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bluecanary
10-20-2005, 06:13 PM
I think I've got it down to being one of three:

-> Toby Keith - 'Courtesy Of The Red, White and Blue'

-> Budget Girls - 'We're Tight'

and, by a neck the dubious honour of worst song I've ever heard:

-> Doctor Orange - 'Taco Taco Taco'

Admittedly, the first and third ones I downloaded after hearing how bad they were. The second one as on a lo-fi punk compilation. The singer can't and it has an entire verse about needing to "take a great big crap". Doctor Orange seemed to make his lyrics up as he went along--he stops and says "Oh crap" at one point, but the lyrical lowlight: "I eat tacos because I'm stupid and I, I like them".

Sage Rat
10-20-2005, 06:19 PM
I can't remember the name of the song, but the band was called The High Lows.* Their name was quit apt, as the entirety of the song seemed to be the main singer going from a bass "buuuh" to shrill yells "waaaaaah" for three minutes. If there was anything more to the song in terms of something like music, it escaped me.

Of course it was in the top five for a couple of weeks.

* Japanese

Eve
10-20-2005, 06:24 PM
I am still recovering from a youth that included the song Honey (http://www.webfitz.com/lyrics/Lyrics/1968/111968.html) by Bobby Goldsboro.

(Don't worry, the link does not contain a download, just the lyrics!)

Pensandfeathers
10-20-2005, 06:35 PM
"How Bizarre" - OMC

"Fly" - Sugar Ray

Just about anything of Sugar Ray's....but mostly that one.

priapus
10-20-2005, 06:37 PM
"They're Coming to Take Me Away" Napolean Bonaparte the 3rd

Evil One
10-20-2005, 06:40 PM
Muskrat Love-nauseating.

YWalker
10-20-2005, 06:48 PM
The Christmas Shoes (http://www.lyricsstyle.com/n/newsong/thechristmasshoes.html).

Nauseatingly emotionally manipulative Christmas dreck.

lorene
10-20-2005, 06:51 PM
I dare you. (http://www.bjsnowdenmusic.com/#Music)

Odesio
10-20-2005, 06:58 PM
You.
You got what I neee-eeed.
But you say he's just a friend.
But you say he's just a friend.




Marc

lissener
10-20-2005, 06:59 PM
You may not think this has a definitive answer.

But it does (http://www.ifilm.com/ifilmdetail/2678799).

Mr. Roboto
10-20-2005, 07:00 PM
"In the Summertime" (de de de de de) Mungo Jerry

When this song is played I want to rip yours and my ears off!

racer72
10-20-2005, 07:01 PM
Loving you by Minnie Ripperton. My flesh crawls when I here it.
Happiest girl in the whole USA by Donna Fargo. Puke, puke, puke...
Muskrat Love by the Carpenters. I HATE every song every done by them but this bit of drivel is the worst. Muskrats don't make squeaky noises when they screw, they shreak and make a bunch of noise.
We Are Family and I don't know or care who did it. We are not family, we are running away screaming when that crap is played. I left a Seattle Sonics game in the 2nd quarter after they played that shit for the third God damned time in 15 minutes.
Brand New Key by Melanie. Hey Cindy, (my younger sister that bought the 45 years ago) yeah, I broke your freeking record. Too damned bad. I don't feel sorry for it either.
And I would like to add every rap song every recorded. Rap is not music, it is crap. It makes my ears bleed. And anything by KC and the Sunshine Band. Pile of dog poop. And the Village People? I would rather get a root canal. And that twingy twanging country music. Ughh. Shania Twain looks hot but her music S.U.C.K.S.
I would rather listen to Lawrence Welk. I could go on, everyone from the Jackson 5 to Brittany Spears. Needless to say my music tastes follow a very narrow path but I am passionate about the music I do like.

asrivkin
10-20-2005, 07:02 PM
Havin' My Baby.

(though I hear it's a lovely way of showing Paul Anka how much you love him...)

Atreyu
10-20-2005, 07:04 PM
"I Will Always Love You" by Whitney Houston.

An affront to the ears, mind, and soul. It's the only song for which I ever turned off my hearing aids whenever it played.

silenus
10-20-2005, 07:07 PM
"They're Coming to Take Me Away" Napolean Bonaparte the 3rd

The B-side is worse. It's the A-side backwards. It can clear a bar in 15 seconds.

Miller
10-20-2005, 07:09 PM
The Scissor Sister's disco cover of "Comfortably Numb." <shudder>

drm
10-20-2005, 07:15 PM
Without question, Trapped in the Closet by R Kelly. Nothing even comes close to the suck that is this song.

zagloba
10-20-2005, 07:15 PM
My Heart Will Go On -- though just about any Celine Dion performance turns my stomach a bit.

bonzer
10-20-2005, 07:19 PM
My answer has the disadvantage that the song in question has (hopefully) never been recorded.
A few months back, I heard a singer perform one of her own compositions at an open mic event in Camden in north London. A composition she'd written on the bus to the pub. About writing a song on the bus to the pub where she would sing it.
Opinion was strongly divided amongst the listeners as to whether she was merely a spoof act or whether she was blithely unaware of how bad she was. I've since heard that the management took the latter view and has banned her from ever appearing again, even on similar occasions, on the grounds that she was so terrible.

It was so bad that it's unavailability ought not to be taken as a disadvantage.

lissener
10-20-2005, 07:21 PM
Without question, Trapped in the Closet by R Kelly. Nothing even comes close to the suck that is this song.
See? I told you.

Dr. Rieux
10-20-2005, 07:21 PM
"I've Never Been to Me"--Charlene

vivalostwages
10-20-2005, 07:32 PM
"Do they know it's Christmas."

dalej42
10-20-2005, 07:35 PM
I'm going to pick Benny the Bouncer by Emerson, Lake, and Palmer. It may not be the WORST song ever, but it completely ruins a great album like Brain Salad Surgery.

I gave Revolution 9 a pass because it was "part of the time."

Guinastasia
10-20-2005, 07:39 PM
Muskrat Love by the Carpenters. I HATE every song every done by them but this bit of drivel is the worst. Muskrats don't make squeaky noises when they screw, they shreak and make a bunch of noise.

Uh, "Muskrat Love" was sung by the Captain and Tenille (a truly horrific entity), not by the vastly superior Carpenter siblings.

"Birthday"-the Beatles. John, Paul, guys, I love you, I truly, truly do. But what the fuck was that shit?

Guinastasia
10-20-2005, 07:40 PM
Oh, and "God Bless the USA" by Lee Greenwood is a pretty ripe slice of hell.

Meeko
10-20-2005, 07:43 PM
The Christmas Shoes (http://www.lyricsstyle.com/n/newsong/thechristmasshoes.html).

Nauseatingly emotionally manipulative Christmas dreck.


My mom has the same Issue with that song. She told me about it one year... and talked about the "Syrupy Sweetness" of it.

I finally get around to hearing it. The next year.

I agree.

BUT.

The *plot* of the song is good. just HORRIBLY executed.

kaylasdad99
10-20-2005, 07:46 PM
Uh, "Muskrat Love" was sung by the Captain and Tenille (a truly horrific entity), not by the vastly superior Carpenter siblings.It was also recorded (first, IIRC) by America."Birthday"-the Beatles. John, Paul, guys, I love you, I truly, truly do. But what the fuck was that shit?It was the first song on side two of the White Album.

Duh.

"Last Kiss", and it doesn't matter whose recording.

Also "Teen Angel".

Hell with it. Any song about some teenager getting killed, and another teenager singing about it.

Mbossa
10-20-2005, 07:48 PM
"In The Club" by 50 Cent. Just horrible drudgery the whole way through.

deevee
10-20-2005, 07:52 PM
MacArthur Park. Someone left the cake out in the rain??

NAF1138
10-20-2005, 08:01 PM
"They're Coming to Take Me Away" Napolean Bonaparte the 3rd
Thats Napolean XIII, and the song is genius! Ok, maybe not, but it is an impressive display of technical mastery in the recording studio. Do you know how hard it is to do something like that, especially when all you have is analog tape to work with?

Its hard for me to pick a worst song because the truly bad I tend to love for the comedy of it, and the so bland they are awful tend to get forgotten. My favorite bad song that isn't intentionally funny is a toss up between Lil' Markie's diary of an unborn child, and Meet Virginia by Train. The first is a disturbingly honest atempt to prevent abortions, the second is the worst lyrical content I have ever heard.

HMS Irruncible
10-20-2005, 08:02 PM
Every now and then, the hip-hop scene produces something so incredibly inane that it makes Barney look like Sting. The latest offering is My Humps (http://www.mindspring.com/~toastcontrol/humps.mp3) by some evil group called the "Black-Eyed Peas".

The lyrics go like this:
"My humps, my humps my humps my humps, my humps my humps my humps, my lovely lady lumps".

What are the humps? You'll be shocked to hear it's tits and ass. I know, I know, complete lack of subtlety in hip-hop is the last thing I expected too. But wait, there's more:
"You don't want no drama. No No drama. No no no no drama."

Get it? Drama bad. We're strictly a romantic comedy shop.

And since this is hip-hop, there's got to be an opposite-sex holla-back:
"Put your milk with my cocoa puffs. Milky milky cocoa puffs."

Sweet jesus. And this is in heavy rotation. Has the whole music industry gone cuckoo?

I hate it so much that I have to listen to it twice a day just to get the earworm out of my head. Damn them for making it so catchy.

HMS Irruncible
10-20-2005, 08:04 PM
Oh, one more thing, never ever listen to "Hero" by Mariah Carey. Ever. Due to a horrible accident, I ended up having to explicate this song in 8 sessions of an ESL class. In fact, some of you may be able to name that disaster in 1 try...

Cisco
10-20-2005, 08:17 PM
Nice try, but none of you chumps have even come close yet. The worst song ever is, in fact, We Built This Starbucks on Heart and Soul (http://thestrangerlovelab.com/audio/jefferson_starbucks.mp3).

Sorry for ending your contest so soon.

Regallag_The_Axe
10-20-2005, 08:28 PM
"In The Club" by 50 Cent. Just horrible drudgery the whole way through.
I agree. Whenever I hear it, I want to kill someone. Preferably 50 cent, but if he's not around I'd be willing to lash out at onyone who seems to be enjoying it.

fruitbat
10-20-2005, 08:39 PM
I would like to nominate "Hell is for Children" as a darkhorse candidate. The normally reliable Pat Benatar created a lyrical and vocal monstrosity with that one. The only use for that song is to sing it over the Welch's grape juice commercials with the sickeningly sweet little kids pimping the juice.

Kilvert's Pagan
10-20-2005, 08:48 PM
Wow - where to start? Most of the really shitty music in my experience was in the 70's... the bleak counterpoint to a period of time that also created some really great music.

Some of the obvious nominees, just from that period (some already mentioned above):
Kung Fu Fighting
Seasons in the Sun
I Can Help
Havin' My Baby
Puppy Love
Billy, Don't Be a Hero
Hot Child in the City
Disco Duck
The Night Chicago Died
Copacabana
Chick-a-Boom
Hooked on a Feeling (the "hooga-chaka" version)
Torn Between Two Lovers

But I think the winner is a little more obscure: DOA by Bloodrock.

kevja
10-20-2005, 08:51 PM
"Mickey" by Toni Basil

Mr. Blue Sky
10-20-2005, 08:57 PM
Wow - where to start? Most of the really shitty music in my experience was in the 70's... the bleak counterpoint to a period of time that also created some really great music.
<snip>


What's amazing is that nearly all of these songs seem to appear on every 70s compilation you see. That means the writers and performers continue to profit from them.

There's a special level in hell waiting for Rick "Disco Duck" Dees. That song was bad enough (for the love of Og, it went to #1 and sold over 4 million copies!), but he went back to the well one time too many when he wrote "Dis-Gorilla".

Dung Beetle
10-20-2005, 08:58 PM
Kilvert's Pagan, I love all that shit! When I hear such dreck, I crank up the volume and listen with a big foolish grin. However...

When I hear "Playground in my Mind" by Clint Holmes, I crank up the volume and listen in sheer amazement that this piece of aural excrement was ever allowed to pollute the airwaves. My children's horrified shrieking of "Change it, Mom! Change it, I'm serious!" is only a marginal compensation.

Mr. Blue Sky
10-20-2005, 09:04 PM
Kilvert's Pagan, I love all that shit! When I hear such dreck, I crank up the volume and listen with a big foolish grin. However...

