I have a dilemma, need opinion, especially from females

[MagicalSilverKey]

Ok here is the deal: Last Friday night, I ran into a old high school classmate. I asked if her name was such-and-such, and then told her who I was. She was very happy to see me and we talked about 15-25 minutes. She was very sweet and looked incredible. I have always admired her. She was surprised that I recognized her after all these years. I asked her if she would like to go talk somewhere, but she said was with someone. She told me she is not married, which I have no reason to doubt. I don't know how "into" this guy she is. She simply called him "her friend" when she told me she wasn't with someone. The unclear situation of her being with this male individual, I didn't ask for her number, or give her mine.

My question is: She is in the phone book... I was thinking of sending her a very brief note about how much I enjoyed seeing her again, and tactfully give some type of invitation for us to meet again and chat. Or perhaps, simply give her my number in the letter and say something like, "feel free to call if you'd like" Nothing too eager.

Should I send her a card or something, just call, or leave her alone? I would really like to see her again. I have an unfortunante feeling that even though she likes me a lot, it could seem "invasive" to just up and mail or call from the phone book, unexpectedly.

I guess I should have "carpe diemed" when I had the chance and given her my number and/or address. :::sigh:::

[iampunha]

Try to "accidentally" meet with her again. Then ask her for her number . . . or give her yours, and tell her you'd like to talk or see her again some time.

Does she have any reason to say no? Did you ever do something to her she hated you for? If not, good luck.

[a35362]

Call her tomorrow and ask her out. Just Do It!

[nashiitashii]

Call her or write her a letter with a polite but sweet invitation to go have a cup of coffee or some small daytime activity, nothing too personal and formal at first.

Good luck

[Bluemonchichi]

I would sent her a short letter. I would find it perfectly acceptable for a male friend to do that to me. I would go ahead and include both your phone # and email so she has multiple ways to get ahold of you. :) Sending a letter keeps you from an awkward situation. Hope that helps! And next time get the phone number! :D

[Gatsby]

A single red rose with aforementioned tactful note. I know, it's a dusty cliché, but women do love flowers.

Caveats:

Do not send a dozen. She'll think you turned into a weirdo stalker.

Do not send them to her home. There's a good chance her boyfriend will be there when they arrive and this could lead to some substantial problems for all involved.

I do humbly suggest you do something. Missed opportunities are frightfully haunting. I know from experience. I have recently made a pledge to myself to take opportunity over embarassment. So far I have been embarassed twice.

You know what? Regret lasts a lot longer than embarassment.

[vandal]

In the letter, remind her of who you are, and that you met the other day. Also, let her know that you got her address from the phone book because she will probably wonder how you got it (you don't want to come off as a stalker).

Include your phone number and your email address. You may want to ask if she has an email address as well. Inform her that you'd like to meet up with her for drinks, but don't actually set a date in that initial letter.

Let her respond to the letter (either by sending you a letter, by calling you, or by emailing you), and take it from there. It'd be a plus if she took the initiative and set the date in her reply, but if not, set the date in your reply.

And if she doesn't respond at all, or if she responds that she is not interested, don't send a reply. You'll only come off as desperate and make things worse.

[TN*hippie]

Just call and casually mention that you'd like to meet and talk. Lunch or coffee is a non-threatening situation.
What's the worst that can happen? She can say "no."
You've lost nothing by asking.

[pLt]

MSK:

This is how slutboy would handle it ...

You phone, no notes, no letters, no flowers.

Just a quick call ... start with something like:

"I hope you don't mind my calling, I can't talk long ... but I was hoping you'd like to meet up for coffee some time next week?"

If she says yes - you say: "Great ... how does xxxxx sound at xxxxx on xxxxx?"

if she says yes - well done, quick chat then make an excuse to go and finish with "look forward to seeing you on xxxxxx"


if she says she doesn't want coffee - sad but you have to live with it

if the day you suggest is bad then say well ... how about xxxx (where xxxx is the day after) and then finish with, look, gotta go - I'll call you a bit closer to then and tee it up."

THEN - and this is the trick ... (recently told to me by a friend of mine)

call that day (or the night before) and tee it up then ...



Works like a charm ...

there is a 3 day rule ... call within 3 days you're desperate.
call after 3 days - you're a bastard.


Good luck :)

[yosemite]

Something about a postcard seems so harmless, and not
"too" personal. I like postcards. They come with a picture you can put on your fridge, and it's meant to be short and pithy.

You might try finding a cute postcard, or a scenic one. Send it to her, write a short, chatty little note, and include (at least) your email address. Say something simple like "It was nice seeing you again!" Go for it. It's worth a shot!

