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drmark2000
02-16-2006, 08:36 PM
You've all heard 'em, and maybe you even remember a few.

You know... they were the "dirty" jokes/tales/limericks/songs, etc., which introduced you to new vocabulary and aspects of human behavior with which you may have been previously unfamiliar.

I speak of Johnny Fuckerfaster ("I'm going as fast as I can, Ma!"), Purple Toiletbowl (sung to the tune of Yellow Submarine), among so many others. And why DO elephants get angry? You'd be angry, too, if you had to wipe with your nose!

At the age of 12, I could have provided dozens of such examples. At the age of 44, I can hardly remember any. Googling, to my utter amazement, has turned up nothing for me as yet. Any links would be very, very much appreciated

So, let's get it going.

Puerile sexual references, really stupid puns, and scatological content are not discouraged, at least by me.

drmark2000
02-16-2006, 08:40 PM
There once was a man named McSprocket,
Who stuck his dick up a socket.
The son-of-a-bitch
Turned on the switch,
And away shot McSprocket like a rocket!

Larry Mudd
02-16-2006, 10:46 PM
Purple Toiletbowl (sung to the tune of Yellow Submarine)When I was in grade school it was:

We all live in a bucket of urine (rhymed with "marine," 'natch.)
Bucket of urine
Bucket of urine

I can't remember the rest of it, except "In the town / where I was born / there lived a man / who had to pee."

Most of my favourite childhood "dirty" rhymes and jokes are from very early childhood. (Around six or seven.)

Ink, pink, you stink
Riding on a horse's dink.

"Wanna hear a dirty joke?"
"Okay."
"A hundred white horses fell in the mud."

C K Dexter Haven
02-16-2006, 11:30 PM
I'm gonna rule that these aren't "art and entertainment" (although they may have entertained us as 8-year-olds), and hence not reasonable for Cafe Society Forum. It's more in the nature of a poll ("What do your remember...") so I'm moving it to IMHO forum.

Trillionaire
02-16-2006, 11:31 PM
Milk, milk, lemonade, 'round the corner fudge is made!

E. Thorp
02-17-2006, 12:16 AM
"Mommy! Turn on your headlights and open your gate! 'Cause here comes Daddy with a Z-28!"

And no, I can't believe I remember that...

An Arky
02-17-2006, 05:36 AM
I picked this up from the bad kids down the street:


Goddamn motherfucking sonofabitch
Mama's in the kitchen cookin red hot shit
My Daddy's in hell
My Brother's in jail
Sister's on the corner yellin "pussy for sale"

FlyingRamenMonster
02-17-2006, 06:18 AM
A family walks into a talent agency...

Malacandra
02-17-2006, 07:05 AM
A little boy is in the bath with his mummy, and he points between his legs and says "Mummy, what's that?" "That's your tugboat, son."

"And what's that?" he asks, pointing at Mummy. "That's my harbour," she replies.

"Can I sail my tugboat into your harbour, mummy?" he asks.

..."No son, that's reserved for Daddy's battleship". :D

Knocked 'em dead when I was a ten-year-old.

Nature's Call
02-17-2006, 07:21 AM
George: Martha, can I stick my finger into your bellybutton?
Martha: Sure, George.
[pause]
Martha: Um, George, that's not my bellybutton.
George: And that's not my finger.

CalMeacham
02-17-2006, 07:47 AM
I clearly hung out with the wrong crowd. We were a bunch goody two-shoes. I never heard any of these.



Purple submarine?

MissMossie
02-17-2006, 07:57 AM
Larry reminded me of this classic:

Want to hear a dirty joke?
A man fell in a mud puddle.

Want to hear a clean joke?
He took a bath with bubbles.

Want to hear a nasty joke?
Bubbles was his next door neighbor!

I also vividly remember learning the following rhyme while playing on the jungle-gym on my elementary school's playground:

Dolly Parton, she's the best! She's got mountains on her chest!

Jayn_Newell
02-17-2006, 08:08 AM
Three men were sitting around telling stories about how trashed they were the night before.

Ed: I got so drunk I blew chunks.
Ted: I got so drunk I wrapped my car around a tree.
Fred: I got so drunk I went home and beat up my wife.
Ed: No, you guys don't get it. Chunks is my dog.

Beware of Doug
02-17-2006, 08:13 AM
...achieve a higher level of artistry than typical playground ditties. Often composed to original melodies, they reflect their young creators' precocious nature at a time of intense self-discovery (snerk).

I collected these at the National Music Camp in summer 1980.

I'm from Venus
I have a penis
Whoop de doop de doo
I have a pussy too
– Mike, 10, saxophonist

Whoa! Penises penises penises penises
Ev - 'ry - where
There's penises in the kitchen
There's penises on the chair
– Dave, 13, percussionist-actor

Strangers in the night, exchanging rubbers
This one's too tight, I'll try another
This one's too loose, I'm losing juice
This one's too firm, I'm losing sperm
– Rob, 11, euphonist

TheLoadedDog
02-17-2006, 08:33 AM
It's the boy's occupation
To stick his cocktatation
In the girl's ventilation
To increase the population
Of the younger generation
If you want a demonstration
Please lie down.

It was funny at twelve because it was about sex. It's funny at 35 because of the word "cocktatation". I guess they got bored with trying to find a rhyme.

drmark2000
02-17-2006, 09:14 AM
When I was in grade school it was:

We all live in a bucket of urine (rhymed with "marine," 'natch.)
Bucket of urine
Bucket of urine

I can't remember the rest of it, except "In the town / where I was born / there lived a man / who had to pee."

Here’s how ours went:

In the town where I was born
Lived a man who drained his hole,
And he told us of his life
In a purple toilet bowl.

We all live in a purple toilet bowl, etc., x2

As we sail the yellow sea
In our purple toilet bowl,
We have found the chunks of brown
In our purple toilet bowl.

(refrain)

Repeat entire thing until you get to your bus stop.

drmark2000
02-17-2006, 09:20 AM
Milk, milk, lemonade, 'round the corner fudge is made!

Oh, you jogged my memory on this one!

Push the button,
Puuuulllllll the chain,
Out comes chocolate choo choo train!

Nature's Call
02-17-2006, 09:24 AM
We were too young to have experienced WWII. Nonetheless we got a kick outta this ditty:

(to the tune of "Bridge on the River Kwai")
Hitler - has only got one ball
Donald - has two but they're too small
Dougie - has something simlar
But poor old Steven has no balls at all

We didn't know any WWII evil dudes besides Hitler and Mousellini, so we substituted names from our gang, rotating whomever it was that had no balls at all (presumeably the most insulting).

...and (to the tune of "Whistle While You Work")
Whistle while you work
Hitler was a jerk
Mousellini pulled his weenie
Now it doesn't work

Nature's Call
02-17-2006, 09:26 AM
Wanna hear a joke?
- I fart, you choke.

Wanna hear another?
- I fart, you smother.


Those were the days.

ddgryphon
02-17-2006, 09:39 AM
Good lord, I can't believe what this question dredged up:

It has been a LOOONG time for me:

Sung to "My Bonny Lies Over the Ocean"

My mommy lies over the ocean
My daddy lies over the sea
My daddy lies over my mommy
And that's how they created me!


There once was a man from Madrass
Who's balls were made out of brass
He'd bang them together
Amid stormy weather
And Lightning shot out of his ass.

(to which I can only add: "hu-huh, he said ass")

Child one: What were you eating under there?
Child two: Under where?
Child one: Yuck, you ate underwear!


Child one: Would you suck my dick if I washed it?
Child two: No.
Child one: You'd suck my dirty dick?

Say "Roy Rodgers loves his lasso" 10 times as fast as you can. Most will eventually bungle it to "Roy Rodgers loves his asshole"

Where does Batman pee?
In the Bat-room.

That's all that comes to mind immediately -- but I haven't thought of these in actual decades -- well, except for the man from madrass, which I've always found rather cute.

ddgryphon
02-17-2006, 09:42 AM
OH, another tounge twister:

I'm not a sheet slitter
Nor a sheet slitter's son
But I'll slit the sheets
Till the sheet slitter comes

Susie Derkins
02-17-2006, 09:42 AM
My younger brother and sister sang a "Yellow Submarine" parody too, but all I remember is:

We all live in a yellow submarine
A purple lima bean
A fish's ding-a-ling

It used to crack me up when I was a teenager and they were in elementary school, because it just made no sense.

There was one a friend taught me, and again I only remember a piece of it:

He took me to his house (achee-ka)
Laid me on his couch (achee-ka)
He stuck it in easy (achee-ka)
He pulled it out greasy!

God, that's gross.

Nature's Call
02-17-2006, 10:07 AM
Child one: Would you suck my dick if I washed it?
Child two: No.
Child one: You'd suck my dirty dick?


Our variant ended with "You dirty cocksucker"

-----
Then there's Inpsector Pussy... One person told a story while everyone listening would chorus the words "Inspector Pussy" at each pause.

