Do I need sympathy or just a (holy)ghost writer for my inevitable acceptance speech?

[faithfool]

Some background: My mother and I used to be close, until I was around 13 or so and began to, hopefully, think for myself. Needless to say, Shitler (a cross between Sybil of the multiple-personality fame and Hitler, obviously) doesn't take well to her minions not marching in goose step, so a chasm began to form. Over time, it widen to the point of almost zilch communication within the past year plus for a variety of reasons, all on my end. Add to that our completely exact opposite beliefs on everything, especially what's deemed important, and her views on my life's problems.... IE: my mental illness is all "just an act because I'm lazy, an attention whore, don't wanna work, am a good actress, etc., etc." and how I handle them. The last straw came when she decided that I had no right to deal with ending my marriage on my own. I'd had it and I've basically not looked back since then.

Of course, at that point, I really didn't think she could stoop any lower than what occurred then. Her asking if I'd be willing to take a DNA test to *prove* that I must have been switched at birth and not really hers. Fine. As long as she pays. :p

Anyway, what little interaction we've had in the interim has been on my terms. Finally. And in the spirit of Christmas, I felt we should somewhat bury the hatchet (someplace other than our skulls) and aim for tolerance through the end of the year. This is where I made my mistake. :mad: In the midst of much of her usual bitching and griping, I got subjected to her armchair psychology and analysis, proselytization, and plenty of rebukes, demands and exasperation. Which all was pretty much expected and rolled right off my back since it was coming from the Manson family matriarch and her lackey(s).

But I really should have seen more coming. I mean, there is NO way that this woman would've been content just letting me be quasi-punished. I haven't suffered enough or as deeply as I should. So, after being told I'm (and these are all direct quotes) "homely," "food is [I]not my friend," "a slut," "a liar and cheat," and "no way possibly her daughter," what else is/was there?

Well, my friends, believe it or not, there are depths yet to be explored. 'Cause I was unbelievably wrong. She found it too. In her version of Christian fundamentalism, where she'd make Falwell look sane, she's come up with this scenario after the past four :eek: years (and has shared this opinion with my ex-youth minister who presided over my wedding vows)....

Drum roll please!

I am....

Are you ready for this? (Trust me, you can't possibly be.)

::: sigh :::

I don't really know if I can post this after all, it's so fucking embarrassing that someone who's living in the 21st century can think such a thing realistically. So, here goes anyway.






::: deep breath :::





Do NOT laugh (very much -- please) at the gravity of what I'm about to say. Although, that may be the only normal recourse.





::: dons tomato (and holy water?) proof suit :::







I am DEMON POSSESSED!


Yes, you read that right and here, first! :rolleyes: Now. What. The. Ever. Loving. Bloody. Hell!?!!? I understand she believes I'm headed straight for the firey pits in an express handbasket. I get that this is very real to her despite *any* circumstances. That must be the root of my mental health problems and everything else. I also don't honestly give a shit and feel her ideas are about on par with the TimeCube person or that guy who's trying to take over the internet. Have I mentioned that Michael Jackson makes more sense? Regardless of how I view this, it's so incredibly disappointing, demoralizing and disheartening (all those D words) that I had to vent about it here. It's not that it truly matters. I could be a perfect mirror image of her and it still wouldn't be good enough. But to think someone would stoop *this* low to degrade, hurt and manipulate their only child is kind of enraging. Though since she no longer has any sort of hold on me, I suppose this is as good as the frantic can give.


Unreal. :(

So, to end up my rant, what things in the future can I say to her to solely amuse myself? I've already taken to calling my otherworldly hitchhiker/overlord "Bob." I mention bringing him to dinner. :D What else? Like my title implies, if I should strive for higher up the evil ladder, what should I include on my platform? How to go about funding, running mates and brainstorming for my inevitable win? Is a 666 tattoo under my hair necessary? Where are my horsemen? Help! I'm sure there's so much more to know before I rule this mortal coil and I grasp that having Captain Howdy just now aboard (or unawares, over the past four years) won't past muster on breaking me into the proper black arts ropes. Any guidance will be appreciated in the forms of the sexual deviants of your choice. No use handing over the inexperienced to the devout, IMHO. The chosen deserve infinitely better. :D

I'm looking for guidance. If you're up to it, I'm sure in my future world order, I can make you a star. Just tell me which vice is your pleasure and what you can do for *me* first.

Thank you.

~not just your ordinary aspiring antichrist

P.S. Gah. This would be so much funnier if I didn't know the weight they place on this accusation, but damn, it's not like I can buy a test at Wal*Mart to prove that I'm not a female Damian. What an untenable situation and my mother, one of the most foul wastes of flesh to ever grace the universe. Would calling her a bitch be vitriol enough? Or does this require something much more damning?? However, I refuse to weep. It's her morality in question over this particular judgment, not mine. No sir, no weeping here. EVER.

Over loud speaker:

< Lois! Price check on the Satanic Influences Kit on Isle 5. Yes, the ones on clearance. ::: pause ::: The one that has a red strip for positive and a picture of Tom Arnold on the box. >

Thanks hon. That'll be 7.96 with tax. Guess getting up to a little 'devilment' is really cheap these days! HAW. HAW. HAW.

::: cracks gum :::

I slink out with my pointy tale tucked between my legs and ready for another viewing of that movie with Pacino as a lawyer. Gotta prepare.

::: hums :::

"Please allow me to introduce myself. I’m a (wo)man of wealth and taste...."

Yep. If I'm made the next big boss, I gotta make those Stones boys *the* in-house band! I love sychophants. Therefore, who wants to sign up next? A little blood is all I'll ever need. Bwahahahaha. Excuse me, I have contracts to tend to. Come Keanu.

[LifeOnWry]

I dunno about demon possessed, but your handling of this in the OP is funny as hell.

I don't mean to cast aspersions, but your mom sounds... well, kinda nutso.

[faithfool]

I dunno about demon possessed, but your handling of this in the OP is funny as hell.

