PDA

View Full Version : Review a film you've never seen.


roger thornhill
03-07-2005, 07:57 AM
Good or bad, but it's got to be a review of a film you've never seen. Like this:

Hitchcock's Lifeboat foreshadows his later work while providing a retrospective of his earlier English oeuvre. Made while Britain was on the brink of global conflict and the director was on the cusp of greatness, this a film whose which tantalises and deceives simultaneously.

Superficially an early exemplar of the crossover genre between action and thriller, this motion picture works at a deeper level to ask questions that go to the heart of the human condition. Cast adrift on the ocean of uncertainty and illusion, should the be seen as a deus ex machina, or as a symbol of repression in a Europe in the grip of incipient totalitarianism?

Not the master's greatest offering, but an invaluable insight into the mind of a true cinematic genius.

roger thornhill
03-07-2005, 07:57 AM
Good or bad, but it's got to be a review of a film you've never seen. Like this:

Hitchcock's Lifeboat foreshadows his later work while providing a retrospective of his earlier English oeuvre. Made while Britain was on the brink of global conflict and the director was on the cusp of greatness, this a film whose which tantalises and deceives simultaneously.

Superficially an early exemplar of the crossover genre between action and thriller, this motion picture works at a deeper level to ask questions that go to the heart of the human condition. Cast adrift on the ocean of uncertainty and illusion, should Lieboat be seen as a deus ex machina, or as a symbol of repression in a Europe in the grip of incipient totalitarianism?

Not the master's greatest offering, but an invaluable insight into the mind of a true cinematic genius.

roger thornhill
03-07-2005, 07:59 AM
Lieboat, Lifeboat - what the heck. But this is the place to add your gems.

owlstretchingtime
03-07-2005, 08:11 AM
Dude, Where's My Car? Can be seen as the missing link between the European Auteur school of film making and it's Hollywood Studio-system counterpart. Part art house project, part blockbuster, it has a foot in both camps whilst still holding onto it's fundamental counter culture values, so beloved of the Sundance festival set.

Offering a distopian view of teenage angst in a post industrial world, it takes as it's main theme the "Grail Quest" of European legend.

Our proud knights embark on a heroic quest to find the mythical, and totemic "car" despite their obvious drawbacks as traditional heroes. In an almost perfect reversal of traditional classical tragedic structure, catharsis, nemesis, hubris and hermatia are all visited on our protagonists in direct relationship to the proximity of their grail - the car. This is not the only dramatic theme that is subverted.

The concept of deus ex machina is thoroughly explored through the medium of the "car park" which doubles for the Elysian Fields of classical myth.

In short this is a film that repays many viewings at a variety of intellectual levels. The word "masterpiece" is an overused trope, but in Dude, Where's My Car? it finds a righful home.

ShibbOleth
03-07-2005, 08:52 AM
Police Academy 4, much to the surprise of many critics, is a solemn masterpiece, evoking the genius of Bergman, Fellini and Truffaut. Shot in simple black and white and with minimal dialogue, Jim Drake coaxes a masterful performance from the veteran Steven Guttenberg. Bubba Smith is Guttenberg's counterweight in this film, adding just the right degree of pathos, whilst Michael Winslow adds a few moments of joyous comic relief. Comedy might seem out of place in a film in the Police Academy series, but the deft light touch Winslow shows here is important to lend an emotional outlet to the films otherwise weighty subject matter. On the way out of the showing I was not surprised to see more than a few red-rimmed eyes. My viewing partner and I later discussed the film's symbolism and stark message over cappuccino. Will Guttenberg finally receive his richly deserved Oscar for this masterpiece? Only time will tell, but one thing is for sure: Police Academy 4 will become an instant classic.

Askia
03-07-2005, 10:28 AM
Halle Berry's CATWOMAN is another eye-opening, double-barreled, gripping and revealing performance in which the Oscar-winning actress continues to defy American convention and the good advice of well paid managers to embrace roles that provide screenspace to display her outstanding oeuvre. Berry brings her considerable assets to the forefront... blah blah blah blah. I don't have time to sit here and pretend I watched this. Here are words that describe the best parts of this film: Perky. Bulbous. Pliable. Caramel sticky. Tender. Orgasmic areolas. Taut and firmly massaged. Mouthwatering. Ripped. Jiggling. Welcoming. Warm. You must know what I'm getting at. Tongued, fingered, cupped, stroked, palmed, suckled, kneaded, hard-pressed. Stomach-sliding, legs-entangling, thrusting, churning, grinding, pulling, pushing, yanking, ticking, teasing... Oh, teeth. Nice. Bobbing, bobbing, bobbing, bobbing...fasterfasterfaster... OH GOD. Spit.

