Peeing at Night

[Jake]

When you get up to pee
In the middle of the night
Do you put on your glasses
And turn on the light?

Or stumble in darkness
Toilet in mind
and fall on your keister
Because you were blind?

This question we settle:
And now I ask you
Ass over teakettle?
Or clear path to loo?

Me- I prefer darkness
And must, you see
In darkness I wander
Or in bed I will pee.

Or in other words, do you turn on the light when you get up to take a wizz at night? If I do, it takes me forever to get back to sleep.

[gigi]

Absolutely not; I try to remain half-asleep so I can return to catatonia as easily as possible. If I need to see, I wear all-the-time contacts so that's no problem.

I never understand movies when the phone rings and people feel compelled to turn on the bedside lamp to answer it. That burns your eyes out and wakes you up way too much. I know it's to make the scene more interesting, but does anyone actually do this?

[eviladam, part 2]

the tub is an easy target, even with the lights off.

[Hal Briston]

I like still in bed
Just to wait and see
If it's a false alarm
Or an emergency

If it cannot wait
Because it's the latter
I begin my quest
To relieve my bladder

I slip out of bed
Now don't wake the spouse!
And quietly slink
To the back of the house

No light switch is flicked
I move by sense of touch
Do I make any noise?
Well, a little -- not much

A nightlight guides me
To my ultimate goal
That welcoming sight:
The porcelain bowl

I groggily whizz
While I sway to and fore
Ah, damnit! I slopped,
Got some pee on the floor

I straighten my aim
While still thinking of bed
When our quizzical cat
Gets piss on his head

I swipe at the beast
But I miss by a mile
Then I slip on the pee
That's all over the tile

Pee-soaked and bruised
Too tired to care
Don't bother to clean
Just leave it sit there

I sleepily climb
Into our queen-sized cot
Only to find
The dog's stolen my spot

[whiterabbit]

I do turn on the light in the bathroom, because for some reason, dark bathrooms scare me a bit. I'm weird. But if I had a bedside phone and got a call I wouldn't turn on the light unless the reason for the call was the sort that means I'm not getting back to sleep for awhile no matter what.

[Batsinma Belfry]

I keep a flashlight by the bed just for that purpose. Otherwise, I'll trip over the animals who think it's breakfast time just because I'm up.

[Mr. Blue Sky]

I don't turn on the lights or even put on my glasses.

[Podkayne]

I turn on the light in the bathroom because it's windowless and extremely dark, and there are some parts of the household where I don't wanna be gropin' my way around, ya know?

However, I did pick up a great trick from another Doper. I can never remember who I hear these lifesaving tips from, damnit—whoever you are, I apologize!

Anyway, before you turn on the light, close one eye. If you keep it closed, you keep your dark adapation in that eye! Then when you turn out the light and grope your way through the dark bedroom, you have an eye that works! It's really freakin' keen! This is also helpful at the observatory.

[Frank]

I turn on a light because there's an awkward turn on the way that my poor toes are very upset that my body can't memorize.

[Jake]

I like still in bed
Just to wait and see
If it's a false alarm
Or an emergency

If it cannot wait
Because it's the latter
I begin my quest
To relieve my bladder

I slip out of bed
Now don't wake the spouse!
And quietly slink
To the back of the house

No light switch is flicked
I move by sense of touch
Do I make any noise?
Well, a little -- not much

A nightlight guides me
To my ultimate goal
That welcoming sight:
The porcelain bowl

I groggily whizz
While I sway to and fore
Ah, damnit! I slopped,
Got some pee on the floor

I straighten my aim
While still thinking of bed
When our quizzical cat
Gets piss on his head

I swipe at the beast
But I miss by a mile
Then I slip on the pee
That's all over the tile

Pee-soaked and bruised
Too tired to care
Don't bother to clean
Just leave it sit there

I sleepily climb
Into our queen-sized cot
Only to find
The dog's stolen my spot

TOUCH'E!
Your poetry leaves me in total awesomness!

[enipla]

It's probably an American or USA thing but many houses have a master bedroom with a bathroom. Commonly refered to as a 'Master Bath'. The door to the bathroom is only a few steps from my side of the bed, I never need to turn on a light to find it. Though I do turn on the light in the bathroom.

I suspect we will live in this house for a long time. If/when we move into another, I'll want it to have a master bathroom.