Good luck!

[stuyguy]

First of all: good for you!

Second of all: Whatever you do, do something! ANY lame-brained attempt to ask her out is better than doing nothing.

Third of all: Do not compel her to do the work of writing you a reply letter or making a return call she may not want to make. So, if you can muster the courage, I say go with pLt's plan. (Hey, we TV guys have to stick together -- even if he is on the other side of the world.) And Vandal makes an EXCELLENT point about telling her where you got the #.

Fourth of all: If the phone call is just too damn scary (I know it can be... nothing to be ashamed of there) go with yosemitebabe's idea. The postcard thing has a really, really nice touch to it! But apply some of Vandal's ideas, especially about including your email so she has that option to respond -- email is SO much easier than a real letter, but not as nervewracking as a phone call.

Fifth of all: Do NOT try to "accidentally" meet her, and -- unless she's 17 or younger -- DO NOT do the flower(s) thing!

[Gatsby]

DO NOT do the flower(s) thing!

I specifically said do not send flowers.

A single rose gets the intention across better than a postcard. It's a do or die. If she's not interested, you won't hear from her again.

With the postcard you could wind up in "friend" land before you know it. Which is no place to be if you are romantically interested.

[single files]

From a single woman's point of view... Do exactly as pLt says. Seriously. Quick phone call. Casual. She's probably interested if she mentioned she wasn't attached. Just go for it, and try not to sound nervous. As for that 3 day call back rule ...... I don't know where he got that, but I got a laugh out of it. Leaves a very small window between desparate and bastard. Good luck.

[Crusoe]

A flower says "I know I only met you again the other day, but I'm interested in being more than friends" -- that's going to scare some people off right away. A phone call says "Let's catch up, see if we hit it off as friends". If you're serious, it's far better to take it slowly than it is to rush in.

[Pandora]

The postcard thing sounds cute (I would like that...)
It would be really cool if you could find a postcard of your school, or someplace/thing that has to do with the place where you grew up. Might bring back nice memories, and/or a desire to talk about "old times" with someone who was there.

[Needs2know]

Call her...the only thing she can do is say no. Call and ask her out to dinner. Eight months ago I ran into a couple of guys that I knew from high school. One of them looked up my number and called. I wasn't attached and we went out to dinner. We've been seeing each other ever since. I was married 17 years and have only dated three other men since my divorce in 93. One of them turned out to be a real creep. I was beginning to think that I might as well hang it up. Then an old friend comes along and calls. It's been fun, relaxed and we have so much in common, a shared history.

Besides I personally like a man to take an interest in me. I don't want anyone crude taking an interest but a sincere interest from a gentleman is always welcome. Even if this woman is dating someone right now, you could still be friends. I don't know about you but I just can't have to many friends, especially good ones.

Needs2know

[lunapark]

I second the postcard. I think i short note is your best bet here, and i wouldn't think you were a pyscho if you sent me one. She said he was just a friend, so just leave it at that.

[Kiki]

I agree with ply. I think a phone call would be best. You could just say that you'd like to get together and catch up on what's been going on in her life since high school. The worst thing she can do is say no. More than likely she'll accept your invitation and when you get together you can find out if she's dating someone or if she's unattached.

As others have said, Do Something!! There's nothing worse than a lost opportunity!!

[SaxFace]

Eiwwww, do NOT send flowers. Or a flower. That is beyond creepy. If I got a flower from someone who I recently ran into, I would lock all my doors and get a gun.

I'm with the folks who suggest calling and keeping it very casual and laid back. Nothing makes women run and hide if she smells desperation.

[wring]

Do NOT send the flower. while "women love that sort of thing" - this does NOT mean we LIKE having some casual contact result in a gift. creepy, in my opinion.


calling has it's pitfalls - you can catch some one at a bad time and/or cause problems if she's semi attached but trying not to be (which is one interpretation of "I'm not married but 'with a friend')

Postcard has the problem of being out in the open to anyone with access to the mailbox, which, if she's living with the guy but trying to exit, would be a problem.

I like short little note/card, go for light, humorous, "enjoyed bumping into you", wanna go for coffee (daytime thing perfect "drinks" not a good idea -too many potential problems - if she's in recovery for example), multiple ways of getting in touch (phone, address, e-mail) and definately mention you looked her up in the phone book as to how you got the address.

but by the time you read all these, you've waited almost too long already - go to the card shop, NOW.... good luck.

