Island Wedding: Go or No?

[meow meow]

I’m looking for some advice about what I should do about the following situation:

My cousin is getting married in May of 2006 on the island of St. Thomas. I am supposed to be the matron of honor. (Matron! is that what I am? Jeez.) I originally told her that if she decided on an island wedding, I may not be able to attend. My husband and I are not doing too well financially – he just had his second hip replacement in two years last week and has been out of work most of this time. I have a full time job, and I recently took a part time job so that we could at least stop living on credit. We are in a lot of debt. That should be a LOT of debt, actually. Like $30K.

According to expedia, one flight would cost about $450. I would like to bring my husband, of course, so that’s $900 plus several more hundred for lodging.

Anyway, she told me that if it was important to me, I would make it happen. I think this is unfair of her to say, to make me feel guilty like that, and I told her so. We have gotten into some pretty heated arguments about it. Somehow, she always makes me look like I don’t love her if I just don’t make it happen. I do love her, even if she is being a selfish bitch and was a pretty crappy (according to my other bridesmaids) maid of honor to me.

I know I have a year to “save”. The thing is, we are barely getting by as it is, and how about that 30K? mr. meow won’t be able to work until September or so.

Should I suck it up and go? The thing that kills me is the reason she is having it there is so that she and her fiancé can save money by not having a fancy wedding here so they can buy a house. Hey! I’d like to save for a house too, but my own marriage vows (sicker! poorer!) have so far prevented us from doing that.

Am I being a tacky bitch by spoiling the bride to be's thoughts of her special day by bringing up my financial problems?

I'm so Charlie Brown wishy washy. I feel like I'm being irresponsible if I go or if I don't. If I don't go, I fear that things in the family will never really be OK again.

[Hello Again]

No way. Your Bridezilla is putting a very unreasonable expectation on you, considering your circumstances. You should politely decline.

Now I have in the past spent a little more than I should have in order to stand up in certain friends' weddings. But I am debt free and single. Spending $2K that could be getting you back on your feet financially? Ridiculous! Don't do it! Just Say No.

Remember you can just as easily say to her "if it is so important to you, YOU can make it happen." $900 for your airfare probably wouldn't make a dent in her "destination wedding" expenses. I mean really.

[QuickSilver]

Anyway, she told me that if it was important to me, I would make it happen. I think this is unfair of her to say, to make me feel guilty like that, and I told her so. We have gotten into some pretty heated arguments about it. Somehow, she always makes me look like I don’t love her if I just don’t make it happen. I do love her, even if she is being a selfish bitch and was a pretty crappy (according to my other bridesmaids) maid of honor to me.
<snip>
I don't. If I don't go, I fear that things in the family will never really be OK again.

1) Thank her for the invitation and offer sincere appologies for not being able to make it.
2) Send a nice gift (within your means not as compensation for not going).
3) If she loves you, she'll understand.
4) The family ought not take sides, but they may.
5) In case you're still not sure, YOU are in the right.

[wasson]

It depends on your cousin. It sounds to me like she's a bit selfish and self-centered, and no amount of reasoning is going to make you skipping the wedding an okay move. I suspect you're right that it will always be a sore spot between you and her, and you and her new husband, and probably anyone else in the family who doesn't know about your financial woes.

But on the other hand, why would you want to go out of your way, spend money you don't have, and worry about a future relationship with someone who is so self-centered that she doesn't care about the troubles that are keeping one of her best friends from going to her wedding? If I were you, I'd be more likely to try and scrape up the money and go if my friend gave me the okay to skip it.

In short, I probably wouldn't go. I wouldn't go out of my way to tell my family why, unless they ask. Then I wouldn't hold back at all about how your financial troubles were the main reason I skipped, and her attitude towards my finances were a close second.

[Dewey Finn]

Send your regrets to your cousin, and don't give it a second thought. Your own financial problems are reason enough not to go. If you win the lottery in the meantime, perhaps you can still attend, but only as a guest. The cousin should find someone else to serve as maid/matron of honor.

