Ask me your Dear Abby questions

[The Weird One]

My real name is Abby, so naturally this lead to a certain amount of "Dear Abby" jokes growing up. So, I figure, it's about time I take a go at this advice column business. Got a problem? Ask away! I'll answer all questions to the best of my abilities.*


*Disclaimer: this should not be taken to mean that I possess any actual advice-giving abilities. All askers should bear in mind that they are requesting advice from someone called The Weird One.

[Earthworm Jim]

Dear Abby,

My neighbor ran over my dog yesterday. I'm pretty sure he did it on purpose, on account o' the way I slashed his tires last week. It's his own damn fault for stealing my garden gnome & re-painting him to be "anatomically correct", y'see.

Anyway, I captured his cat. If I barbeque it up like I'm thinking, should I use a gas grill or charcoal?

Signed,

Fuedin'

[The Weird One]

Dear Abby,

My neighbor ran over my dog yesterday. I'm pretty sure he did it on purpose, on account o' the way I slashed his tires last week. It's his own damn fault for stealing my garden gnome & re-painting him to be "anatomically correct", y'see.

Anyway, I captured his cat. If I barbeque it up like I'm thinking, should I use a gas grill or charcoal?

Signed,

Fuedin'

Dear Fuedin'

Cats, as you are probably aware, have long been associated with witches and devil-worship. In addition, the little buggers love to tear up furniture and barf all over the house. Getting rid of it would probably only be doing your neighbor a favor. Instead, I recommend you talk to your local satan-worshippers about a basic demonic-possession spell for the cat. Then give it back to the neighbors and let it do all your havoc-wrecking for you.

Abby

[swampbear]

Dear Abby,

Like, I was, you know, in the mall? Like, you know, with Tiffany and Brittney? Like, Tiffany and Brittney wanted to, you know, like, go and, you know, like, shoplift some stuff at the Gap? Like, I'm like, you know, rippin' off the Gap, is so, you know, last year? Like, I thought, you know, like, we should go rip some stuff off from, like, Aeropostle, which, like, you know, I can't really spell, but like, you know is [i]the[/b] place to, like, you know, shoplift this year? Like, Tiffany and Brittney go all, like, you know, we like, you know, stuff at, like the Gap? Like, I go like, you know, like the Gap is, like, you know, all like, you know last year? Like, me and Tiffany and Brittney, you know, like, get in this, like, you know, really big, like, you know, arguement? Like, you know, now, we aren't speaking cause, like, you know, we're like, you know, all mad and stuff? Like, you know, Dear Abby, like, you know, like, who's right, you know? Like, would you have, you know, like, you know, just, like, gone along with your, like, you know friends and lifted like, you know stuff from like the, you know, soooooo last year place to like, you know, shoplift? Like, you know, everybody would've, like, you know, laughed at us, for, like, you know, being, like all last year and stuff, you know? Like, Dear Abby, you know, like, I really need, like, your, you know, advice on like, you know, what to do?

Hip Lifter

[Ol'Gaffer]

Dear Weird One:
I have a problem and I hope you can help. My brother's sister-in-law (who I'll call Mary because that's her name) recently had twins, George and Edna. Cute little buggers but you just don't know how weird it is to call a 6-month-old girl Edna until you actually have to. Well, my cousin Lester (my Uncle Henry's boy) has been babysitting George while my nephew Walter has been watching Edna. Now the problem is that George doesn't really like being apart from Edna but Lester and Walter don't get along too well and whenever they get together one of 'em always ends up in the backseat of Sheriff Hardy's station wagon which drives everyone crazy because Grandma Laney went to school with the Sheriff and knows her from way back. So we tried letting Walter watch George and Edna but he has a hard time keeping up with the both of them, probably due to his only having one leg and all. We then tried letting Lester watch them but Edna got into Bobby Sue's purse and chewed up all of her Juicy Fruit - whoo wee...what a mess that was. It sure seemed like a waste to let all of that gum go, it only being partially chewed, so me and Grandma spent all afternoon picking the foil out that sticky mass. So now Mary is thinking about quitting her job at the Wild Mare Gentleman's Lounge (she says her tips were way down since the C-section) and staying home with the kids and picking up some hours at the DQ. But this would mean that Junior would have to back to work at the landfill and he says he's not going back until 1) they realize that he's management material and 2) they apologize for accusing him of taking that mattress for Thelma's (Grandma's cousin Emma's older girl) wedding present.

