).

My headline would read something more like: SOCIAL WORKER BEATS AREA MAN TO DEATH WITH HAMMER, MUTILATES BODY. Related headline: NOVEL PROFANITIES OVERHEARD DURING MURDER.

[The Great Sun Jester]

I couldn't "express" stud animals.

I couldn't work in a slaughterhouse.

[Sunspace]

Things I couldn't do...

Dentistry. Surgeon. Anything to do with the squishy bits inside the body, espcially when they are revealed in inappropriate ways, such as through a chest wound.

Any job that rquires sustained compassion for The Other. It's not that I don't want to, mind you, but I'm not sure I'm capable of it without either disconnecting or breaking down. (Okay, maybe that doesn't quite fit the OP.)

Sorry.

[pepperlandgirl]

Every job listed in this thread.

And also, house keeping in a hotel. I actually did that for a short time with my mom and never again. People are animals...

[The Great Sun Jester]

eeew...forgot about hotels. I had a friend who did that--he (yes, HE) said he just couldn't feel "clean" no matter how long he showered after work.

[Sat on Cookie]

I could never work in a nursing home. My heart breaks just *thinking* about elderly residents either having no one to come and visit them or the family who can't be bothered to visit enough. Forget about any type of abusive environment -- I'd lose it.

[fluiddruid]

Unless I was starving to death, telemarketer and car salesman spring to mind.

[Manda JO]

Check-cashing place or car title loan place. Hey, I don't doubt they serve a legitimate function, but dealing all day with people at the desperate end of their finacial rope would drive me batty.

Honestly, now that I teach, I also can't imagene any job where I don't get 10 weeks off in the summer and 2 at Christmas. I like 60 hours/week for 40 weeks much better than 50 hours/week for 50 weeks!

[Rubystreak]

Mortician
Coroner
Homicide detective
Butcher
Slaughterhouse worker
Sanitation worker
Anyone who has to clean toilets in bus stations
ER doctor

[Dark Side of the Floyd]

Children's Hospital
Nursing Home

[Guinastasia]

As others said, anything involving abused children or animals. I'd end up either killing someone or killing myself because I'd be doing nothing but crying.

I couldn't do anything that involved being around a lot of gross bodily fluids-shit, puke, blood, piss. My gag reflex is such that smells-especially shit-causes me choke and almost vomit.

[glee]

Unless I was starving to death, telemarketer and car salesman spring to mind.

I would rather starve to death than be a telemarketer.

[vivalostwages]

Anything related to CPS.

Butchering/Slaughtering/Euthanizing animals.

The other stuff I could probably handle, more or less, but it would depend on the degree.
The dead don't bother me; I've done caregiving for old folks--though not to the extent that it is done in nursing homes, so maybe that one wouldn't work out; I've cleaned out high school lockers in the dead of summer when ancient sammiches and not-so-ancient bugs came spewing out of them, so I could handle some, if not all, cleaning jobs.

I dislike selling things, but I could do it if I had to.

[Tuckerfan]

Besides the jobs mentioned so far, you know those lightbulbs at the tops of tall buildings and broadcast antennas? Somebody's gotta change 'em, and it ain't me.

[elfkin477]

Nothing in the field of medicine. Except maybe pathology. I'd be terrified of doing something that'd hurt or even kill a patient, but I guess I wouldn't fear that working with those who are already dead.

[Muffin]

Public defender. It's an honorable profession and I'm glad people do it, but personally I know I'd end up saying things to juries like, "EVEN IF THE DEFENDANT TOTALLY REALLY DID IT, you have to believe that beyond a reasonable doubt. And of course you can't even consider the gun found in his backpack, because I got that search exclud-- uh, oops."Been there, done that. I was defence co-counsel in an appeal of a triple murder that turned on a technical exclusion of a gun in a backpack. Glad to be out of that area.

[cornflakes]

Higher end customer service. I'd be about as successful at it as Tom Waits, Kinky Friedman or Warren Zevon would, and for much the same reasons (excepting Zevon, of course, but you get the idea.)