You know, I had my doubts about working from home but this is turning out swell.

don't ask
03-07-2005, 10:54 AM
I think everyone should see Son of the Mask. It is about ninety minutes. I have seen other films that were about ninety minutes, some were very good.

Rufus Xavier
03-07-2005, 11:06 AM
Road House (1989) is a movie with Patrick Swayze. I think he plays a bouncer at a, well, a road house, for lack of a better term. I guess that's a kind of a bar or a nightclub or something. I assume there's a fair amount of violence in this movie. It's rated R. Here's a sample of dialogue (courtesy of the IMDB):

Doc: Do you always carry your medical record around with you?
Dalton: Saves time.

I think most people decided they didn't want to see this movie, and they probably had a pretty good reason not to. 2 stars.

AskNott
03-07-2005, 11:23 AM
The Pacifier, with Vin (ordinaire) Diesel, is a flaccid remake of Kindergarten Cop, with Arnold Schwartzenegger. Both films present a parody tough guy as a fish-out-of-water among overly cute children. Fold in a generous dollop of poop and vomit humor, and top with a warm, fuzzy ending. Do yourself a favor. For more fun, stay home and clean out the garage.

Annie-Xmas
03-07-2005, 11:31 AM
Police Academy 6 definitely stays in touch with all its prequels. It is neither the worst or the best of the Police Academy movies, but rides a middle ground between the two. There are some familiar characters and some added new ones. Some of the plot is similar to the previous movies, but there are some added twists.

If you a fan of the genre, you will appreciate this movie. It can also be recommended to anyone interested in getting some knowledge on the series.

plnnr
03-07-2005, 11:36 AM
The Matrix stars Keanu Reeves and, for that reason alone, should never have been made.

plnnr
03-07-2005, 11:38 AM
Halle Berry's CATWOMAN is another eye-opening, double-barreled, gripping and revealing performance in which the Oscar-winning actress continues to defy American convention and the good advice of well paid managers to embrace roles that provide screenspace to display her outstanding oeuvre. Berry brings her considerable assets to the forefront... blah blah blah blah. I don't have time to sit here and pretend I watched this. Here are words that describe the best parts of this film: Perky. Bulbous. Pliable. Caramel sticky. Tender. Orgasmic areolas. Taut and firmly massaged. Mouthwatering. Ripped. Jiggling. Welcoming. Warm. You must know what I'm getting at. Tongued, fingered, cupped, stroked, palmed, suckled, kneaded, hard-pressed. Stomach-sliding, legs-entangling, thrusting, churning, grinding, pulling, pushing, yanking, ticking, teasing... Oh, teeth. Nice. Bobbing, bobbing, bobbing, bobbing...fasterfasterfaster... OH GOD. Spit.

You know, I had my doubts about working from home but this is turning out swell.

You know, I can't help but envision Gene Shalit or Tom Shales doing this and I can't decide which is more sickening. Thanks.

CandidGamera
03-07-2005, 11:40 AM
Se7en is a charming, educational flick - the Sesame Street Count would be pleased to see kids get education about mathematics by big-name talent like Kevin Spacey and Morgan Freeman.

Wait, what? It's about.. no, that can't be.. Oh. Oh my God!

ShibbOleth
03-07-2005, 11:45 AM
Se7en is a charming, educational flick - the Sesame Street Count would be pleased to see kids get education about mathematics by big-name talent like Kevin Spacey and Morgan Freeman.

Wait, what? It's about.. no, that can't be.. Oh. Oh my God!


Hey, that movie might have been a little more upbeat with the Count in the Brad Pitt role:

"Ha ha, six murders! I count six!"

Jet Jaguar
03-07-2005, 02:35 PM
Face/Off is a heartwarming family movie starring Nicholas Cage as a washed-up former professional hockey player who takes on the job of coach for a junior league hockey team made up of a ragtag bunch of misfit kids with little hockey talent at all. John Travolta stars as an evil businessman who has bought the kid's home skating rink and threatens to shut it down unless they can win the city championship.