Please help Weird One. How can we convince Junior to go back to work at the landfill? Shopping at his weekly yard sale used to be the highlight of Grandma's week.

Thanks,

Backwoods Bargain Hunter

[The Weird One]

Dear Abby,

Like, I was, you know, in the mall? Like, you know, with Tiffany and Brittney? Like, Tiffany and Brittney wanted to, you know, like, go and, you know, like, shoplift some stuff at the Gap? Like, I'm like, you know, rippin' off the Gap, is so, you know, last year? Like, I thought, you know, like, we should go rip some stuff off from, like, Aeropostle, which, like, you know, I can't really spell, but like, you know is [i]the[/b] place to, like, you know, shoplift this year? Like, Tiffany and Brittney go all, like, you know, we like, you know, stuff at, like the Gap? Like, I go like, you know, like the Gap is, like, you know, all like, you know last year? Like, me and Tiffany and Brittney, you know, like, get in this, like, you know, really big, like, you know, arguement? Like, you know, now, we aren't speaking cause, like, you know, we're like, you know, all mad and stuff? Like, you know, Dear Abby, like, you know, like, who's right, you know? Like, would you have, you know, like, you know, just, like, gone along with your, like, you know friends and lifted like, you know stuff from like the, you know, soooooo last year place to like, you know, shoplift? Like, you know, everybody would've, like, you know, laughed at us, for, like, you know, being, like all last year and stuff, you know? Like, Dear Abby, you know, like, I really need, like, your, you know, advice on like, you know, what to do?

Hip Lifter

Dear Hip Lifter,

I sympathize with your plight. It's hard being a teenager. I recommend that you continue not talking to Tiffany or Brittney, and stop talking to the rest of us, until you can communicate like an intelligent human being. I also recommend you enroll in a scientific study at the new Mad Scientist College (http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=304591&page=1&pp=50). They can implant a chip which will give you an electric shock at every extraneous use of the words "like" and "you know." If this fails, I know a good surgeon who specializes in tongue removal.

The Weird One

[The Weird One]

Dear Weird One:
I have a problem and I hope you can help. My brother's sister-in-law (who I'll call Mary because that's her name) recently had twins, George and Edna. Cute little buggers but you just don't know how weird it is to call a 6-month-old girl Edna until you actually have to. Well, my cousin Lester (my Uncle Henry's boy) has been babysitting George while my nephew Walter has been watching Edna. Now the problem is that George doesn't really like being apart from Edna but Lester and Walter don't get along too well and whenever they get together one of 'em always ends up in the backseat of Sheriff Hardy's station wagon which drives everyone crazy because Grandma Laney went to school with the Sheriff and knows her from way back. So we tried letting Walter watch George and Edna but he has a hard time keeping up with the both of them, probably due to his only having one leg and all. We then tried letting Lester watch them but Edna got into Bobby Sue's purse and chewed up all of her Juicy Fruit - whoo wee...what a mess that was. It sure seemed like a waste to let all of that gum go, it only being partially chewed, so me and Grandma spent all afternoon picking the foil out that sticky mass. So now Mary is thinking about quitting her job at the Wild Mare Gentleman's Lounge (she says her tips were way down since the C-section) and staying home with the kids and picking up some hours at the DQ. But this would mean that Junior would have to back to work at the landfill and he says he's not going back until 1) they realize that he's management material and 2) they apologize for accusing him of taking that mattress for Thelma's (Grandma's cousin Emma's older girl) wedding present.

Please help Weird One. How can we convince Junior to go back to work at the landfill? Shopping at his weekly yard sale used to be the highlight of Grandma's week.

