What do you think a housewife's responsibilities include?

[Mr. Slant]

I'm curious as to what you feel a reasonable set of responsiblities would be for a housewife.
Assume a 1500 square foot dwelling, no children, no pregnancy, two cars, and a socio-economic status firmly in the "middle".
I'll put a list of duties below to jump start your thinking on this, but by all means feel free to respond without addressing the below list of duties, which I do not neccesarily feel are all the responsibility of any particular person.
Hot breakfast in the morning on weekdays?
---Weekends?
Preparing lunch daily?
Hot dinner in the evening?
Vacuuming?
Sweeping?
Mopping?
Cleaning bathrooms?
Taking out the trash?
Mowing the lawn?
Handling family finances?
Planning vacations?
Sending out greeting cards to friends & family?
Cooking for social evenings with friends over?

[Mr. Blue Sky]

If this were the 1950's, I'd say everything except mowing the lawn, taking out the trash, and handling family finances.

Otherwise, the duties should be split as evenly as possible. An exception would be cooking. If one or the other can't cook, the other should.

[catsix]

Why would the duties be split evenly if one partner is at home all day and the other one spends 40 - 60 hours a week earning the paycheck they both live on?

[Mr. Blue Sky]

Why doesn't the spouse work?

[Mr. Slant]

The housewife is very particular about what day job she'd take, and the local economy is depressed.

[Queen Bruin]

The Highwayman works full time and I look after the house. We share the household with his immediate family though so I hardly do everything (although it sure seems like I do sometimes). I look after pretty much everything but everyone else's bedroom, the livingroom, diningroom and bathroom.

I often cook for the whole family but sometimes just for us, depending. Neither of us are much for breakfast so that is a non-issue. I handle the billpaying and budgeting (sometimes successfully).

I am rather atypical (even amongst housewives, who are somewhat atypical now) so probably my answer isn't the best.

Of course, if your wife is working full time as well, you should split it evenly.

OH, and I prefer the term, "Domestic Goddess".

[Mr. Blue Sky]

Well, if there are no children, it shouldn't be too hard to keep the place clean.

Again, whoever is the better cook should handle food-related duties. Outdoor work can be done together.

Ditto for social activites.

What does the wife think?

[Mr. Slant]

SNIP
What does the wife think?

I acknowledge your question, but I'm declining to answer out of a desire to protect my personal privacy here, and to preserve the nature of this thread as an opinion poll rather focused on a stereotyped scenario rather than a particular circumstance.
No offense, and thanks for participating in my thread, Mr. Blue Sky.

[Mr. Blue Sky]

No offense, and thanks for participating in my thread, Mr. Blue Sky.

No offense taken.

[catsix]

My question for people who say that the duties should be split evenly is whether or not they consider 'breadwinning' (going and doing the work that pays the bills that keeps them in the house, feeds them, etc) part of the 'duties' or not.

[Mr. Blue Sky]

I retract my previous comment about splitting the duties (except for the "whoever is better" part).

You'd be surprised at the number of people who don't think working to pay the bills is a part of keeping up the household. The only reason I can figure is that working for a living is supposed to be a given and is an entirely separate thing from the physical upkeep of a house/apartment/etc.

The couple would have to sit down and talk it out. I can see the potential for things to get really ugly.

[CynicalGabe]

If this were the 1950's, I'd say everything except mowing the lawn, taking out the trash, and handling family finances.

Why wouldn't she take out the trash? ;)

::d&r::

[Idlewild]

I work outside the house and my husband works part time, from home. He has taken on the primary domestic duty role - but before when we worked outside the house a lot of this stuff just didn't get done enough because neither of us did it, so it's sort of optional as far as I'm concerned, though I'm happy he's doing it.

He vacuums, usually cleans the bathroom though I do sometimes, makes the bed, does the laundry, does dishes most days, prepares my lunch from leftovers most days, sweeps and mops, and if he's home takes out the garbage, if not I take it out. We split cooking dinner though I do it quite a lot. If I am around when he is doing dishes I dry and put away. On weekends we share kitchen duty pretty evenly - both cooking and cleaning. Sometimes I dust but not as much as I should. We both pick up after ourselves in a general way.

He does take my significantly greater earning power into account - but I feel like I need to pull my weight as much as possible around the house. I'm not a guest here! But on the other hand he has a lot more freedom of choice about when he works and where he works (often in a cafe with wireless access) so we do more or less balance the benefits out, I think.

