Things I have learned from watching horror movies...

[Don Draper]

So I think this thread (http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=355754) has covered facts of life gleaned from Sci-fi. Now let's discuss what we've learned from the related genre - horror.

1. The rural southwestern states are infested with inbred cannibal clans living in primitive state of squalor. In fact, cannibal killer clans are more numerous in Texas than Mormons in Utah.

2. Most suburban community police departments are staffed by a bitter, teen-hating sheriff and one or two dumb-as-rock deputies, none of whom have had any training in actual law-enforcement techniques such as, for instance, the concept of calling for back-up when entering into a dangerous situation.

3. When fleeing from a blade-wielding psychopath or hideous mutant, make sure to stay on foot and don't even bother with your car - it will stall ALWAYS stall out.

4. Free advice to teenagers - don't drink alcohol, smoke cigarettes, use any illegal substance in any form, have sex, flirt, cuss, or demonstrate bad behavior in any way, or else a maniac will KILL YOU!

5. If a mystery person starts killing off your friends, it's a safe bet that it's connected to your own parents' dark scandalous secret past.

6. Little girls dressed up in 'babydoll' clothes are EVIL! EVIL! EVIL!!!!

7. All little boys have some form of ESP and are cognizant of restless spirits. When they whisper cryptic advice to you - listen up and heed them well.

8. When a maniac is running around town killing teenagers, it is simply useless to try to enforce a curfew. All the kids will sneak out and hold a rave in some locale conveniently close to where most of the killings took place. Despite the fact that all the kids in town show up to this party, adults - especially the police - will be oblivious to it until it's far too late.

9. Ancient Native Americans practiced some freaky-ass burial / funeral customs because their burial grounds are always infested by badass, nasty demons.

10. That ominous freaky rattling noise coming from behind the cupboard door that's freaking you out? It's just a cat.

[Zeldar]

Don't enter:

-- basements
-- sheds
-- old cottages
-- swamps
-- "empty" school buildings (especially gyms)
-- churches
-- junk yards
-- alleys
-- graveyards

Don't worry with a flashlight: wherever you point it, the light will go somewhere else.

[The Chao Goes Mu]

The words "I'll be fine", "Don't worry about me.", "Everything will be fine", "We/you're safe now", and any variation thereof are a harbinger of death.

The protagonist's love interest, if he/she does not turn out to be the killer, will invariably be slaughtered or severly wounded by the killer. (Usually slaughtered)

The killers in these flicks are immortal. No matter how many times you kill them they will keep returning over and over and over until they have become a ridiculous parody of themselves and their homicidal rampages become more comical than frightening.

[DogMom]

If you happen to be a really nice guy, and have a friend who seems to be at the center of a lot of mysterious killings, do not go to help them, warn them, or rescue them. Call 'em on the phone if you must, but get the hell out of town as fast as you can.
Going to help / warn / rescue your friend will only get you killed - probably before your friend even sees you or knows you're coming.

Large, old buildings, such as hotels and old "family" houses, are invariably haunted by something really pissed-off that will terrorize you and your family and then kill you, especially if they're also "secluded". Never take jobs at these locations, or buy them planning to "restore" them, or move into one if you inherited it. It'll just get you killed.

[Birdmonster]

Any summer retreat which may involve nighties & pillow-fights will also involve maiming

[Draelin]

Never steal a coffin from a man named Van Helsing.

Never read aloud from a book that appears to be covered in human flesh and/or written using some dark reddish-brown ink.

To expand upon what Art said--the first noise is the cat. The second noise is whatever is coming to kill you.

If your friend is bitten by a zombie, do both of you a favor and shoot him immediately. Do not wait for him to die and rise again because "he might be useful" before he turns.

Stay the hell away from Jamie Lee Curtis if you know what's good for you.

[Manatee]

The neighborhood crackpot/loon/alky isn't the killer no matter how much he seems like he is. He may have some good advice on catching or avoiding the killer, though.

Homocidal maniac on the loose? "Let's split up" is never good advice.

And for God's sake, people, turn on the friggin' lights when you walk into a room!

[NoClueBoy]

"I'll be right back!" = ::slash!::

[AuntiePam]

From the most recent episode of Supernatural:

When the window that you've closed and locked mysteriously opens, don't stick your head out to see what's going on.

Don't take your gun when you confront the guy who has telekinetic powers.

Don't ever try to reason with the crazy/enraged/possessed person. It never works.

