Ten Years

[herownself]

I'm really sad, and I decided to post about it in the pit because, no offence, I really don't want a bunch of hugs.

My sister died ten years ago today, quite possibly right around this time. She hung herself. She wasn't found for two days, so her official date of death is the 24th of January, 1995. Realistically, this gives me a three-day festival of horror, which I sometimes build up to for weeks. The last time I, or anyone in the family had seen her was Christmas, so it often starts then.

In order to be able to accept the support she needed from her friends, she needed them to promise confidentiality - not to tell us (her family) what was going on. They were very good friends to her, they gave her more support than any person could every hope for, and they did what she needed to feel safe.

I thanked them at the time for helping her so much, and I wish I was still in touch with them so that I could thank them again. She couldn't take what she needed from us, as much as I wish I had been able to give it to her. I'm glad someone was there for her.

But I'm sitting here, and I've been crying on and off for most of the week, and I can't stop crying now, and I would give anything, anything, to be able to help her, even though it is ten years too late. I think about how much pain she was in (I've posted before about my depression - and I'm pretty familiar with the worst of the worst) and I'm just devastated. She was militantly against alcohol, due to the problems she saw it causing in our family in many generations. Before she died she even bought and drank alcohol to see if that would help stop how much it hurt. It didn't.

When I think that she even tried alcohol, that her pain was so much that she would be that desperate, I feel like I have a knife in my chest.

Ten years later, and I haven't been able to wrap myself around this. This is the fault line in my life. Everything is either 'before' or 'after'. And after sucks. Before had problems, but after bites big donkey balls. As an only child.

So, you may be wondering, why am I telling you? Well, here's the thing. I have to tell someone, and I moved to this city I don't really like about four months ago, and I don't really have any friends here. In the city, where I used to live, I had a bunch of friends, and I would have been able to hang out with someone, and maybe talk about it or maybe not. My husband wouldn't have remembered, but he probably would have picked up on the crying and figured it out. But, since I don't live with him anymore, the only clue he's going to get is this thread. And that's not really good enough.

I'm not at all good about asking for help when I need it. I was supposed to be perfect, after all. Didn't they tell us that at some point? I'm sure I remember that lesson, I just can't remember who taught it. I can barely accept help if it's offered, and then only sometimes. That's why I'm typing on a message board instead of calling a friend. But I just can't bear to inflict myself like this on someone deliberately, unless I'm paying then for the privilege. (Not to worry, I'm doing therapy, etc). So no reaching out, except fairly anonymously. And you had to click on the link.

[Moirai]

From what little I know, suicide can devastate a family.

I hear you sweetie. Keep talking if you'd like.

No silly cyber-huggy bullshit from me, just a woman who has been to hell and back and took the hard way out, and the loan of her shoulder.

Is there one thing you can do today to honor her memory? You try and think of something, and I will to.

[Angel of the Lord]

Honey, if I've learned anything from TV, it's that perfect only exists in Walgreen's commercials. You don't have to be perfect; you just have to function as best you can. And you are.

I'm listening.

[NoClueBoy]

It's not your fault.

I cannot say I know how you feel, because your experience is unique to you. But, I do care. If you did feel that talking with someone might help, I would be available. Or, I could hook you up with a wonderful friend of mine if you feel more comfortable with a woman. Your choice.

btw, my e-mail is public (in profile) and my name is Steve.

[Zoe]

Hello, herownself in Atlanta/Decatur. I'm here in Nashville. And I can talk all night if you need to. I can check back every fifteen minutes for as long as you need.

I haven't experienced anything like the horrors you've been through. But depression has been a forty year companion for which I have had to have therapy. The right therapist and meds have made the difference for me. But I remember how it overwhelms completely.

What are you feeling besides depression?

[Zoe]

Would you like to talk about your sister? What would you talk about with your friends?

[Syntropy]

I'm sorry you lost your sister.
Please don't blame yourself. It was not your fault. And I'm sure she would have wanted you to move on, and not let this drag you down to the point she was at.

Life goes in cycles. As bad as it gets (and I know how bad it gets), eventually it will get good again. It's okay. Hang on to the idea that, eventually, it's going to get better. You don't have to be perfect. You don't have to keep up a false front. It's alright if you slip, or if you have a day where you just want to scream at everyone. We all go through that.

The important thing, is that you know you're not alone. I won't offer hugs, but I will offer an ear if and when you feel ready to talk.
D.