I grew up listening to all this stuff and I like it, too. I have a ton of the aforementioned 70s compilation CDs.

Thudlow Boink
10-20-2005, 09:09 PM
The other day I was in the grocery store and they played that "If you like pina coladas" song. Damn! In this day and age, does anyone still believe that people want to listen to that piece of crap? I'm surprised no one ran screaming out of th store!

Kilvert's Pagan
10-20-2005, 09:15 PM
What's amazing is that nearly all of these songs seem to appear on every 70s compilation you see. That means the writers and performers continue to profit from them.... or only their record company is. A lot of these were one-hit wonders by performers who probably sold their souls for their recording contract.

I've been reading Robert Fripp's online diary WAY too long to believe that the performers are seeing much money out of these.

marque elf
10-20-2005, 09:18 PM
I came here to mention both Honey and Seasons In The Sun, so i can only second those monstrosities. I'd like to mention also Yummy Yummy Yummy (I've Got Love In My Tummy) by the 1910 Fruit Gum Co. I have nightmares where this song is the soundtrack.

Dr. Rieux
10-20-2005, 09:22 PM
I came here to mention both Honey and Seasons In The Sun, so i can only second those monstrosities. I'd like to mention also Yummy Yummy Yummy (I've Got Love In My Tummy) by the 1910 Fruit Gum Co. I have nightmares where this song is the soundtrack.
Just to make you sicker, how about "Honey, Honey" by the Archies?
:D

Shirley Ujest
10-20-2005, 09:29 PM
Wow - where to start? Most of the really shitty music in my experience was in the 70's... the bleak counterpoint to a period of time that also created some really great music.

Some of the obvious nominees, just from that period (some already mentioned above):
Kung Fu Fighting
Copacabana



Her name was lola....she was a show girl..........

Everybody was kungfu fightin'


Awesome toe tappin' tunes!

Mr. Blue Sky
10-20-2005, 09:32 PM
Just to make you sicker, how about "Honey, Honey" by the Archies?
:D


Are you sure you don't mean "Sugar, Sugar"?

I was partial to "Jingle, Jangle".

Mr. Blue Sky
10-20-2005, 09:34 PM
... or only their record company is. A lot of these were one-hit wonders by performers who probably sold their souls for their recording contract.

I've been reading Robert Fripp's online diary WAY too long to believe that the performers are seeing much money out of these.

I know Norman Greenbaum has made a decent living for the last 35 years just his one hit wonder, "Spirit in the Sky".

What else does Fripp talk about?

AncientHumanoid
10-20-2005, 09:37 PM
From the first time I heard it, I hated Whitney Houston's cover of I Will Always Love You.

A string of repeated flat notes, belted out loudly. How she got so popular absolutely escapes me (ymmv, of course).

roger thornhill
10-20-2005, 09:39 PM
And the winner is:

We Are The World

by Not-the-Bandaid (forgotten if they ever gave themselves a name - wouldn't imagine they'd want to)

Mr. Blue Sky
10-20-2005, 09:41 PM
From the first time I heard it, I hated Whitney Houston's cover of I Will Always Love You.

A string of repeated flat notes, belted out loudly. How she got so popular absolutely escapes me (ymmv, of course).

Tell me about it. I saw an interview with Dolly Parton and she was asked what she thought about Whitney's slaughtering, uh, version of her classic song. Dolly kinda fumbled around the subject saying something about how she was glad it sold over 6 million copies. Ka-ching!

KJ
10-20-2005, 10:14 PM
I don't know if I can pinpoint the absolute worst song I've ever heard, but off the top of my head, the first thing that comes to my mind is Jan Hammer's "Oh Yeah." (Which is a shame, because he also did the soundtrack to Beyond the Mind's Eye, which I love.)

Poysyn
10-20-2005, 10:25 PM
There was this song, I think it was big in '98 or '99, and it was called Blue. I loathed this song, even more because it was repetitive enough that it got stuck in your head.

I worked at a popular nightclub in my area at the time and every night the DJ would send out "This special song to our special lady Poysyn, because she loves it so much."

UGH!

I can't remember the group, but it was a horrible, horrible song.

Mr. Blue Sky
10-20-2005, 10:28 PM
I don't know if I can pinpoint the absolute worst song I've ever heard, but off the top of my head, the first thing that comes to my mind is Jan Hammer's "Oh Yeah." (Which is a shame, because he also did the soundtrack to Beyond the Mind's Eye, which I love.)


Did it have a guy singing "Oh yeah" over and over again in a deep voice? That may have been Yello. That song was used in Ferris Bueller (amongst others).

astro
10-20-2005, 10:31 PM
Wow - where to start? Most of the really shitty music in my experience was in the 70's... the bleak counterpoint to a period of time that also created some really great music.

Some of the obvious nominees, just from that period (some already mentioned above):
Kung Fu Fighting

But... but... those kicks were fast as lightning! It fact it was a little bit frightening.

This one qualifies

Lil' Markie, live in concert! (http://blogfiles.wfmu.org/KF/0510/lilmarkie.mov) (Quicktime format)

Lime Jello
10-20-2005, 10:39 PM
Dear God, the earplugs do NOTHING! ! !

Some PAINFUL, PAINFUL songs listed here. Honorable mention out to Lil' Markie, and EVERYTHING in the list of Kilvert's Pagan.

However, the absolute WORST song is "Break my stride" by Matthew Wilder

http://www.80smusiclyrics.com/artists/matthewwilder.htm

(shudder) The horror. . . The HORROR! ! !

Sublight
10-20-2005, 10:45 PM
A co-worker was involved in a student film project back in college for which he wrote and perfromed one of the songs. It was inspired by a scene from the film Northwest Passage, in which a starving cavalry soldier kills an Abenaki indian, cuts off his head, then cooks and eats it. The song (which he sang for me yesterday) went something like this:

One night in bed
I told my wife I wanted head
"What kind should it be?"
"Roasted Abenaki."

Askance
10-20-2005, 11:29 PM
Some very worthy candidates so far (whoever first mentioned Honey, damn you to hell). But what of the song that spawned a group that formed the basis of the whole karaoke thing? And won the Eurovision song contest with it! I refer of course to Waterloo by Abba. I'm so confident of victory here that I won't even mention the dreck that followed Ring Ring, Mama Mia, Fernando, Money Money Money from the prolific pens of Bjorn and Benny.

Marley23
10-20-2005, 11:41 PM
I stand by my nomination in many similar conversations of Guns 'n' Roses covering "Knockin' on Heaven's Door." It's one thing to write a terrible song and play it badly; it's quite another to take a great one and butcher it to bloody shreds. And this goes on for much too long, too. This is the only song I've ever heard that I think should be legally considered a crime again humanity.

DoctorJ
10-20-2005, 11:46 PM
The last time we had Ralph Stanley doing a show for the music series I used to volunteer for, his band featured his son, Ralph II. Ralph II looked and sounded like the alcoholic frontman for the sort of third-tier country bar band that isn't even worth chucking a beer bottle at, but he led more than half the show.

At one point, Ralph Sr. rambled on for what seemed like five minutes about how beautiful Ralph II's upcoming song was, how it was the most beautiful song he'd ever heard, he cried when he first heard it, etc. Then Ralph II proceeded to give us "Daddy Took His Dinner Bucket Through the Gates of Heaven". The audience sat politely. The volunteers, all music nerds, just looked at each other like there was some huge joke we weren't getting. We were unanimous that it was, by a longshot, the worst song any of us had ever heard.

I have still not heard its equal, and that was five years ago.

Good Egg
10-20-2005, 11:50 PM
But I think the winner is a little more obscure: DOA by Bloodrock.

AHHHHHHHhhhhhhh :eek:

Snooooopy
10-20-2005, 11:50 PM
However, the absolute WORST song is "Break my stride" by Matthew Wilder

http://www.80smusiclyrics.com/artists/matthewwilder.htm

(shudder) The horror. . . The HORROR! ! !

Well, the next time you hear that song, don't stick around ... you got to keep on MOVIN'!!!!!

Sierra Indigo
10-20-2005, 11:50 PM
Perhaps not the worst songs ever (and we've had some doozies) but that bloody "Doncha" song, as well as "Cater to You" (Destiny's Child) are both up on my hate-list right now.

Good Egg
10-20-2005, 11:51 PM
Muskrats don't make squeaky noises when they screw, they shreak and make a bunch of noise.
You oughta know

Good Egg
10-20-2005, 11:55 PM
Some have popped into my mind.
Pillow talk
Anything by Motley Crue
Happy Birthday
Afternoon Delight

rippingtons_fan
10-20-2005, 11:56 PM
"Hurray for Santy Claus!!!" by Milton DeLugg and His Little Eskimos.
The played it at least THREE TIMES in the movie Santa Claus Conquers the Martians . (This movie was also the first starring role for Pia Zadora.)

Pixiesnix
10-21-2005, 12:15 AM
Without doubt, without question, it is It's Halloween by the Shaggs. Those girls had literally minutes of training on their instruments. And their voices sound like kindergarteners on about 12 quarts of Robitussin.

Hung Mung
10-21-2005, 01:58 AM
Either the "Barbie World" song or "Cotton-Eyed Joe" by Rednex. As if bad American folk music needed to be remade by stoned Euro trash.

KJ
10-21-2005, 02:05 AM
Did it have a guy singing "Oh yeah" over and over again in a deep voice? That may have been Yello. That song was used in Ferris Bueller (amongst others).
That's the one (otherwise known as the "Duff Man song.") It would seem as though Jan Hammer's 1976 album "Oh yeah?" is unrelated. That's what I get for downloading MP3s, I guess; more often than not the song title and/or artist information is wrong. :smack:

I'll second "Diary of an Unborn Child (http://www.showandtellmusic.com/pages/galleries/gallery_l/lilmarkie.html)" by Lil' Markie as a song that's so bad it ends up being funny. (Originally linked from this thread (http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=263618).)

Scissorjack
10-21-2005, 02:26 AM
I'd like to mention also Yummy Yummy Yummy (I've Got Love In My Tummy) by the 1910 Fruit Gum Co. I have nightmares where this song is the soundtrack.

That was what Homer was singing along to when Neil Armstrong first walked on the moon and Abe Simpson stood in front of the TV and saluted with tears in his eyes.

Moonchild
10-21-2005, 03:14 AM
Whoever mentioned "Playground of My Mind" gets my vote (serious shuddering -- and I usually take a guilty pleasure in listening to that AM 70's stuff).

But let's not end this contest just yet without considering the whiny drivel of Stevie Wonder's "I Just Called to Say I Love You." If there was ever a reason a blind man deserved to get his ass kicked it was Stevie for this creating song (and I mean it from the bottom of my heart!).

priapus
10-21-2005, 04:34 AM
Whoever mentioned "Playground of My Mind" gets my vote (serious shuddering -- and I usually take a guilty pleasure in listening to that AM 70's stuff).

But let's not end this contest just yet without considering the whiny drivel of Stevie Wonder's "I Just Called to Say I Love You." If there was ever a reason a blind man deserved to get his ass kicked it was Stevie for this creating song (and I mean it from the bottom of my heart!).
Let's just say little Stevie had a bad case of P.W. when writing this song

bluecanary
10-21-2005, 04:57 AM
There was this song, I think it was big in '98 or '99, and it was called Blue

...

I can't remember the group, but it was a horrible, horrible song.

It was Eiffel 65. They were a one hit wonder here in Britain with that song.


Some of the better known songs than the ones in my OP that I think deserve to be on this list:

Texas featuring Kardinal Offishall - Carnival Girl
This was actually a hit; I couldn't believe how bad it was. It's a lift-music cover of 'Caravan Of Love' (not exactly a pinnacle of musical brilliance itself), but with "Caravan" changed to "Carnival". And it's got rapping on it that would have sounded dated 10 years previous.

Fast Food Rockers - Fast Food Song
You know that daft chant about "Kentucky fried chicken and a pizza hut"? They actually made a pop song out of it! And it got to number two in the charts!

Hampenburg - Duck Toy
A Danish dance song with noises from a squeaky duck toy in it.

Liberal
10-21-2005, 05:17 AM
To anyone who might get this abomination of a song stuck in their heads, my apology in advance:

Raindrops Keep Falling on My Head

gouda
10-21-2005, 05:22 AM
Worst. Song. Evar.