[KimKatt]

My vote goes for the phone call. Quick, brief, not threatening, in my opinion. Seems more like an impulse than a planned out thing too, definitely less stalker like.

And I totally agree - whatever you decide to do, DO SOMETHING!!!!!

[kunilou]

I can't believe no one has suggested this.

Can you find her e-mail address?

All the charm of a short note and easier to repsond to, with none of the potential discomfort of a phone call.

I recently ran across an old college girlfriend on the Net, dropped her an e-mail. Apparently she thought about it overnight and decided I wasn't trying to stalk her. We've had several nice exchanges since then.

[ReservoirDog]

Dude, it has been six days. Now is the time to call your babies!

And don't forget, you're money, baby!

[lolagranola]

I agree with your original of sending a little note. Keep it casual, as maybe she doesn't know yet how involved she is with this guy. If it's getting serious, then you don't want to come across as hitting on her. Just a little note saying that you'd like to keep in touch. That leaves the ball in her court, with no pressure. And if things change with her, she'll still have your phone number and e-mail address.

[Geobabe]

DEFINITELY get in touch with her--as has been said, you have nothing to lose and everything to gain. I would be flattered if I ran into a guy from HS and he remembered me and was interested.

A phone call is OK as long as you keep it casual--"It was so nice running into you like that. I'd like to get together and catch up, how about coffee or lunch?" If you don't feel up to a call, a note or card would be good--the postcard does have the problem of being readable by any- and everyone. Do give her multiple ways of reaching you--phone, including work if she can call you there, and email. Definitely mention that you got her number or address from the phone book.

Good luck!

[Minxsmom]

Call her.

Speaking for myself, a note is a cute idea, and I would enjoy getting one. But, I would never respond - not necessarily because I was not interested - just because I'm too busy and personal things slip my mind easily. By the time I would get around to responding, a week or two would have passed, then I would be too embarrassed to respond because so much time had passed.

Like the others said, keep it light, lunch or coffee to "catch up and talk about the good old days" - I would love a call like that.

[MagicalSilverKey]

Hmmm, just what I was afraid of:

phone call = 10 votes
postcard or letter = 8 votes
undecided = 2 votes
misc = 3 votes

::::sigh:::: Looks like majority rule is to call, which scares the poop outta me. What if John Doe answers the phone?

I like the email idea. She told me she works as computer op. at the hospital. I'm sure she has email. I think I will try Classmates.com and see if she's registered. If not, I guess I gotta do the snail mail thing with a fun card and short note. Thanks people :D

[stuyguy]

So, MSK, whatdja end up doing?

Details. We want some details.

[MagicalSilverKey]

Originally posted by stuyguy
So, MSK, whatdja end up doing?

Details. We want some details.

I waited too long. I had other more important things to do, like get a newe job (which I did) and take care of other priorites. Damn responsibility, damn it to hell! lol Never gonna get any dates now. I will be working my ass off.

[MagicalSilverKey]

(Charlton Heston voice: at end of Planet of the Apes)
DAMN typos! Damn them all to helllllll!

[stuyguy]

It's not too late, so stop wimping out.

Look, you've been a busy guy... you just got a new job... you're a go-getter. Trust me, she'll understand. What better excuse is there? I mean, more bucks for her to suck out of you as she turns you into nothing more than a head-nodding, walking ATM, the good-for-noth... uh oh... sorry I got a little carried away with my own problems there. I'm sure your friend is a lovely girl.

Seriously, though. She still remembers you, and the situation is NOT unsalvageable... I KNOW the other Dopers would agree with me.

Make a deal with yourself right now. Here are the terms:

Stop beating yourself up for not having contacted her(carrot) but resolve to do it now (stick).

That being said, send that email. Or make that call. Or mail that postcard.

Go ahead, do it now.

[dpr]

Call her.

Just be friendly. Tell her she popped up in your thoughts again today (possibly mention something that reminded you of her). Act casual and just suggest you don't think you should leave it so long before catching up again. Suggest a coffee - non-threatening, casual and friendly. The trick (if you want to call it that) is to appear a little indifferent.

Ignore the second paragraph perhaps but give her a call!!! The only thing you've got to lose is a reason to gripe about what could have been.

Carpe diem (at worst you can carpe cerevisi later)

[stuyguy]

MSK:

You know dpr is right.

You know I'm right.

Call her. It really is no big deal.


(Hey dpr, what is it with you Australian guys and the humorless 3-consonant handles... namely dpr and pLt? Just a coincidence?)

[capybara]

And if Mr Doe answers, then at least you know there IS one and you can save your pride in the knowledge that she rejected you for a good 3d party reason and not because she thinks you're icky. With an unreturned letter you would never have any clue as to what her response was.