He arrived at the scene of the crime... Inspector Pussy
He studied the scene... Inspector Pussy
He crouched over the body... Inspector Pussy
etc.
etc.
He saw she was naked... Inspector Pussy
What should he do?... Inspect her pussy
(ha ha ha)

-----
I'd be remiss to neglect mentioning the old classics:
Pull the edges of your mouth apart with two fingers of each hand. Now say "I was born on a pirate ship." Ha ha ha

Okay, now say "Puck" Ha ha ha ha HA ha ha!

-----

God, I shudder to think my kids are probably discovering many of these gems.

Nature's Call
02-17-2006, 10:10 AM
What goes in long and hard, and comes out soft, wet, and sticky?
- Bubble gum. What were YOU thinking of?

Nature's Call
02-17-2006, 10:14 AM
I see Paris
I see France
I see Jason's underpants


Feel free to replace Jason with any name you wish.

cwthree
02-17-2006, 10:33 AM
This one has to be said out loud to work:

What's long and hard and full of /si:'men/? (I told you, say it, don't read it)
A submarine.

Clothahump
02-17-2006, 10:53 AM
And don't forget the classic graffiti:

He who writes on outhouse walls
Rolls his shit in little balls.
He who reads these words of wit
Will eat these little balls of shit.


And how about the book titles?

The Yellow River, by I. P. Freely

50 Yard Dash To The Outhouse, by Willy Makeit, illustrated by Bette Dont

Under The Grandstand, by Seymour Butz

The Tiger's Revenge, by Claude Bahls


Ah, good times, good times.

Nature's Call
02-17-2006, 12:39 PM
"Brown Spots on the Wall" by Hu Flung Pu
"Green Spots on the Wall" by Pickett N. Flickett
"Yellow Spots on the Wall" by I.P. Freely
"White Spots on the Wall" by C. Mann

Trunk
02-17-2006, 12:53 PM
<sing-songy>
Cocksucker, motherfucker two-ball bitch.
You can't fuck your mother 'cuz your two-balls itch.

I think a local kid made it up.

cocksucker motherfucker two ball bitch turns up some google hits, but nothing exact.

In high school, I made up a song to the tune of yellow submarine that went,
"We all have venereal disease"

And it was about all the girls in the high school,
"In a land across the sea,
Lived a girl, named Stephanie
<insert dirty lyrics here>."

Hugh Jass
02-17-2006, 12:59 PM
-----
Then there's Inpsector Pussy... One person told a story while everyone listening would chorus the words "Inspector Pussy" at each pause.

He arrived at the scene of the crime... Inspector Pussy
He studied the scene... Inspector Pussy
He crouched over the body... Inspector Pussy
etc.
etc.
He saw she was naked... Inspector Pussy
What should he do?... Inspect her pussy
(ha ha ha)




We had a lot of these. We used Inspector Tit. Pea Green Soup was my personal favorite.

What did <teacher, another kid> have for breakfast? Pea Green Soup
What did X have for lunch? Pea Green Soup
For dinner...

What did he do all night? Pee Green Soup.

Lionne
02-17-2006, 01:22 PM
A kiss is a kiss
A plum is a plum
A kiss is nothing
Without a tongue. (doesn't really rhyme now, does it?)

5 minutes is a pleasure
9 months is a pain
10 hours in the delivery room
Before Johnny came

Johnny's father is a bastard
His mother is a whore
Little Johnny wouldn't be here
If the rubber hadn't tore. (at the time, I had no idea what a rubber was, so I envisioned some weird rubber slingshot type thing keeping a baby inside his mother. :eek: )

Miss Susie had a tugboat
The tugboat had a bell
Miss Susie went to heaven
The tugboat went to hello
Operator, give me number 9
If you disconnect me,
I'll chop off your behind
The refrigerator, there was a piece of glass
Miss Susie sat upon it
And cut her little ask
Me no more questions,
Tell me no more lies
The boys are in the bathroom
Zipping up their flies
Are in the meadow
The bees are in their hive....

On and on ad nauseum....

KRC
02-17-2006, 01:25 PM
We had the "Whore Song" which went:

Walkin' down Canal Street, lookin' for a whore
G-d D-mn Son of a bitch
Couldn't find a whore!

Finally found a whore, she was tall and thin
G-d D-mn Son of a bitch
Couldn't get it in!

Finally got it in, swished it all about!
G-d D-mn Son of a bitch
Couldn't get it out!

Finally got it out, it was red and sore
G-d D-mn Son of a bitch
Never F-ck a whore!!

My sister once told me she'd beat me up when I threatened to sing the song while we were walking down Canal Street in New York.

HubZilla
02-17-2006, 01:50 PM
I was walking through the park one day
In the merry merry month of May
I looked up a tree and what did I see?
A goddamned (negro) trying to pee on me.
I picked up a rock, through it at his cock
Goddamned (negro) must've jumped a whole block

Funny thing, though, is we didn't really know what a "nigger" was at that age and didn't equate them to black people. We also never never connected the boogie-man with a black man. So naive.

Are you PT?
No. (you're not potty-trained!)
Yes. (you're a pregnant teacher!)

Say "mother may I" and spell CUP.

Larry Mudd
02-17-2006, 01:56 PM
Nature's Call, you keep jogging my memory!I see Paris
I see France
I see Jason's underpantsThere's a place in France
Where the women wear no pants
and the men don't care
'cause they have no underwear.We were too young to have experienced WWII. Nonetheless we got a kick outta this ditty:
(to the tune of "Bridge on the River Kwai")Bullshit! That's all the band could play
Bullshit! They played it every day
Bullshit! Dadada bullshit!
Dadada Bullshit! Bullshit! Bullshit!

Oy!
02-17-2006, 02:50 PM
We were too young to have experienced WWII. Nonetheless we got a kick outta this ditty:

(to the tune of "Bridge on the River Kwai")
Hitler - has only got one ball
Donald - has two but they're too small
Dougie - has something simlar
But poor old Steven has no balls at all

We didn't know any WWII evil dudes besides Hitler and Mousellini, so we substituted names from our gang, rotating whomever it was that had no balls at all (presumeably the most insulting).

The way I've heard it:

Hitler has only got one ball.
Goering has two, but very small.
Himmler is rather similar
And Goebals (prounounce it Go-balls for this exercise) has no balls at all.


The rhymes work better with the actual names. But I'm too young to remember too - born in 1956!

Amazon Floozy Goddess
02-17-2006, 03:05 PM
Old McDonald sittin' on a fence,
Hittin' his knee with a monkey wrench,
Missed his knee and hit his balls,
Pissed all over his overalls,
Went to the doctor, the doctor said,
"Oh my god, your balls are dead!"

There was a second verse, but I can't remember it anymore....

Susie Derkins
02-17-2006, 06:16 PM
Ooh, that one reminded me of one my grandmother taught me when I was a kid:

When I was young and had no sense
I took a whiz on an electric fence
It stung my dick and shocked my balls
And made me shit in my overalls

Spoons
02-17-2006, 06:17 PM
Wow...haven't thought of some of these in years. Here's my contribution:

Q: Who Discovered Fuzz On Peaches?

A: Peaches' Boyfriend!

racer72
02-17-2006, 06:53 PM
Sung to Clemintine:

In the cabinet, in the bathroom, o'er the sinks whose faucets shine;
stands a funny little bottle and they call it iodine.
Oh you funny, oh you funny, oh you funny iodine;
You don't taste good with a cookie but for booboos your just fine.


Theres a place in France where the alligators dance;
The one couldn't dance so they kicked him in the pants;
The pants next door cost a dollar forty four;
Plus tax.....


Know how to keep an idiot in suspense?

Ferret Herder
02-17-2006, 07:25 PM
There's a place in France
Where the women wear no pants
and the men don't care
'cause they have no underwear.
I knew it as:
There's a place in France
Where the naked ladies dance
There's a hole in the wall
Where the men can see it all
But the men don't care
Cause they're in their underwear

Yeah, doesn't make much sense.

We also never never connected the boogie-man with a black man. So naive.
:eek: You're shitting me... that's where the term came from?!

Seven
02-17-2006, 07:55 PM
Chinese, Japanese, dirty knees, look at these

Of course its the hand movements which provide the childish giggle factor.

Civil Guy
02-17-2006, 09:21 PM
Some things stick in the memory; I saw some of these in my mom's yearbook many years ago:

(Chorus to "I've been working on the railroad")
Someone's making love to Dinah,
Someone's making love, I know -
Someone's making love to Dinah,
'cause I don't hear the ol' banjo.

(Sung to "My Bonnie Lies Over the Ocean")
Last night as I lay on my pillow,
Last night as I lay on my bed,
I stuck both my feet out the window -
Next morning, my neighbors were dead

My breakfast lies over the ocean,
My lunch lies over the rail,
My dinner lies in great commotion,
Won't somebody bring me a pail?


Finally:
(Sung to "Bicycle Built for Two")
John, John, here is my answer true;
I'm not crazy over the likes of you.
If you can't afford a carriage,
Call off the goddamned marriage,
'Cause I'll be damned if I'll be jammed
On a bicycle built for two.


