Favourite/least favourite parts of the Bible?

[Fortean]

This isn’t witnessing, or anything, so I hope CS is the right place for it.

So I was thinking yesterday what could be removed from the Bible that no one would miss very much. Probably all of Leviticus and Numbers. Not sure if there’s much in Kings or Chronicles either. Not that I’ve actually read much of them, but they’re probably my least favourite parts anyway.

But lots of the Old Testament I love, particularly the Psalms, and the story of Esther is quite good fun, and I find Ruth and Boaz really quite romantic.
And in the New I’m very fond of Acts, with its hair-raising escapes and slightly sinister miracles, and St Paul’s letters, especially when he appears to be in a bad mood, and although I like the gospel of John I think Luke is a better storyteller.

Ecclesiastes is probably my favourite book overall, because the poetry is gorgeous IMHO and I love the whole bloody-minded bugger all you lot then type attitude. Rendered slightly more elegantly in the original text.

What about you?

[BrainGlutton]

Ecclesiastes. My second fave is Job. But then, I'm of a rather pessimistic disposition.

[BrainGlutton]

Of course, Revelation is in a class all its own! (Was John of Patmos into rye ergot, or what?!)

[Lightray]

Song of Solomon.

Having people read that is even more fun than pointing out the two versions of the Ten Commandments, or G-d's rather odd requirements as to building Him a no-peeking-up-the-skirt altar.

[Dung Beetle]

Ecclesiastes. My second fave is Job. But then, I'm of a rather pessimistic disposition.
Ugh, what's to like about Job? I was sure that was going to be everyone's least favorite book. Pisses me off no end, it does.

My favorite is Proverbs; practical and relevant, at least for the most part.

[Gordon Urquhart]

I'm a big fan of Ecclesiates 3:1-8 -- it puts everything in perspective, and does so very poetically.

Somebody should put the words in a song. ;)

[Muad'Dib]

Where is that bit that Saffron quoted in the "Our Mrs. Reynolds" episode of Firefly?

[Rube E. Tewesday]

Ugh, what's to like about Job? I was sure that was going to be everyone's least favorite book. Pisses me off no end, it does.

(snip)

What's not to like? Right smack in the middle of the Bible, a fierce attack on God. And his response .... "Yeah, I'm a bad sumbitch all right. Deal."

[Skammer]

I have to disagree about Kings & Chronicles. Lots of good stories in there. But you're right that Leviticus, Numbers and Deuteronomy kinda drag. It picks up noticeably in Joshua & Judges though. Lots of gratuitous violence.

I guess I'll have to pick my favorite part of each broad category:

OT History: Judges, Ruth
Wisdom literature: Ecclesiastes, Psalms
Major Prophets: Isaiah
Minor Prophets: Jonah, Hosea
Gospels: Mark, Luke/Acts
Epistles: Ephesians, Philippians, Philemon (I hate leaving out Romans, I Peter and I John, but I have to draw the line somewhere).
Apocalypse: I'm not a big fan of the apolalyptic books, but I think I would go with Daniel over Revelation.

[C K Dexter Haven]

Well, I could do without the whole set of Mark, Matthew, Luke, and all... :)

[Fortean]

I have to disagree about Kings & Chronicles. Lots of good stories in there.

ORLY?? I’m gonna need a cite for that one. ;)

I’ve always had the impression that Revelation was a bit dull, kind of like reading a madman’s webpage, but probably I should take a look at it.

Job – who was it said ‘I’ve read Job. God doesn’t come too well out of it.’? I’ve always been a bit worried about reading it in case I end up rather pissed off with the old fellow.

We were singing (in suitably dirgy fashion) psalms 13/14 at church last Sunday:


How long wilt thou forget me, O LORD? for ever? How long wilt thou hide thy face from me?

How long shall I take counsel in my soul, having sorrow in my heart daily? How long shall mine enemy be exalted over me?

Consider and hear me, O LORD my God: lighten mine eyes, lest I sleep the sleep of death;

lest mine enemy say, I have prevailed against him; and those that trouble me rejoice when I am moved.

But I have trusted in thy mercy; my heart shall rejoice in thy salvation.

I will sing unto the LORD, because he hath dealt bountifully with me.