[NoClueBoy]

We're still here. You're not alone.

Having trouble posting? Yeah, the board's been a little wonky tonight. Hope you get through.

You know, if you don't want to talk to anyone one on one, just post here again. Like what Zoe asked. Do you want to talk that way? Either choice is a good one. It's all your descision.

Hopefully, you're lost in conversation on IM or the phone with one of these wonderful people here. That's a good thing. They're here because they want to be. Just like you.

We'll be avaible whenever you are ready.

[Zoe]

Hi, Maureen. I will still be checking back for a while. I'm hoping that maybe she is talking with her husband or one of her friends in Seattle.

[Syntropy]

Hey, Zoe. Glad you're around
herownself, I'm on the west coast, and I have a brother that teaches at WSU. It's possible we know some of the same people. :)

[herownself]

Wow. This is surprisingly touching.

Although I know that my sister's suicide was not my fault, knowing it doesn't seem to change the fact that I still feel that it was. Or I feel responsible.

I felt responsible for her in many ways during the part of my life that she shared, and being a bratty little sister (for most of it) she played it to the max. When we were teen agers we drifted apart, and when we were young adults (she was 25, we were both in grad school) she died. So we never really got the reconciliation part.

Perhaps that's why I just can't get past it.

Anyway, despite the tone of this, I really am mostly ok. And it has helped in an amazing and unexpected way to write this and know that someone is listening. Thank you.

But right now it's getting late, and I am going to get offline and go to sleep. My head is pounding from crying and my head is swollen and blotchy in funny places, and sleep is the only thing that fixes that.

And tomorrow, I've got the 24th to look forward to.

[herownself]

I just want to say again how amazing it is that you are here. Four posts while I was writing a reply is staggering.

And now, because it is the pit, and this is getting frighteningly mushy:

FUCK!!!!

I HATE this FUCKING SHIT and how much it FUCKING HURTS!!!!

[NoClueBoy]

:)

Quite right.

I'm glad you found a way that helps yourself. Love that username, too.


Sleep tight. (There's a Cecil column about that phrase, btw.)

[Zoe]

Sleep is good.

I will be checking back from time to time tomorrow. If you want to talk more, just leave a post.

I read a little about you from some previous posts and felt reassured when I saw that you have some good things going on in your life. You will get through this.

[Zoe]

You are damned straight. Fuck death and the blasted wall that it puts up.

[Kuizelemartz]

Wishing you a night of restful sleep.

[Syntropy]

And while we're at it, fuck superimposed notions about who's supposed to be the "smart one" or the "pretty one" or the "good one" or whatever, ad nauseum.

Sleep well. We'll help you get through the next few days, or however long you need the help.

[Bill H.]

I'm very sorry about your sister.

Others may disagree, but my personal advice is to do your best not to dwell on this. Something horrible happened, but it's done, it's not your fault, and it's not repairable. Do your best to move on as quickly as you can.

On a practical note, you should work on getting some people back into your life. I'm not sure how you ended up alone in this town living apart from your husband, but I hope you can take some steps to either find friends there, or move to a place with friends.

[TVeblen]

Offhand I can't think of many things that rate a hearty rant more, herownself. It sure beats the usual Pit rants over politics and lousy service in fast food joints. Don't worry about venting. You chose the place well, and gave the info needed. You're in counseling so you're already doing what you can to get through this. Maybe Dopers can't offer much beyond a willing ear because you've probably already heard just about all the riffs and variations.

FWIW, it was never within your power to undo the demons that plagued your sister. Her friends couldn't; you couldn't. I happen to think that most things must be forgiven of the sick and tormented, so this isn't in any way a judgement against your sister. She tried hard, but her means of demon handling were destructive to her and ultimately spawned more demons of guilt, regret, fury, sorrow for those she left behind. A helluva lot of anguish would be eliminated if life permited 'do overs'...but it doesn't, damnitall anyway.

You say you don't want hugs, just to let rip, vent out some steam. I sure understand that one, as some horrendous blows have left me momentarily weirdly aversive to even the most tender sympathy. I didn't want hugs; I wanted to rip something apart, go on plate-smashing, kick-in-the-walls rampage. Punching the stuffing out of pillows and cussing a blue streak--in private--over all the sheer bloody horribleness helped somewhat.