[The Scrivener]

The Horror Film Herbal Dualism Principle: strange, offensively-smelling herbs are not to be worn around the neck (and especially if there's a chance you might be pregnant), unless the herb is garlic and you have some reason to suspect local vampirism.

If your best buddy is willing to bare-knuckle fight you for twenty minutes if that's what it takes to force you to try on a pair of cheap-ass sunglasses, maybe you should just try them on already.

Three things to steer clear of in a quaintly picturesque, isolated seaside village: 1) a local history in which a ruthless massacre was perpetrated by the villagers' ancestors against, say, shipwreck victims; 2) a tightly cohesive local power bloc of area merchants and politicos, who care more about the almighty buck than, say, the public safety of beachgoers; 3) overt displays of pagan good cheer and religious festivities, especially when staged in anticipation of an upcoming May Day. (Trust me on this one. They may put forth a merry olde song-and-dance routine or two, but if you're not one of them, you're in danger....)



References: Rosemary's Baby (& a zillion vampire flicks); They Live; and The Fog/Jaws/The Wicker Man.

[Don Draper]

One I just remembered - never, never, never go out of the house on any holiday, whether it be Halloween (http://imdb.com/title/tt0077651/?fr=c2l0ZT1kZnx0dD0xfGZiPXV8cG49MHxxPUhhbGxvd2VlbnxteD0yMHxsbT01MDB8aHRtbD0x;fc=1;ft=82;fm=1), Valentine's Day (http://imdb.com/title/tt0082782/?fr=c2l0ZT1kZnx0dD0xfGZiPXV8cG49MHxxPU15IEJsb29keSBWYWxlbnRpbmV8bXg9MjB8bG09NTAwfGh0bWw9MQ__;fc=1;ft =20) or even April Fool's Day (http://imdb.com/title/tt0090655/?fr=c2l0ZT1kZnx0dD0xfGZiPXV8cG49MHxxPUFwcmlsIEZvb2wncyBEYXl8bXg9MjB8bG09NTAwfGh0bWw9MQ__;fc=1;ft=20; fm=1). No holiday is complete without a psychotic axe murderer running around town randomly killing folks.

[Mr. Blue Sky]

Ladies, if you are wearing high heels or are in your pajamas/night gown, sometime during the night you WILL be chased down a rain-slicked street by a lunatic in a car. Despite this knowledge, you will not be unable to run off to the side, thus avoiding a deadly squishing.

[Linty Fresh]

When you mock the ugly/weird/blind kid and accidentally chase him off a cliff, that's rarely the end of it.

When some old Indian guy tells you not to disturb the resting spirits by trying to build your amusement park on the site of the Sioux massacre at the hands of the white man, he's probably just drunk. Then again, why take the chance?

Ugly, pimply, fat teenage guys are just begging to be axed in the face, especially if they are obnoxious.

Handsome, obnoxious, jocky teenage guys are just begging to be fed to a meathook, especially if they have sex.

As mentioned above, under no circumstances should coeds have sex in a horror movie. Unless they're snotty cheerleaders. Snotty cheerleaders might as well go ahead and get it while they can; they will probably be smacked in the head with a power saw, because as near as I can figure, horror movie scripts are written by ugly, pimply, fat, obnoxious teenage guys.

[Birdmonster]

Also, stop running upstairs to avoid the killer. You'll either leap out and hobble through the wilderness or be defenstrated. And yes, I really just wanted to write defenestrated. But really, don't run upstairs people. I don't know why this seems like a good idea.

When witnessing horrific disemboweling, do not shriek and stare. Silence & scurrying is a better option.

No matter how fast or slow you are, or how many times you fall over, the villian will always be roughly 4 seconds behind you.

[MacTech]

I don't remember the comedian who thought this one up, but it's rather amusing....

if you're being chased by an axe-murdering psycopath who kills teens for having sex, the best way to stop him is to have the most nubile, attractive woman in the movie have sex with the killer, he'll have no choice but to kill himself....

[Birdmonster]

The most obvious one: Mass murderers are never dead until you touch them or hover over them and they make one last attempt at killing you. Make certain to touch or hover, then finish the job.

[Mr. Blue Sky]

If you don't have a guarenteed dead body in front of you, the killer isn't dead (also applies to action/adventure movies).

[Linty Fresh]

If your goth friend gets laid and knows which wines go with what foods, it's because he's a vampire.

Vampires may or may not be able to withstand sunlight, depending on the lighting budget of the flick. If the vampire can't stand sunlight, you're in luck, because most vampires haven't figured out the old let's-brick-up-the-big-ass-tainted-window-in-our-secret-lair trick. Make sure you pack a stake and a brick in your vampire killing kit.