[LSLGuy]

My advice would be that if the breadwinner spends 40 hours working, the non-breadwinner is liable for up to 40 hours a week of chores of whatever description. If the breadwinner works 20, the chore-doer is liable for 20.

If the chore-doer can get everything done in less time, they need to consider what else might need doing; I'm not encouraging busy-work, but there are people who'd consider sweeping the kitchen floor more than a once a year to be overkill. Taking that approach to getting one's chore-time below 40/week would be cheating.

If both partners work 20 (or 40), then the chores ought be evenly divided as well, admitting that as both folks work more, the number of person-hours available for choring goes down; daily dusting of the upper bookshelves may have to triaged off the to-do list.

As to which chores are "reserved" for males or females, I don't buy that at all, except by expertise. e.g. I can plumb, my wife can't (although she's learning). I'm taller, so I dust the tall shelves while she vacuums under the low tables. etc.

As catsix pointed out, I have a real problem with people who expect to both not work outside the home and to split the household chores. Obviously, childrearing is a whole 'nuther kettle of fish, involving vast efforts by the home-person, few of which are obvious to the outside-the-home breadwinner on a daily basis.

[ParentalAdvisory]

You'd be surprised at the number of people who don't think working to pay the bills is a part of keeping up the household.

Which is weird because the whole reason a roof is under your head is because bills are being paid, and that is hard work. It's not like anybody is demanding that the housewife, by the OP's description, bust her ass day in and day out. General upkeep takes just a fraction of a day, compared to someone who is out all day working. I agree with catsix.

And this isn't a Man Vs. Woman thing either. If the roles were reversed (Working woman and stay at home man), then the man I feel could spare a fraction of the day to upkeep the house and things.

[Mr. Blue Sky]

Which is weird because the whole reason a roof is under your head is because bills are being paid, and that is hard work.

I had these friends. The wife was a teacher of mentally challenged students. The husband worked at TV station. Her work was both mentally and physically draining. His was borderline mentally challenging. He was expected to do a lot of the household chores based on this.

It was a petty argument. Of course, the fact that she was a controlling bitch and he was whipped had a lot to do with it.

Again, the couple is going to have discuss this.

[C3]

I'm a "housewife," although we have a toddler, so I'm usually called a stay-at-home-mother.

Anyway, my duties are:
All shopping (grocery, clothing, homewares and any other fiddly stuff)
All cleaning (this gets done every day so that the house is clean when my husband gets home...dishes done, vacuuming, dusting, bathroom, etc.)
All laundry
Buying gifts, sending cards, social scheduling
Paying bills, managing finances
All childcare, excluding the occasional diaper my husband might take care of when he's
home
All cooking & doing dishes (I don't make breakfast, though, and lunches are usually leftovers from the previous night...I do make sure there's something available)
Doctor scheduling
Household fix-it projects
Car Maintenance (which consists of taking it somewhere, since my husband is as equally clueless as I am about doing any actual car work)
Etc.

Basically, my husband goes to work, mows the lawn, and takes out the trash. I have offered to do these last two things, but he's holding out on them because he thinks they're "guy" jobs and says he'd feel bad if I did them. Our arrangement works out great for us because when he gets home for work & on weekends, all we have to do is play and have fun (well, minus the 10 minutes it takes him to mow our piddly lawn). I don't have any trouble getting my stuff done and still have time to do stuff like have coffee with my other friends who are SAHMs and do a little playing on the SDMB.

[Queen Bruin]

And this isn't a Man Vs. Woman thing either. If the roles were reversed (Working woman and stay at home man), then the man I feel could spare a fraction of the day to upkeep the house and things.

Yeah, most assuredly so. My best friend is the chief breadwinner of her family. Her husband does a lot of the household stuff (even though she works from home - and he does less now that he is working full time as well).

[Jammer]

I work 50+ hours a week to brink home the money, do all the yard work, do all the home finances and complete any DIY home fixing that becomes necessary from time to time. My wife, the stay-at-home mommy and love of my life, does everything else.

Now that all but the third kid is in school, she may eventually decide to go back to work. If she does, that balance is sure to change, but this is what we jointly think is fair considering the current circumstances.