Classics that shouldn't be forgotten.

Butterscotch
02-18-2006, 12:11 PM
The way I've heard it:

Hitler has only got one ball.
Goering has two, but very small.
Himmler is rather similar
And Goebals (prounounce it Go-balls for this exercise) has no balls at all.


The rhymes work better with the actual names. But I'm too young to remember too - born in 1956!

I know it as :

Hitler has only got one ball.
The other is in the Albert Hall.
His mother, the dirty bugger,
Cut it o-off when he-e was small.

papataz
02-19-2006, 02:18 PM
I found this site while looking for a song about He-Man (BTW, it goes [sing to the theme tune]: I have the power/to pick up a flower/it takes me an hour/or two!)

http://www.playgroundlaw.com/

it lists many great examples of such songs.

Ludy
02-19-2006, 02:41 PM
Here was one of mt favorites


Sam Sam the lavatory man
Chief inspector of the outhouse can
Toilet paper tissue paper
Paper towel
Listen to the rumble of the human bowel
Down down under the ground
Look at all the floaties just a floaten around
Sam Sam the lavatory man
Picken up the floaties with a little tin can

And then a friend of mine came up with new versions to
"Yesterday"

Leprosy
All my skin is falling off of me
I’m not half the man I used to be
Oh how did I get leprosy

Syphilis
It all started with a little kiss
Now it hurts to take a piss
Oh how did I get syphilis

Cat Whisperer
02-19-2006, 06:47 PM
Ridin' down the highway
Doin' ninety miles an hour
When the chain on my bicycle broke
Landed in a ditch with a peddle up my ass
And my dink playin Dixie with the spokes.


Hi ho, hi ho, it's off to school I go
The teachers look like Frankenstein
The water tastes like turpentine
Hi ho, hi ho, hi ho, hi ho.


Ah, good times.

Dead Cat
02-19-2006, 06:47 PM
"#Uncle Billy had a 10 foot willy and he showed it to the girl next door,
She thought it was a snake, and cut it with a rake, and now it's only 5 foot 4."

"#Jingle Bells, Batman Smells, Robin flew away,
Uncle Billy lost his willy on the motorway, hey!"

"I'm not a pheasant plucker, I'm a pheasant plucker's son, and I'm only plucking pheasants, 'til the pheasant plucker comes."

KRC
02-19-2006, 07:18 PM
This is the story of Molly Brown
Forty men couldn't lay her down!

Over the hill came Pistol Pete
20 pound of pure lean meat

He threw Molly on the grass
Stuck his dick right up her ass!

Then poor Molly let a fart
Which blew his balls ten feet apart

Over the hill went Pistol Pete
20 pounds of shredded meat.

Nature's Call
02-20-2006, 12:32 PM
Mother Superior calls the 10 sisters in the convent to the common hall - lines'em up. Walking up and down in front of them she begins:

"I have reason to believe a MAN was here last night."
Nine nuns gasp. One nun giggles"Tee hee hee"

"We found THIS condom!"
Nine nuns gasp. One nun giggles "Tee hee hee"

"It has a HOLE in it"
One nun gasps. Nine giggle, "Tee hee hee"

SandyHook
02-20-2006, 01:22 PM
Casey Jones was a son-of-a-bitch
Drove his train into a whore house ditch
Lined a hundred whores against the wall
Bet ten dollars he could fuck them all
Fucked ninty-eight until his balls turned blue
Backed off and jacked off
And fucked the other two.




Rat shit, rat shit
Blueberry pie
Did you ever see a June bug
Jack off a flie?



Awwwww, they don't make them like that anymore.

Mtgman
02-20-2006, 03:53 PM
A white guy, a black guy, and a chinese guy are all challenged by a hooker to prove their manhood by making her scream during sex. As a reward she offers to pay them if they can make her scream versus them paying her. White guy says "I've got an eight inch cock and I plan on gettin' that money." So he goes in the back, no screaming ensues. He returns dejected and the black man says "I've got a ten inch dick and I can make bitch scream" and heads into the back. No scream. He comes out and says "That hoe is COLD." The chinese guy goes in and there is this huge SCREAM coming from the back room. The chinese guy comes back with a wad of cash. The white guy and black guy said "How'd you do that?" The chinese guy says(in a sing-song voice)

Me chinese. Me know trick. Me put hot sauce on my dick.

Enjoy,
Steven

Nature's Call
02-20-2006, 05:33 PM
"Chinese" (push corners of eyes up)
"Japanese" (pull corners of eyes down)
"Dirty knees" (point at knees)
"Look at these" (lift shirt up)

Of course, when we did it none of the girls had any "these" to look at, but we still found it inexplicably funny.

Sternvogel
02-21-2006, 12:44 AM
Milk, milk, lemonade, 'round the corner fudge is made!

Oh, you jogged my memory on this one!

Push the button,
Puuuulllllll the chain,
Out comes chocolate choo choo train!

Alternately:

Stick your finger in the hole
Now you have a Tootsie Roll!

featherlou: I learned this variation on the bicycle ditty:

She'll be comin' round the mountain at 'bout 90*
When the chain on her motorcycle slips
She'll be ridin' on the grass
With the muffler up her ass...

* miles per hour, of course -- we didn't believe in kilometers!

Mtgman: I never heard the hot sauce jape, but did become aware of two related anecdotes based at a Chinese restaurant. In one, the customer orders a soft drink, takes a sip, and spits out the liquid. When he complains to the waiter that "This tastes terrible!", the response is:

Me know.
Me Chinese man.
Me play joke.
Me make wee-wee in your Coke!

In the second, the customer orders a chocolate rabbit for dessert, takes one bite, and gags. Calling the waiter over, he screams that "This tastes like shit!" The reply?

Me know.
Me Chinese man.
Me be funny.
Me make poo-poo into bunny!

When I was growing up in Northeast Ohio, the truck that brought cones, Popsicles, and other treats around the neighborhood was emblazoned with the slogan "Uncle Marty's Ice Cream". Kids being kids, they composed and disseminated these immortal lines:

Uncle Marty had a party
Everyone was there
Uncle Marty cut a farty
All stepped out for air!

In households of more refined sensibilities, the third line was changed to either Tutti Frutti blew a beauty or Inky Binky blew a stinky.

Cat Whisperer
02-21-2006, 08:51 AM
featherlou: I learned this variation on the bicycle ditty:

She'll be comin' round the mountain at 'bout 90*
When the chain on her motorcycle slips
She'll be ridin' on the grass
With the muffler up her ass...
<snip>
Maybe that's the second verse. :D

drmark2000
02-21-2006, 08:57 AM
Uncle Marty had a party
Everyone was there
Uncle Marty cut a farty
All stepped out for air!

In households of more refined sensibilities, the third line was changed to either Tutti Frutti blew a beauty or Inky Binky blew a stinky.

There is some theory in anthropology that addresses the concurrent development of certain phenomena (such as written language and pyramid-like structures) in various cultures that could not have had direct contact with each other.

Our version of the above rhyme had nothing to do with ice cream purveyors of any description. Nevertheless, it existed. It went:

Arty Farty had a party
And all the farts were there.
Inky Winky made a stinky
And all went out for air.

These apparently gratuitous and repeated references to a “bad” word and activity provided us with some important and very useful knowledge, viz., in a social situation, even farts can themselves be offended by farts. In fact, anyone at any time can be offended by something that reminds them of who and what they really are.

But I digress.

FriarTed
02-21-2006, 09:36 AM
"Chinese" (push corners of eyes up)
"Japanese" (pull corners of eyes down)
"Dirty knees" (point at knees)
"Look at these" (lift shirt up)

Of course, when we did it none of the girls had any "these" to look at, but we still found it inexplicably funny.

I first heard that last year when it was spoken by the luminous Sherry Moon Zombie in THE DEVIL'S REJECTS.

KRC
02-21-2006, 10:15 AM
At girl scout camp we used to have the "Juvenile Delinquent" song:

I'm a juvenile delinquent
And I can't go home no more
I'm a juvenile delinquent
And I can't go home no more
My mama hates me
Can't go home no more
My Daddy beats me
Can't go home no more
And then there's Granny
Swingin' on the outhouse door
Without her nighties
Even though she's 84!
She's very sexy
And Grandpa shoutin' "More, more, more!
I'm gonna git ya!"
Swingin' on the outhouse door
And that's not all....


Plus we had a joke that I still laugh at. A teenage girl had a boyfriend named Deeper. One night her parents weren't home and she and Deeper decided now would be the time for her to lose her virginity. So they started getting it on.

Then she saw light on the driveway. Her parents were coming home early! "Deeper! Deeper!" she yelled.

He wouldn't let up. Just then she heard her parents' key in the lock and realized they were about to come into the house. "Deeper! Deeper!" she yelled.

But he wouldn't stop. She heard footsteps coming down the hall and the knob of the bedroom door turning. "Deeper! Deeper!" she screamed.

And Deeper yelled back, "What do ya think I am, a telephone pole?"