[CrankyAsAnOldMan]

I have done a lot of reading about destination weddings, and I have to say I've always thought it was sort of a bottom-line understanding that if you have a wedding in a far off place, it will preclude some people from going. That's the trade off! It's a neat location, and some people will be thrilled to death, but some people will miss it.

On some level she surely knows that. While she may be disappointed (after all, she must really care for you if she made you her matron of honor) she's got to be realistic.

It's unfortunate that she's making your attendance some sort of litmus test of how much you truly want to be there. That's not right.

[Cheesesteak]

Anyway, she told me that if it was important to me, I would make it happen. [What meow meow's response should have been]
Gee... You're right. Have a nice time. Send pictures.
[/wmmrshb]

Ok, maybe that's a bit too mean. If you can afford it, take the trip. If you can't tell her you can't and inform her that she's a selfish bitch for forcing an expensive trip on everyone in her wedding, and guilting them to spend it. If you're her matron of honor, you'd think that she would care about your financial situation.

"If I were important to you, you would understand that I can't spend that much money on an event."

[romansperson]

My matron of honor had to fly cross-country to be in my wedding. I paid for her plane ticket. I wouldn't have dreamt of telling her she had to foot the bill for that - she and her husband had just started out in their careers at the time and were living in an expensive area. The only thing she paid for was her dress, and I told her to get one she liked and just tell me what the color was so we could work it into her bouquet. She was able to wear the dress on several other occasions.

I think if I were in your place and the bride didn't want to pony up for my expenses I'd just regretfully decline to be matron of honor, and if anyone wanted to know why I'd tell them the truth - that I just couldn't lay out that kind of money due to my financial situation. Being a bride doesn't entitle her to make everyone else miserable and broke.

[davenportavenger]

Who the hell has weddings on an island that you have to fly/sail to? I mean, besides the Rockefellers. Is this a growing trend? God, I hope not. And isn't it totally unreasonable to expect guests to pay for their own airfare? I mean, she's the one who wants the fancyass wedding, she's the one that should pay. It is totally unreasonable to expect "guests" to pay $450 each for the honor of seeing her privileged butt get hitched. What a totally bizarre idea. I wouldn't go even if I could afford it.

(P.S. I have never been to a wedding reception that wasn't at the Sons of Italy or a fire hall. I feel like such a hick. But at least the people in my family can have fun at our weddings and not worry about how much money it's costing us or that some little kid is going to spill punch and destroy the whole marriage. Meticulously planned-out fancy weddings are so alien to me.)

[DMark]

The least she could do would be to buy your ticket.

Too bad you aren't able to afford to go and take your husband and stick around a week before or after to have your own island getaway.

But to insist someone spend a lot of money that they do not have, to attend a 20 minute ceremony? That is selfish on the bride-to-be's part and erase any feeling of guilt you might have.

(Get a life size cut-out photo of yourself and send it to the hotel and have it placed at the altar the day of the wedding with a note, "Am here in spirit. Postage, I can afford.")

[DiosaBellissima]

You are absolutely under no obligation to go, particularly if you simply cannot afford it.

I assume your family knows about your situation? (Ya know, unless you hid the hubby's "surgery" because he was really getting special training for the CIA...and and...ok I'll stop.) If the whole family knows, surely the cousin or another family member would at least offer to pay for part. Especially if you being there means so much to your cousin.

[Ashes, Ashes]

You're correct; she's being emotional and unreasonable. This sort of situation is why I'd never want a destination wedding. Not only can a good many people not really afford the airfair (imagine the cost to an average family of four), some of those who could afford it can't swing the time from work.

One of my cousins insisted upon a lavish wedding in Monterrey, which is not just an expensive place to visit, but a day's drive for the nearest relative. She was shocked so many people declined. It caused a little unease in our family but everyone but the bride agreed it hadn't been a wise move on her part if she'd wanted good attendance. Years later, even she agrees it wasn't a good idea.