Cheeky Song (Touch My Bum), by the Cheeky Girls.

Ooh boys cheeky girls
Ooh girls cheeky boys
Ooh boys cheeky girls
Ooh girls cheeky boys
Ooh boys cheeky girls
Ooh girls cheeky boys
Ooh boys cheeky girls
Ooh girls cheeky boys

I never ever ask where do you go
I never ever ask what do you do
I never ever ask what’s in your mind
I never ever ask if you’ll be mine
Come and smile don’t be shy
Touch my bum this is life.

Oooooh

We are the cheeky girls
We are the cheeky girls
You are the cheeky boys
You are the cheeky boys
We are the cheeky girls
We are the cheeky girls
You are the cheeky boys
You are the cheeky boys

Hhmm cheeky cheeky
(laughter)

Cheekycheekycheeky


Wash. Rinse. Repeat.

Carm6773
10-21-2005, 05:41 AM
Many years ago there was a board on AOL called Worst Songs Ever. Most of the songs listed here were mentioned there, along with
Piggies by the Beatles
In A Gadda Da Vida by ???.

I have to admit, l ike Toby Keith's Courtesy of the Red, White, and Blue (the Angry American), then again I like Toby. ;)

My nomination for the worst song I've ever heard is a piece of crap called Over and Over. Nelly rapping over a piece sung by Tim McGraw. :smack:
Dear God, Faith Hill should have talked him out of it.

Annie-Xmas
10-21-2005, 07:42 AM
Some very worthy candidates so far (whoever first mentioned Honey, damn you to hell). But what of the song that spawned a group that formed the basis of the whole karaoke thing? And won the Eurovision song contest with it! I refer of course to Waterloo by Abba. I'm so confident of victory here that I won't even mention the dreck that followed Ring Ring, Mama Mia, Fernando, Money Money Money from the prolific pens of Bjorn and Benny.

Some early ABBA is bad. I'm one of their biggest fans, and even I admit it. Throw in the disco era, and it is painful.

But that is nothing compared to Debby Boone's cover of Chiquitita, a song that was retched to begin with. It was the B-side of "You Light Up My Life," which means it sold millions of copies, and B&B got massive royalties from it. The combination of ABBA's song and Boone's voice is unimaginable.

Mr. Blue Sky
10-21-2005, 08:08 AM
In A Gadda Da Vida by ???.


Iron Butterfly

ddgryphon
10-21-2005, 08:16 AM
I don't have time to go through all the posts, but I'll give you my short list of things I've actually heard on the radio that are just gawd-awful:

Satin Sheets
Behind Closed Doors
Achy-Breaky Heart


I know it is unfair to pick on country, because it is actually easier to write something really annoying in that style (for your consideration: Sally G)

However some of the worst stuff I've ever heard were selections from Dr. Demento's Audio Torture Chamber -- one was a group of children screaming (actually it makes a good case for demonic possession).

But nearly every artists has produced at least one screaming stinker -- some however make it their life's work (for your consideration: Sid Viscious).

One And Only Wanderers
10-21-2005, 08:29 AM
Surely it has to be anything on the Crazy Frog album, or maybe Mr Blobby. Hell let's just say any novelty drivel for kids.

Bob Scene
10-21-2005, 08:52 AM
Nice try, but none of you chumps have even come close yet. The worst song ever is, in fact, We Built This Starbucks on Heart and Soul (http://thestrangerlovelab.com/audio/jefferson_starbucks.mp3).

Sorry for ending your contest so soon.

When I started reading this thread, the worst song I had ever heard was the overproduced orchestral disco version of the "I Love Lucy" theme song that had no lyrics except for a chorus of people singing the phrase "Disco Lucy" over and over again. But before I had a chance to post that, I downloaded the song from Cisco's link. Much worse. We Built This Starbucks is bad in ways I've never been exposed to before.

poeticyde
10-21-2005, 08:57 AM
It was Eiffel 65. They were a one hit wonder here in Britain with that song.


/delurk

Ah yes, "I'm Blue, ah boo dee ah boo die"...

My wife and I used to frequent a gay club with a friend of ours (who often performed in the drag shows), and I asked him why they always played that song.

He smiled and said that it was because the mumbling "ah boo dee ah boo die" sounded like "I'm in need of a guy"...and damn it, to this day, that's all I hear whenever that song (infrequently) gets played!

/lurk

Shirley Ujest
10-21-2005, 09:12 AM
Some very worthy candidates so far (whoever first mentioned Honey, damn you to hell). But what of the song that spawned a group that formed the basis of the whole karaoke thing? And won the Eurovision song contest with it! I refer of course to Waterloo by Abba. I'm so confident of victory here that I won't even mention the dreck that followed Ring Ring, Mama Mia, Fernando, Money Money Money from the prolific pens of Bjorn and Benny.


I stand and applaud you for your bold stance that ABBA can be anything other than utter shite. Telling this to ABBA fans is a waste of breath.

I have never understood the ABBA sensation.

Mr. Blue Sky
10-21-2005, 09:18 AM
I stand and applaud you for your bold stance that ABBA can be anything other than utter shite. Telling this to ABBA fans is a waste of breath.

I have never understood the ABBA sensation.


As an ABBA fan, I understand your confusion.

Best way I can describe it is that I like well-crafted pop tunes with catchy hooks. ABBA has that in spades. Plus, Agnetha is hot!

Amongst their admirers are Bono and Elvis Costello (which shocked me more than you know).

Blackclaw
10-21-2005, 09:26 AM
The White Stripes have some song that starts with something like

"I've been think about my love bell, when you gonna ring it? When you gonna ring it?"

I cannot say if its the worst song ever, because I've successfully managed to destroy whatever sound device is emitting the song within the first ten seconds of it being played.

Perhaps the song develops into a beautiful composition that would make Beethoven weep with joy. I don't know.

But that first lyric line makes my ears bleed.

Cazzle
10-21-2005, 09:34 AM
Achy Breaky Heart by Billy Ray Cyrus.

Although Born To Be Alive by Patrick Hernandez is riiiiight up there.

Snickers
10-21-2005, 10:05 AM
Wow. I'm really regretting clicking on that My Humps link (provided earlier). That's some bad shit, yo.

The Unkempt One
10-21-2005, 10:18 AM
I'm So Glad, by Cream

I'm so glad
I'm so glad
I'm glad, I'm glad, I'mmmmmmm glad!

I love Cream, but every time I hear this song I lose a little bit of my soul...

Dung Beetle
10-21-2005, 10:25 AM
And the winner is:

We Are The World

by Not-the-Bandaid (forgotten if they ever gave themselves a name - wouldn't imagine they'd want to)
USA for Africa.

Mr. Blue Sky, you and I would get along just fine!

Marley23
10-21-2005, 11:50 AM
I'm So Glad, by Cream

I'm so glad
I'm so glad
I'm glad, I'm glad, I'mmmmmmm glad!
It's a Skip James song, actually.

Mr. Blue Sky
10-21-2005, 12:01 PM
It's a Skip James song, actually.


I'm glad to know that.

Rube E. Tewesday
10-21-2005, 12:02 PM
"Coward of the County", by Kenny Rogers. And now the damn thing is in my head, and I will cry for the rest of the afternoon.

interface2x
10-21-2005, 12:09 PM
"We like to party" by the Venga Boys is the musical equivalent of a crying baby to me. Just make it stop!

kelly5078
10-21-2005, 12:20 PM
Anything Blood, Sweat and Tears song sung by David Clayton Thomas (that's all of them after the first album, which he wasn't on). The worst may be his butchering of "Sympathy for the Devil."

After DCT/BST, the worst song I've ever heard is "Green Tamborine," by the Lemon Pipers. Worse, even, than "Honey."

Mr. Blue Sky
10-21-2005, 12:23 PM
"Coward of the County", by Kenny Rogers. And now the damn thing is in my head, and I will cry for the rest of the afternoon.

...and this is the worst line:


One day while he was workin' the Gatlin boys came callin'.
They took turns at Becky.... There we're three of them!


It's clunky, poorly written, and delivered like an afterthought.

panamajack
10-21-2005, 01:01 PM
I think "Timothy", hopefully the only serious cannabalism song there is, deserves some recognition.

Even the singer wanted to forget the whole thing.

Rube E. Tewesday
10-21-2005, 01:04 PM
...and this is the worst line:



It's clunky, poorly written, and delivered like an afterthought.

Yeah, the horror of a gang rape is breezed over, to get to the glory of a guy showing he's not afraid of a bar fight.

I must say, though, that on reflection, the Kenny Rogers version of that song may not be as bad as the cover by ....the Chipmunks.. although at least that master showman Alvin had the sense to turn the rape into a beating of the coward's buddy.

Ooner
10-21-2005, 01:08 PM
Nice try, but none of you chumps have even come close yet. The worst song ever is, in fact, We Built This Starbucks on Heart and Soul (http://thestrangerlovelab.com/audio/jefferson_starbucks.mp3).

Sorry for ending your contest so soon.

This is so so great. I work at *$ and this is hilarious. I'm letting everybody I work with know about it.

Kent Clark
10-21-2005, 01:38 PM
To be "truly the worst" a song would have to be both poorly conceived and poorly executed. Most of the tripe listed here may be one or the other, but not both.

KCSuze has a real competitor with the Shaggs.

For me, the answer is simple: Louie Louie by the Kingsmen. Indecipherable lyrics, poorly sung, with ameturish accompaniement and 5th-rate production standards.

And it was dirty!

nvad
10-21-2005, 01:47 PM
I love you...
You love me...

pulykamell
10-21-2005, 01:51 PM
Some very worthy candidates so far (whoever first mentioned Honey, damn you to hell). But what of the song that spawned a group that formed the basis of the whole karaoke thing? And won the Eurovision song contest with it! I refer of course to Waterloo by Abba. I'm so confident of victory here that I won't even mention the dreck that followed Ring Ring, Mama Mia, Fernando, Money Money Money from the prolific pens of Bjorn and Benny.

Nah, you lose. Abba was a fantastic pop band. Great hooky melodies, fun harmonies, dancy tunes... What more do you want from pop music. They should be the very blueprint for good pop songwriting.

Anyhow, my submission, actually, I'll give you an entire album:

Attilla (http://www.allmusic.com/cg/amg.dll?p=amg&token=ADFEAEE4791FDE48A47F20D4823E53C0BA60F900FE4BF59A1321435992B63E4591037DAD4CFF9981B0FA6AB678B0FD 2EA45F43D1C0EA5EF6DF6F2D5DF0&sql=10:bmfnzfohehpk), Billy Joel's unbelievingly embarassing attempt at prog rock (before he found his voice as a rather vanilla pop singer with some decent tunes.) Read the review. I cannot do this record justice.

pulykamell
10-21-2005, 01:52 PM
A snippet of the review, for those too lazy to click on it:


Many critics, fans, and college students have spent hours debating the serious question of what the worst album in the history of rock actually is. One listen to Attila would provide them with a definitive answer. Attila undoubtedly is the worst album released in the history of rock & roll — hell, the history of recorded music itself. There have been many bad ideas in rock, but none match the colossal stupidity of Attila. There's a reason why they're the only heavy rock organ-and-drums duo in the history of rock & roll — it's an atrocious combination

jackelope
10-21-2005, 02:05 PM
The White Stripes have some song that starts with something like

"I've been think about my love bell, when you gonna ring it? When you gonna ring it?"It's "doorbell." He's hoping the girl will come see him. I like it, but then I like the White Stripes, so I'm biased.

I'd like to point out in general that mere bad lyrics don't make a song bad; the chief skill required of a pop singer is the ability to sing the most inane, trite, stupid lyrics as if no one had ever felt this way before. You can write down the lyrics to pretty much any song and they'll at least lose their oomph, if not sound completely lame.

However...

deevee is correct. "MacArthur Park" is the worst goddam song ever perpetrated upon the ears of humanity.

The lyrics (http://www.popculturemadness.com/Music/Lyrics/Macarthur.html) go way, WAY beyond "trite" or "inane" into the realms of "inconceivably stupid." These lyrics are so stupid they're cruel.

The music (on the version I've heard) sounds like it was written by a committee--of Commodore 64s. I think the entire string section must have gotten carpal tunnel from the overemoting required of them.