All that said (and this is with mod hat on), I'm going to keep a close eye on this thread, herownself, solely so it doesn't turn into a dissection of you, your sister, how you're handling everything, etc. Most rants are about easier, less amorphous things. I'll close this if it starts getting ugly toward you. We don't have a middle ground for stops-open, balls out 'rage against the dying of the light' and the gentler community in MPSIMS or even IMHO. Don't underrate the comforting outlet to be found there too, though. For all the dismissive warm fuzzies label, there are a lot of tough minded, scarred veterans of life's assorted outrages there. The limit isn't on subject matter, just responses are approached.

In the meantime, get some rest, herownself. Putting yourself through a wringer can't help or change anything. It's just misery piled upon too much misery already.

Veb

[Twoflower]

herownself, you have my sympathies.

And it probably won't help much for the immediate pain, but remember that "this too shall pass."

My ex lost a sister; not to a suicide, but a climbing accident in Nepal. But a similar story in terms of the delay between the accident, the death, and the news reaching home (just before Christmas) causing an extended period of anguish. It's been 21 years ... and she still has a hard time on the anniversary. But I think the tenth was the hardest. (She pulled together a memorial gathering of her sister's friends that year to help deal with it.) I don't think the sense of loss ever goes away, but the acuteness of the pain definitely subsides, once the anniversary passes.

I hope it helps to know that not only are you not alone, but that the anguish you're feeling is a perfectly normal part of the greiving process.

Rest well.

[Talon Karrde]

Hi Herownself. I hope you find some comfort in the next few days.
I haven't lost any family members, but I have been to the depths of depression and tried suicide when I was ten, so I have a faint idea of what you're going through. But hang in there. Eventually it may stop hurting.

[Flamsterette_X]

I'm sorry to hear that you lost your sister.

I haven't lost anyone to suicide, but I know what it is to hurt that much.

Hang in there.

[Ink a dink a dink]

Hey, Herownself. Been a major depressive for years, so I can commiserate with you there. My mom is the one who lost siblings. Had one murdered when she was young, had another life-long troubled sister commit suicide about a year after we moved to WI, had another sister commit suicide about three years ago after that sister's ex-husband died after a prolonged illness and she cared for him though they were divorced. Pretty much knocked the wind out of my mom's sails and put her in the hospital for a while. Luckily, I get the same genes. YAY!

Kissing aside, I was the one who had to tell my mom about her sisters - I got the calls from a priest friend of ours who called to let my mom know. He thoght it might be better for me to let her know.

So, I can feel for you here. If you don't want higs, that's cool - I have a spare set of dishes since I moved out here and in with my BF, and we can throw them at walls all day long. I also have spare galssware.

I have tons of pillows if you need to beat something.

I have lots of old clothes if you need to rip, rend, shred or tear things. Or if you need to get really dirty by throwing things around in the yard. I can't promise the dog won't look at us like we're nuts, but - hey, we are!! Wheeee!

Sounds like you have a fair amount of ears here available for listening. I am here for the more destructive needs. Someone's gotta do it!

Keep your head up. You know all the words of comfort; it doesn't make it any better. You know what you need to know and platitudes wont help so I don't offer any. Just, keep your head up.
Inky

[Ink a dink a dink]

Kissing aside



Crap. Kidding aside. :rolleyes:

[Maendosa]

So, you may be wondering, why am I telling you? Well, here's the thing. I have to tell someone, and I moved to this city I don't really like about four months ago, and I don't really have any friends here. In the city, where I used to live, I had a bunch of friends, and I would have been able to hang out with someone, and maybe talk about it or maybe not.

My brother and his wife were killed in a car accident in May 2004, not quite a year ago yet. At the time I was living in Los Angeles and had been for several years, and when the news got around my work and friend circle, everyone knew that my family was terribly important to me, and how much of a blow it was.

Subsequently, I've moved to Seattle. I find myself in something similar to your situation - no one here knows what happened, nor can place it in the proper context of significance when they find out. Sure, anyone can (and they generally do) express thoughts of sympathy, but they don't get it, and they never will. It puts me in an awkward situation when I'm asked about my family - "Oh, how many brothers and sisters do you have?" Do I say I have three brothers, but one was killed, or do I just take the 'easy' way out and say two? *sigh*

I doubt in ten years I'll be over it either. I've always thought that death was the hardest on those still living, and nothing's proved me wrong thus far. I'm sorry this is so difficult for you. I can sympathise, to an extent. I'm also sorry that I don't have any helpful advice to add. I just generally try my best not to think about it, not get sucked down that vortex of grief. Not the best way of dealing with death, but it leaves you functioning, at least.