I sleepily climb
Into our queen-sized cot
Only to find
The dog's stolen my spot

Beautiful. And often true.

[Anaamika]

I do turn on the light in the bathroom, because for some reason, dark bathrooms scare me a bit. I'm weird. But if I had a bedside phone and got a call I wouldn't turn on the light unless the reason for the call was the sort that means I'm not getting back to sleep for awhile no matter what.
You must be me! I feel exactly the same way.

[Kilvert's Pagan]

Always in the dark.

And since our "seat default" is "down", always sitting. That way I don't even have to TRY to aim. :D

[Amaranta]

There are few things I hate more than waking up in the middle of the night, having to go pee. There's that 30 seconds or so while you realise you're awake. Then there's the "Huzzahwhuzzah? Why am I awake? Not the alarm, it's still dark out. Musta been a noise or something - wait, no. Gotta go pee. Dammit!!". And yah, another half minute spent trying to figure out whether you really have to go. And then you think about how cold it'll be when you get out of bed, and how cozy you really are, and how long it's going take you to fall back to sleep. Then you stumble to the bathroom in the dark, tripping over things like your own feet, and do your business, and all the while I'm sitting there peeing I'm half-awake and pinching my leg to make sure I'm actually awake and not peeing the bed (which is strange, because I was never a bed-wetter as a kid, I've just heard too many horror stories of people thinking they were awake and dreaming about getting up and walking to the bathroom but actually still being asleep and peeing the bed, which I don't know if that even happens, but I'm paranoid), and then you wash your hands, and the water is either cold and shocks you awake or very hot and it burns you, and I've got some compulsion that requires me to moisturize my hands after every time I wash them, so I'm searching around the cabinet for hand cream and OW safety pin OW, and then stumbling back to bed, and lying there for half an hour staring at the ceiling, COMPLETELY AWAKE.

The weird thing is, this getting up to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night thingy is a recent experience for me. I don't know if I spent the first 20 years of my life very dehydrated, or what, but it's only in the last year or so I've ever woken up in the night having to pee. And when you consider I'm actually in bed for far fewer hours now that I ever was as a child, it makes even less sense.

[MLS]

If I'm alone, I turn the light on. If my husband is already asleep, no. However, I know the exact sequence of steps and turns, and objects to feel for in the dark so I don't bump into them and cause a ruckus that would be more trouble than the light. I am sometimes literally tripped up, however, by some cat that is lying in the middle of the hall for no apparent reason.

[blondebear]

I have a friend
Who I'd like to throttle
He won't walk down the hall--
He pees in a bottle!

[Revenant Threshold]

I turn on the light, 'cos for some reason bugs LOVE our bathroom. And bugs = ew. I don't put on my glasses, though.

[Shagnasty]

I never understand movies when the phone rings and people feel compelled to turn on the bedside lamp to answer it. That burns your eyes out and wakes you up way too much. I know it's to make the scene more interesting, but does anyone actually do this?

I see you understand the concept of a "sleep return window". You can go straight back to sleep if you aren't past a certain point of awake. My wife has no idea what I am talking about when I mention that. Sometimes I will wake up a little and she will see that and say something. I have tried to explain to her that those thoughts and mini-conversations must be kept to less than one minute and ideally less than 30 seconds. She things that all awakes are equal and I have had to resort to full dramatics to get her to be quiet when she is about to blow my window.

[whiterabbit]

I see you understand the concept of a "sleep return window". You can go straight back to sleep if you aren't past a certain point of awake. My wife has no idea what I am talking about when I mention that. Sometimes I will wake up a little and she will see that and say something. I have tried to explain to her that those thoughts and mini-conversations must be kept to less than one minute and ideally less than 30 seconds. She things that all awakes are equal and I have had to resort to full dramatics to get her to be quiet when she is about to blow my window.

I don't have that window. If I'm awake, I'm awake. My SO, however, does. I wish I could do that.

[gooftroopag]

I stumble blind into the bathroom and turn the lights on to check for murderers and other thugs that might hide in the bathroom while I sleep. After making sure I'm alone I close my eyes and go about my business only to open them briefly to wash my hands, turn out the light, and return to bed. Once there, I squeeze into the corner that the cats and husband left for me and fall back asleep.