Avoid any location that happens to be located underneath a fog bank, in an isolated desert town, or Antarctica.

The best scientific discoveries usually want to kill you and take over your planet.

[Zeldar]

If your ultrasounds start showing a lot of extra parts, dark and unresolved areas, funny shapes, or otherwise fast-growing appendages, it's time to consider an abortion. Otherwise the Seed of Satan will most likely have you running weird errands and buying strange groceries before it decides to eat you.

Whatever you decide to name it, opt against Damien.

And if there are a bunch of peculiar sounds coming from the next apartmant late at night, be sure your spouse is in bed. If not, get an abortion.

[Linty Fresh]

Invariably, the only one who knows what's going on is some whacked-out unstable-looking character whom no one would trust with a Matchbox Car. When the old weirdo who wears hipboots 365 days a year and collects severed rats' heads tells you not to shack up in that isolated cabin, he knows what he's talking about.

[mrunlucky]

The entire world is full of cupboards, closets, shelves, pantries, and any half-open area near or above head-level, with cats just ready to loudly leap out as soon as anyone is nearby.

Just because someone appears to be dead, doesn't mean they are dead.

Women always fall down when being chased, and are so uncoordinated, it takes them seemingly forever to get back up again.

Always turn on a light when entering a dark room.

Children are usually prone to possess psychic powers.

The blind are usually destined to be tormented.

Don't vacation on small islands, or at rural seaside towns, or at previously closed down summer camps.

Use maps and don't wander randomly through forests.

Bring a spare tire in the car. And if the car breaks down, and it's raining, just wait it out inside the car.

That house you passed back there on the road a while ago, is definitely not where you want to go for help.

Police in small towns will never believe your "story", and you cannot wait for them to help you out because by then it will be too late.

If you find guns, there won't be any ammo. But if do you find a gun with ammo, it will jam up.

Don't leave steak knives just laying about.

Never accept an invitation to spend the night at a haunted house, no matter how great the potential reward.

[brianjedi]

Anyone who participates in a discussion like this and names a specific mistake victims make will invariably die of the same mistake (I call this the Scream Rule.)

[Zeldar]

Anyone who participates in a discussion like this and names a specific mistake victims make will invariably die of the same mistake (I call this the Scream Rule.)

The trick to that is to name multiple options, not two of which can happen at the same time. This causes a wrinkle in the fabric of the universe and allows one to fall through undetected.

[kunilou]

If you have a friend who happens to be Black, stay far away from him, because he's going to be one of the first ones to die.

[RealityChuck]

Radiation causes insects and arachnids to grow to giant size. People, too, except when they shrink.

If someone says, "there are things man is not meant to know," it's probably a good idea to days, "You're probably right. I'll study something else instead."

[brianjedi]

If you have a friend who happens to be Black, stay far away from him, because he's going to be one of the first ones to die.

And if he happens to be wearing a red shirt, run far and run fast (this applies doubly in sci-fi horror films.)

[Linty Fresh]

If the writing is any more complicated than a Bazooka Joe bubble gum wrapper comic, you probably shouldn't read it out loud. This is especially true if the words are in Latin, Arabic, or Sumerian.

If you're dumb enough to read the hieroglyphics off the tomb wall out loud, you deserve whatever you get.

[Battle Pope]

Whenever a strange weapon is presented (e.g. a harpoon gun, flare gun, can opener, etc. take it! If you don’t, the killer will, and sooner or later the weapon will be used! Better you use it then the killer.

Old mines are boarded up for a reason.

Never go near a town that has a mental asylum and a hardware store in the same neighbourhood.

If your pets, or any animal nearby, begins acting edgy for any reason, take the hint and leave the vicinity with it.

If you open a partially closed door, don’t be surprised if a corpse falls out.

If it tastes like chicken, don’t ask for seconds.

If zombies appear in your neighbourhood make sure your lawn-mower is full of gas...

[Linty Fresh]

Whatever the scientist with the weird sexual habits involving sadism is working on all in his lab all night, it's probably not the latest breakthrough in dandruff control shampoo.

[Zeldar]

If your neighborhood has been hit with an unusual number of locusts, ants, bees, snakes, spiders, scorpions, crickets, rats, alligators, or hippopotomi, and you feel the urge to go out digging in the graveyard after midnight in a thunderstorm, please consider either taking someone else along or at least go armed with a working firearm.

