Why do you think you're ugly? [Archive] - Straight Dope Message Board

Knorf

02-13-2005, 12:44 PM

Inspired by this (http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=301424&page=1&pp=50) thread, in which many lovely, beautiful, attractive, striking, handsome people erroneously claim ugliness, plainness, or unattractiveness for themselves.

Some may be fishing for compliments.

However, I suspect that most really do have a poor self-image about their own physical appeal, and that this was the product of a lot of negative reinforcement, and comparing oneself to some imaginary and impossibly lofty notions of physical beauty. I've met a number of people who genuinely think poorly of their looks as well, but are beautiful nevertheless. This is not an uncommon thing.

So, how many of you have (or had) negative thoughts about your looks?

How many have gradually been able to overcome negative reinforcement and realize how attractive you really are? How did this come about?

How do you really help others realize how attractive they actually are?

I'll go first. I was told repeatedly in high school that I was ugly. It's taken years, and numerous lovely women (and, interestingly, a few gay men) telling me that I'm a good looking guy, for it to gradually sink in that maybe, just maybe, they might be right. Certainly the aforementioned thread helped as well.

Anaamika

02-13-2005, 12:53 PM

I'm just jumping in here to say:

First of all, I don't think I'm ugly.

Secondly, it's a ridiculous thought to have about yourself. Forget about whether you really are. Forget about whether or not you don't have a soulmate, or you're alone, or people keep dumping you, or you don't match up to the stereotypes of beauty.

I'm here to tell you that if you think you're ugly, you will become ugly. Your mother was right. Negative thoughts in the mind really do affect your apearance. Attractiveness is miles away from physical beauty.

So, chin up! Think happy thoughts! I know this sounds trite, but it works on two levels: if you think unhappy thoughts, you'll be unhappy (duh) and once again, be less attractive!

cuauhtemoc

02-13-2005, 01:16 PM

I was told repeatedly in high school that I was ugly.
I was told repeatedly in nursery school, grammar school, middle school, and of course high school that I was... well, they didn't usually say "ugly". It was mostly that I was fat. But if I weren't chubby it would've been something else. The fact is that I was probably a difficult kid to get along with. I didn't work and play well with others in my own age group. I stood out. And with kids, if you don't go along with the crowd, they'll tear you limb from limb and devour you like a pack of wolves.

So I don't think I'm ugly, I don't even think I'm all that fat. But deep down, I still believe I'm unlikeable and unpleasant to be around. So when somebody says "Call me," I don't call them, because I don't really believe they want me to call them. When somebody invites me out, I think it's because they feel sorry for me. It takes a long time for me to actually believe with confidence that someone genuinely likes me and wants me around. And once I'm convinced, that confidence can vanish in half a heartbeat.

In summary, even though I don't think I'm ugly, I'm deeply ashamed of myself and I don't know how to make the shame go away. Believe me, there are very few things I wouldn't do to improve my self-image, I just don't know how.

Ephemera

02-13-2005, 02:35 PM

I think I'm ugly because of my weight and complexion. If I were able to lose about 40% of my mass and get my skin cleared up, I think I'd actually be fairly handsome although still not a knockout.

Alice The Goon

02-13-2005, 03:12 PM

I used to think I was ugly. The fact was, I had "adult" features as a child, and I had to grow into them. I was unpopular and picked on in elementary and junior high, and pretty much left alone (very) in high school. I always had a nice body, though, so at least I wasn't tortured for being fat.
I really believe, and I've said so before, that for most women who struggle with their looks, it's not really until your 30's that it becomes easier to accept them and even come to love them. Then life becomes easier.
I now think that I'm attractive, and more than standard cookie-cutter "good looks", I possess sex appeal and an attractiveness that comes from having wisdom and confidence. Yes, there are some areas that could use some improvement, but by no means do I think I'm ugly anymore. My photo is on page 1 (I think) of the photo thread.
I do often wonder, though, how it would be to go through life just obviously and painfully butt-ugly. The kind of ugly that announces itself; ugliness beyond the reach of any makeup or product. Man, that would suck.

SolGrundy

02-13-2005, 03:18 PM

I think a couple dozen years of being nerdy and chubby and gay will do a number on the self-esteem. They all add up to "can't get a girlfriend," and when you don't want to admit that it's your "immoral and disgusting perversion" that's keeping you from wanting to have a girlfriend, the only thing left to do is think that it's your ugliness that's keeping the chicks away.

If we could get rid of the stigma attached to being gay, then at least there'd be one less of the ten million things people have to hate about themselves.

scr4

02-13-2005, 03:19 PM

I know I'm ugly. There's a fairly convincing study that says symmetry is an important part of being beautiful/handsome. My jaw is asymmetric, as a result of one tooth growing somewhat to the side which never got corrected. (Orthodontics is very underrated in Japan where I grew up.)

I also know I'm unattractive because I have issues with self-confidence. Which is a vicious cycle, but there it is.

How many have gradually been able to overcome negative reinforcement and realize how attractive you really are? How did this come about?
Can't answer that...

sweetfreak

02-13-2005, 03:54 PM

I'm here to tell you that if you think you're ugly, you will become ugly. Your mother was right. Negative thoughts in the mind really do affect your apearance. Attractiveness is miles away from physical beauty.