Jammer

[Harriet the Spry]

Currently I work 50+ hours/ week and my husband works 40. He's the major breadwinner, though, my job is just more demanding in terms of time. If I didn't work, I would feel obligated to put pretty darn close to 40 hours into running the household. That would include shopping frugally to stretch our budget. I'd rather work the 50+ at my job, honestly. If I did stay at home, it would include doing all the listed items, except mowing the lawn (included in homeowners dues). I also would really appreciate him taking out the major trash, b/c I am paranoid about bees. And he would probably cook some when we had company, b/c some of his southwestern specialities are to die for.

[Anastasaeon]

I am a housewife like the one mentioned in the OP, except our apartment is about 700 sq feet instead of (an oh so lovely) 1500 sq feet. We do have two cars, and we are comfortably in middle class (though tipping toward upper middle very quickly, but that's not important). I consider my duties to be all of those listed, except for handling the finances, because I'm really no good at it. I just finished paying off my last Canadian credit card... it was in collections, so that should give you an idea of my money-handling abilities. :eek:

My husband doesn't ask me to do any of these things, they are just things I do because I'm home all day. We have no children, just two cats, who aren't too hard to tidy up after (I just got a Dyson, that's a huge help in the cat area). My husband sometimes takes out the trash, but only if for some reason I haven't gotten around to it first. He's recently started taking turns with me cleaning the litterbox, because he hates that I do it all the time. Also, he's recently got the notion that because I cook, the "least he could do" is clean the dishes. Bah, I say. He works all day, and I'm at home all day. I am unable to work at this time, so I personally think I have all kinds of time and energy to keep my end of things running.

I include mowing the lawn, not because we have a lawn, but because if I've got most of my chores done early/ahead of time, I will walk to my father-in-law's and mow his lawn and weed his garden (and rake in the fall), just to help him out. He has a tough time staying bent over or on his knees for too long these days, so I like to help where I can. When we get our own home, I will consider mowing/weeding to be one of my duties, as well, unless hubby says he wants to.

A few other things I do that are not on the list:
Sometimes I run a few errands, like going to the bank (I deposit and withdraw, either for me or my husband, I don't keep track, that's his job!) I don't have a car, so I walk there. I often go out and pick up a few groceries we need.
I make the beds each morning. My husband tries to on the weekends, but he doesn't do it the way I like, but I won't re-do it, he'll just apologise for it and I'll bite my tongue and be appreciative. We both like it better when I do it, though.
Cat box, as mentioned, and fish tank care and maintenence - however, the Mr. likes to feed them, so I let him do that part.
I also tend to keep a close inventory of our household supplies, be it food or sundry. I'm the one who knows how much of what we have and when we need to restock.

Incidentally, my husband does the laundry, but that's because we take it to his father's house (rather than pay $1.50 per wash load! And another $1.50 to dry - agh! No wonder we got such a good deal on the apartment, they rob you with the laundry!) and he drives, so it's just easier for him to do it on his day off. I, however, do the ironing, but I enjoy it. His work shirts need to be ironed.

And quite honestly, I think I'm getting a good deal out of this. :D

[MagicEyes]

I feel like I've stepped into a timewarp. Do people really still use the term "housewife?"

Of course you should expect a hot breakfast every morning and a spotlessly clean house at all times. And don't forget:
Chopping wood and keeping the fire going in the woodstove at all times.
Scrubbing floors.
Slopping pigs.
Butchering and making sausage.
Milking cows.
Churning butter.
Shearing sheap, carding and spinning, and knitting colorful stylish sweaters.
Baking cakes and pies.

[Anastasaeon]

I feel like I've stepped into a timewarp. Do people really still use the term "housewife?"


What's wrong with it? I'm a wife... who stays in the house, more or less...

Your posts reminds me, I also knit and bake, but because I enjoy it. :p

I enjoy it. I'm not told to do it.

[Queen Bruin]

What Anastaseon said.

[C3]

What's wrong with it? I'm a wife... who stays in the house, more or less...

Your posts reminds me, I also knit and bake, but because I enjoy it. :p

I enjoy it. I'm not told to do it.
I knit & bake, too! I'm trying to convince my husband that when (if!) we ever get a little land, we should get a couple sheep so that I can learn how to spin my own yarn, but he inexplicably keeps rolling his eyes at me :) .

[Anastasaeon]

I knit & bake, too! I'm trying to convince my husband that when (if!) we ever get a little land, we should get a couple sheep so that I can learn how to spin my own yarn, but he inexplicably keeps rolling his eyes at me :) .

