I pit my bro

[smiling bandit]

My brother did something bad.

Very bad.

He seems to have gotten a girl pregnant. He's just hit 19. He's at college. He's been there less than one year and now this. :rolleyes:

I could go on and on about why this is a bad thing, why was he doing this, he's an idiot, and if he was going to completely ignore the beliefs of our faith why would he do so selectively, etc.

But I'm not going to say that. I'm not married. Hopefully will be someday. No other siblings. Mom is upset, although like me she doesn't show it much. We know that there's little point in worrying if we can't do anything. But here's the deal: she may now become a grandmother, and this is going to taint the whole affair (no pun intended).

The day she becomes a grandma should be one of the happiest in her life, and I'm not sure it will be now. She's never even met this girl (again, other side of country). We don't know if she ever will, since said girl isn't sure if she wants to keep on with bro. So now she may have a grandson/daughter, without ever seeing said kid. That's not fair to her, or to the possible future kid.

I am not a man of violence. I do, however, wish to shake bro violently and smack him upside the head. repeatedly. At length.

But mostly, I'm just disappointed. Bro is one of those people with immense brains - which he never sits down and uses. And he is not ready to be a father. Heck, he's apparently not even ready to go to college.

[SentientMeat]

The very bad thing was having sexual intercourse as a 19 year old adult, right?

If not, and the very bad thing was getting someone up the duff, this could have been either a condom malfunction or forgetfulness on her part, neither of which can in fairness be laid wholly at his door. Your brother might need some support right now himself, especially if he really is going to become a father.

[tdn]

I'm not sure I get it. Is the child already born? Does your brother know this for sure? You don't seem to, based on your post.

And while this may be hard on your mother, and may upset you enough to be pitworthy, your reaction seems to be an overreaction. Is it because the most natural thing that can happen to humans doesn't conform to your family values?

[Euthanasiast]

With all due respect, this hasn't a thing to do with your mother or her feelings on the issue. This is about a man and a woman who need to come to an understanding that is mutually beneficial to the three people that actually matter in this situation.

[DooWahDiddy]

The very bad thing was having sexual intercourse as a 19 year old adult, right?

If not, and the very bad thing was getting someone up the duff, this could have been either a condom malfunction or forgetfulness on her part, neither of which can in fairness be laid wholly at his door. Your brother might need some support right now himself, especially if he really is going to become a father.

What's wrong with having sex at 19? For better or worse, this is pretty common in the U.S. (and sometimes considered to be late in life!). I'm not saying I condone it (and my disclaimer is that I don't have kids and do not plan to), but 19 seems like an age at which one should be ready for sex.

However, to the OP, if your brother didn't use protection then yes, he needs to be beat upside the head multiple times. Best of luck to him.

[SentientMeat]

What's wrong with having sex at 19?Absolutely nothing, in fact I favour an age of consent of 14 as in many states with a teenage pregnancy rate of a fraction (http://www.advocatesforyouth.org/publications/factsheet/fsest.htm) of those in the US.

I'm merely trying to find exactly what the very bad thing is, according to the OP.

[Giraffe]

I could go on and on about why this is a bad thing, why was he doing this, he's an idiot, and if he was going to completely ignore the beliefs of our faith why would he do so selectively, etc.Let me guess: abstinence-only, wait-until-marriage, can't-talk-about-condoms-because-kids-might-use-them sex "education"? This is why it doesn't work. When a horny teenager's resolve weakens, they're completely unprepared to protect themselves against pregnancy and disease. So they just go for it, and get pregnant before they're ready to have kids.

Your brother is definitely an idiot, smiling bandit, but if he was denied access to real sex education, he's not the only one.

[Kimstu]

I could go on and on about why this is a bad thing, why was he doing this, he's an idiot, and if he was going to completely ignore the beliefs of our faith why would he do so selectively

Emphasis added. Sounds to me like smiling bandit is saying that in getting a girl pregnant, his brother "selectively ignored the beliefs" of their family's faith.

Suggests to me that maybe he's talking about Catholicism's prohibition of both premarital intercourse and the use of birth control, and saying that his brother "selectively" ignored the former prohibition while abiding by the latter one.

Which, if so, would indeed be a pretty idiotic thing to do. (Or does the "selectivity" have to do with the brother's attitude toward abortion rather than, or in addition to, birth control?)

However, we can't be sure unless bandit comes back with more details.