KRC
02-21-2006, 10:35 AM
Another one we learned in girl scouts was called "Boom Boom Ain't It Great to Be Crazy." One verse went:

Now I lay me down to sleep
With the boy across the street
Won't my mommy be surprised
When she sees my little tummy rise!

There was an old joke I learned in the late 60's or early 70's:

A girl came home with a crisp new dollar in her hand. "Mommy," she said, "a boy gave me a dollar for climbing the telephone pole!"

"Don't do that honey," said her mother. "He's just trying to see your underwear."

The next day the girl came home with a fiver. "Mommy," she said, "that boy gave me FIVE dollars to climb the phone pole!"

"Don't do that, honey. He just wants to see your underwear," the mother repeats.

So on the third day she comes home with a ten dollar bill. "Mommy, the boy gave me TEN dollars to climb the phone poll!"

The mother yells, "Dammit, how many times have I told you he just wants to see your underwear?!"

"He didn't," the girl giggles, "because today I wasn't wearing any."

Nature's Call
02-21-2006, 10:46 AM
Plus we had a joke that I still laugh at. A teenage girl had a boyfriend named Deeper.
We had a Deeper joke... way dumber than yours :D

There was this boy in Grade 5 named Deeper. One day after school she approaches the teacher and asks, "Teacher, can you take off your shirt?"
"No way!"
"Deeper gonna cry" (pronounced sing song: cwIIIII-iiiii)
"Oh, all right" and the teacher takes of her shirt. (somehow this made sense to us)

"Teacher, can you take off your panties?"
"No way!"
"Deeper gonna cry!"
"Oh, all right"

"Teacher, can I shove this pencil up your bum"
"NO WAY!"
"Deeper gonna cry!"
"Oh, all right."

Deeper pushes the pencil in about an inch and the teacher exclaims, "Deeper! Deeper!" So he shove it in deeper.

Ba-dum-bump!

kersting13
08-23-2011, 12:51 AM
<sing-songy>
Cocksucker, motherfucker two-ball bitch.
You can't fuck your mother 'cuz your two-balls itch.

I think a local kid made it up.

We used to sing it like this:

You're a motherfucker, titty sucker, two-balling bitch
You got a ping pong pussy and a rubber dick!

I have no idea where it came from.

kersting13
08-23-2011, 12:57 AM
There was one a friend taught me, and again I only remember a piece of it:

He took me to his house (achee-ka)
Laid me on his couch (achee-ka)
He stuck it in easy (achee-ka)
He pulled it out greasy!



This is the way we did that song. It was 5th grade and Mr. Schmiel was a doofus teacher who was re-assigned from 2nd grade to 5th grade. We all hated him.

Mr. Schmiel's got a girlfriend (ooh-ahh)
He took her to his house (ooh-ahh)
He laid her on the couch (ooh-ahh)
He stuck it in easy (ooh-ahh)
He took it out greasy (ooh-ahh)
Her mother was disgusted (ooh-ahh)
To see her pussy busted (ooh-ahh)
Her father was surprised (ooh-ahh)
To see her tummy rise (ooh-ahh)

I can never remember if we reversed the mother & father lines.

Quint
08-23-2011, 01:29 AM
Lulu's got a whorehouse
On the edge of town
50 cents for standup
A buck for lyin' down!

(Chorus)
Bang on Lulu,
Bang on good and hard!
Who you gonna bang on
When Lulu's dead and gone?

City girls use Vaseline,
Country girls use lard,
Lulu uses axle grease
And gets it twice as hard!

Chorus

City girls use tampons,
Country girls use rags,
Lulu's so damn loose
She uses burlap bags!

Chorus

Lulu had a baby,
It was an awful shock,
They would have called it Lulu
Bit the bastard had a cock!

Chorus



There was more, but it was a long time ago!!

Quint
08-23-2011, 01:41 AM
Lulu banged a zombie...

Ronald C. Semone
08-23-2011, 07:49 AM
We sang these in grade school circa 1950

To the tune of On Top Of Old Smokey

On top of old Smokey
All covered with snow
There lay Betty Grable
Without any clothes
Along came Gene Autry
A clippity-clop
He fucked Betty Grable
On that mountain top.

To the tune of St. Louis Woman

St. Louis woman, with all her diamond rings
She went to bed with a fountain pen.
The rubber it broke and the ink went in.
And now she's anursing a coon-boy kin.

taffygirl
08-23-2011, 08:03 AM
We were too young to have experienced WWII. Nonetheless we got a kick outta this ditty:

(to the tune of "Bridge on the River Kwai")
Hitler - has only got one ball
Donald - has two but they're too small
Dougie - has something simlar
But poor old Steven has no balls at all

We didn't know any WWII evil dudes besides Hitler and Mousellini, so we substituted names from our gang, rotating whomever it was that had no balls at all (presumeably the most insulting).

...and (to the tune of "Whistle While You Work")
Whistle while you work
Hitler was a jerk
Mousellini pulled his weenie
Now it doesn't work

In my neighborhood, it was "bit his weinie," which may make more sense.

I've always liked how the culture of children is passed on from kid to kid, generation to generation. I learned that little ditty in the early 60s, and you know it originated in the early 40s.

JKellyMap
08-23-2011, 08:18 AM
In my neighborhood, it was "bit his weinie," which may make more sense.

I've always liked how the culture of children is passed on from kid to kid, generation to generation. I learned that little ditty in the early 60s, and you know it originated in the early 40s.

Link to Cecil's discussion (http://www.straightdope.com/columns/read/881/did-hitler-have-only-one-testicle)of the Hitler-one-ball ditty.

Amanda the Wuss
08-26-2011, 10:50 AM
This isn't from my childhood, but...

This past year, living with a roommate who was fond of the exclamation "Fuck a duck!", I found myself frequently remembering something I'd seen in a thread similar to this one on another message board a long time ago:

(to the tune of "Row row row your boat"):

Fuck, fuck, fuck a duck
Screw a kangaroo
Finger-bang an orangutang
An orgy at the zoo!

astorian
08-26-2011, 11:37 AM
Casey Jones was a son-of-a-bitch
Drove his train into a whore house ditch
Lined a hundred whores against the wall
Bet ten dollars he could fuck them all
Fucked ninty-eight until his balls turned blue
Backed off and jacked off
And fucked the other two.





Awwwww, they don't make them like that anymore.

I remember Lou Gossett making Richard Gere do Marine exercises while chanting this one, in An Officer and a Gentleman.

pancakes3
08-26-2011, 12:17 PM
when you're climbing up a ladder and you hear something splatter... diarrhea. diarrhea.
when you're sitting in your chevy and you feel something heavy... diarrhea. diarrhea. etc.

also, i know at least 2-3 more verses of the Suzie Tugboat song, but i learned it as a steamboat.

BrotherCadfael
08-26-2011, 07:12 PM
This one'll get you suspended, if not arrested, nowadays!
Glory, Glory, Hallelujah!
Teacher hit me with a ruler,
Got behind the door with a loaded .44,
She ain't gonna teach no more!
A few years ago, I found the ultimate reference for these songs: Greasy Grimy Gopher Guts: The Subversive Folklore of Childhood (http://www.amazon.com/Greasy-Grimy-Gopher-Guts-Storytelling/dp/0874834449). Good stuff.

Uncle Brother Walker
08-28-2011, 12:51 AM
I learned this one in the Boy Scouts:

(Sung to the tune of "Nothin' Could Be Finer")

Nothin' could be finer to be in your vagina
In the Mooorn-iiiing
Nothin' would be sweeter than your lips around my peter
In the Mooorn-iiiing

I'm trying to think of another, but it's late.

Ronald C. Semone
08-28-2011, 08:24 AM
I learned this one in the Boy Scouts:

(Sung to the tune of "Nothin' Could Be Finer")

Nothin' could be finer to be in your vagina
In the Mooorn-iiiing
Nothin' would be sweeter than your lips around my peter
In the Mooorn-iiiing

I'm trying to think of another, but it's late.

I learned the last line as "Nothing could be sweeter than my honey when I eat her."

JessMagic
08-28-2011, 01:26 PM
The Hitler/one ball ditty was still doing the rounds in Aberdeenshire, UK in the 1980s. A timeless classic!

Also - wow, Yellow Submarine is popular with schoolkids! Our version was not so much dirty, more nonsensical:

We all live in a yellow submarine
A house in Aberdeen
A tin of baked beans

Another favourite was:

Do your balls hang low?
Can you swing 'em to and fro?
Can you tie them in a knot?
Can you tie them in a bow?
Can you swing them over your shoulder, like a regimental soldier?
Do your balls hang low?

And, at the height of Fraggle Rock's popularity, in the days when everyone watched the same TV programmes:

Down at Fraggle Rock
Swing that Fraggle by the cock
Bash him over the head
'Til the bastards dead

enomaj
08-28-2011, 02:19 PM
Would you suck my dick for a $100?
No.
Would you suck my dick for a $1,000?
No.
Would you suck my dick for a $1,000,000?
No.
What would you suck it for?
Nothing.
OK. Suck it for nothing.