If lightning strikes more than a few trees near your digging spot, weigh carefully the advantages to waiting until tomorrow to finish digging.

[Lumpy]

For some reason, simply fleeing the area is never an option. Most people feel it their duty to uncover the truth. And if they do try to get out of town, their car breaks down, the airport or roads are snowed in, or they impossibly find themselves back where they started.

[Scissorjack]

Psychotic killers never use guns, opting instead for a trademark modus operandi which frequently involves either power tools or cumbersome but distinctive edged weapons. Bloodthirsty loonies, however, are strict respecters of intellectual property, and will never trespass on another killer's trademark technique, despite the inconvenience involved in adopting ever more arcane and impractical gardening implements with which to wreak grisly havoc.

As a corollary, however, the Sheriff's Department will never visit the local hardware store or gardening centre to attempt to track down the killer: "The Gardener, you say? The feller that killed all them kids with a line trimmer on Arbour Day? Funny you should mention him - we sold the last line trimmer in the store to a tall pale skinny guy in a long black coat last Thursday, just before the killings started. Still got his credit card details, if you want 'em."

[Linty Fresh]

If you're working the graveyard shift in the insane asylum, getting stoned and taunting the inmates is a bad idea.

Bringing your girlfriend along on the graveyard shift in the insane asylum is also a bad idea, even though it always gets her horny.

Young, nubile women should just avoid the graveyard shift in the insane asylum, even if they happen to be nuns.

If something goes wrong during the graveyard shift in the insane asylum, under no circumstances should you phone 9-1-1. Instead, break a window and scream at passerby's for help. If they're in the habit of walking around insane asylums at 2 in the morning, they're probably used to dealing with emergency situations.

[Mr. Blue Sky]

If you think you see eerie, glowing eyes in that old abandoned house, you did. No matter what your Doubting Thomas friends may tell you. It was not your imagination, move on.

[Snooooopy]

As a corollary, however, the Sheriff's Department will never visit the local hardware store or gardening centre to attempt to track down the killer: "The Gardener, you say? The feller that killed all them kids with a line trimmer on Arbour Day? Funny you should mention him - we sold the last line trimmer in the store to a tall pale skinny guy in a long black coat last Thursday, just before the killings started. Still got his credit card details, if you want 'em."

Let that be a lesson to all the tall pale skinny guys in long black coats with an urge to kill ... PAY CASH!

[Linty Fresh]

If the armed maniac survives six shots to the face and keeps coming, throwing the gun at him probably isn't going to work either.

[Mr. Blue Sky]

If the armed maniac survives six shots to the face and keeps coming, throwing the gun at him probably isn't going to work either.

Nor will dry firing the weapon.

[Linty Fresh]

Don't go into the creepy mansion with anyone less slutty than you. I'm talking to you too, fellas! :dubious:

[NoClueBoy]

If the armed maniac survives six shots to the face and keeps coming, throwing the gun at him probably isn't going to work either.




And yet Superman would duck when one was thrown at him.









No screaming while the bus is in motion!

[Chefguy]

Never open any door only halfway, cuz when you close it again the murderer will be standing there with an axe, knife, or croquet mallet. Open it all the way to the wall to prevent this from happening.

Attics are right out. If you open an attic hatch, chances are you will be pulled up into it by unknown creepiness.

Kill all cats first. Cats will always jump out at you when least expected.

[MackoUr]

If you are a grad student or museum security guard, don't work the night shift when the lab or museum has just recieved an unknown biological speciman from the Antarctic / new species of insect from the Amazon / strange tribal statue from Africa.

If you are an avuncular older security guard who is working on such a night and you startle a beautiful grad student working late, walk out of the building immediately and go on vacation, otherwise she's just going to stumble upon your gruesomely mutilated body later.

[Talon Karrde]

If you're staying with a creepy old count, be CAREFUL not to cut your thumb with the knife at dinner.
(I actually don't remember how the events play out in that movie, but I think he would have been better off had he not cut his thumb.)

[Sunspace]

If you find a forgotten box under the stairs or buried in a field, and the box is chained tight and locked with a hundred-year-old sign saying DO NOT OPEN THIS BOX, the people who wrote the sign probably knew what they were writing about. This goes for walled-up doors and windows as well.

If your mate/family member/co-worker/friend/frat buddy/lab partner/graduate assistant returns from a long trip to an unusual destination, and exhibits different personality traits, take him or her to a professional for a thorough mental and physical checkup. It could be a brain tumor, it could be toxoplasmosis... or it could be pod people plotting.

