Does it make you feel better when your friends insult your ex?

[Misnomer]

Let me start by saying that I totally get that when my friends put down a guy who has broken up with me, they are just being supportive. I really do get that. But I hate it! Especially right after the breakup: for some reason, it bothers me to hear people call him a jerk or a putz or a loser. Ok, there have been one or two times when the guy really was a putz, but for the most part these are decent guys who things just didn't work out with.

Last night, the guy I've been seeing since mid-January broke up with me. A little out of the blue, but looking back I can definitely see signs (can't we always?). He likes me, and likes spending time with me, but just doesn't feel strongly enough about me to justify continuing our relationship. Fair enough: I'll miss him, but I can't make him feel things for me that he doesn't. I'm a little sad, but not upset enough to cry or anything ... I liked him a lot, but wasn't in love.

But my friends! The three people I've talked to about the breakup since last night have each said at least one derrogatory thing about him -- those obligatory "you're better off without such a jerk" statements. Which, I like I say, I know they only said in an effort to be supportive. I always wind up having to say, "No, he really isn't a jerk, I just like him more than he likes me." In fact, I dread telling other people about the breakup because I know I'll have to defend my ex over and over: "He's a good guy, he just didn't like me that much." I just can't get into the pile-on mentality when he really doesn't deserve it.

Does anyone actually feel better when their friends say things like this? Is it something that only women do with their friends, or do guys do it, too (I guess it would go something like "That stupid bitch doesn't deserve you, man")?


(Ok, go ahead and insult my ex ... get it out of your system. ;))

[The Devil's Grandmother]

It makes me uncomfortable too. I often end up saying my ex is a nice guy, he's just not my nice guy.

[Kizarvexius]

All of my breakups have been amicable. Those who talk about my exes in a negative tone piss me off to no end. Especially anyone harping on how much they didn't like my ex-wife.

The last person who attempted to do so in front of me was told in no uncertain terms that my ex and I are still very close friends, and I prefer not to hear people badmouthing my friends. Furthermore, as the mother of my daughter, my ex will continue to be a part of my life whether or not certain people are prepared to accept it.

[Reeder]

Insult my ex and you have problems.

[MaddyStrut]

In all honesty, I do like hearing that he was stupid not to realize how wonderful, beautiful, sexy, and intelligent I am. I don't believe it for a second, but it's nice to hear all the same.

As to being told he's a jerk, that depends. If he was a jerk to me, then I do appreciate the confirmation that I'm not totally over reacting or being too sensitive. I don't like hearing how they thought he was a jerk all along--that just calls my judgement into question.

Pretty much I prefer them to take their cues from me. If I'm railing about what a jerk he was, they should nod and say "of course he was, you poor thing." If I say he's a nice guy but it just didn't work out, it's better that they say encouraging things about how wonderful, beautiful, sexy, and intelligent I am! :D

[Otto]

I'd love it if my friends bad-mouthed my ex. Instead they stayed friends with him. You think hearing your ex maligned is uncomfortable? Try seeing pictures of him with his new boyfriend in your best friend's house.

[Misnomer]

Otto: Ouch! :(

[wasson]

I'm a dude, and I love it when my friends insult my ex. I can think of nothing I like more. It's awesome.

Most of the responses here have been female, so maybe there's a difference there.

[Dubious Weasle]

Generally no. Now if I'm in a really pissed off mood and venting then sure, bash away. The rest of the time.. no. Unless a break-up was truly horrendous then I don't appreciate the 'bashing of my ex.'

My reasoning is thus. First of all, even if a relationship didn't work out that doesn't mean it was all bad or that I don't have some affection for that person still.

Second, when friends bash an ex they are also, in a sense, bashing you, your taste in SO's, and the judgement calls you made in staying with that person. When friends have told me that my ex was a "insane bitch with few or no redeeming qualities" [true or not] they're also reminding me that I was in love with that 'insane bitch with no redeeming qualities."

Now like I said at the beginning there's a big difference between general relationship evaluation and ranting. I've found it very important to be able tell the difference between when friends are on a rant and just wish to spurt out the vitriol that's flowing through their veins and when their just complaining. During the former the friends's role is to help and encourage them in their rant while not actually contributing much in the way of new ideas. Basically, provide support but don't attempt to open up a second front.