I fell for this joke.

Yorikke
08-28-2011, 02:31 PM
Another book title :

"The Invisible Bikini" by Seymour Hair

Joe

Maeglin
08-28-2011, 02:42 PM
This one'll get you suspended, if not arrested, nowadays!
Glory, Glory, Hallelujah!
Teacher hit me with a ruler,
Got behind the door with a loaded .44,
She ain't gonna teach no more!
A few years ago, I found the ultimate reference for these songs: Greasy Grimy Gopher Guts: The Subversive Folklore of Childhood (http://www.amazon.com/Greasy-Grimy-Gopher-Guts-Storytelling/dp/0874834449). Good stuff.

We had another version of this. I think this is how it went.


Glory, Glory, Hallelujah!
Teacher hit me with a ruler,
So I shot her in the butt with a rotten coconut,
And the shit came tumbling out.

Here's the first verse of another classic from summer camp, sung to the tune of Moondance.

It's a beautiful night for a twat fight,
and the twats are all red,
Because their owners are all dead.


I'll be damned if I can remember the rest.

Bam Boo Gut
08-28-2011, 09:31 PM
when you're climbing up a ladder and you hear something splatter... diarrhea. diarrhea.
when you're sitting in your chevy and you feel something heavy... diarrhea. diarrhea. etc.

also, i know at least 2-3 more verses of the Suzie Tugboat song, but i learned it as a steamboat.

Some people think it's funny but it's really brown and runny .... diarrhea etc

Similar to the Chinaman jokes, ending in: Me no daft me no silly, me put condom on my willy.

Glory glory halleluiah,
Teacher hit me with a ruler
I hit her in the eye
With a steak and kidney pie
And I aint going back no more

KMR1990
09-27-2011, 11:05 PM
This one is the best of all!!!!

Kiss my act-ta-back-ta
My Soda Cracka
My GTO, My Booty hole
Yo Ma; Yo Pa; Yo Greasy Greasy Grandma
Yo Ma look like Frankenstein, with a low, low lip and a high behind!

Hard to believe after 36 years I still remember these silly things!!

Arglefraster
09-28-2011, 04:30 PM
I learned this one at 4-H Camp

I hear you knockin' but you cant come in.
I'm in my nighty and it's awful thin.
I wanna do it but i know it's a sin.
Aw heck, come on in!

JohnT
09-28-2011, 05:22 PM
This one I found REALLY funny at the age of 12. Now, it seems like a joke a 12 year-old would like...

There were these two men who were kidnapped, and taken to a farm as the kidnappers made their demands known.

Unfortunately, the response received was "Hell no, we're not paying that much!" So the kidnappers decided to torture the men, videotape the torture, then send it back to the people who received the original ransom demand.

One of the men was taken from the barn where they were being held, and the kidnapper who was holding him hostage handed him a basket: "I want you to pick 100 of your favorite fruit!"

Puzzled, the man picked 100 strawberries, then had to lug the basket back to the barn, whereupon the other hostage left with another kidnapper.

The kidnapper turned on a video camera and barked: "Now, I want you to bend over and stick each fruit up your ass - and don't lose count!"

So the poor hostage is sticking strawberries up his butt... "29... 30... 31..." Then, to the kidnapper's surprise, the hostage bursts out laughing.

"What's so damned funny?!"

"That other guy? His favorite fruit is watermelons!"

Like I said, you have to be 12 to appreciate the subtlety in this one.

And while not "dirty", per se, I've successfully passed off the following ditties to my daughter, who I'm sure, will pass it off to her kids:

(Sung to the tune of "On Top of Old Smokey")

On top of spaghetti,
All covered with cheese.
I lost my poor meatball,
When somebody sneezed.

It rolled off the table,
And onto the floor.
And then my poor meatball,
Rolled out of the door.

It rolled in the garden,
And under a bush.
And then my poor meatball,
Was nothing but mush.

Then there's the one sung to the tune of "America":

My country's sick of me!
I moved to Germany,
To see my King!

His name was Donald Duck!
He drives a Garbage Truck!
And he lives in a haunted house,
With Mickey Mouse!

Actually, the only thing dirty in the last one was the garbage truck reference. ;)

JohnT
09-28-2011, 05:30 PM
...achieve a higher level of artistry than typical playground ditties. Often composed to original melodies, they reflect their young creators' precocious nature at a time of intense self-discovery (snerk).

Oh, yeah, that reminds me. Again, not "naughty", but definitely gross

Great big globs of greasy, grimy gopher guts!
Mutilated monkey feet,
Chopped up baby parakeet!

Great big globs of greasy, grimy gopher guts,
And I forgot my spoon!

I also read all of Larry... whatever-his-name-was books "Greatest Polish Jokes", "Greatest Jewish Jokes"... etc, until I realized each book had the same jokes, just reworded to fit the ethnicity in question.

Amanda the Wuss
09-29-2011, 09:34 PM
(Sung to the tune of "On Top of Old Smokey")

On top of spaghetti,
All covered with cheese.
I lost my poor meatball,
When somebody sneezed.

It rolled off the table,
And onto the floor.
And then my poor meatball,
Rolled out of the door.

It rolled in the garden,
And under a bush.
And then my poor meatball,
Was nothing but mush.


The mush was as tasty
As tasty could be
And then late last summer
It grew into a tree

The tree was all covered
With beautiful moss
And it grew lots of spaghetti
And tomato sauce

So when you eat spaghetti
All covered with cheese
Hold onto your meatballs
And don't ever sneeze. :)

Sternvogel
09-30-2011, 10:32 PM
I also read all of Larry... whatever-his-name-was books "Greatest Polish Jokes", "Greatest Jewish Jokes"... etc, until I realized each book had the same jokes, just reworded to fit the ethnicity in question.

Larry Wilde (http://www.amazon.com/Larry-Wilde/e/B001HPJPCQ).

panache45
10-01-2011, 03:58 AM
A little dirt by innuendo, from the ‘50s:

Casey and Murphy were digging in a ditch,
Casey called Murphy a dirty son-of-a . . .

Beaver, beaver, sitting on a rock,
Along came a bumble bee and stung him on his . . .

Cocktail, ginger ale, 5 cents a glass,
If you don’t like it shove it up your . . .

Ask me no questions and tell me no lies,
Casey hit Murphy and now he’s paralyzed.

hogarth
10-01-2011, 11:19 AM
Are you PT?
No. (you're not potty-trained!)
Yes. (you're a pregnant teacher!)
The version I heard was:

Are you TT?
No. (you're not toilet trained!)
Yes. (you're triple titted!)

There was a version with ABC as well: "you're an African bum cleaner!" vs. "you're not a brilliant child!".

Then there's Inpsector Pussy... One person told a story while everyone listening would chorus the words "Inspector Pussy" at each pause.
It was "Inspector Muff" in the version I heard.

"Chinese" (push corners of eyes up)
"Japanese" (pull corners of eyes down)
"Dirty knees" (point at knees)
"Look at these" (lift shirt up)
The version I learned ended "Look at these...Christmas trees!" At which point you would pull out the chest of your shirt in a double tent shape.

And one more for good luck:

Come listen to a story 'bout a man named Jed
Had a lot of hair, but it wasn't on his head
Then one day he was shootin' at some food
When up from the ground came a redhead, nude

Bare ass...buck naked

Well, the next thing you know, ol' Jed's in bed
Screwing the shit out of ol' redhead
Here come's Granny with a hickory stick
Gonna beat the shit out of ol' Jed's dick.

Ximenean
10-01-2011, 11:30 AM
I went to a party at the county jail
Ripped my balls on a rusty nail
When I got home I got a terrible shock
Only one ball and half a cock

Fear Itself
10-01-2011, 01:13 PM
There was a fight song that fits the category:

Ratshit! Batshit!
Dirty old twat;
Sixty nine douche bags
Tied up in a knot:
Eat Shit! Lick Clit!
Gonorrhea Goo,
We are the ___ ____
So Fuck You!

Ignatz
10-02-2011, 05:46 PM
1.
Oh, Bob, let's not stop here.
Oh, Bob, let's not stop.
Oh, Bob, let's not.
Oh, Bob, let's.
Oh, Bob!
Oh!

****** ******
2.
Hasten, Jason,
get the basin.
Whoops, slop,
Get the mop.
Blood and gore on the floor
and me without my spoon.

sqweels
10-02-2011, 06:06 PM
Daniel Boone was a man
He was a biiiiig man
But the bear was a-bigger
So he ran like a [African-American person]
Up a tree!

Enright3
10-02-2011, 07:38 PM
George: Martha, can I stick my finger into your bellybutton?
Martha: Sure, George.
[pause]
Martha: Um, George, that's not my bellybutton.
George: And that's not my finger.

We always heard this one as a Gomer Pyle joke.
(said in Jim Neighbors' Southern drawl)
"SuhhhhPrize! SuhhhhPrize! SuhhhhPrize! That ain't my finger either!"