Thanks,

Backwoods Bargain Hunter

Dear BBH,

Dear Og, you're giving me flashbacks to visiting my Mother's people when I was a young'un. I have a few suggestions:

1. Why not let the hound-dogs watch the tikes? Heck, it worked for Romulus and Remus (http://www.iol.ie/~coolmine/typ/romans/romans9.html)! Grandma can keep an eye on things and make sure none of the dogs starts shaking the kids too bad, and hey, if the little ones start eating dog doo, at least they'll have a good shot at appearing in a John Waters movie (http://www.theslant.com/arts_media/articles/pink_ar.html).

2. As far a Junior goes, tell him to get off his high horse. He sure ain't gonna get a management job sitting on his ass all day long. Maybe he could help Mary work on her dance routine?

3. Tell Mary a little makeup should cover that scar just fine, and if she's still not getting enough tips, she just needs to dress sluttier.

The Weird One

[QuickSilver]

Does this look infected to you?

[nitroglycerine]

Dear Abby,
Got a problem. I’m a decent, underpaid, hardworking county coroner.
It’s important that my family eat meat at least three times a week, but we just can’t afford to with the prices the way they are, so I bring home some choice cuts from my autopsy subjects. Just mix in the tuna helper and ta-da!

The whole family thinks my new meals are delicious. They ask me what’s
my secret.

Abby, I think they’re getting suspicious. My smart-ass 8-year-old keeps
asking, where’s all the meat? The red dye #2 kind that’s kept in the fridge.

If they find out the truth I don’t think they’ll understand. Abby, what do I tell
my family?



10 cool points for the correct answer :)

[kunilou]

Dear Abby,

I never thought I'd be writing to a men's magazine.

What? Oh, I'm sorry. Wrong thread.

[Iceland_Blue]

Dear Abby,
Hi!Hi!Hello!Greetings!How are you?
I have a number of personalities of varying genders and ages and I want to know which one I should let run my life for me.Most of the time I am a young blonde American high school cheerleader named Victoria and that is the personality I like the most,but at weekends I am taken over by the spirit of a slave worker in ancient Egypt and if I were to let him go,then the building of the Pyramids may suffer.Then,I hear the voices from the docking craft where I am a military commander in the future in the Great Planetary War and the success of our mission depends on me maintaining this persona for long periods at a stretch.It's so confusing cos sometimes the personalities try to take over from each other or fight...and then it all ends up as a squabble of voices.Then others come and go...last Christmas I ended with six and a half personalities-the half actually materialized during a pub quiz night,causing a great disturbance in the Sport round.
Who should I be?Which personality should I drop that would cause me the least damage?Please help us...we're so confused...who am I?Help...help...the voices are calling me to accept another personality.I can't take any more.I am five people already.I can't be any more...

[racer72]

Deer Abby-
My name is Cletus .my wife rhonda and me got marryd last week, Las nite i got a big pimplle on my back.. i askd rhonda to pop it and she says no. SHe sais she caint pop pimpls till we is not noolyweds anymor. i would axx my granma but shes in jale agin. how long will it bee berfor we is not noolywds any mor. Cletus.

[sweetfreak]

Dear Abby,

There is...someone I think about all the time. She haunts my dreams, and my waking hours. She is the only person I think about.
Sometimes, I sit by the window on a rainy day, wiping my steak knife clean, staring off into the clouds, thinking of nothing but her.
How do I get her off my mind, Abby? I want to find her, and tell her about my feelings, about what I want to do to her, for her. I could make her very happy.
Every morning, when I open the newspaper, there she is, her lovely, lovely face, staring at me, inviting me to find her.
I will. I will find her. I have been paying close attention, doing research, and someday she will be mine.
She speaks to me. Every time I read her column in the newspaper, she speaks her words of love to me.
Please, Abby, how do I let this woman know that I am the one for her?
And how can I let her know that the one in the trunk was just a fling, nothing serious, nothing to compare to her.

Signed,

I will be waiting for your answer.

[sweetfreak]

Quick note to the mods:

If that last post is too scary or offensive, please feel free to remove it from the thread.

I do have a rather demented sense of humor sometimes and don't really mean any harm.

[eleanorigby]

Dear Abby-
My husband of 20 years just told me that I am plain vanilla in bed and he wants moosetracks.

does this mean he wants to do it with animals or am I shopping at the wrong grocery store?