[Maendosa]

'rage against the dying of the light' ...

Veb


Rage against the dying of the light indeed. It's an extraordinarily apt phrase.

[Siege]

herownself, I'm here because another Doper sent me a link with this thread and asked me to help. He wanted to make sure I saw it and thought I could help. (To that person, thank you.)

I sympathize with you on a couple of levels. First of all, two weeks ago today, I was told my grandmother was dying. About 24 hours later, she died. Thursday, I went to choir practice, thinking I'd gotten through my grief. Instead, during one particular piece, I started breaking down. I couldn't agree more with your " HATE this FUCKING SHIT and how much it FUCKING HURTS!!!!" Even knowing it's natural, even knowing it's normal doesn't make it stop hurting. I wish it did. Damn, I wish it did.

Second, I have been suicidal and I've come close to succeeding. I've got two younger brothers and a family who loves me. I remember what it's like to be at the point of suicide and what was going through my mind. As someone who's been there and only survived through a miracle, let me tell you something. It's not your fault!!!! Let me repeat that, because I cannot put it strongly enough. It's not your fault. When I have been at the point of suicide, I haven't been thinking I'd be hurting my family or friends; I was convinced I was relieving them of the intolerable burden of having me around. By committing suicide, I was doing them a favor in the long run, not unlike removing a cancerous tumor. Yes, I know that's not rational. That's one reason I'm certain depression is a mental illness. A person who commits suicide is out of touch with reality, at least in my experience, because he or she can see no value in his continued existence. It's very nasty and insidious. Two years ago, I was unemployed and had been for sometime. Reason and logic, or rather the twisted things that passed for them in a depressed person's mind, convinced me I wasn't going to be able to find a job which would allow me to support myself and that I was going to wind up becoming a burden on society, therefore it was better for society as a whole if I killed myself, rather than burden my friends and family with this.

I understand about being alone in a strange city. I moved to Hawaii for a job knowing only that there was a YWCA downtown and bus service to Waikiki. I moved back to my home city knowing that what few friends I had had moved on. In both cases, I found friends and people I love and trust. One of them is lying in the room next to me. I met him a year and a half ago. Things will get better. In the meantime, you've got a message board full of the finest people on the planet looking out for you. Trust me. I've known these people for four years.

Oh yes, my e-mail address is also in my profile. I'll make a point of checking it throughout the day. I carry a cell phone now, so if you want to send me your phone number, please do so and we'll talk. You're also welcome to come to Cecil's Place (http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/Cecils_Place/), a support group I set up on Yahoo for Dopers who are battling depression. It's completely private and I know they've helped me.

I know it stinks to high heaven, but what you're going through is understandable. As a friend of mine pointed out to me, though, you don't have to go through it alone. We are here for you.

With condolences,
CJ

[Apos]

With some experience of suicide, I have to say that IMHO one of the important things to "get" after a while is that in most cases, we put too much emphasis on the suicide itself, as if it were a seminal failure or culminating event that everything before was leading up to. Thinking about it that way really drives home that feeling that there was something people could have done to stop it, that maybe we could have stood in the way of that path and arrested it.

But suicide, and the depression that usually underlies it, is rarely like that. Instead, it comes in big crazy waves. The plans, the obsessional thoughts, they come and go. It isn't inevitable, it's rarely predictable, and sometimes even if it's pre-planned, it's still almost accidental. So I find that you can spend way too much time trying to find deep and painful significance in what someone might have been thinking, or the last couple of days, or whatever. The reality is, the mood or thoughts of suicide aren't any deeper or more true to the core of a person than anything else in their lives. In fact, often the person themselves acknowledges them as extenal: a disease they've struggled with. They can't always be talked away, or cured by support. And in the end, you can't blame yourself or the person anymore for that one tiny part of themselves that ended their life than you can for any other disease that takes the life of a loved one. Nor can you think you could have necessarily cured it anymore than you could cure someone's drug-resistant TB.

That probably doesn't make it any more real. Heck, my most painful loss was someone to an auto-immune disease that they fought tooth and nail, and yet my brain STILL after so many years from time to time slips into some fantasy of how I'm just waiting for the cure to be discovered so I can go back in time and administer it and save them. I mean, that's REALLY crazy, and yet I STILL want to believe that there's something I'm still doing to prevent them dying. We can't turn off our desire to help and fix and understand even after it's no longer needed. Human psychology was, well, pretty shittily designed in some ways.