There is some truth to what you have said here, but facts are facts. If you have one thick eyebrow growing across your forehead, that's ugly. If you have a huge pimple about to explode on the bridge of your nose, that's ugly. If you have teeth missing from the front of your mouth, that's ugly. If your skin is sagging and wrinkled on various parts of your body, that's ugly. Some of these things you may be able to fix with some time, money, and effort. But no matter how you FEEL about yourself, most of society is going to consider those flaws I have mentioned as ugly.

Now, to answer the original OP. I think I am ugly sometimes, other times I don't. It depends on how many pimples I have that day. ;)

Anaamika

02-13-2005, 04:33 PM

Yes, but you need to stop worrying about what society tells you. One giant pimple doesn't make you ugly inside and out. Society has the wrong stereotypes about beauty, and the more people that stop adopting it, the more we have a chance of valuing people for whom they are.

I'm saying ugly doesn't have to mean what ugly conventionally means. If youa re beautiful but cruel, your beauty is not going to save you in most people's eyes. Maybe for a while, but eventually the beauty will wear off.

Plus don't forget, beauty fades with age. People who have been together 50 years, you think they're now ugly to each other?

We have a wrong attitude, that's all I'm saying.

sweetfreak

02-13-2005, 04:56 PM

Yes, but you need to stop worrying about what society tells you. One giant pimple doesn't make you ugly inside and out. Society has the wrong stereotypes about beauty, and the more people that stop adopting it, the more we have a chance of valuing people for whom they are.

I agree. It's just easier said then done.
I am the first person to give someone a compliment. The reason why? I was pretty much the ugly duckling all through my childhood and teenage years. When I became an adult, and started receiving compliments on how attractive I was, I realized how much people's opinions of you make a difference in your self-esteem.
Yes, beauty comes from within. What other people think of you should not matter. However, I know it does. That is why I always try to be nice and compliment people. I know how it makes me feel to receive one, so much the better if I can make someone else feel the same way.

Zebra

02-13-2005, 06:14 PM

I dont' think I'm ugly.

But

I'm not very attractive.

I don't attract attention from the opposite sex, well or the same even, very often. I guess I'm kind of plain.

Miss Purl McKnittington

02-13-2005, 06:19 PM

I used to think I was a big, gigantic pile of blah. Then, about a year ago, I had this epiphany (http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=230632). Screw unrealistic expectations of beauty -- I'm pretty damn fine the way I am. So what if my thighs jiggle? That can be changed, even if my love of napping and Three Musketeers may prove an impediment.

I guess I'm lucky in that no one's ever told me I was ugly, except for my brothers during arguments, and that doesn't count because they're poopy-heads anyway. My mother was actually shocked when I told her I didn't like the way I looked. She looked at me and said, "Honey, every time I look at you, I can't help but think what a pretty daughter your dad and I have. I think we did pretty good when we made you.*" I already knew that she was proud of me for what I had done and who I was, but it was still nice to know that she thought I was beautiful and accomplished.

I'm just me. And being me is not a bad thing by a long shot.

*My mother was meant to write scripts for Lifetime movies. It's amazing how things like these come out of her mouth.

kimera

02-13-2005, 06:22 PM

So, how many of you have (or had) negative thoughts about your looks?

How many have gradually been able to overcome negative reinforcement and realize how attractive you really are? How did this come about?

How do you really help others realize how attractive they actually are?

When I was in grade school I was the ugly one. My mom has/had no sense of fashion and I went to a private school where all the other girls wore designer clothes and went to Disneyland over winter break and Disneyworld for spring break. I was also a huge nerd and read books instead of playing with the other kids. I was constantly told that I was ugly, ugly, ugly. It wasn't just my classmates either, but the kids in my neighborhood. Once I was walking home from the pool and these guys started barking at me all the way down the street.

No one ever called me cute other than my parents. If everyone said I was ugly, even random people on the street, then I must be, huh?

When I went to grade school, it was a different set of people but I still suffered from low self-esteem due to my looks. I got a boyfriend but he never gave me compliments. I was a huge tomboy and hung out with the boys instead of wearing makeup and caring about girly things. No one ever called me sexy. Cute, yes, sexy no. It didn't bother me at all, I already thought I was ugly.

Then I went to college and went to an anime convention. I got a ton of attention. All of sudden guys were noticing me and I was the hot one. I dressed up as an anime character and lots of people called me "cute" but they ment it in a "I'd date you" more then an "awww, how sweet" sense.

I started paying more attention to my apperance. I stopped wearing just guy's clothing and figured out how to put on makeup without looking like a clown. I started getting random people complimenting me on the streets and someone actually payed me to 'model' for their website. Although the most common response to my picture or the viewing of my features is still "cute" I am getting a lot more people saying how sexy they think I am.

Last easter I went to church where I used to go to grade school and a mother of one of my classmates didn't recognize me. She started laughing when she found out who I was and said she couldn't believe how beautiful I had gotten. I felt like the ugly duckling who became a swan.

My self esteem isn't what it should be and I still have plenty of days where I look in the mirror and think "ugh" but I think I am beautiful and sexy over all.

I always tell myself how awesome I am. I think that is mostly what helped me overcome it. I stopped listening to what others said and decided that I didn't care if others thought I was sexy or attractive, only if I did. As long as I felt good about myself then others would see the goodness in me. And it worked.

As for others, I love dressing people up and taking pictures of them. I am pretty good at making people look lovely on film. I think the best way to deal with feelings of unattractiveness is to get some really nice pictures of yourself taken and whenever you feel bad about yourself, look at the pictures and remind yourself how sexy you are.