And the melody... Dear god, the melody... The melody is of such hyperdriven, cloying sentimentality as to make Rod McKuen claw out his own eardrums. And Kurt Weill still wouldn't even bother trying to fix what's left over.

And now, thanks to this thread, I'm going to be singing it all day.

Kyla
10-21-2005, 02:35 PM
Okay, help me out here. Maybe three or four years ago there was an inexplicable hit with incredibly bad lyrics...I want to say it was "Summer Girls"? There was a line in there about how "Chinese food gives me gas" or something like that.

I vote for that song.

vivalostwages
10-21-2005, 02:43 PM
From the first time I heard it, I hated Whitney Houston's cover of I Will Always Love You.

A string of repeated flat notes, belted out loudly. How she got so popular absolutely escapes me (ymmv, of course).

"AndeyeIIIIIIIIIIeeeeeeeYiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii hhhhwhilllll always love youououououuwoowooou...."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

When "Break my Stride" started playing the other day in Smart & Final, I said to myself, "Thank goodness I'm in the checkout line and almost out the door."

F. U. Shakespeare
10-21-2005, 02:46 PM
I've never cared for Cream's version of "I'm So Glad" either. The original is much better, if you like scratchy old vinyl recordings.

FWIW, the guy who wrote it (Mississippi bluesman Skip James), hated Cream's version. His wife didn't even think it was the same song.

I'm So Glad, by Cream

I'm so glad
I'm so glad
I'm glad, I'm glad, I'mmmmmmm glad!

I love Cream, but every time I hear this song I lose a little bit of my soul...

Gangster Octopus
10-21-2005, 02:59 PM
Mmmmm Mmmmm Mmmmm by the Crash Test Dummies is banned by most international treaties and has been deemed too cruel for POWs by the Geneva Convention.

Marley23
10-21-2005, 03:06 PM
FWIW, the guy who wrote it (Mississippi bluesman Skip James), hated Cream's version. His wife didn't even think it was the same song.
James died before Cream recorded the song. I have heard that his wife didn't recognize the song, but was plenty glad for the royalty check.

ColonelDax
10-21-2005, 03:27 PM
A vote here for "Paralyzed" by the Legendary Stardust Cowboy, with none other than T-Bone Burnett on drums. Must be heard to be believed.

rowrrbazzle
10-21-2005, 03:27 PM
"Fluffy", sung by Gloria Balsam. "Heeeeere, Fluffy, where are you, where aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaare you?"

iluvurmom
10-21-2005, 03:27 PM
Without question, Trapped in the Closet by R Kelly. Nothing even comes close to the suck that is this song.

And the video was even more nauseating. He makes my skin crawl. Was there ANY hook to that song? :wally

eleanorigby
10-21-2005, 03:45 PM
No votes for "Mandy" by Barry Manilow?

I am shocked.

Muskrat Love is up there, along with Don't It Make My Brown Eyes Blue, anything by Kicky Dee (or however you spell it). How about "Ebony and Ivory" or "In the Ghetto" bu Elvis, no less?

"Coming to America" by Neil Diamond is rank.

Most things by Celine Dion--including that motorcycle video and the Titanic song.

"Carrion" by someone or other (some kind of rock band, early '90's).

ANY rap--and most hip-hop--what IS that shit?


Gah-now have a head full of Seasons of the Sun and Uncle Joe eating cake in the rain or whatever. Need major brain cleansing!

nvad
10-21-2005, 03:51 PM
"Coming to America" by Neil Diamond is rank.

Ugh...the Neil Diamond reference just dragged "Heartlight" out of that cold, dark part of my mind that I hate to visit. Bleccchhhhhh.

AncientHumanoid
10-21-2005, 03:54 PM
No votes for "Mandy" by Barry Manilow?

I am shocked.



But, but... she came and she gave without taking!








I like to kareoke that when totally shit faced drunk. Just make up lyrics, have the audience sing along, and break into "AndeyeIIIIIIIIIIeeeeeeeYiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii hhhhwhilllll always love youououououuwoowooou...." * sometime near the end when people are starting to get sick of your drunk ass.

Ah yes, I loves me those county fairs...






* as demonstrated so well by Viva Los Twages :D

Leaffan
10-21-2005, 03:56 PM
Never Surrender - Cory Hart
I want to Know What Love is - Foreigner
Jack and Diane - John Cougar (before he was Mellencamp)
Old Time Rock and Roll - Bob Seger
Emotional Rescue - Stones

To name a few.......

Mr. Blue Sky
10-21-2005, 03:56 PM
But, but... she came and she gave without taking!

Yeah, but he sent her away (for obvious reasons).

Kizarvexius
10-21-2005, 04:00 PM
Anything sung by Neil Diamond. Anything. Personally, I think he's a pretty good songwriter. But I'd rather be disembowled with a weedeater than listen to him sing.

That really annoying Can't Take My Eyes Off Of You song. Ye gods, I hate that one.

jsc1953
10-21-2005, 04:05 PM
At least half a dozen of the songs mentioned so far are on my i-tunes playlist. I squandered good moral capital stealing them off Napster, too. No, I won't say which ones.

Nobody's mentioned "In the Year 2525"? Unbelievable.

lissener
10-21-2005, 04:08 PM
KCSuze has a real competitor with the Shaggs.
Yeah, but the Shaggs induce a kind of eye-watering awe with the sheer greatness of their badness. I actually listen to the Shaggs from time to time. It's like eating a really hot meal (a really REALLY hot meal), or watching a gory Italian horror movie; it's some cleansing, cathartic, in the way it takes you out of real life into, almost, a different plane of existence, or something. The way leftist politics, taken to its extreme, become rightist extremism, the Shaggs achieved a unique greatness whose like we shall never see again. If we're lucky.

lissener
10-21-2005, 04:11 PM
Must perview.

. . . it's somehow cleansing . . .

Mr. Blue Sky
10-21-2005, 04:11 PM
Nobody's mentioned "In the Year 2525"? Unbelievable.


We were TRYING to suppress that memory.

Thanks a lot.

yellowval
10-21-2005, 04:25 PM
-> Toby Keith - 'Courtesy Of The Red, White and Blue'


You definitely got it right with this one. This song makes my ears bleed.

But, since you've already named my pick, I'll throw in a few more: "Cheeseburger in Paradise" and "Why Don't We Get Drunk & Screw," courtesy of Jimmy Buffet; and "Daddy, Please Don't Get Drunk This Christmas," which I've heard sung by John Denver (Was there someone else first, or do I have to blame it on him?).

Flipstrip
10-21-2005, 05:06 PM
What, no mention of "Whirly Girl" by Oxo?

The worst for me was "Dear Mr. Jesus" by Carolyn Batts (sp?). A exploitative and glurge-y song that was popular around Xmas of '87 or '88. Sung by a little girl about how her Daddy beats her and please don't let it happen again, Mr. Jesus. Then the stinger -- her Mommy beats her, too!

One of our local radio stations had the "Top 8 at 8" and EVERY SINGLE NIGHT that song would be number one. And thanks to its overwhelming positive listener response, that insured it got played plenty during the day too. (And when a song was that popular on one station, then of course the other stations had to play it relentlessly too.)

Later on, when I interned for a summer at the "Top 8 at 8" station, I found out that every single DJ who worked there despised that song and longed to come after Carolyn Batts with a baseball bat for recording it. (Fortunately, its popularity didn't seem to last longer than that one season, so we were spared future assaults.)

mojave66
10-21-2005, 05:19 PM
Red Sovine's "Teddy Bear"-- it's got it all. No melody, just a sobbing voice over treacly music. Recorded in the '70s. Has a crippled kid and heroic truckers (not that they aren't IRL). And best of all, CB slang! All combined in one syrupy sweet, heart-tugging, steaming pile.

If that doesn't bother you, then Rod Hart's "WTF was that?" stereotype of a gay man picking up truckers on "CB Savage" certainly will.

Wakinyan
10-21-2005, 05:47 PM
We built this city -- Jefferson Starship.

Jesus Christ, it's the most god awful song ever made; I get some serious Jack the Ripper urge when hear this cursed shite from Pleasantville hell. Now when I got this bad butter in my brain I won't sleep tonight. How the m+th+rf+ck+ng hell do they dare take the expression "rock'n'roll" in their rotten lipstick mouths? Hit me hard with The Ramones now or I get out to look for somebody.

Yes, it makes me sick in my brain, I hate it. Usually I like people, but this one is like George W. Bush in your underpants, I just got to get it out before I get homicidal or suicidal or whatever it takes to get poison out of the ecological system.

Now I'm gonna shuffle on Lyndon Kwesi Johnson, Led Zeppelin, Blue Öyster Cult and whatever beating it takes to get me cool, before I hang back with Cypress Hill and perhaps Dean Martin when the sun goes up to get me smiling again.

Sorry for the rant, I got upset. Wish me luck.

marque elf
10-21-2005, 05:57 PM
Another deathless "gem" :rolleyes: from the 1960s was a piece of songcraft called Those Were The Days, My Friend by Mary somebody or other. Memory has kindly obscured her last name but not the song. It was a kind of rock polka and drinking song. We were supposed to picture a lot of people doing some serious quaffing as they sang this monstrosity. It included a chorus for the ages:

Those were the days, my friend.
We thought they'd never end.
We'd sing and dance
Forever and a day.
we'd something something ooze
We'd fight and never lose.
Those were the days. Oh, yes.
Those were the days.

This song made me yearn to hear Richard Harris sing about cakes melting in the rain or to suddenly go deaf. It's so awful that even oldies stations rarely play it (and they have no shame, damn their blackened little souls).

anu-la1979
10-21-2005, 06:08 PM
MEATLOAF

most particularly "I would do anything for love (but I won't do that)" and "Objects in the rearview mirror"

SCREEEEAAAAAAMMMMMMMM!

Dr. Rieux
10-21-2005, 06:30 PM
Red Sovine's "Teddy Bear"-- it's got it all. No melody, just a sobbing voice over treacly music. Recorded in the '70s. Has a crippled kid and heroic truckers (not that they aren't IRL). And best of all, CB slang! All combined in one syrupy sweet, heart-tugging, steaming pile.

If that doesn't bother you, then Rod Hart's "WTF was that?" stereotype of a gay man picking up truckers on "CB Savage" certainly will.
Does anyone else remember "The Ballad of Ben Gay" from 1973? It included such goddies as:

"You should have seen the way they looked,
Their faces all turned pale,
Each time i took my brush out
And ratted my horse's tail.
I thought it looked just darling!"

and

"Okay fellas, play the bridge!"
[guitar plays the bridge from (IIRC) "Folsom Prison Blues]
"Not that kind of bridge, you silly savages--you want Ben Gay all over you?"

All sung in a stereotypical lisping manner.

Guinastasia
10-21-2005, 06:51 PM
Lil' Markie's diary of an unborn child,

Is that the one with the fetus singing "Why did you kill me Mommy?" Because that had the exact opposite effect on me of what was intended. I'd abort that little shit as soon as the stick turned blue.


Let's just say little Stevie had a bad case of P.W. when writing this song


P.W.?



I think "Timothy", hopefully the only serious cannabalism song there is, deserves some recognition.



What? Cannabalism?



"We Built This City" is just depressing, when you think of "White Rabbit" and "Today". Grace should have stuck with the drugs.

Marley23
10-21-2005, 06:53 PM
While I haven't actually heard their stuff, I'd like give an honorary nod to the work of Prussian Blue.

Kilvert's Pagan
10-21-2005, 07:03 PM
Another deathless "gem" :rolleyes: from the 1960s was a piece of songcraft called Those Were The Days, My Friend by Mary somebody or other. Memory has kindly obscured her last name but not the song. It was a kind of rock polka and drinking song. We were supposed to picture a lot of people doing some serious quaffing as they sang this monstrosity. It included a chorus for the ages:

Those were the days, my friend.
We thought they'd never end.
We'd sing and dance
Forever and a day.
we'd something something ooze
We'd fight and never lose.
Those were the days. Oh, yes.
Those were the days.

This song made me yearn to hear Richard Harris sing about cakes melting in the rain or to suddenly go deaf. It's so awful that even oldies stations rarely play it (and they have no shame, damn their blackened little souls).
Mary Hopkins, with the firm backing of Paul McCartney.That should have tipped us off as to the level of pablum he'd pen in the 70's.

OK, sports fans, I've got another one that wasn't from the 70's this time... I can't remember the group, but the guy would sing (and I use the term loosely)"I'm a man" over and over while the woman would alternate between all of her Sybil-like roles...