Enright3
10-02-2011, 07:47 PM
Wanna hear a joke?
- I fart, you choke.

Wanna hear another?
- I fart, you smother.


Those were the days.
10, 20, 30, 40, 50 or more,
Someone let a gasser in the grocery store,
80 of em died tried to hold thier breath,
someone let another and killed the rest!

Trick Rider
10-02-2011, 08:06 PM
I remember something similar to the one where a phrase is repeated after every pause in a story. We always used "ketchup & liquor".

I also remember one joke where a bunch of guys walk into a bar that's been dead all night about an hour before. When each one was asked, they said they were lying on top of Blueberry Hill. A little later, a woman walked in. The bartender said "Don't tell me you were lying on top of Blueberry Hill!"
The woman replied "No, I am Blueberry Hill!"

We of course thought these were hilarious.

missred
10-02-2011, 09:52 PM
When we cleaned my late grandfather's attic (circa 1983), we found a school book that had belonged to one of my uncles during elementary school in the thirties. Inscribed, in his finest third grade cursive was this rhyme:

Mrs. Rickles bought some pickles
On a sunny day
Mrs. Martin came a fartin
And blowed them all away.

This was the same uncle who taught us kids the aforementioned Sam, Sam the Lavatory Man when we used to camp out.

SweetLucy
10-02-2011, 09:56 PM
What do the Enterprise and toilet paper have in common?

They both circle around Uranus, wiping out Klingons.

I think I first heard this in 4th grade :D

Dead Cat
10-04-2011, 12:30 PM
I am highly amused that I read through the first part of this thread not realising it was a zombie, intending to post my favourite from childhood, only to find I had already done so five years ago.

A couple more:

My old man's a lavatory cleaner, he works all day in the pit,
And when he comes home in the evening, he always smells of
SHINY buttons and brasshooks, they're only 3.80 a tin,
You can buy 'em or nick 'em from Woolworths, but I doubt if they got any in.

Some say he died of a fever, some say he died of a fit,
But I know what my old man died of, he died of the smell of...

Some say he left me a fortune, some say he left me a bit,
But I know what my old man left me, he left me a pile of...

There were more verses which escape me at present.

Also: hold hand out in a strange position "What do you call this?"
"I don't know"
"Wanker's cramp! Do you get it?"
(Yes - "Ah - you wanker!")
(No - "What - don't you know what I mean?")

AaronX
10-04-2011, 09:30 PM
From the movie The Hot Chick:
Boys are cheats and liars,
they're such a big disgrace.
They will tell you anything to get to second...

baseball, baseball he thinks he's gonna score.
If you let him go all the way then you are a...

horticulture studies flowers, geologist studies rocks.
The only thing a guy wants from you is a place to put his ...

cockroaches, beetles, butterflies and bugs.
Nothing makes him happier than a giant pair of...

jugglers and acrobats, a dancing bear named Chuck.
All guys really want to do is...

forget it, no such luck.


And I keep recalling this joke, but can't find anyone to tell it to:
Joe took his blind date to the carnival. "What would you like to do first, Kim?" asked Joe.

I want to get weighed," she said. They ambled over to the weight guesser. He guessed 120 pounds. She got on the scale; it read 117 and she won a prize.

Next, the couple went on the Ferris Wheel. When the ride was over, Joe again asked Kim what she would like to do. "I want to get weighed," she said. Back to the weight guesser they went. Since they had been there before, he guessed her correct weight, and Joe lost his dollar.

The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to next. "I want to get weighed," she responded. By this time, Joe figured she was really weird and took her home early, dropping her off with a handshake.

Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date, "How'd it go?"

Kim responded, "Oh, Waura, it was wousy."

dougie_monty
10-29-2011, 01:52 AM
This is a verson of "Casey Jones" we learned from other kids in the neighborhood:

Casey Jones was a son of a gun
Wrecked his engine on a forty-mile run
The engine busted and the boiler split
And Casey ran into a pile of leaves.
(This is the version we sang when our parents were present.) ;)

My Dad told me a verson of "The Bear Went over the Mountain" like this:

The bear went over the mountain
The bear went over the mountain
The bear went over the mountain
To see what he could see.
He stuck his head in a dark hole
Filled his belly with charcoal.
Sparks flew out his but hole
And set his tail on fire!

My older brother came up with this:

Mary had a little lamb and the doctor was surprised--
But when Old MacDonald had a farm the doctor nearly died!

dougie_monty
02-20-2012, 01:57 AM
[...]
What did <teacher, another kid> have for breakfast? Pea Green Soup
What did X have for lunch? Pea Green Soup
For dinner...
What did he do all night? Pee Green Soup.
(No apologies for reviving an old thread. :D)
"What are pencil erasers made of?"
"Rubber."
"What are rain boots made of?"
"Rubber."
"If you saw Dolly Parton in the shower, what would you do?"

razldazl99
07-21-2012, 12:55 PM
Greasy, gummy gobs of gopher guts
mixed up monkey meats
funny birds dirty feets
french fried eyeballs laying in a pool of blood
I forgot my spoon!

It had a sing songy tune but not from any other song I recognize. This is circa 4th grade....

handsomeharry
07-22-2012, 12:56 AM
There are two that come to mind immediately, and I can't remember the rest of the first one...

Mother Fucker Land

Walking through the forest
With my dick in my hand
came to a place
Known as Mother Fucker land

Walked through the forest
What did I see?
Some big mother fucker
Trying to piss on me.

That's all I can remember....


Next one:

3-6-10
the goose drank gin
the monkey spit tobacco on the fucking hen

The hen clucked
and the monkey got fucked
and they all went to heaven on a cigarette truck!

jtur88
07-22-2012, 08:53 AM
My favorite Limerick, that had a nice flow to it:

Ethnologists up with the Sioux
Wired back "Send two punts, one canoe".
The reply the next day
Said "Broads on the way
But what the hell's a 'Panoe'?"

HoneyBadgerDC
07-22-2012, 10:13 AM
First dirty joke I ever heard, I was about six. "What did one ball say to the other ball? Why do we have to hang Dick did the shooting"

rock party
07-22-2012, 11:35 AM
Amazing how all these jokes/limerick made it almost everywhere.

Sung to the Beverly Hillbilly's Theme:

Cooler than the frost on a champagne glass
Cooler than the hair on a polar bear's ass
Cooler than a witch's air blown tit
Cooler than a bucket full of peguin shit

And growing up in New Mexico, a limerick seen on campsite outhouses:

Here I sit my cheeks a flexin'
Just gave birth to another Texan.

Fear Itself
07-22-2012, 11:46 AM
And growing up in New Mexico, a limerick seen on campsite outhouses:

Here I sit my cheeks a flexin'
Just gave birth to another Texan.A more geographically generic version:

Here I sit
On this porcelain pooper
Giving birth to
Another state trooper.

cwthree
07-22-2012, 03:00 PM
Greasy, gummy gobs of gopher guts
mixed up monkey meats
funny birds dirty feets
french fried eyeballs laying in a pool of blood
I forgot my spoon!

It had a sing songy tune but not from any other song I recognize. This is circa 4th grade....

I learned to sing it to the tune of "The Old Gray Mare (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lm9zxTH1ywg)." Was that the tune you learned?

I also learned a slightly different set of lyrics:

Great green gobs of greasy, grimy gopher guts
Contaminated monkey feet
Chopped up baby parakeet
Nine green eyeballs fried in the frying pan
Darn, I forgot my spoon!

Mdcastle
07-22-2012, 03:14 PM
Ranger Rick had a six foot dick and showed it to the lady next door.
She thought it was a snake and hit it with a rake and now it's only five foot four.

dougie_monty
04-02-2013, 02:20 AM
[...]Me chinese. Me know trick. Me put hot sauce on my dick.[...]Steven

Now that's catchy!
...And those caissons go rolling along. :D

usedtobe
04-02-2013, 06:07 AM
Oh, the midnight breeze blew through the trees
and up my girlfriend's nightie
With her tits all bare, and cut-off hair,
son-of-a-bitch almighty
She jumped in bed and covered her head
and bet me I couldn't find it

I knew damned well she was lying like hell
so I jumped right in behind her
Oh, I fucked her once;
I fucked her twice
I fucked her once too often

Now I am
the father of twins
'cause of all my fuckin'

Since girls aren't supposed to know that one, equal time:

Do your boobs hang low?
can you sway 'em to and fro?
Can you tie 'em in a knot?
Can you tie 'em in a bow?

Can you swing them over your shoulders
like a continental soldier?
Do your boobs hang low.


(for certain women over 40, that is a painful reminder. Sorry)

hogarth
04-02-2013, 10:51 AM
Yet another case where I was going to add my comments only to realise that I already did a year and a half ago.

Annie-Xmas
04-02-2013, 03:01 PM
"Lacey things, the wife is missing.
Didn't ask, for her permission
I'm wearing her clothes,
her silk panty hose.
Walking around in women's underwear.