I've known a lot of models in my years and I can assure you that they have just as many, if not more, doubts about their looks than the average person. I've known models who were unattractive both inside and out. And I've had coworkers who were amazingly beautiful.

Most people are beautiful even if they refuse to acknowledge it to themselves.

Silentgoldfish

02-13-2005, 06:33 PM

I think most of it was fishing for compliments, especially as it turned into a picture/flirt thread of people posting pictures.

"Oooh! Tell me how ugly I'm not!"

Vision of Love

02-13-2005, 06:33 PM

Since I replied in that other thread, I'll reply to this one too.

As I said, I don't think I'm ugly. I used to, because I was a quiet, awkward, and chubby kid. I got made fun of by some kids, and even my best friend at a time told me that I was fat. Not nice things to hear when you're a very impressionable 10-year-old girl.

I am not bitter. Sometimes I wish I could go meet my 10-year-old self during the times I felt really sad, and tell myself that everything will be fine, and that in the end, I will be a stronger, more compassionate person. It's true... Even today, I find that I gravitate more towards quiet, shy people during classes because I know how it feels to not have anyone to talk to.

I think I'm pretty, but whatever. I'm much prouder of my personality and my life experiences because it is what gives me pride, confidence, and heart, which I believe has a great effect on how others perceive me.

Vision of Love

02-13-2005, 06:37 PM

kimera, you were ugly? Who is that girl in your Teeming Millions profile?? :confused:

monstro

02-13-2005, 06:39 PM

I don't think I'm ugly. I'm not really that photogenic, but I have a few pictures that show a fine-looking monstro, if I should say so myself.

Those pictures are when I'm dressed to the nines, face full of make-up, hair done, etc, however. I don't wear make up on a normal basis. Nor do I like dressing up or doing something "nice" to my hair. So I feel like an imposter when I look "beautiful". I'm more comfortable in my skin when I'm plain looking, with messy hair, no make up, and tom-boy clothing. When I'm all pretty and stuff, I get attention that I find unnerving (like guys hitting on me).

Mississippienne

02-13-2005, 06:43 PM

Tracy Lord

02-13-2005, 08:44 PM

In my head, I know that I'm a reasonably attractive young woman, and when I make an effort, I'm striking.

But I can't help feeling, when I look in the mirror, that 135 lbs. on a 5'6" frame is about fifteen pounds too much.

(I blame the media. ;))

Harborwolf

02-13-2005, 08:48 PM

As I posted in the other thread, I suppose I should explain myself.

I'm underweight. Got bags under my eyes and a perpetual hang dog expression even when I'm not depressed. I get asked if everythings okay a lot. :rolleyes: My nose is a bit off the beam due to a meeting I had with a baseball bat. I've a few scars on my face and head from a life of stupidity. My teeth are nothing to be proud of. They're all still there, but they are as crooked as my soul...sorry, goth moment. :p My fingers are long and spidery, and I have a really hairy neck.

Simply put, I'm far from thrilled about the way I look. I cringe when I see pictures of myself or if I see myself on video tape. Thinking about my appearance too much can work me into a wonderful deep blue funk.

Thankfully I'm a load of laughs and a nice guy to boot. My self esteem issues play right into my self deprecating sense of humor. I've a fiancee who thinks I'm hot (she has lousy vision ;) ), and after a while to get to know me, most women think I'm kinda cute.

Vision of Love

02-13-2005, 09:10 PM

I'm underweight.

I'd be happy to donate some extra poundage to you. Free of charge.

LifeOnWry

02-13-2005, 10:05 PM

I think most of it was fishing for compliments, especially as it turned into a picture/flirt thread of people posting pictures.

"Oooh! Tell me how ugly I'm not!"

Well, some of us need to hear it more than others do. When you're a kid, you take what other people say to heart, and I was called horrible names as a child because I didn't look like "the girl next door." In the white bread suburbia of the 70s, that was grounds for social pariah-dom. I was 17 before I even entertained the possibility that I was not the most disgusting-looking female ever.

Even now, at 40 and mostly secure with my self, I look in the mirror and sometimes I still see ol' Flatsy-face, Bug Eyes, Chink, Snaggletooth, Coke-bottle Glasses.

Harborwolf

02-13-2005, 10:07 PM

I'd be happy to donate some extra poundage to you. Free of charge.

You'd be surprised how often I get that. If it helps, I have naturally long eyelashes and I look young for my age. Women hate me. :)

Zsofia

02-13-2005, 10:50 PM

Let's just say I had an unusually long and intense awkward stage. :) From, say, 7 to 18, I was really unfortunately unattractive. Not just unpopular; I was gawky, overly scrawny, ill-postured, bad-haired, unfashionable, and just downright homely. I have since grown into my face, filled out some, got some fashion sense, and rumor has it that I'm a pretty hot property (although I still gotta work on that posture), but I forget sometimes.

It's not that I have awful self-esteem or anything; I quite like myself. I just never think they're looking at me (or if I figure it out I think I must have toilet paper on my shoe or something).

I never notice when guys are flirting with me, either, unless they're very extremely obvious (in the "can I have your number?" vein), and when I do notice I get very flustered because I totally don't expect it. But I don't at all think I'm ugly. I've seen ugly people, I know ugly when I see it.

Vision of Love

02-13-2005, 11:36 PM

You'd be surprised how often I get that. If it helps, I have naturally long eyelashes and I look young for my age. Women hate me. :)

Okay, I take that back. It's no longer free; I must have your eyelashes in exchange.