I don't mean to cast aspersions, but your mom sounds... well, kinda nutso.

Bolding mine.

I see that my first spell is working! I'll have to pay double to Madame LaRue for ensuring my nefarious bywords now enter the lexicon in an accepted and uproariously profane manner. Young grasshopper, you have observed and done well. :D

Of course, my mother is a freakin' loon. You nailed it right on the head. However, I can't do anything about that at all. She's one of those folks who chants that she's more sane than any *other* Pharisee.

You have to love that logic. And if I could only put it to good use, I'm sure I could convince her to sell some fire places for our future dwelling together. Ya know, the one she is positive she will NOT be at. Only watching from her fluffy, safe, holier-than-thou, #9 perch.

Now, thank you for visiting Lucifer Unlimited. Please enjoy your eternal stay. Complimentary continental happy hour included. Shitty beer only. Voodoo atmosphere optional. Void in east Texas. (She already has a monopoly!)

[biddee]

My coworkers are looking at me funny coz I'm convulsing with laughter. Your mother sounds like a real trip! If I were you I'd be praying that I was switched at birth!

And good luck with that demon thing...did you ever see Little Nicky? Can I be the dog?

[biddee]

Make that the HELLHOUND!

[supervenusfreak]

Make her some pea soup. Tell her it was Regan's favorite. ;)

[matt_mcl]

"She's got that kind of religious Tourette's syndrome. You know what I mean? We'll be having a normal conversation, and all of a sudden she's like 'YOU'RE GOING TO HELL!' The other day, she told me, 'You have Satan inside of you.' So I worked it. 'Mom? Could I please have some more turkey? I'm eating for two.' "

- Suzanne Westenhoefer

[faithfool]

biddee ~ Glad you're getting a kick out of my persecution. ;) I'll have to keep a closer eye on my spawn once I'm in power. I can't have any uprisings like have been rumored in the past. But I suppose if I'm indeed interviewing for position, Hellhound *would* be available. What are you qualifications? Do you ferry well? How much chow would you need? Write up a proposal and send it to yourfaithfoolmajesty@eternalruler.com and I promise to post results before the (hehehehe) second coming.

< makes note to get in touch with old friend Adam >

And dammit supervenusfreak! That was exactly one of my April Fools jokes that I had planned. A few special effects, Jolly Green Giant veggies and a crucifix or two would have my mother's head in a spin. ::: sob ::: Now you've ruined my creativity!! I suppose I'll just have to kill you then and banish you to.... um, whadaya dislike immensely? Since I'm a beginner to these things and all, a little guidance goes a long way to making a competent maniacle monster.

Let me know.

Then matt tries to still my thunder too. Have I not been clear enough on that punishment phase yet? Well buddy, lemme tell you, I do not suffer lightly those who've been running around in my wicked, bad-ass mind and stealing my ideas. Why I oughta.... um, again I'm at a loss. Hang on.

::: ponders :::

By george, I think I've got it! Whip you with wet macaroni and make you write bad checks. So, how ya like apples? Huh? HUH? I keep telling everyone not to mess with the Princess of Darkness. But do they ever listen? Noooooo.

Well, Bob and I are gonna hit the sack for the night and ponder why I don't look as good as Ms. Hurley (or even the "Oops, I Did It Again" chick) in a rubber one piece. No, I don't mean *that* kind of rubber! Of course, I might be convinced if the right suck up comes along.

I do mean that too. :D

I'll be accepting applications until noon on Friday, when surely my domination will begin after one of the most debauched eves of the year. (I tried to put dibs in on Mardi Gras, but that wag Nicholson had already called it. Ass. If he thinks I'm giving in that easily to someone who wears shades all the time, he's got another glare coming.) No faxes or resumes in pencil please. Messages can be left with my secretary, J. Rivers, and I promise ;) to get back to you when I'm not being dastardly with some grapes, nubile hot male singers like the guy from Three Doors Down and a timed version of Chutes and Ladders.

Don't ask. Unless you brought the Cool Whip. :D Then it's all good and I can hook you up with some phat A/C.

Chow for the night, my little misguided, but lowly darlings. I'll see you on the dark side of my moon. (Yes, *that* one.) Until tomorrow, dream of writhing and screaming and gratuity. Lots.

Wha? I'm only talking about "Sex and the City" reruns.

::: bestows many wild wishes in the very best of grooves :::

[Kythereia]

I gotta admire a gal who can make a real and troubling problem sound this freaking hilarious. You go, girl! *many smooches*

[threemae]

Oh my God, I wish that I wasn't trying to have this serious conversation over the phone with my girlfriend right now.

I don't want to offend you in this apparently rather serious time for you, but your writing is really top-notch. Umm, I hope it makes you feel better that your Lil' Demon Boddy has instilled you with some serious writing abilities.

[threemae]

Damnit, make that Buddy not Boddy.

[Homebrew]

Do you mind some commiseration? My mom is convinced homosexuaiity is caused by a Sex Demon. Therefore, since I am gay, I obviously have a demon that has lured me into that sinful life.

I also have a cousin who is a fundaloonie preacher. He has conducted demon expulsions in his church. In fact they claim he got a hole in his lung once from praying so hard and the demon damaged him when it left the girl's body.

If I didn't look so much like my dad, I'd suspect I was switched.

[DeVena]

Well what do you know about that! I'm demon possessed too! So declared by my mom when I was 17. Twenty years ago. I've named my demon Irving.

But you see Mom had her reasons. I read books, not just the Bible. And I never saw myself as the fat, ugly, slovenly pig that she took such pains to point out I was. And how dare I actually have a good self-esteem when she worked so hard to strip it from me! Emotional abuse: it's not just for breakfast anymore.

I spent years spending very little time around her. And I went away to college, where she couldn't rip me apart everyday. Whenever she'd start a tirade, I'd leave or hang up. Still do it. "Oh I've made you made now you're leaving." Exactly. Treat me better and I'll hang around longer.