You've got to look out for yourself meow meow, 'cause it doesn't look as though she is going to, and you're the one having to live with your decision. There is nothing wrong with living within your means and spending money you don't have is not an indicator of your love for her. Once the bridezilla radiation poisoning wears off, she'll probably come around.

[MovieMogul]

Interestingly, I was a groomsman for a destination wedding on St. John's. Although my wife and I found a terrificly reasonable place to stay (which is pretty rare out there, especially if you're prepping for a wedding), we still had to fly out, rent a car, plus the ferry, plus the clothes purchasing, plus accomodations, food, etc. It is not something that any reasonable person would expect from a friend if there was any doubt about their financial situation.

I suspect if meow meow went to great lengths to scrimp & save, budget far in advance, and make personal sacrifices to be able to afford attending this "special" event, the Entitlement Bride would take it all for granted and not remotely appreciate the effort. Screw her, I say. A regretful note is all that's necessary, since the friend doesn't seem to have a frickin' clue.

[GorillaMan]

(P.S. I have never been to a wedding reception that wasn't at the Sons of Italy or a fire hall. I feel like such a hick. But at least the people in my family can have fun at our weddings and not worry about how much money it's costing us)
Most weddings I've been to have been flying-distance away. I guess that this does come down to who is actually involved - next month I'm off to Canada for a wedding, which is acutally going to be a long holiday for the extended family. However, all this is as a guest. Matron of Honour, as far as I see it, is part of the wedding party, and shouldn't be expected to pay her own way.

Why have you been asked to be Matron of Honour? Is it because she wants you there, or because some silly rule says so-and-so should be?

[Shirley Ujest]

Bridezilla, indeed.

My neighbor's brother and on again-off again fiance ( about 9 years worth of it) decided to get married in Hawaii as proof that they were finally getting married. It's more of her idea, not his. :rolleyes:

My neighbor and her husband were so excited (she was elated. Her husband was reticent.) and decided to go, as they were the only family members who really could afford a Februrary plane ticket from Michigan to Honolulu & snazzy waterfront hotel rooms. $$$$$

I told Mr. Ujest that the groom would get cold feet and back out (like he's done several times in the past. and the bride is just hanging on to his gravy train and coming back for me because he a) makes excellent money and b) is never home-he travels lots. c) he had no interest in marriage d) what a mess.) Personally, I would side with the groom on this one. Any woman that hangs around for a near decade is a free loader or needs therapy. He's a work of art too.


They flew out there....and the groom backed out and never even made it to the island. He took off to work in Sweden or Singapore for 6 months.

HAH!

The highlight was that my neighbors got a really nice vacation out of it. However, if this happened to you, that would just suck.


Just thought I'd share.

[Q.N. Jones]

You should do what you feel is right for you. You're in a tight spot, and that doesn't change just because she's getting married. If she's worth keeping as a friend, she will understand that.

One suggestion: I was a bridesmaid for a friend who lived in Alaska. The air fare was $800. I couldn't really afford to go (I was in school at the time). I asked my parents, and they gave me the plane ticket for Christmas. They used frequent flier miles, so it worked out well for all of us. Do you have parents who might be able to similarly help you out? If you really want to go, that is.

[pulykamell]

The least she could do would be to buy your ticket.


Absolutely. If I were planning a destination wedding, I wouldn't expect my best man or maid/matron of honor especially to foot the bill. Hell, when my best friend had a wedding in Lanaii, Hawaii, he paid $600 for my hotel bill and I covered the $600 airfare there, because otherwise at the time I wouldn't have been able to afford to come. And I wasn't even part of the wedding party!

So, yeah, she's totally being unreasonable. If it means so much for her for you to be there, she could at least meet you halfway.

[Celyn]

Eek, don't go. Bride sounds very self-centred. She doesn't seem to care in the slgihtest about your and Mr Meow's situation. And I bet you could do without the added stress of having trying to make you feel bad about it all.

