There goes (comes?) the neighborhood...

[Loopydude]

I live in a townhouse/condo, in a row of 8 nearly identical units, just left of the center of the row (fourth from the left, in other words). It's a nice unit, brand new when we bought it, the street is quiet enough...but the main reason we live where we do is because it was spacious, affordable, and convenient. We would have preferred our own discrete house but, around here? HAH! You have to be a millionare, practically, to responsibly own a house in greater Boston.

You buy into a condo, you take certain risks. You share one or more walls with your neighbors. You settle disputes in an association of which you are but one member of many. IOW, some aspects of your ownership can be subject to irritatingly democratic forces, and your options are to move out or just deal.

Perhaps until recently, we've been very lucky. All our neighbors have been fine, courteous folks, young professionals getting a start in the market like ourselves, the sorts of people you feel fortunate to have around, if you must have someone around.

Then the new chick moved in. We'll call her Angie. Angie moved into a unit once occupied by two newlywed resident physicians. The marvelous thing about the residents is they may as well have not been there at all. Normally, they either really weren't at home, or were asleep if they were. It was great. We'd go months without even seeing them, and they barely made a sound. The perfect neighbors in a condo arrangement.

Angie's a different story. We caught wind she'd had her old house foreclosed on, something to do with a nasty divorce...yet she still drives a shiney new Lexus SUV. She's from somewheah on the Nawth Shoah, smokes and cusses like a troopah, and has the biggest friggin' haiah I've seen in quite a while. She's also got these two punk teenage kids who don't seem to actually live with her, yet are around all the time, partying with their friends and smoking weed in the alley out back. I'm getting a little tired of their fucking obnoxious music through the walls, and the smell of ganga wafting in. One time her kids were out front pounding loudly on the door and screaming "Mom, open the fucking door! MOM! Open the FUCKING DOOR YOU SKANK!" Apparently, Angie was passed-out inside. I stuck my head out my door and gave them my meanest STFU-or-I'm-calling-the-cops routine, but, like all punk-ass little fucking shitstain kids, they weren't terribly respectful of my righteous indignation.

I may as well face it: We got us some gen-u-ine white trash next door, and our happy neighborhood won't be quite the same.

The last straw may have been last night. There's this fat, bald, scary looking fuck Angie appears to be shacking up with, and I think I overheard them going at it. The scary image of Ms. Hairwall doing the nasty with Michael Chiklis' much uglier and flabbier sibling was disturbing enough, but at what I can only guess was the climax of their passion, I overheard him bellow:

"OH! OH my GOD my ASS! OH MY FUCKING ASS! YEEAH!"

I dunno if I can take a whole lot more of that. That's some nasty fucking toxic noise polution, my friends, and I'm thinking long and hard about what kind of disinfectant we can use to hose it all away. My guess is some of the neighbors aren't much happier than I am, if they're at all aware. Maybe opening up a little can of democratic whoop-ass will serve me better than I'd thought...In the mean time, oy-vey! Perhaps it's time to start looking at the house listings again...Woe is me.

[Contrapuntal]

That sucks man.

Call the cops on the kids. Don't threaten, just do it.

Record the noise pollution if it is at all posssible. Especially the x-rated stuff. Maybe she can be shamed......? Nah, I guess not.

[Atheist Princess]

"OH! OH my GOD my ASS! OH MY FUCKING ASS! YEEAH!"


Sorry but I laughed til I cried over that one...

Certainly does suck. You could alwas try to out-do her but then again se'd probably complain ;)

[Zsofia]

And the screams of laughter from your place going through the walls just as easily as his, er, cries of passion didn't shut them up? I'm thinking shame is not going to cut it on this one. :)

[EddyTeddyFreddy]

Record the noise pollution if it is at all posssible. Especially the x-rated stuff. Maybe she can be shamed......? Nah, I guess not. Shame a No'th Shoah bighair broad? What are you, crazy? You might as well command the incoming tide at Reveah Beach to retreat.

