WTF kind of person would do this to his girlfriend??

[Agent Foxtrot]

Here's an email I recieved from Ernie at Ernie's House of Whoopass! (http://www.ehowa.com). I'm on his mailing list to get emailed jokes. Most of his stuff is pretty tasteless, but I think his most recent email deserves a good pitting. Read on:

I had a date the other night at my place. On the phone the day before, the girl asked me to "Cook her something she's never had before" for dinner.

After many minutes of scratching my head over what to make, I finally settled on something she has DEFINITELY never eaten.

I got out my trusty case of MRE's. Meal, Ready-to-Eat. Field rations that when eaten in their entirety contain 3000+ calories. Here's what I made:

I took three of the Ham Slices out of their plastic packets, took out three of the Pork Chops, three packets of Chicken-a-la-King, and eight packets of dehydrated butter noodles and some dehydrated/rehydrated rice. I cooked the Ham Slices and Pork Chops in one pan, sautéed in shaved garlic and olive oil.

In another pot, I blended the Chicken a-la-king, noodles, and rice together to make a sort of mush that looked suspiciously like succotash. I added some spices, and blended everything together in a glass pan that I then cooked in the oven for about 35 minutes at 450 degrees.

When I took it out, it looked like, well, ham slices, pork chops, and a bed of yellow poop. I covered the tops of the meat in the MRE cheese (kinda like

Velveeta) and added some green sprinkly thingys from one of my spice cans (hey, if it's got green sprinkly thingys on it, it looks fancy right?)

For dessert, I took four MRE Pound Cakes, mashed 'em up, added five packets of cocoa powder, powdered coffee cream, and some water. I heated it up and stirred it until it looked like a sort of chunky gelatinous organism, and I sprinkled powdered sugar on top of it.

Voila--Ranger Pudding.

For alcoholic drinks, I took the rest of my bottle of Military Special Vodka (yes, they DO make a type of liquor named "Military Special"--it sells for $4.35 per fifth) and mixed in four packets of "Electrolytes - 1 each - Cherry flavored" (I swear, the packet says that). It looked like an eerie kool-aid with sparkles in it (that was the electrolytes I guess... could've been leftover sand from Egypt).

I lit two candles, put a vase of wildflowers in the middle, and set the table with my best set of Ralph Lauren Academy-series China (that shit is fucking EXPENSIVE... my set of 8 place settings cost me over $600), and put the alcoholic drink in a crystal wine decanter.

She came over, and I had some appetizers already made, of MRE spaghetti-with-meatballs, set in small cups. She saw the dinner, saw the food, and said "This looks INCREDIBLE!!!"

We dug in, and she was loving the food. Throughout the meal, she kept asking me how long it took me to make it, and kept remarking that I obviously knew a thing or two about cooking fine meals. She kind of balked at the makeshift "wine" I had set out, but after she tried it I guess she liked it because she drank four glasses
during dinner.

At the end of the main course, when I served the dessert, she squealed with delight at the "Chocolate mousse" I had made. Huh? Chocolate what? Okay... yeah... it's Chocolate Moose. Took me HOURS to make... yup.

Later on, as we were watching a movie, she excused herself to use my restroom. While she was in there, I heard her say softly to herself "uh oh" and a resounding but petite fart punctuated her utterance of dismay.

Let the games begin.
She sprayed about half a can of air freshener (Air Freshener, 1 each, Orange scent. Yup. The Army even makes smellgood) and returned to the couch, this time with an obvious pained look.

After 10 more minutes she excused herself again, and retreated to the bathroom for the second time. I could hear her say "What the hell is WRONG with me???," as she again send flatulent shockwaves into the porcelain bowl.

This time, they sounded kinda wet, and I heard the toilet paper roll being employed, and again, LOTS more air freshener.

Back to the couch. She smiles meekly as she decides to sit on the chair instead of next to me. She sits on my chair, knees pulled up to her chest, kind of rocking back and forth slightly. Suddenly, without a word, she ROCKETED up and FLEW to the bathroom, slammed the door, and didn't come out for 30 minutes.

I turned the movie up because I didn't want her to hear me laughing so hard that tears were streaming down my cheeks.

She came out with a slightly gray pallor to her face, and said "I am SOOOOOO sorry. I have NO idea what is wrong with me. I am so embarrassed, I can't believe I keep running to your bathroom!!" I gave her an Imodium AD, and she finally settled down and relaxed.

Later on, she asked me again what I had made for dinner, because she had enjoyed it so much. I calmly took her into the kitchen and showed her all the used MRE bags and packets in the trash can.

After explaining to her that she had eaten roughly 9,000 calories of "Army food" she turned stark white, looked at me incredulously, and said "I ate 9,000 calories or dehydrated food that was made 3 years ago?" After I concurred, she grabbed her coat and keys, and took off without a word.

She called me yesterday. Seems she couldn't shit for 3 days, and when she finally did, the smell was so bad, her roommate could smell it from down the hall. She also told me she had been working out nonstop to combat the high caloric intake, and that she never wanted me to cook dinner for her again, unless she was PERSONALLY there to inspect the food beforehand.

It was a fun date. She laughed about it eventually, and said that that was the first time she'd ever crapped in a guy's house on a date. She'd been so upset by it she was in tears in the bathroom while I had been in tears on the couch.

I know, I'm an asshole, but it was still a funny night.

What the fuck kind of asshole fucks with someone like this, especially to someone they're supposed to care about? I wouldn't have done this shit to my worst enemy. You think it's funny fucking with someone's stomach like this? This email wasn't funny, Ernie. It was extremely disturbing.

Who knows, though. Maybe I'm overreacting.

Adam

[Scarlett67]

Maybe I'm overreacting.
No. You're not.

[Ilsa_Lund]

It was funny as hell right up until the part where he didn't let on after the first bite.

[norinew]

Well, he's right about being an asshole. Thinking it's so damned funny just punctuates that assessment. What a :wally

[Gfab912]

***Wiping the tears away*** That's fucked up! (Bah ha ha!) Ok, on the serious side, what the hell was this guy thinking? If someone did that shit to me, they have a little struggle getting my foot out their ass! Food and family are the two taboo subjects to be fucked with. This guy deserves an ass-kicking... but then again, she still likes him enough to consider being with him so I guess she's just as fucked up.

[Diogenes the Cynic]

The guy has serious hate issues with women.

[HMS Irruncible]

***Wiping the tears away*** That's fucked up! (Bah ha ha!) Ok, on the serious side, what the hell was this guy thinking? If someone did that shit to me, they have a little struggle getting my foot out their ass! Food and family are the two taboo subjects to be fucked with. This guy deserves an ass-kicking... but then again, she still likes him enough to consider being with him so I guess she's just as fucked up.

As I'm reading this, it doesn't look like he intentionally added anything to cause her intestinal distress. I am also gleaning that he's an Army Ranger and eats these meals as a matter of routine without the benefit of seasonings and improvements. Among field personnel is considered a fine art to be able to find ways to improve the palatability of MRE's by finding novel ways to combine and prepare the ingredients. Rangers are odd guys. They also eat snakes.

Loving a Ranger definitely isn't for everyone, but women who date Rangers are fuly aware of what they are. They find them amusing or endearing, and accept their oddities.

[catsix]

Wow. Maybe a Ranger is for me.

If I were her I'd rather know they were MREs first, but it's not as though he fed her anything that was deliberately harmful.

An MRE, even mixed with another MRE, is edible. Soldiers stuck with no access to other food live on them, after all.

It's not like he cooked her dogshit souffle. He cooked something that was designed to be treated as food.

[Diogenes the Cynic]

Why should we think he's a Ranger? Any jack off can buy MRE's.

Wow, Catsix, I never saw anyone who hated her own gender as much as you do.

[Hunter Hawk]

Laughing at another person's intestinal distress isn't too cool, but I think the "MRE cuisine" idea is pretty funny.

[Random]

Yeah, I'm not understanding why this guy's an asshole. He cooked an usual dinner, going to some trouble. She asked for something new, and he introduced her to something that qualified. MREs are food. We think they're good enough for our military.

She liked the food and complimented him. It appears that he the same things she did.

She had a bad reaction to something. It's not clear exactly what. There's no indication that he planned or even expected what occurred.

Yeah, his sense of humor seems a bit crude - most of us got over the farts = funny thing in fifth grade. Possible insensitivity aside, though, what did he do that was so evil?

[Diogenes the Cynic]

Is it funny when a person you care about gets sick?

The guy's a fucking asshole misogynist dickhead.

[catsix]

Diogenes said:
Wow, Catsix, I never saw anyone who hated her own gender as much as you do.

I think MRE cuisine is funny, partially because I have eaten MREs before.

I also don't think that cooking them up is a malicious act, since they are actually food. It's in no way clear that he intended her any kind of harm by cooking something that is designed and intended to be eaten for her to eat.

What the fuck does that have to do with hating a gender?

[Random]

Why should we think he's a Ranger? Any jack off can buy MRE's..

It's fairly strongly implied - Voila--Ranger Pudding.

Wow, Catsix, I never saw anyone who hated her own gender as much as you do.

Good job, Dio. You cause me to question my low opinion of you (very, very slightly, mind) with a political post that I actually agree with (link below), and then immediately reassure me that you are the same kneejerk, combative, everyone-who-disagrees-with-me-is-evil moron that I'm used to seeing.


http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=301591

(If GWB were smart, he wouldn't spend his money on Republican journalist stooges. He'd pay people like you. It'd be a more efficient way to convince fence-sitters to vote Republican.)

[Diogenes the Cynic]

I think MRE cuisine is funny, partially because I have eaten MREs before.

I also don't think that cooking them up is a malicious act, since they are actually food. It's in no way clear that he intended her any kind of harm by cooking something that is designed and intended to be eaten for her to eat.

What the fuck does that have to do with hating a gender?
The fact that you think there's something endearing about a prick who poisons his girlfriend as a "joke."

Also, your entire posting history is filled with hostility towards women.

[danceswithcats]

Why should we think he's a Ranger? Any jack off can buy MRE's.

Wow, Catsix, I never saw anyone who hated her own gender as much as you do.

You are a serious dickhead Dio. WTF in her post was indicative of hate?
You know, there are times to STFU, and you had no clue that that was one of them. :wally

[catsix]

Diogenes said:
The fact that you think there's something endearing about a prick who poisons his girlfriend as a "joke."