The film follows the development of the characters as the team comes together and rise to the challenges it faces, and along the way learn a little bit about themselves in the process. From the goalie who is afraid of the puck to the troubled star center who wants to quit, it is easy for the audience to identify with and care about the players. The final result is an amusing little film that while by no means would contend for an Oscar, has something for the entire family.

Sampiro
03-07-2005, 02:52 PM
Pink Flamingos had the misfortune to come out the same year as The Godfather and thus be robbed by the big studio juggernaut that made Puzo's soap opera a regrettable classic while relegating the true masterpiece to midnight showings on college campuses. The inimitable Divine, who provided the John the Baptist to herald (if not make rolling flesh) the coming of Antonio "Huggy Bear" Fargus's "I'm more man than you'll ever be and more woman than you'll ever have" riposte, gives a performance of such understated nuance that it is at times difficult to believe she is acting, who reveals her love of her son and her mother in ways that no Corleone would ever be able to express. Mink Stole, in a rare non-glamorous turn, provides the dark and cold Ahriman to the flaming grandeur of Divine's Ahura Mazda, each stepping upon the cogs that turn the wheels of modern civilizations in its never ending roll to reach its chiliastic domination and return us as a society to "the egg" that Edith Massey's primordial mother deity holds before the temple of her restored to nature progeny. See this movie (and remember: no 300 lb. drag queen ever sent Sasheen Littlefeather to decline an award).

Little Nemo
03-07-2005, 02:58 PM
The Bourne Identity (http://www.musicman.com/00pic/bourne.html) is a movie. It stars Matt Damon playing the character of Jason Bourne. In the movie, Bourne has many experiences including climbing up the side of a building, fighting with somebody, walking down the street, and kissing a woman. There is probably also somebody trying to shoot him and maybe something involving a fingerprint. There are other people in the movie but they didn't get their names printed in big letters.

Sampiro
03-07-2005, 03:02 PM
In Left Behind Kirk Cameron casts off the mantle of former child star while not unfortunately emerging naked. He instead takes his place alongside Marlon Brando and Max Baer Jr. in the role of serious artist, succeeding in bringing to evangelical Christians everywhere the same degree of exposure and positive portrayal that Johnny Weismuller's Tarzan movies brought to Africans.

CandidGamera
03-07-2005, 03:03 PM
(and remember: no 300 lb. drag queen ever sent Sasheen Littlefeather to decline an award).

Brando hasn't been dead very long, we may still be due some interesting revelations about his personal life...

Little Nemo
03-07-2005, 03:07 PM
I don't have time to sit here and pretend I watched this. Here are words that describe the best parts of this film: Perky. Bulbous. Pliable. Caramel sticky. Tender. Orgasmic areolas. Taut and firmly massaged. Mouthwatering. Ripped. Jiggling. Welcoming. Warm. You must know what I'm getting at. Tongued, fingered, cupped, stroked, palmed, suckled, kneaded, hard-pressed. Stomach-sliding, legs-entangling, thrusting, churning, grinding, pulling, pushing, yanking, ticking, teasing... Oh, teeth. Nice. Bobbing, bobbing, bobbing, bobbing...fasterfasterfaster... OH GOD. Spit.
Admit it. You just copied this from Rex Reed's review of the first Superman movie.

rjung
03-07-2005, 03:29 PM
If there is any doubt that Dreamworks' computer-animation efforts are little more than pale copies of Pixar Animation Studio's works, Shark Tale will resolve that problem once and for all. The concept is straight from the cesspool of creativity known as the Hollywood boardroom meeting -- "It's like Finding Nemo, but hipper!" -- and the implementation is far worse. Having blown half the budget signing big-name celebrities, Dreamworks decided to get its money's worth by having its animators graft psuedo-likenesses of those stars onto badly-rendered computerized fish bodies, resulting in a film that looks like a movie-length version of Sega's creepy Seaman (http://thesegadreamcaster.tripod.com/reviews/screenshots/seaman_3.jpg) video game. And with the budget for this film blown on celebrity voices and advertising, it appears that Dreamworks only managed to pay its animators by pimping the movie itself; the film is a nonstop barrage of product placements and pop-culture references, giving it the same timeless appeal as a Flavor-of-the-Month Boy Band.