[World Eater]

Blast some Deicide at 4:00 am. :p

[Loopydude]

Sorry but I laughed til I cried over that one...

I very nearly cried, but I sure as fuck wasn't laughing...written out it does read as if pure hilarity, I'll admit, but...oh it's just the biggest cringer...I can't...

[Baldwin]

Is this a glimpse into where Jerry Springer used to find his tv show guests?

[buttonjockey308]

Loop, here's whatcha do...

1. Get a smoke machine. Borrow it, don't buy it.
2. Get some clear tubing and a metal funnel.
3. Look for an open window on skankerella's place.
4. Run the tubing from your place to her place, attach it to the end of the funnel, put the funnel over the smoke machine hole (it can get hot).
5. Turn on your sprinklers, aim them at her exits
6. Wait for the sexual gymnastics to begin.
7. Fill her house with harmless smoke, setting off the smoke alarms.
8. Wait for her and baldy sour to come on out.

Hilarity, and probably penis, will ensue.

If you're not that ambitious, video/audio tape all the illicit goings on, send it to the condo board and the cops, in an unmarked envelope with the address of the activity on the label.

[Loopydude]

::furiously scribbles down notes::

[silenus]

Invite a narc to dinner. Wait for kids to smoke in alley. refuse to lend SkankMom bail money.

[Good Egg]

Loop, here's whatcha do...


7. Fill her house with harmless smoke, setting off the smoke alarms.
.

Excuse me, not only is this dangerous but probably illegal. DO not do that.

[Cat Whisperer]

See, this is *exactly* why you have condo boards. If they can tell you what shade of white you can paint your front porch, they can tell Skankarella to not do many of the things she is doing. If you're willing to move anyway if things get too bad, I would make it my life mission to have her (legally) evicted from the condo complex.

[Hung Mung]

Blast some Deicide at 4:00 am. :p
Seconded.

[lieu]

Our first home a number of years back was a townhome that shared a bedroom wall with a neighboring unit. It was inhabited by, coincidentally, a divorced mom with two teenagers. The problem though lay strictly with some guy the mom was dating. He was, in short, a moaner and I'm pretty sure the muthafucker could cum for about four minutes straight judging by the symphonic groanings that would fill all of their bedroom and a fair portion of ours.

Every freakin' Saturday morning... "Mmmmmoooooooooooooooooaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhheeeeeeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa aiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnaaaaaaaaaaaaauuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuggggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhh hhhhhhhhiiiiiiiiiiyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyooooooooooooooooooooopppppppppppppppppppaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa aaa.............eeeeeerrrrrrfffffff!"

As bad as it was for us, it was her kids that I really felt sorry for.

[D_Odds]

Excuse me, not only is this dangerous but probably illegal. DO not do that.
So is smoking weed. Score tied 1 - 1.



















Yes, at least one of us realizes that there is a 98% chance buttonjockey308's post was in jest

[Loopydude]

See, this is *exactly* why you have condo boards. If they can tell you what shade of white you can paint your front porch, they can tell Skankarella to not do many of the things she is doing. If you're willing to move anyway if things get too bad, I would make it my life mission to have her (legally) evicted from the condo complex.

::evil grin::

[World Eater]

::evil grin::

Hell yeah, no way in hell I would be moving.

You should probably start reviewing such movies as War of the Roses and Duplex to formulate a battle plan. Just remember though, grinding her kids into pate and inviting her over for tea and crackers isn't neccessary.

[AskNott]

About the time she's going into wall-thumping passion, fire up your stereo with the US Marine Band playing John Phillip Sousa's Greatest Hits. Or maybe some tracks from Barney the Dinosaur. So-o-o-o-o romantic. How about The Sound of Music? "High on a hill was a lonely goatherd, yodel-ay-dee-odel-ay-dee-o-hee-hoo!"