I'm a man
I'm a bitch
I'm a man
I'm a tease
I'm a man
I'm a whore
I'm a man
I'm a little girl

etc......... i think this was from the early 80's.

And I haven't seen Ebony and Ivory on the list yet. Urg.

mamboman
10-21-2005, 07:21 PM
My worst comes from that insidious, invidious, merciless and cruel subgenre of music - gym music. You know that omnipresent, pulsing soundtrack that assaults you in the on workout days you are unfortunate enough to forget your Walkperson? I don't know the title of the song but it came courtesy of a a girl with a beach-ball hair dye job (the video clip was playing) as she screeeched

"I... hate... you... so....much....right...now.... auuuuuuuugh! I.... hate... you..... (you get where its going)". It gave me ear cancer there and then.

The worst song I have the actual dishonour of having paid money to own is "Wrinkles" by sometime Beach Boy Mike Love. A "boy and his dead-dog song". Need I say more?

mm

Cisco
10-21-2005, 07:31 PM
When I started reading this thread, the worst song I had ever heard was the overproduced orchestral disco version of the "I Love Lucy" theme song that had no lyrics except for a chorus of people singing the phrase "Disco Lucy" over and over again. But before I had a chance to post that, I downloaded the song from Cisco's link. Much worse. We Built This Starbucks is bad in ways I've never been exposed to before.
I'm telling you: the people who are still talking about Kenny Rogers and Iron Butterfly and The White Stripes, and especially this guy: To be "truly the worst" a song would have to be both poorly conceived and poorly executed. Most of the tripe listed here may be one or the other, but not both. did not click the link.

eleanorigby
10-21-2005, 07:57 PM
Kilvert is not paying attention-I mentioned E and I a ways back. Thanks for bringing it up, again. :)

"Butterfly Kisses"--some wretched father/daughter vaguely incestous smarmy ballad from a few years ago.


"Your Kiss Is On My List" by that duo in the '80's--I used to turn off my Walkman when that came on.


"Wildfire"

and "Mandy" as about a dog, no? I mean a real canine, not an aspersion on Barry's taste in women (gah!).

Blech.

marque elf
10-21-2005, 08:00 PM
I'm a man
I'm a bitch
I'm a man
I'm a tease
I'm a man
I'm a whore
I'm a man
I'm a little girl

etc......... i think this was from the early 80's.


The Group was Berlin. The song's title is Sex ( I'ma...)

Mr. Blue Sky
10-21-2005, 08:02 PM
and "Mandy" as about a dog, no? I mean a real canine, not an aspersion on Barry's taste in women (gah!).

Blech.

"Mandy" was originally called "Brandy", but was changed so as not to be confused with the song about the girl waiting for her sailorman to return from the sea (which is his life and his lady, sorry Brandy).

If Barry had his way, I'm sure he would have retitled the song "Randy".

panamajack
10-21-2005, 08:15 PM
What? Cannabalism?


Some actual lyrics :

Timothy, Timothy, Joe was looking at you
Timothy, Timothy, God what did we do?
...
My stomach was full as it could be
And nobody ever got around
To finding Tiimothy

the rest are here (http://lyrical.nl/song/19801)

The music is bad but not horrible; about all it does is confirm that this is meant to be a narrative song, not a joke. And it's catchy enough to get stuck in your head.

I think Lil' Markie is in the running, but I almost burst out laughing when he started singing, so whether he intended to or not, he provided entertainment in his brief lifespan.

stanger
10-21-2005, 08:20 PM
"Don't Worry, Be Happy"

I .. I can't go on ... the retching reflex is to great ...

Mr. Blue Sky
10-21-2005, 08:26 PM
The music is bad but not horrible; about all it does is confirm that this is meant to be a narrative song, not a joke. And it's catchy enough to get stuck in your head.

For years, most people flatly refused to believe this was a song about cannabalism. They tried to convince themselves and others that Timothy was either a duck or a mule (it was a mine after all). Rupert Holmes said he had been approached to write an outrageous, possibly controversial song for the then new band, The Bouys.

It worked. The song went to #17. The group had a minor follow up that didn't make the Top 40. They quickly vanished from the charts. Timothy's revenge from the grave?

MovieMogul
10-21-2005, 08:30 PM
Timothy's revenge from the grave?The grave? Or the outhouse?

Mr. Blue Sky
10-21-2005, 08:34 PM
The grave? Or the outhouse?

Good point!

RickJay
10-21-2005, 08:43 PM
Everyne is entitled to their opinion on this subject, but anyone whose poinion is different from mine is wrong.

The worst song ever is "In The Year 2525," by Zager & Evans. Kudos to those who mentioned it.

You won't find a worse song anywhere, ever. There's no combination of sounds detectable to human ears that could be worse than that song. The sound of a school bus full of crippled children being T-boned by a gasoline truck, exploding and burning with corpses flung all about and being run over by other cars that hurtle off the road and explode themselves while the occupants scream in terror would still be a more pleasant sound than "In The Year 2525."

Kilvert's Pagan
10-21-2005, 08:45 PM
Kilvert is not paying attention-I mentioned E and I a ways back. Thanks for bringing it up, again. :) :smack: My attention span just doesn't make three pages anymore. My apologies.

And thanks for the group and song name, Marque Elf.

mamboman
10-21-2005, 09:05 PM
Everyne is entitled to their opinion on this subject, but anyone whose poinion is different from mine is wrong.

The worst song ever is "In The Year 2525," by Zager & Evans. Kudos to those who mentioned it. ."

Whoa Whoa Whoa Whoa Whoa there sailor! Have you heard Z&E's follow up - "Mr Turnkey"?. Cheery little ditty about a man who rapes a woman in a Wichita bar and kills himself in prison, IIRC. Definitley a comedown from even "2525"...


mm

Good Egg
10-21-2005, 09:35 PM
"Carrion" by someone or other (some kind of rock band, early '90's).


I belive it was Carry On My Wayward Son by whom I know not, but your title has more "meaning." hee

I love this thread. Ah, the memories. A great book called Hollywood Hi Fi mentions lots of 'artists" and their "songs", such as Fabio, etc. Also the Shatner phenomenon. By the way, I've heard Golden throats and thought the singing was Not that bad at all.

Round & Round by Ratt comes to mind. Also Play That Funky Music White Boy, Delilah by Tom Jones, Livin La Vida Loca (really!)

By the way, Mandy is a Wonderful song! How dare you malign it!!!!

Mr. Blue Sky
10-21-2005, 09:38 PM
I belive it was Carry On My Wayward Son by whom I know not, but your title has more "meaning." hee


That was Kansas. It went to #11 in 1976.

mamboman
10-21-2005, 09:59 PM
Not so much a song, but the truly worst music I have ever heard was an Ornette Coleman album called "Science Fiction". Imagine the sound of a large water fowl being sodomised by an eggbeater.

I'm also told that this album is a realtivley middle-of-the-road effort for Coleman. Lord have mercy!

mm

AncientHumanoid
10-21-2005, 10:06 PM
Imagine the sound of a large water fowl being sodomised by an eggbeater.




I don't have to imagine...

Good Egg
10-21-2005, 10:15 PM
How soon we all have forgotten the great Yoko Ono. :o

Suburban Plankton
10-21-2005, 11:41 PM
I happen to rather enjoy quite a few of the songs mentioned in this thread (i'm not telling which ones).

However, there are a couple clunkers which have thus far escaped mention. I give you:


Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds (http://www.pathcom.com/~boby/lsd.au) , by William Shatner, and

The Ballad of Bilbo Baggins (http://www.alteringtime.com/features/misc/?p=baggins) (with video that must be seen to be believed), by Leonard Nimoy.

Too bad that Star Trek thing didn't work out for them.


But the all-time worst piece of "music" ever recorded is still "We Built This City".
Words cannot describe how putrid this song is. (As for "We Built This Starbucks": I started to play it a few minutes ago, very softly so as not to annoy Rhiannon8404. She heard the first four notes and made me turn it off. She's good.)

Cherry2000
10-21-2005, 11:52 PM
Some Crap=tastic drek that has not been mentioned yet:

Horse with no Name (oooookay...just name the fuckin' horse and be done with it)

Run, Joey, Run (never mind... how 'bout I run when you play that song?)

Wildfire...and Shannon... and... (and any other dead animal song)

Yeah, we definitely need a "barf" smiley around here...

Good Egg
10-21-2005, 11:54 PM
Midnight at the Oasis

Mehitabel
10-22-2005, 12:10 AM
You Light Up My Life. This is a cute harmless little song that you play and play and play when you're 13 until one day, out of nowhere, comes the time that it gets played ONE TIME TOO MANY.

You immediately develop powerful aural antibodies to it, and your body contends with it from there on in with violent projectile vomiting.

Another vote too for the Glue Factory Duet-Horse with no name and Wildfire. And oh yeah, that one that goes "Someone's knocking at the door, somebody's ringing the bell (repeat ten times over). Do me a favor, open the door, let 'er iiiiiin!"

A merciful Lord has wiped the "artist" and title from my memory banks.

Good Egg
10-22-2005, 12:14 AM
Wouldn't that be Paul Mccartney?

These keep coming to my mind....My baby Takes the Morning Train by Sheena Easton, War Sells But Who's Buying, Gene Genie by Bowie?

La Llorona
10-22-2005, 12:55 AM
Another vote for "Ebony and Ivory." You think, "A song about racial tolerance, sung by the great Stevie Wonder and Paul McCartney, no less! How bad can it be?" Answer: suicide-inducingly bad, that's how!

And although I can't say in all honesty that this is the worst song I've ever heard, for sheer inanity "Cater 2 U" (http://www.sing365.com/music/lyric.nsf/Cater-2-U-lyrics-Destiny's-Child/6F6AD0D36D5F7DE948256F35000B2182) by Destiny's Child genuinely can't be beat.

But the absolute worst song I have ever heard is a little gem called "Who's in the House" by a gentleman known as Carman. I certainly do not condone illegal downloading, but I would encourage you to spend a buck or whatever and legally acquire the thing just to marvel at the sheer mind-boggling awfulness of it. The answer to the question of the title? J.C. Why, yes, that's J.C., as in Jesus Christ. The lyrics themselves are pretty unremarkable: they're pretty standard Christian music fare. But what puts this song over the edge into terrifyingly bad music is that the words are set over a droning club beat and contain the immortal line, "Dance! We're kickin' it for Christ!" Has to be heard to be believed, honestly.

La Llorona
10-22-2005, 12:57 AM
Oh, and I almost forgot: "(I Got That) Boom Boom" by Britney Spears feat. the Ying Yang Twins. And yes, it really is just as bad as you can infer from the title.

Good Egg
10-22-2005, 01:00 AM
"Who's in the house? JC!" I have heard that song! At a friend of mine's years ago. I had forgotten all about it til now. small world

Guinastasia
10-22-2005, 01:11 AM
"Don't Worry, Be Happy"

I .. I can't go on ... the retching reflex is to great ...

Actually, if you pay attention to the lyrics, the song is meant to be ironic. Life sucks, basically, and everyone around you is telling you just to be happy. It's sarcastic.

"Sex Bomb", Tom Jones. Ugh, what is the appeal of this man? He's fugly and he looks like he smells of cheap cologne and desparation.

Faith Hill's remake of "Piece of My Heart". She should be shot for that.

Max Torque
10-22-2005, 01:31 AM
I have a couple of very viable candidates.

The first is one that Dave Barry mentioned in his "Bad Song Survey" years ago; he said something to the effect of, "It's a shame that some songs aren't more widely known and didn't get the votes they deserve....it is quite possibly the worst song I've ever heard." That song was Hooty Sapperticker by Barbara and the Boys. I have a copy, and it is truly appalling. Imagine if you will: most of the song consists of "the boys" saying "hooty hooty hooty!" over and over, followed by Barbara saying, "Howdy Hooty Sapperticker!" Seriously, if you can match that, I am in awe.

And yet, there is another horrible song that comes close. If you dare, download and listen to I'm Gonna Spend My Christmas With A Dalek (http://www.stomptokyo.com/extras/DalekXmas.mp3) by the Go Gos (no, not those Go Gos, some other low-rent band from the 1960s.) Ridiculous and awful in ways that only a song from the sixties can be.