So see!! We must be sisters!! In a demonic kind of way. :D

[Syntropy]

First: Damn, you made me laugh.
And, sorry about the whole family thing. Doesn't help when Mom gets everyone to gang up on you. After some of her more dire pronouncements you can always say:

"Mom. Your voice is annoying Bob. If you don't shut up right now, he is going to make me duct tape your mouth. Nothing I'll be able to do to stop him."

"What's that, Bob? I can throw this full glass of red wine in her face and Satan will reward me? Okey Dokey."

"Well, I'll tell you this much. Being a demon's sexual toy beats 3 minutes of missionary position with <insert ex husband's name here> ALL to Hell."

"Can I take your dog home with me? I can't find a goat, and it's my turn to host the monthly animal sacrifice."

[Incubus]

Wow, this makes all the silly issues I have with my mom pale in comparison. :p

Hey, at least she gave you a scapegoat. Something goes wrong? "The Demon did it." :D

[devilsknew]

This is kind of a funny idea to satisfy your Mother's dark suspicion and something that really happened to me the other day.
I was with my Mom and we had stopped at a convenience store. She got out of the car and was walking up to the door of the store and as an afterthought turned back to me and asked if I needed anything. I said "Yea, actually, get me some Grizzly Wintergreen!" (I dip tobacco, occasionally... I know, I know, it's a bad and disgusting habit.). She asks, "How many?". Now I'm not sure what happened here, it was entirely unintentional and I meant to hold up the standard three fingers, but I had a brain fart and my hand comes up into the Headbangers Salute/Sign Of The Devil and I say, "Three cans!". She didn't say anything and I don't even know if she noticed, but I brought my hand down quickly and was pretty embarrased ---I was thinking, WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT!!! I mean, it was like the wires got switched...it was three fingers alright, just the wrong three.

So, everytime you converse with your mother and say the word three you should twitch a little and compulsively throw up the sign o' the devil emphasizing the number three. Just be careful she doesn't hire a team of fundie exorcists to abduct you and deprogram you.

[OtakuLoki]

Oddly enough, I've got a good friend who'd sworn he heard a Demon talking to his ex-wife.

Normally he's not a complete nutter. Really.


In your shoes, faithfool, I'd be milking Bob for all he's worth, too. That is when I actually bothered to remember the woman at all.

Have you considered musical names? Since demons are supposedly without set form, maybe Bob has a different name for every day of the week? (And demons have an eight day week, yanno.)

Monday - Bob

Tuesday - Robert

Wednesday - Bobbie

Thursday - Robbie

Friday - Igor

Saturday - Spork (come on, we all knew they were named after demons, all along.)

Sunday - Joshua (If the broad has any brains she'll likely flip when she hears your demon is calling himself after the most probable Hebrew name of Christ. Alas, low probability event.)

Nultday - Irvine (Irving, after all, is someone else's shoulder demon.)

Then go back to Bob. It should drive her completely batshit nuts. (Short trip, I know, but still fun in its own way.)

Just an humble suggestion.

[Liberal]

Some years ago, from my limited experience, I had never understood how someone could not adore her mother. I adored mine, and every mother I had ever known was adored by her children. It was, of course, because they were good mothers. I always assumed that renegade kids like yourself were to blame somehow. Then I met my wife's mother. She is a bitter, contemptuous, recalcitrant woman who never smiles and who complains about everything. She is deeply bigoted against whole classes of people (despite being a Minnesota "liberal"). Her rudeness is surpassed only by her cluelessness.

Tell your mother that demons recognize other demons. You'll have yours call hers. They can do lunch.

[Moirai]

Maureen, that was so hysterical!

Nothing to add, just laughing my ass of at someone else's pain! ;)

[Syntropy]

Thank you, I'll be here all week.
No. Really. I hate it, but there it is. I won't be getting whisked off for some romantic dinnner. I won't be getting kissed at midnight. But that's another rant for another thread and I will just stop hijacking faithfool's thread because it's rude. Sorry.

[5que]

I like the plan. Just make sure you're not kidnapped and deprogrammed. Seriously, it could happen if Mom is so crazy.

I'd suggest getting a recording of Flip Wilson's "The Devil Made Me Do It" and call her up in the middle of the night and play it. On a loop.

[Celyn]

OH! Shouldn't laugh, really, but .............................. :)

5que has a point, - might your mad mother be likely to organise a whole team of similar nutcases to exoricise your "demon"? Scary.


That must have been particularly bad when you were , say 13- 17 or so, and still having to *live* with her. BLECH!

[Zabali_Clawbane]

There's some traveling evangelist (from Texas?) who "wages war against Hell" and believes people who are mentally ill are "demon possessed". (Among many others, including Pagans and Goths and people of "immoral" sexual orientation) Might you mother have somehow gotten herself into his clutches? Ah, a bit of a search, and I've found his name. Bob Larson (http://www.boblarson.org/) He's truly frightening.

[vibrotronica]

Friend faithful, as your demonstrated mastery of BULLDADA, your scorn for Pinks, your embrace of sexual deviency, and your correct identification of the otherworldly entity that you have been in contact with as "Bob", I have come to the conclusion that you are not, in fact, possessed by a demon as the Normals understand the term. Instead, you are a latent SubGenuis. Please report immediately for reprogramming. (http://www.subgenius.com/pam1/pamphlet_p1.html)

Quit your job. Slack off. Priase Motherfucking "Bob" (http://www.subgenius.com/) and pass the ammunition.

[Zabali_Clawbane]

Ah, I'll also add, that from the documentary I watched on him, he "detains" a person who is demon possessed with the family's blessing in order to "intervene" so be wary if she is involved with his ministries. To be fair, Mr. Larson did seem (IMO) to "browbeat" a person who was filmed (their "intervention" was shown as an example in the documentary) into accepting his help, but he spoke of people trying to get away during the course of an "intervention", and how he brought a lot of people to help prevent them.

[malkavia]

There's some traveling evangelist (from Texas?) who "wages war against Hell" and believes people who are mentally ill are "demon possessed". (Among many others, including Pagans and Goths and people of "immoral" sexual orientation) Might you mother have somehow gotten herself into his clutches? Ah, a bit of a search, and I've found his name. Bob Larson (http://www.boblarson.org/) He's truly frightening.