Hell, given the money problem, you wouldn't dream of planning an expensive trip for you and Mr. Meow, I am sure, so why should Bridezilla (sorry, I Do like that name) be allowed to give you this grief?

grrr.

[Geobabe]

Anyway, she told me that if it was important to me, I would make it happen. I think this is unfair of her to say, to make me feel guilty like that, and I told her so. We have gotten into some pretty heated arguments about it. Somehow, she always makes me look like I don’t love her if I just don’t make it happen. I do love her, even if she is being a selfish bitch and was a pretty crappy (according to my other bridesmaids) maid of honor to me. Yeesh. I agree with the others. She's got it all ass-backwards. If it was important to HER, SHE'D find a way to make it happen. If you can't afford it, you can't afford it, and no amount of foot-stamping on her part is going to magically change your situation.

I got married in Key West, and my then-fiance and I knew going in that we were asking a lot having people travel all the way there, and that some people we'd really love to have there wouldn't be able to make it. We accepted their regrets. If we'd had more money, we would have paid for plane tickets or hotel rooms to help them out, but we couldn't *insist* they be there without being willing and able to assist them in managing it.

[Flipstrip]

The bride-to-be has almost a whole year in which to find someone else to be her Maid/Matron of Honor. Decline, and don't let her guilt you over this, Meow Meow.

[TheLoadedDog]

Yeah, concur with the others.

It's an unrealistic expectation of you. Even if you were well-off financially, it's still an imposition. A wedding should be an event that takes place within the greater metropolitan area of where you live (or a bit beyond), and a thing that costs you as a guest couple probably a couple of hundred bucks between you as a cash gift or for a present. In return you get a nice evening out at the reception. Beyond this, and the couple getting married have three options:
1. Pay for your tickets and motel.
2. Not bat an eyelid when you politely decline.
3. Be utterly surprised and fucking grateful that you've turned up.

Don't get loaded up with guilt about this.

[Ferret Herder]

Should I suck it up and go? The thing that kills me is the reason she is having it there is so that she and her fiancé can save money by not having a fancy wedding here so they can buy a house.
In other words, she wants to have her cake and eat it too. Lovely.

10 years ago, good friends of my husband and I decided to fly off to St. Thomas to get married. They were eloping, but wanted he and I to be their best man and maid of honor - and they insisted on paying our way for everything, down to most of the meals.

Especially since you'd already told her what a tough financial situation you're in, she is being selfish and in that "Bridezilla" world where stuff like that makes sense. Hopefully she'll wise up and realize what she's really expecting.

[Siege]

I'd also send my regrets. My family's split between England and America, with my siblings and parents living in the States and the rest in England. When my cousin fell in love with an American, she knew not everyone would be able to attend the wedding, no matter which country she got married in. As a result, she held the wedding in New Jersey, where she and her husband live. A year later, she held a reception in England for the relatives and friends who couldn't attend her wedding. I couldn't make either one, for a few reasons, but there was none of this, "If you truly loved me you'd _____!" nonsense, and it wouldn't occur to her or me to force one of us to pay for something he or she couldn't afford. I'm with the others who've said if you're being matron of honor is that important to your cousin, she should offer to pay for airfare and hotel at a minimum.

I'm sorry things are going so badly.

CJ

[clairobscur]

Anyway, she told me that if it was important to me, I would make it happen.

If it was important to her, she would pay yuou the ticket andaccomodations, knowing your situation.



I think this is unfair of her to say, to make me feel guilty like that, and I told her so.

You were right.


she always makes me look like I don’t love her if I just don’t make it happen.

Childish behavior.



I know I have a year to “save”. The thing is, we are barely getting by as it is, and how about that 30K? mr. meow won’t be able to work until September or so.

Your financial issues should take precedence over the egoistical pleasure your cousin would have thinking she's special enough for people painfully saving enough money to attend her fucking marriage.


Should I suck it up and go?

No


The thing that kills me is the reason she is having it there is so that she and her fiancé can save money by not having a fancy wedding here so they can buy a house.