Dangerous Nan McGrew
10-22-2005, 02:57 AM
Okay, help me out here. Maybe three or four years ago there was an inexplicable hit with incredibly bad lyrics...I want to say it was "Summer Girls"? There was a line in there about how "Chinese food gives me gas" or something like that.

I vote for that song.
I gotta come in here and back Kyla up on this one. That's the song that came to my mind when I saw the thread title.

It is indeed called "Summer Girls" and is by LFO. Lyrics. (http://lyrical.nl/song/39550)

You people will long for rainy cake after the likes of this:
You're the best girl that I ever did see
The great Larry Bird jersey 33
When you take a sip you buzzlike a hornet
Billy Shakespere wrote a whole bunch of sonnetsBudding songwriters, remember: it doesn't matter if your lyrics make sense, it only matters that they rhyme.

eleanorigby
10-22-2005, 06:07 AM
OK-my Carrion isn't the Kansas tune (no doubt wretched anyway).
It goes like this:

"Carrion, on the road the that I must travel,"
Carrion, ---can't remember the rest--


Lots of guitar--sounds kinda Survivor-ish (in terms of music).


That is the only lyric that I can call to mind. Definetly from the '90's--early on.

Husband says that it's "Carry Anne".


I like my version better. Why is Carry Anne laying down in the road that the guy must travel? None of it makes any sense--so it must be deep and significant, somehow....


:p

eleanorigby
10-22-2005, 06:09 AM
Oops-
Forgot to mention "Maxwell Silver Hammer" by Sir Paul himself.


And to think he was a Beatle when that excresence was perpetrated!

:eek:



and Neil Diamond's "Johnathan Livingston Seagull".


Am now nauseated and off to work.

Carm6773
10-22-2005, 06:25 AM
OK-my Carrion isn't the Kansas tune (no doubt wretched anyway).
It goes like this:

"Carrion, on the road the that I must travel,"
Carrion, ---can't remember the rest--
:p
I think you're speaking of Kyrie by Mister Mister (?).

lorene
10-22-2005, 06:32 AM
OK-my Carrion isn't the Kansas tune (no doubt wretched anyway).
It goes like this:

"Carrion, on the road the that I must travel,"
Carrion, ---can't remember the rest--


Lots of guitar--sounds kinda Survivor-ish (in terms of music).


That is the only lyric that I can call to mind. Definetly from the '90's--early on.

Husband says that it's "Carry Anne".


I like my version better. Why is Carry Anne laying down in the road that the guy must travel? None of it makes any sense--so it must be deep and significant, somehow....


:p


I know the song you're thinking of, but I can't access it in my brain. I thought the name was something which began with a 'K' (Kyrie? Ky-something...I have no idea.) Unfortunately, I went to a lyrics search site, but there was a banner ad which showed cockroaches crawling across the ad and I began screaming and hid my head in my hands and even had to have my husband come over and close the window for me because I couldn't look up at the screen again and now my day is pretty much ruined and I'll probably have bad dreams about that tonight.

And it's all because of that song, so yes, that does get my vote for worst song ever.

cosmosdan
10-22-2005, 06:34 AM
...and this is the worst line:



It's clunky, poorly written, and delivered like an afterthought.

And the writer who made a bloody fortune off it will feel reeeaalll bad knowing you think that.

Anastasaeon
10-22-2005, 06:37 AM
I think you're speaking of Kyrie by Mister Mister (?).

Yep, and they're singing "Kyrie Eleison down the road that I must travel..."

Means "Lord have mercy" or some such, in some... other.. language.. than English. *hangs head in shame*

Greek, maybe?

cosmosdan
10-22-2005, 06:38 AM
But, but... she came and she gave without taking!


I'm confused :confused: How did she give without taking if she came first??

cosmosdan
10-22-2005, 06:51 AM
Some really awful songs mentined but I believe I have a real contender. I remember hearing this on the raido and thinking "That must be the dumbest song ever"

Good Morning Starshine (http://my.execpc.com/~suden/morning_starshine.html) by Donovan

I mean with lyrics like these
My love and me as we sing
Our early morning singing song

Gliddy glub gloopy nibby nabby noopy
La la la lo lo
Sabba sibby sabba nooby abba nabba
Le le lo lo
Tooby ooby walla nooby abba naba
Early morning singing song
If we're talking songs that made the charts it's gotta be a real contender right?

lorene
10-22-2005, 07:04 AM
I think you're speaking of Kyrie by Mister Mister (?).

Thank you! Of course, your post wasn't up yet while I was having my traumatic experience, but at least we now have your and Anastaseon's explanation.

Beware of Doug
10-22-2005, 09:08 AM
oi loike traff-ic loights
oi loike traff-ic loights
oi loike traff-ic loights
oi, oh, ghod...

Mr. Blue Sky
10-22-2005, 09:19 AM
And the writer who made a bloody fortune off it will feel reeeaalll bad knowing you think that.

...and your point is?

DrMemory
10-22-2005, 09:37 AM
Man, I got through 3 whole pages before someone mentioned Yoko Ono.

Yoko's B- side to Happy Xmas (war is Over) is the melodic, unforgetable
Don't Worry Kyoko (mummies only looking for her hand in the snow) :eek:

And, as no one has mentioned it....

My nomination is ..."It's a Small World( after-all). If/when you go on the ride at Dizzyland, you will have that damn thing stuck in your brain for the rest of the day.

HMS Irruncible
10-22-2005, 09:43 AM
and Neil Diamond's "Johnathan Livingston Seagull".
Am now nauseated and off to work.
That reminds me of good old "Turn On Your Heartlight" ( the E.T. takeoff tune by Neil Diamond). Actually, that's a song that I feel like I should hate, but for some reason I can't. Guess it was because I was the target demographic at the time.

vivalostwages
10-22-2005, 10:59 AM
The "award" for Most Outrageous Lyrical Scenario could very well go to R Kelly for "Trapped in the Closet."
The first chapter goes like this:
http://www.lyricstop.com/t/trappedintheclosetchapter1of5-rkelly.html

And here is chapter two: http://www.lyricstop.com/t/trappedintheclosetchapter2of5-rkelly.html

It goes on for at least three more chapters.

Marlitharn
10-22-2005, 11:04 AM
"Ice Ice Baby". One of the things I'm most proud of is the fact that I've managed to never hear that song played all the way through; the first few bars make me all homicidal and bitchy, and I'm frantic until the station gets changed.

Another one, though I can't remember the artist (only that they had HUGE hair) - IT'S THE FINAL COUNT-DOOOOOWWWNN!!!

And was it Sonny and Cher who sang, "And the beat goes on....la di da di dah", all slurry and mushmouthed like they showed up at the studio stoned off their gourds but the day was already paid for so their manager made them record it anyway, or was it somebody else? Whoever it was, the song sucks.

Flipstrip
10-22-2005, 11:51 AM
Another one, though I can't remember the artist (only that they had HUGE hair) - IT'S THE FINAL COUNT-DOOOOOWWWNN!!!



The band Europe sang "The Final Countdown".

SlyFrog
10-22-2005, 11:52 AM
"How Bizarre" - OMC

That song rocks. I think I'm going to go download it now.

"How bizarre, how bizarre, how bizarre."

Good Egg
10-22-2005, 11:59 AM
And was it Sonny and Cher who sang, "And the beat goes on....la di da di dah", all slurry and mushmouthed like they showed up at the studio stoned off their gourds but the day was already paid for so their manager made them record it anyway, or was it somebody else? Whoever it was, the song sucks.
Sonny and Cher did Not get stoned. But they sang it that way.

sciurophobic
10-22-2005, 12:14 PM
Another one, though I can't remember the artist (only that they had HUGE hair) - IT'S THE FINAL COUNT-DOOOOOWWWNN!!!

But it's useful when performing an illusion. (Not a trick, that's something a whore does for money... or candy.)

sciurophobic
10-22-2005, 12:19 PM
I'd like to nominate Paul Lekakis' Boom Boom Boom, just for this skeevy chorus:

Boom Boom Boom
Let's go back to my room
So we can do it all night
And you can make me feel right


Spoken like a true gentleman. :dubious:

dwc1970
10-22-2005, 12:41 PM
The band Europe sang "The Final Countdown".

Might as well put that godawful ballad drek "Carrie" on this list. Bic must have sold a lot of lighters that year when Europe went on tour.

fishbicycle
10-22-2005, 12:53 PM
Are you talking about "Kyrie Eleison on the road that I must travel"?

That'd be Kyrie by Mister Mister.

fishbicycle
10-22-2005, 12:56 PM
Sorry for the double post of information, but that's how long the page hung up before the message posted. When I started composing, that post was last on the list. Somebody feed the hamsters!

Biffy the Elephant Shrew
10-22-2005, 01:06 PM
Good Morning Starshine (http://my.execpc.com/~suden/morning_starshine.html) by Donovan
Donovan did not do this song. You're thinking of Oliver (http://www.classicbands.com/oliver.html).

party store
10-22-2005, 01:07 PM
Hmm... pick one of these:

Led Zeppelin - Stairway To Heaven
Eagles - Hotel California
Beatles - Hey Jude
Eric Clapton - Tears In Heaven

Harriet the Spry
10-22-2005, 03:25 PM
Young Girl - I believe by Gary Puckett & the Union Gap. "Come back, when you grow up girl..." bleccch!

Kythereia
10-22-2005, 03:28 PM
Has anyone mentioned the horror that is the Hamster Dance?

jayjay
10-22-2005, 04:32 PM
"Turn on Your Heartlight" is supervenusfreak's bete noir. All I have to do is sing the lyrics "Turn on your..." and he flinches.

I used to own the Mr. Mister album that Kyrie was on (Broken Wings?) and listened it to death when I was 14 or so. Just a fun fact...Kyrie is probably the only pop song that ever took its lyrics from a Mass part...

But I have Those Were the Days (both the Mary Hopkins and the Dolly Parton versions) and Maria Muldaur's Midnight at the Oasis on my listen-to-at-work CD...

Mr. Blue Sky
10-22-2005, 04:37 PM
I used to own the Mr. Mister album that Kyrie was on (Broken Wings?) and listened it to death when I was 14 or so. Just a fun fact...Kyrie is probably the only pop song that ever took its lyrics from a Mass part...

I knew a guy who swore to me that he believed Mr. Mister would become the Beatles of the 80's.

Dark Side of the Floyd
10-22-2005, 04:48 PM
Hmm... pick one of these:

Led Zeppelin - Stairway To Heaven...

Er... what?

jayjay
10-22-2005, 04:59 PM
Young Girl - I believe by Gary Puckett & the Union Gap. "Come back, when you grow up girl..." bleccch!

Only one of those belongs to Gary Puckett...

Young girl, get out of my mind.
My love for you is way out of line.
Better run, girl.
You're much too young, girl...

The other lyric is from Bobby Vee, Come Back When You Grow Up, Girl.

HOWEVER...Gary Puckett does have another creepy young girl song, This Girl Is A Woman Now...

This girl walked in dreams
Playing in a world of her own
This girl was a child
Existing in a playground of stone
Then one night her world was changed
Her life and dreams were rearanged
And she would never be the same again

This girl is a woman now
... (cut because I can't post all the lyrics)

This girl tasted love
As tender as the gentle dawn
She cried a single tear
A teardrop that was sweet and warm
Our hearts told us we were right
And on that sweet and velvet night
A child had died
A woman had been born

rayh
10-22-2005, 06:03 PM
Rio - Duran Duran

rayh
10-22-2005, 06:17 PM
But seriously.

Shuddup Your Face - Joe Dolce. Astonishingly made number 1 in the UK. Even more astonishingly kept Ultravox's Vienna from making number 1.
Sailing - Rod Stewart. We are sailing, We are saaaaaaaaaiiiiiiiiiiiiilinggggggggggg.
Mull of Kyntyre - Paul McCartney. Need I say more?
Killing Me Softly - The Fugees (not the original version, which I liked). Booom chicka anyone?
Save All Your Kisses For Me - Bortherhood Of Man. The Eurovision Song Contest has foisted some rubbish on us, but this has outsold everything. Even Abba's Waterloo (if you exclude album sales).

The Great Silence
10-22-2005, 08:36 PM
The Girl is mine.

What a piece of crap.

Also Ruby, Don't Take Your Love to Town and Behind Closed Doors.

Mr. Blue Sky
10-22-2005, 08:44 PM
The Girl is mine.