Hahaha. My mom raised me solely on Bob Larson and Jack Chick. Good Looooord, those two are nine steps beyond a freak fest. Bob Larson was convinced that Twisted Sister were satanists who made children kill their parents. My mom had a video of his called "Bob Larson's Primal Scream" where they SHOWED the whole Twisted Sister video like it was this incredibly sinister ritual being held on camera.

Seriously, a buncha guys in rouge and leggings... ooooooh, scary!

He also wrote a book called Bob Larson's Book of Cults which I believe that EVERYONE should read at least once. He lists Buddhists, Muslims and *wait for it* karate as cults. :smack:

I too have been accused of having demons attached to me, particularly the year that my sister and I decided to host a Samhain celebration (Ahh, teenagerdom) and my mom found out. She called me at a friends house CRYING HYSTERICALLY and insisting that I not be allowed in her house with this spirit about me.

...

She's mellowed out alot though. I think that even people who are wrapped up in dangerous cults like Homebrew's mom, the OP's mom and my own dearest mother should at least have the decency to realize that losing your child altogether is not better than continuously misguided attempts to "save" them.

If the OP's mother can't let go of her cult leanings long enough to embrace her child, eff her. She's no better than an Islamic radical/terrorist at heart. (And don't tell me it's an unfair comparison... Every fundie that extreme that I've ever met was completely okay with God destroying Sodom and with Abraham attempting to slay his own son for God. Sick, sick.)

I'm sorry that your holidays turned out that way, faithfool. :(

[faithfool]

::: comes running and panting into thread, dragging Bob behind her :::

Hurry up man! BOB!! They're waiting!

::: Bob lags near and whispers in my ear (see! our mothers *are* right!) :::

Ooops. Sorry. Bob's Christian :D name is actually Roberto and would henceforth like to be regarded as such. Again, humblest apologies sir. 'Cause you have proven right fun to hang out with over the last week. Well, at least since I've known you were here. Before that, meh. It's anyone's guess.

To make up for my many indiscretions, I'm going to let him field the replies since last night.

::: steps away from podium and lets Roberto have the mic :::

"How is everyone this fine day?"

::: waits patiently for noise to die down, cell phones to be turned off and the lady in the 5th row to quit picking her nose -- yes, ma'am, you :::

"Ok, so where were we? First of all, as the dapper emissary that I am, I'd like to thank all of you for attending our little occult gathering. Before you leave, please make sure to pick up your goodie baskets of glow-in-the-dark pentagram necklaces, Eye of Newt designer knock-off spray and some lick-on tattoos for the kids that say.... If it's alright with Roberto and faithfool, it's alright by me!"

"Now, on to our lovely and intelligent respondents."

Kythereia: Anyone interested in handing out smooches will definitely see their rewards *here*. So, what would you like? Just fill out that form in triplicate, notarize it with The Worm over there (What? Surely no one believed the explanation in MiB!) and turn it in before the next .76 full moon while dancing naked with Snoopy. We'll get you fixed right up. Keep on laughin' too sister. Wonder who'll get the last one in after all? ;)

threemae: It's perfectly acceptable to bring others into the fold. Just don't let your girlfriend know how cool we are or we'll have another stampede on the '2 for 1' sale of deviled eggs. Our group must share with the underprivileged, true? And I'm not sure if I like being deemed as faithfool's Lil' Demon Buddy. It begs the question of who is actually in control. We all know the answer to that, don't we? I didn't persuade her to buy that Ouija board mouse pad for nothing. :D :D :D Although, I'll pass on that the writing is inspired.

::: winks and straightens tie :::

(Because every girl is crazy 'bout a sharp dressed man!!!)

"Next!"

Homebrew: My favorite man and his imp! How the hell *is* Phil doing? I didn't realize he was still hanging onto his old 'sexual' spiel. I guess old habits die hard, huh?

::: mumbles to that pesky faithfool :::

"Please excuse me you kind listeners, but the lady (and I use that term very lightly) would like to speak for a moment. Go ahead. Shoot."

Sorry y'all. But I just had to drop in and say a few things of my own before Roberto runs completely amok. I appreciate everyone allowing me (us) to handle this in a way that is somewhat entertaining. I'm still real deeply hurt, riled up and in desperate need of a spell to cast over my idiot mother, but being able to get it all out in the Pit and have others share my pain is helping tremendously. Not to mention, I used to be the type who wouldn't have even written anything down remotely negative in a diary for fear it might hurt feelings. Now, I get the thrill of knowing the world (almost) over understands my mother is a certifiable, heinous fruit and we can laugh at it so RAWKS! < said with 3 finger salute >

So, that said, I really am grateful for everyone's support, concern and help. This means the world (both on this planet and, I suppose, below) to me. I'll try to edge back in occasionally whenever Roberto either gives me a chance or needs a breather. Thank you.

::: lets Roberto take back over :::

"Wasn't that sweet? She really is a nice girl. Kinda mousy and w-a-y out there, but in a non-threateningly, goofy sort of way."

::: waves :::

"Now, where was I? Oh, right, Homebrew, my homeboy. Yum. Yeah, the girl would definitely do wise to believe she was switched as well. Hmm. Perhaps she honest to Og (we're not allowed to co-opt that 'other' phraseology -- drats!) was. I'll have to check on that for the both of you. I *know* if I was in that position, it'd definitely put my mind to rest."

"Well friends, my throat is a little parched. Hehehehe. I'm going to take a quick break and have a bite of some devil's food cake that I packed for the recent holiday trip, then return and chat some more. Be gloriously naughty now!"

[faithfool]

:p

Who else do we have that's been so gracious to join our little unholy gathering?