Poison? That's a pretty serious accusation considering that what the guy cooked was FOOD and it was, so far as I know, within its shelf life.

[Agent Foxtrot]

The question: What did he do that was so horrible.

Okay, first of all, he knowingly fed her nine thousand fucking calories of food! That's more calories than a normal person should eat in two days! If someone has self-esteem issues, especially with her weight, that could be devastating.

Second, who the fuck would laugh while someone is shitting their brains out in agony and crying because she's so humiliated? Defending him by saying he fed her regular human-grade food is like saying, "Here, eat these two boxes of Ex-Lax." Sure, it's meant to be consumed, but not in those quantities!

This guy is a complete and total fucker. And I agree with Diogenes. I think he has some issues with violent tendencies toward women.

Adam

[Jaade]

Yeah, I'm not understanding why this guy's an asshole. He cooked an usual dinner, going to some trouble. She asked for something new, and he introduced her to something that qualified. MREs are food. We think they're good enough for our military.

She liked the food and complimented him. It appears that he the same things she did.

She had a bad reaction to something. It's not clear exactly what. There's no indication that he planned or even expected what occurred.

Yeah, his sense of humor seems a bit crude - most of us got over the farts = funny thing in fifth grade. Possible insensitivity aside, though, what did he do that was so evil?

A lot of the military people don't think they're good enough for the military. As a girl who's dated several military men, I have asked, on occasion, if MREs really are as bad as I've heard, and if they'd let me try one. They all said no, they were horrible and I wouldn't want one.

Yes, they do try to mix the MREs at times to make them into more palatable meals. But they know what they are eating.

For the ones of you who think this is funny: Do you think it's humorous when people convince other people to try food without telling them what they are eating? I've never found that type of "joke" to be funny. 9000 calories? Are you kidding me? I'm sure she didn't eat that many but imagine how horrible she must have felt, based on the guy's description alone. A bout of illness followed by days of constipation?

If she forgave him, she's a better person than I am.

[catsix]

AgentFoxtrot said:
Okay, first of all, he knowingly fed her nine thousand fucking calories of food! That's more calories than a normal person should eat in two days! If someone has self-esteem issues, especially with her weight, that could be devastating.

And? Eating that many calories in a one-off event, if she did eat all of the food and he had none, is not really likely to cause any serious physical harm. He says 'We dug in.' Apparently she didn't eat 9000 calories of anything by herself. Did he have any reason to believe that sharing such a meal with her in a one-time affair would cause her harm? I doubt it.

Second, who the fuck would laugh while someone is shitting their brains out in agony and crying because she's so humiliated?

He found it humorous that she was embarassed about farting while she was shitting? Immature, but not misogynistic.

Defending him by saying he fed her regular human-grade food is like saying, "Here, eat these two boxes of Ex-Lax." Sure, it's meant to be consumed, but not in those quantities!

Considering the portion sizes and caloric contents of what a lot of people eat when they go out, including things like beer, wine, desserts, coffees that are loaded with cream, he didn't really go that far above the what people stuff themselves with. He fed her human grade food. MREs are designed and produced to be food for humans.

This guy is a complete and total fucker. And I agree with Diogenes. I think he has some issues with violent tendencies toward women.

Oh please. Nothing this guy did was in any way violent. At worst he was immature for laughing about the farts.

[catsix]

Jaade said:
A lot of the military people don't think they're good enough for the military. As a girl who's dated several military men, I have asked, on occasion, if MREs really are as bad as I've heard, and if they'd let me try one. They all said no, they were horrible and I wouldn't want one.


Considering that I've actually eaten a couple MREs before, I'll take my opinion of them over yours. I didn't find them to be that bad at all. Preferable to McDonald's, actually. And unlike McDonald's, they didn't exit my ass directly after entering my mouth.

I'm sure she didn't eat that many but imagine how horrible she must have felt, based on the guy's description alone. A bout of illness followed by days of constipation?

I wonder how much of that was due to the fact that she 'worked out nonstop' for three days? I wonder if she ate anything at all during the three days after that?

[UrbanChic]

Violent tendencies? Poison? Misogynist? What planet are you people on?

[Random]

Second, who the fuck would laugh while someone is shitting their brains out in agony and crying because she's so humiliated?

This guy is a complete and total fucker. And I agree with Diogenes. I think he has some issues with violent tendencies toward women.

Adam


Gotta work on that reading comprehension, Adam. He didn't know she was crying. She told him that later. So he couldn't have been guilty of laughing at that, or even laughing at a time when he knew she was crying. Also, it's clear she had some intestinal distress and was embarrassed as a result. "In agony"? Not in the record. Same for "violent tendencies towards women".

Look, this guy's unsophisticated. He finds bathroom humor funny. He'd probably laugh his ass off if one of his (male) friends stepped in a pile of dogshit. I'm not about to fix him up with my sister, or invite him to my next party. But "violent" "asshole" "fucker"? Not seeing it.

[Diogenes the Cynic]

Violent tendencies? Poison? Misogynist? What planet are you people on?
The planet that doesn't hate women.

[Jaade]

I wonder how much of that was due to the fact that she 'worked out nonstop' for three days? I wonder if she ate anything at all during the three days after that?

Maybe she has a very sensitive digestive system? Immodium AD is pretty potent. I've heard of others that had several days of constipation after using that particular medication.

[Random]

The planet that doesn't hate women.


Is that the one on the other side of the Sun, directly opposite Earth?

[UrbanChic]

The guy's an asshole. He didn't poison anyone. He didn't do anything violent. I don't see where he hates women. He's just an sophomoric asshole.

[TonyF]

Uh, I'm pretty sure it's impossible to unwittingly eat 9,000 calories in a sitting. That's the equivalent of eating over 2 pounds of butter for dinner.

He's an asshole for sure, but I wouldn't wish for more than a few days of light food poisoning for him.

[Revtim]

I also don't see how this is necessarily an anti-woman thing. He might be as big a prick to his male friends as well, as far as we know.

[Soul Brother Number Two]

I thought it was fuckin hilarious, but the guy is a callous asshole, and he obviously did this with malice aforethought. If you've read any of his website, ever, it would be obvious he is a juvenile misogynistic fucknugget.

But a funny one.

[MaddyStrut]

He sounds like an asshole to me. I don't know if I'd go so far as to say he had violent tendencies towards women. But asshole? Hell yeah.

Okay, maybe he's just an immature rube who enjoys bathroom humor and a few farts crack him up. But this?

Back to the couch. She smiles meekly as she decides to sit on the chair instead of next to me. She sits on my chair, knees pulled up to her chest, kind of rocking back and forth slightly. Suddenly, without a word, she ROCKETED up and FLEW to the bathroom, slammed the door, and didn't come out for 30 minutes.

I turned the movie up because I didn't want her to hear me laughing so hard that tears were streaming down my cheeks.


Who laughs when someone they care about is in such distress?

What's a normal daily calorie intack for an average sized woman? 1500 to 2000? This was just one meal. I assume she had lunch and maybe breakfast. Even if she didn't eat the whole thing, she probably had a hell of a shock to her system.

I actually thought the first part (preparing the MREs and trying to set an elegant table) was funny. It was his reaction to her that screams "asshole" to me.

[pepperlandgirl]

So what if he had made her a meal full of hidden sugar and she was a diabetic? What if he fed her a metric ton of dairy and she was lactose intolerant? What if he fed her shellfish and she was allergic? Would it be as humourous then? All the things result in extreme pain, if not death, and I don't see how they are very much different from what this asshole did. I know I would not be amused if my husband made me a dinner full of cream and cheese, or just regular milk, and then laughed and laughed as my insides liquified and left me moaning on the toilet for hours.

He knew it would make her uncomfortable. He knew 9000 calories is bad for a person. He knew it could potentially make her sick. That's why it was funny. He intentionally did something cruel to his girlfriend for a cheap laugh. That's despicable.

[catsix]

Maddy Strut said:
What's a normal daily calorie intack for an average sized woman? 1500 to 2000?

For people who don't eat out at restaurants with outrageous size portions, or fast food, or ever down an entire pint of Ben & Jerry's in one sitting or slurp a few Chanticos with some biscotti on the side ...

If she ate exactly half the calories he said, that's 4500. Considering normal calorie intake for a person is supposed to be around 2000 and many people go over that with the junk food snacks and other shit that gets eaten, she wasn't that far over a 'pig out' day.

[catsix]

pepperlandgirl said:
He knew it would make her uncomfortable.

Where's the evidence of that? He thought it'd be funny to make it for her because she specifically said to cook her something she never ate before, and MREs aren't exactly common food outside the military.

Nowhere does he ever say that he knew it'd make her uncomfortable physically.

[Savannah]

What a jerk.

Sitting there laughing, while someone is in distress that he's inflicted... There's a winner of a man.

And I'd be just as disgusted with the girl on the date if she did anything with him again.

[Soul Brother Number Two]

catsix, how many MREs did he use? A fucking shitload, way more than is normal for two people, especially if one is not in the field being a soldier and shit. Cmon now. He meant to fuck her up with that shit.

Ernie is an asshole. Say it with me. Ernie. is. an. asshole.

[Random]

Where's the evidence of that? He thought it'd be funny to make it for her because she specifically said to cook her something she never ate before, and MREs aren't exactly common food outside the military.

Nowhere does he ever say that he knew it'd make her uncomfortable physically.


Agree. Read what's quoted in the OP, people. It's nice that you have strong social and political views, but you look like fools when you claim to see things that just aren't there.

[catsix]

I guess some people want to see a victim everywhere.

[Diogenes the Cynic]

Why did he keep giggling like a retard when he was talking about how many calories wew in that garbage he was cooking? (and MRE's are NOT food, trust me on that)

Even if he didn't intend to make her sick (which he clearly did) what kind of sadistic little fuck thinks it's funny for a person he supposedly cares about to be sick and in distress?

He did not at any time show any evidence of caring or warmth for the woman he poisoned. He's a mean little fuck

[aurelian]

Originally posted by pepperlandgirl:
He knew it would make her uncomfortable. He knew 9000 calories is bad for a person. He knew it could potentially make her sick. That's why it was funny. He intentionally did something cruel to his girlfriend for a cheap laugh. That's despicable.