Signed,

Ethel Iphenegia McFudd.

[eleanorigby]

Dear Abby-
My husband of 20 years just told me that I am plain vanilla in bed and he wants moosetracks.

does this mean he wants to do it with animals or am I shopping at the wrong grocery store?

Signed,

Ethel Iphenegia McFudd.

[Iceland_Blue]

Oh goodie another stalker :D

[sweetfreak]

Oh goodie another stalker :D
Another stalker??? :eek:
How many do you have? :D

[eleanorigby]

Dear Abby-
I am so sorry for the double post. I abase myself.
ER

Dear Abby-
I have a tendency to repeat myself. (see above double post) What can be done about it?
ER


PS-did I mention that I have this short term memory problem so I keep repeating myself and double posting?

[Shagnasty]

Dear Abby,

I was at a party about a year ago. Me and the guys were in the kitchen playing poker and a bunch of women were in the living room. We were all pretty drunk. I bet three of the guys $20 that I could produce more semen than they could. They took the bet and we masturbated into these little jars that we found. We measured an I won! However, we left the jars on the counter and went out to smoke. While we were gone, some of the women came in, saw the jars, and thought it would be funny to take a turkey baster and artifically inseminate themselves. Sure enough, three of them got pregnant, one with twins. Now the kids are three months old and the women are demanding compensation and help raising the child. The problem is, we have no idea who belongs to who. DNA tests may not be the best way to go because we may not like our biological child the best out of the bunch. Nobody wants the twins and I have my heart set on this scrapping boy.

Should we use a dice game or a card game to sort out the kids?

[The Weird One]

Does this look infected to you?

Dear Quicksilver,

I dunno; does it taste infected?

The Weird One

[The Weird One]

Dear Abby,
Got a problem. I’m a decent, underpaid, hardworking county coroner.
It’s important that my family eat meat at least three times a week, but we just can’t afford to with the prices the way they are, so I bring home some choice cuts from my autopsy subjects. Just mix in the tuna helper and ta-da!

The whole family thinks my new meals are delicious. They ask me what’s
my secret.

Abby, I think they’re getting suspicious. My smart-ass 8-year-old keeps
asking, where’s all the meat? The red dye #2 kind that’s kept in the fridge.

If they find out the truth I don’t think they’ll understand. Abby, what do I tell
my family?



10 cool points for the correct answer :)

Dear . . . since you didn't sign your letter, I hereby dub thee Hannibal.

Well, if you already know the correct answer, what are you asking me for?

In the meantime, I recall learning somewhere that human flesh tastes like pork, and that the best parts are the breastmeat or the arm, depending on which account of 19th century pioneers getting stuck in snowstorms you read.

Your family, though, is asking where it came from, not what it is. The answer to that is ridiculously easy: tell them you stop at the butcher's on the way home from work. I'd be annoyed at you for even asking this question, if you hadn't provided me with such a perfect opportunity to showcase my inappropriately detailed knowledge of the edibility of human flesh.

The Weird One

[The Weird One]

Dear Abby,
Hi!Hi!Hello!Greetings!How are you?
I have a number of personalities of varying genders and ages and I want to know which one I should let run my life for me.Most of the time I am a young blonde American high school cheerleader named Victoria and that is the personality I like the most,but at weekends I am taken over by the spirit of a slave worker in ancient Egypt and if I were to let him go,then the building of the Pyramids may suffer.Then,I hear the voices from the docking craft where I am a military commander in the future in the Great Planetary War and the success of our mission depends on me maintaining this persona for long periods at a stretch.It's so confusing cos sometimes the personalities try to take over from each other or fight...and then it all ends up as a squabble of voices.Then others come and go...last Christmas I ended with six and a half personalities-the half actually materialized during a pub quiz night,causing a great disturbance in the Sport round.
Who should I be?Which personality should I drop that would cause me the least damage?Please help us...we're so confused...who am I?Help...help...the voices are calling me to accept another personality.I can't take any more.I am five people already.I can't be any more...