DeVena! My apparently long-lost kindred soul. How are y'all doin'? Tell Irving (which is a *much* better name, BTW) that he IS the man. A multi-decader too. Wow. I am so impressed. I'm glad he's helped to foster some of the self-esteem you already had within you and deserved to get rid of those negative images your mother was peddling. Just wish I'd done it sometime before I was 36. And not putting up with *any* of it is excellent advice. Who knew it c/would be as simple as walking away?? That definitely has to be the "peace which passes understanding" in my book. But if you guys are ever up for a get-together, just yell. I'll bring Bob (I can call him that when he's not around, right? I mean, he ain't Santa or nuthin.) and we can all sit down to a nice quiet death metal concert or we can send the boys out on their own and we'll hit their 'cover' store.... Victoria's Secret. There's a reason they call it that. ;)

Maureen ~ Your suggestions are absolutely priceless! The best one I came up with while I was there was simply remarking that she probably didn't want to hang around us, since that'd be inviting iniquity into her presence. Unfortunately, it didn't fly. :( I can picture our next visit, me with duct tape at the ready and stories of being a perverted plaything of the netherworld on the par that Madonna has never seen. Is this where I cackle like Vincent Price? Oooh, and if I took off briefly, after alluding to black masses and such, with her prized kitty cat (just wish the fellow was black!), I could then stand back and watch hilarity ensue. You are a gem!! Thanks much from the bottom of our lightless hearts.

Incubus ~ Do I need to get you set up with an incantation or something? I'm sure there are enough KISS (knights in satan's service, doncha know) to go 'round who'll short change a bed, put Saran Wrap over a toilet lid or egg a house. We'll take care of those piddly little squabbles before you know it and have mom bringing in Playboy twins for you on those lonely days off. Then *you* can claim the idea you brought up. "Why yes. ALL the collective demons from the Dope made me do it, them, whatever!"

devilsknew ~ First off, gotta say how appropriate your username is and how much it gets a resounding endorsement from this sector. I think that shows how much we're all on the same sinful side. Of course, your subconscious acknowledgement should have told you that all along. Now if I can just get an opportunity to throw that out there myself, all will be snipped puppy dog tails and fart sounds right with the world. But I can add the "pointy tongue" thing too? It just won't be complete if that's missing and my eyes aren't rolled back in my head. I'll wait to hear from you first though. Wouldn't want to step on anyone's toes or not pay the proper royalties. So, heil dude!! :D I almost forgot. No worries over Shitler ever spending money on me to correct this, in any fashion. Prayer is all she can afford because otherwise, her funds are wrapped up in her lake house and boat and remodeling and more important pressing mortal issues than the destination of my afterlife someday. I'm sure you can feel the gravity of what's at stake here.

Uh oh, Bob is stirring this direction. I guess lunchtime is over. I'll let him finish up the remainder. Wouldn't want to piss off *those* PTB.

Hugs to all my sympathizers. We'll have one helluva (that just slays me every time!) come the apocalypse!! Party on!

::: clears throat and dabs powder around eyes :::

"You have to look good for the followers. Not everyone can pull off that scruffy look that she thinks she can (and we know she doesn't, but I'll save that for a different complaint of my own -- perhaps *I* should get an account? -- the possibilities for referrals would be endless!) and still command respect. I believe that I'll finish up then...."

OtakuLoki: Tsk, tsk. The inherent 'screw with her mother' tactic is very well thought-out and amusing, but I must advise against intentional deception. We all *know* what my real name is and pretending it's something else will only cause confusion (wait, I'm thinking) and I'm not sure that faithfool's egg donor needs anymore to deal with than she already causes and courts. The last thing faithfool desires is explaining how she has an army of demons following her into the bathroom, shopping for groceries or watching tentacle porn. (I tried to tell you that I knew everything, but you wouldn't listen. Santa my ass.) I can't promise that she won't do it anyway, just because it sounds like much fun and she can, so I'm sure you'll be hearing back great words of gratitude. Furthermore, I will recognize the genius in you.

But, we've got to have words the whole 'Spork' incidents. I was told that was completely hush-hush and all the evidence had been eradicated. What do you know? Tell me now or I'll hold my breath until I pass out. Tell me! Tellmetellmetellme!!! Damn. I'm going to be watching you *so* close.

::: regains composure :::

Liberal: Hard to admit there are people like those mothers out there, isn't it? If you never come into contact with one, most assume a Mrs. Cleaver stance. Not true and oh so very sad. I feel we should just leave them to their fates, old, alone and looking like used luggage, swearing that they are in touch via PAX TV. But due to them never leaving any of the rest of us be, I'll pass on that voucher for lunch and have it recorded in the communal Palm Pilot. Lunch can commence at the local Cracker Barrel, which surely IS the spawn of Beelzebub, and they'll be comfortable and fit in. :eek:

EJsGirl: We saw that and are very proud of your depravity. Keep up the good work! And Maureen, hijack away. She won't mind. What better place to do so then when one can permit horrible fiends to take over in the midst? It's all part of our plan, I tell you. That, and to make Speedos illegal. I can't shudder or bleach my brain enough. Enjoy all those baaaad thoughts. It's what makes a body happy and deranged. :)

5que: I like it! I'm sure we'll be hitting our relative company (eBay -- everyone already knew that, right?) today looking for a version to scare the crap out of her. Only a couple of questions though.... should this be done nightly? at the same time? other eerie stuff thrown in? Don't just put out an awesome concept and not finish it up! The other dominions in my squad might like to give it a whirl and I don't want to share it incomplete. If I did, I wouldn't be up for Demon of the Month in January then. Please, be considerate of us hardworking types. It's a hellhound's world out there and only the nastiest and most calculating make it to the top (with Trick-or-Treating accounts).

"I'm done for a bit. All this talking makes me long for the comfort of the steam baths. I'm giving it back to her for a while and I'm going to go catch my soaps. They're all so immoral! Remember to do unto each other heartily and then SPLIT!"

Take five everyone. :cool:

[faithfool]

Stupid freakin' possessed computer! ;)

Anyhow, since it's acting all buggy on me, I'll finish up this round by saying....