[ponch]

flower - you look like a stalker, what if her "other" sees it. What if she's not interested, then she's stuck with a flower, and the dilema of how to bruch you off. Which will eventually lead to a phone call, she decides when to call you. Meanwhile, you're stuck with the question, did she get it?, did she like it? etc, etc, etc...

note - see flower.

Call her. Ask her out, cut out the middleman. Then you will immediatelly have your answer and not have to worry about what she thinks, because you will know.

That's how Ponch would handle it. But then again, what do I know.

[KimKatt]

MSK:

It's not too late.

It is almost never too late.

Call her, already.

[barton]

Email is probably the easiest way to do it. However, it's a good idea only if you know how to write decently.

BTW if you need a Cyrano here I've pulled this off successfully before. ;)

Second vote would be phone call. But another problem with that is the possibility no one is at home - then you're stuck leaving a message, which is always awkward. Nobody alive can leave a good message.

Lastly - A flower, even one, is too much. Flowers are for when you've fucked up, not before you get started.

[handy]

Flowers are for ANYTIME. Just pick the right ones.

Phone calls say you are too lazy to come in person.

Email says you are too lazy or uninterested to call.

Go see her, ask her, 'what time would you like to have dinner tonight, 530pm or 630pm?'

[handy]

Also, Cyrano is on the net. Have him write you a love letter:
http://www.nando.net/toys/cyrano.html

[dragonlady]

MSK,
If it's been YEARS since high school and she was glad to see you, how is a week too late??? DON'T WIMP! You know you want to. DO IT!!! And a big WOOHOO on the job! Can we get details???

[a35362]

Originally posted by ponch
flower - you look like a stalker, what if her "other" sees it? What if she's not interested? Then she's stuck with a flower, and the dilemma of how to brush you off.

How on Earth does sending a woman flowers make one look like a stalker? I am astonished. A stalker is an evil loser who won't take "no" for an answer, someone who would follow a woman home and then hide in the shrubbery. MSK hasn't even approached her yet.

If her "other" sees it, then the poor dope knows he's got competition, and may the better man win the fair lady's heart!

Personally, I think a note looks timid, and an e-mail looks lazy, like you're a player casually trolling for chicks. "Hey, babe. Wanna?" is not the impression you want to make.

Call her! If she's not interested, she'll let you know.

[ponch]

excuse my diction, a678932784023....

my point, you don't see someone for years, you strike up a casual conversation...you send flowers.

you're right, stalker is the wrong word, maybe loser is the right word. Too much of a wuss to call, but hey, let's make you really uncomfortable by sending you flowers....you're kinda skipping a step.

[Medea's Child]

I vote for calling her, even if you have to leave a message.

Flowers do feel creepy. I don't get wierded out by much, but I think I would start locking my door and stop changing in front of open windows. I love flowers, I even love surprise flowers. From someone I am already involved with. From someone who is a mere option, scary. Desperate, which factors into a mental calculation of just how desperate and crazy is this man? Some guy from high school shows up and randomly gives me a flower. Only way to make it look more like the bad beginning of a teen scream flick would be to leave it on the windshield of my car.

[Irishman]

Lots of confusing advice here. I'll add my 2 cents.

Don't send a red rose. Don't do it. REALLY, I mean it. A red rose is way to powerful for a first signal. Trust me, from experience. I had a first date with a woman set up through a dating service. I thought I'd be romantically fun and bring one red rose. While waiting at the restaurant, I kept getting questions if it was our anniversary or if I was proposing. Should have been clues. She came, we had an okay time, I thought we were doing okay. She never returned my calls after that.

Call her. Or send an email. Say you enjoyed running into her and would like to catch up. Lunch, coffee, something casual. A postcard or note or letter seems a little contrived in our spontaneous world. Maybe it can be cute, but I think it will just be easy to overlook. A phonecall has the advantage of seeming spontaneous, yet being personal. Of course you could end up getting a machine, and having to leave a message. Consider that possibility ahead of time, and draft a message so you don't sound completely stupid. An email will also work, if you can find her email address. But realize that the more complex the contact method, the more effort it takes to find that info, the more she is going to notice you took effort, and that can be a good or a bad thing.

I say call her.

But this is advice from a guy who can't get a date to save the world.

[a35362]

Originally posted by Medea's Child
I vote for calling her, even if you have to leave a message.