Dear Iceland Blue,

First, tell the Egyptian slave to relax, the pyramids have already been built. His job is done, and he can go away now.

The military commander should leave, too; since the Great Planetary War isn't going on now, there's nothing he can really do to help. And we've all read enough sci-fi to know that any attempts to alter the future for one's benefit will blow up in one's face. Tell him you'll let him know when the war starts, and until then he should lie low.

Tell me more about this Victoria . . . does she perchance bear any resemblance to the main character in this movie (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0179116/)? Perhaps she should come over to my house so we can talk about her problems more in-depth. Tell her wear a nightie and bring a soft fluffy pillow.

The Weird One

[The Weird One]

Deer Abby-
My name is Cletus .my wife rhonda and me got marryd last week, Las nite i got a big pimplle on my back.. i askd rhonda to pop it and she says no. SHe sais she caint pop pimpls till we is not noolyweds anymor. i would axx my granma but shes in jale agin. how long will it bee berfor we is not noolywds any mor. Cletus.

Dear Cletus,

Probably you will remain newlyweds until you stop asking Rhonda to stop popping your back pimples. Exactly how old are you, anyway? Last I checked, most states have laws prohibiting people who are still getting back pimples from getting married.

Anyway, here's my suggestion: tomorrow morning, go to the chicken coop with Rhonda. Lie down in the chicken yard on your stomach and have Rhonda scatter the chicken feed over your back. The pimple will look enough like a piece of ground corn that one of the birds is bound to peck it open for you.

The Weird One

[Uvula Donor]

Most of the time I am a young blonde American high school cheerleader named Victoria and that is the personality I like the most. . .

And Iceland_Blue wonders why so many Dopers think he's female? (http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=304450)

[The Weird One]

Dear Abby,

There is...someone I think about all the time. She haunts my dreams, and my waking hours. She is the only person I think about.
Sometimes, I sit by the window on a rainy day, wiping my steak knife clean, staring off into the clouds, thinking of nothing but her.
How do I get her off my mind, Abby? I want to find her, and tell her about my feelings, about what I want to do to her, for her. I could make her very happy.
Every morning, when I open the newspaper, there she is, her lovely, lovely face, staring at me, inviting me to find her.
I will. I will find her. I have been paying close attention, doing research, and someday she will be mine.
She speaks to me. Every time I read her column in the newspaper, she speaks her words of love to me.
Please, Abby, how do I let this woman know that I am the one for her?
And how can I let her know that the one in the trunk was just a fling, nothing serious, nothing to compare to her.

Signed,

I will be waiting for your answer.

Dear IWBWFYA,

Tell me, what do you have to offer this mystery woman? Are you attractive? Intelligent? Funny? Eager to serve your Mistress on hands and knees? Do you strive to overcome your imperfect maleness by grovelling before the perfect Feminine? *humph* I've cut better men than you. Still, there's probably nothing a few -- all right, several -- good hard floggings couldn't cure.

The Weird One

[sweetfreak]

Dear IWBWFYA,

Tell me, what do you have to offer this mystery woman? Are you attractive? Intelligent? Funny? Eager to serve your Mistress on hands and knees? Do you strive to overcome your imperfect maleness by grovelling before the perfect Feminine? *humph* I've cut better men than you. Still, there's probably nothing a few -- all right, several -- good hard floggings couldn't cure.

The Weird One
Yes, yes, yes. Attractive, intelligent, and funny and very eager to serve my Mistress on hands and knees.
And...and...I already have overcome my imperfect maleness. I am female. :D
*humbly surrenders my steak knife to my Mistress and pretends I am not looking forward to the floggings as I grovel in complete submission*

;)

[The Weird One]

Dear Abby-
My husband of 20 years just told me that I am plain vanilla in bed and he wants moosetracks.

does this mean he wants to do it with animals or am I shopping at the wrong grocery store?

Signed,

Ethel Iphenegia McFudd.

Dear Ethel,

Are you sure you don't mean Iphigenia (http://www.pantheon.org/articles/i/iphigenia.html)?