Bears repeating. Because you do not put someone you care about (hell, even someone you don't care about) in harm's way. MRE's are notorious for not tasting that great - combined with the massive calorie bomb, he HAD to be aware that at BEST she would get somewhat indigested - and who would deliberately do that to someone they're dating?!?! I would have slapped him from here to Tuesday and walked out.

[MaddyStrut]

For people who don't eat out at restaurants with outrageous size portions, or fast food, or ever down an entire pint of Ben & Jerry's in one sitting or slurp a few Chanticos with some biscotti on the side ...

If she ate exactly half the calories he said, that's 4500. Considering normal calorie intake for a person is supposed to be around 2000 and many people go over that with the junk food snacks and other shit that gets eaten, she wasn't that far over a 'pig out' day.

4500 calories may not be that far over a pig out day (I don't know; I refuse to count the calories I've had on my pig out days)--but this was one meal. Even if she normally eats more than 2000 in a day, 4500 is a hell of a lot for one meal. I can see that it wouldn't cause her any permanent damage, but it's enough to make someone feel like crap for a while.

Okay, maybe he didn't think of that and didn't realize it would do anything to cause her discomfort (a bit of a stretch). However, I still think he's an asshole for laughing while she was in physical pain. Many people have done something they think is funny only to realize it's hurt the other person. Normal people feel bad about that. They don't have to turn up the TV to cover their laughter.

[Guinastasia]

Question-these stories of his-did they actually happen?

It wasn't so much that he fed that to her-although he should have told her about it beforehand-but that he thought it was FUNNY that she got deathly ill from it. Explosive, severe diarrhea like that HURTS. I'd rather PUKE than have that kind of diarrhea. And like most people, I absolutely hate puking.

The idea of making a meal out of MREs is interesting. That it was 9,000 calories and such, he should have mentioned it to her, so maybe she could have known and eaten a bit less. The farting-yeah, that's funny. But when she got sick, he just gave her Amodium and casually mentioned, "Oh yeah, I fixed you a bunch of out of date army meals, which were about 9,000 calories!" No concern about it making her sick.

And it seems like he SET OUT to make her ill. Not that he just wanted to make something out of the ordinary, but that he wanted to trick her.

I don't know if he's a violent misogynist exactly, but he definitely sounds like an immature prick.

[Random]

Bears repeating.

Repetition does not make the statement true. As has already been said - there's nothing that shows that he knew that she'd react the way that she did. He prepared a meal for the two of them. He ate it, too.

I'm sure someone else will repeat the claim again. Still won't establish the point.

[Excalibre]

Violent tendencies? Poison? Misogynist? What planet are you people on?
Isn't there a theory that there's a tenth planet from the sun that occasionally knocks comets in Earth's direction?

Dude in the OP is obviously a total asshole, but yeah, I don't see the misogyny. I think Dio is just another person who has it in for catsix (of course, Dio has it in for just about everyone.)

[Diogenes the Cynic]

Repetition does not make the statement true. As has already been said - there's nothing that shows that he knew that she'd react the way that she did. He prepared a meal for the two of them. He ate it, too.

I'm sure someone else will repeat the claim again. Still won't establish the point.
Even if he did not know she would get sick, his reactions AFTER she got sick were callous and sadistic and not how a caring person would respond.

[Random]

And it seems like he SET OUT to make her ill.


Guess I was right. Again, basis for this conclusion?

Also, basis for "out of date"? (Yes, it appears that the MREs were 3 years old. It's my understanding they they have a shelf life of much more than this. That's kind of the whole point of an MRE.)

[Random]

Even if he did not know she would get sick, his reactions AFTER she got sick were callous and sadistic and not how a caring person would respond.


Not a "caring person"? Okay, I can buy this one. Guilty!

"Callous"? More of a stretch, but the other 11 of you think so, I won't stand in your way. Guilty on Count II!

"Sadistic"? Sorry, no can do. Unless I can change your mind (and that of the other angry ... people in this thread), I'm going to have to hang this jury.

[Guinastasia]

I said it SEEMS like. Why else wouldn't he have told her what was in it? Maybe I'm wrong, but that was just the feeling I got.

Either way, I much prefer Skippy Schwarz (http://www.skippyslist.com). Too bad he's engaged.

[Agent Foxtrot]

Catsix, why are you going so far out of your way to defend this steaming pile of sloth shit? You said 4500 calories, but a good point was made that this was probably not her first meal of the day. He could have seriously hurt her.

As a matter of fact, I find it interesting that so many women on the SDMB are coming to the defense of this ass-ratchet. He deserves to be enemized with 9,000 calories worth of MRE's. ;)

Adam

[pepperlandgirl]

I'm honestly baffled that people think it's ok to fuck with other people's digestive systems, for any reason. I don't even know on what planet that's acceptable. Looking at his menu, would you want to sit down and eat that dinner? If not, why not? If yes, would you feed it to your family without them knowing the ingrediants? Would it be just as amusing if she was lactose intolerant so he decided to feed her dairy because that's something she probably hasn't had in a long time?

[Martin Hyde]

Firstly MREs *are* food. to say they aren't food is stupid. Pllus they really aren't that bad. Considering the kind of things you get in a military cafeteria it's not like they are the worst thing you'll have eaten if you're in the military.

[Agent Foxtrot]

Oh, and need I make mention of the incredible strain this must've had on her pancreas? This is why we are told to eat six smaller meals a day: it's easier on the pancreas. If she had a weak one, it could've torn itself to pieces.

Adam

[Agent Foxtrot]

<snip>I'm honestly baffled that people think it's ok to fuck with other people's digestive systems, for any reason. I don't even know on what planet that's acceptable.</snip>
pepperlandgirl is right on the mark.

[eleanorigby]

To me, he was needlessly cruel to someone who trusted him--and seems to have been nice to him, up to that point.

That equals asshole in my book. Immodium is strong medicine, despite it's being available over the counter.

I don't find this story funny at all, in any way. I hope this girl doesn't see this idiot again and warns her friends about him.


I think he hoped that she would have a "reaction" and as is stated, he certainly seems to have enjoyed her humiliation and distress.

What a great guy! A role model for all! :rolleyes:

[Random]

I'm honestly baffled that people think it's ok to fuck with other people's digestive systems, for any reason. *** Would it be just as amusing if she was lactose intolerant so he decided to feed her dairy because that's something she probably hasn't had in a long time?

I'm obviously wasting my time. But here goes, once more. HE DIDN'T KNOW SHE'D HAVE A BAD REACTION TO THE FOOD. NOBODY KNOWS WHY SHE DID. HE ATE THE SAME FOOD AND DIDN'T HAVE ANYTHING BAD HAPPEN.

If he did know that she'd react that way, he's an evil, possibly criminal asshole. But no matter how many times you (and others) repeat your assertion, there's no basis for claiming that he did know that. So your "lactose intolerant" analogy fails. If I give dairy products to someone who I know is lactose intolerant, I've done a bad thing. If I give dairy products to someone who, AFAIK, is not lactose intolerant, I have not done a bad thing.

This really is not that complicated.

(And, except for the ham part, I would like to try that meal. I've never had an MRE.)

[Agent Foxtrot]

HE DIDN'T KNOW SHE'D HAVE A BAD REACTION TO THE FOOD. NOBODY KNOWS WHY SHE DID. HE ATE THE SAME FOOD AND DIDN'T HAVE ANYTHING BAD HAPPEN.
He obviously has a stronger stomach than she does. That doesn't make it right.

"Oh, well, nothing bad happened to her permanently, so that makes it okay." :rolleyes:

[aruvqan]

He knew it would make her uncomfortable. He knew 9000 calories is bad for a person. He knew it could potentially make her sick. That's why it was funny. He intentionally did something cruel to his girlfriend for a cheap laugh. That's despicable.

9000 calories isnt bad for a person per se...and she simply had the same laxative/constipation reaction a *lot* of people not used to eating MREs gets...

I have eaten MREs, and the old style C rations as well...as a matter of fact, in the winter i have a case of MREs in the trunk of my car in case of getting stranded, that combined with a solid fuel stove and a couple boxes of fuel tabs, and a water filter. I could probably survive fairly well for about a week on just what is in the car [i also have a 'pumpkin suit' - arctic survival suit that mrAru got for me a few years ago, bless his little pointy [ex] navy head=)] after all, I did winter camp in my misspent youth=) and once you have a few survival skills learned it is amazing how survivable you can be in an accident=)

I do feel for her - many women have a thing about not crapping outside their own homes [like work, bars/eateries, other peoples houses] and many women dont like to even pee at a dates house [or any other 'dirty' bodily function] For years I had a thing about not crapping away from home, but a year in the hospital sort of cured that little foible=) [hell, i could probably crap in a bucket in the middle of grand central station if i really needed to go and it was the only thing going... :( ]

[Random]

Oh, and need I make mention of the incredible strain this must've had on her pancreas? This is why we are told to eat six smaller meals a day: it's easier on the pancreas. If she had a weak one, it could've torn itself to pieces.

Adam


Won't somebody think of the pancreas?



(You're not going to address post #23, ever, are you Adam?)

[Random]

He obviously has a stronger stomach than she does. That doesn't make it right.

"Oh, well, nothing bad happened to her permanently, so that makes it okay." :rolleyes:

You're pathetic. How does his "stronger stomach" establish that he knew that she would have a bad reaction?

[DMC]

He's an asshole. He says twice in his glurge (and quite specifically) that she alone consumed 9,000 calories, but I'll even be nice and go along with this unsupported assertion that he meant half of that. Here's a 4500ish calorie meal:

2 Big Mac - 1120
2 Large Fries - 1040
6 Krispy Kremes, glazed - 1200
Budweiser (3 bottles) - 435
Butter (1 stick) - 780

Double that menu if he's actually telling the truth about how much she ate. Is there anyone who could put that away in a single sitting without being, at the very least, physically ill for a few days?

[Agent Foxtrot]

Gotta work on that reading comprehension, Adam. He didn't know she was crying. She told him that later. So he couldn't have been guilty of laughing at that, or even laughing at a time when he knew she was crying. Also, it's clear she had some intestinal distress and was embarrassed as a result. "In agony"? Not in the record. Same for "violent tendencies towards women".

Look, this guy's unsophisticated. He finds bathroom humor funny. He'd probably laugh his ass off if one of his (male) friends stepped in a pile of dogshit. I'm not about to fix him up with my sister, or invite him to my next party. But "violent" "asshole" "fucker"? Not seeing it.
Alright, I'll agree that there's no factual basis for violence towards women, BUT, even if he didn't know she was crying, if a girl I'm dating is shitting her brains out in my home, I'd be just slightly concerned.