If your car goes off the road in a snowstorm and you are rescued by a homely yet oddly-enthusiastic nurse who claims to be a fan, make sure that you file a trip plan with relatives/your agent/friends/police/rangers, and that your cellphone is charged and has good signal reception, then hide it. You will need an unmonitored method of communication.

Always explore caves and unknown ruins just behind another party who are either extremely greedy or of the currently-recognised enemy tribe. They will be attacked first.

[astorian]

If you have a friend who happens to be Black, stay far away from him, because he's going to be one of the first ones to die.


Ice Cube in "Anaconda"?

Ken Foree in "Dawn of the Dead"?

[saoirse]

Oh, I've enjoyed some of the worst slasher flicks in history. I have learned:

1) If you run out of gas, and your boyfriend has to walk to the next service station, it is NOT a good time to take off your clothes and go for a walk in the woods.

2) If you are a prety girl in a location where a terrible atrocity occurred years ago, do not take off your clothes for any reason. Even an innocent shower will get you hacked up.

3) He's not dead yet.

4) If you're a pretty OK guy, but also smoke pot and have sex, you'll be the last to die. Your geeky friend who does neither will survive, along with that girl who has not taken off her clothes since she hit puberty. Just remember: you will die. Try to be noble about it and die saving your friend.

5) He's not dead yet.

6) If you're raped by a mantis from outer space, you should really consider abortion as an option. Pope Benedict himself won't hold it against you.

7) He's not dead yet.

8) If you're going to go through the trouble of replacing your hand with a chainsaw, try to hang on to it.

9) If your girlfriend falls and is inexplicably unable to get up, you will not live if you leave her there. You may not live anyway, but if you leave her there you're definitely going to wind up with something sharp in you. And then you will die a little more slowly than everyone else did.

10) I think he's dead. Finally....

[Superdude]

Never try to reason with the killer. Chances are, it's like trying to build a thermonuclear device out of toilet paper rolls.

If you manage to kill the killer, chances are he has a protoge.

[Ranchoth]

Always push around, mock and disperage the timid, nervous little guy who doesn't look like he'll ever fight back. I mean, who cares about him? It's not like anything bad'll come back to you or anything you ever loved or cared about. [Note: this also applies to sci-fi, comics, and anime.]

The local guy who seems to be the most sympathetic and helpful is usually in cahoots with the killer/monster/ghosts/cultists.

Don't open a vampire's grave a night. (Think about it.)

If you're a mad scientist, chain the experiment to the table. I don't care if it's your own five year old daughter. I don't care if you already have the strap restraints that came with the hospital bed you bought. It's not enough. Get something that could hold a grizzly down, and make sure the locks can't be undone by some well-meaning doofus who only sees a poor cuddly animal or their best friend being imprisoned in a lab, not UberSoldat Prototype #499.

Slow, shambling serial killers can teleport. So if you think you've lost one back in an ally, he'll be waiting in the nearest darkened doorway when you stop to catch your breath after sprinting two blocks away from him.

[bup]

Don't be black.

Especially not in the part of the movie before the opening credits roll.

[Seven]

1) If one day the world seems strange and people aren't interacting with you how they once were,.. YOU are the ghost.

Just relax and follow the little blonde girl towards "the light".


2) If needed, find a black woman from Louisiana. It doesn't matter what line of work she's in she'll be well versed in Voodoo spells and can mix you up a potion lickity-split.

3) If you never see his mother and only hear her, that's because she's dead. He's keeping her body in the bedroom and mimicing her voice.

[Scissorjack]

If you have a friend who happens to be Black, stay far away from him, because he's going to be one of the first ones to die.

The Sacrificial Negro, or Askia's Law (http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=289371)

The Devil clearly has far too much time on his hands if he has nothing better to do than pester suburban middle-American families.

[Lightnin']

When you've knocked the bad guy down with a well-placed shovel to the face, keep hitting. Don't stop hitting until the head is finely-ground hamburger. Use the blade of the shovel to separate the tenderized parts from the rest of the body, and then start working on the body.

Shoot the bad guy in the head, if you've got a gun. Don't bother shooting them in any other part of the body, unless it's too slow them down so you can then shoot them between the eyes. If they can get back up after a good shot to the head, the gun wouldn't have done you any good, anyway. Now you know.

Speaking of guns, once you've shot the bad guy and he's down on the ground and clearly dead- KEEP SHOOTING. Empty your gun into him, then reload and repeat. No court in the land would convict you for unnecessary roughness, if you're in the situation in which this is necessary.