I honestly love the idea - you see, there was a lady back home who had a very rich husband, and she opened her own little store full of hand knitted sweaters, mittens, gah-gah-gorgeous scarves, etc, and there were these mittens she had, the softest ever, and I asked her what in the world she used to make them. Get this: She owns several pet rabbits. She brushes them, and uses the loose hairs to make her own yarn out of rabbit hair. Humane and ever so soft! *swoon* She also made her own yarn out of some sheep they kept (they lived in this beautiful Tudor style house in the middle of a huge field, with horses and some sheep that you could see as you drove by.... bliss, I say! Lucky woman!) She had the most beautiful fisherman's jackets and sweaters.... soooo expensive, though, but they would be so worth it.

Ever since then, I've been hoping someday the Mr. and I can retire on a nice farm, and you're damn right I'd make my own yarn! :cool:

[Ephemera]

Your husband's a lucky guy, Anastasaeon.

If I were in a relationship and one of us didn't work, I wouldn't expect anything out of him or her except general upkeep of our house or apartment and cooking dinner, assuming they're okay at it. Everything else would be left to whoever decides to do it.

[Green Cymbeline]

I'm curious as to what you feel a reasonable set of responsiblities would be for a housewife.
Assume a 1500 square foot dwelling, no children, no pregnancy, two cars, and a socio-economic status firmly in the "middle".
Is this an able-bodied person we're talking about here? Not on disability or mentally incompetent/deficient?

If so, and there's no children, and the family is not exceptionally wealthy, then why the hell would this person not be working? And why the hell would the husband agree to this arrangement??? :confused: :confused: :confused:

[Queen Bruin]

There are various reasons that someone would pick such a lifestyle, Nyctea. And I'm just gonna say, that if someone chooses it this way, then that is their decision.

[Manda JO]

I really don't think there is any right or wrong answer here--happy marriages don't have anything to do with what is objectivley "fair", they have everything to do with both partners feeling that what they are getting out of the relationship is worth what they are putting into it. The only reason to pay attention to what other people do is to get ideas to try. What is "reasonable" just doesn't make any actual difference.

I will say that in my own marriage, the hours-per-week-contributed has veered wildly from one partner to the other. We've never sought to make it "fair"--we've only ever sought to make it something we are both happy with.

[GingerOfTheNorth]

Since the little guy was born, I have not worked outside of the home. I do everything except mowing the lawn and finances. Dave also is the cook the majority of the time.

It's not that he can't or won't do the other things that need to be done, it's that I prefer the way I do it the first time, and I don't like the way I feel when I go behind him and do it the way I like it. I have asked him not to do laundry or clean, etc.

[danceswithcats]

Which is weird because the whole reason a roof is under your head is because bills are being paid, and that is hard work.


Um. I'd like to suggest that if the roof is under your head, the contractor is the next bill to be paid. ;)

[Campion]

Is this an able-bodied person we're talking about here? Not on disability or mentally incompetent/deficient?

If so, and there's no children, and the family is not exceptionally wealthy, then why the hell would this person not be working? And why the hell would the husband agree to this arrangement??? :confused: :confused: :confused:
This implies that the family may make more money if both work. Not always true. First, assume that both people make about the same amount of money. The marriage penalty will tax them at a higher rate than it would if they were single. (Note, however, that the marriage bonus would help them if they have one high-earning spouse and one low-earning spouse.) The marriage penalty means that there could be less money being brought home than you would think -- only a couple thousand dollars, but that adds up.

Second, with both spouses working, there are some tasks that the couple may need to "outsource," including cooking and cleaning. For example, with both working, they may eat out more, or may eat more "quick" meals, which generally cost more than cooking from scratch. In addition, with less free time, the couple may be willing to pay more for things rather than do the research to find lower cost alternatives.

Third, there are additional costs for transportation, including gas and wear and tear on a vehicle, that will be incurred.

In short, there are situations in which it can be fiscally appropriate to have one partner work outside the home and one partner work to maintain the home.

[elfkin477]

Hot breakfast in the morning on weekdays?
---Weekends?
Preparing lunch daily?
Hot dinner in the evening?
Vacuuming?
Sweeping?
Mopping?
Cleaning bathrooms?
Taking out the trash?
Mowing the lawn?
Handling family finances?
Planning vacations?
Sending out greeting cards to friends & family?
Cooking for social evenings with friends over?