[ShadiRoxan]

It all depends on the ex. Most of them I don't mind. But the ex that has now become my husband... Well, there's a reason he's now my husband. It was one of those things that I could bitch about him and my friends could agree with me, but I'd be pissed as all hell if they said anything on their own.

[violacrane]

I think it's how they go about trashing your ex. When I split up with my husband my friends by and large trashed him in agreement with me, ie that for a great deal of the time preceding our break up he had been a jerk and furthermore certain character flaws had been present from the beginning. My parents on the other hand had this "We were right all along, he was never any good for you........" attitude, which added up, in my mind to "What a fool you were to have hooked up with him at all." What's more some of the charges they levelled at the guy were actually false! It was infuriating being forced to defend him from nonsense accusations and overblown character assassination jsut to point out that I hadn't been as stupid as they evidently believed.

[lavenderviolet]

Funny you'd ask this now because just a few weeks ago a good friend stopped speaking to me because I made an offhand comment about how he "Deserves so much better" than his recent ex (a girl who cheated on him and has a long track record of hurtful and dishonest behavior...of course, despite this, he is still in the phase of trying to win her back). I had no idea that he would be so offended by my comment because for ME, hearing that sort of thing is a good way to help me start on the road to healing.
I find that a little bit of bashing and being reminded that I deserve better is very helpful in breaking the attachment. Despite that, I *do* let myself look back on the good times once I have some emotional distance.

[TellMeI'mNotCrazy]

I never gave it any thought until a friend of mine broke up with her long-time boyfriend. I said something to the effect that he was a cad, or something, and she asked me not to say things like that. She explained that it only made it seem that she was stupid for ever having dated him in the first place, and that it minimized the pain that she was going through. Ever since, I've been fairly careful in not doing that to others.

[fishbicycle]

I have a friend at work who just went through a divorce from his wife of 20-odd years. He needs somebody to vent to, because he can't believe the ordeal she's put him through. And if he wants to tell me, I'll be supportive and listen. If he wants opinions, I'll give him one. If you knew what kind of hose beast this woman is, you wouldn't believe a man could stay with her for so long. Every new thing he tells me about what she's done is more incredulous than the last.

I don't start conversations with him by calling her names, but when he's telling me this stuff, I can't help but agree with him. I guess it makes him feel better that I don't understand how she could be that way, and that he's not crazy for thinking she's totally a nutbar (and I do not mean that in a good way). I swear, women have been killed for less than some of the stuff this woman has done to him. And he put up with it until she left him for yet another guy. Hose beast doesn't begin to describe her. If you only knew what I know, you'd be -> :confused: <- this guy.

(Me, I don't have an -ex.)

[Cliffy]

I don't really know -- the last time I broke up with a girl I was at all serious about (this was 15 years ago), my best friend took it as his cue to move in on her. Jerk.

--Cliffy

[Troy McClure SF]

Not for me. Of two exes, I'm still friends with both. The more recent one is still one of my best friends in the world.

[LouisB]

I absolutely hate and abhor my ex-wife, but it pisses me off to hear someone else denigrate her. Strange, huh?

[Q.N. Jones]

Depends on how the insults are put.

I've only had one serious relationship, but when I dumped the guy, my friend Amy said to me, "Yeah, I knew that wasn't going anywhere. I wasn't going to say anything, but he was a dork. You're way out of his league."

Okay, I see why she thinks this is a supportive thing. In fact, this was the reason I broke up with him (though I hadn't told Amy that). But to realize that my friend was thinking all the while that I was a moron for being with this guy? Made me feel horrible. All I could think was, "Great, for the last several months, all my friends have been snickering at me behind my back, thinking I'm an idiot."

[Q.N. Jones]

Duh, the other half of that was that I think it's OK when friends validate your reasons for dumping the person.

When Amy said things like, "Yeah, wow, who knew he'd have such a perverted and juvenile sense of humor! Obnoxious! I understand why you dumped him when that started to pop out!", that was OK by me, because it didn't in any way imply I was an idiot for being with him.