And, in hindsight, he obviously thought it was still funny enough to write about it. He made light of the fact that she was crying, again, in hindsight. And like pepperlandgirl stated, who the hell is he to think it's all right to fuck with her digestive system? He couldn't have possibly thought that she would be able to handle 9,000 calories (okay, 4,500, that's still way more than any person should intake in a single meal) plus alcohol.

There. Sorry I didn't respond to this post sooner.

Adam

[Random]

I think he hoped that she would have a "reaction"....



Some people think that astrology is real, or that Uri Gellar can bend spoons. A few (usually aged 10 or younger) believe in the Tooth Fairy.

Others look for evidence before they form conclusions.

[HMS Irruncible]

Why should we think he's a Ranger? Any jack off can buy MRE's.

You're right, anybody could buy MRE's. But I know a number of Rangers. The story just screams "Ranger" to me. Here are a couple of things:

1) He's got a whole case of MRE's. MRE's are expensive. Not many people would have a case of MRE's in their house unless it were free.
2) Mention of the little-known "Ranger Pudding" technique.
3) The fact that he'd think to put several hours preparation into improving an MRE
4) The fact that he's got a girlfriend who didn't dump him over this stunt.

Put it all together... that spells Ranger to me. Either you'll agree or you won't.

[TonyF]

Double that menu if he's actually telling the truth about how much she ate. Is there anyone who could put that away in a single sitting without being, at the very least, physically ill for a few days?
That's the wrong question. The question is, who the hell can consume that much in a single sitting without realizing it? Unless there's some special macronutrient in MREs, there's no way in hell she could have unwittingly eaten that much food. So she would have had to know, which implies that she brought it upon herself!

Again, for all practical purposes, it's impossible to unwittingly get down 9,000 calories in one sitting. So let's stop trotting out that number, ok?

[Random]

Alright, I'll agree that there's no factual basis for violence towards women, BUT, even if he didn't know she was crying, if a girl I'm dating is shitting her brains out in my home, I'd be just slightly concerned.

And, in hindsight, he obviously thought it was still funny enough to write about it. He made light of the fact that she was crying, again, in hindsight. And like pepperlandgirl stated, who the hell is he to think it's all right to fuck with her digestive system? He couldn't have possibly thought that she would be able to handle 9,000 calories (okay, 4,500, that's still way more than any person should intake in a single meal) plus alcohol.

There. Sorry I didn't respond to this post sooner.

Adam

Okay, I give you credit for the response, and the retraction about the violence and crying. And I agree with you that this guy is no prince. I wouldn't act the way he did.

But I'm still not seeing the intent "to fuck with her digestive system". Most people (most guys, anyway) are not that conscious of calories. I have no clue how many calories are in any meal I eat. I buy cream in half gallon cartons at Costco, and I make meals that liberally use that particular ingredient. My Beef Stroganoff followed by a dessert that includes dark chocolate, pound cake, raspberry liqueur and the aforementioned heavy cream has been a hit with women who I've dated. Again, I have no clue how many calories I've just served them. Never crossed my mind, actually, but I bet it was a lot. Am I an asshole?

[DMC]

Again, for all practical purposes, it's impossible to unwittingly get down 9,000 calories in one sitting. So let's stop trotting out that number, ok?

I'm not the one who trotted out the number, the asshole in question did. If he's lying, then he's a lying asshole, as opposed to just being a garden variety asshole. Hell, in my menu I even gave in to others who said he'd doubled the number, even though there is no evidence of such a mistake occurring on his part.

[yosemite]

He's a raging asshole, and while I don't know that he hates women in general, he certainly thinks little of this woman, to do this to her and then laugh about it.

I can buy him not knowing that she would react to the food in the way that she did. But there is no excuse for him to laugh at her discomfort and distress, and then write about it, revelling in the outcome of his prank. No excuse.

If he had meant to play a prank on her and it backfired (she was miserable in the bathroom), the proper response is concern, and an internal, "Whoops, that prank didn't work out like I intended, did it?" But that's not what this guy did. He laughed while she was miserable, he still laughed days later, and he wrote about it (har har har). Only sadistic assholes behave like this towards someone they supposedly "care" about.

[hajario]

The story was pretty funny. The overreactions to the story are fucking hilarious. Pancreas damage? You're fucking killing me, man.

He fed her food. It upset her belly and she was embarrassed. I'd be a little more caring about it but then again I'm a pussy compared to a Ranger. It even said in the story that the girlfriend thought it was funny a few days later.

Look, he thought it would be funny to cook her a meal and have her love it and think that he was Mr. Gorumet all of a sudden. Then he would reveal to her later that made MREs. So she had an upset belly at the end which he didn't intend and couldn't have reasonably forseen. Whatever. The same thing happens to me whenever I eat too many onions or food that's too spicy. It's not the end of the world.

Keep it up. I need a good laugh.

Haj

[pulykamell]

Well, the guy's an asshole for his reaction to the situation and the pleasure he takes in this girl's pain. If this was part of his plan, he well deserves a pitting. Such as it is, he's still an asshole for his merriment.

However, c'mon, MRE's are not that bad. I'm not even military and when a friend of mine moved, he left a bunch of MREs behind and I ate them without hesitation. I actually kind of liked them. Combined with the "just add water to heat" element of it, it's like a science experiment you can eat!

Granted, I'm sure if I had to eat them every day, I'd grow weary of them, but if I had some lying around the house, I'd gladly eat them from time to time.

[Hunter Hawk]

One MRE contains about 1350 calories (http://www.usariem.army.mil/nutri/appenda.htm). So there's no way she ate 9000 calories in a single meal. (Oh the horror; somebody posted an untruth on the Internet!) Now, I don't see her having eaten a couple thousand calories as being out of the picture, but then again that's about the same as a big meal at McDonald's.

[TonyF]

I'm not the one who trotted out the number, the asshole in question did. If he's lying, then he's a lying asshole, as opposed to just being a garden variety asshole.
I agree 100% :) It's certainly in line with his other actions...

[HMS Irruncible]

After explaining to her that she had eaten roughly 9,000 calories of "Army food" she turned stark white, looked at me incredulously, and said "I ate 9,000 calories or dehydrated food that was made 3 years ago?"

I have to point out that the 9000 calories thing is a derivation of a bullshit military legend commonly circulated among the troops. The Army states that the caloric requirement for functioning in a strenuous field environment is around 3000 calories. The same Army sometimes limits a soldier to one ration per day. Chances are the supply sergeant will tell you "don't worry, there's plenty of energy in there" rather than saying "the supply chain fucked up, so tough beans." This happens often enough that any Army private will tell you that an MRE contains between 3000 and 4000 calories today. But is that really true? I found more than one cite (http://www.globalgourmet.com/food/kgk/2003/0503/kgk051603.html) that says they only contain 1200 calories.

Each meal provides an average of 1,250 calories (13% protein, 36% fat and 51% carbohydrate). When supplemented with pouch bread, an additional 200 calories are provided.

So if he used 100% of 3 MRE's, there was a maximum of 4000 calories on the table, or 2000 calories per diner. If you think about it, common sense should give the lie to the "9,000 calorie" story. Your body reacts to fats, sugars, and proteins in various ways that signal fullness. It is highly, highly unlikely that you could consume 9,000 calories of anything before your belly told you that you'd overdone it.

Last but not least, the "farting and diarrhea" part of this story is inexplicable and probably an example of the embellishment that Rangers are known for. MRE's are not known for causing these kinds of symptoms. If anything, they're known for quite the opposite, which is why they're called "Meals Refusing to Exit." And if you think about it... is it possible to eat any food that will travel through your intestine and begin showing tailpipe effects in only 30 minutes? If there's any poisoning going on, the girl did it to herself sometime in the previous 8 to 24 hours. However, the part about her not taking a crap for 3 days is entirely plausible. Is that evil? Probably not, I mean that can happen after attending a well-stocked wine and cheese party.

Bottom line... let's think about these things before we blow our tops, shall we?

[Diogenes the Cynic]

Once again, the intentions behind the meal are a secondary point. His reaction to her illnes, in itself, is sufficient for us to render a verdict of assholery.

And what kind of prick goes on the internet to revel in his girlfriend's humilation and suffering?

[Random]

So I take it that you're backing away from your claim that he intentionally poisoned his girlfriend?

The fact that you think there's something endearing about a prick who poisons his girlfriend as a "joke."

[Diogenes the Cynic]

So I take it that you're backing away from your claim that he intentionally poisoned his girlfriend?
Not at all. I'm saying even if YOU don't believe it, he's STILL a prick for how he behaved when she got sick.

[Random]

He's a raging asshole, and while I don't know that he hates women in general, he certainly thinks little of this woman, to do this to her and then laugh about it.

I can buy him not knowing that she would react to the food in the way that she did. But there is no excuse for him to laugh at her discomfort and distress, and then write about it, revelling in the outcome of his prank. No excuse.

If he had meant to play a prank on her and it backfired (she was miserable in the bathroom), the proper response is concern, and an internal, "Whoops, that prank didn't work out like I intended, did it?" But that's not what this guy did. He laughed while she was miserable, he still laughed days later, and he wrote about it (har har har). Only sadistic assholes behave like this towards someone they supposedly "care" about.


"Raging asshole" might be a bit strong, but I can't argue with most of what you say. (I wish I could - I would've enjoyed telling you "It's a Midwest thing", in reference to the heavy calorie meals.)

[HMS Irruncible]

Not at all. I'm saying even if YOU don't believe it, he's STILL a prick for how he behaved when she got sick.

If you read between the lines and look at what I wrote before, this is most likely fiction. At least, most of it. Here's how I see it:

1) Girl demands a Ranger cook something she's never had before. Ranger only knows one kind of food, and she's never had it before.
2) Ranger prepares an elaborate MRE feast.
3) Girl eats food. Girl enjoys. Ranger reveals provenance of victuals. Girl is shocked.
4) No diarrhea or illness occurs.
5) Several days later the guy asks her how her bowels are faring, and she says "not moving, I guess it's the MRE's."
6) Ranger thinks this is hilarious, writes the Ranger equivalent of "Dear Pentouse, I never thought this would happen to me...."

Nobody gets raving foaming farts 30 minutes after eating something. That part is most likely fiction to spice up an otherwise uninteresting narrative.