Your husband is expressing an interest in a variation of the trampling (http://www.aragornsfeetlinks.com/pagesUS/Trampling.html) fantasy. The most common version of this fantasy is being stepped on by a woman in spiked high heels. In your husband's case, however, the desire is not to be dominated by the feminine, but by a Canadian lumberjack. I recommend you buy a pair of boots (http://www.kodiakboots.com/productDetail.asp?adminID=64&catID=1) and a Nancy Sinatra album (http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/B000003GYH/104-1584986-5875936?v=glance). Next time your husband comes home from work, put the album on and greet him wearing nothings but the boots. Won't he be surprised!

The Weird One

[The Weird One]

Oh goodie another stalker :D

Oh, no you don't! This one's mine! *wrestles Sweatfreak bodily away from Iceland_Blue*

[zev_steinhardt]

Dear Abby,

I read in a book somewhere that five billion years from now, the sun is going to expand and engulf the planet Earth, destroying everything here in the world.

What can we, as concerned citizens, do about this? I don't want all of our human accomplishments to go up in a puff of smoke!

Afraid of Being Burnt.

(Zev Steinhardt)

[The Weird One]

Dear Abby,

I was at a party about a year ago. Me and the guys were in the kitchen playing poker and a bunch of women were in the living room. We were all pretty drunk. I bet three of the guys $20 that I could produce more semen than they could. They took the bet and we masturbated into these little jars that we found. We measured an I won! However, we left the jars on the counter and went out to smoke. While we were gone, some of the women came in, saw the jars, and thought it would be funny to take a turkey baster and artifically inseminate themselves. Sure enough, three of them got pregnant, one with twins. Now the kids are three months old and the women are demanding compensation and help raising the child. The problem is, we have no idea who belongs to who. DNA tests may not be the best way to go because we may not like our biological child the best out of the bunch. Nobody wants the twins and I have my heart set on this scrapping boy.

Should we use a dice game or a card game to sort out the kids?

Dear DPPM (Drunken Poker-Playing Mastubator),

Logic decrees that whoever produced the most semen must be the father of the twins, right? So I'm afraid you're stuck with them. But you can always console yourself by remembering that you're more of a man than either of your friends.

The other two should figure out which kid they want. If they each want a different one, then you're set. If they both want the same one, then they should resolve the issue through trial-by-combat. After all, if there's one thing Fight Club taught us, it's that there's no problem so great that it can't be solved by bare-knuckle boxing.

The Weird One

[Iceland_Blue]

Oh, no you don't! This one's mine! *wrestles Sweatfreak bodily away from Iceland_Blue*
*ahem* don't you mean Sweetfreak? :D I am not aware she has any unnatural desire for perspiration :) And she's mine,ALL mine :D Gimme gimme gimme I want her I want her I want her....drags her back from The Weird One

[The Weird One]

Dear Abby,

I read in a book somewhere that five billion years from now, the sun is going to expand and engulf the planet Earth, destroying everything here in the world.

What can we, as concerned citizens, do about this? I don't want all of our human accomplishments to go up in a puff of smoke!

Afraid of Being Burnt.

(Zev Steinhardt)

Dear Zev,

Here's my thinking on the issue:

Killing one, some, or a whole bunch of people is bad. It is fundamentally wrong to kill someone, and doing so causes suffering and tends to perpetuate further violence.

But the sun is not a concious being; it's a giant chemical reaction, and, in a moral sense, cannot be faulted for any deaths it may cause. Moreover, if everybody died all at once, then no one would be left to mourn or in any way give a shit about what happened. In other words, you can worry about the sun blowing up all you want, but that will not change these two facts:
1. It's going to happen anyway.
2. By the time it happens, you will be long dead and therefore not in a position to care what happens.
Actually, this ties into one of my other theories, that considering the way things are headed, maybe it wouldn't be such a bad thing if some maniac triggered a nuclear war that resulted in the total destruction of the human race. But considering the impossibility of guaranteeing of total destruction, and considering that anything less is unacceptable, I guess we'd better just keep working for peace. *sigh* :(

If you're really so concerned that human accomplishments must be remembered infinitely, then I recommend you enter the field of rocket science and figure out some way to get us, or at least some record of us, into another galaxy sometime in the next five billion years.