Honestly, if there was one thing I'd change about myself, it's to have thicker, longer, curlier lashes. Forget the weight, 'cause if I really tried, I could shed that off, at least.

Ichini Sanshigo

02-14-2005, 12:47 AM

I posted in the other thread that I often feel like I'm ugly, even when others seem to think I'm not. Part of this is being a nerd throughout my primary education, part of this is my actual looks as well. I've always been short and skinny, and one of the tiniest people in any group. My level of skinniness in grade school was just as bad as being fat. I've had moderate acne since I was 10, and I still have acne. Even though it has cleared considerably, my skin gets discolored easily, so my skin tone is really uneven (I'm working on that).

Add to that the usual self-confidence problems that women have, and add to that the usual self-confidence problems that black women have in a society that holds up blonde-haired, blue-eyed fair-skinned-ness as the beauty ideal, and yeah, I've got some image problems. Many women do.

What makes it really bad is that I know that low self-confidence is, in itself, unattractive, but I just can't seem to help myself. Whenever a guy comes on to me, I'm always thinking in the back of my head, "He really doesn't think you're good-looking, he's just looking for a quick lay." It's so bad to be projecting to a date, "You don't seriously find me attractive, do you? :dubious: ", unless you're trying to sabotage your dating prospects.

In sum, I think I'm ugly because of society and acne.

PS. Aesiron, and any other acne sufferers, try hydrogen peroxide on a cotton ball a couple times a week. It won't clear existing pimples, but it will do wonders to prevent future breakouts. And it's way cheaper than that Pro-Active crap or the latest product pushed by the local friendly dermatologist.

rinni

02-14-2005, 12:58 AM

My friends and family can tell me 'till they're blue in the face how beautiful I am, and I won't believe a word of it. They have to tell me that, you see. They love me. But I see beautiful girls all the time, and I'm not treated the way they're treated. People gush about how pretty they are, and guys go crazy over them, and hell, a few of the other girls go crazy over them. And that doesn't happen to me. So I know I'm not beautiful.

That is exactly how I feel, too. To the point of constant discomfort.

I'm another one who was constantly picked on when she was younger. Spit on daily in class, had my hands slammed in lockers by the guy I had a crush on, had strangers coming up to me asking me if I was a guy or a girl, was called "craterface" because of my acne, "freak" because of how I dressed, and all that junior high/high school jazz. I was the girl in the class that guys would ask out as a joke. I got voted class princess when I was in ninth grade, just so my classmates could yell insults at me when I got on the stage. Probably as a result of this, I became very familiar with all my imperfections and thought my life would be so easy if I could get rid of them.

But I cannot, without surgery and years of dental work. I've got really crooked teeth and a 100% overbite. I've got a long, square face that always looks sort of chubby. I had pretty bad acne as a teenager, and even though it's gone, I still see myself with bad skin when I look in the mirror. Explain that, if you will.

I'm jiggly around the stomach and thighs. On a good day, I think this is beautiful, like a painting or a statue. On a bad day, I just think I'm disgusting.

I'm a really jealous and insecure person, to top it all off. I'm the worst girlfriend ever. I never think I'm good enough for anyone and I can't understand why anyone is with me, so I pick on them until they get sick of my jealousy and leave me. Like now, I have a boyfriend who is just way out of my league and I wonder when he is going to realise it.

On the good side of my looks, I have a nice butt (I'm finally admitting this!), pretty blue eyes, and a cute nose.

It all evens out to "I guess I'm probably close to average, but definitely nowhere near beautiful, and nothing you can tell me is going to improve my opinion of myself so there and ha!".

But I think I'm being pretty honest. I know I'm not a complete dog, even though I feel that way sometimes - so instead of saying I am ugly, I will usually say I feel ugly.

I don't want to feel ugly anymore. I want to know how to make it stop.

kurivaim

02-14-2005, 01:07 AM

So, how many of you have (or had) negative thoughts about your looks?

How many have gradually been able to overcome negative reinforcement and realize how attractive you really are? How did this come about?
Dormitory life, particularly on a floor populated entirely by international students from various corners of the world, can work wonders on self-esteem. Specifically the part of dormitory life where a cute girl knocks on your door in her underwear, five minutes after you said goodnight and assumed she wanted nothing to do with you.

In general, though, it seems one of the best ways to feel better about yourself is to have others feel better about you -- and one of the best ways to get that to happen is to not get all worked up and anxious about what they think. Just stop giving a shit and enjoy yourself a little.

Ephemera

02-14-2005, 01:38 AM

I'd be happy to donate some extra poundage to you. Free of charge.
I remember your picture from last year's photo thread and you're absolutely stunning.

