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View Full Version : Be a dear and help THespos with his love life


THespos
01-27-2005, 01:34 PM
I have waited the requisite 6 months since my last serious relationship and now want to start dating again. And since I can't see myself forking over 249 clams to eHarmony, I've set up my profile on OKCupid.

I haven't had too many problems like other Dopers have had with getting people to respond, but I do seem to have my own unique problem. Some women are responding to woos, e-mails and IMs, but nine times out of ten they bail upon seeing my profile. Typical conversations go like this:

THespos: [Insert a series of semi-witty comments here.] Any chance you'd like to get a cup of coffee or drinks after work?

Potential Mrs. THespos: Sure, just let me check your profile first.

THespos: Okay, IM me later.

Potential Mrs. THespos: [crickets and tumbleweeds]

THespos: Hello? Hello? You there?

Potential Mrs. THespos: [more crickets and tumbleweeds]


Several of these kinds of conversations have led me to believe that either,

1) I'm ugly, or
2) There's something in my profile that's off-putting.

I'd like to think it's more like #2, as there's nothing that really can be done about #1.

So, fellow Dopers, can you check out my profile and maybe make some suggestions? Is there something in there that is a red flag for potential mates? How would you improve things?

Here's the link: http://www.okcupid.com/profile?tuid=8064993888117713162

TIA.

swampbear
01-27-2005, 01:43 PM
The link doesn't work. It says you have disabled your profile for non members.

THespos
01-27-2005, 01:44 PM
Oops. Lemme fix that.

CynicalGabe
01-27-2005, 02:21 PM
Beats me. Maybe none of them like smokers? You are holding a cigar in one pic. Just a WAG

overlyverbose
01-27-2005, 02:36 PM
You're a handsome guy and seem intelligent and witty. The only thing I could imagine is that perhaps some of the "Questions Spos Cares About" are off-putting? I've never used one of these services, but perhaps the women who are looking at your profile get a little nervous when they see the question about having sex with someone who's HIV positive, whether the reader has ever had rape fantasies, or if the reader would sleep with a man who's had 100 or more partners.

If I were single, those questions may concern me simply because I might wonder if there was a possibility that you were HIV positive and were testing the waters to see if there were women who would overlook that, or perhaps you've had rape fantasies and are looking for a woman who has the same fantasies to act those scenarios out, or maybe you're asking because you've had a lot of sexual partners and are looking for someone who wouldn't mind. (By the way, please keep in mind that I know these questions may or may not directly reflect on you personally.)

Were I single, I wouldn't refuse to date someone who asked some or all of the above questions, but it would give me pause. And on an anonymous medium like the Internet, it's a lot easier to cut your losses and never bother to meet the guy, you know, to sort of cut things off before they start, than if you already know the guy personally.

swampbear
01-27-2005, 02:48 PM
I've never been listed on one of these sites before because, well, I'm not interested in sharing with the whole wide world.

Seems to me your profile is way too wordy (overlyverbose. HEH!). Matter of fact I got kinda bored and just stopped reading. Perhaps you should cut it down a bit?

Hopefully others who have done this can give you some sage advice. I will, however, wish you good luck and hope it works for ya THespos

twickster
01-27-2005, 02:48 PM
I think the problem may be with your technique. If you're two minutes into an IM conversation and you suggest a meeting, you're way jumping the gun. Talk to someone on IM -- if it goes well, say you'd like to talk to them on IM again, don't immediately ask for an IRL meeting. This isn't a race.

The usual progression is: IM, perhaps the exchange of a couple of emails, talk on the phone, meet IRL.

THespos
01-27-2005, 02:50 PM
You're a handsome guy and seem intelligent and witty. The only thing I could imagine is that perhaps some of the "Questions Spos Cares About" are off-putting? I've never used one of these services, but perhaps the women who are looking at your profile get a little nervous when they see the question about having sex with someone who's HIV positive, whether the reader has ever had rape fantasies, or if the reader would sleep with a man who's had 100 or more partners.

Thanks, overlyverbose. Both for the compliment and for pointing this out. It hadn't occurred to me.

OKCupid asks questions to provide the data for profile matching. At the same time, they ask you how your ideal match would respond to the same question. And they also ask how important it is that your ideal match respond the way you indicated. For a few questions, I said it was "mandatory" that my ideal match respond in that way. (I think I said it was mandatory for my ideal match to not entertain rape fantasies. I dated someone who had fantasies like that and it kinda freaked me out a bit.) These questions end up on the "Questions Spos Cares About" page automatically, so I'm not sure there's anything I can do about them.

But thanks for pointing that out.

overlyverbose
01-27-2005, 02:56 PM
I've never been listed on one of these sites before because, well, I'm not interested in sharing with the whole wide world.

Seems to me your profile is way too wordy (overlyverbose. HEH!). Matter of fact I got kinda bored and just stopped reading. Perhaps you should cut it down a bit?

Hopefully others who have done this can give you some sage advice. I will, however, wish you good luck and hope it works for ya THespos

:D

I'd agree with swampbear's assessment as well. Upon re-reading it, it sounds a lot like marketing language. Maybe you can shorten it to something like this (of course, you should insert your own witty repartie in here):

My closest friends describe me as selfless and fun-loving. They dig me because I'm known for using my intellect for evil. (Well, maybe "evil" is too strong a word, let's go with "mischief.") They also like hanging out with me because doing so entails deep discussions about the things in life that matter: the state of the world, what we can do to make things better, and most importantly, who the most likely victor would be in a celebrity deathmatch between Snuffle-Upagus and Lemmy from Motorhead.

Although having a challenging career is important to me, I also value my personal time. Most of my weekends are spent doing outdoorsy things like camping, riding ATVs, hiking, geocaching and treasure hunting. I'm not the partier I once was, but there will be the occasional insane party moment. (Example: my annual summer party typically features a live band, several kegs and a visit from the police).

My hobbies include all the aforementioned outdoorsy stuff, plus music performance, creative and business writing, talking about politics and spending time at the beach.

ultrafilter
01-27-2005, 02:58 PM
These questions end up on the "Questions Spos Cares About" page automatically, so I'm not sure there's anything I can do about them.

Not all the questions you care about show up, so as you mark more questions as "very important" or "mandatory", the probability that that question shows up will decrease.

The way I like to think of these profiles is as a collection of stuff that a host at a party would tell someone about you if they expressed interest. The first three paragraphs of your self-summary really don't fit under that view, and there's some redundancy between the first and the last of your remaining paragraphs.

Other than that, I can't think of anything else. Nothing jumps out at me as instantly off-putting.

btw, I've started an "SDMB real friends" network consisting of dopers who have OKCupid profiles, and have sent you an invite.

Helen's Eidolon
01-27-2005, 03:19 PM
Umm.... you mispelled "Snuffleupagus". Other than that, I got nothin.

Abbie Carmichael
01-27-2005, 06:04 PM
The "Drugs: Sometimes" part would have me running in the other direction. (Hey, just because I think drugs should be legalized doesn't mean I'm going to hang out with someone who uses.)

Maybe you just smoke a little pot a couple of times a year, maybe you're a total crackhead -- the profile doesn't let you make a distinction. The point is that a lot of women are going to see this and think you're bad news, even if you're a really great guy and aren't addicted to anything.

You are cute, though. I'm a sucker for a teddy bear.

THespos
01-28-2005, 09:47 AM
Thanks for the suggestions thus far, folks. Perhaps I'll undertake a revision this weekend.

Oh, and Abbie Carmichael, how you doin'?