Proving that computer animation is no panacea for inept filmmaking, Shark Tale is one catch that should be thrown back -- hard.

meek
03-07-2005, 04:43 PM
Hollywood Movie Review - The Passion of the Christ. (Four Stars)

Savior Scores Big
By meek
Starring, written and directed by Mel Gibson, (who also wrote the screenplay based on his own novel) this comedy captures the brutal realism of pre-adult, pre-sexual-revolution life and has been imitated often, rarely equaled, and surpassed only once.

Despite the literary origins, the movie isn't much different from the conventional teen comedies from the eighties and nineties, but it's far funnier than most.

I would say it's in the same genre of movies such as There's Something About Mary: crude, crass, and vulgar, which would be somewhere between annoying and offensive if it weren't outright hilarious enough to compensate. Courtney Love provides a strong center to the film as Christ's mom Mary, but Jamie Foxx and Don Cheadle are the scene stealers as two of the young saviour's apostles. Sean Penn in a small cameo appearance as a surfer druggie dude, practically steals the whole movie.

The Passion of the Christ will really stand the test of time. This film will still have you reeling with laughter and tapping your feet along to those eclectic pop classics. Although the film remains largely prosaic, crude, stereotyped, and pointless, it's among the coolest high school films I've ever seen and it's one of the most representative movies of the ages.

What plot there is garnishes itself with an array of such like-minded sensibilities that you'd be hard pushed to find much in the way of fault. The panoply of teen types and turmoils is dead-on accurate. The movie is sublimely funny and interesting and it may turn out to be the greatest teen movie ever made.

Gibson has a huge presence in the film, and every whacked line he utters resonates with the sheer hilarity that he fully believes in what he says. The Passion of the Christ explores adolescent energy with elan and is truly a comedy gem.

;)

MacTech
03-07-2005, 04:47 PM
Citizen Kane;

Rosebud was his *sled!*, there, i just saved you two long, tedious hours
<apologies to Family Guy, that i blatantly sto...errrr...borrowed the review from>

I, Robut
This masterpiece stars Will Smith and his Decapodian partner John Zoidberg, M.D. in a quest to discover the dirty secret behind Mom's Freindly Robot Company's Bending Unit production plant, if they can't figure out why the bending units keep breaking the "three laws", we're all boned..... this movie has it all, love, passion, action, explosions and disembowling, and is rated M-14 (not appropriate for lifeforms from the M-14 galaxy)

Chastain86
03-07-2005, 04:51 PM
Out of all the films I've had the pleasure of seeing, Moonstruck is definitely a movie.

It's one of those movies you either love or you hate. Or else you just think it's okay.

Sir Rhosis
03-07-2005, 07:57 PM
Kill Bill I & II

Quentin Tarantino continues his exploration of violence in the cinema in this complex masterpiece concerning Uma Thurman's quest for vengeance against David Carradine. While in the hospital in a coma, her husband-to-be is murdered, and once she awakens, Hong Kung-Fu hijinks ensue.

Stylistically directed.

Sir Rhosis

roger thornhill
03-07-2005, 08:00 PM
[At the moment it's only me and Owl - but what the heck, I'm enjoying it]

As Stalin might have put it, Starship Troopers is a puzzle wrapped inside an enigma wedged into a Russian Doll. In attempting both to subvert essence and to explore distance, Verhoeven falls between two cinematic stools. Visually stunning, the picture draws upon an illusory metaphor that is itself a contradiction. By celebrating dialectic, he underpins his film at the same time as he undermines it. A work of art that doesn't quite work as art.

roger thornhill
03-08-2005, 06:21 AM
Just giving this a little bump, as my American cousins stir to face another hard day at the office. I know you've got it in you. Let it out.

ShibbOleth
03-08-2005, 07:02 AM
[At the moment it's only me and Owl - but what the heck, I'm enjoying it]


Did you know that you started two threads? There are a lot more reviews in the other one (http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=305747).

ShibbOleth
03-08-2005, 07:03 AM
*I'm bumping this up with the other thread (http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=305748)*

owlstretchingtime
03-08-2005, 07:14 AM
If you are looking for a fundamental exploration of the female psycho-sexual dynamic this film is for you.

Directed by Alan Smithee, a journeyman director by his own admission, this is perhaps the work that comes closest to an overview of his entire ouevre.

Perhaps based losely on la ronde this film offers a series of romantic vignettes that are loosely based around a sporting metaphor and explore the meaninglessness of much modern romantic transaction.