[dotchan]

For Og's sake, do not buy the following, no matter how persuasive the salesman or how cheap the object:

*Talking dolls
*Strange and unusual pets (especially if they're the latest hot trend)
*Board games from the curio store (heck, anything from the curio store is bad news)
*Oddly shaped trinkets; the more convoluted the shape, the worse Horror From Beyond will be summoned
*Books not written in English
*Artifacts from ancient, extinct, and/or obscure cultures
*That one thing you've always wanted but never been able to afford

...or any combination of the above.

[Zeldar]

When you've knocked the bad guy down with a well-placed shovel to the face, keep hitting. Don't stop hitting until the head is finely-ground hamburger. Use the blade of the shovel to separate the tenderized parts from the rest of the body, and then start working on the body.



Don't let me interrupt, but you just have to have seen Jack Bauer pull this very trick off in The Vanishing. It's been on lately on cable. Keifer has that Jack Bauer glee on his face when he slams the shovel into The Dude's mouth. Class!

[BrainGlutton]

Supernatural forces, like natural forces, appear to follow definite laws and rules. Do [b]not,[b] however, assume you can know what those laws are or how to turn them to your advantage. The action you take to put down the evil spirit might be the very thing that gives it even greater power. The unspeakable nighted grimoire you had the luck to find might be the equivalent of a book on chemistry written before the conception of the atomic theory. And remember that all laws of supernature are subject to revision at any time on the whim of the screenwriter.

[OtakuLoki]

If one is in the library at the University, and the librarian sees that you've just found a fascinating book that had been apparantly mis-filed and freaks out...

Do not argue about giving the book back.

Do not try to complain to the head librarian about the book that you want to read.

If your SO is a librarian's assistant, do not ask him or her to sneak back into the reserved collection to bring the book back out to you. (Unless you were planning to dump him or her anyways. And I do mean *dump* as in, dumping the body.)

If you are a librarian's assistant: Quit immediately. It's the only that might keep you from being the first victim.

If after having found, and read, the forbidden book you're invited to join an expedition to some fascinating locale, do not take up the University on this offer. It's just a clever way to get rid of you without leaving a body on campus.

If the University in question is Miskatonic University in Arkham, Massachusetts...


commit suicide, now. It'll be much less painful. Really.

[Labtrash]

If you open a medicine cabinet, DON'T CLOSE IT ! The killer will be right behind you, reflected for all to see.

[Zeldar]

If you get a real sweet job offer to act as custodian for an out-of-the-way luxury hotel in a remote region of The Rockies in the off-season, turn it down. Don't take the gardener job either.

[Scissorjack]

Monsters are class-conscious snobs: you will never see a blue-collar vampire, nor an aristocratic zombie. Werewolves are the middle-classes of monsterdom.

[Merijeek]

Don't let me interrupt, but you just have to have seen Jack Bauer pull this very trick off in The Vanishing. It's been on lately on cable. Keifer has that Jack Bauer glee on his face when he slams the shovel into The Dude's mouth. Class!

Ah...Keifer.


Kim Bauer (on the phone, after whacking Psychodad in the head): He's still moving
Jack Bauer: I want you to take the gun, point it at his chest, and pull the trigger.
Kim Bauer (does it): He's still breathing
Jack Bauer: Shoot him again!

Ah...good old Jack Bauer.

Of course, all that could have been avoided if Kim, while being chased by Psychodad, had just run up to the group of construction workers sixteen hours eariler...but what are you gonna do?

-Joe, would love to see Jack Bauer in a horror movie, suspects it would be a SHORT horror movie

[Linty Fresh]

Basements, trailer parks, and the floor underneath the bed make for bad hiding spots.

Never, never, never make a wish, even if you are granted three wishes by what looks like Father Christmas. The assumption in horror movies is that if you wish for anything, you're automatically a greedy bastard, and the divine retribution visited upon you will reflect this, no matter what you actually ask for. For instance, if you wish for all the poor kids in town to be warm and snug, the local orphanage will burn down and then be swallowed in an earthquake.

When you start finding class rings and charm bracelets in the local diner's chili, it's time to do the math.

Anything can be used to impale someone. Anything.

They don't call him "The Sorority Slasher" because he doesn't chop up coeds with a chainsaw while wearing a Bozo The Clown mask.

[Mr. Blue Sky]

Never, never, never make a wish, even if you are granted three wishes by what looks like Father Christmas.