In any case, though, I find it hard to believe that bandit's mom is really more concerned about her own claims to "grandma" status, and whether such claims will be "tainted" by a grandchild's illegitimacy/remoteness, than about the serious difficulties confronting her own teenage son and his child and the child's mother. That would be like one of those self-obsessed "Bridezillas" who pitches a tantrum when a family member dies just before the wedding because "this is totally ruining my special day!!!" I think it's nice of bandit to be concerned on his mom's behalf about this comparatively minor issue, but yeah, she's probably not the person who most needs some support here.

[mhendo]

With all due respect, this hasn't a thing to do with your mother or her feelings on the issue. This is about a man and a woman who need to come to an understanding that is mutually beneficial to the three people that actually matter in this situation.Exactly.

[treis]

With all due respect, this hasn't a thing to do with your mother or her feelings on the issue. This is about a man and a woman who need to come to an understanding that is mutually beneficial to the three people that actually matter in this situation.

Don't try and paint this as a decision that his brother made and that his family needs to respect. He fucked up and that has ramifications for his family.

[tdn]

However, we can't be sure unless bandit comes back with more details.
Exactly.

We can ask him more questions, but until he comes back to clarify, I'd advise against participating in a pile-on in which we beat him about the neck and ears for his generous contributions to both Phred Phelps and Pat Robertson. We seem about 2 steps away from that.

[Euthanasiast]

Don't try and paint this as a decision that his brother made and that his family needs to respect. He fucked up and that has ramifications for his family.

How did you get that from what I posted? What I said was that the issue has nothing to do with his mother. Sure he made a mistake, but to sympathize with someone who has absolutely nothing to do with the pregnancy or how it came into being is irrational.

[saoirse]

Suggests to me that maybe he's talking about Catholicism's prohibition of both premarital intercourse and the use of birth control, and saying that his brother "selectively" ignored the former prohibition while abiding by the latter one.

I went to Catholic School and in 10th grade Biology I was specifically told that, while the Church considered birth control a sin, it was likely to be a long time before we could have any sex without sinning (even with the broadest possible definition of the word). We were then given information on each method of sinning, along with where each might be obtained, and failure rates. The failure rates were followed by the actual Church stance on brith control (at least at the time) which was that sex had to be open to the possibilty of procreation.

[Kalhoun]

I think he's feeling empathetic for his mom. I've known women who have been very bummed because they didn't get to grandmother a child that was put up for adoption or who split from the other parent. It's a sad situation, but families get through it every day.

The part about the OP that bothered me the most was the OP's reference to "our" faith. It doesn't sound like the father-to-be shares the same faith as the rest of the family. Even if he did, he's chosen, of his own free will, to ignore at least that part of the faith. Expecting another person (particularly an adult) to abide by your faith is inviting disappointment.

[pendgwen]

Well, I sympathize somewhat with the OP as my younger brother is currently in a similar situation. He's in his early twenties but very immature for his age. The woman in question already has a child from a previous oops pregnancy and had a miscarriage a few months ago so obviously she doesn't have her fertility under control. But I happen to know from previous conversations with my brother that he hates using condoms. I'm sure that he decided he'd rather risk becoming a father than wear a condom. But we the family are keeping our less positive reactions under wraps and being supportive of their decisions. They've decided to get married and mom's helping them plan the wedding. We're all admiring the untrasound pictures. That doesn't mean that privately I think he's any less of an idiot.

[burundi]

smiling bandit, I understand where you’re coming from. When my beloved little brother was 19 and in his first year of college, he also got a girl pregnant. Like you, I was upset and worried about how this would impact my family. But being mad at your brother won’t help anything. Barn doors, horses, and all that. Right now, I bet he’s scared and confused and could really use a big brother to lean on.

You say that your brother has done a bad thing. He hasn’t, not yet. He may have done a foolish thing and an irresponsible thing, but now he has the chance to do the right thing, by standing by this girl and their baby. My brother and his girlfriend decided to give their baby up for adoption. It was an incredibly difficult decision, but the best one I think they could have made. I have never been so proud of my brother. He was there at every doctor’s appointment, every meeting with the adoption counselors, etc. He was there when his son was born and when his son left with his new adoptive family.

Does it hurt knowing that I have a nephew I’ll never meet? Absolutely. But I’m not really the one who matters in this story. What matters is that my nephew has a stable, loving family who cherish him and desperately wanted him. What matters is that my brother is a good man who did the best thing he knew for his baby.