Beautifully lit, by an anonymous lightingman and cinematographer, with authentically "naive" dialogue, and a cast drawn mainly from amateur work this film is a stand out modern American Work

Jean Luc Goddard reviewing this film in Cahiers de Film simply wrote "Formidable", ands it's hard to disagree with the master. Yes this week's must see Film is Debbie Does Dallas.

roger thornhill
03-08-2005, 08:36 AM
Dude, Where's My Car? Can be seen as the missing link between the European Auteur school of film making and it's Hollywood Studio-system counterpart. Part art house project, part blockbuster, it has a foot in both camps whilst still holding onto it's fundamental counter culture values, so beloved of the Sundance festival set.

Offering a distopian view of teenage angst in a post industrial world, it takes as it's main theme the "Grail Quest" of European legend.

Our proud knights embark on a heroic quest to find the mythical, and totemic "car" despite their obvious drawbacks as traditional heroes. In an almost perfect reversal of traditional classical tragedic structure, catharsis, nemesis, hubris and hermatia are all visited on our protagonists in direct relationship to the proximity of their grail - the car. This is not the only dramatic theme that is subverted.

The concept of deus ex machina is thoroughly explored through the medium of the "car park" which doubles for the Elysian Fields of classical myth.

In short this is a film that repays many viewings at a variety of intellectual levels. The word "masterpiece" is an overused trope, but in Dude, Where's My Car? it finds a righful home.

roger thornhill
03-08-2005, 08:37 AM
Quentin Tarantino continues his exploration of violence in the cinema in this complex masterpiece concerning Uma Thurman's quest for vengeance against David Carradine. While in the hospital in a coma, her husband-to-be is murdered, and once she awakens, Hong Kung-Fu hijinks ensue.

Stylistically directed.

roger thornhill
03-08-2005, 08:38 AM
As Stalin might have put it, Starship Troopers is a puzzle wrapped inside an enigma wedged into a Russian Doll. In attempting both to subvert essence and to explore distance, Verhoeven falls between two cinematic stools. Visually stunning, the picture draws upon an illusory metaphor that is itself a contradiction. By celebrating dialectic, he underpins his film at the same time as he undermines it. A work of art that doesn't quite work as art.

roger thornhill
03-08-2005, 08:40 AM
If you are looking for a fundamental exploration of the female psycho-sexual dynamic this film is for you.

Directed by Alan Smithee, a journeyman director by his own admission, this is perhaps the work that comes closest to an overview of his entire ouevre.

Perhaps based losely on la ronde this film offers a series of romantic vignettes that are loosely based around a sporting metaphor and explore the meaninglessness of much modern romantic transaction.

Beautifully lit, by an anonymous lightingman and cinematographer, with authentically "naive" dialogue, and a cast drawn mainly from amateur work this film is a stand out modern American Work

Jean Luc Goddard reviewing this film in Cahiers de Film simply wrote "Formidable", ands it's hard to disagree with the master. Yes this week's must see Film is Debbie Does Dallas.

[With thanks to Shibb! I'll ask for the other thread to be closed.]

Jet Jaguar
03-08-2005, 10:08 AM
The Shawshank Redemption is a good movie. It's about a shawshank that gets redeemed. Everyone should see it.

Rufus Xavier
03-08-2005, 10:55 AM
Chain Reaction (1996) is a movie with a star-studded cast about some sort of miraculous alternative energy source. Probably the good guys want to make this energy available to the world free of charge while the bad guys want to suppress it forever so that they can continue to make money, the bastards. There's a bunch of chase scenes, I guess, with an "ice hovercraft" chase that might be exciting. It's PG-13, so it's violent but not too violent. I hate Keanu Reeves, so 1 star.