Were I to marry a man whose job afforded me to stay home, I'd expect to do most of these things. The exceptions would be mowing the lawn (not because that's "man's work" but because cut grass is one of the few things to trigger an asthma reaction) and doing the finances because I'm crap at math. Add in food & sundries shopping and laundry instead.

[Ca3799]

I am a housewifely type person with two kids and I have a part time job. I do almost all that stuff...I do the yard, but not the finances. I provide approximately 70 homemade meals a snacks a week! (I don't know why that entertains me so when I say it like that.)

Since I have the luxury of time that my husband does not, I use it to get all those jobs done. We like to goof off on the weekends together, so I try to finish all that work stuff during the week and I certainly don't want DH to spend his little bit of spare time mowing the lawn on the weekend when we could be spending it together doing something fun. I'm a traditional appearing (but not in reality) home-body and I (and we) like it that way.

My neighbor, whose family is very similar to ours in terms of kids and finances, does not work and does little to none of the jobs listed. They eat almost every meal out and have services take care of everything from lawn to house to laundry. They are very social and belong to a lot of "do-good" social and charity-type organizations. Her free time during the day is spent at charity style shows and fund raising lunches or organizing the same. Many of their evenings are spent at 'events' or socializing. They seem very happy that way, too.

Both of us are busy but do very different things.

If we had a wife (or husband) swap, it would be disastrous.

If you are asking if it fair that the man work all day and do all the household chores at night and on weekends while the woman does 'nothing', then I would say "no" (unless, of course, both members of the the couple like it that way).

[Ca3799]

Obviously, childrearing is a whole 'nuther kettle of fish, involving vast efforts by the home-person, few of which are obvious to the outside-the-home breadwinner on a daily basis.

Thanks!

[mhendo]

I think that whoever stays home (man or woman) is responsible for pretty much the same amount of work (on an hourly basis) as the person who's at the office (or wherever). Household cleaning and other general chores, doing the shopping, maybe some maintenance-type work (within the person's abilities), etc.

The extent to which certain chores might be shared by both partners would be a matter of negotiation. For example, even if i were the person working for money, i'd still want to participate in arranging vacations, and i like to cook so i'd do that some of the time as well. I think that as long as it's negotiated in a reasonable manner, and that no-one has to do unreasonable things, the specifics shouldn't be set in stone.

I will add one thing that, to me, is really important in this equation:

I agree that the person who is not working for money has a responsibility to do the bulk of the work around the house. By the same token, though, the money being earned by the person with a job does not belong to that person alone—it is the family's money, and the stay-home person should not have to ask permission to buy something, or to spend money.

In the old fifties-style household, it was often the case that the husband gave the wife an allowance or "housekeeping money," and that the rest of the income was his to control. In a proper partnership, where both people agree on a certain division of labor (one at a job, one at home), the money belongs to both people and decisions about how to spend it are not the province of the breadwinner alone.

[matt_mcl]

I think there's no reason at all why the halves of a couple would, or would not, choose an arrangement in which one was a home maker, other than their preferences and economic situation.

If one of them had an income large enough to keep them up in the style to which they were accustomed, there's no reason at all why the other one should work (for pay) too, if the two of them like it like that. You don't get extra brownie points for having more money than you need at the expense of free time.

And I think it's an excellent point: if one person works at a job, and the other person spends that time keeping the house, and that's all they need to get done what they have to do... they have all the rest of the time to enjoy themselves, which is lovely.

At any rate, I think the upkeep of the household (including the breadwinning) should be split according to 1) mutual consent, 2) suitability of the task to the person, 3) fairness.

[cherry]

I am a Canadian married to an American and a housewife right now because I can't work here. We rent a house which includes landscaping. I cook dinner, we dont eat breakfast on weekdays, only on weekends which I make with my husband. Before I moved here my husband had a cleaning lady who came every two weeks and she does the bathrooms, vacuums, kitchen, tidys up the place and since I hate doing toilets, we still have a cleaning lady. I do laundry, sometimes take out the trash if my husband is coming home late. I do all the shopping including clothes, food, pretty much all shopping. I send out all the cards/gifts. And ususally I am the entertainment event coordinator for the both of us wrt what we do on our free time. I spend a lot of time volunteering on the island, so I am busy with that, other times I am at home or at the gym. I enjoy being a housewife for the time being. I was overworked so its nice not to have to work outside for a while, and taking care of our house is my job now.

