An Open Letter to the Evolutionary Committee

[OtakuLoki]

Okay, ya twits.

You insisted that the prehensile tail was soooo last eon.

I tried to argue you out of it, but you, and all the anti-chimp bigots on the committee choose to override my reasonable concerns for our soon-to-be push button jockey descendants. *sigh*

I guess I can live with it. Since I have no choice.

But, if you're going to get rid of the fucking tail, why the Hell have you kept the coccyx? I mean, really. This makes the appendix look like a marvel of bio-engineering. If it were just a tad more flexible, instead of rigid, it could move with sudden shocks. If it were gone completely, it would be no problem at all.

As it is, I'm facing another month of pain thanks to you and a 20o slope on an icy driveway two weeks ago.

I'm sure the damned thing is busted, and there's diddly I can do about it. If I had a tail, this would be worthwhile - as it is if I have to suffer from the vulnerability of a bone that is easy to break from falling on one's ass why not get some of the benefits from that vulnerability, too.

Twits.

-Loki (Who's wishing that better drugs might be available 'til the damned thing heals. Or at least an annular pillow.)


As an aside challenge, is there any other body part that has such a silly name as the coccyx? (Man, what a ScrabbleTM word.)

[Smeghead]

Um, chimps don't have tails either.





Most worthless post ever.





Mine, not yours.

[Triskadecamus]

I think all the apes are tailless. It's the monkeys that have tails. I'm not sure about lemurs, though.

Tris

[Smeghead]

Lemurs have tails. Heck, there's a ring-tailed lemur.

[Enderw24]

Lemurs have tails. Heck, there's a ring-tailed lemur.

Nice try, but we all know how misleading names can be. For instance, the puff adder can neither puff, nor add. It's a snake.

[QuickSilver]

My sympathies OtakuLoki.

I did a vault in highschool gymnastics class (without a spot) and landed on a thin mat right on my ass. Never got my legs under me in time. :smack:

Damn that hurt. The pain shot straight up my spine to my brain and I was winded and afraid to take in a breath. :eek:

Hobbled around for a good week before I could sit without pain. :(


Hope you feel better soon! :)

[Cat Whisperer]

I believe lemurs are prosimians. Looked it up - yes, they are.

Totally agree with you about the tail - I would love a prehensile tail. And eyeballs on stalks, but that's a whole 'nother discussion.

[OtakuLoki]

Hmm.. the problem I have with eyeballs on stalks is that how would I wear my glasses, then? I've already admitted I'm too squeemish for contacts. And that would be the only choice.

Other than that, yeah, they'd be cool...

[John Mace]

I think all the apes are tailless. It's the monkeys that have tails. I'm not sure about lemurs, though.

Tris

"Lacking a tail" is one of the defining physical traits of an ape. Got a tail? Then you ain't an ape.

[LindyHopper]

I feel your pain. Literally. Well, not anymore, but earlier this winter, I slipped on my icy front steps, fell down, and bruised (not broke, thank God) my tailbone. Man, did that hurt. And yeah, it was about a month before I could sit down without pain, especially on a hard surface like the floor. Ouchie.

Hope you feel better soon.

Tailbones suck.

[audiobottle]

When I was little I remember sitting on the top of the middle seat in our minivan and dropping down into the normal part of the seat. One time I did this and landed right on the seatbelt buckle. Most of the pain has been blocked from my memory, but "throes of agony" sounds about right. I think the one thing that saved me from doing real damage (like cracked or broken something) was the fact that I was little, so I didn't weigh much.

[OtakuLoki]

What about those kids born every year with tails? Are you going tell them they aren't apes? (Of course I'd love to see you explaining to some large, and undereducated father that he's an ape, according to some taxonomic schemes. Not a plan that involves a long and happy, pain-free career, I'd think. :D)

Besides, I'm no ape. Alas. I'm a hominid. (Like I said, only according to some taxonomic schemes.)

[carnivorousplant]

What about those kids born every year with tails?

Dang right. There was a Yeti book in grade school that had a picture of a guy with a tail.

[OtakuLoki]

Umm.. seriously (http://www.visual-evolution.com/tails.htm), it's a rather well-known birth 'defect'. No real harm to it - and usually amputated at birth. (Hey the poor sucker is already pissed about leaving the womb, what's a little more pain?)

Besides, these tails are not usualy prehensile, as I understand it. *sigh*

[SkipMagic]

Umm.. seriously (http://www.visual-evolution.com/tails.htm), it's a rather well-known birth 'defect'.
The linked page is quoting Cecil!

[OtakuLoki]

The linked page is quoting Cecil!


Just for fun, here's Cecil's column (http://www.straightdope.com/classics/a1_077.html) on the topic.

[Lemur866]

What about those kids born every year with tails? Are you going tell them they aren't apes? (Of course I'd love to see you explaining to some large, and undereducated father that he's an ape, according to some taxonomic schemes. Not a plan that involves a long and happy, pain-free career, I'd think. :D)

Besides, I'm no ape. Alas. I'm a hominid. (Like I said, only according to some taxonomic schemes.)

If the word "ape" has any taxonomic meaning, then you are an ape. Any meaningfull group that includes both chimpanzees and gorillas (let alone orangutans) has to also include humans. A classification scheme that includes humans in Hominidae and chimps, gorillas and orangutans in Pongidae is phylogentically incoherent, since chimps are more closely related to humans than they are to either gorillas or orangutans.