[Random]

Not at all. I'm saying even if YOU don't believe it, he's STILL a prick for how he behaved when she got sick.


So tell me, again, just what in the OP convinces you that he intentionally poisoned his GF?

[Hilarity N. Suze]

Okay, I missed the part where he held the gun to her head and demanded that she eat the whole thing. I also missed the part where he sat there gleefully watching her eat and not eating what he'd made himself.

Come on, the guy is couching this as a funny story. He may say he was laughing the entire 30 minutes she was in the bathroom with intestinal distress but probably he wasn't. He was thoughtful enough to give her an Immodium (and she took that, too). She's apparently okay with it. Although I bet the next thing she wants him to make her for dinner is reservations.

Hell, it may become a funny story that they are still laughing about on their 50th anniversary. Some people do find humor in those things.

He followed her wishes in making her something she'd never had before. He did some creative combining of MREs. Sure, that's a lot of calories, but like I said, I missed the part where he demanded she eat it all. In fact she seemed to like it, because if she was just eating it not to hurt his feelings she still didn't have to eat ALL of it, now did she?

I'd also bet he's overstating the number of calories--but once again, she ate it. Most people, once they get a sufficient number of calories, stop eating.

I'd put her 3-day constipation fit down to the Immodium and not eating (not that I'd blame her) for the next three days.

[DMC]

So if he used 100% of 3 MRE's, there was a maximum of 4000 calories on the table, or 2000 calories per diner.

Read the OP again, very carefully. He used at the very least 9 entrees from the MREs in the process, and depending on whether said meals contained the noodles, it might have been more.

[Random]

Nobody gets raving foaming farts 30 minutes after eating something.


You know, you're right. I didn't pick up on that.

[Diogenes the Cynic]

So tell me, again, just what in the OP convinces you that he intentionally poisoned his GF?
The fact that he went into such giggling detail to describe his preparation of the "meal" while enumerating how many calories were in each thing.

The thing is, I'm not going to try to convince you because it doesn't matter. He's still a sadistic asshole either way.

[Guinastasia]

It wasn't raving farts thirty minutes after eating. Thirty minutes was how long she was in the bathroom experiencing intense explosive diarrhea. I believe we have a word for that around here: wolf-ass.

Look, even if he didn't intend it, LAUGHING that she was sick for days on end is pretty sick.

[Tripler]

I'd like to point out one thing:

I got the same e-mail today at work, on a government account. While not spam, it's one of those "chain letters" that tends to make the rounds as a 'sick but funny joke'. I'd like to invite everyone to calm down, take a deep breath, and take this e-mail with a grain of salt. Hell, here's the damned shaker.

No sense getting worked up over something you can't take seriously.

Tripler
And there ain't nothing on Snopes. . . yet.

[HMS Irruncible]

Read the OP again, very carefully. He used at the very least 9 entrees from the MREs in the process, and depending on whether said meals contained the noodles, it might have been more.

No.

I got out my trusty case of MRE's. Meal, Ready-to-Eat. Field rations that when eaten in their entirety contain 3000+ calories...

After explaining to her that she had eaten roughly 9,000 calories of "Army food" she turned stark white, looked at me incredulously, and said "I ate 9,000 calories or dehydrated food that was made 3 years ago?"


If he believes MRE's are 3000 calories, and he believes he fed her 9000 calories, then he believes he fed her the equivalent of 3 MRE's.

[Slithy Tove]

So, basically, this is a guy who aces himself out of the possiblilty of sex, prefering to listen to flatulence.

[DMC]

No.



If he believes MRE's are 3000 calories, and he believes he fed her 9000 calories, then he believes he fed her the equivalent of 3 MRE's.

Which is around 4000 calories. My menu still stands.

[DMC]

No.

I should respond to this one individually. He still said he used 9 entrees in the glurge. Perhaps she ate one third of the meal, so he thought it was 9000 calories, since he worked with the assumption that a single one was 3000. If that's the case, it is indeed still over 4000 calories that she did eat.

He remains an asshole.

[HMS Irruncible]

Which is around 4000 calories. My menu still stands.

Your menu stated 4575 calories. 3 MRE's times 1250 calories is in fact 3750 calories. So if by "still stands" you mean "is hugely inflated", then yes, it still stands. As does your claim that he fed her 9 MRE's, which also still stands.

Which ignores the overarching point that you can't eat 3750 calories and be utterly cluess to the fact. That should tell us that we're dealing with a tiny bit of embellishment here.

[Random]

...describe his preparation of the "meal" while enumerating how many calories were in each thing.




Nope. Didn't happen. No mention whatsoever (giggling or otherwise) of how many calories were in "each thing" that he prepared.

C'mon. Try to do better. Your posts here are just as easily debunk-able as all your wild claims in the election night thread about how Bush stole the election.

(See

http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=284352&page=5&pp=50&highlight=ohio

especially responses #206, 230, 234, 583, 779, 832, 853, 858, 859 & 871.)

(BTW, I enjoyed re-reading that election night thread. Lots of great input and analysis from Dopers. Plus your posts.)

[Cisco]

Diogenes, I like you as a poster, I really do. In fact, I love it when you overreact to something Bush does, because what you say is so often exactly what I'm thinking but I don't want to say. I also really love your posts on religion.

In this thread, however, I believe you really are overreacting. The guy is an immature asshole. I wouldn't do this to someone, and I very likely would not like hanging out with this guy, but poison? No. Violent, mysoginistic, sadistic? Ummm, no, not at all, I don't see it.

And since when did "a girl you have a date with" = "someone you care about [any more than the average Joe on the street]"?

You guys also have to remember, this story is almost definitely exaggerated for "comic" effect. Even if he didn't exaggerate all the farting/shitting violently/working out "for three days" stuff, do MREs really have 3000+ calories, and could an average girl have eaten 9000+ calories without knowing something was up? I was under the impression that a pretty damn big meal was around 1000 calories typically.

[Hunter Hawk]

I should respond to this one individually. He still said he used 9 entrees in the glurge. Perhaps she ate one third of the meal, so he thought it was 9000 calories, since he worked with the assumption that a single one was 3000. If that's the case, it is indeed still over 4000 calories that she did eat.
Okay, so here's my WAG on the subject:

3 ham slice entrees: ~460 calories (http://www.millennium-ark.net/News_Files/Food/MRE_taste_test.html) total
3 pork chop entrees: Probably about the same (460 calories)
3 chicken a la king entrees: ~850 calories
8 noodle entrees: ~1500 calories (based on looking at calorie content on pasta in my cupboard)
Dessert: ~1500 calories

Total: ~4800 calories

Divide that between two people, and you get 2400 calories each--it's a lot but still not out of "big fast food meal" territory:

Double Whopper w/cheese: 1060 calories
Lg vanilla shake: 800 calories
Ling-size fries: 600 calories

Total: 2460 calories

[Hunter Hawk]

Ling-size fries: 600 calories
...and that would be King-size fries, of course.

[Brutus]

The story is BS. It has been floating around on the gun boards for some years.

And as has been mentioned, eating an entire MRE will get you about 1300 calories.

[HMS Irruncible]

I should respond to this one individually. He still said he used 9 entrees in the glurge. Perhaps she ate one third of the meal, so he thought it was 9000 calories, since he worked with the assumption that a single one was 3000. If that's the case, it is indeed still over 4000 calories that she did eat.[/.quote]

OK, first, the entree isn't the entire MRE, it's probably slighly less than half of the caloires in the MRE. Second, just because parts of 9 MRE's were on the table doesn't mean she ate a half or even a third. As I said, you can't eat that much food and not be aware of it. You just can't hide that kind of energy content. If she ate 4000 calories, which hardly seems possible, it's because the stuff tasted so damned good she couldn't get enough of it.

[quote]He remains an asshole.

Perhaps, but you remain confused.

[Cisco]

You guys also have to remember, this story is almost definitely exaggerated for "comic" effect. Even if he didn't exaggerate all the farting/shitting violently/working out "for three days" stuff, do MREs really have 3000+ calories, and could an average girl have eaten 9000+ calories without knowing something was up? I was under the impression that a pretty damn big meal was around 1000 calories typically.
Sorry, somehow didn't notice that this thread was two pages.

[Rick]

::: sigh:::
About those posion comments. MREs are food. I have eaten them. While I would not consider them ready to serve in a 4 star dining establishment, they are for sure edible. Actually the ones I've had was not bad. Better than some food I have eaten at restaurants.

My problem with this story is the calorie count. 9,000 or even 4,500 is hard to believe.
Come on people 9,000 freaking calories? That is a fucking gallon of Haagen Dazs Chocolate Ice Cream cite (http://www.calorie-count.com/calories/item/15.html) 270 calories per 1/2 cup serving. Do the freaking math people. Either the entire story is BS or she did not eat anywhere near as much food as was stated.

Several people here need new batteries for their BS detectors methings.

[Diogenes the Cynic]

Nope. Didn't happen. No mention whatsoever (giggling or otherwise) of how many calories were in "each thing" that he prepared.
Read it again, stupid fuck.
I got out my trusty case of MRE's. Meal, Ready-to-Eat. Field rations that when eaten in their entirety contain 3000+ calories. Here's what I made:...
A long, chortling description ensues about all the MRE's he's mixing together. Why did he mention how many calories each one had if it wasn't his intention to make her sick?

then this:
After explaining to her that she had eaten roughly 9,000 calories of "Army food" she turned stark white
So he DID mention the calories multiple times in a giggly, assface fashion.
C'mon. Try to do better. Your posts here are just as easily debunk-able as all your wild claims in the election night thread about how Bush stole the election.
When was anything debunked?

[Diogenes the Cynic]

By the way, if the caloriie count was inflated (and Brutus, how the fuck would you know? Cite?) then that just means the guy is a fucking liar as well as a sadistic prick. (If this guy hypothetically ever even existed which I guess he probably didn't.)

Cisco, I never said the guy was "violent." I said "misogynistc" and "sadistic" but "violent was somebody else.

[pepperlandgirl]

Thank you for your post NattoGuy. I admit that I took the claim of 9,000 calories at face value because I have no experience with MREs and that is what appalled me the most. I appreciate your explanation of what the meal probably contained--it was much more edifying than Random's screeching. I still think the guy is a massive jerk for his reaction...well, fuck, if the story is even true. *sigh* How long have I been on the Internet? Six years now? And I still get taken in by glurge occasionally....