[D_Odds]

Not necessary, World Eater, but I sure bet it would be satisfying. pun intended

[Lute Skywatcher]

About the time she's going into wall-thumping passion, fire up your stereo with the US Marine Band playing John Phillip Sousa's Greatest Hits. Or maybe some tracks from Barney the Dinosaur. So-o-o-o-o romantic. How about The Sound of Music? "High on a hill was a lonely goatherd, yodel-ay-dee-odel-ay-dee-o-hee-hoo!"Or Beethoven's Ninth.

[SusanStoHelit]

Or they could record the noisy neigbors goin' at it, wait 'till it happens again, then broadcast it through the wall.

[danceswithcats]

Or they could record the noisy neigbors goin' at it, wait 'till it happens again, then broadcast it through the wall.

Why not a parabolic microphone and broadcast her vociferous frictional fluid exchange sessions to the neighborhood? Let everyone share in the luvin'.

[Larry Mudd]

Or Beethoven's Ninth.Huh? I can see how Sousa, Barney, or The Sound of Music would put a damper on things, but I for one would not have the slightest difficulty getting my rocks off to Beethoven's Ninth. Seems almost made for it, in fact.

[SusanStoHelit]

Why not a parabolic microphone and broadcast her vociferous frictional fluid exchange sessions to the neighborhood? Let everyone share in the luvin'.

I thought about that, but there is probably some condo rule about noise levels. Loopydude needs to stay on the good side of the condo board.

Of course, he could just broadcast it through her walls 24/7 for a few days.

[Zebra]

I think you should just record them and play it back.

[Lute Skywatcher]

Huh? I can see how Sousa, Barney, or The Sound of Music would put a damper on things, but I for one would not have the slightest difficulty getting my rocks off to Beethoven's Ninth. Seems almost made for it, in fact.::hands Larry Mudd an orange which, when squeezed, does not yield juice but rather gears::

;)

[zagloba]

Loopydude needs to stay on the good side of the condo board.
Let's see ... 8 units -- how many members does the condo board have, anyway? In an association this small, complaining to the board isn't much different that organizing your neighbors -- assuming, of course, you haven't elected hairzilla to the board yet?

[Padeye]

Why not a parabolic microphone and broadcast her vociferous frictional fluid exchange sessions to the neighborhood? Let everyone share in the luvin'.Oh Frank, Kiss my hot lips! (http://us.imdb.com/title/tt0066026/quotes) It's been done.

[furt]

If I was another condo owner on the block, I'd be pretty pissed if you didn't bring the drug use up to the board. Losers like that threaten to bring down everyone's property value.

[irishgirl]

We have the delight of our neighbours putting their headboard against the wall OUR headboard is against.
They liked to have loud, obnoxious noisy sex at 4am.

WE liked to have loud, obnoxious noisy sex at 6am the same mornings ;)

They've stopped the 4am shagging, presumably realising how unpleasant it is to be woken from a sound sleep by sex noises, especially when you really don't want to get out of bed and go to the livingroom.

[Larry Borgia]

See, this is *exactly* why you have condo boards. If they can tell you what shade of white you can paint your front porch, they can tell Skankarella to not do many of the things she is doing. If you're willing to move anyway if things get too bad, I would make it my life mission to have her (legally) evicted from the condo complex.

On. The. Nose.

As furt says, she's bringing down the value for the whole place. I can't believe the condo board hasn't gone after her already. Try documenting as much as you can with the best AV equipment you can get. No need for illegal retaliation--fun and satisfying as it no doubt would be--when you can solve this problem legally.

Don't fear to get Johnny law involved, for her disturbing the peace, and for her kid's pot parties. Normally I'd say calling the man on someone smoking a little weed is the worst sort of obnoxious behaviour, but were not talking about a nice neighbor smoking a joint to unwind here. Any tactic to get rid of these pests would be justified IMO.

[lieu]

How about The Sound of Music? "High on a hill was a lonely goatherd, yodel-ay-dee-odel-ay-dee-o-hee-hoo!"Ever since I read this this morning I've had this fucking song running through my head, which probably speaks volumes as to it's detractive capabilities.

You are indeed a wise, if not evil, man.

