I am GOD

[GOD]

I am neither man nor woman, yet both and more. I am everyone; I am nobody. I yam what I yam. I am he as you are we and they are we and we are all together. I am the Alpha and the Omega; also the Omni. UB40, I be eternal.
Oh, and stop grovelling. Every time I try to talk to someone it's "I'm sorry this and forgive me that and I am not worthy"...now KNOCK IT OFF!

[Leslie]

Hey, GOD. How's it goin'? Listen, I just wanted to stop a moment and be sure to thank you for all the good stuff. You know, baby giggles and snow-capped mountains and Milano cookies and pretty sunsets and burps that feel really good. That sort of stuff. You're the best! YAY GOD!

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I think you're smarter than a dumb slug. - Christopher A. Evans

[Contestant #3]

Yes, but are you Milli Vanilli? I hardly think so...

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Contestant #3

[Gilligan]

I always get a laugh when I mouseover the email icon on one of your posts so I can read "Click Here to Email GOD"

[Czarcasm]

Well GOD, I'm gonna do the right thing because it's the right thing to do, not because of rules laid out in an old and frequently retranslated book.
O.K. with you?

[GOD]

Yes, slythe, that is fine. Try not to be mean to the folks that need a rule book.

[Czarcasm]

Why should I be mean? They do such a good job of killing each other off. I just stand back and watch.

[aseymayo]

Well maybe you'd deign to explain a few things then.

Like the Holocaust. You allowed your Chosen People to be treated like that? What was the point there? A nicely aimed bolt of lightning could have saved millions of lifes. Or were you just feeling a little lonely?

Or the whole "sacrifice" concept - what's that about? You started off demanding bits of sheep or goats, and then you decided we should sacrifice your own son? Very nasty, in my opinion.

And this Bible thing. Couldn't you have provided a little practical information, like "this is how electricity works" or "watch out for rats - they carry plague." But no, just a lot of "thou shalt nots" - very helpful.

Pfui.

[aseymayo]

er...lives. The devil made me do that.

[Leslie]

Asemayo, how do you know our GOD wrote that book you're talking about? I personally believe it was written by a lot of old Jewish guys a long time ago. That book could be flat out wrong. I happen to think a lot of it is.

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I think you're smarter than a dumb slug. - Christopher A. Evans

[GOD]

Does the guy who built the house get blamed when the people who later live there get nutty and do bad things? I'm pretty much hands-off when it comes to human affairs. Keep in mind that there are fates worse than death. BTW, sacrifice was a human idea, too. As far as the Bible goes, there's a lot of good stuff in there if you pick through the awkward translations. I didn't write it, though.

[Pooch]

God, of course you know that I posted in another thread that I won $20,000 at the horse track, and that towards the end of the race you probably remember me saying something like, "Oh God, please!! I'll do anything just let me win this race. Oh God, please, I'll quit smoking, cut back on the single malt scotch and try to be a better person..in fact I'll give up gambling, God, if you just let me win this one race!"

Well, forget it. It was all bullshit. In fact, you owed me one. (Big raspberry here)

[aseymayo]

GOD spake:
"Does the guy who built the house get blamed when the people who later live there get nutty and do bad things?"

He should certainly be blamed if he also built the people.

So, you created the world and everything in it - including us - and then abnegate all responsibility. Bah! Zeus was a much better god than you. And a lot more fun.

[Satan]

Well, I guess we know what this makes me...

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Brian O'Neill
CMC International Records
rockuniverse.com/cmc/cmc.html (http://rockuniverse.com/cmc/cmc.html)

ICQ 35294890
AIM Scrabble1
Yahoo Messenger Brian_ONeill

[Neobican]

Why is the poster "GOD" actually claiming to be God?? I mean Satan does not claim to be the mighty dark lord himself. Whats with the charade? Personality complex, what? Im definitely not a bible thumper, but the fact that someone has taken it upon themselves to pose as the highest religious figure which billions of people worldwide over thousands of years take seriously, seems like the biggest act of perjury in history.