[Shakes]

A BARTENDER!!

Now don't get me wrong, drinking is on of my favorite past times. But drunk people are the most annoying people in the world. Constantly repeating themselves is what drives me batty.

It's funny when I'm hanging with my friends and we're ALL drinking; they're some of the funnest people to be around. But when I'm sober and they're drunk; look out!

It's like "Yeah, John! You just told me that story five minutes ago! I don't need to hear it again!! for the fifth time" (then they proceed to tell you the story anyway :rolleyes: )

And yes, to be fair; I'm no exception.

[Abbie Carmichael]

Welfare case worker. The ones around here don't get paid peanuts and it's such a pointless, frustrating job. Ditto for CPS.

I couldn't handle working with battered women, either. I'd alternate between wanting to smack some sense into them and hunting down their abusers.

Forensics stuff. No murder victims, thanks.

I could never be a pastor/preacher, or the wife of one. I think it's one of the hardest jobs in the world, but definitely something you've gotta be called to do, and I'm not.

[dwc1970]

Policeman- Too risky, plus being exposed to the worst in humanity on a daily basis would turn me into a basket case within a month, if not sooner.

Telemarketer- Taking such a job would go against my very principles. I could not possibly take a job where, in the very course of my job, I knew I was seriously pissing off just about everyone I talked to. Seriously, I'd rather go on welfare first.

Electrical lineworker- Heights + electrocution hazards = too risky.

Slaughterhouse worker- The stories a coworker has told me about his days at such a job make me glad I have a college education.

Road construction flagger- Too hot in the summer, and I'm sure these people get more than their fair share of rudeness from irritated and frustrated drivers who think THEY are the ones to blame for the delays.

Lifeguard- Again, too hot, plus nobody would want to see my hairy, flabby physique.

The person who has to put animals down at the animal shelter- As a cat lover especially, this job would be impossible to do without breaking down into tears (and I'm a guy).

Social worker- I'll leave it to someone else to deal with dysfunctional families and broken homes and the reasons that create such conditions. I'd have a hard time taking one's kids away from the parents, however dispicable they are. I'd only feel bad for the kids, of course.

School teacher- I do not have the patience to deal with unruly children. Teachers also have to put up with a lot of asshole parents.

[Kythereia]

If I were investigating sex crimes on children, day in, day out, I think I really would go insane. I could not do it, never. That kind of thing just chills me to think about it.

Dealing with the criminally insane. I'd lose my own mind.

Anything to do with planes or flying--sorry, mate, my feet stay right here on the ground, thanks.

Anything to do with dead bodies. Please, no.

[TheLoadedDog]

I read this thread thinking that all the ones I'd mention had already been posted, and so I gave up and went over to GQ.. Then I found the Milking the Prostate - TMI (http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=293124) thread.

From said thread, comes this:

I have heard (sorry no cite) that the prostate can be stimulated by pressing against the wall of the rectum. I also know that they use this technique to masturbate elephants to get semen samples, but I'm not too sure about the details.


No further questions, Your Honour. I am NOT shoving my arm up an elephant's arse to enhance its masturbatory experience.

Do I win? :D

[CrazyCatLady]

Mortician. I wouldn't mind working with dead bodies (people corpses shouldn't be all that different from critter corpses, and I deal with those all the time), but the families would get to me. I just couldn't work all close up with that much heartache and grief all the time. It's hard enough dealing with a few griefstricken pet owners a week.

Most of the jobs listed here, though, wouldn't bother me. Blood, guts, gore, rectal probes, euthanasia--been there, done that. It's not so bad, really. You develop a balance between callousness and caring that lets you get on with the job most of the time. And then every now and again you come home and have a good cry.

[Essured]

Telemarketer
Social worker
Counsellor
Welfare Officer
Psychiatrist
Pyschologist
Childcare worker
School Teacher (under 16 year olds)

Basically, anything that involves aggressive/initiated sales techniques, children or dealing with people with entitlement issues or emotional/mental problems.