What a piece of crap.

That steaming pile makes me wish all the more than Lennon was alive. He would have reamed Paul out on that one.

F. U. Shakespeare
10-22-2005, 09:25 PM
James died before Cream recorded the song. I have heard that his wife didn't recognize the song, but was plenty glad for the royalty check.
Your second sentence agrees with what I've heard.

However, according to James biographer Steve Calt:Even as he wasted away with cancer, (James) took pride in the thought that his 1931 recording of "I'm So Glad" surpassed a rock version by The Cream. "That piece is absolutely gonna stand", he said.

betenoir
10-22-2005, 09:25 PM
I cannot let this thead go by without including:

Cherish by the Association


What that? You don't know it? Let me help you.


"Cherish is the word I use to describe...

aahhhh ah ahh aaaahh ah ahhh...

All the feeling that I have hiding here for you inside"

Remember it now? yes, some of you are lucky enough not to be able to...some are wondering how I could be so sadistic as to dredge up memories so carefuly repressed in the name of sanity. Yeah, well, welcome to my world. I had forgotten about this song (and a number of similar songs the '60s are less than famous for) till I took a job where it was played at me about one a day. It probably will be again tomorrow!!!!

So if I have to suffer you do too

"Perish is the word that more than applies
To the hope in my heart each time I realize
That I am not gonna be the one to share your dreams
That I am not gonna be the one to share your schemes
That I am not gonna be the one to share what
Seems to be the life that you could
Cherish as much as I do yours"


Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Mr. Blue Sky
10-22-2005, 09:29 PM
I cannot let this thead go by without including:

Cherish by the Association


I see your Cherish and raise you Bread's "Baby, I'm-a Want You."


Baby, I'm-a want you
Baby, I'm-a need you
You the only one I care enough to hurt about
Maybe I'm-a crazy
But I just can't live without...

Kyla
10-22-2005, 09:55 PM
But seriously.


Wait, are you saying your "Rio" nomination wasn't for real? Because it is a truly awful song.

I'm somehow been spared this R. Kelly closet thing...I assume it sounds better performed than read, right? Because these lyrics are hysterical.

Biffy the Elephant Shrew
10-22-2005, 10:01 PM
F. U. Shakespeare is right; Skip James died in October 1969, by which time Cream had been and gone, leaving both studio and live versions of "I'm So Glad" in their wake. (Not to mention Deep Purple's 1968 knock-off, where "tired of moanin'" gets mondegreened into "telephonin'.")

ReuvenB
10-22-2005, 10:25 PM
I have you ALL beat. If any of you have ever heard of the book Songs in the Key of Z, a wonderful book about bizarre music, it comes with a 2 CD set. I borrowed this set from one of my friends out of idle curiosity. On the second CD, I heard something that literally made me run from the room with pain in my ears.
I give you Cousin Mosquito #2 by Congress-Woman Malinda Jackson Parker.
You can hear a snip of it on Amazon (http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/B000077SX3/002-7259899-9973669?v=glance), or you can take my advice and poke your eardrums with knitting needles instead. Most of the song consists of a woman repeating "buzz buzz buzz buzz buzz" for thirty second stretches. The rest describes the deadly nature of the mosquito in a semi-spoken work format.

Marley23
10-22-2005, 10:29 PM
However, according to James biographer Steve Calt:
Well, I think I know what happened. I did a quick google of James and found that he died in 1959. Wikipedia says he died in 1969, in which case he definitely lasted long enough to hear Cream play it.

cosmosdan
10-22-2005, 11:41 PM
...and your point is?

It must have been the spelling that threw you. The word was real.

Good Egg
10-22-2005, 11:42 PM
Baby Baby Don't Get Hooked on Me by the inimitable Mac Davis.
I was going to say Tiny Bubbles by Don Ho but thats just too good.

cosmosdan
10-22-2005, 11:43 PM
Donovan did not do this song. You're thinking of Oliver (http://www.classicbands.com/oliver.html).


I stand corrected. Thanks. The lyric sheet I found didn't list artist.

The song is still a contender though.

Jackmannii
10-22-2005, 11:54 PM
Almost immediately after streaking entered the national consciousness (somewhere in the seventies), a song was released entitled "Streakin'". It was sort of like primeval rap music for the brain-damaged. I can find no reference to it on Google, and that is a good thing. Ray Stevens' song "The Streak" came out soon afterwards, and while moderately annoying in its own right, at least eclipsed the earlier song.

I still own a 45 rpm release of "The Battle Hymn of Lieutenant Calley" and it is one of my most prized possessions.

mojave66
10-23-2005, 01:13 AM
If you're looking for a decent singer that was forced to sing some horrific sh*t, look no further than Elvis during his movie years. My favorite? "Dominic the Impotent Bull." In 3/4 time no less.

Good Egg
10-23-2005, 01:25 AM
If you're looking for a decent singer that was forced to sing some horrific sh*t, look no further than Elvis during his movie years. My favorite? "Dominic the Impotent Bull." In 3/4 time no less.
Are you putting us on? I would like to hear that!

mamboman
10-23-2005, 01:41 AM
Speaking of guys who really should have known better, Gil Evans made an album of Jimi Hendrix tunes in the mid 70's, most of which was inoffensive enough, but his version of "Angel" was just appallingly, appallingly bad. How such toxic goddafulness could come from the man who worked on "Porgy & Bess" with Miles is beyond me.

eleanorigby
10-23-2005, 06:04 AM
Holy Religious Words, Batman!!

:eek:

Who woulda thunk to put Kyrie in a "rock" song?!?


I like it better as carrion or Carry Anne--these references add a certain depth to the story line. :D


And the singer's articulative skills are somewhat lacking....

I had forgotten all about Turn on Your Heartlight--too bad for me that you reminded me. Blech.

Sorry about the cockroaches upthread--but all for a good cause!

Tazmanian Devil
10-23-2005, 09:16 AM
While I haven't actually heard their stuff, I'd like give an honorary nod to the work of Prussian Blue.
The UK version? (http://www.prussianblue.com/)

or

the US version? (http://www.prussianblue.net/)

lorene
10-23-2005, 09:57 AM
Holy Religious Words, Batman!!
Sorry about the cockroaches upthread--but all for a good cause!

Thank you. I'm still not quite over the trauma, but at least it was in the name of fighting ignorance!

Guinastasia
10-23-2005, 11:10 AM
I gotta come in here and back Kyla up on this one. That's the song that came to my mind when I saw the thread title.

It is indeed called "Summer Girls" and is by LFO. Lyrics. (http://lyrical.nl/song/39550)

You people will long for rainy cake after the likes of this:
Budding songwriters, remember: it doesn't matter if your lyrics make sense, it only matters that they rhyme.


IIRC, that song was inspired by Jennifer Love Hewitt, who, by the way, made some pretty god awful albums herself. Anyone remember her single, "How Do I Deal?"

The only "Carrion" song I know is by Fiona Apple off of her first album, Tidal. I wouldn't put it in the worst song catagory-exactly the opposite! It's pretty good.


Whenever people mention Gary Puckett (who should have his vocal cords forcibly removed with a rusty set of pliers, WITHOUT anesthesia), I always think of the dad on Growing Pains, because he LOVED Gary Puckett.

Glassy
10-23-2005, 11:15 AM
Hmmm, most of the truly awful stuff I had in mind has been mentioned already. I give another vote to "The Girl Is Mine" by McCartney and Jackson.

Does anyone remember "Hey There Lonely Girl" by Eddie Holman? Most likely to be heard on those radio stations that do 70s lite rock. Sung in a nauseating man-falsetto:

"Hey there lonely girl!
Looonely girl!
Something something something blue!
Lonely girl!
Looonely girl!
Something something something new!"

Augh! AND I turn off the radio.

On the country stations you used to be able to hear a sickening trickle of audio glurge called "Butterfly Kisses" about the singer's love for his daughter. It was pretty foul.

On the other hand, I absolutely adore the "hooga chacka" version of "Hooked on a Feeling." It's one of my favorite remakes of all time, right up there with the Pet Shop Boys' rendition of "Where the Streets Have No Name." But that's another thread.

Good Egg
10-23-2005, 01:03 PM
On the other hand, I absolutely adore the "hooga chacka" version of "Hooked on a Feeling." It's one of my favorite remakes of all time, right up there with the Pet Shop Boys' rendition of "Where the Streets Have No Name." But that's another thread.
I read somewhere that the rumor was that hook was a subliminal and it really said Who got sucked off? instead of hooga chaka. :rolleyes:

Guinastasia
10-23-2005, 01:20 PM
What about "Sea Cruise?" I HATE that fucking song. That whole "ooooeeeeee...baby!"

Ugh, it just churns my stomach.

Mr. Blue Sky
10-23-2005, 01:21 PM
What about "Sea Cruise?" I HATE that fucking song. That whole "ooooeeeeee...baby!"

Ugh, it just churns my stomach.


And what does "I got to boogie woogie like a knife in the back" supposed to mean?

bluecanary
10-23-2005, 02:27 PM
Seriously, has no-one else heard the Taco song?

The song mentioned upthread with the woman screaming "I hate you so much right now!" is 'Caught Out There' by Kelis.

KRC
10-23-2005, 03:00 PM
Wasn't that rumor about the "Ooga Chaka" song from a book called Subliminal Seduction ? I can't remember the author's name but later he went on to write a book about how that eeeeevil rock and roll music is destroying our children.

Speaking of bad songs, destroyed children, generation gaps etc., has anyone yet mentioned "Once You Understand" by Think? It consists of a series of arguments between parents and their children and ends with a father receiving a phone call in which he is informed that he had better come down to the police station because his son has died of an OD. The father, who no doubt now realizes that he should have been more understanding, starts to cry and the song ends, leaving the listener wondering why the kid OD'd at the police station.

Oh, and I'll second or third Heart Light and also that one where Neil Diamond seems to believe that his furniture has come to life but is refusing to listen to him. (I thinks its called "I Am I Said") Hey Neil, we've got medications now to treat that--talk to your shrink.

Biffy the Elephant Shrew
10-23-2005, 04:13 PM
On the other hand, I absolutely adore the "hooga chacka" version of "Hooked on a Feeling."
I just heard this today on the sound system at Trader Joe's.

jayjay
10-23-2005, 04:22 PM
Incidentally, the "ooga chaka ooga ooga" version of "Hooked on a Feeling" is by a group called Blue Swede (http://www.coolforever.com/temp/blueswede_hookedonafeeling1.JPG).

Mr. Blue Sky
10-23-2005, 04:28 PM
Incidentally, the "ooga chaka ooga ooga" version of "Hooked on a Feeling" is by a group called Blue Swede (http://www.coolforever.com/temp/blueswede_hookedonafeeling1.JPG).

While watching one of those Time-Life infomercials, I finally got to see what the lead singer looked like. He's a skinny little blond guy with a seriously bad case of 70s blow-dried hair.

pic (http://hometown.aol.co.uk/glamrockbear2/images/blue%20swede%20001.jpg)

jayjay
10-23-2005, 04:32 PM
While watching one of those Time-Life infomercials, I finally got to see what the lead singer looked like. He's a skinny little blond guy with a seriously bad case of 70s blow-dried hair.

pic (http://hometown.aol.co.uk/glamrockbear2/images/blue%20swede%20001.jpg)

It was the 70s. The only people who didn't have a bad case of blow-dried hair were the ones with 2-foot afros...

Mr. Blue Sky
10-23-2005, 04:35 PM
It was the 70s. The only people who didn't have a bad case of blow-dried hair were the ones with 2-foot afros...


I somehow expected the lead to singer to big a bigger guy. A case of pre-historic Rick Astley Syndrome, I suppose.

BMax
10-23-2005, 04:37 PM
It was the 70s. The only people who didn't have a bad case of blow-dried hair were the ones with 2-foot afros...

Some of the 50-something WWII vets were still wearing brylcreme.

Feydeau
10-23-2005, 04:38 PM
Wasn't that rumor about the "Ooga Chaka" song from a book called Subliminal Seduction ? I can't remember the author's name but later he went on to write a book about how that eeeeevil rock and roll music is destroying our children.

Wilson Bryan Key, who also wrote Media Sexploitation and The Clam-Plate Orgy. I don't recall his later work on rock lyrics, but it's possible. The man has issues.

