A dreadfully serious physical question

[Sofa King]

Okay, I can't stand this any longer. I've put up with this all day long, but in the last couple of hours it has become absolutely unbearable and I don't know what to do.

I warn all readers that what I am about to describe is... not for the squeamish. Please don't read any further if you are easily disgusted. Ready? Here goes.

This morning I awoke to discover that I was missing...




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... a testacle.

Well, it's not really missing, because I can feel the little bastard sucked up inside of me, getting squished. At first it was merely very, very uncomfortable, but now, it is almost unbearable.

I spent a lot of time today looking up hernias, and while the uncomfortable symtoms are similar, they are not the same. Notably,

* I am in less distress standing up than I am sitting down which seems to be the reverse of hernia symptoms.

* I do not notice any extra protruning masses in my scrotum when I stand up or sit down. Rather the opposite: I NOTICE THAT ONE OF MY FUCKING BALLS IS MISSING FROM MY SCROTUM!

* I can feel my right testacle being squeezed, like a grape in a vice.

For the love of God, someone please help me. I can't afford to go to the hospital if I can possibly fix this myself. Thank you in advance, and feel free to laugh, as long as you help.

Sofa "One Ball" King

[cheezit]

I don't know where you live, but if I were you, I'd get my butt to the doctor as soon as I could, whether I could afford it or not. A couple or three payments to the doctor is a LOT less painfull than a squashed ball.

Good luck.

[Silver Fire]

IIRC, Dr. Drew (from Loveline on MTV) talked about this once, saying it is completely normal for one or both testicles to be "sucked" up. I don't recall if he ever mentioned the kind of pain you are experiencing. I doubt, although I can't say for sure, that there is anything that you can do about it. Can you feel it through your skin from the outside? If you can, try to push it down toward your scrotum. If not, I'd seriously suggest going to a doctor.

[Sofa King]

Well, I should add that it only actually hurts when I'm in particular positions. The rest of the time it is merely like someone has my balls in her hand and is only threatening to crush them.

Funny, a succession of ex-girlfriends is passing before me....

[Arnold Winkelried]

From The complete book of men's health (http://www.lineone.net/mens_health/part1_2-1.html)

Cremasteric Reflex

The cremaster (literally, suspender) muscle is responsible for the cremasteric reflex the involuntary drawing up of the testicles towards the inguinal canal, for example when it is cold, during the fight-or-flight response to shock (see stress), or when touched.

Highly retractile testicles are normal in young children, but usually disappear by puberty. It is important that a retracted testicle (normal) is not confused with an undescended testicle (abnormal). These are easily told apart by a surgeon who, having identified the tiny testis at the bottom of the inguinal canal, can gently coax it down into the scrotum with a downward stroking action. Retractile testes are normal and require no treatment.

Sumo wrestlers can train themselves to withdraw their testicles high up towards the abdomen for protection during competition.

[tcburnett]

Once again, Arnold beat me to the answer. So I will talk story instead. I could push my testicles back up until I was about thirty. Don't worry if you lose one now and then. Just relax, have a drink, and it will drop back down. Believe me, you don't want a doctor trying to pry it down with a screwdriver and a hammer.

[bunnymom]

Just to be on the safe side, I really think you ought to see a doctor.Searching for 'retracted testicle' I got a few Signs/Symptoms pages that describe something similar.

http://lunis.luc.edu/lunis/library/TESTICULARSCAN.HTM
This is a 16 year old with similar problem

http://www.pepid.com/pepidce/uro/uro405.htm
Describes similar symptoms as yours - calls the condition torsion

http://www.thriveonline.com/health/Library/illsymp/illness511.html
more about torsion

I hope the other posters are correct, that this is nothing to worry about.But I think you'd be better safe than sorry.

Good luck.

[Sofa King]

Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you all. Silver_Fire gave me a little bit of courage that was for some reason temporarily missing.

I paced around my living room for about ten minutes, drank a beer, and pushed the guy back into place. He's back, and boy, am I glad to see him. I also almost passed out, but pain, like famous C&C Music Factory tunes, is ephemeral.

I still hurt a lot, but I suspect that's because The Boy spent all day locked in the closet.

I promise you this, Straight Dope People: I will reward you in the best way I know. It will take me a little bit of time--I need to appropriate some company hardware time, but I will express my gratitude to you, my friends and saviors. Good night, God speed, and thank you for returning to me fifty percent of my assets and ninety percent of my remaining sanity. I love you all.

Sofa "No Longer A Hitler Impersonator" King

[Gammu]

Well glad he's back. Treat him better and maybe next time he won't stay gone so long.

But if anything else disappears, you might wanna check this out:

http://www.parascope.com/articles/1196/penisw.htm

[jb_farley]

well i'm glad to see you fixed it. i was gonna suggest putting your thumb in your mouth and blowing. hell, it works in the cartoons.

[ricepad]

If it happens again (and for your sake I hope it DOESN'T), try taking a hot shower or bath. That should loosen everything up, and may draw the shy one out.

[Bear_Nenno]

tcburnett said:Believe me, you don't want a doctor trying to pry it down with a screwdriver and a hammer. I think you got stuck with a bad HMO, tcburnett!!!

[tcburnett]

Originally posted by Bear_Nenno
tcburnett said:Believe me, you don't want a doctor trying to pry it down with a screwdriver and a hammer. I think you got stuck with a bad HMO, tcburnett!!!

I figured that out when I asked for Viagra and got a popsicle stick and duct tape. And at my last HMO, Prozac didn't come in colors with little 'm's on them.

[Lux Fiat]

Oh, and about those sumo wrestlers (http://www.straightdope.com/classics/a1_083.html)...