InvidiousCourgette
03-08-2005, 11:06 AM
Tarantino's Pulp Fiction continues the iconoclastic style of this stereotyped director. His continued exploration of the wood pulp industry is single-handedly developing a genre. Unfortunately his modus operandi adheres to the inclusion of a thematic style as wooden as its principle motif. While this generates a visceral symmetry to proceedings, it creates a tension that its celulose subject matter is ill equipped to sustain. One can only hope that the reputation of its stellar cast suffers no damage, particularly Mr. Travolta whose performance in Look Who's Talking Too puts into shade the entirety of this dead wood travesty.

jsgoddess
03-08-2005, 11:44 AM
Normally, you'd have to pay to get someone to lick their finger and shove it in your ear. That's what makes the premise of Free Willy so intriguing.

pinkfreud
03-08-2005, 11:57 AM
A Clockwork Orange is another in the series of fruit and vegetable-themed children's movies such as James and the Giant Peach and Veggie Tales that have become so popular lately. This charming film features the soothing music of Beethoven, as adapted by Walter Carlos's sister, Wendy. Roddy McDowall stars as Alec, whose many whimsical adventures are chronicled by director Stanley Kramer. Highly recommended for the family.

owlstretchingtime
03-08-2005, 12:35 PM
Cinema has a reputation for offering up a bubble-gum take on the human existance. Frothy romances, show tunes and Busby Berkely, as opposed to a serious insight into the great themes of life. Who are we? What is the nature of life? Where do we go to when we die?

Thankfullly, once in a generation, a film comes along that really attempts to answer the eternal questions with a version of it's own eternal verities.

This generation's film which truely examines the nature and meaning of life, and the relationship between the living and the dead (Church militant and church triumphant if you prefer) is Weekend at Bernies .

Owl gives this film three hoots!

C K Dexter Haven
03-08-2005, 03:45 PM
I've merged the two threads.

Scissorjack
03-08-2005, 04:30 PM
Scary Movie is a movie which is scary. It is, if you will, a scary movie. So if
you like movies which scare people, go and see Scary Movie.

Scary Movie 2, the sequel to Scary Movie, is another in the genre of "movies which scare people". If you liked Scary Movie and enjoy being scared by movies, watch Scary Movie 2.

Scary Movie 3 is like eating a great steaming mound of walrus shit with a small plastic teaspoon. If you like eating great steaming mounds of walrus shit with small plastic teaspoons, seek professional help.

roger thornhill
03-08-2005, 04:43 PM
Jarman's Blue works on two levels, both as postmodernist deconstruction and as visual feast. Shifting the semiotic plane as surely as he exploits camera angle, the director cocks a snook at normative social mores in a work that is as much tropic meme as memetic trope.

pinkfreud
03-08-2005, 04:51 PM
This is such a great thread! Thanx for creating it, Roger.

I loved "tropic meme as memetic trope." Reminded me of the predominant proto-concept which confounds us all as an inextricable component of the hierarchical distinction between chaos and creation.

roger thornhill
03-08-2005, 05:00 PM
This is such a great thread! Thanx for creating it, Roger.
It wasn't I who created it. Rather the thread created me.
I loved "tropic meme as memetic trope." Reminded me of the predominant proto-concept which confounds us all as an inextricable component of the hierarchical distinction between chaos and creation.
A pretty obvious intertextual allusion, I would have thought.

pinkfreud
03-08-2005, 05:03 PM
A pretty obvious intertextual allusion, I would have thought.
And an obviously pretty interallusory text, as well.

HPL
03-09-2005, 12:43 AM
The Lion, the Witch and the Wardobe is a movie about a bunch of hippies who find a magic camel while smoking pot. A truely epic slice of life that will make you re-evaluate your life.

roger thornhill
03-09-2005, 01:02 AM
Two men, a camera, and a town in Michigan that's seen better days. There, in a nutshell, you have the premise of Michael Moore's seminal work Roger and Me. But the attempt to distil the essence of this groundbreaking piece of cinéma verité is as futile as the attempt to squeeze the director into a pigeon-hole. There'll always be bits sticking out the side and through the narrow opening at the front you're meant to shove the letters through.

Commanding the vision of a latterday Emerson or Thoreau, Moore's camera captures the chimera that is modern America. Subverting the normal order of things, Moore eschews the easy road for the one less travelled. Few people will be unmoved as the radical iconoclast holds a mirror up to the documentary production process and unveils a portrait that is shocking in its ugliness and brutality.

owlstretchingtime
03-09-2005, 06:40 AM
There's a lot to be said for a truly feel good film It's a wonderful life and Mr Smith Goes to Washington are perhaps the leading lights in this under-rated genre. I'm pleased to announce another entry to the canon. The seventh seal has it all, chess, dancing, and a terrific pay-off. If you need cheering up during these dark winter nights Bergman's latest piece of froth is just for you.