Speaking of bad songs, destroyed children, generation gaps etc., has anyone yet mentioned "Once You Understand" by Think? It consists of a series of arguments between parents and their children and ends with a father receiving a phone call in which he is informed that he had better come down to the police station because his son has died of an OD. The father, who no doubt now realizes that he should have been more understanding, starts to cry and the song ends, leaving the listener wondering why the kid OD'd at the police station.

I recall hearing this, of all places, on Dr. Demento's radio show.

Oh, and I'll second or third Heart Light and also that one where Neil Diamond seems to believe that his furniture has come to life but is refusing to listen to him. (I thinks its called "I Am I Said") Hey Neil, we've got medications now to treat that--talk to your shrink.

That's the funniest summary of that song (I Am, I Said) that I've EVER READ.

Harriet the Spry
10-23-2005, 04:41 PM
Only one of those belongs to Gary Puckett...

Young girl, get out of my mind.
My love for you is way out of line.
Better run, girl.
You're much too young, girl...



Thank you, that's the one. There was only so much googling I wanted to do on the words "young girl"....

Feydeau
10-23-2005, 04:43 PM
I somehow expected the lead to singer to big a bigger guy. A case of pre-historic Rick Astley Syndrome, I suppose.

<hijack>

I just googled Rick Astley. :eek:


I swear, I always thought he was a tall, black dude. Just, yknow, from his voice.

Wow.

</hijack>

jayjay
10-23-2005, 05:09 PM
I just googled Rick Astley. :eek:


I swear, I always thought he was a tall, black dude. Just, yknow, from his voice.

Wow.


As opposed to being Howdy Doody's buffer older brother?

PunditLisa
10-23-2005, 05:28 PM
Every now and then, the hip-hop scene produces something so incredibly inane that it makes Barney look like Sting. The latest offering is My Humps (http://www.mindspring.com/~toastcontrol/humps.mp3) by some evil group called the "Black-Eyed Peas".

The lyrics go like this:
"My humps, my humps my humps my humps, my humps my humps my humps, my lovely lady lumps".



Seconded. It's an awful song in its own right, but the kids just love it, which makes it even more odious.

Nothing like watching a roomful of skankily dressed teens bumping and grinding to a t&a song. Ahhh, the innocence of youth.

NinjaChick
10-23-2005, 07:42 PM
Okay, the Black Eyed Peas song isn't great, but it's so catchy - wonderful for, you know, dancing or partying to.

I despise country music in general: it's twangy and mopey, generally the artists are horrible and untalented, and the lyrics are mind-numbing and idiotic.

Any of the patriotic aural glurge - God Bless America, that Red White and Blue song, and there's some horrid, wretched thing about "This flag's not a rag" or some rot, which really makes me want to smash the radio and then, perhaps, set fire to the culture that produced this drivel.

I really hate that stuff.

Pan4Life
10-23-2005, 07:56 PM
I can't believe nobody nominated "Hey-hey We're the Monkeys"

That, is a way bad song....and not like in a transverse dichotomy where "bad" is more like..."baaad", rather just plain horrible.

Right up that alley and on an even keel goes "Shiny Happy People" by REM even though I will sit through the video with the mute button pressed to see Kate Pierson shimmy in her go-go boots.

Even that can't save the fact that the song suuuuuuuuuuks so bad on every level.

fishbicycle
10-23-2005, 08:14 PM
I can't believe nobody nominated "Hey-hey We're the Monkeys"

What would you like to have had The Monkees sing as the theme to their television show?

Hey you kids, get off my lawn!

Guinastasia
10-23-2005, 08:39 PM
And what does "I got to boogie woogie like a knife in the back" supposed to mean?

If that's part of the lyrics, I wouldn't know-I try to block that piece of shit out of my memory.

I like the original "Hooked on a Feeling".

"My Humps"-what do you expect from a group where the lead singer pisses herself while performing on stage?

rayh
10-23-2005, 08:57 PM
Here is something i've found. I find it difficult to disagree with any of these offences against musical taste (http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/entertainment/848510.stm).

1. The Birdie Song - The Tweets
2. Teletubbies Say Eh-Oh - The Teletubbies
3. Barbie Girl - Aqua
4. Agadoo - Black Lace
5. I Should Be So Lucky - Kylie Minogue
6. We're Going To Ibiza - Vengaboys
7. Grandma We Love You - St Winifred's School Choir
8. Shaddap Your Face - Joe Dolce
9. Achy Breaky Heart - Billy Ray Cyrus
10. Lady In Red - Chris De Burgh

Honorable mentions go to :-

Save Your Love - Rene and Renata
Agadoo - Black Lace
Orville's Song - Keith Harris
If - Telly Sevalas
Achie Breaky Heart - Billy Ray-Cyrus
Long Haired Lover From Liverpool - Jimmy Osmond

And last, but by no means least :-
Macarena - Los Del Rio

And to make matters worse here (http://www.ambassdj.com/page25.html) are the dance steps, and you can also hear portions of the song.

And here (http://www.excalibur-nx-1707.com/klingon%20disco.htm) is the Klingon version.

vivalostwages
10-23-2005, 08:58 PM
Okay, the Black Eyed Peas song isn't great, but it's so catchy - wonderful for, you know, dancing or partying to.

I despise country music in general: it's twangy and mopey, generally the artists are horrible and untalented, and the lyrics are mind-numbing and idiotic.

Any of the patriotic aural glurge - God Bless America, that Red White and Blue song, and there's some horrid, wretched thing about "This flag's not a rag" or some rot, which really makes me want to smash the radio and then, perhaps, set fire to the culture that produced this drivel.

I really hate that stuff.

I am so relieved to find someone else who feels this way. To twangy and mopey and drivel, let us add: whiny, nasal, self-righteous.
I share your hate.

Mr. Blue Sky
10-23-2005, 09:02 PM
here (http://www.excalibur-nx-1707.com/klingon%20disco.htm) is the Klingon version.

Right. Show me the Klingon with the balls to do the Macarena.

vivalostwages
10-23-2005, 09:08 PM
Here is something i've found. I find it difficult to disagree with any of these offences against musical taste (http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/entertainment/848510.stm).
snip



And to make matters worse here (http://www.ambassdj.com/page25.html) are the dance steps, and you can also hear portions of the song.

And here (http://www.excalibur-nx-1707.com/klingon%20disco.htm) is the Klingon version.

Just for that, here is some payback:

http://picard.ytmnd.com/

elfkin477
10-23-2005, 10:03 PM
Generally speaking I'm a fairly peaceable person. But there is one song that had me contemplating murder each time my dorm neighbors played it loud enough to shake the walls.

That song is "Hard Knock Life" by Jay Z.

He should burn in hell for recording it.

Good Egg
10-23-2005, 10:44 PM
You've Got the Look by some foreign band. I hear the lyrics are off. "Lovin like a dog"

HMS Irruncible
10-23-2005, 11:03 PM
I despise country music in general: it's twangy and mopey, generally the artists are horrible and untalented, and the lyrics are mind-numbing and idiotic.
Well, now I have to take a bit of exception to that. If you're talking about the commercially produced glurge from the fake cowboy factory line, yeah, I'm right with you on that. But some of the classic stuff is really good, like vintage Johnny Cash or Patsy Cline.

Any of the patriotic aural glurge - God Bless America, that Red White and Blue song, and there's some horrid, wretched thing about "This flag's not a rag" or some rot, which really makes me want to smash the radio and then, perhaps, set fire to the culture that produced this drivel.
I really hate that stuff.
Yeah, this is pretty awful. In fact it's so awful that I hesitate to call it music. I'm not normally a conspiracy nut, but I strongly suspect the a lot of this stuff is indirectly contracted out by by government officials and funded out of black budgets. In many ways, country music is our Pravda. Why force propaganda and advertising down people's throats when you can create stuff that they'll gobble up hand over fist?

Please excuse my cynicism, I'm fighting off both a wicked hangover and an existential crisis today.

jayjay
10-23-2005, 11:05 PM
You've Got the Look by some foreign band. I hear the lyrics are off. "Lovin like a dog"

Roxette. I believe they're Swedish.

Mona Lott
10-23-2005, 11:20 PM
Every time one of these "worst song ever" threads appear, I find it necessary to mention the horror that is Michael Bolton. I can't decide which of his songs is the very worst--they all suck. He should suffer eternal agony for the butchering he did to Percy Sledge's When a Man Loves a Woman .

I get really frustrated when I remember that such musical powerhouses as Creedence Clearwater Revival and Bruce Springsteen have never had a Number One Hit, but such awful hacks like Paper Lace and Bo Donaldson and the Heywoods have topped the charts. The '70s was a time of some truly horrific "music".

RunSilent
10-24-2005, 06:41 AM
Every single rap song.

The Boys are Back in Town, by Thin Lizzy.

Pan4Life
10-24-2005, 06:53 AM
And to make matters worse here (http://www.ambassdj.com/page25.html) are the dance steps, and you can also hear portions of the song.

And here (http://www.excalibur-nx-1707.com/klingon%20disco.htm) is the Klingon version.[/QUOTE]

Thank you for that....I laughed my butt off.

As a note, the first link says that horrid mutation "originated in Spain", it did not.
Mexico is not a part of Spain, I looked on my handy mini-atlas I keep behind my pocket protector for just such an occasion.

Marlitharn
10-24-2005, 08:49 AM
Does anyone remember "Hey There Lonely Girl" by Eddie Holman? Most likely to be heard on those radio stations that do 70s lite rock. Sung in a nauseating man-falsetto:

"Hey there lonely girl!
Looonely girl!
Something something something blue!
Lonely girl!
Looonely girl!
Something something something new!"

Augh! AND I turn off the radio.
Shawn Cassidy did a cover of this song in the 70's. Along with, IIRC, "Da Doo Ron Ron" which in more cultured countries would have earned him 50 lashes.

My co-workers like to listen to the "Party Hits" music channel. The other night I was treated to "The Thong Song" by Sisqo. She had dumps like a truck, truck, truck
Thighs like what, what, what
Baby move your butt, butt, butt
I think i'll sing it again

Awe-inspiring, innit? The man wrote an ode to underwear. Thankfully, he left out any mention of skid marks.

Mr. Blue Sky
10-24-2005, 08:58 AM
You've Got the Look by some foreign band. I hear the lyrics are off. "Lovin like a dog"


That was indeed Roxette, the most successful Swedish band since ABBA (take that for what you will).

The line is:


Heavenly bound
Cause heaven's got a number
When she's spinning me around
Kissing is a colour
Her loving is a wild dog
she's got the look

Sounds like stuff Prince threw out after a 14th re-write.

Scumpup
10-24-2005, 09:10 AM
Abigail Beecher (http://www.ntl.matrix.com.br/pfilho/html/lyrics/a/abigail_beecher.txt) written by Richard Heard and Robert Boulanger, performed by Freddy Cannon. Dreadful. Just dreadful. The "whoo's" in particular are like getting red hot icepicks rammed through my eardrums.

Clothahump
10-24-2005, 09:50 AM
Loving you by Minnie Ripperton. My flesh crawls when I here it.
Happiest girl in the whole USA by Donna Fargo. Puke, puke, puke...
Muskrat Love by the Carpenters. I HATE every song every done by them but this bit of drivel is the worst. Muskrats don't make squeaky noises when they screw, they shreak and make a bunch of noise.

FWIW, that was the Captain and Tenniel, not the Carpenters. Karen Carpenter could sing. Toni Tenniel couldn't.

eleanorigby
10-24-2005, 10:06 AM
Long Haired Lover From Liverpool - Jimmy Osmond




OK-I have never heard of or heard this song. But the image in my head right now of what it could possibly be like has me running for the Xanax--NOW.


How about Paper Roses? by sister Marie or Pupppy Love by Donny himself? (who turned out to be quite cool in Joseph the musical)


Hard Knock Life (hell, the whole musical Annie) is crap and never needs to be sung again...today or tomorrow!

Mr. Blue Sky
10-24-2005, 10:17 AM
OK-I have never heard of or heard this song. But the image in my head right now of what it could possibly be like has me running for the Xanax--NOW.

Only if you take the Xanax via an ice pick in your ear. This song was a huge hit in England.

Jimmy also did a song called, "Killer Joe" (http://www.webfitz.com/lyrics/index.php?option=com_webfitzlyrics&Itemid=27&func=fullview&lyricsid=4255).


Read those lyrics closely and remember Jimmy's sister is named Marie.

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