View Full Version : Help me start a cult
11-20-2005, 01:26 AM
We have a Manifestation on the concrete wall in the stairwell at work. It's a remarkably accurate picture of a partially erect penis, complete with testicles; the perspective is such that it's coming RIGHT...AT...YOU!! The detail is amazing; you can tell it's circumsized. Sadly, I don't have access to a digital camera or I'd post pictures.
My crew (consisting of a flaming gay atheist, a lax Methodist married to an Asatru, a devout Catholic, a loud brash ballsy broad to whom the phrase "Heaven doesn't want her and Hell is afraid she'll take over" very aptly applies, and little ol' pagan me) would like to start a Cult of the Watermark Willie. Our theme song is going to be Monty Python's "Isn't It Awfully Nice to Have a Penis." Activity Night will be on alternate Mondays, when we'll sing our song and make condom balloon animals.
I need help coming up with a Mythos for the Mystical Watermark Willie. Also a list of traits the Willie possesses, Miracles it can perform, and emails we can sent to our co-workers to combat the never-ending deluge of Jesus spam we keep getting (disclaimer: we have no intention of actually sending religious penis spam, but it's fun to think about). Help us to become obnoxious Witnesses to the Willie. If our fund-raising drive is successful we will soon be able to give toaster ovens to every new convert.
11-20-2005, 02:59 AM
The Cult of the Flying Spaghetti Monster called. They found a calamari in the spaghetti and asked if you want it back.
11-20-2005, 03:12 AM
If nothing else, Ole Willie has at least one thing over on Jesus... he can rise more than once, and it doesn't take him 3 days.
11-20-2005, 03:35 AM
The Supreme Being, the Giant Mushroom Head (all hail!), is the original giver-of-life. He lives somewhere in Washington State, and has been unseen for millenia, but his presence has recently been made known via a stained wall.
He has decreed that his likeness be called Watermark Willie, since it's really a pain in the ass to always have to say 'all hail!' whenever you say his real name, the Giant Mushroom Head (all hail!).
Our creation story: Millions of years ago the Giant Mushroom Head (all hail!) plunged head-first into the warm, soft nether-regions of Mother Earth. He pounded her and pounded her until the life-giving seed erupted from his Giant Mushroom Head (all hail!). The Mass Conception took place on Monday, August 15. Mondays are the cult's sabbath.
The Birth of Mankind took place about nine months later when the first lifeform came squirting out of the Mother's Primordial Cooze (all hail!). The birth was a little premature, so the Earth Birth is celebrated on May 2-- the highest of the holy days. (There were 364 holy days originally, but in the Middle Ages, the monks realized that the one non-holy day was such an anomily, that they made it a holy day too.)
The Giant Mushroom Head (all hail!) has also stated that a likeness of the Mother's Primordial Cooze (all hail!) will manifest itself as a stain on the tub of a Cuban in early 2007. It shall be called "Rust Stain Poontang."
Hope that helps.
11-20-2005, 03:55 AM
Happy Lendervedder, that is a thing of beauty. Would you care to contribute to our Kegs for Kiddies fund?
11-20-2005, 03:58 AM
Our Dickhead is better than the one in the White House:
It isn't looking for weapons of mass destruction, it IS a weapon of mass destruction.
When it fucks you over, at least it will feel good.
Unlike FEMA, it won't take weeks to come.
11-20-2005, 05:16 AM
And Marlitharn, you are the five disciples the prophets talked about:
From the Book of Neil and Bob 24:2-7
2 And there will come a day when the likeness is discovered by a group of five.
3 There will be a skeptic; a flamboyant lad who has unknowingly worshipped at the alter of the Giant Mushroom Head (all hail!) for years, partaking in the Communion of the Seed over and over and over and over. He will be the high-priest, teaching the High Mass to the newly-converted.
4 There will be one who is married to a heathen, whose beliefs originate in the Land of Ice. This husband and wife team will serve as the Mother's surrogate.
5 There will be one who prays to the Virgin and plays Bingo every Wednesday. This one will bestow the honorable feeling of 'guilt' to believers and non-believers alike.
6 There will be one who is very loud, often breaking into showtunes and dance-- the spirit of the Mushroom (all hail!) moves her. Her actions will strike fear into both the good and the evil. She takes no shit from no one. But she will be the mouthpiece of the church.
7 And finally, there will be the pagan, the original child of The Mother, the keeper of all knowledge. The horse whisperer.
11-20-2005, 05:33 AM
The last time I tried to whisper to a horse it bit me. So I got louder.
The First United Church of the Giant Mushroom Head (all hail!): Our Communion is more fun than your Communion!
He can transform water into beer just by stirring. Whether or not you want to drink it when he gets done, well, that's a test of a true believer.
11-20-2005, 09:21 AM
This site (http://www.cultcontrol.com/) may come in handy for you.
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