I do disagree with your claim that nobody gets the raving farts 30 minutes after a meal. If there was something in the meal that she was allergic too then it's very possible. I know that if I eat sour cream, I can expect to run to the bathroom within 30-45 minutes. My body has a strong and immediate reaction to certain forms of dairy....

[Diogenes the Cynic]

Now I feel like an ass for getting all worked up and whooshed by some bullshit internet story. Man, I'm easy. And I pride myself on being such a hardcore skeptic...:smack:

[Askia]

Assuming this story is even true,,,,

I think the prank was funny if crude, and YMMV whether he was an asshole or not. Definitely jerkish behavior, but as he apparently ate the food as well, he's not as much of an ass as he could have been, IMO.

I agree with catsix. The level of victimhood you want to heap on this hapless girlfriend is ridiculous. So she pooped, big whoop.

[levdrakon]

I think the story is bogus. Some of you seem to be under the impression that an MRE is somehow 3-4000 calories compressed into something the size of a vitamin pill. It isn't. The contents of an MRE take up just about as much space as regular food. So, if this girl can physically wolf down 4000-9000 calorie's worth of food, then intestinal distress is probably something she's already familiar with. She's a cow!

Also, Civilian MREs have around 800-900 calories per meal. Military MREs have 1300 calories per meal. http://www.mreinfo.com/civilian-mres.html That's when they're eaten in their entirety.

[Astroboy14]

Good OG!

Take a deep breath, people!

The story came from a joke e-mail glurge list... it's probably either complete BS or at the very least wildly exaggerated. Nothing to get your knickers in a twist about. It wasn't even particularly humorous.

I agree that the guy comes off as a bit of a dickweed; but that's his problem, not ours.

And for the record, I bought a few MREs on the black market a few years ago in Korea... they were pretty tasty, I though. I've eaten worse stuff on camping trips. ;)

[shijinn]

so the story is made up and the facts wrong, so what? the reactions on this thread where some believed what the guy did is ok is real enough.

will the girl ever trust his cooking again? (if they remain friends in the first place) No. so obviously he did something very objectionable, and 'asshole' about sums it up.

... I'm honestly baffled that people think it's ok to fuck with other people's digestive systems, for any reason. ...

[DMC]

OK, first, the entree isn't the entire MRE, it's probably slighly less than half of the caloires in the MRE. Second, just because parts of 9 MRE's were on the table doesn't mean she ate a half or even a third. As I said, you can't eat that much food and not be aware of it. You just can't hide that kind of energy content. If she ate 4000 calories, which hardly seems possible, it's because the stuff tasted so damned good she couldn't get enough of it.

No, the entree isn't the entire MRE. If you had read the original post, you would have noticed that the meal consisted of 9 entrees, 8 packets of noodles, rice, some cheese concoction, about half of the desserts from the 9 MREs, etc. He also added powdered sugar and olive oil to the menu. If this story is indeed true, and if she did eat a third or more of it, she consumed a lot more calories than a standard fast food meal contains.

If this story is BS, then it doesn't really matter, but unless you can come up with a cite for the caloric content of specific items in each packet of an MRE, I'll stick with my posts.

[HMS Irruncible]

If this story is indeed true, and if she did eat a third or more of it, she consumed a lot more calories than a standard fast food meal contains.

OK, I'll buy "more than a standard fast food meal" contains. But you need to understand that contrary to military legend, there's nothing specially engineered about MRE's that makes them like some kind of huge Jetsons meal-in-a-pill. I've eaten enough of them to know. When you've had enough, you feel full. If you eat the equivalent of 3 MRE's, it's because you intended to be a glutton. So the final verdict is no caloric malfeasance on the guy's part.

(aside from it being a email whoosh and all)

[threemae]

I think the story is bogus. Some of you seem to be under the impression that an MRE is somehow 3-4000 calories compressed into something the size of a vitamin pill. It isn't. The contents of an MRE take up just about as much space as regular food. So, if this girl can physically wolf down 4000-9000 calorie's worth of food, then intestinal distress is probably something she's already familiar with. She's a cow!

Also, Civilian MREs have around 800-900 calories per meal. Military MREs have 1300 calories per meal. http://www.mreinfo.com/civilian-mres.html That's when they're eaten in their entirety.
Absolutely. Although the mists of mystery swirl around MRE's, they are food. Ya' know, like what you ate for dinner tonight?

Stupid Boy Scouts like to refer to them reverently as "calorie bombs," as if they were manufactured out of hydrocarbons or C4 or something, but they are made up of the same macronutrients that everything else is, protein, fat, and carbohydrate. Nothing magic.

If a woman can actually get down 9,000 calories of MRE in a single day, well, scratch that, just no-one can. Hell, in the Tour de France, most riders do what, under 8,000 calories?

Believe me, if you ate 9,000 calories in a single day, you'd sure as hell know it well before you stopped. It is fun to see everyone get their panties in a twist over this horrid misogyny.

[levdrakon]

Just for fun, let's look at Kraft Macaroni & Cheese. That's a nice, high calorie casserole type dish, not too different from what our evil misogynist prepared.

One box, prepared, contains 780 calories. So, in order to ingest 9000 calories, our girl ate over 11 boxes of Mac & Cheese. By accident. Unknowingly. Girlfriend can eat!

[jester21]

ok... let me disclaim this post, cuz I didn't take a full hour to read through ALL the posts... mostly page one....

but put me on the checklist with Haj and Catsix....

I thought the original story was fucking hilarious

and all you pussy ass liberals and man-hating lesbians who are OUTRAGED by the story are even funnier!

I was literally crying reading this thread... but i wanted to post before I lost my train of thought.


1. MRE's while loaded w/ calories and harsh on the system for those who are used to a 'delicate' diet are still edible and hardly poisonous.

2. INTENTIONALLY setting out to give someone diarrhea would generally be considered an asshole thing to do... it wasn't implied as such... but even still... the story itself, even if untrue if FUCKING FUNNY.

I think a whole lot of you are simply looking for an excuse to rant against: Men, military, non-liberals, sex-offenders (granted, not in this thread, but it's been running rampant of late), and generally, anyone who duzn't agree with your views.

Y'all should apply for Mod's and Admins for the straight dope. Y'all seem to meet the requirements quite well.

And, for any who are offended by my position... fire away. This is the Pit after all :)

[Malacandra]

Yanno, it is most disappointing, insofar as anything can be disappointing when it is so fucking predictable you could have bet hard cash on it, to see that the instant Dio disagrees with catsix he must needs accuse her of hating her own gender. :rolleyes:

I'm taking bets on how long it is before catsix asserts that two plus two makes four, and gets ragged on for misogyny on the strength of it :rolleyes:^3

As to the whole "poisoned" thing: :rolleyes:^100! If he'd intentionally set out to create something revolting, there'd be a case. If he'd intentionally spiked it with laxatives, ditto. Even if he'd set out to fix a meal that was edible only to someone with a cast-iron stomach. Feeding meat protein to a vegan, milk protein to a lactose-intolerant, sugar to a diabetic... sure, I'll agree that's tantamount to poisoning and sick into the bargain. Less severe, but still beyond the pale, would be for me to fix one of you Yanks a Brit delicacy such as stuffed hearts, steak and kidney pudding, black pudding or haggis (all of which are delectable, I might add) and watch your reaction after you'd happily munched it down and I told you what it was. (Disclaimer: Many Americans undoubtedly have sophisticated cosmopolitan palates and would enjoy any of the preceding. I write as I have found on a number of the Brit food threads, and I know they are not conclusive proof of the gustatory preferences of an entire continent.)

But what we've got here is food intended to be not only edible but as innocuous as possible, since I imagine the US military does not set out to visit its personnel with digestive upsets on a regular basis. Yes, the calorie content as advertise is egregious, but anyone seriously imagining that it's going to make someone gravely ill is in need of a phrenologist. To call it "poisoning" is a severe stretch. To call it "misogyny" is a stretch too, unless you can actually show that he's laughing at what he's done to her because she is a woman. The question is, would the guy have got an equally big belly laugh over a male acquaintance with an equally drastic case of the farty shits? I suspect the answer might be "yes" - and he'd let the guy get his own Immodium, too.

---Assuming for the sake of the above that there was a shred of truth in the story--

[clairobscur]

The guy's an asshole. He didn't poison anyone. He didn't do anything violent. I don't see where he hates women. He's just an sophomoric asshole.


Exactly my opinion.

[Excalibre]

Once again, the intentions behind the meal are a secondary point. His reaction to her illnes, in itself, is sufficient for us to render a verdict of assholery.

And what kind of prick goes on the internet to revel in his girlfriend's humilation and suffering?
I can support this.

[Rilchiam]

The story is BS. It has been floating around on the gun boards for some years.



Ahh. So it's like The Steakhouse Incident, which I've never been convinced is true either.

[Scumpup]

1. The story is BS.

2. Even if the story were not BS, MRE's aren't poisonous. I served in the military during the transition period from C-rations (canned food) to MRE's. So, I have eaten more than a few MRE's. Other than the packaging, retort pouches instead of cans, there is no great difference. The actual food isn't terribly different from what you get in cans from the grocery store. Meat from MRE's is very similar in texture and flavor to commercial canned meat, for example.
All of the bitching about the MRE's I heard in the Army had to do with the fact that the food was bland, was often eaten cold, and there was limited variety. Since then, I understand that a chemical heater has been added to MRE packs,so that they need not be eaten cold any more. No doubt they are still bland and in limited variety.

[Duke]

1) He's got a whole case of MRE's. MRE's are expensive. Not many people would have a case of MRE's in their house unless it were free.
2) Mention of the little-known "Ranger Pudding" technique.
3) The fact that he'd think to put several hours preparation into improving an MRE
4) The fact that he's got a girlfriend who didn't dump him over this stunt.

Put it all together... that spells Ranger to me. Either you'll agree or you won't. I have never been in the military, but I knew the "Ranger Pudding" technique--it's not like it's Top Secret. (Even the Army ROTC guys I knew in college knew about it--or at least similiar "mixes"--which is where I heard it from.)

I was going to post a bit more, but apparently the story is bogus, so I won't bother.