asterion
03-09-2005, 09:24 AM
Napoleon Dynamite is Hollywood's latest biopic of Napoleon Bonaparte. Highlights include his frat boy days, escape from Elba, and defeat at Waterloo.

roger thornhill
03-09-2005, 05:38 PM
Le Passion de Jeanne d'Arc is less a movie than a cinematic experience. Like a fine Burgundy, the subtle aftertaste of its shaded nuances will be lost on all but the finest of palates. Defying the conventions of film noir, the foreshadowings of Bunuel and le wave nouveau make this a must-see for the cogniscento of cinéma vérité. The cadences of the French tongue blend seamlessly with the narrative and authenticate the eponymity of the titular heroine.

pinkfreud
03-09-2005, 05:46 PM
...the titular heroine.
Hey, she wasn't very titular in the movie I saw. In fact, she was downright flat-chested.

roger thornhill
03-09-2005, 05:55 PM
Hey, she wasn't very titular in the movie I saw. In fact, she was downright flat-chested.
A) I haven't seen the film - one doesn't need to in order to comprehend its inner meanings and sense its textures B) Take your smut elsewhere - this is not The Pit.

pinkfreud
03-09-2005, 06:16 PM
I have no way of knowing whether you're serious with the smut remark. If so, I truly didn't mean to be offensive. If I'd meant to be offensive, I would have said... oh, never mind.

roger thornhill
03-09-2005, 08:15 PM
Just joking! Here's another while I'm in the mood:

All Quiet on the Western Front is the definitive anti-war film. Not only did it inspire Lord Flasheart's damning indictment of mindless conflict, "Just because I can give multiple orgasms to the furniture just by sitting on it, doesn't mean that I'm not sick of this damn war: the blood, the noise, the endless poetry", it acted as John the Baptist to Oliver Stone's controversial Vietnam war trilogy. Never again will you sit through Heaven and Earth without thinking "you have a lot to answer for, you froggie bloke who wrote that book".

MovieMogul
03-09-2005, 08:40 PM
The cadences of the French tongue blend seamlessly... This fragment is by far the best part of the review. :snort: :D

Governor Quinn
03-09-2005, 09:10 PM
There are several things one notes when one sees Theda Bara's "Cleopatra".

Chief among these is the smoldering quality to her work, so smoldering, indeed, that it's a miracle that the film doesn't burn up or explode.

The other thing one notices is the subtle quality to the work. Nothing is overblown, there's not a trace of what the later generations would call "camp", and Bara's sexuality, while quite noticable (as stated above), is done in the best of taste.

In short, it is a masterpiece of its' time, and it's a pity that more people haven't seen it.

roger thornhill
03-09-2005, 09:13 PM
This fragment is by far the best part of the review. :snort: :D
Yeah, the if-it's-in-French-it-deserves-a-frigging-Oscar mentality.

MovieMogul
03-09-2005, 09:55 PM
Yeah, the if-it's-in-French-it-deserves-a-frigging-Oscar mentality.No, the fact that it's a silent movie, so there are no "cadences of the French tongue" to hear!

roger thornhill
03-09-2005, 10:10 PM
See, I didn't cheat. Never seen the thing!

Or heard it. But then that goes without, um, saying.

Tentacle Monster
03-09-2005, 11:02 PM
Doom:

To be fair, I have played the game. It involves a guy killing demons and the undead on Mars, occaisonally with a weapon known as the BFG9000. BFG stands for "Big Gun".

This movie does not take place on Mars, nor does it involve demons or the undead. It also stars Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson. There is, indeed, a BFG; only this time it stands for "Bio Force Gun".

This movie is the cinematic equivalent of a donkey punch: it leaves you feeling hurt, violated, and it can drop your IQ by a good ten points.

Merhouse
03-10-2005, 12:17 PM
I've never seen Gone With The Wind, but since The Wizard Of Oz (which I've seen) was also a 1939 movie, I think they were both part of a series that just never, uhm, took off.

Scumpup
03-10-2005, 12:25 PM
The Fast and The Furious is an unflinching documentary look at the seamy world of "rough trade" and male prostitution. Vin Diesel, an actor previously known for relatively small roles in such films as Saving Ryan's Privates, here volunteers to go undercover as an investigative journalist. Though the footage of the johns cruising in their often customized automobiles sometimes threatens to dominate the movie, it is Diesel's interaction with these sad denizens of the night that finally makes the movie a spiritually uplifiting experience.