But then again, I think one of the obvious things a thread like this is good for is in demonstrating that even if you are living in a strange new city where no one knows you and specifically what you're going through, you are still nevertheless almost certainly surrounded by people who have had to face many of the same sorts of things you have gone through. Barriers of social custom and familiarity and shyness prevent it from being obvious, but you are not alone in what you're going through, and as you meet new people in the city you'll find that there is an incredible wealth of common, shared experience out there. They can't act like they "get it" because they don't know you yet, or they have a hard time opening up themselves- but it's there, and it will come as you find new links. A messageboard is a weird tool that somehow gets people around that: gives easy access to the deeply personal. But the people are the same in both worlds.

[picunurse]

herownself, I understand. I understand not wanting hugs and platitudes. I understand that it doesn't get better. I understand the guilt, even knowing there was nothing you could have changed.
I understand, because my son, my only child, commited suicide in 2000. He/they were found 2 days after my birthday. He probably died the day before. His wife survived. They had a suicide pact. She was critically ill for 5 weeks.
When she was able to leave the hospita,l she came to live with us for a year. I think if I hadn't had her to care for during that year, I might have followed.
I'm better now, and so is she. But, I am changed. I will never be the same person I was before. I've lost friends who just couldn't wait any longer for me to get back to "normal." This is as normal as I'll get.
For many years, working in critical care, I dealt with grieving families. I thought I was soooo helpful. Now I know I didn't know shit and I didn't do shit for them. Grief is so much larger than anyone can imagine. The grief that comes with a suicide, is double that.
People tell you, time heals. Bull Shit. Time is only time. All it does is pass. Granted, the moments of forgetfulness that lie within the cracks in that glacier of grief, over time, widen.
There are actually whole days when I don't think about it, but it isn't gone, it isn't healed or healing, its there, lying in wait for me to trip over it.
But, grief is like staring into the sun, you simply can't do it for long, you have to look away or go blind.

I've never felt angry. We're supposed to be angry, at some point. I can't.

What's left of my heart goes out to you.
Be well, and be strong. Its all we can do.

[MrFantsyPants]

Hi herownself, some one else here listening.

Let's toss another couple of fuck-yous out there...

Fuck you suicide. Of all the deaths to throw at a family, this one is the fucking worst.

Fuck you, world, for putting anyone in a position where suicide seems like the only reasonable option. How fucked up is that?

Fuck you, parents who make it clear that your kids need to be perfect. Perfect is un-fucking-attainable, and even if your kids figure this out intellectually, they'll never be able to lose the feeling that they're letting you down.

I've got more, but the baby has other plans for me.

[Ca3799]

I'm sorry about your sister.

I was just talking with my best friend about her loss of a sister-in-law. They were very close. The S-I-L's car broke down and she began to walk. A drunk driver clipped her and threw her into the weeds on the side of the road where she died. He left the scene and hid the car. It got uglier after that (the search, trial, etc.).

It's been 9 years and my friend still finds herself in need of talking about it- sometimes I will do and sometimes she sees a counselor. My friend feels like that because so much time has gone by that perhaps (others feel) she should not still be mulling over her S-I-L's tragic death, but I understand. I only met the S-I-L two times and found her friendly and likeable and interesting. It was not fair what happened to her!

[herownself]

Hi Everyone.

I really didn't mean for this to turn into therapy club, but I do appreciate this.

Out of everyone, picunurse has really hit it on the head. I wish I could have said it that way. In fact, if you don't mind, I may steal it for future use.

I've never been angry about the suicide either. I know that you're 'supposed' to be angry, but I've never been good about doing what other people tell me to do.

I totally understand why she did it. There is a lot more to the story, which I haven't posted and don't plan to post, because it's her story not mine. She tried as hard as any person possibly could to cope with her situation, for a very long time, and it didn't work.

So the anger I feel is toward the circumstances that set up her depression, and mine, not so much the genetic as the environmental. And because it just really, really sucks to hurt. And hurt. And hurt ...


So thank you all, again. Especially the folks who waited up last night night.

[picunurse]

Hi Everyone.

I really didn't mean for this to turn into therapy club, but I do appreciate this.