And no matter how carefully you word your wish, nothing good will come of it.

[Talon Karrde]

-Joe, would love to see Jack Bauer in a horror movie, suspects it would be a SHORT horror movie
The Lost Boys is a chronicle of the days of his youthful indescretion.

[Sleel]

If you, by some miracle, manage to "kill" the killer, never, ever turn your back on the body. Call someone to help you watch the corpse if you must, but do NOT let it out of your sight until you have that sucker in pieces, you light the pieces on fire, you scatter the ashes, and feed the little bits that are left through the garbage disposal. Then, he might be dead. Maybe. But he's probably still got an accomplice left alive.

African-American families or couples are too smart to put themselves in stupid supernatural situations. <stolen from some comedian> If they walk into the house and hear a spectral whisper say, "Get. Out!" they're going to be out the door and back at the real-estate agent's place real damn fast. "Ok, see ya. Have a nice haunting."</stolen>

Urban Legends and ghost stories are true. Bloody Mary, the Hook Killer, the kid who drowned in the pool and now drowns other kids, the Candyman: all real, all killers, all waiting for you to let them gnaw on your entrails.

[Merijeek]

The Lost Boys is a chronicle of the days of his youthful indescretion.

Come now...all those missing posters? Not nearly enough for a Young Jack Bauer. ;)

-Joe

[NoClueBoy]

Missing posters?

You mean like Tars Tarkas, Kn(*)ckers, London Calling, and Vanilla?

[Don Draper]

Always stay alert for these warning signs of Impending Doom:

1. A dog barking & growling loudly somewhere nearby, suddenly goes silent ('cuz the killer iced him).

2. Someone finally moved into that rickety old rat-trap house down the street. (The new tenants are, of course, vampires.)

3. The natives become restless. (An Unspeakably Evil Thing is hovering in the nearby ether.)

4. The anniversary of a horrific massacre that occurred in the neighborhood approaches (especially if the killer was never found - he's coming back for a repeat performance, natch).

5. Your adorable little tyke starts speaking to an 'imaginary friend' (you might as well book the priest for an exorcism right there & then.)

[Superdude]

African-American families or couples are too smart to put themselves in stupid supernatural situations. <stolen from some comedian> If they walk into the house and hear a spectral whisper say, "Get. Out!" they're going to be out the door and back at the real-estate agent's place real damn fast. "Ok, see ya. Have a nice haunting."</stolen>

Sounds like the Eddie Murphy bit.

In "The Amityville Horror," the ghost told them to get out. White people stayed in there. Now, that is a hint and a half for your ass. I'd have been gone, man.
<snip>
In "Poltergeist," white people just sat around, going, "Our daughter, Carole Anne, is in the television set." I'd have been gone. I'd have went to the police station and said, "look...my fuckin' daughter is inside the TV set. Y'all can have all that shit. I ain't goin' back to the muthafucker. I just want y'all to know that, when she ain't at the school, y'all don't think I tried to kill the bitch or nuthin', but she is INSIDE the TV set."

"Mr. Murphy, didn't you try to SAVE your daughter?"

"Yeah, I'm a man and shit. I tried to save her. I changed the channel. The shit didn't work...I got the fuck out."

[Superdude]

When you've knocked the bad guy down with a well-placed shovel to the face, keep hitting. Don't stop hitting until the head is finely-ground hamburger.

And it has to be a shovel. A rake (http://www.geocities.com/TelevisionCity/7333/pictures/BobRake.jpg) won't work.

[faithfool]

Never have anything to do with white-blonde kids. Especially if there are lots of them and they all seem to look alike.
If you assume those aliens will be friendly, you'll find that they are anything but.
Don't repeat the same thing over again three times. Certainly not while looking in a mirror.
If you did something incredibly stupid in childhood (if it resulted in traumatic damage or actual death is even worse), it WILL come back to haunt you as an adult.
No one should ever even entertain the thought of going camping. If it is way out in BFE and with 'old' high school chums, definitely not.
When a situation begins badly, it will only get worse.
You stumble across a cemetery where the majority of graves share the same date of death, only separated by years apart, don't investigate. Just trust that the townspeople had a system.
Be aware if you reach to do anything. Don't be oblivious to what you're doing or looking off into space.
Inanimate objects are not always as innocent as they seem. Turning your back on them or sharing a bed can result in big hazards to your health.
If you get some growth, run to your nearest doctor and check it out immediately. It's not benign and it won't get better. The faster that you recognize that is the sooner you'll save all of humanity. And it is always everybody that depends on you.