Yeah, Neobican, and why does God need to post through the auspices of America OnLine? Wouldn't the real God be his/her/its own ISP? Like, www.creation.net? (http://www.creation.net?)

Aw, jeeze, wouldn't ya know it? That turned out to be a real website for a bunch of Korean Creationists! Don't go there, God! You won't like what you read!

[the first supraliminal]

Hehe, that's pretty funny, DIF.


By the way, GOD, I never received an answer for my ultimatum, you know, or you should know, the one about the million dollars or a bolt of lightning?

Jesus! I mean GOD! Do I have to be Oral Roberts for you to talk to me?




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¾È ³ç, ÁÖ µ¿ ÀÏ

[Czarcasm]

GOD, MAN here. Just remember, I made you, and I can break you. I made you in MY image, so I know all the secrets.

[gypsy]

God, just a one bitch here....why is it that whenever my ship comes in, you have me waiting at the airport?

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Unforgiven

[Leslie]

Why is the poster "GOD" actually claiming to be God?? I mean Satan does not claim to be the mighty dark lord himself. Whats with the charade? Personality complex, what? Im definitely not a bible thumper, but the fact that someone has taken it upon themselves to pose as the highest religious figure which billions of people worldwide over thousands of years take seriously, seems like the biggest act of perjury in history.
Aww, c'mon Neobican. Don't be so grumpy. Haven't you ever read any of the "Conversations with God" books? I mean, just use your imagination and pretend it really is GOD out there. Just let go, ask questions, and see what comes up.

The mystic in me then says "does it really even matter if this is the real GOD"? I mean, what is GOD anyway, and how would we know if we saw him/her/it?

GOD is in all of us. Therefore, the GOD we're chatting with here is as good as any thunder/lightning/celestial throne god.

Just my $.02.



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I think you're smarter than a dumb slug. - Christopher A. Evans

[Mr Thin Skin]

Are you all blind?

GOD is loverock. Remember GOD came into being at the end of the loverock hoax. HE is the same group of regulars that perpetrated loverock. Watch GOD's email address carefully and remember that when you change your email address a new password is sent to that address.

[Bluepony]

Wow, a chance to talk to God. As a diehard baseball fan, I just gotta know, what did the Red Sox do to piss you off?

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"...send lawyers, guns, and money..."

Warren Zevon

[aseymayo]

Ah, Mr. Thin Skin, you're no fun anymore. Where else am I going to get the opportunity to flame GOD?

Oh, and GOD? About that sacrifice thing. You said: "BTW, sacrifice was a human idea".
Oh really? Then how about that little trick you pulled on Abraham and Isaac? Didn't you command Abraham to sacrifice his son? Of course, when he was about to go through with it, you did jump in and say, "Never mind, just kidding!" but you also provided a handy ram so the sacrifice could be made. Why not just say, "no, no - sacrifice isn't really necessary."?

[moriah]

Neobican posted

Why is the poster "GOD" actually claiming to be God?? I mean Satan does not claim to be the mighty dark lord himself. Whats with the charade?

I, however, [b]am[b] a near Eastern mountain.

And being present at the Isaac event, I can tell you that GOD doesn't demand human sacrifice but accepts those who voluntarily sacrifice themselves for a larger good.

However, if you don't believe GOD or me, than you commence to worship Goldberg, who is God.

Peace.

[Byzantine]

Hey GOD, since you know all tell me who or what is this loverock thing? I haven't been here long yet keep reading references to it or them or whatever! Thanks! And don't go around the board reading my other posts. I don't think you'd approve!


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The moon looks on many flowers, the flowers on but one moon.

[Czarcasm]

Byz baby, by all that's holy, unholy, or just plain indifferent, PLEASE retract that last question! We'll pretend we never read it, and everyone will be much, MUCH happier.

[Byzantine]

Please, PLEASE ignore that question. I have gotten an answer. Thanks!


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The moon looks on many flowers, the flowers on but one moon.

[Leslie]

Good. I'm glad. It's too much work for one person to have to be GOD.

"Here honey, I'm tired. You be GOD for a while."

I love that!