I don't know why you'd want to change anything about yourself.

mamakat

02-14-2005, 02:19 AM

I didn't post in the other thread saying I'm ugly so people would say I'm cute. I know I'm not. But sometimes you're just dying to have someone tell you you're wrong. Fishing for compliments? Not really. Just hoping desperately that you appeal to at least one person. My dad told me every day from the time I can remember that I was ugly and fat, and no one would like me because of that. I got kicked out and my foster parents told me "If you want people to like you, you're going to have to lose weight and wear a lot of makeup and dress like we do." When I became a nanny, the lady I worked for said "okay, now you have a boyfriend, but if you want to keep him, you better start dressing and looking better." When I got engaged, my fiancee told me he was embarrassed of the way I looked. When I got married he told me I was ugly and fat and started saving money so he could (so graciously) pay for me to have a boob job (too small, not perky enough) and a tummy tuck (ewwww, that "baby flop" is soooo disgusting. Please wear less revealing lingerie). My boyfriend now tells me I'm beautiful and my friends now too. I know they mean it, but after that many years of being told that I am ugly and always will be, I really feel like there is something wrong with them for thinking that and I almost feel sorry for them when they are so obviously wrong. There is a tiny part of me that sometimes thinks that hey, maybe I look cute today, but then I look in the mirror and I'm always dissappointed. I cannot overcome 28 years of everyone telling me the same thing. I don't think I ever will. :( (wow, I've never revealed this much bitterness in my life. SDMB is better than a shrink!!)

Pensandfeathers

02-14-2005, 05:32 AM

Most of my insecurities have to do with my weight. I'm not fat really....but its been a battle all of my life, and when I was younger, I was teased a bit, especially in junior high. I was teased by the girls, ignored by the guys.

The teasing stopped in high school, but there was a specific incident where I was brushed off by a guy I absolutely adored (and to my own shock, let him know that). It was more than a brush off really...it was leading me on, ignoring me and then dating a short, cute, thin blonde freshman and parading her in front of me.

Anymore, I try not to care and just write myself off as plain. I've never been able to attract guys my own age, but have no problem with men who are considerably older than I am. I've never understood why that is.

Arwin

02-14-2005, 06:04 AM

I took a sociology class one time, where the teacher was explaining how societies put different pressures on males and females. She asked the males in the room what it was they felt society demanded of them. The replies were mixed: "to be athletic"; "to be wealthy"; "to be strong and tough".

Then she asked the females what they felt society demanded of us. Every single girl in the room, without exception, replied at once: "to be beautiful." It was overwhelming. And not that males don't feel the pressure too, but it's absolutely inescapable for women. An ugly man can still get babes and respect if he becomes wealthy and successful. And ugly woman can become wealthy and successful... but she'll always be that ugly old hag.

I would call this mass-hysteria if that didn't sound so sexist from a historical perspective. At the same time, history shows us that beauty is defined culturally, is subject to fashion, and therefore has no real meaning. With all due respect to those of the male-male persuasion, when gay fashion icons ruled the world they obviously selected their female models for their boyish looks. Besides, it has been historically proven that a peg is easiest to hang all sorts of different clothes on.

All jests aside, there are plenty of men out there who will fall for the successful busines woman. I'm sure it can be nice to jerk yourself off inside a young hot body, but there is a lot more to love (and sex!) than that, believe you me. Sex is sharing feelings and emotion, and outside of perhaps the eyes (everyone has beautiful eyes anyway, especially when they happen to reside in someone you like), which can indeed be windows to the soul, looks are pretty insignificant.

I waver between thinking I'm ugly and thinking I'm unattractive (two different things: see discussion above in thread). My friends and family can tell me 'till they're blue in the face how beautiful I am, and I won't believe a word of it. They have to tell me that, you see. They love me. But I see beautiful girls all the time, and I'm not treated the way they're treated. People gush about how pretty they are, and guys go crazy over them, and hell, a few of the other girls go crazy over them. And that doesn't happen to me. So I know I'm not beautiful.

The kind of attention you're not getting is due to so many silly things. Be glad you're not caught into this maelstream of foolishness - it could lead you to believe for far too long that being in fashion is all that matters in life.

But oh... I wish I was. I wish I wish I wish.

Ah, I wish I had you for myself for a week - seriously, I'm 100% sure I could teach you a lot about yourself and about being happy about yourself. Few people realise how insignificant looks are and how much else there is. Useful things to read from looks, are, at best, confidence. Attitude. Originality perhaps, though some people are so desperate to be original that being original becomes a shallow fashion item in itself.

My how unhappy would blind people be if looks mattered as much as we think, huh?

archmichael

02-14-2005, 08:23 AM

My ass doesn't get pinched anymore

I don't have panties and hotel keys thrown at me a la Tom Jones

I don't seem to give women 'the vapors'

:D

Zebra

02-14-2005, 08:30 AM

Most people are beautiful even if they refuse to acknowledge it to themselves.

Jumping Jesus Fish kimera! You walk on water!

Afer reading your post I can that gone through what I am starting. I am just starting to take better care of myself. (eating better, exercising, getting back into my photography etc.) But I just say, that from your pictures, you are really my type and I would probably rather have a root canal than actually approach you and ask for your number.

So maybe you don't get as much attention from guys because the type of guy who is attracted to your type is a really quiet type and you just don't notice.

slortar

02-14-2005, 08:53 AM

No kidding, Zebra. I'm finding a delicious sort of irony in the act of trolling the "ugly person" threads for pretty girls. :)

eleanorigby

02-14-2005, 09:57 AM

Fishing for compliments?!?

No way!

Take a gander at my pic in the ugly thread--and also in the one about surviving it.

It is ONLY NOW--at age 42--that I can look back and say I was pretty. I may not be pretty now since the vitiligo--no, there is no pic and won't be one--but by God, I was once.