[saoirse]

Missing posters?

You mean like Tars Tarkas, Kn(*)ckers, London Calling, and Vanilla?

Yep. Lost Boys got 'em That's what I hate about this board...

[monstro]

It's never just a dream.

If you open a medicine cabinet, DON'T CLOSE IT ! The killer will be right behind you, reflected for all to see.

But don't expect to see him when you turn around.

[Merijeek]

Never have anything to do with white-blonde kids. Especially if there are lots of them and they all seem to look alike.


My cousin's brood. All white-blonde. She offered to send me a picture, but I told her I could just look at the cover of my "Village of the Damned" DVD.

She wasn't amused. And I never did get a picture. :(

-Joe

[EtherealFreakOfPinkness]

If the chairs in your kitchen start re-arranging themselves, get out of the house.
In fact, get out of the town. It might even be wise to just get out of the country.
Otherwise, you will find that your youngest daughter is stuck in the TV., and you will have to call in a creepy old lady with a small voice to tell you how to get her out.

[Don Draper]

Something I learned specifically from Freddy vs. Jason (http://imdb.com/title/tt0329101/?fr=c2l0ZT1kZnx0dD0xfGZiPXV8cG49MHxrdz0xfHE9SmFzb24gdnMuIEZyZWRkaXxmdD0xfG14PTIwfGxtPTUwMHxjbz0xfGh0 bWw9MXxubT0x;fc=1;ft=21;fm=1) - Camp Crystal Lake and Elm Street are apparently located within the same suburban community and are a short van drive away from each other.

IMO, that is just plain weird. I mean, you'd think a town that has ONE serial killer (who repeatedly rose from the grave to go on mass murder sprees) wouldn't have any residents, but TWO KILLERS? And the town still has residents who haven't deserted it? That's just plain silly.

Heck, you'd think folks might've commented about that in either of the respective film series along the way: "Some teenagers over on Elm Street got disembowled last night (AGAIN??) ? I wonder if it had anything to do with all those murders last summer (and the summer before that, etc,) at the old abandoned camp not twenty minutes away from here? Nawwww, it couldn't have any connection."

[Logan 5]

One does not have to open graves to find girls to fall in love with.

children of the night are not the best musicians.

even those who are pure of heart and say their prayers are not to be trusted.

[NoClueBoy]

It's a draem, Alex! You can do anything you want to!

[marshmallow]

I'm sorry, but I must ask: what movies are people referring to with aborting the son of Satan/a Mantis alien?

[Malacandra]

People who took the trouble to have their dead bodies preserved and buried under a million tons of stone shaped into a sort of artificial mountain really, really did not want their priceless gold ornaments interfered with. Or their corpses. No, not even in the interests of archæology. Just leave the damn things alone.

[Harborwolf]

People who took the trouble to have their dead bodies preserved and buried under a million tons of stone shaped into a sort of artificial mountain really, really did not want their priceless gold ornaments interfered with. Or their corpses. No, not even in the interests of archæology. Just leave the damn things alone.
But they belong in a museum.

Do not talk to your parents about it. Your parents cannot help you. They may even be involved in covering up the incidents or be the cause. You may get them killed. Just leave them alone.

Of course, your parents may be on vacation for the week/weekend/month/year/ until the next millenium/. If that's the case, don't worry about it. They'll come back just in time to see your bloodied and horrified but alive self staggering out of your front door.

[Annie-Xmas]

Stay covered up. If there is an insane mass murderer around, chances are the people wearing the least clothing will be killed first. Even in the middle of summer, don't go out without wearing long pants, long socks, ski boots, several long sleeved shirts and sweaters, a heavy coat, gloves, scarf, and two hats.

This applies doubly to females.

[glee]

Stay the hell away from Jamie Lee Curtis if you know what's good for you.

No. Sorry, she's too gorgeous. :)

[ralph124c]

Don't EVER accept a job as a counselor at a summer camp! If you do, NEVER go swimming! never wear bikinis, and never have sex with male counselors. Also, never eneter any town, if some muttering drunk comes up to you and says..,"youre all cursed, i tell ye!"
Don't accept rides from people wearing hockey masks.
Don't accept rides from anybody named "Jason"
Finally, always go to bed fully clothed-you might have to run for it!

[Malacandra]

But they belong in a museum.


You might think so, but if you're told differently by some odd duck wearing a fez and what looks like a stripy nightshirt, heed his words before it's too late.