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I think you're smarter than a dumb slug. - Christopher A. Evans

[UncleBeer]

Hey, Big Guy, can you end this foolish debate about creationism/evolution once and for all? I personally don't give a damn; I'm just tired of all the pontificating jackasses.

God was my co-pilot, but we crashed in the mountains and I had to eat him.

Yours, apathetically.

BTW, this could be a vey amusing thread.

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Abstainer: a weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure.
- Ambrose Bierce

[t.g.]

Uh, excuse me God, but I have a couple of questions if you don't mind.
Why did You make fleas, and all the other blood sucking pests. I hate bugs.
And I want to know where you got the idea for hummingbirds too, strange little creatures, pretty though.

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t.g.
sweet innocent little old grandma type person

[the first supraliminal]

Hey, GOD, can you send me something about loverock, also. (I think you told Byzantine)

I just missed the part where loverock was revealed to be other posters on this board. I would just like to know who the culprits were. Shall I get down on my knees?



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¾È ³ç, ÁÖ µ¿ ÀÏ

[MrKnowItAll]

Hi, GOD. Um, just a quick question. Two years ago this October, I realized I didn't believe in you anymore. Is that OK?

[GOD]

MrKnowItAll, it's OK. I still believe in you.
RE: Zeus and Satan; they, like all other supernatural beings AND natural beings, are aspects of me. So are you all.
RE: Abe&Isaac; listen, throughout the ages, all kinds of hallucinations have been attributed to me. Grain-o-salt, people.
RE: the evil in human nature; it really didn't start that way. I let you guys evolve as you saw fit.
RE: gambling and sporting events; I have an ABSOLUTE hands-off policy. If I allowed the Holocaust, the Inquisition, etc...do you really think I'm gonna look down at a ballgame or a craps table and think "Now this is something I need to do something about" ?
Hey folks, the fleas were a mistake. Sorry. I stand by the cockroaches, though. Something has to survive your final nuclear war. If, Man forbid, it should come down to that.

[UncleBeer]

Hey GOD, still ducking the evolution/creatonism question? I know its a tough one but I need Your Word to shut these people up one and for all.

While I'm here, what's with the platypus? Did you just throw together something with all the leftover pieces?

And another one, just what is "Holy Shit?"

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Abstainer: a weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure.
- Ambrose Bierce

[aseymayo]

GOD saieth: "Grain-o-salt, people". Shouldn't that have been, "pillar-of-salt"?

If everything and everyone is merely an aspect of you, funny that you'd be described as a jealous god - "no other god" etc., etc.
Oh, I forgot - you're denying that you had any hand in the writing of the Bible. Those poor people were just hallucinating.

[GOD]

UncleBeer: I'm not ducking the question nor am I platypussing the question. The fact is that despite all evidence to the contrary, you folks are gonna believe what you want to believe. Whatever gets you through the night.
BTW, Holy Shit = Divine Excrement, of course.
It is nothing. Since I am everything, I excrete pure nothingness.
aseymayo: I didn't say I had no hand in it; I said it lost a lot in the translations. It wasn't very clear to the original writers, either. You know how hard it is to describe a dream accurately? Visions are a lot like that.

[t.g.]

Excuse me God, but I need to quote you here
God said
"Hey folks the fleas were a mistake . Sorry"

Does this mean that God is not perfect and All knowing or could it possibly mean that < gasp, horror> God isn't REALLY GOD but instead is god or even a regular person <shudder>
Hey how often do you get the chance to pick on God, uh God YOU know I'm joking right please say you do.

[Czarcasm]

I have a delivery of one lightning bolt for a mister t.g.
Sign here please________________________.

Thank you

[t.g.]

Uh, Slythe, it's Ms. t.g. and my mommy won't let me sign for deliveies

[Czarcasm]

It's o.k.
We're UPS.
We'll let ANYBODY sign for deliveries. You. Your next door neighbor. A total stranger. Your dog.
If nobody signs, we'll just leave it on the front porch, in full view.
We're UPS. We deliver. Whether you want it or not. ;).