A little background since it touchs on much of this dicussion:

I was NEVER told I was attractive, cute, funny, smart or pretty as a child. EVER. I was more put up with, if you know what I mean. I wasn't abused or really neglected, Iwas just not really nurtured or supported. My parents weren't very good parents--to any of their 5 kids. They didn't go in for encouragement, warmth or affection, much.
My mother believed and believes that telling girls they are pretty goes straight to their heads--not good to have conceited daughters! So none of the 4 of us were EVER told we were pretty. FTR, my brother was never told he was handsome or cute, either.
The best compliment I ever got from her was on my wedding day:"you look very nice, dear."

Sorry to ramble on here--but you hit a major button with me. I had no more idea that I was pretty, even beautiful, until a modelling company spotted me in 1972 and contacted my parents about me being a child model. I begged them to say yes. To give you an idea of how anti-this my parents were, they had my sister who was taking photograhy in 8th grade do my portfolio. I never modelled--but I hung onto the fact that someone out in the world thought I was attractive. That fact helped me build some sort of confidence. (and to be fair, I am glad I never modelled--it seems to be a socially accepted way to destroy beauty via eating disorders and silicone).

Christ on a cracker! You think that people are just vain about their looks? You never be told that you are attractive, you wear ugly eyeglasses thru grammar school (fashion came to eyeglasses about 1978), you be shy and scared of being teased etc. And I didn't have to deal with a deformity or bad skin or obesity! My point is that I was pretty! And still suffer the lack like some here! It can happen to anyone and it does.

Well, I agree with the post that said around 30 you get more confident re: your looks and you know how to present yourself better (or are more comfortable with your appearance regardless). But I got vitiligio around that time--thus delaying my confidence and comfort for awhile.

I still--to this day--hate how I look in summer. The "good" skin tans and the splotches don't and I attract the wrong kind of attention. It's fucking hard to get up and wear a T-shirt and shorts and go to Home Depot and be stared at. You try it and see how you like it. You hear repeatedly, " she was such a pretty girl--too bad about the skin......"(especially when you weren't told you were pretty when you were!) I am now a fan of winter--because, since I am so fair, the skin tones even out and I look normal.

It is good to look normal. Trust me. And it's normal to want to be told you look good.

I am sorry that this has turned into a rant--it's not even to anyone in particular here--this is just so personal and painful. Most here who think they are ugly aren't--most folks have regular features that may not be striking, but are not ugly. What is missing is the reassurance by others (and then internalized) that those features are attractive and/or that the "deformity" doesn't matter.

Appearance and body image go right to the core of self-esteem. Don't believe for a minute that they don't. To me, that's not vanity or narcissism or being shallow--it's being human. Yeah, it'd be great if we could just look at one another's souls and gifts etc--and I think we should emphasize those more and broaden our defintion of beauty. But even with that, how others perceive your looks impacts hugely on your estimation of yourself.

Sorry if this was TMI.

sishoch

02-14-2005, 10:58 AM

When I was a child, I never thought about my appearance. I didn't care what other people thought because I didn't spend much time with other people anyway. My parents both worked full time and I didn't many, if any, friends at school.

So when I'm about 16, my older sister brings a date to have dinner with the family. While we're eating, her date looks around the table and says directly to me "Everyone else here is normal, but you're just plain ugly!" I didn't know how to react to that, I had to either laugh it off or punch him out. Since he outweighed me by at least 50 lbs and could turn me into a pretzel without a though, I laughed it off. Later, my mother said it was a very inappropriate thing to say (to which I agreed) but neither she nor anyone else said it was wrong. My sister saw him a few more times, but it didn't work out, so I didn't have to see him anymore.

That was more than 25 years ago and I've never forgotten.

tremorviolet

02-14-2005, 11:04 AM

Where to start? I'm a redhead with the accompanying very pale skin. I grew up in Florida where everyone was always tan so I stood out a lot. Plus, I was always a little chubby, not monstrously chubby and, by today's standards, I would have been almost thin but at the time I was considered chubby. In sixth grade, I got glasses and braces and headgear (and not the cool behind-the-neck head gear but the insanely geeky over the top of the head headgear (http://www.kahnortho.com/images/headgear.jpg)) plus I had always been a tomboy so I had absolutely no clue about fashion; I just wore jeans and t-shirts every single day. And I started developing in that grade but my mom was too busy to notice and I was too embarrassed to say anything to her so I got a lot of shit about it (and crap for other things, I was very shy and an easy target).

So that's me in sixth grade: bright red hair, albino skin, chubby, glasses, braces, headgear, and in desperate need of a bra. How could I not feel ugly? It didn't help that my dad thought it was "cute" to tease me by saying, "Look, it's the Lee (my name is Lee) sisters, Ug and Home." Get it, it's Ugly and Homely. :rolleyes: My dad's really not a bad guy and he thought he was just being amusing, he just didn't realize that you don't say things like that to 13-year old girls. (BTW, word of advice to all the fathers of girls out there, NEVER EVER do that. Tell your girls that they're beautiful from day one, they need it.)

Anyway, looking at my face realistically, I've come to realize that while I'm definitely not drop dead gorgeous, I'm pretty average. Nothing really stand out but the hair and some guys seem to think I'm cute. And, taking a global view, I'm an incredibly blessed person, being healthy, having a good job, etc. But, some part of me will be that incredibly awkward, shy, harrassed sixth grader...

iampunha

02-14-2005, 11:10 AM

It's easier to maintain a "better to look at me than stare directly at the sun" perspective than to try maintaining "I look good" or even "I don't look bad".

(This is, actually, an improvement on the past.)