[Anaamika]

I don't really know -- the last time I broke up with a girl I was at all serious about (this was 15 years ago), my best friend took it as his cue to move in on her. Jerk.

--Cliffy

Why was he a jerk if you'd already broken up with her? Would you have preferred it if they did it while you were still dating?

[overlyverbose]

It depends on which ex is being insulted and who's there doing the insulting. One ex was abusive, so I don't like to even think about him. The other guy was just plain arrogant. He actually quizzed me on classical music, and I was dumb enough to keep dating him. He was a huge snob and was also convinced I'd get cancer if I ate over 5 grams of fat per meal, so he monitored my food. Anyway, that guy's fair game 'cause he was a total moron (as was I for dating him), but I don't generally do it in front of my husband.

And I don't usually insult my friends' ex's unless I'm under the impression they'd like me to.

[Ace309]

Generally, yes. I mean, I was very into this girl for a reason (regardless of which girl it was). Badmouthing her insults my taste.

On the other hand, if I'm in the mood to discuss it, discussion of the specific reasons for the breakup often sort of implies bashing. I mean, like it or not, Sarah was overly idealistic, and it's unreasonable to expect someone to be perfect. Samantha needed to grow up. Kristen ended up having a bizarre personality that manifested in her being utterly unable to be the bright, sweet girl she was behind closed doors out when she was dealing with more than one or two people at once. That's just the way it is.

[Ace309]

Or, rather, generally no. :)

[Kamino Neko]

I've never had a bad breakup...insult my exes, you'll get the same response as you get if you insult any of my other good friends (frosty silence), or the same response you'd have gotten when we were together (frosty silence, if I was in a good mood to start.).

[Katriona]

I haven't had a lot of BF's, and most of them, as was said above, were OK guys that I just wasn't ultimately compatible with. I can't think of anyone who said anything insulting about them. The breakups were mutual, so it's not like I needed a lot of support or crying time after they ended.

The other one, well, he was a giant ass, and he was one of my first serious relationships when I was young and stupid in college, so I don't feel like my taste is being put down when my brother refers to him in rather...colorful terms.

[gfloyd]

I think it depends a lot on the situtation, as others have said. If it was recent, horrid break-up where the other person was mainly at fault, then I don't think it would or should bother me. If not, as my break-up was, then it's a little different. Also there is a big difference between insulting them outright and critizing or bitching about the way they behaved. I can understand how some people could find it terribly hard, as there was a reason at some point in time when you liked the person, hence why you dated them.

[The Great Sun Jester]

My ex is MY ex by her own action. Clearly we have differences, but the decision to end the relationship came after a long and intricate 23 year history. I think nobody has the right to slam her for anything she's done because nobody has been as involved with her life as I have. And yeah, she's still my best friend in the world. We just don't make heavy emotional promises to each other anymore.

Say that what she did was shitty. Tell me I'm better off now and that I'm a real catch. Don't call her a whore or a selfish bitch though, because that's just not the truth.

[danceswithcats]

Feeling ill will for my ex is my business. No need for a pile on. Friends are there for my support, not to take up another cudgel.

[Cliffy]

Why was he a jerk if you'd already broken up with her? Would you have preferred it if they did it while you were still dating?

As my friend, his job was to commiserate with me after we broke up and agree when I listed all the things I didn't like about her to convince myself I hadn't made a huge mistake -- not to argue with me about her faults and reasonably appraise her many positive features. And certainly not to drop by my house with her in tow, ostensibly to go see a movie, because she was mooning over me and wanted any excuse to come by and he was mooning over her and wanted any excuse to make her happy, even though he knew I was lonely and in danger of backsliding.

--Cliffy

[clairobscur]

Most of the responses here have been female, so maybe there's a difference there.


Well, not necessarily (mentonning once again I'm a guy, by the way). I didn't stay in touch with all my exes, but each of them would be welcome if they paid me a visit.

I wouldn't like people badmouthing them (I mean, I was with them for a reason, so they're likable people in my opinion, and since fortunately none did anything awful and unforgivable to me....), but fortunately my friends don't badmouth them, so it's not an issue.

I doubt it's a gender issue. IMO, generally speaking, attitude towards exes aren't gender-related, from what I can see around me.