Blood, guts and gore don't really bother me.

And, as TLD said, jerking off wildlife would probably be a no-go, simply because it would ruin my social life. "So, what do you do for a crust?" "Ummm, actually I masturbate penguins..." :eek:

[Dunderman]

Anything where I have to deal with demented people, deranged people, drunk people, stoned people, and so forth.

And also, house keeping in a hotel. I actually did that for a short time with my mom and never again. People are animals...
Let's hear some horror stories. I've lived in plenty of hotels and have always been impressed with the great quality of the cleaning (I've also never left anything worse than a wet towel and an unmade bed in my wake).

[Ranchoth]

Sunday School Teacher.
Non-Keyframe Animator.
Retail. (I can do it. I've done it. And I'm done with it.)
Activist. (Conservative, Liberal, or whatever.)
Anything involving bodily waste.
Worker at that "Hot Dog on a Stick" place at the mall. (Two guesses why)
Anything with animals. (I've had my damn fill of it.)

[Trunk]

Fluffer (http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=fluffer&r=f)

[Go You Big Red Fire Engine]

I work in a nursing home, used to work for a motel (and loved it) and am planning to go into medicine.

However, I do not think I could be a check out chick.

[ShibbOleth]

Things I couldn't do...

Dentistry. Surgeon. Anything to do with the squishy bits inside the body, espcially when they are revealed in inappropriate ways, such as through a chest wound.



I'm going to second that one. I can deal with these situations when I absolutely have to, but I got a bit queasy feeling the other day just listening to a report on a kidney transplant on the radio. I don't understand how people can watch those television shows about surgeries and such. I'd probably pass out.

[pullin]

Film editor for one of those fishing shows (Roland Martin, etc.). Somewhere, some poor schmuck has to watch hours and hours of film, and edit out the parts that are even MORE boring that what we see on the TV.

Imagine it; Spending your entire workweek watching film of some guy on a bass boat, fishing.

Egads.

[Miabella]

My sister-in-law, who is graduating from veterinary school in May, had a job doing research for the Red Cross for a couple years between college and vet school. They were testing some sort of arterial bandage on rabbits. Her job was 1) anesthesize rabbit 2) cut open rabbit's chest 3) make a cut in an artery and apply bandage 3) record findings 4) euthanize rabbit 5) lather, rinse, repeat.

Each one took about an hour, so she went through about 8 rabbits per day. Now, I am not opposed to animal testing, as long as it's done in a humane fashion as this was. However, I have a hard enough time getting out of bed to do my little desk job, I just don't think I could get up everyday and be the Bunny Angel of Death.

[Dangerosa]

pediatric onocologist. Must be the worlds most depressing job.

[TastesLikeBurning]

C'mon people, nobody here has mentioned Parking Inspector?!?

What kind of sick and twisted individuals are you, that you'd be willing to steal the oxygen needed to sustain the life of such a creature?

[kelly5078]

Executive, or any sort of upper manager. I just don't friggin' care enough.

[TastesLikeBurning]

C'mon people, nobody here has mentioned Parking Inspector?!?

What kind of sick and twisted individuals are you, that you'd willingly subject those close to you to the shame that comes with being related to such a slight on humanity?

[TastesLikeBurning]

Damn you deceptive stop button!! :smack:

[plnnr]

pediatric onocologist. Must be the worlds most depressing job.

My former neighbor was a pediatric oncology nurse and said that while most of the cases were heart-breakingly sad, every once in a while there was a real success story and that made up for all the bad days. I couldn't do the job.

I saw a episode of Discovery a couple months ago and it followed a man who dives in the sewers of some huge East Asian city working on pipes, unclogging connections, etc. I could do a lot of things before I donned a diving suit and went into the sewer.

[Bear_Nenno]

C'mon people, nobody here has mentioned Parking Inspector?!?

he he

Any kind of police work involving sex crimes, particularly involving children.This was actually my career goal and part of my 10 year plan before I decided to put things on hold and join the Army. Listening to the detectives at the academy had me convinced that there was no better thing I could do with my life than investigate "Persons Crimes"-- rape, homocide, and child abuse.