CandidGamera

02-14-2005, 11:14 AM

I didn't post in the aforementioned thread. I don't really think I look particularly good or bad. I'm not deformed, but I do have one or two little items that, if it were free and effortless to fix, I'd fix. Plus I could stand to lose a bit of weight. Also, I have no fashion sense and am proud of that fact.

My main interpersonal worry is that I'm boring to other folks, actually.

Podkayne

02-14-2005, 11:25 AM

This is extremely tangential, but I was talking to my mom a while ago, and I said, "You know, now that I've turned 30, I think I've finally outgrown being clumsy."

My mom looked a bit taken aback. "I never thought you were clumsy!"

"Are you kidding? I was terribly clumsy when I was a kid."

"What? I don't remember that. You played basketball, and rode your bike like a daredevil, and . . . "

"Well, yeah, but I knocked things over and dropped things . . ."

"Honey, everybody does that."

And suddenly I realised, my grandmother called me clumsy when I'd knock something over, or spill something, or whatever, and told me I needed to pay closer attention to what I was doing. She didn't mean it to be cruel; if she dropped something, she'd be pretty hard on herself, too, chide herself for being clumsy. I don't remember her saying it to my sister very often, but maybe I just didn't notice, or my sister was particularly un-clumsy, or something. Strangely enough, I'd always thought of it as kind of a bond between Grandma and me that we were both clumsy.

Funny how long you can carry a label like clumsy or ugly without ever questioning it.

ReBusEniGma

02-14-2005, 01:31 PM

I love introspection, so here goes. I grew up thinking my face was unattractive. I thought my teeth were too big, nose too wide and stubby, thought I was too short. I was told that I was handsome by my mom and sisters and my dad a little. But misguided pot-shots by peers go far deeper than the well intended compliments of family.

Oddly, I had plenty of girlfriends growing up and had a fairly decent esteem (actually is was more ego than anything else at the time). But it was for entirely different reasons. Instead of my looks, I relied on talents and abilities to obtain acceptance from friends and attention from girls...misguided as that may have been. It served it's purpose though in my early years, but I did learn later through some very hard knocks, that ultimately I had to find self acceptance in who I am as person, not what I look like, or how well I can do something.

And even if someone seems to be 'fishing for compliments' is that so bad? Isn't it really just an outward display of an inward desire for validation? I think that is a good thing. Could anyone ever say, "I was complmented too much?" On the whole, I think compliments do more good than harm. My dad himself told me that he was afraid to complement me too much because he didn't want me to get too proud. He has since apologized for that fallacy.
00
I'm now 38 years old, I'm comfortable in my skin, but still don't think my face is a really attractive one. As fate woul have it, I have a visually stunning S/O, who tells me the makings of crows feet in the corners of my eyes are from smiling and are very attractive ;)

Epimetheus

02-14-2005, 01:58 PM

Well, first off lets just say that I personally wasn't fishing for attention or compliments in that thread. Opinions on my looks my will vary, but I doubt any could say that I was hot, and not have me consider them a liar. I would never get invited to model, I go to dance clubs constantly, and regardless of how people tell me I would have women all over me if I walked confidently and dressed nice, it never happened. I took lessons from friends I knew were womanisers, watched how they exuded confidence, and even took tips from my female friends on how to dress nicely. None of it worked. In 10 years I have had only a handful of sexual experiences, and most of those were with the same partner. I have never been in a long term relationship, and my longest one was about a month long. Women turn me down even when I am not hitting on them, and frankly I am reaching the point where I just don't even care. Call me bitter or what.

I know I am ugly more than physically though. I tend to be picky and shallow I guess. I am a health nut and prefer a woman that at least takes care of herself physically. I work out regularly and plan on doing so the rest of my life, not for sheer vanity either, why be with somebody that is demoralizing in that area? Ok, there is more though, if that isn't enough. I tend to have a bad attitude, and have worked on it constantly. I have made some progress, but I think medical intervention is necessary. Sign me up as another Beta-blocker consumer, as much as I hate the idea. Being angry over stupid things at work is not something attractive, or yelling at my cat because she is simply meowing alot, or just getting a strange sense of corruption in my thought patterns, a sort of constant irritation or aggitation that makes all my thoughts negative. I guess the shorthand is that I am a bitter, lonely and assholish man stuck in a cycle that I cannot escape out of, slowly circling the drain, gaining momentum as I go along.

So yeah, pictures certainly cannot convey that, and while I have never doctored my pictures in any fashion, I do take multiple ones and pick the very best ones- best lighting, best pose, etc. This tends to skew the truth, leading somebody on the internet to see a photo and think- "there is no way this guy is average or ugly." When in fact, I am barely average, I don't get looks from people, don't get asked out, and definately don't have friends that sucessfully set me up with friends.

Average looks + Horrible personality = Ugly in my book, YMMV.

amarinth

02-14-2005, 02:16 PM

I waver between thinking I'm ugly and thinking I'm unattractive (two different things: see discussion above in thread). My friends and family can tell me 'till they're blue in the face how beautiful I am, and I won't believe a word of it. They have to tell me that, you see. They love me.But I see beautiful girls all the time, and I'm not treated the way they're treated. People gush about how pretty they are, and guys go crazy over them, and hell, a few of the other girls go crazy over them. And that doesn't happen to me. So I know I'm not beautiful.(bolding added)

Basically what Mississippienne, said in the above paragraph. Growing up, the message I got from my parents was that I was beautiful. The message I got from everyone else was that I was ugly. And in my head, people who didn't give birth to me, raise me, and love me are the more objective and accurate opinion.