Tell her she's right to be so financially responsible, and that you're going to follow her example by not attenting her marriage (Not really, of course. No need to escalate the situation)


Am I being a tacky bitch by spoiling the bride to be's thoughts of her special day by bringing up my financial problems?

The world doesn't revolve around her "special day". However, if you actually didn't explain her your financial problems, I would be more lenient regarding her attitude. Though you don't need to explain them in detail, "I'd love to attend your marriage but currently we just can't afford the trip and the accomodation" should suffice.


If I don't go, I fear that things in the family will never really be OK again.


If she's unable or unwilling to understand that people in financial troubles don't have a duty to save every dime for one year just to attend her "special day", sooner or later, you'll run into other probems with this princess, anyway.

You can't sacrifice everything just to make every self-centered relative or friend happy.

[Cat Jones]

You poor thing ! Another vote for the Bride being unreasonable.

You made your position clear from the begining. She seems to have ignored you. You may regret not going in the short term but she is being selfish. The thing that kills me is the reason she is having it there is so that she and her fiancé can save money by not having a fancy wedding here so they can buy a house. Thta's some wedding gift you're all contributing to by agreeing to fly out for her wedding :dubious:

If you really want someone at your wedding - you make it as easy as pôssible for them to come. That's the bottom line.

Ponster & I getting married in September ( :) :) :) :) ), in Paris. But hey, we live here. Guests will be coming from the UK, Ireland, the US & Italy. The date was set taking into consideration the weather (a lot of people are using the wedding as an excuse for a short break in France), the price of flights from the States, the departure of some cousins of mine for Australia .. so we've ended up with a Thursday. This is far from ideal, at least two friends of mine will be coming without their partners who can't get or can't afford time off work. I undertsand and feel bad for them; one is having to take unpaid leave - we've said we'll pay her accom. costs. After all it's a mere drop in the wedding ocean! (I was a bridesmaid at her wedding a couple of years ago - which entailed at least three trips to Wales - I was not expected to pay for my dress or accom.)

I repeat, if you really want someone at your wedding - you make it as easy as pôssible for them to come. You don't force them to spend money they don't have !

[Rick]

[Robin Williams]Call the travel agent book a heavy guilt trip![/RW]
Another voite fro Buh bye, have a nice trip.

[meow meow]

Thanks for the replies.

When we discussed this again last night, she said that her family (my aunt and uncle, both remarried) will help me pay for the trip. (I wonder what “help” means?) I also wonder why the hell she didn’t mention this in the first place to avoid all the BS. I think she likes me to feel guilty. She knows how much trouble I am financially. Everybody does.

Well, I might not go anyway. I drank a little too much last night and I told her some things I meant and some things I regret. She has always been a selfish person, bridezilla aside, but I shouldn’t have said what I did. But it’s been a long time bottled up. So, now she’s pissed at me. More leverage for her, great. More guilt for me.

My mother is furious at this whole thing. She is mostly pissed off at my aunt, who is basically holding the reins of the thing. My mom also thinks the wedding will never take off and that the groom will flee the scene. I doubt it, but I guess it’s possible. He’s a bit of a hothead. My mom has told me that she and her husband are not going, by the way.

The only reason I might still go is because we are more like sisters than 1st cousins. We are the same age, grew up together…Oh and did I mention? I am also her only real friend. She has trouble making and keeping friends…I wonder why? As I think more about this I REALLY don’t want to go, I am starting not to care at all about her stupid ceremony. She’s having an after island reception party here anyway. (As well as an engagement party and a shower, but who’s counting?!) But, we have a very small family. Something like this would not be good, I would never hear the end of it, and I might have to kill someone. So, I don’t know. I guess it depends on if I really get some help to pay for it or not. I can’t go further in debt for this, if that is what it would amount to. I will feel bad to leave mr. meow home, though. He’ll be disappointed. Maybe by then we can swing his airfare.

Thanks for easing my why do I feel guilty feelings…What a shame that when I think back about her wedding I will remember this.