In the store, there's a teddy.
With little straps, like spagetti.
It holds me so tight,
like handcuffs at night.
Walking around in womens underwear

In the office there's a guy named Melvin.
He pretends that I am Murphy Brown.
He'll say "Are you ready?"
I'll say, "Woah man! Lets wait untill the wife is out of town."
Later on, if you wanna,
We can dress, like Madonna.
Put on some eye shade, and join the parade.
Walking around in women's underwear.

Lacey things, missing.
Didn't ask, permission.
Wearing her clothes, silk panty hose.
Walking around in women's underwear.
Walking around in women's underwear.
Walking around in women's underwear......"

missred
04-02-2013, 06:28 PM
"Lacey things, the wife is missing.
Didn't ask, for her permission
I'm wearing her clothes,
her silk panty hose.
Walking around in women's underwear.

In the store, there's a teddy.
With little straps, like spagetti.
It holds me so tight,
like handcuffs at night.
Walking around in womens underwear

In the office there's a guy named Melvin.
He pretends that I am Murphy Brown.
He'll say "Are you ready?"
I'll say, "Woah man! Lets wait untill the wife is out of town."
Later on, if you wanna,
We can dress, like Madonna.
Put on some eye shade, and join the parade.
Walking around in women's underwear.

Lacey things, missing.
Didn't ask, permission.
Wearing her clothes, silk panty hose.
Walking around in women's underwear.
Walking around in women's underwear.
Walking around in women's underwear......"



Somebody's been listening to Twisted Christmas a little early this year, methinks! :p

madrabbitwoman
04-02-2013, 07:00 PM
roll me over in the clover
roll me over and do it again...

You have no idea how shocked I was when they started playing this song at the Salvation Army church I was attending at the time. How was I to know that the music was a hymn loooong before it was a dirty ditty/bawdy ballad. Anyway I spent the rest of the service giggling.

Biffy the Elephant Shrew
04-02-2013, 08:12 PM
Originally Posted by Mtgman
[...]Me chinese. Me know trick. Me put hot sauce on my dick.[...]Steven
Now that's catchy!
...And those caissons go rolling along. :D

Huh. I imagined it as "This Old Man."

pancakes3
04-02-2013, 11:28 PM
I hesitate to ask but how far back does Jingle Bells, Batman Smells date?

dougie_monty
04-03-2013, 12:15 AM
Huh. I imagined it as "This Old Man."

Really? What would you have added in place of "Knick knack paddy-whack"? :D

Malacandra
04-03-2013, 02:12 AM
I hesitate to ask but how far back does Jingle Bells, Batman Smells date?

Probably no earlier than 1939.

The Second Stone
04-03-2013, 03:53 PM
Three Irishmen, three Irishmen, diggin' in a ditch,
One called the other a dirty son of a
Peter Murphy had a dog, a dirty dog was he,
He gave it to his girlfriend t' keep her company.
She fed it, she trained it, she taught it how t' jump,
It jumped right up her petticoat an' bit her on the
Country boys, country boys, sitting on a rock,
Along came a bumblebee an' stung 'em on the
Cocktails, ginger ale, five cents a glass,
If you don't like it, stick it up yer
Ask me no questions, I'll tell you no lies,
If you get hit with a bucket o' shit,
Be sure an' close yer eyes.

chief2442
12-31-2013, 11:14 PM
i heard these a long time ago off a gene tracy album

there once was a girl named alice
she used a dynamite stick for a fawlous
they found her vagina in south carolina and bit of ass about dallas

here lies the bone of screwy dick
born into life with a corkscrew prick
spend his life in a futile hunt
in search of the girl with a corkscrew cunt
dick finally found her and then fell dead
son of bitch she had a left hand thread

terentii
01-01-2014, 12:59 AM
There was a gal named Mary Brown;
swore no man could lay her down!
Then over the hill came Pissball Pete
with forty pounds of swingin' meat!
Laid Mary down like a sheet of glass;
then he crammed his balls right up her ass!
Then Mary Brown, she let a fart;
blew poor Pete's balls ten feet apart!
Then over the hill went Pissball Pete
with forty pounds of shredded wheat!

randompattern
01-01-2014, 01:05 AM
Birdie Birdie in the snow...
His wing was broke, he could not go.
I lured him to me with a piece of bread..
Then I smashed his fucking head.

nice

terentii
01-01-2014, 01:10 AM
Tiddlywinks, young man,
get a woman if you can;
if you can't get a woman,
get a clean old man!
Shake it high, shake it low,
then you shake it to and fro!
Can you do the double shuffle when your balls hang low?

Do your balls hang low?
Do they wobble to and fro?
Can you tie them in a knot?
Can you tie them in a bow?
Do they make a rusty clamor
when you hit them with a hammer?
Can you do the double shuffle
when your balls hang low?

terentii
01-01-2014, 01:12 AM
Hitler
has only got one ball!
Goering
has two but they are small!
Himmler
is somewhat sim'lar!
And Goebbels hasn't
got any
at all!

terentii
01-01-2014, 01:15 AM
Great big gobs of greasy grimy gopher guts,
mutilated monkey meat,
little turdey-birdie feet!
Great big gobs of vomit rolling down the street,
and me without my spoon! :(

JKellyMap
01-01-2014, 05:26 AM
Hitler
has only got one ball!
Goering
has two but they are small!
Himmler
is somewhat sim'lar!
And Goebbels hasn't
got any
at all!

The Master speaks (http://www.straightdope.com/columns/read/881/did-hitler-have-only-one-testicle).

JKellyMap
01-01-2014, 05:34 AM
...as I already mentioned in this thread, nearly three years ago... ;)

JBDivmstr
01-01-2014, 08:28 AM
i heard these a long time ago off a gene tracy album

there once was a girl named alice
she used a dynamite stick for a fawlous
they found her vagina in south carolina and bit of ass about dallas

here lies the bone of screwy dick
born into life with a corkscrew prick
spend his life in a futile hunt
in search of the girl with a corkscrew cunt
dick finally found her and then fell dead
son of bitch she had a left hand thread(bolding mine)

Damn, I'm glad somebody resurrected this thread! There's some 'gut-busting' funny stuff in here.
('Screwy Dick, is my favorite! :D)

robert_columbia
01-01-2014, 09:57 AM
(to the tune of "This Land is Your Land")

This land is my land,
It isn't your land,
I've got a shotgun,
And you don't got one,
If you don't get off,
I'll blow your head off,
This land is Private Property.

F. U. Shakespeare
01-01-2014, 11:12 AM
I'm Popeye the sailor man
I live in a garbage can
I eat all the junk, I smell like a skunk
I'm Popeye the sailor man

Alternative line 3: (I eat all the worms, I spit out the germs)

terentii
01-01-2014, 11:37 AM
there once was a girl named alice
she used a dynamite stick for a fawlous
they found her vagina in south carolina and bit of ass about dallas

Is that anything like a "phallus"? :confused:

There once was a young girl named Jill;
used a dynamite stick for a thrill.
They found her vagina in North Carolina,
and bits of her tits in Brazil.

terentii
01-01-2014, 11:40 AM
I'm Popeye the sailor man,
I live in a frying pan.
You turn on the gas and I'll burn off my ass.
I'm Popeye the sailor man.

I'm Popeye the sailor man,
I'm Popeye the sailor man.
I love to go swimmin' with barenaked women.
I'm Popeye the sailor man.

Jamicat
01-01-2014, 12:38 PM
I picked this up from the bad kids down the street:


Goddamn motherfucking sonofabitch
Mama's in the kitchen cookin red hot shit
My Daddy's in hell
My Brother's in jail
Sister's on the corner yellin "pussy for sale"

LOL...I wonder where this came from...besides from the Zombies.
Im from the Arlington Va area...

Your a Mother Fucker Tittie Sucker Two Ball Bitch
Your Mothers in the kitchen cooking red hot shit
Your Brothers in Heaven
Your Fathers in Hell
Your sisters' outside sayin' pussy for sale
You can Kiss my acrobat, My Solar crack
My GTO, My Sterio
Your Momma
Your Poppa
You got a greasy can
You got a hole in your pan
You got a big behind like a Frankenstein
You go toot toot toot like a prostitute
You go peep peep peep down sesame street
Here's your big bird (shows middle fingers)

Up on the roof top
All covered in mud
I shot my poor teacher
With a 44 slug
I went to her funeral
I went to her grave
Some people threw flowers
I threw a grenade

Why do I still remember this crap from elementary school. :smack:

jebert
01-01-2014, 04:19 PM
There was a series of "Confucius say" jokes; these are the only two I remember:

Confucius say -
Woman who cook carrots and peas in same pot very unsanitary.

Confucius say -
Woman who fly plane upside down have crack up.

TreacherousCretin
01-01-2014, 04:50 PM
There was a series of "Confucius say" jokes; these are the only two I remember:

Confucius say -
Woman who cook carrots and peas in same pot very unsanitary.

Confucius say -
Woman who fly plane upside down have crack up.

Man who go to sleep with itchy butt wake up with smelly fingers.

terentii
01-01-2014, 06:21 PM
Confucius say:

He who fart in church sit in own pew.