And humans almost certainly never had an ancestor with a prehensile tail. Only new world monkeys have prehensile tails, and almost certainly evolved the trait after they split with old world monkeys and apes.

We lemurs do indeed have tails, but no species of lemur has a prehensile tail.

[Giles]

If the word "ape" has any taxonomic meaning, then you are an ape. Any meaningfull group that includes both chimpanzees and gorillas (let alone orangutans) has to also include humans. A classification scheme that includes humans in Hominidae and chimps, gorillas and orangutans in Pongidae is phylogentically incoherent, since chimps are more closely related to humans than they are to either gorillas or orangutans.
And presumably the genus Homo was described before the genus Pongo, so the family name is Hominidae, i.e., chimps, gorillas and orangutans are better described as hominids. (Though I don't really mind being called an ape).

[Darwin's Finch]

Nice try, but we all know how misleading names can be. For instance, the puff adder can neither puff, nor add. It's a snake.

Then there's the "flying lemur", which neither flies, nor is it a lemur (it's a dermopteran!).

[Cervaise]

Hmm.. the problem I have with eyeballs on stalks is that how would I wear my glasses, then? I've already admitted I'm too squeemish for contacts. And that would be the only choice.Well, think about it. The squirmy part of contacts is learning how to stick your finger in your eye to install the lens. But if your eyeballs are on prehensile stalks, this is no longer necessary; you can place the lens on any flat surface, and then lower your eyeball onto it. Problem solved.

Seems to me the biggest problem with eyeballs on stalks is worrying about some fratboy prankster tying them in a knot while you're sleeping.

[carnivorousplant]

tying them in a knot while you're sleeping.

YOu've been reading Keith Laumer. :)

[OtakuLoki]

You make it sound like this is a baaad thing. ;)

And for all you people insisting that there is no rational seperation on a genus scale between humans and apes, I do agree. Just being snarky by pointing out that there are serious taxonomic schema out there that place the apes and humans in seperate geni. Chauvinists. :p

[Biffy the Elephant Shrew]

Then there's the "flying lemur", which neither flies, nor is it a lemur (it's a dermopteran!).
Not to mention the elephant shrew, which is neither an elephant nor a shrew.

[Biffy the Elephant Shrew]

YOu've been reading Keith Laumer. :)
Is he a Ring-Tailed Laumer?

[coffeecat]

To hijack the thread in yet another direction, I surfed some on that Visual Evolution web page, and with a little practice, this lady (http://www.visual-evolution.com/images/poly/12_fingers.jpg) could be a kick-ass guitar player.

[carnivorousplant]

Is he a Ring-Tailed Laumer?

You can't tell from the pictures.
http://www.geocities.com/keithlaumer2002/

[carnivorousplant]

Seems to me the biggest problem with eyeballs on stalks is worrying about some fratboy prankster tying them in a knot while you're sleeping.

Ha!

http://www.alteredearth.com/farley/farart26.htm

[OtakuLoki]

To hijack the thread in yet another direction, I surfed some on that Visual Evolution web page, and with a little practice, this lady (http://www.visual-evolution.com/images/poly/12_fingers.jpg) could be a kick-ass guitar player.
Usually such 'deformities' are amputated at, or shortly after, birth AIUI. Granted, most cases of polydactylia (I think that's the term) involve partial, or non-functioning, digits. But it still seems like a bit of a Tyranny of the Norm.

BTW, as the OP, I have no objection to hijacks. As long as the mods don't mind, take things wherever you want.

[Cat Whisperer]

Well, think about it. The squirmy part of contacts is learning how to stick your finger in your eye to install the lens. But if your eyeballs are on prehensile stalks, this is no longer necessary; you can place the lens on any flat surface, and then lower your eyeball onto it. Problem solved.

Seems to me the biggest problem with eyeballs on stalks is worrying about some fratboy prankster tying them in a knot while you're sleeping.
I think they'd have to be retractable. They'd moved independently and be very bendy, so they could be used to indicate emotions, like eyebrows.

Is it just me, or does anyone else find the mutations like tails and extra fingers a little...off-putting?

[carnivorousplant]

Is it just me, or does anyone else find the mutations like tails and extra fingers a little...off-putting?

I dunno, I met a girl who had a thing for hooks.

[Triskadecamus]

I think polydactylia is extra fingers, not tails.

Tris

[carnivorousplant]

I think polydactylia is extra fingers, not tails.
Indeed, Dr. Lector was polydactyl and had a finger removed, better to hide as a serial killer.

[Askance]

I think polydactylia is extra fingers, not tails.

Indeed, and "extra fingers" is exactly what post #28 was talking about.

[Triskadecamus]

Well, who the heck wants to talk about fingers, in a thread about tails!

[Darwin's Finch]

polydactylia (I think that's the term)

Polydactyly (http://www.accessexcellence.org/RC/VL/GG/polydactyly.html)

[roger thornhill]

Then there's the "flying lemur", which neither flies, nor is it a lemur (it's a dermopteran!).
Then there's the "butterfly", which doesn't taste so good on baked potatoes and doesn't actually fly. It flutters. Or the "hippopotamus", which is neither hip nor a horse.

[sturmhauke]

The fish stick is neither a fish nor a stick. It is a fungus.

[carnivorousplant]

...fish stick is...a fungus.

Finally we get to something important!

:)

[Cat Whisperer]

Hey, some of my favourite foods are fungi. Mmm, tasty foods grown in poo.