Out of everyone, picunurse has really hit it on the head. I wish I could have said it that way. In fact, if you don't mind, I may steal it for future use.

I've never been angry about the suicide either. I know that you're 'supposed' to be angry, but I've never been good about doing what other people tell me to do.

I totally understand why she did it. There is a lot more to the story, which I haven't posted and don't plan to post, because it's her story not mine. She tried as hard as any person possibly could to cope with her situation, for a very long time, and it didn't work.

So the anger I feel is toward the circumstances that set up her depression, and mine, not so much the genetic as the environmental. And because it just really, really sucks to hurt. And hurt. And hurt ...


So thank you all, again. Especially the folks who waited up last night night.

Of course, you may use it. I know its hard to articulate these feeling. People make you feel guilty for not getting on with it, because they have no clue.
I hope this has made you a little stronger to be able to go live your life for a while again, because its what we do.
If you're up to it by then, we can do this all again in late June, for me.

[Zoe]

We'll be around tomorrow too -- and next June, picunurse, if you'll let us know you need us.

As a child of about ten, Katharine Hepburn found her brother's body. He had hanged himself, apparently accidentally, when he was about twelve. They had seen a play or read the book A Conneticut Yankee in King Arthur's Court, I believe. And I think he may have been acting out a scene. I can't imagine having to live with that image.

I'm sorry for the suffering of those who go and those who are left behind.

It must be really frustrating that there are so few who have any idea at all of what you must endure.

[herownself]

It is so rare to find someone who even understands that they don't have a clue.

**********

I'm in a pretty calm place today, thanks to a migraine and some vicodin, and waiting to see what tomorrow brings.

I don't have a door on my cubicle, but I do have a big ugly SAS program to write (and then comb minutely for semicolons, this being SAS) tomorrow. That, along with my boss knowing the general circumstances gives me a reason to be fairly antisocial - or even totally antisocial.

I don't have access to the boards during the day, because I work for the feds and someone narked us out, somewhere in the beaurocracy, so no SDMB for anyone.

Again, thanks.

[Talon Karrde]

picunurse, after reading your post, I'm going to make sure that if any of my friends lose family, I'll be patient with them. It really is hard to understand what someone is going through in that situation, but I know what not to do if it happens to anyone I know at least.

[CanvasShoes]

I have been trhough this myself. Not with a blood relative, but with a much beloved boyfriend. It's been since August of 1984. Wow, over twenty years.

He'd shot himself in the head, and I found him, still alive, but not conscious. They operated and he lasted for about a week, but though he had some response to stimulus, he never regained consciousness, as they say.

I am also available to talk if you'd like.

[Dolores Reborn]

I've been there, too. My sister took her own life in August 1988. She had a hard time with depression. She was a recovering alcoholic/druggie, and her lover left her. Though we didn't know it at the time, she came to say goodbye to the family. (She lived in another town.)

I wish a lot of things were different. I wish she could have reached out for us to help her.

So I know some of how you feel. It does suck, big green ones. :(

I miss Diane.

[Greathouse]

This thread has scared the hell out of me.

Last Thursday my son's school councelor called me. When the school district was doing some testing for learning disabilities, the diagnostitian said that she recognized signs of depression. She wanted permission to send home some questionaires for his mother and I to fill out and then we would proceed from there if needed.

I was scared when I got the call. I freaked out. I remember what it was like to be a teenager and it was no fun. It sucked balls. But my son is only 10. I am terrified about what to do, how to help, or what I did wrong to cause the depression so that I can stop and fix it.

I am very sorry for your loss, herownself. Fuck the hurt and fuck the depression sideways with a stop sign. These are some damn good people here on this board. When they offer to talk or help they are geniune. I would also offer to help or talk, but I honestly cannot even begin to imagine how you are feeling or what would help.

[mischievous]

Greathouse, not to in any way diminish the power and devastation that depression can cause, don't be too scared. Your son may not really be depressed, or it may be transient. Talk to your son, and use your own good sense.

I was diagnosed (accuarately) as depressed when I was 10. I've had waves of depression ever since, but they've gotten easier to handle as I have grown up. I have never attempted suicide, and never been on medication (although there was one time I certainly should have been). Just because it's diagnosed early doesn't mean it will be worse.

mischievous

[herownself]

My boss is an angel. She checked in on me several times during the day, and when I was at the edge, told me to leave.