But it's especially the bolded part. I see beautiful women all the time, and I see how they get treated. It isn't a matter of self confidence. I see beautiful women who are full of self loathing - and then ones who radiate (whether it's real or not) self esteem and comfort with themselves. And still, there's a way that people react to the beautiful people (for some reason this (http://www.pierce.ctc.edu/tlink/general/projects/highlighted/mabell/final_report.html) is the only thing I can find. I've read other articles that came to the same conclusions before, though. It isn't just getting hit on all the time, beautiful people get higher amounts of what should be basic courtesy). There's a way that people treat attractive people, and average people, and on down the line. I'm not treated as though I'm beautiful. On my best days, I may get average. Sometimes.

And for that and for many other reasons, I tend to think of myself as ugly.

Madd Maxx

02-14-2005, 02:57 PM

I was the fat kid. I'm still overweight. Someone at work last week couldn't remember my name and called me "That chubby guy." The other person knew exactly who she was refering to. Some of my best friends still call me "Husky" or "Chia-Gut." I have been called more fat related names than I can possibly remember. In my experience, parents (and grandparents for that matter.) always think their kids are cute.

However, I remember that my little sister once wrote a story in school about about a time when we were kids and we were racing each other, and she wrote "He was standing there, glistening in the sun like an Adonis." That still is the nicest thing anyone has ever said about my appearance. I'm getting a little misty-eyed thinking about it actually. In the end though, I'm comfortable with myself now, and I can deal with it. A little self-deprecating humor goes a long way.

Draelin

02-14-2005, 03:30 PM

Men do not throw flowers at my feet. In fact, they barely acknowledge me even when they almost run me down. I've learned to live with it. Lesbians totally dig me. If I were gay, I'd be such a slut.

When I was in high school, my mother once said something to me--"Honey, you're not ugly. You're just fat." She wasn't wrong. But as I said in a thread just last week that I'm too lazy to look up just now, I'm happy being fat.

I think I'm ugly because I'm short and fat. I think I'm ugly because nobody wanted to date me in high school, and precious few want to date me now. I think I'm ugly because I have friends who are supermodel-caliber-gorgeous. I think I'm ugly because ten years ago I had an eighteen-year-old boyfriend who almost never wanted to have sex with me.

But I have since ceased to care, really.

At least on the outside. ;)

MsPrufrock

02-14-2005, 05:36 PM

I keep meaning to post on a pic thread - and yes, it would be in hopes of a compliment. :cool:

But aside from that fact, I don't think I'm ugly per se. Just...big. I'm about 5'10" and I could stand to lose 70-80 lbs. I am aware mentally that I carry the weight fairly decently - it's all spread out - not in one area. I've just always felt big. I'm taller and larger than the majority of my female friends and that leads to a minor Yeti complex. hehe Even when I was at my thinnest and I could see my hip bones, I couldn't fit into anything lower than a size 11 or 13 because I actually had hips and a decent bust line. I didn't understand until recently it wasn't because I was fat then, it was because I am a completely different shape.

I know that I'm not ugly. In fact, I think I might even be slightly above average but because I am overweight none of that matters. I am a self-fufilling prophecy - I don't go out because I don't think guys will talk to me and no guys talk to me because I don't go out - hmm! :smack:

Basically 90% of the time I'm okay with myself, 9% I think I totally ROCK, and 1% of the time I'm ready to cry when I look in the mirror. I like to vary it a bit! I'm smart, funny, bossy, and not a troll under a bridge. I know I should try to put myself out there and date a bit. I think my parents are starting to get worried I'll never meet anyone. hehe I just haven't bothered partly because that's a scary thing for me because of my insecurities of weight, partly because there aren't many well read, slightly liberal, over 6' boys to date in my area. hehe

My parents have always been supportive but the caveat has always been whatever will be easier, I'll be happier, etc "if you lost weight." Not a horrible thing and probably true just in health and comfort levels but still - a comment like that really sticks. My mom never bothered to point out that I was just a lot taller than other girls my age and developing faster. I think she remembered being sort of heavy in HS and was worried I'm miss out on something - which didn't happen, extra weight or not.

So for all this rambling, I know rationally I'm not ugly and probably most of the time emotionally. I just am unduly critical of myself because of my weight and that colors my perception.

Okay *deep breath* Sorry for the long post.

raz

02-14-2005, 11:04 PM

As for what I look like right now - I think I am attractive. I could stand for my boobs to be a bit bigger but hey, they say your boobs can keep growing until you are 24 so I'll just keep my fingers crossed for that!

But...

I was the gangly, gawky, tall skinny girl with glasses and braces up until I was about 15 or 16. I was the nerd, the "smart one", the one that everyone wanted to have in their work group at school but that no one really wanted to be friends with. I had friends, the same (very awesome) friends that I have to this day, but we were never popular. We were just there.
I remember going to family reunions and wondering what happened with me. All of the women in my family were GORGEOUS. All of my female cousins were so pretty and it just killed me that I was the "ugly duckling". I remember looking at myself in the mirror wondering if I would ever get pretty like them.

And I did - it just took some time. But a person can never really get over poor self-image. Even today I wonder about the way I look, the way I act and what people think about me. I look at my younger brother who's in that "akward stage" and remember what its like to be like that. So although I think I'm attractive, sometimes doubt still creeps into my head and I'll go back to the days when I wasn't so sure of myself.