The Weird One

[sweetfreak]

*ahem* don't you mean Sweetfreak? :D I am not aware she has any unnatural desire for perspiration :) And she's mine,ALL mine :D Gimme gimme gimme I want her I want her I want her....drags her back from The Weird One
Now, flogging I can deal with.
But being dragged and twisted every which way?
I don't know, Iceland and The Weird One , I am kind of attached to my limbs. :dubious:
*debates stealing my steak knife back, torn between disobeying my Mistress and protecting my own life*
:D

[Iceland_Blue]

OK,we'll divide her....The Weird One can have the bottom half and I claim the top half :D

[The Weird One]

*ahem* don't you mean Sweetfreak? :D I am not aware she has any unnatural desire for perspiration :) And she's mine,ALL mine :D Gimme gimme gimme I want her I want her I want her....drags her back from The Weird One
:smack: My deepest appologies to Sweetfreak for the misspelling. *bows* I certainly meant no offense.

Now, hand her over, you knave!! The lady is clearly enamoured of me! :mad:
*dazes Iceland_Blue with a *bop!* to the head, throws Sweetfreak over her shoulder and runs off*

:p

[The Weird One]

Hmmm, maybe this has gone too far . . . .

[Scumpup]

Dear Abby,
Quite by accident, I recently found that it is intensely pleasurable to press my groin against my bread-maker while it is going through the "knead" cycle. I'm a virile man and in good health, so I find myself using the bread-maker two or three times a day. More on weekends. To get to my problem, do you have any good machine-friendly bread recipes?
Regards,
I KNEAD U

[phall0106]

Dear Abby,

Like, I was, you know, in the mall? Like, you know, with Tiffany and Brittney? Like, Tiffany and Brittney wanted to, you know, like, go and, you know, like, shoplift some stuff at the Gap? Like, I'm like, you know, rippin' off the Gap, is so, you know, last year? Like, I thought, you know, like, we should go rip some stuff off from, like, Aeropostle, which, like, you know, I can't really spell, but like, you know is [i]the[/b] place to, like, you know, shoplift this year? Like, Tiffany and Brittney go all, like, you know, we like, you know, stuff at, like the Gap? Like, I go like, you know, like the Gap is, like, you know, all like, you know last year? Like, me and Tiffany and Brittney, you know, like, get in this, like, you know, really big, like, you know, arguement? Like, you know, now, we aren't speaking cause, like, you know, we're like, you know, all mad and stuff? Like, you know, Dear Abby, like, you know, like, who's right, you know? Like, would you have, you know, like, you know, just, like, gone along with your, like, you know friends and lifted like, you know stuff from like the, you know, soooooo last year place to like, you know, shoplift? Like, you know, everybody would've, like, you know, laughed at us, for, like, you know, being, like all last year and stuff, you know? Like, Dear Abby, you know, like, I really need, like, your, you know, advice on like, you know, what to do?

Hip Lifter

Reading that made my eyes hurt.

[Iceland_Blue]

Dear Abby

I've been stalking this Doper for some time now but she doesn't seem to be interested.I don't know what else I can do to show my interest-I've found her home address,her home phone number,her mobile.I've made several sexual references to her and loitered around her house.And yet it doesn't seem to be enough-all she's done is report me to the police and put a restraining order down.
What should I do next to make her aware of my feelings? Perhaps a picture of her in her underwear blown up on a billboard?Maybe write her a letter telling her what I'd like to do to her.She'd get the hint then right?

[The Weird One]

Dear Abby,
Quite by accident, I recently found that it is intensely pleasurable to press my groin against my bread-maker while it is going through the "knead" cycle. I'm a virile man and in good health, so I find myself using the bread-maker two or three times a day. More on weekends. To get to my problem, do you have any good machine-friendly bread recipes?
Regards,
I KNEAD U

Dear I Knead U,

I'm afraid I don't have any good receipes; I kneed my bread by hand ;)

I recommend the bread machine mixes at your local grocery store, or this book (http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0696218534/qid=1110564741/sr=2-3/ref=pd_bbs_b_2_3/104-1584986-5875936). I urge caution, however; studies have shown that making bread several times a day can cause vision loss.