Celyn, you have no idea. The woman needs more help than could be given by permanent placement in Bellvue. How I even lived long enough to grow up is a mystery to me. And Zabali, I know exactly who you're talking about because he made several trips to our church when I was a teenager. Alas, they don't go there anymore and I only wish that I could blame her lunacy on someone else, but it's not the case. She LIVES to see things in as bad a light as possible and never requires any outside help to achieve that. It makes me so ashamed. But, I will keep an eye out in case she invites me to any 'services' anywhere unexpected.

It's about damn time that someone recognized me for the subgenius that I am. Thank you vibrotronica. I'll be holding forth soon on how to involve everyone here on us taking over the world. Or was I not supposed to say that out loud?

::: bookmarks page :::

I only wish that I could say mine has mellowed out a lot like your malkavia, but that's so far from the truth. As a matter of fact, this has just begun to ramp back up in the last couple of months. Perhaps I should recommend her to shave her head, eat tofu, wear a sheet and hang out in airports while chanting "Happy Birthday to Me" (which is the closest she can come to carrying a tune) and passing out LifeSavers. I doubt that'd work though. She'd much rather deride everyone's existence rather than make it better. Also, she's WAY more than okay with the whole Abraham/Isaac thing and all it implies. I know because that discussion came up right around the time Bob did. Amazing.

I appreciate all the help. At least it's gotten me to smile some instead of grimace and fight back tears that my mother is such a cold-hearted, hateful and unloving bitch.

Eh, I'm definitely not looking forward to our *next* family gathering.

Signing off for now,

~faithf666l ( < ----- whadaya think of spelling it that way?) and Bob (or does he get seniority?)

[OtakuLoki]

~faithf666l ( < ----- whadaya think of spelling it that way?) and Bob (or does he get seniority?)


Of course Bob gets seniority. Sheesh. :p

[malkavia]

I appreciate all the help. At least it's gotten me to smile some instead of grimace and fight back tears that my mother is such a cold-hearted, hateful and unloving bitch.

Eh, I'm definitely not looking forward to our *next* family gathering.




I'm certainly not one to downplay the importance of family in ones life, but it sounds like this woman needs to be as far from you as possible. I'm so sorry that you've had to endure all of these years of abuse at the whim of someone who is supposed to love and support you no matter what. That said, perhaps when you're ready to.. you may distance yourself from her until you are calm enough to write her a letter saying exactly how she's made you feel all of these years and how far her attitude and behavior has helped to push you away from any Faith you may have had. Don't send this letter to her until you are fully prepared for the fallout, of course. And if you never send it, that's okay too. But feeling the way that I'm quite certain she's made you feel all of these years without expressing it SOMEWHERE is going to make you insane.

Failing that, you may want to ask her how she screwed up so bad that God would curse her with a devil-warshup'n kid. :rolleyes: I kid, but not really. It just kills me that someone would treat their own child so inhumanely. *hugs*

[Yllaria]

Maybe next Christmas you should visit Bob's family for a change. It's only fair.

[bobkitty]

You *do* realise that there are certain criteria you have to meet to be considered possessed, right? And that you could likely quite easily pass any of the "tests" that a true "exorcist" would put you through? Perhaps you should schedule an appointment with your mom and the clergy-of-her-choice to put an end to this ridiculous notion once and for all?

-BK who, incidentally, is writing a book on possession and exorcism

[Siege]

Failing that, you may want to ask her how she screwed up so bad that God would curse her with a devil-warshup'n kid. :rolleyes:

malkavia that's absolutely beautiful! Evil, but beautiful. :D

faithfool, I won't be able to get a hold of my favorite Wiccan for a few days, but you might want to stop by your local New Age/Pagan store. It's amazing what a t-shirt with a pentagram can accomplish, or, if you'd like to be more discrete, go for a ring or necklace. If you explain the situation to the folks hanging out there and don't dismiss them as Satanists (they're not), you might get all kinds of helpful suggestions.

See if you can borrow a copy of the Necronomicon from the library. Actually, from what you've written of your mother, a few copies of the various Harry Potter books should do. If you check the religion section of the library (200's if it uses the Dewey decimal system), you should see all sorts of books which you could use to provoke a reaction. While we're dealing with books, try memorizing some of the dialog used by various evil forces in The Lord Of the Rings and start reciting that in front of your mother. Actually, even some of the Elvish stuff might work.

On a slightly more serious note, consider giving her a copy of C. S. Lewis' The Screwtape Letters or conveniently "forgetting" it next time you visit her. I sometimes think people think Evil is far more powerful, obvious, and spectacular than it is.

In the meantime, buy yourself lots of nice smelling candles, incense, etc. Not only does it smell good, it adds to the general aura your mother suspects surrounds you. Who knows? If she's of the (in)appropriate mindset, if you burn enough incense, she might even decide you're worse than demon-possessed -- you're Catholic! ;)

Actually, I think Jesus might have said it best when he said, "Shake the dust from your feet and move on" (a paraphrase of Matthew 10:14). I'm sorry she hurt you, and I wish things were better. Remember, you don't need to let her harm you, and you can honor her from a distance. In this case, that's probably the best way to do it.

CJ

[Cat Whisperer]

<snip> Though since she no longer has any sort of hold on me,
<snip>
Really? That's not the message I'm getting from this thread. I think she's still hurting you a lot. Of course, that's the opinion of a stranger reading a message board - take it for what it's worth.

[Zabali_Clawbane]

You *do* realise that there are certain criteria you have to meet to be considered possessed, right? And that you could likely quite easily pass any of the "tests" that a true "exorcist" would put you through? Perhaps you should schedule an appointment with your mom and the clergy-of-her-choice to put an end to this ridiculous notion once and for all?

-BK who, incidentally, is writing a book on possession and exorcism


Read what Bob Larson considers demons to be, and what he believes the "symptoms" of demon possession are... He's not a "true" exorcist by any stretch of the word, he's a charlatan. I put a link up to his site in a previous post in this thread.

[ioioio]

What are the benefits of being demon possessed? What is the downside?