I cried all the way home, went to bed, and woke up with the migraine from hell.

Ten years feels like a long time, in everything except for this. I'm the only one in my family who is this devastated today (and for my family, today is the official day).

Ten years feels like there should be some understanding, some sort of resolution. Some sort of peace. The only thing I really understand today is that the fantasy I've had of it being the wrong body, and she'll walk back into my life someday, really isn't going to happen.

So that's it: in ten years, I've managed to give up the never very strong hope that this was all some crazy 'I need to disappear' stunt and that I would actually see my sister again. I'll never see my sister again.

I'll never see my sister again. She'll never be happy. I'll never be able to help her. I'll never be able to tell her that I really, really love her. I'll never hold her when she cries, and I'll never dodge when she hits.

She wasn't selfish to decide to die, she was too hurt and too far down to see any other way out. She had already tried those paths anyway, and they didn't work for her. It's only selfish if you know ahead of time what it will do to the people you leave behind, and when you can barely make it out of your own head you just can't see the other people.

Selfish would be if I did it, and I can't. I can't do it knowing what I know, so I take my meds and I do my therapy, and I totally break down at this time of year, and then I climb back out. Sometimes I want to, a lot, but I never will. Because I know too much about it.



P.S. Really, don't worry. I'm not going to do anything, ever.

[CanvasShoes]

My boss is an angel. She checked in on me several times during the day, and when I was at the edge, told me to leave. That's one of the greatest gifts you can have, to have an understanding boss and coworkers.

Ten years feels like a long time, in everything except for this. I'm the only one in my family who is this devastated today (and for my family, today is the official day).

Ten years feels like there should be some understanding, some sort of resolution. Some sort of peace. The only thing I really understand today is that the fantasy I've had of it being the wrong body, and she'll walk back into my life someday, really isn't going to happen. I'm sure the others in this thread who have been through this will have had similar experiences. It seems as if I had that feeling for the longest time. That it had all been a mistake, and that some day I'd see him somewhere.

So that's it: in ten years, I've managed to give up the never very strong hopethat this was all some crazy 'I need to disappear' stunt and that I would actually see my sister again. I'll never see my sister again. Strange as this sounds, now, this may be the healthiest thing for you. I know it's hard, but that hope, when there can be no hope is the most cruel thing.

I'll never see my sister again. She'll never be happy. I'll never be able to help her. I'll never be able to tell her that I really, really love her. I'll never hold her when she cries, and I'll never dodge when she hits. Well, none of us really know what's "after", so you don't know whether she accomplished her goal of at least freedom from pain.

When someone takes such a drastic step, they're so far gone in pain, that nothing that makes sense to you and I can even get through to them. I have no doubt that she knew how much you loved her. Probably the reason she didn't let everyone know was that she loved you all so much in return and she perhaps sought to protect you as much as she could.

She wasn't selfish to decide to die, she was too hurt and too far down to see any other way out. She had already tried those paths anyway, and they didn't work for her. It's only selfish if you know ahead of time what it will do to the people you leave behind, and when you can barely make it out of your own head you just can't see the other people. Yes, exactly. Even if the person did know ahead, by the time they're in that much pain, it just clouds everything so much, that they can't see anything else but to try and escape from the pain.

Do you know what horses do when they're in great physical pain? They run, if they can. The poor things don't realize that the pain is from inside of them, they think they're being attacked by something, so they'll run. Even if they're in a stall, they will pace, or even kick at themselves to try and "kill" the pain inside.

When humans are in that much mental and emotional pain, sometimes, they try to do the same thing, from an emotional standpoint. It doesn't make sense, not to us.

Also, from what I've read, and know of my own experience, the "anniversary" thing is totally normal, if horrendously painful. I hope this passes soon, and that each one gets less painful to bear.

[lisacurl]

herownself, my brother committed suicide on March 30, 1990. He was 17 years old. The loss never goes away, and like you mentioned, I still think of my life in terms of "before" and "after", but it concerns me that the pain is still so fresh and intense for you after ten years. I know that I would never have made it through the first year after my brother's death without the support of a suicide survivors group. It was a group of friends and family who'd lost someone to suicide that met weekly at the local crisis center. Please consider checking with local resources to see if something like that is available. Don't worry that it's been some time since your sister's death... we had several people in the group for whom their loss was many years ago. I really got more out of sharing with people who'd been through the same thing than I would have gotten from being in private therapy.