The Weird One

[Cat Whisperer]

Dear I Knead U,

I'm afraid I don't have any good receipes; I kneed my bread by hand ;)
<snip>

The Weird One
What are you, some kind of artisan or something?

[The Weird One]

Dear Abby

I've been stalking this Doper for some time now but she doesn't seem to be interested.I don't know what else I can do to show my interest-I've found her home address,her home phone number,her mobile.I've made several sexual references to her and loitered around her house.And yet it doesn't seem to be enough-all she's done is report me to the police and put a restraining order down.
What should I do next to make her aware of my feelings? Perhaps a picture of her in her underwear blown up on a billboard?Maybe write her a letter telling her what I'd like to do to her.She'd get the hint then right?

Dear Mr. Blue,

Tsk! Is that any way for a cheerleader to act?? :dubious: Leave poor eleanorigby alone! I see what you're doing over in that other thread (http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=306305&page=1&pp=50).

However, you can certainly write me a letter telling me what you'd like to do to her. ;)

The Weird One

[The Weird One]

What are you, some kind of artisan or something?

Just good with my hands :D

[eleanorigby]

Dear Mr. Blue,

Tsk! Is that any way for a cheerleader to act?? :dubious: Leave poor eleanorigby alone! I see what you're doing over in that other thread.

However, you can certainly write me a letter telling me what you'd like to do to her. ;)



Could you print his letter? Please? Turns out my husband only wants Nancy Sinatra to trample on him while in Manitoba.......I've been dumped for a has been elderly celeb! So, I need some, er.....stimulation. Sweetfreak is welcome, anytime!

[Scumpup]

Could you print his letter? Please? Turns out my husband only wants Nancy Sinatra to trample on him while in Manitoba.......I've been dumped for a has been elderly celeb! So, I need some, er.....stimulation. Sweetfreak is welcome, anytime!
Bread-makers are inexpensive at Wal-Mart.

[sweetfreak]

Now, hand her over, you knave!! The lady is clearly enamoured of me!
*dazes Iceland_Blue with a *bop!* to the head, throws Sweetfreak over her shoulder and runs off*

OK,we'll divide her....The Weird One can have the bottom half and I claim the top half.
So, I need some, er.....stimulation. Sweetfreak is welcome, anytime!
Evidently, the straightdope messageboard is the place where people want to be stalked.
Now, I just gotta pick which one.
eenie...meenie... :D

[Iceland_Blue]

None of the women I stalk ever seem to 'want' it :(

[eleanorigby]

Is that a statement of fact, Blue or a question for Dear Abby?

[sweetfreak]

Could you print his letter? Please? Turns out my husband only wants Nancy Sinatra to trample on him while in Manitoba.......I've been dumped for a has been elderly celeb! So, I need some, er.....stimulation. Sweetfreak is welcome, anytime!
Bread-makers are inexpensive at Wal-Mart.
HEY! I am way better than an inexpensive bread-maker at Wal-Mart.

NO! Wait! I meant...

*grumbles expletives under my breath*

:D

[Iceland_Blue]

Hmm...the similarities are there....
nice crumpet,excellent muffin,lovely baps...


and then there's the breadmaker :p



:D :D :D

[nitroglycerine]

Dear . . . since you didn't sign your letter, I hereby dub thee Hannibal.

Well, if you already know the correct answer, what are you asking me for?

In the meantime, I recall learning somewhere that human flesh tastes like pork, and that the best parts are the breastmeat or the arm, depending on which account of 19th century pioneers getting stuck in snowstorms you read.

Your family, though, is asking where it came from, not what it is. The answer to that is ridiculously easy: tell them you stop at the butcher's on the way home from work. I'd be annoyed at you for even asking this question, if you hadn't provided me with such a perfect opportunity to showcase my inappropriately detailed knowledge of the edibility of human flesh.

The Weird One

Well, that was a good answer, you can have the 10 cool points, but the correct answer is (from a Dead Kennedys song): Dear Reganomics Victim, Consult your clergyman, make sure the body's blessed and everything should be just fine.

:D