Woman who slide down banister rail get slivers, by cracky!

Man with hand in pocket feel pretty cocky.

terentii
05-12-2014, 10:50 AM
Daniel Boone was a man
He was a biiiiig man
But the bear was a-bigger
So he ran like a [African-American person]
Up a tree!

True story, swear to God:

I wrote the following when I was a sophomore in high school and sang it for a dude at summer camp (this was back in 1972):

Daniel Boone was a fag!
Yes, a BIG fag!
With an eye for the fellers
and a rod like a mighty oak tree!
Daniel Boone was a fag!
Yes, a BIG fag!
He was gay, he was swishy,
and as queer as a fishwife was he!
From the pink beret on the top of old Dan
to the toe of his his high-heeled shoe,
the gayest, sweetest, horniest swish
the Frontier ever knew!
Daniel Boone was a fag!
Yes, a BIG fag!
[ALTERNATIVE ENDING 1]
And he'd walk through the forest
just to look for an Injun to lay!
What a queer, what a homo, what a queen, what a pervert!
How fey!
[ALTERNATIVE ENDING 2]
And he fought for America,
to make all Americans gay!
What a queer, what a homo, what a queen, what a pervert!
How fey!*

The next year, I went back to the same camp and heard another guy singing it verbatim.

"Hey!" I said. "I wrote that song!"

"No, you didn't!" he replied. "A guy named ____________ at my school [the same guy I had taught it to the year before] wrote it!"

*With profuse apologies to our beloved homosexual community of today, of course!

terentii
05-12-2014, 10:54 AM
This one'll get you suspended, if not arrested, nowadays!
[I]Glory, Glory, Hallelujah!
Teacher hit me with a ruler,
Got behind the door with a loaded .44,
She ain't gonna teach no more!

Glory, glory, hallelujah!
Teacher hit me with a ruler!
Shot her with a six-shooter!
Never gonna go to school!

Eastlight
08-19-2014, 07:43 PM
There was a young man from Nantucket
With a dick so long he could suck it
He said with a grin
As he wiped off his chin
If my ear was a cunt
I could fuck it.

There was a young man from Australia
Who has his ass painted like a Dahlia
The color was fine
As was the design
But the aroma
That was a failure.
(from the movie "Breaker Morant")

BrotherCadfael
08-19-2014, 08:00 PM
Squeeze it, tease it,
Bang it on the floor.
Wrap it 'round the bedpost,
Slam it in the door!

Eastlight
08-19-2014, 08:02 PM
In school, little Johnny kept calling his teacher Miss Pussy.
Every time he spoke her name the teacher corrected him saying, "Johnny, my name is Prussy, not Pussy."
During the day, despite numerous corrections about the pronunciation of the teacher's name, little Johnny continued saying things like, "Miss Pussy, I need to go to the bathroom." "Miss Pussy, I know the answer."
Finally, Miss Prussy made little Johnny stay after school and told him, "I want you to go home tonight and remember my name is Miss Prussy." "I want you to repeat to yourself all night tonight, 'Prussy, pussy with an R, Prussy, pussy with an R, pussy with an R'"
So little Johnny did that all night, "pussy with an R, pussy with an R, pussy with an R..."
The next morning little Johnny walks into class and the teacher says, "Good morning Johnny."
Little Johnny replies, "Good morning Miss Crunt."

Eastlight
08-19-2014, 08:11 PM
BrotherCadfael wrote first verse

To the ending tune of Tarantella

Squeeze it, tease it,
Bang it on the floor.
Wrap it 'round the bedpost,
Slam it in the door!

I knew a friend that knew a friend
that said that intercourse was grand;
If you do not mind I think I'll take my sex by hand.

robert_columbia
08-19-2014, 09:01 PM
We sang these in grade school circa 1950

To the tune of On Top Of Old Smokey
...

Another parody:

On top of Old Smokey,
All covered in blood,
I shot my poor teacher,
With a 44 Stud.
Ten days later,
She still wasn't dead,
So I took a bazooka,
And blew off her head.
I went to her funeral,
I went to her grave,
Some people threw flowers,

I threw a grenade.

Tremblay
08-19-2014, 09:38 PM
Birdy birdy in the sky
Why'd you do that to my eye
Looks like vanilla, tastes like spit
Oh my gosh it's birdy shit

DrCube
08-19-2014, 09:50 PM
Skipped through the kitchen, skipped so fast
I skipped my finger up my grandma's ass
Grandma said "You ain't got no soul!
"Get your finger out of my asshole!"

On top of Old Smokey, all covered with blood,
I shot my poor teacher with a .44 stud.
I went to her funeral, I went to her grave.
Instead of throwing flowers, I threw a grenade.
I opened her coffin, and she wasn't quite dead.
So I took a bazooka, and blew off her head.

There once was a guy named Dave
Who found a dead whore in a cave.
She had one tit,
And looked like shit.
But think of the money he'd save!

I wasn't racist, but damn if my hoodlum friends weren't:

I was walking through the jungle with my dick in my hand
I'm a bad motherfucker and a hell of a man.
I look up in a tree, and what do I see?
A goddamn nigger trying to piss on me!
I pick up a rock, hit him in his cock,
That damn nigger did a belly flop!

I remember this little ditty, which I thought was stupid even when I was 5:
"Fight! Fight! A nigger and a white! The white don't win, we ALL jump in!"

Wallaby
08-20-2014, 12:49 AM
And one more for good luck:

Come listen to a story 'bout a man named Jed
Had a lot of hair, but it wasn't on his head
Then one day he was shootin' at some food
When up from the ground came a redhead, nude

Bare ass...buck naked

Well, the next thing you know, ol' Jed's in bed
Screwing the shit out of ol' redhead
Here come's Granny with a hickory stick
Gonna beat the shit out of ol' Jed's dick.

Next thing you know ol' Jed's in the truck
Balls hangin' out, ready for a fuck
Ten days later he was feelin' kinda sick
A clear-cut case of a paralysed dick.

Stiff balls...that is...........



I think there were several local variations....................................

Urbanredneck
08-20-2014, 01:23 AM
Well it's really, really bad but in electronics there are colored stripes on resistors and each stripe represents a number. Here they are:

Black - 1
Brown -2
Red - 3
Orange - 4
Yellow - 5
Gold - 6
Blue - 7
Violet - 8
Gray - 9
White - 0

The way we memorized it: Black Boys Rape Our Young Girls But Violet Gives Willingly.

Yes, it's bad but I promise you everyone who studies resistors eventually learns it. I learned it in high school. Later when I did electronics in college the teacher refused to tell this.

Knowed Out
08-20-2014, 08:42 AM
My inner redneck child speaks:

[Go up to somebody and shake hands, but don't release]
You: Howdy, I'm from Mars. Where you from?
Them: [answer]
You: Where do you go to take a shit?
Them: the bathroom
You: What do you use to wipe your ass with?
Them: toilet paper
You: I use my hand.

Hopeful Crow
08-20-2014, 05:42 PM
We were too young to have experienced WWII. Nonetheless we got a kick outta this ditty:

(to the tune of "Bridge on the River Kwai")
Hitler - has only got one ball
Donald - has two but they're too small
Dougie - has something simlar
But poor old Steven has no balls at all


The way I heard it is:

Hitler has just one ball
Goring's are rather small
Himmler's are somewhat similar
And Goebbels has no balls at all.

Hopeful Crow
08-20-2014, 05:48 PM
Darn, I was beaten to the punch.

EmilyG
08-20-2014, 06:05 PM
Multiple zombie thread!

I wonder if the OP was banned for posting dirty stuff.

kaylasdad99
08-21-2014, 08:11 AM
BrotherCadfael wrote first verse

To the ending tune of Tarantella

Squeeze it, tease it,
Bang it on the floor.
Wrap it 'round the bedpost,
Slam it in the door!

I knew a friend that knew a friend
that said that intercourse was grand;
If you do not mind I think I'll take my sex by hand.

I'm not sure how "Tarantella" goes, but the tune I associate with this ditty is [i]Funiculi, Funicula[/part
First part goes:

Last night -- I stayed at home and masturbated.
It felt so good; I knew it would.
Last night -- I stayed at home and masturbated.
It felt so nice, I did it twice!
You -- should have seen me on the short stroke!
It felt so grand, I used my hand.
You -- should have seen me on the long stroke!
It felt so neat, I used my feet.

astorian
08-21-2014, 10:30 AM
??

CalMeacham
08-21-2014, 11:20 AM
There was a gal named Mary Brown;
swore no man could lay her down!
Then over the hill came Pissball Pete
with forty pounds of swingin' meat!
Laid Mary down like a sheet of glass;
then he crammed his balls right up her ass!
Then Mary Brown, she let a fart;
blew poor Pete's balls ten feet apart!
Then over the hill went Pissball Pete
with forty pounds of shredded wheat!

I recall this one (with some variations, like her name was Sheila Brown. And PissPot Pete, which makes more sense) from Boy Scout camp.


Boy scouts made me what I am today.