[SkeptiJess]

I have always called myself a housewife because, even when our kids were small, my duties consisted of so much more than what is implied by "stay at home mom." For the last 20 years, I've done everything included in the OP's list except for mowing the lawn. You can add to that list all of the shopping and errand running, plus scheduling necessary appointments, and making sure those appointments are met. I also serve, to a limited extent, as a personal secretary -- if my husband needs to have something for work typed, for instance; and I wrote his resume and keep it updated for him. I like to think (and my husband does think and has said so many times), that my job is running the ship that is our family. So many of the two-income families we know live somewhat chaotic lives -- always rush-rush-rush, and their houses in a mess, and the meals never on time. That's cool for them, if it doesn't bother them (my sister lives like this and her family seems to thrive on it) -- but we don't like to live that way. Our house is always tidy, our laundry is always done, our meals are always on schedule, our bills are always up-to-date. We always have groceries in the cupboard, and gas in the cars. The exception is when I'm involved in some unusual job that akes me away from my normal duties -- when we're packing to move, or I'm painting or wallpapering, or when someone is sick or something. These things happen fairly rarely, but often enough for us to see what things would be like if I worked outside our home. When something needs doing, I'm almost always available to do it.

Sometimes I'm really busy -- when the kids were little especially. My kids are less than a year apart in age and our youngest is disabled, so when they were little there was a LOT to do. Still, on average, I don't put any more hours into the upkeep of our home than my husband does. Since we've been married, he has typically left for work at 6:30 or so and returned home at 6 or so at night. IMO, this is what should be counted to be 'fair' -- not the income generated by each partner's working, but the hours each partner contributes to the well-being of the household.

To be honest, with all I do, I think my husband puts in more hours lately than I do. We bought a house 3 years ago and he does most of the yardwork since our son left home. He also does all of the upkeep on the house itself. Home renovation jobs we share -- we just retiled the countertops and kitchen floors last month, and we will be repainting the whole house in June.

[NinetyWt]

Chopping wood and keeping the fire going in the woodstove at all times.
You might be interested to know that during my first marriage, the only source of heat in our house was a wood-burning furnace (circa 1984). Of course I was expected to chop wood and keep the fire going - as was my husband; it was a team effort. Can't let the fire go out, you know. ;)

[Dangerosa]

"Accounting" in these situations is going to be very personal. The important this is that neither spouse feels "taken advantage of." And each situation is going to be unique. Situation involving pursing a "non-lucrative career" (writing, art) will be different than "I watch soaps all day" or "spouse is ill."


Personally, with no kids, if Brainiac4 stayed home, I'd expect a clean house, yardwork done, bills paid, dinner made, laundry done, dishes taken care of. We do this now between two working adults with two children and it isn't a 40 hour a week job.

I would not expect the social secretary function, simply because I want control over my own social life. And I have a rule - greeting cards for his family are his business, for my family, my business (I'm not a greeting card person - if I didn't bother to send MY mother a Mother's Day card, I'm sure not sending his mother one).

[Velma]

The most important idea is that however you divide duties, both partners must think it is fair or you will only end up with resentment. Since my son was born I work part time and so I do more of the housework, but my husband does a lot too. If I was home full time with no kids I would do even more, and probably spend more time doing something extra like maybe extensive gardening or sewing or volunteering. I would expect to do 90% of the housework if I was home full time with no kids, but like I said couples need to both feel appreciated and that they got a fair deal.

My husband and I both understand that we both work hard. Some weeks he has to work long hours and then I take over even more of the household work. If he works 60 hours a week I don't expect him to do much when he gets home. When things are normal, I do the daily upkeep stuff like dishes, cooking, laundry, tidying, etc. and he does the once a week type cleaning. I also do the grocery shopping and household shopping and handle the finances, and the appointments. I am home 2 days a week (plus weekends) so more things get done then, but my primary reason for switching to part time is to be with our son, not to clean the house. So if the house is a mess when my husband gets home he is not upset or anything, and I usually catch up when the kid is in bed anyway. The house stays pretty clean overall. He is very good at fixing things and so he does the maintenance work on the house and we almost always have some sort of home project in progress. We both like to work on the house together.