[Lynn Bodoni]

"Hey folks, the fleas were a mistake. Sorry. I stand by the cockroaches, though. Something has to survive your final nuclear war. If, Man forbid, it should come down to that."

Nothing personal, GOD, but I'm gonna eliminate every flea and cockroach I can. My kitten has volunteered his services to help me search out and destroy cockroaches, so I guess that they DO serve a good purpose. But if I see a roach, I'm gonna step on it.




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Lynn the Packrat

[aseymayo]

Lynn - have you considered wearing high heels while stomping those roaches and video taping it? You might be able to make a few bucks.

[HubZilla]

GOD, when football players give You credit for winning a game, would it be true that You forsook the losing team?

[UncleBeer]

Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.
* Benjamin Franklin

[aseymayo]

Now, GOD - first you say you've maintained a strictly hands-off, non-interference policy since Creation, then you say you did have a hand in the creation of the Bible. Isn't that interference?

As for mistranslations and poor interpretations in the Bible - you certainly managed to get the 10 Commandments across loud and clear. Or did Moses dream those up himself?

[UncleBeer]

Thanks for the reply GOD. I used to talk to you often in my younger and more foolish days. This is the first time you have ever replied. Must be the new fractional T1 line. The other stuff is probably still clogged up in the GTE's telepone lines.
All hail the bandwidth.

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Abstainer: a weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure.
- Ambrose Bierce

[Bluepony]

You're not God. God loves the seventh-inning stretch, ball park hot dogs, and the look that kids have going to their first live ballgame. God invented the special sound of real wood smacking a baseball and the smell of oiled, leather mitts.
No way man, you're not God.

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"...send lawyers, guns, and money..."

Warren Zevon

[Gilligan]

Forgive me, GOD, if you've been asked this a million times already, but, what do people say to you when you sneeze?

Bluepony said:You're not God. God loves the seventh-inning stretch, ball park hot dogs, and the look that kids have going to their first live ballgame. God invented the special sound of real wood smacking a baseball and the smell of oiled, leather mitts.
No way man, you're not God.
I just got all misty eyed. -Sniff- -Sniff-
I bet you LOVED "Field of Dreams."

Adam

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"Life is hard...but God is good"

[Steelwhip]

God

What are you were doing when women scream your name at climax?

[Steelwhip]

God
Please give us a edit button.

[Dapy Man]

BTW, that holy shit thing came from an actual event. In one defenistration (sp) a guy, (who's name I cant remember), was prevented from certain death because he landed in a huge pile of shit. He decided it was the work of god. Well, was it?

[GOD]

aseymayo: No, not interference. They caught glimpses of me on their own. Moses was a straight-up guy but suffered a bit of grandiosity that got downright delusional. The Top 10 were mostly pretty good, but some didn't make much sense. For instance, who could I be jealous of?

Gilligan: They name it "Hurricane_________"

Steelwhip: What am I doing then? Enjoying it immensely, of course.

Dapy Man: Shit happens.

[dawnbird]

GOD, how do I know which description of you is right? I rejected the one crammed down my throat for fifteen years because it sounded like nonsense, but the world is so cool that I'm pretty sure you (or all of you) exist. I just can't prove it.

Will I rot in firey hell because I didn't find the right discription in time, or is that just more nonsense? If souls are eternal the whole "redemption prior to death" law is stupid, mean, and unGODlike.

What's your stand on highlighters; can I use them on religous texts to key in on stuff I don't understand? If I don't know whether to believe the text, am I commiting sacrilege or studying? My childhood preacher told me that whole idea came about when people couldn't afford to buy their own copies, so the ones who could read used a church library.

Does asking such questions make me evil and faithless or does it make the faith I will eventually adopt stronger? I've heard it both ways.

p.s. I'm working on the whole swearing thing, but bad habits are hard to break.

p.p.s. Please tell the va to approve my college money. I'm woefully uneducated and what learning I do have has long since gone to the bad place.

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possibly the world's only naive cynic

[GOD]

dawnbird: I like people who ask a lot of questions. You're in.