[CrankyAsAnOldMan]

Who the hell has weddings on an island that you have to fly/sail to? I mean, besides the Rockefellers. Is this a growing trend? God, I hope not. And isn't it totally unreasonable to expect guests to pay for their own airfare?

A wedding should be an event that takes place within the greater metropolitan area of where you live (or a bit beyond), and a thing that costs you as a guest couple probably a couple of hundred bucks between you as a cash gift or for a present. In return you get a nice evening out at the reception.

Sorry to break it to you, but the 'destination wedding' thing is a trend (at least in the U.S.) and has really taken off in the last decade. I had one. They are not necessarily fancy expensive weddings, either, although obviously some or all guests are going to have higher travel expenses than they would otherwise.

However, part of the deal is that you don't make unreasonable expectations of your guests. This was lost on the bride in question here.

To my knowledge, there is no social obligation to pay for the travel expenses of your guests, no matter where you get married. This is not a "fancyass wedding" issue. If you got married in your hometown in Kansas when your groom is from Nevada, would you pay for your husband's family to travel there? If you get married in Nevada, do you pay for your Kansas family and friends? What if you both live in Chicago?

I do agree with others that the correct thing to do is to either pay for the wedding party or be kind about their need to decline the travel expenses. I think the bride here is wrong, but it's not because she so inconsiderately wanted a fancy wedding (didn't the OP say the wedding was low-cost anyway?), refused to get married in a major metropolitan area, or have a reception at the Knight of Columbus hall.

[meow meow]

fancy wedding (didn't the OP say the wedding was low-cost anyway)

Low-cost for them. Her mom is paying for it, which will ultimately be cheaper since there will be fewer guests.

[Q.N. Jones]

Well, I might not go anyway. I drank a little too much last night and I told her some things I meant and some things I regret. She has always been a selfish person, bridezilla aside, but I shouldn’t have said what I did. But it’s been a long time bottled up. So, now she’s pissed at me. More leverage for her, great. More guilt for me....

The only reason I might still go is because we are more like sisters than 1st cousins. We are the same age, grew up together…Oh and did I mention? I am also her only real friend...But, we have a very small family. Something like this would not be good, I would never hear the end of it, and I might have to kill someone. So, I don’t know. I guess it depends on if I really get some help to pay for it or not. I can’t go further in debt for this, if that is what it would amount to. I will feel bad to leave mr. meow home, though. He’ll be disappointed. Maybe by then we can swing his airfare.

Thanks for easing my why do I feel guilty feelings…What a shame that when I think back about her wedding I will remember this.

Sounds to me like the only reasons for going would be:
1. Guilt piled on you from every direction.
2. Desire to go on a vacation.

My solution:
1. Tell everyone to fuck off. Only bat your eyelashes and tell them a sob story and make them feel guilty for harassing you.
2. Save up for a vacation the two of you can afford.

Who the hell has weddings on an island that you have to fly/sail to? I mean, besides the Rockefellers. Is this a growing trend?

Yes. However, the one couple I knew who did this did not invite guests. They treated it like an elopement--a combination wedding/honeymoon, just for the bride and groom. They were on a budget where they could afford a really nice honeymoon or a wedding that only her family could afford to attend (he's Argentinian, but they live in Minnesota). It was a really nice and relatively low-key solution to the problem. Both families had small parties for the couple later on--one in Minnesota, the other in Argentina the next time they visited.

It wasn't their dream wedding, but everyone cooperated and came away happy. When budgets are limited, that's just what loving families have to do. Meow meow, you should feel free to make a compromise based on your budget. Satisfy your own standards. She has no right to expect anything from you.

[davenportavenger]

To my knowledge, there is no social obligation to pay for the travel expenses of your guests, no matter where you get married. This is not a "fancyass wedding" issue. If you got married in your hometown in Kansas when your groom is from Nevada, would you pay for your husband's family to travel there? If you get married in Nevada, do you pay for your Kansas family and friends? What if you both live in Chicago?But neither the bride nor groom live in St. Thomas (I'm assuming?), nor do they have family there. It's an entirely arbitrary choice that seems set up only to inconvenience their families and show how high-class and snooty they are. In a word, fancyass.