How can I find out how much my soul is worth to Satan?

[Scotticher]

Honey, I know you are playing this for laughs, and your OP and thoughts thereafter have been truly hilarious (you should write for a living) but I also know it must hurt very much. I'm sorry you are having to go through this, and I'm sending you lots of tea and sympathy. Wish I could be there to give you a great big hug.

But I'm laughing like a loon, too......sorry. You guys are ALL so FUNNY!

My Love,

Cheri

[TVeblen]

You know, faithfool, some people undergo expensive therapy and still never get in touch with their inner demon. You, Bob, Roberto, et. al. are just clickin' along!
I'm sure this has already occured to you, but your mother is a drooling nutcase. For all you've made it hilarious, really hon, avoid this woman like the toxic wastedump she is.
If you absolutely must be around her, well, playing with what passes for her head is probably next best.

Since she's convinced you're a demon, why is she annoying you? Demons don't LIKE being dissed. Could you swing a really scary, slit-eyed glare and maybe a low grumbly growl? Or zing her with the stupidest, cheesiest hex and see if she actually bites. "Mom, I tried to warn you. Now Bob the Demon is really, really pissed at you. " SHAZAM! (Wave arms like nerve-damaged grasshopper. It'll look mystical to her anyway.) "Bob says you're now a worshipper of heathen idols and prey to unnatural lusts! You collect Barry Manilow posters and look upon AKC chihauhaus with depraved lust of your heart and loins!"

If she doesn't start singing Copacabana and watching dog shows on Animal Planet, odds are she was just bullshitting you and herself anyway.

Still better to just get the hell fast and far away from her as you can though.

Veb

[Polycarp]

What are the benefits of being demon possessed? What is the downside?

How can I find out how much my soul is worth to Satan?

$1.00 is the going rate -- a few Dopers have the dollar he paid for theirs framed.

Faithfool, I regret that I no longer have the picture we used to have of my beloved wife Skulldigger, Navigator, Satan, and myself, taken after we went out to dinner at Satan's apartment, before he moved to Ohio. But since you know two of us, you would definitely have gotten a kick out of it!

[FilmGeek]

Thanks hon. That'll be 7.96 with tax. Guess getting up to a little 'devilment' is really cheap these days! HAW. HAW. HAW.


Um, shouldn't that ring up as $6.66?

[faithfool]

Wow. Lots of activity among those curious to see how the *real* other half lives. :p So much for being cold-natured, huh?

So, I'll try to be more brief than usual in my catch up this time, especially since I don't want to awaken Bob from his first doozy hang-over in my body. Heh. Just goes to show that New Year's Eve is definitely more rockin' without Mr. Clark. (Who we both hope is doing better, BTW.)

malkavia ~ You're a real sweetheart. I only wish I could say that the letter writing approach had helped much. Unfortunately at this point, I've probably amassed enough correspondence to her to be considered the president of a fan club. And it's not like she doesn't know how I feel.... during this very episode of which I tease, I explained that if I had ever been successful with any of my suicide attempts and left her a lengthy note, blaming everything on her, (sentence after sentence, page after page, in great detail -- which is all I know how to do ;) ), she would've still read it and concluded; "Yep, just more proof that she was indeed possessed/whatever." The woman never accepts anything for herself. Any logical or rational dealings with her are pointless. I'll simply try to keep pretty much to myself, like you wisely suggest. Thank you.

Yllaria ~ You're absolutely right! No of any good travel agents? I should also start now on planning what gifts to take to his family. Any ideas on the best items to impress newly made in-laws? Obviously, something warm will always go over good with these folks, but I'm thinking the climate also lends itself to something festive. Unfortunately, I can't knit or I'd make matching scarves for a little extra dash.

bobkitty ~ Well, even the nutso people she fellowships with would probably think this one was around the bend, therefore meaning that she'd be more than happy to go it alone in her belief if it was unsupported. She loves and completely buys into that whole persecution and martyr complex. However, maybe if you could give me a few expert tips from the research you've got going on, I could at least feign some *actual* symptoms or such that it would amuse me and the ol' Bobster. Hey, a laugh is great for those of us who keep questionable company. :D

Siege ~ I knew there was more than one reason why I adored you so much.... the fact that we seem to share such a, erm, mischievous spirit. Glad you mentioned the pentagram, because, amazingly, I just happened to buy a cheapo parchment recently (suitable for framing) to display whenever I move back out on my own again. Gotta get art wherever one can find it on sale! I'll definitely have to check into getting my own copies of the Necronomicon and The Screwtape Letters, then accidentally leaving them both at her place simultaneously. Right now though, I've been focusing on spending my energies stocking up on EVIL paraphernalia like my "Spells for Dummies" book, my fortune teller magnet that I just received from my Secret Santa, a mood ring and the dreaded resurgence of biorhythms. Until then, I guess I'll just have to keep faking it.

Oh, and as bizarre as this will sound in conjunction with all I've previously already written, she has no problem whatsoever with HP or LotR. :rolleyes: That's different than honest-to-badness Satanic stuff like the Psychic Friends Network, Black Sabbath (with or without Ozzy, I'm not sure) and splitting your tongue. Although she has nothing to worry about on that last one. I'm way too much of a wuss for that. My nose even still hurts. :( I think she should just be grateful that I chose something she never actively railed against to make her cross to bear. I could've been an atheistic lesbian dating someone of another race who listens to blue grass and likes abstract art. She should thank her lucky stars daily! :D

I suppose that translates then back into me "shaking the dust." Where's all the fun to be had when you're hanging out with the others in the Buffy-verse? I want a demon that looks and acts like Spike! Oooh baby.

featherlou ~ Dang. Ya know, I actually thought about that when I was writing this all out and wondered if anyone would consider my feelings to be honestly to the contrary of what I state. Then I forgot about it and went on ahead aiming for a truncated version of Dante's Inferno (I must stay relevant here, right?). You see, I understand that it looks that way to everyone playing along at home and would to me too if I wasn't right in the big, fat middle of the tempest. However, from what I've been through with Mde. Shitler, this is about as close as I've ever come with being totally separated from her permanently.