Hot breakfasts are not a priority in our house but I make sure he has something to take for lunch and I make dinner most nights. If he gets home before I do then he will start dinner. He is also very involved with childcare and when we are both home he does as much as I do if not more with our son. Overall we are both happy with our arraingement but we have frequent talks about it and rearrange things if one person is feeling overwhelmed. Nothing is set in stone and we are both flexible - I usually do the laundry but he will throw a load in if he sees it needs to be done. He usually takes out the trash but I will empty it if I see it is full, stuff like that. Neither one of us refuses to help with something 'because it's not my job.' I think it's really important to respect each other in this way.

[Mr. Slant]

Is this an able-bodied person we're talking about here? Not on disability or mentally incompetent/deficient?

If so, and there's no children, and the family is not exceptionally wealthy, then why the hell would this person not be working? And why the hell would the husband agree to this arrangement??? :confused: :confused: :confused:

Answers:
Able-bodied.
Not disabled or incompetent.

Why not working? Good question.
Why did he agree to it? I haven't been able to get a good answer out of him.

[Corii]

Well if I was home (no kids) while my SO was working all day, here's what I would do (and have done):

laundry
cooking and making sack lunches
dishes
housecleaning and dusting
change cat litter


However he was still expected to pick up after himself for the most part - picking up socks is no biggie, but making a huge mess and leaving it for me to clean up is a big no-no. i.e. spills on the carpet, microwave explosions, etc...

Of course when I was working and he was not, I expected the same in return. We were both lax in keeping up the housecleaning agreements, but we were ok with it. :)

Oh and I firmly believe that finances should be worked on together.

[ouryL]

sex: multiple, various, often :D

[Mr. Slant]

sex: multiple, various, often :D

You know, here on the Dope, I'm freaking AMAZED you're the first person to mention that. Actually I'm more amazed freaking Japanime-style tentacle sex hasn't gotten mentioned.

[Dangerosa]

Answers:

Why did he agree to it? I haven't been able to get a good answer out of him.

Spouse gives out mind blowing blow jobs at the drop of a hat.

[cher3]

I work full time, have two young kids and do pretty much all of the things in the OPs list. (We don't have a lawn and we plan finances, vacations, and social stuff together). I can't see that the stay-at-home partner would have anything to complain about if asked to tackle any or all of that stuff.

The real work in staying at home comes with children. When they are little, that's where all the time goes and when they start school there is a whole new list of activities and responsibilities that arises, if you are even slightly involved with their schooling.

There is still the issue of when the stay-at-home person gets time off, but IMO, if you don't have kids and all you need to do is basic home maintenance, the freedom that comes with that more than makes up for having to cook on weekends.

[Indygrrl]

Work is highly overrated. I wouldn't do it if I didn't absolutely have to. Hell, I already do all the house work and things like that, so if someone wants to pay the bills I'll be more than happy to stay home and enjoy myself.

My main point--there's nothing wrong with someone staying home because their spouse can afford it. Work is not the be-all, end-all of life.

[FilmGeek]

If I could stay at home and pursue artistic pursuits, I would in a minute. As it is, we struggle with two part time jobs at low wages.

We split up the duties. He does the dishes (because I hate it) and I do the laundry (because he hates it). We both clean the cat box. He takes the dog out (it's his dog) and we both vacuum when we get too icked out by the state of the floor. Bathrooms get cleaned when we know we're having company. We're slobs, no question about it. :D

If we had lawn responsibilities (our landlord pays a service) I'd probably do it, because I like the physical labor part of it.

His main responsibility is the killing or removal of insects. The cats are hopeless in this regard.

[Zoe]

Anastasaeon
What's wrong with it? (Referring to the use of the word housewife)

In your case, I suppose nothing would be wrong with it. But most men who are homemakers don't like to be referred to as housewives. And personally I like the word homemaker because of its pleasant connotations. It's used more often now I think.

The tasks involved should be up to the homemaker involved and the time should be equivalent to that of the person working outside the home. Any additional time spent on household tasks should be matched by time spent by the spouse. An exception could be made if one or the other actually enjoys household tasks for a hobby -- carpentry, gardening, sewing. That would not have to be matched.

[PunditLisa]

When I was a SAHM, I did everything except mow the lawn. When my husband lost his job and had to start a new business, I got a job where I could work during the evening. Mr. Pundit picked up some of the chores (e.g. dinner) that I couldn't do any more. I gave a little; he gave a little.

Once the kids started school, I found a PT job that pays well and makes me feel valued. Even though my husband's business is now doing well, I maintain my PT job so that we can sock away money for retirement and have some fun.