I do like the combination wedding with no guests/honeymoon idea.

[meow meow]

But neither the bride nor groom live in St. Thomas (I'm assuming?), nor do they have family there. It's an entirely arbitrary choice that seems set up only to inconvenience their families and show how high-class and snooty they are. In a word, fancyass.

That's it exactly. An acceptably fancy wedding here would mean they have to shell out for some of it. A fancy wedding there means that the parents can cover it all.
And St. Thomas? I've never been there, but what is so great about that? I guess I am not an island person. I would have been pretty excited to go to Costa Rica (because I've always wanted to go) or even Ireland (where our families are from).
Well, ok, it is not my wedding after all. I actually wanted to have my family at my wedding, and had it here in NJ, where most of them are! mmmm bitterness.

So, If what she says is true, (It's ridiculous that I can't even bring this up with her anymore. She says she is too stressed out to think about it anymore. She has a frikkin wedding planner. What's to think about?) and I will get help to go, do I just sit back and wait until somebody talks to me about it and buys my ticket?

[Hampshire]

It's not selfish of her to have a wedding there,
it is selfish of her to expect other people to attend.

Financially it's going to cost you more than airfare. Hotel? Car rental? Food? Time off of work?

My brother got married in Hawaii earlier this year. It was his wife's and her family's idea. Of course her whole family was there. The only person that went from our side was Mom. No Dad, or 3 siblings.
He was totally understanding and never expected any of us to attend.

Bridezilla on the other hand thinks our whole family is cheap and/or we hate her.

Well, she's 50% right.

[badbadrubberpiggy]

It's not selfish of her to have a wedding there,
it is selfish of her to expect other people to attend.




Yup. She can have her wedding any damn place she pleases - but she can't expect/guilt people into attending. That makes her a bridezilla. I can certainly understand the appeal of a destination wedding (we thought of having one!) but you really can't expect people to fork over that much money. The biggest reason we didn't have one was because we knew so many of our friends wouldn't be able to afford it, and we'd rather have them there than have the wedding elsewhere.

And next time she tries to guilt you with, "If you cared you'd find a way to come!" say, "well, if you cared about me coming, you'd have had the wedding somewhere I could afford to go!"

Don't go if you can't afford it, you're not being selfish in the least.

[Cheesesteak]

Hampshire, I can't believe the bride thinks that you're all cheap/hateful because you all didn't fly down to Hawaii for her wedding. (actually, I can believe it perfectly well, but it still surprises me that people are this petty) With family that far apart, the only sensible thing to do is what my friend did. Elope and have a party in each location. Then, only two people have to spend big bucks to fly around.

[JRDelirious]

I think she likes me to feel guilty.

Well, I might not go anyway. I drank a little too much last night and I told her some things I meant and some things I regret. She has always been a selfish person, bridezilla aside, but I shouldn’t have said what I did. But it’s been a long time bottled up. So, now she’s pissed at me. More leverage for her, great. More guilt for me.

Deny her the power. Reach in, rip that "guilt" out of wherever it is lodged. Or plaster it over with the knowledge that you are right.

YOU ARE NOT DOING ANYTHING EVIL
YOU ARE NOT REFUSING ANYTHING NECESSARY


This spoken by someone who has travelled and covered his expenses on his own dime to weddings in Guatemala and Kentucky, from Puerto Rico.



BTW, what with the stupendous cost that many regular in-town weddings are running these days, "destination weddings" are NOT a Rockefellerian extravagancy any more. Just another way to blow a few thousand dollars.

But even if I were to do a "destination" wedding, it would be as in the example a little bit above, a pseudo-elopement, a small intimate thing, and then we're having a big, fun, party for family and friends in our hometown(s) so nobody feels excluded. (Not that I'd be likely to even be dating anyone who'd expect her nuptials to be the Social Event of the Year)