Until a year ago, I still spoke to the woman every friggin' day, when we had absolutely zilch to discuss (not much happens to a depressed, suicidal agoraphobic) and weren't the least bit interested in trying. I did that because it's what *she* wanted. All attempts in the past to disentangle myself somewhat had gone nowhere. And that's just one tiny example. Now, it doesn't even take work to stand my ground, to go sometimes weeks without hearing her voice (and it could be months when I was with the ex -- who she hates more than Bob) and not be guilt tripped in the least. I can't make that apparent to outsiders, sadly, but it is true. This just tripped me up because I could have seen her accusing me of spontaneously changing sexes overnight before I'd have thought of this. Stupid, I know. But that's what all this is. Plus, me still affording her the ability to hurt me via shock and confusion. I'll be working on that though and soon, there'll be no portal left unclosed.

laina_f ~ So far, I haven't noticed too many benefits. Bob doesn't hold his liquor better, hasn't gotten me any nifty discounts into adult bookstores or made anyone else breakdance on demand. It does make me feel better to have an actual entity to talk to rather than just myself. I am looking into us sparking up our wardrobe and I'm hoping he'll at least introduce me to some hip, new, happenin' slang. The downside seems to be that he's getting all the attention. Since I can be shy sometimes, that certainly doesn't help me from coveting the much-sought-after wallflower role. Then there's the whole stigma thing. Bob appears a little disappointed that he didn't come away with someone more exciting to manipulate. Perhaps he was looking for a former Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader, a Porche salesperson, the owner of ALL spam (or NutriSystems, you take your pick), Stephen Hawking, O.J. (or wait, I'm thinking a fellow corrupter got to him first) or the Pope. I hope he's not too upset that it was only me. :(

Therefore, if you're truly interested in attracting some spice yourself, I would suggest you perking up your persona as much as possible. Then all the awesomely bad-ass type henchmen will be in line to sign you up ASAP. The more ya got everything going on (thrown in some already illegal, fattening or on-the-edge thrilling [like Poke'mon] activities with classics like sloth and greed), the better your chances. You want to make your temple demon-friendly.

As to what the going rate is? Here's an example:

For ONLY 5.00 measly bucks! (http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&category=3144&item=3949780201&rd=1)

Started out less expensive, but would up justafiably going for a bit more -- maybe because he looks kinda like Matt Damon. Or since he's an artiste! (http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&category=1469&item=5543554292&rd=1&ssPageName=WDVW)

Happy Horn and Pitchfork Hunting Luck!

Scotti ~ The only thing I can say to you is that I absolutely think you're wonderful and I loooooooooove you. I so wish I knew any women in my real life who are as beautiful as you, inside and out. Bless you so much for giving my heart a much needed lift. May your new year be the best and brightest ever. Gracias mi amiga.

Veb ~ Bullshitter is right. That ::: cough ::: lady ::: cough ::: is why therapists were invented and there are now definitions of "projection" and "denial" used extensively within the AMA. I do agree, though, with you and others (and I'm sure, even *I* had already decided, in my very twisted, sick and controlled way) that fucking with her will prove to be the best catharsis regarding this that I/we can do. So I'll be lapping up all these suggestions and playing them to the hilt. I'm sure that at some point, I'll come back on here, in MPSIMS probably because my mother certainly deserves no less than my most mundane and pointless, to update Bob's progress with infusing her insanity with a little hilarity. I so appreciate all the help guys. I knew I could count on you (from esteemed members and moderators alike!) all to make this a bewitching worthy of 2005. We'll make this baby great!

::: bows humbly before the masses and promises to offer more shuffle board on level 3 :::

Poly ~ Then a photoshop should be in order, right? Throw me in there, with a superimposed picture of Kevin Smith (after Dogma, surely he must be the devil) and we'll make *her* head spin. :) 'Cause she already hates this name of mine. What with all the "but whosoever shall say, You fool, shall be in danger of hell fire” (Matt. 5:22) part. We'd have her so confuzzled and running for the nearest exits that Phred would be proud of her.

What a thing to aspire to.

Ok, this is installment is over-ripe and it is now proven beyond a shadow of a doubt, right up there with relativity and Murphy's Law, that I can't not type TOO MUCH SHIT.

::: sigh :::

Sorry. I should've left Bob in charge. Where is that loafing good-fer-nuthin' anyhow? One can't be sleeping on the job when there's candy to steal and puppies to kick. I gotta get his sorry ass out of bed and tell him that's not how things are done at chez faithfool. We've got a block to conquer in Lucifer's name! Well, right after "The Three Stooges" and my pop tarts. Even those hoping to land the most infamous throne in the history of the world have to be alert. That's why the Good Guy invented chocolate. Mmmmm.

Now I've got the munchies. :o

[Kythereia]

faithfool, you must start a "Ask the Demon-Possessed" thread in MPSIMS. Immediately!

[Scotticher]

Scotti ~ The only thing I can say to you is that I loooooooooove you. I so wish I knew any women in my real life who are as beautiful as you....

Ummm....that's because you didn't know I look more like Bob than I look like Elizabeth Hurley. Well, except for my teeth are more rounded and I don't have horns and....I must have lost my tail somewhere along the line. It didn't have a nametag on it, so it is lost in the dim recesses of...KMart, probably. AND....my hair is red, but I prevent the body from following suit.

So okay, maybe I look more like an imp. Except I'm not green, or.....oh, whatever.

Bless you so much for giving my heart a much needed lift. May your new year be the best and brightest ever. Gracias mi amiga.

E iguales a usted, mi corazón. Usted ha luchado y luchado y usted merece una vida mejor que la usted ha tenido hasta ahora. Mi amor y rezos van con usted, siempre.*

A whole lot of us are pulling for you, darling. Hang in there and keep the faith, okay?

My Love,

Cheri

*This translation brought to you by Babelfish, so don't blame ME if I said something awful there.....