[Giraffe]

Is anyone else trying to imagine the wording of a condo board rule against this kind of noise?

"Residents are not to vocalize their enjoyment of intimate physical activities at a volume of greater than 30 dB between the hours of 9pm and 7am or 40 dB between the hours of 7am and 9pm, except on weekends when the higher volume hours are extended to between 7am and 11pm. Commentary relating to acts deemed unusual by this board must be kept below 25 dB at all times, unless you are an exceedingly unattractive male, in which case such commentary is banned altogether."

It'll look good on the charter, I can tell you that.

[Loopydude]

All good advice...

I'm going to confront SkAngie directly with some of my, uh, concerns before taking the nuclear option. I figure it's fair, if only to give her the opportunity to tell me to kiss off, and hence seal the deal; and if she's sympathetic, a whole lot of nastyness is avoided, to the benefit of all.

Let's just say I've discovered my wife and I not alone in our dissatisfaction...heh heh hehhhh. I'll give her a reasonable, level-headed, uncombattive fair warning. After that, we put the hurt on...

[Cat Whisperer]

That's a great idea, Loopy. It's entirely possible that she isn't aware of how unpleasant her presence is for everyone around her, and she will clean up her act forthwith. Not likely, but certainly possible. Good call. Let us know how it all comes out.

[D_Odds]

Is anyone else trying to imagine the wording of a condo board rule against this kind of noise?

"Residents are not to vocalize their enjoyment of intimate physical activities at a volume of greater than 30 dB between the hours of 9pm and 7am or 40 dB between the hours of 7am and 9pm, except on weekends when the higher volume hours are extended to between 7am and 11pm. Commentary relating to acts deemed unusual by this board must be kept below 25 dB at all times, unless you are an exceedingly unattractive male, in which case such commentary is banned altogether."

It'll look good on the charter, I can tell you that.
If it's an exceeding attractive female with a sensual voice, can we give waivers, maybe even demand "no less than 35 dB"?

[Loopydude]

Is anyone else trying to imagine the wording of a condo board rule against this kind of noise?

"Residents are not to vocalize their enjoyment of intimate physical activities at a volume of greater than 30 dB between the hours of 9pm and 7am or 40 dB between the hours of 7am and 9pm, except on weekends when the higher volume hours are extended to between 7am and 11pm. Commentary relating to acts deemed unusual by this board must be kept below 25 dB at all times, unless you are an exceedingly unattractive male, in which case such commentary is banned altogether."

It'll look good on the charter, I can tell you that.

The reason this makes me laugh until tears flow is because our bylaws have noise restrictions that, no shit, would look uncannily similar if it weren't for the references to actual decibel levels and aesthetic concerns.

[SusanStoHelit]

Loopydude, please keep us posted on this. Even if the Skank turns out to be disappointly polite.

[Loopydude]

I must confess, I've been moved to perhaps an inordinate level of compassion, upon reflection and some purgative venting of the spleen. After all, the woman's own punk-ass kids call her a skank (in a manner so loud and public as to "disturb the peace" in what must surely be a legally actionable sense). I suppose it's just possible she's oblivious to he level of offense her day-to-day existance inflicts upon her neighbors. If so, I'm willing to forgive and forget. If not, I don the jackboots...

[Weirddave]

One time her kids were out front pounding loudly on the door and screaming "Mom, open the fucking door! MOM! Open the FUCKING DOOR YOU SKANK!"

Now I know what I'm going to do when I go home for Thanksgiving.

[buttonjockey308]

So is smoking weed. Score tied 1 - 1.



Yes, at least one of us realizes that there is a 98% chance buttonjockey308's post was in jest


Good eye D_Odds

[Otanx]

"OH! OH my GOD my ASS! OH MY FUCKING ASS! YEEAH!"


Next time you hear that just shout back "WOOOHOOOO!!! I'm masterbaiting like a motherfuck!"

That should slow em down for a little. If not you get a good laugh out of it anyway. Well I would

-Otanx