I’m not saying that your brother should give his child up for adoption. I’m not even saying that your brother’s girlfriend should have the baby. But whatever they decide to do, your brother will need the support and love of his own brother and mother.

[MelCthefirst]

With all due respect, this hasn't a thing to do with your mother or her feelings on the issue. This is about a man and a woman who need to come to an understanding that is mutually beneficial to the three people that actually matter in this situation.

On the other hand, in many cultures or/and when children have the children, parents are forced to be heavily involved in the upbringing. If I were the parent of teenagers, I think I'd want them to be very aware this. If they needed me to be a main care-giver, my advice and feelings would have to be taken into consideration.

[Green Cymbeline]

The woman in question already has a child from a previous oops pregnancy and had a miscarriage a few months ago so obviously she doesn't have her fertility under control.
God this type of thing really irks me.

I just took a good friend of mine to get an abortion. She already has two small children, the first of whom was an "oops" pregnancy.

In the most recent circumstance, she was living with her boyfriend (an unemployed alcoholic with a suspended license) and she got pregnant. After the abortion, they gave her a free pack of birth control pills. I asked her, "well you were on the pill before, right? And it just failed?" and she proceeds to tell me that no, she was never on the pill or any other BC, and that he was not using a condom...

:smack: :smack: :smack: :smack:

I couldn't believe her stupidity. I told her she NEEDS to get an IUD immediately (because I wouldn't trust her to take the pill). She hemmed and hawed over the IUD. Idiot. Then a few nights later she has a one-night stand with some other dude. I'm sure she'll end up pregnant with a bastard again.

In the second instance, my boyfriend married his ex-wife because of an "oops" pregnancy. They later separated and were in the process of a divorce when she had another "oops" pregnancy. DUH!? Don't these idiots know how babies are made? Don't they know how to learn from their previous mistakes??

[Gala Matrix Fire]

Just curious, is this his girlfriend or just some random woman? To me it makes a difference.

[burundi]

Originally posted by smiling bandit
She's never even met this girl (again, other side of country). We don't know if she ever will, since said girl isn't sure if she wants to keep on with bro. [emphasis added] So now she may have a grandson/daughter, without ever seeing said kid. That's not fair to her, or to the possible future kid.

I just wanted to add, smiling bandit, that if the girlfriend decides to keep the baby, your brother has both a right and an obligation to be involved in his kid's life. If she makes that choice, it's too late for her to decide that she doesn't want anything to do with your brother. She and your brother may not wind up together romantically, but he will always be the father of her child. If they do keep the baby, there's no reason why your mom shouldn't know her grandchild.

[smiling bandit]

Alright, let me lay out some things.

Bro is (apparently) Catholic. This is his first remotely serious relationship (his others have been 2-weekers, with presumably no sex involved). This was quite clearly an accident, and while I trust my bro to have fun and good off, my (very educated) guess is that he didn't even think about what he was doing.

In adittion, I may have been somewhat unclear about my feelings. I may very soon become an uncle. My family is very close-knit. Always have been. The thing I miss most is being close to my extended family. Mom, too. What does Bro do? He goes to colllege 1000 miles away. OK, not great, but we understand. Now this. Yeah, we're blood relatives to the kid, and we don't even know the mother. So yeah, that hurts. Me? I'll get over it. I'm not angry at my bro, except that maybe he won't be able to pay much child support right now.

Bro is not the kind of person to think about his actions. Ever. He just does (or doesn't do) something. If he thought about it at all, it was probably to make an excuse. He's definitely a live-for-today person. And it's true don't know the circumstances. Maybe they were drunk, or it was a moment of weakness. So I won't be too hard on him for that. But he knew this girl in the region of two months before they slept together. Maybe that's long enough for some of you. That's awfully short where I come from.

If they had been married, no prob. If they even decide they didn't care about getting married, I wouldn't like it but fine. If they had even thought about what they were doing, then I still woulldn't like it, but fine. But this is just like him: rush into something. But isn't something which can just be "fixed." Even if something happens and there's no child, my bro still played recklessly with this future on a whim, and played with the rest of the family even if he didn't realize it.

I just wanted to add, smiling bandit, that if the girlfriend decides to keep the baby, your brother has both a right and an obligation to be involved in his kid's life.

Unfortunately, he may not have said right. It depends on whether or not he gets visitation, and whether or not he wants it. And even if he does, we can't travel 1000 miles easily or often, especially to meet someone we barely know. And moving is really not an option.