Flowers do feel creepy. I don't get weirded out by much, but I think I would start locking my door and stop changing in front of open windows. I love flowers, I even love surprise flowers. From someone I am already involved with. From someone who is a mere option, scary. Desperate, which factors into a mental calculation of just how desperate and crazy is this man? Some guy from high school shows up and randomly gives me a flower. Only way to make it look more like the bad beginning of a teen scream flick would be to leave it on the windshield of my car.

Well, but he's not a total stranger. And it's not out of the blue; they did talk the other day.

I would say hold off on flowers unless and until they go out on a date. Then, if she opens the door and sees MSK standing there with his shoes shined and his hair neatly combed and parted down the middle and with his best bowtie on and a big Andy Hardy grin on his face, clutching two or three flowers in a tissue (instead of a big bouquet)...why, we'd be right proud o' ya, son.

Oh: and "The Meaning of Flowers" favors red tulips for "a declaration of love." Just so you know.

[PunditLisa]

Count me in the "DON'T SEND FLOWERS" category.

I'd send her a little note, but just say "Good hearing from you again. John " or something equally short and light. And be sure to use stationery that includes your e-mail address. (You can create your own easily on the computer.)So she knows where to reach you if she wants, but she doesn't feel pressured into doing so -- like she would if you sent her flowers.

And do it SOON, cause the later you wait, the less likely you'll do it.

Good Luck!

[Geobabe]

Originally posted by handy

Flowers are for ANYTIME. Just pick the right ones.

Phone calls say you are too lazy to come in person.

Email says you are too lazy or uninterested to call.

Go see her, ask her, 'what time would you like to have dinner tonight, 530pm or 630pm?' I totally disagree with that last one--going to her home or workplace would be far more stalker-like than sending a flower. I would be very creeped out if a guy showed up where I was unless I knew in advance he was coming.

[dpr]

Originally posted by stuyguy

(Hey dpr, what is it with you Australian guys and the humorless 3-consonant handles... namely dpr and pLt? Just a coincidence?)

It's a poor household: we can't afford vowels.

And who says they're humourless? You obvioulsy don't know what they stand for....

[stuyguy]

I will not bite.

[dpr]

oh and btw...

CALL HER MSK!!!!!!

[pLt]

MSK you have nothing to lose and everything to gain here ...

Make the call, be casual and be polite and most importantly be yourself. All you are doing is suggesting coffee. If I have to make the phone call for you I won't be impressed. For script help see my first post all the way at the top of the page.

If worst comes to worst, you can fly to Australia and become a student at my 'Slutboy Academy for Debauchery and Sleaziness"

[DRY]

Originally posted by Medea's Child
I don't get wierded out by much, but I think I would start locking my door and stop changing in front of open windows...Only way to make it look more like the bad beginning of a teen scream flick would be to leave it on the windshield of my car.

Tell me, do you pay ANY ATTENTION AT ALL during these teen scream flicks? Changing in front of open windows makes you the first woman to get offed during said films. At least if you get the flower on the windshield, you MIGHT be the female lead, and you'd at least have half a chance of surviving the flick.

Please tell me that you at least one of the following isn't true:

You're pretty.
You're blonde.
You're not a virgin.

Otherwise...well, I hope you weren't planning to be in the sequel...unless it's as "the twin sister".

Re the OP: I agree with the majority of the others: Call her.

[Crusoe]

You haven't seen this person in a while. Things have happened in your life that she doesn't know about, and vice versa. If you are interested, the best advice is to take it slowly. Get to know her in a "no strings attached" way -- not only is she already "with partner", but you aren't much more than an acquaintance to her at the moment.

Phone or email (they're both casual enough forms of communication) and suggest a coffee or lunch. Dinner, maybe, but I think dinner may look more like a date than lunch does. If you phone and end up speaking to her partner, well, don't panic. You're an old friend who bumped into her and wants to catch up -- nothing to feel guilty about.

A letter is a beautiful way to communicate, but can suggest that you've put a specially large amount of effort into contacting her -- would you normally write to any of your other friends to suggest meeting, or just phone/email? Flowers suggest that right from the off you're interested in more than just friendship. Even if this is the case, you could well scare her off at this early stage. Save them for much, much later.

My best advice is to treat this like you would catching up with any other old friend. You're more likely to damage a potential romance by rushing it than by taking it too slowly, in my humble opinion.

Good luck.

[TwistofFate]

dont call her!!! send her a pigs heart, with 9 inch nails through it, surrounded by barbed wire in a heart shaped candy box. then strip naked, cover yourself in warpaint and go scream at her window for 2 days.

sure-fire attention grabber.



or else send her a short note.

oh, GOOD LUCK!