The key here is that we're a team. We discuss it and decide together what's best for our family. At the end of the day, we both feel that we've achieved a nice balance of work/family.

I get the feeling that Jonathan doesn't feel that the "housewife" in question is contributing enough. And I will caution Jonathan that if he is not talking about his own spouse, then he should keep his nose out of it. It isn't his deal. One of the biggest challenges of marriage is finding a nice work/family balance. It's different for each family.

If it IS Jonathan's spouse he is referring to, and he and his wife cannot agree what constitutes a fair division of labor, then I think soliciting opinions is a fair place to start. However, I picked up something in this thread which lends me to believe that he be satisfied with the wife's contribution until she gets a paying job.

[Mr. Slant]

SNIP
If it IS Jonathan's spouse he is referring to, and he and his wife cannot agree what constitutes a fair division of labor, then I think soliciting opinions is a fair place to start. However, I picked up something in this thread which lends me to believe that he be satisfied with the wife's contribution until she gets a paying job.

In that last sentence, you're missing a word between "he" and "be".
Your advice on staying out of other's business is noted, and good advice.

[Shirley Ujest]

I have the best job in the world, if you don't include the drudge work of cleaning and shit like that. [sieze=1]It's so overated[/size]

I get to:

do all the present shopping for the kids and family.

garage sale and Resale shop for Da Deals.

Plan the vacations and what we are doing. (I use to be a travel agent.)

Handle all the material my kids are subjected too ( TV/Print/Games) instead of letting the TV be the electronic pacifyer.

Educate my children and bring them Up To Snuff.

Dog Training, cuddling and, eventually, doggie shopping ( which we are currently in the market for a new member of the family as The Dog is getting very old.)

Basic Car Maintence. ( Mr. Ujest handles the bigger stuff and he is awesome at it.)

Lawn duties and the garden. ( If Mr. Ujest planted anything, it would be concrete. and when he has a weedwacker, to him, everything is a weed....oh...my perennials...)



Mr. Ujest jobs:

Earn money
Grouse about bills
Fix cars
obsess about what our next car will be this is a continous thought for him and once a new car is purchased, he starts in on the next car. Loads of fun.
Sports and obsessing.
Kids and general upkeep.
Household maintence, which is basically light bulb changing since he built the house and all he has to do is lightbulbs.
Obsess about his Barn and What Next Can I Do In It Without Ever REally Finishing it?

[capybara]

Who does what in our house depends on who is doing what outside of it. Last year when we were abroad he was unemployed and I was doing research/ writing-- he did most of the housework, including a lot of cooking because he enjoys it. When he took up a couple of classes I helped a bit more around the house. Ditto for earlier this year when I've been dissertation-writing and he's been tinkering/ playing x-box. Now that he has a job outside the house and is gone a lot with a long commute I do most things around the house to make it easier for him to put something in his mouth and put on clean pants when he leaves for work. Since he's around much less the house keeps pretty tidy and it takes only an hour a day to keep it up (not including laundry, cleaning after parrot, making sure bills get paid, and other occasional tasks. On the weekends he likes to cook, especially breakfast. Basically, if I'm not hunkering down and writing, I figure I might as well be contributing somehow, so it's only fair. If I ever start to actually work on the dissertation for 8 hours a day (yeah, right!), things might change.

[PunditLisa]

In that last sentence, you're missing a word between "he" and "be".

Ah, you're assuming I wasn't practicing up on my eubonics.

::Sigh::

I somehow missed 2 words, actually. Please insert "would not" in my last sentence.

I do know how tempting it is to make judgments on other people's marriages. I play tennis and as such meet a lot of "tennis" wives. Their husbands work every day and they...play tennis. They have nannies to watch the kids, housekeepers to do the house work, and a lawn service takes care of the lawn. Honestly, I don't know how these marriages survive because their life seems so glaringly out of balance. Yet, I have to admit that most of the couples seem quite content in their situation. So who am I to judge?

I would also like to add that if the wife in question has a degree or previously held a job that leveraged her skills, her refusal to get a *mundane* job may be less of a laziness issue and more of a pride thing. When my husband and I moved to NYC for a year so he could gain experience as an international energy broker, I gave up a very promising career. And while I did suck it up and get a job as a temp because I was bored AND felt guilty staying home, I must admit that it was a huge blow to my self-esteem to be answering phones for a living. While I was happy for my husband, I did harbor some resentment for supporting his career at the expense of my own.