[Zabali_Clawbane]

I leave the lights off, and glasses off. I don't need to see to get around a house that's familiar to me for simple things like going to the bathroom. If I'm in an unfamiliar house, I might put on my glasses and go slowly by touch so I don't wake up my hosts.

[Lakai]

I have a night light in the bathroom. It makes things easier.

Though sometimes my eyes aren’t adjusted well enough to see in the bathroom so I just take a shot in the dark. If I miss once, I adjust my aim and try again. If I miss again, I turn on the lights.

Excellent poem Hal Briston. The stuff about pissing on your cat’s head but being too sleepy to care was hilarious.

[AHunter3]

Once in the darkness (at cold and dismal hour)
I thought to rise, although my mood was sour
An urgency did just begin
To banish sleep from deep within
I moved the covers back, my face was dour

A maze of dirty clothes and shoes challenged my feet
As awkwardly I slipped from 'neath the sheet
I stumbled forward tripped and, well,
I clutched the dresser ere I fell
And stubbed my toe there, and it weren't a treat

My pad, it comes equipped with slinky cat
Who likes to weave between my legs, and that
Due mostly to my sleepy state
Annoyed me, made me most irate
I briefly wished to hold a baseball bat

On task I focus, one hand on the wall
I shuffle in the darkness down the hall
The doorknob to my finger's touch
Doth make me savor very much
The moment when the arc begins to fall

I'm lazy, true, (or so it has been said)
And maybe not OK within the head
Do I detect the cover's weight?
My voyage in a dreaming state
While actually I'm still within my bed?

It seems to me I have attained my goal
The shape before me seems to be the bowl
But dare I let go, dare I pee,
What if this is illusory?
Bedwetter just is not my fav'rite role

[Kitchen Wench]

At 4:30 this morn
I woke with a start.
Not because I had to pee
But for fear of a wet a fart.

Dreading the chill
of the cold wood floor,
I tiptoed my way
through the bedroom door.

Darkness not a worry
as we keep a lamp lit.
My buttocks got goosebumps
as I began to sit.

A pee was commencing
and then something more,
an eerie groan from my belly
warned I had more in store.

"Oh what had I eaten?" I pondered in gloom,
to bring me so early to this unglamourous room.
"Doesn't matter, silly girl" said my gurgling belly.
"I get irritable when your stressed or relaxed, watching telly."

I waited for the fallout, dread filling my soul.
I expected to spackle my freshly-scrubbed bowl.
And then just a whisper, a titter, a squeak
came forth from between my pasty-white cheeks.

Ah! False alarm! I almost cackled with glee...
It seemed I indeed, just needed to pee.
I cleaned myself up, and went back to my bed,
snuggled under my blanket, the cat purred at my head.

Drifting back softly to slumber and bliss,
I jolted awake, something definitely amiss.

This time I sprinted,
No time to waste.
I had to get to the bathroom
And quick! Post haste!

No false alarm, I was certain of that.
I sat on the toilet, and proceeded to crap.
Lava is what I thought it must be,
My ass was on fire, ringing alarms of three. [ok, I'm stretching a bit here]

And when I was done, I had more pain to endure
My soft toidy paper turned into 20-grit, I was was sure.
And so, dear friends this is how I've come
To tell you early in the morning of my poor, painful bum.

Damn you, IBS! Damn you to HELL!

[drewbert]

I don't touch the lights until I get back to the entrance to the bedroom. In the dark I can't see whatever might be left on the floor (including the cat), nor can I judge the distance to the bed. My solution is to flip the light on for about half a second - long enough to register a path back, short enough not wake me up any further.

[Jayn_Newell]

I usually turn the bathroom light on. As Podkayne put it, there's some parts of the house you don't want to be groping around. Now that I'm living in res it's probably a better idea (not that I have to go in the middle of the night very often), because you never know when someone has left the toilet seat up.

[gouda]

Damn you, IBS! Damn you to HELL! I'm going to show this to my mom, who also has IBS. I truly sympathise with you...

No lights for me. I'll barely peek through one eye to find my way to and from the toilet.

[Annie-Xmas]

I don't turn the light in my apartment. I sleep on a mat about 10 feet from the bathroom.

I don't even turn the bathroom light on at work. It's not like anything has moved since I was last in there.

[Annie-Xmas]

I sleepily climb
Into our queen-sized cot
Only to find
The dog's stolen my spot

Finally get into bed
But to get back to sleep
After such an ordeal
I have to count sheep.