[jester21]

1. The story is BS.

2. Even if the story were not BS, MRE's aren't poisonous. I served in the military during the transition period from C-rations (canned food) to MRE's. So, I have eaten more than a few MRE's. Other than the packaging, retort pouches instead of cans, there is no great difference. The actual food isn't terribly different from what you get in cans from the grocery store. Meat from MRE's is very similar in texture and flavor to commercial canned meat, for example.
All of the bitching about the MRE's I heard in the Army had to do with the fact that the food was bland, was often eaten cold, and there was limited variety. Since then, I understand that a chemical heater has been added to MRE packs,so that they need not be eaten cold any more. No doubt they are still bland and in limited variety.


actually back around 91 they did a major upgrade to them. (heaters and more variety, not to mention taste)... then maybe 5 years ago or so they did another upgrade. Supposedly went and hired actual chefs and stuff to make up the formulas (or so i heard at the time). They added more variety and the taste of them was improved a bit. So, a modern MRE is actually not too bad tasting.

As far as calories go, you only get 3000 calories per MRE (or what ever it is) if you eat EVERYTHING in them. The high calorie items are the candy/treat and cool-aid pack and sugar and high calorie bread item.

If you stick w/ just the meal packet, it's considerably less.

Also, the high calories are for a PURPOSE. The average army grunt out in the field is working a HELL of a lot harder than the average peep who's bitching about MRE's on a message board. So they NEED the extra calories so they don't burn out. Average Joe Schmoe, one FULL MRE would suffice for the day. And, i've never gotten the shits from them.... bound up a little though.

[Anaamika]

I read the whole thread, and just wanted to put in my two cents.

The story is BS, MREs aren't poisonous, it may have been a funny story to a point, but if a guy in my life ever laughed his fool head off at me and then posted it on the Internet to brag about it and show off what a funny funny guy he was then we'd probably be quits.

I don't like pranks/practical jokers anyway, I think they're juvenile.

However, it seems the girl has less of a problem with jokes and pranks. Can't we just all put it down to differences of opinion? She finds poop comedy funny, even if it's her own, I would be mortified.

[catsix]

Malacandra said:
I'm taking bets on how long it is before catsix asserts that two plus two makes four, and gets ragged on for misogyny on the strength of it

Something similar to that has happened to me before. I'm an engineer, so my life's about math, science, logical rules, and hard data. I was actually told by some nutwack on the now-defunct CNN Women in Society forum that 'mathematics is misogyny because it feeds men's need for strict rules and does not foster the women's needs for feeling and lattitude.'

Wild, eh?

Anaamika said:
However, it seems the girl has less of a problem with jokes and pranks. Can't we just all put it down to differences of opinion? She finds poop comedy funny, even if it's her own, I would be mortified.

It's the different strokes thing. I would probably laugh and then tell some mildly embarassing bodily function story about the guy.

[missbunny]

I haven't read the whole thread yet. But I have two questions:

1. If one MRE is supposed to be 3,000 calories, and a soldier is supposed to eat, presumably, three meals per day, does this mean that the military considers 9,000 calories per day normal for a soldier? Or are they supposed to eat only one MRE per day?

2. If the total of the food he made really did comprise 9,000 calories - well, she didn't eat the whole thing by herself, did she? And were the plates licked clean? Did they eat every single bite?

Frankly I have a hard time believing that one MRE is 3,000 calories. The description sure doesn't sound like 3,000 calories of food. If anyone has a box in front of them, perhaps they could confirm the nutritional content?

I still think he did a mean thing, no matter what. Why someone would feel the need to play such a joke on anyone, let alone his GIRLFRIEND, is beyond me.

[kanicbird]

The only thing I find that was truly wrong is the mix of Vodka, which I assume is 80 proof, and powdered electrolyte, which I assume makes it 79 proof, and passing it off as wine, which may be 1/2 that proof.

To boot letting her drink 4 glasses of it.

[Cisco]

I haven't read the whole thread yet. But I have two questions:
Maybe you should read the thread.

[catsix]

She's an adult right? And probably capable (I hope) of telling the difference in taste between vodka and table wine.

It's up to her to control her alcohol intake, not up to him to play baby sitter and tell her how much she's allowed to have.

[missbunny]

No, the entree isn't the entire MRE. If you had read the original post, you would have noticed that the meal consisted of 9 entrees, 8 packets of noodles, <snip>


Okay, now I have read the thread.

So we are expected to believe that this one girl ate all that? Or even half that?

That would be the same as her eating, say, four steaks and four plates of pasta, plus whatever other gunk he put in, at one meal? And not noticing that that was a boatload of food?

Anyway, this supposed event is email glurge. Why believe it when almost nobody on this board believes any of the other email glurge that we post and laugh at every day?

[Scumpup]

Wikipedia has a good article on MRE's (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/MRE) that includes a surprising amount of history. It also lists calorie content as 1200 Calories per ration.

[Boldface Type]

If a woman can actually get down 9,000 calories of MRE in a single day, well, scratch that, just no-one can. Hell, in the Tour de France, most riders do what, under 8,000 calories?

Believe me, if you ate 9,000 calories in a single day, you'd sure as hell know it well before you stopped. It is fun to see everyone get their panties in a twist over this horrid misogyny.

IIRC, TDF riders can sustain an intake of c.6,000kcal/day, as cited in Noakes' Lore of Running book. The person with the most impressive sustained calorie intake is the ultrarunner Yiannis Kouros who (again IIRC) could sustain an intake of c.8,000kcal/day for several days of continual running.

If the woman in the story could take in 9,000kcal in one sitting, then she is either the size of a small planet or it was a leisurely meal, taking several days to complete while she jogged around the table.

I found the story funny - it was obviously either completely invented, or exaggerated for comic effect. I'm surprised at the gullibility of the participants in this thread.

[Amazon Floozy Goddess]

What the fuck kind of asshole fucks with someone like this, especially to someone they're supposed to care about? I wouldn't have done this shit to my worst enemy. You think it's funny fucking with someone's stomach like this? This email wasn't funny, Ernie. It was extremely disturbing.

Who knows, though. Maybe I'm overreacting.

Adam

I don't think you're overreacting. That's messed up.

I had my gallbladder out a few years ago, and it made my system kind of irritable - If I have a bit too much scalloped potatoes, for instance, it's Montezuma's Revenge for me that night.

If Mr. AFG did to me what this guy did to his girlfriend (and I know he wouldn't), he'd be out on his ass in the cold so fast. I would NOT find that funny.

I've been to EHOWA and there's some funny stuff on there, but this isn't one of those things.

[Amazon Floozy Goddess]

Whoops - looks like I skimmed a bit. Seems the story's most likely bogus. Scary thing is though, I don't doubt that there's some wacko out there who could possibly try this, and there's gotta be a nutjob reading this somewhere, thinking, "Ha ha! I'm gonna do that!"

[Zeriel]

He's an asshole. He says twice in his glurge (and quite specifically) that she alone consumed 9,000 calories, but I'll even be nice and go along with this unsupported assertion that he meant half of that. Here's a 4500ish calorie meal:

2 Big Mac - 1120
2 Large Fries - 1040
6 Krispy Kremes, glazed - 1200
Budweiser (3 bottles) - 435
Butter (1 stick) - 780

Double that menu if he's actually telling the truth about how much she ate. Is there anyone who could put that away in a single sitting without being, at the very least, physically ill for a few days?

Complete aside: I can, if you sub out the butter for more fries and some bbq sauce. =P

[kanicbird]

She's an adult right? And probably capable (I hope) of telling the difference in taste between vodka and table wine.

It's up to her to control her alcohol intake, not up to him to play baby sitter and tell her how much she's allowed to have.

Well Alcohol is a drug, and by your reasoning you could justify slipping acid into someone's koolaid. Sorry I don't buy it.

It's not up to him to babysit, but he does have some responsibility, such as not intentionally misrepresenting a high proof drink for a low one, especially as the taste was intentionally misrepresented, and vodka + cherry electrolyte is not a common drink that people have experence with.

With thess factors, I would place full blame on him if she took in a lethal does, which it would seem she may have been approaing very quickly.

I'm not saying she shouldn't take respnsibility, if she notices she is getting hammered, but the quick intake along w/ the electrolytes, and food may have delayed this till it's too late.

As for the dinner, I have no issues with it. If he slipped exlax into her food, then yes, but that doesn't seem to be the case.

[catsix]

kanicbird said:
Well Alcohol is a drug, and by your reasoning you could justify slipping acid into someone's koolaid. Sorry I don't buy it.

It's not up to him to babysit, but he does have some responsibility, such as not intentionally misrepresenting a high proof drink for a low one, especially as the taste was intentionally misrepresented, and vodka + cherry electrolyte is not a common drink that people have experence with.

Who on earth wouldn't notice that the drink in the decanter tasted nothing like wine and a lot like vodka? Even mixed with things, vodka has a distinctive taste. And as far as 'misrepresenting' it, it's not like he put it into an empty bottle that used to contain wine, or told her that it was non-alcoholic.

My impression was that he didn't intend it to be mistaken for wine, he referred to it as 'makeshift wine' because most people drink wine rather than vodka with their dinner.

[Shodan]

So nobody noticed that when the girlfriend dug into the dessert, she said, "Mm! Chocolate mousse!"

So either she thinks chocolate mousse is low-calorie, in which case she is too dumb to be a Ranger's girlfriend, or all the crap y'all are pitching about how the Ranger poisoned her with a mega-calorie meal without her knowing about it, is bullshit.

I've eaten MREs. They can't be used as poison.

It's a bullshit story. And most of you are over-reacting to it.

Sheesh.

Regards,
Shodan

[Bippy the Beardless]

Link about contents of MRE's (http://www.usariem.army.mil/nutri/appenda.htm)

[Guinastasia]

So it seems even Dopers aren't immune to falling for urban legends. *sigh*

[kanicbird]

And as far as 'misrepresenting' it, it's not like he put it into an empty bottle that used to contain wine, or told her that it was non-alcoholic.

from the OP:
), and put the alcoholic drink in a crystal wine decanter.

If the story it true or not, it really doesn't matter. I see the only thing he did wrong was to basically spike her drink, you disagree, I can live with that.
:)

[Diogenes the Cynic]

I will say again that the character's intentions in making the meal do not matter. He's STILL a fucking dickrag just for laughing at his girlfriend's illness and suffering, He's a DOUBLE dickrag for gloating about it on the internet.