Dentistry. Surgeon. Anything to do with the squishy bits inside the body, espcially when they are revealed in inappropriate ways, such as through a chest wound. Let's see... been taught to pull teeth, just haven't yet had the pleasure. Squishy bits? Chest wounds? Been there, done that.

Rubystreak:
Mortician or Coroner -- I actually applied as a Diener (http://dictionary.reference.com/search?r=2&q=diener) for the County Coroners office, for a part-time job. Apparantly, it's a HARD job to get into. There's like almost a zero turnover rate. So people really must love it.
Homicide detective -- Covered that.
Butcher -- I agree.
Slaughterhouse worker -- Yup. I'd hate my life.
Sanitation worker -- Agreed.
Anyone who has to clean toilets in bus stations -- LOL. Picture a kid in 1st grade saying this is what he wants to be when he grows up.
ER doctor -- Been there. Well, not as a doctor... but I just can't get enough of the ER environment. I freaking love it! It didn't take too many intubations or chest tubes to figure out that I didn't want to investigate Child Abuse and homocides anymore. . .

I would rather starve to death than be a telemarketer.
Couldn't agree with you more!!! In college, some telemarketing company was advertising like "11 bucks an hour plus commission" in the campus paper. I couldn't pass that up, right? I showed up, and they put me to work almost immediately. It was the shadiest bunch of bullshit I had ever seen. We were selling those damn Orlando/Carribean vacations and trying to convince the person they had WON the fucking thing.
I simply could NOT do it. After a couple hours, I actually felt dirty. After calling like a dozen or so people, I just got up and left. I could never be that dishonest to people, every freaking day of my life. It's takes a special piece of shit to be a telemarketer.

vivalostwages:
Euthanizing animals-- I've done dozens.

Tuckerfan Besides the jobs mentioned so far, you know those lightbulbs at the tops of tall buildings and broadcast antennas? Somebody's gotta change 'em, and it ain't me. Man, I would love that job provided I was allowed to BASE jump from the tower after changing the bulb. That would kick ass.

dwc1970
Policeman-- I think I covered this one already. Never swore in. I finished the academy, did two seperate internships, but I joined the Army before i was hired by an agency.

Telemarketer-- I'm pretty sure I could handle the "pissing everyone" off part. It's the out-right dirty lying to innocent people that I couldn't handle. I just couldn't live with myself if I did that.

Electrical lineworker-- I think the 'hazard to boredom' ratio is too low for me. I couldn't do something that dangerous if it was that freaking boring.

Slaughterhouse worker-- Something about just not feeling like I was contributing anything to this world would make me go insane. Period. (No wonder I'm starting to go nuts)

Road construction flagger- Provided you're talking about someone who ONLY does this, and isn't actually a construction worker, then see above.

Lifeguard- Man, what an awesome job. C'mon, too hot?? What's that mean??? That's what the water's there for. But I agree that "nobody would want to see my hairy, flabby physique."

The person who has to put animals down at the animal shelter--I don't know. I'm not sure if I could do this job. I've euthenized pleanty of animals, but there was a greater purpose involved with that. I'd hate to have to just euthenize a healthy animal simply because she didn't have a home.

Social worker-- I agree. And social workers can NEVER be right. If the remove a child, then they are evil bastards. If they don't, then the child ends up hurt or dead and it gets all over the News... that sucks.

School teacher--Been there, done that. Well, I subbed. I actually really liked it. And it's comforting to know that if I was ever seriously injured, there's a decent job out there that I would enjoy doing. Teaching was a lot of fun and rewarding. It's just not want I want to do with my life.


As for me.... hmmmm.
Most Dopers will probably disagree with me, but I would have to add any job where I was couped up in a cubicle all day doing some tedious crap on a computer. Like on Office Space. God I could NEVER, EVER, EVER work in that kind of environment.