(I know the story is bullshit. The CHARACTER is a dickrag)

[kanicbird]

He's STILL a fucking dickrag just for laughing at his girlfriend's illness and suffering, He's a DOUBLE dickrag for gloating about it on the internet.


I somehow missed this, though sometimes you can't help laughing even if you also are concerned. But (if this really happened) he would be a richardrag for posting the story w/o her consent.

[HMS Irruncible]

I do disagree with your claim that nobody gets the raving farts 30 minutes after a meal. If there was something in the meal that she was allergic too then it's very possible. I know that if I eat sour cream, I can expect to run to the bathroom within 30-45 minutes. My body has a strong and immediate reaction to certain forms of dairy....

Not experiencing foaming raving farts 30 minutes after eating, I must defer to those who do. My apologies to the unfortunates who lack that tiny little enzyme.
However, I don't think that's really what was at work in the story.

[Malacandra]

Something similar to that has happened to me before. I'm an engineer, so my life's about math, science, logical rules, and hard data. I was actually told by some nutwack on the now-defunct CNN Women in Society forum that 'mathematics is misogyny because it feeds men's need for strict rules and does not foster the women's needs for feeling and lattitude.'

Wild, eh?


Wild, with a side order of idiotic, not to mention extremely insulting to all the women who could kick my butt (mathematically speaking), for a start.

But then we live in a world in which (no cite) Naomi Wolf's book The Beauty Myth was slated for being "exclusionary towards women who are unable to read". (Please note the lack of a significant comma after the word "women" before you -- not you, catsix -- get on my case about women's literacy.) Wild, indeed.

[BoBettie]

Oh, and need I make mention of the incredible strain this must've had on her pancreas? This is why we are told to eat six smaller meals a day: it's easier on the pancreas. If she had a weak one, it could've torn itself to pieces.

Adam


This is probably the funniest think I've read in ages. I just ate a huge meal- OH, MY ACHING PANCREAS!!!!!!!!!!

[Dogzilla]

Be careful, now, Zette you don't want that sucker to, what was it, shred itself. Do you?

I just wanted to "add" that I'm a vegetarian. Slip a teeny little bit of chicken stock into that sauce or broccoli soup, and my digestive system will inform me of it, violently, within 30-40 minutes. Just a data point to back up pepperlandgirl and say, yes. Some people can have explosive diarrhea within an hour of eating the thing that makes them sick.

How that's actually relevant to the OP? ::shrugs::

[BoBettie]

Be careful, now, Zette you don't want that sucker to, what was it, shred itself. Do you?

I just wanted to "add" that I'm a vegetarian. Slip a teeny little bit of chicken stock into that sauce or broccoli soup, and my digestive system will inform me of it, violently, within 30-40 minutes. Just a data point to back up pepperlandgirl and say, yes. Some people can have explosive diarrhea within an hour of eating the thing that makes them sick.

How that's actually relevant to the OP? ::shrugs::

Speaking of near instant explosive runs, people sensitive to Olestra will have very quick reactions, as will lactose intolerant folks. I had a small shake with my lunch one day and let me just say I BARELY made it into the mall next door before running to the bathroom. Maybe it was just my pancreas screaming!

[catsix]

Malacandra said:
Wild, with a side order of idiotic, not to mention extremely insulting to all the women who could kick my butt (mathematically speaking), for a start.

Yes. I believe I was called a traitor to my gender or a man pretending to be a woman because I am an engineer who happens to be female. It was a surreal experience to say the least.

[Bad News Baboon]

The whole story just reeked of Internet bullshit to me, so for laughs I looked it up:

Chicken a la king was discontinued in '93/94

http://www.globalsecurity.org/military/systems/ground/mre.htm
The wikipedia link confirms this as well.

So I guess his case was sitting around for at least 10 years?

Then this site:
http://www.mreinfo.com/mre-menu-2002.html

lists that only entree (country captain chicken) had buttered noodles.
MRE cases, as best as I know, come 12 to a case with 6 varieties (2 each). He states to only have one case, so you do the math.

Only two entrees had pound cake as a desert.

None list electrolytes as a drink (although they do have a listed item as "bevarage base powder" )

Further, I grew up in a base town (El Paso) and most of my friends had parents in the army. I do not ever recall seeing any "air freshener" as listed. I saw loads of other army supplies around the house, but not that.

Lastly, I think that the guy wasn't laughing at the pain and agony of his girlfriend, he was laughing because (say in Beevis and Butthead voice) "heh heh, she farted" but that's just my take on it.

[romansperson]

Further, I grew up in a base town (El Paso) and most of my friends had parents in the army. I do not ever recall seeing any "air freshener" as listed. I saw loads of other army supplies around the house, but not that.

While I agree that the story in the OP is almost surely bullshit and I suspected as much from the start, there is in fact milspec air freshener (though whether there is any that is orange scented, I don't know). We had some in the women's head in the building I worked in when I worked for the Navy. It came in an aerosol can, and the kind we had was just awful - it had an overpowering floral smell to it. Smelled worse than the shit, actually.

[krisolov]

The story was pretty funny. The overreactions to the story are fucking hilarious. Pancreas damage? You're fucking killing me, man.

He fed her food. It upset her belly and she was embarrassed. I'd be a little more caring about it but then again I'm a pussy compared to a Ranger. It even said in the story that the girlfriend thought it was funny a few days later.

Look, he thought it would be funny to cook her a meal and have her love it and think that he was Mr. Gorumet all of a sudden. Then he would reveal to her later that made MREs. So she had an upset belly at the end which he didn't intend and couldn't have reasonably forseen. Whatever. The same thing happens to me whenever I eat too many onions or food that's too spicy. It's not the end of the world.

Keep it up. I need a good laugh.

Haj
Oh, sanity at last! Couldn't have said it better myself.
I've eaten many, many an MRE. They are designed to load you up on calories. Some people have reactions like his girlfriend, which is unfortunate. Is he an asshole for laughing about it? Yeah, probably. But cooking a meal of MREs is certainly NOT in and of itsself evidence of bad intent. Hell, my kids have eaten some of my extra MREs and loved them. Does that make me a child abuser? Puhlease.

[Bad News Baboon]

While I agree that the story in the OP is almost surely bullshit and I suspected as much from the start, there is in fact milspec air freshener (though whether there is any that is orange scented, I don't know). We had some in the women's head in the building I worked in when I worked for the Navy. It came in an aerosol can, and the kind we had was just awful - it had an overpowering floral smell to it. Smelled worse than the shit, actually.

Thanks for clearing that part up.

Was it a green can with stencil looking letters, because that is how I picture it looking in my mind.

I tried to find some online but wasn't able to.

[galt]

I'm still trying to figure out how catsix is a misogynist for basically saying, "meh. I'd eat MRE's." That was one of the most unsupportable, ridiculous leaps of logic I've seen in a while.

PS. I THINK MY PANCREAS IS TEARING ITSELF TO PIECES. No wait, I'm just really full.

[Diogenes the Cynic]

I'm still trying to figure out how catsix is a misogynist for basically saying, "meh. I'd eat MRE's." That was one of the most unsupportable, ridiculous leaps of logic I've seen in a while.

PS. I THINK MY PANCREAS IS TEARING ITSELF TO PIECES. No wait, I'm just really full.
I called her a misogynist for stating that a sadist would be an appealing choice for a partner.

[danceswithcats]

Dio this is a case where shutting up would be the best thing to do. You got your knickers in a wad over an imaginary story, and continuing to dig won't result in your elevation being raised.

[Diogenes the Cynic]

I was just correcting a lie, You may fucko off now.

[danceswithcats]

I was just correcting a lie, You may fucko off now.

Attacking other posters in a thread based on BS fights ignorance in what way? Since Valentine's Day is coming, lemme lean over in my chair and blow you a nice kiss.

[adhemar]

I think this is guy is a jerk but i just gotta ask here to the people who are saying that he messed her up by fixing this high calorie meal and are likening it to feeding sugar to a diabetic or milk to someone lactose intolerant. Excuse me? 1) he didn't force feed any of this to her, she ate it willingly. 2) these calories were not disguised, pork chops, rice and pudding all are high in calories. If this chick had eaten a regular sized meal, she couldn't have eaten 4500 calories, If she pigged out, she bears some of the responsibility. Unless she had a known problem with eating pork or starch, the jerk can't be blamed for "poisoning" her and if she did have a known problem then she is the one who ate it. If he fixed her a dinner of chicken kiev, pasta salad and chocolate trifle, it would have had the same effect, would you be saying she was poisoned then? The fact that he found her illness to be so funny is the part that makes me cringe but then again i work with a bunch of folks who think that fart jokes are the funniest thing in the world (a cartoon clip of farting dinosaurs had them falling all over the floor over and over again). Not someone I would want to date but not a sadistic misogynist at least by this evidence.

[adhemar]

Damn, always a day late and a dollar short. All of that had already been said, dissected, raked back together, and stomped on all over again. My apologies for being redundant.

[Crafter_Man]

I am active in the militia and have eaten MRE's on countless occasions. Even my wife and kids have eaten them. I may be in a minority here, but I think most of them are actually good.

I've never known anyone to get diarrhea from them. The opposite is more common: they tend to plug you up. (We call them Meals Refusing to Exit.) In fact, they're designed to be constipating. (In a battle, you should be fighting, not shitting.) And that's why it's always important to chew the gum that’s included with the MRE: it contains medicine to help relieve constipation.

[HMS Irruncible]

I called her a misogynist for stating that a sadist would be an appealing choice for a partner.

You misspelled "masochist."

[Tripler]

Well, seeing as how this thread basically skipped the rails and had a 28-car pileup, I do have to agree with Crafter_man for a bit.

MREs aren't that bad. They're pretty darned good, but they put too much crap into the pouch. I end up stripping the entree and spoon out and throwing 'em into my pack (which is what a lot of guys do). I do however carry a 12 oz. bottle of Tabasco sauce. . .

But this is the Pit, and I must pull out some propane: I am absolutely shocked at all of you people that continue to flame glurgle. It's been established several times over that this is garbage, yet people are getting all hot and bothered that a guy would ever do that to a "first date". :rolleyes:

Until y'all hear of it firsthand, freakin' Jeez, take a break!

Tripler
There's my two cents. Here's your $0.98 change.

[galt]

I called her a misogynist for stating that a sadist would be an appealing choice for a partner.Well, that's pretty odd, considering she obviously didn't state that. She doesn't think that what the guy did makes him a sadist.