[rjung]

I work in a nursing home, used to work for a motel (and loved it) and am planning to go into medicine.

However, I do not think I could be a check out chick.
What's a check out chick?

[Essured]

rjung, "check-out chick" is slang for the supermarket cash register operator. They 'check out' your items, and they are usually female ('chicks').

I paid my way through my first two years of uni as a check-out chick. It's not that bad. Boring as hell, and you cultivate a healthy disrespect for the general public, but I didn't find it soul destroying or repulsive (IMO).

[Sevo]

Whoa...I just realized I glossed over the last job on earth I could do. A job so horrible scuba-gear sewer diving would be blessed relief. A job so despicable masturbating penguins and stimulating elephant prostates would seem like a day at the zoo [sic!]. A position so...degrading, that so exposes you to the inbred, half-sentient life forms that pass for human beings that one hour there makes you want to wash for a week and never go out again.

I could not work at the DMV.

[picker]

No cubicles. No dress code, beyond nice, clean clothes.
No corporate offices, or anything requires a corporate mindset.
No retail.
No job that values the ability to deal with boredom more than the ability to think critically.
No job that requires dealing with the general public except on my own terms.
No job that is the same sh*t, day in and day out.
No job that mandates set office hours, or that I get up early.
No job that requires me to interact with others unless I feel like it.

Wow, I just realized that if my company goes under, I'm screwed. This self-employment thing has made me well nigh unemployable anywhere else.

[Miller]

Wet nurse.

[CanvasShoes]

I could never work in a nursing home. My heart breaks just *thinking* about elderly residents either having no one to come and visit them or the family who can't be bothered to visit enough. Forget about any type of abusive environment -- I'd lose it.
Oh lord, I did do that when I was about 18, and did "lose it" several times. The lack of visitors wasn't the worst, by FAR, thing that happened to them. Being older, there are many sanitary care issues which have to be done, lest they (especially the women) suffer yeast infections and such. THAT was heartbreaking, I can't even describe how sad it was.

Even as a shallow 18 year old, the taking away of their basic dignity in this way was so sad, it FAR overrode any "gross out" factor that might have been present.

The one I worked in was a long term care facility, so it didn't just have older people, but severely brain-damaged people as well.

Sigh...

I would NEVER do that again. I completely agree with the posts on children's services and pet cruelty officers as well. I'd end up a mass murderer if I worked even a shift for those jobs. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

[hlanelee]

I once took a job as a telephone collections guy. It was for some health spa and a scam. I hated telling some 19 year old girl that she should read things she signs and I'm going to ruin your credit and you'll never buy a house.

I remember this summer when my wife died, I was in the room in ICU and the nurse was there and something happened. He said casually, "it's going to happen any time now, Mr. Lee", and then the line on the monitor went flat a few minutes later and he said, "It's over Mr. Lee." How he could have done it for as long as it must have taken for him to learn the signs is beyond me. I would have hung myself by now.

[Cartooniverse]

I trained as an ambulance dispatcher. It was a disaster. I have some filtering and attention problems and if I hear a lot of overlapping sounds at once I have no ability to filter them out.

It was a disaster !! I wanted it very badly, but it was a wreck. Ahh well. One cannot do everything.

Cartooniverse

[Cardinal]

People have said some pretty good ones, but the ones that really get my attention are the ones that are just so boring.

Walking through a parking garage in a nice town as a security guard. No one to talk to, nothing to read, your feet hurt at the end of every day...

[Graycat]

Absolutely agree with geriatric or long-term care. I dropped out of nursing school (I wanted to be a midwife) because I could not handle the geriatrics rotation.

I could not be a school bus driver. Driving something that size would be hard on its own, but I couldn't do it at ll unless there were at least two other adults on board keeping the little darlings in their seats and not beating one another up.

[Silentgoldfish]

Every time I go to a fast food joint I thank god that I've never had to work at one.

FWIW I'm a nurses aide/orderly so yes, I think wiping bums is better than flipping burgers!