The fool hath said in his heart,There is no God. They are corrupt,
they have done abominable works, there is none that doeth good.

The LORD looked down from heaven upon the children of men, to see if there were any that did understand, and seek God.

They are all gone aside, they are all together become filthy: there is none that doeth good, no, not one.

Have all the workers of iniquity no knowledge? who eat up my people as they eat bread, and call not upon the LORD.

There were they in great fear: for God is in the generation of the righteous.

Ye have shamed the counsel of the poor, because the LORD is his refuge.

Oh that the salvation of Israel were come out of Zion! When the LORD bringeth back the captivity of his people, Jacob shall rejoice, and Israel shall be glad.


I like how it kind of changes tack half way through – moves from despair to hope to bitter jubilation to a kind of righteous indignation back to hope again. I always find it easier to connect with these ancient types, and their idea of God, when they wear their hearts on their sleeves.

[MrDibble]

I quite like Proverbs, Revelation and Job, and was into Ezekiel when in my Danikenite phase when I was 12: "Like, those things are spaceships, man"

[Dung Beetle]

What's not to like? Right smack in the middle of the Bible, a fierce attack on God. And his response .... "Yeah, I'm a bad sumbitch all right. Deal."
I can't deal! He's supposed to be the good guy.

[Lissla Lissar]

I like the Psalms, especially the Complaining Psalms (22,38, 69, 102), and (not complaining) 139.

Eccesiastes, Revelation, Ruth, Hosea, Ezekiel, Hebrews, and John.

[Rube E. Tewesday]

I can't deal! He's supposed to be the good guy.

And that's exactly the attitude the book is protesting. I've always been fascinated by how Job and Ecclesiastes, two books that pile scorn on the idea that God rewards the good and punishes the bad, made their way into the Canon, and how few people realize how subversive they are.

[cactus waltz]

I liked the part where Arnold escapes the burning building.

[mr. jp]

I like the one where Jesus gets a puzzle piece stuck in his nose and The Man in the Yellow Hat has to take him to the hospital.

[Kythereia]

I like the one where Jesus gets a puzzle piece stuck in his nose and The Man in the Yellow Hat has to take him to the hospital.

You owe my university library a new monitor and keyboard.

The Gospels, Psalms, Proverbs, Song of Songs, Genesis, Revelations... pretty much the same tastes as everyone else, really. Does anyone out there like Numbers or Deuteronomy?

[Happy Clam]

I agree with the Song of Solomon- both because it is beautiful poetry (that stands up suprisingly well in translation) and because it always gives me the giggles when I see stuffy pastors trying to rationalize it as an analogy for love of God.

As for least favourite- well, I just don't much like Genesis. I find both the style and the content (the supra-misogynistic bits) to be pretty unpleasent and dull.

[mr. jp]

Originally Posted by Kytheria
You owe my university library a new monitor and keyboard.
:)

I'm afraid you'll have to make your demand to the people who make family guy.

[Baker]

My favorite single chapter is the eighth chapter of Romans, and it's conclusion, about how nothing at all can seperate us from the love of God. I like to use that to counter people who think sexual orientation is relevant to whether or not God loves us or "hates" us. And besides, knowing we are loved no matter what is a real upper when we've done something bad.

Next up would be the parts of the Gospels where Jesus does things everyone is surprised, or indignant at, like not condemning the adulteress, or eating and associating with social outcasts.

Although I'm not a literalist I love the spectacle of the first chapter of Genesis, trying to imagine a picture of the world being created. It's cooler than the second story in the next chapter.

I like the tales of Judith and Susanna, from the Apocrypha. Damn, Judith was tough. If I'd had a daughter I'd like to have named her Judith.

[mr. jp]

Are you guys christians? If not, how come you have read so much of the bible?

[Bippy the Beardless]

The Song of Solomon

here is the first chapter ...
1. The song of songs, which is Solomon's.
2. Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth: for thy love is
3. better than wine. Because of the savour of thy good ointments thy name is as
4. ointment poured forth, therefore do the virgins love thee. Draw me, we will run after thee: the king hath brought me into
5. his chambers: we will be glad and rejoice in thee, we will remember thy love more than wine: the upright love thee. I am black, but comely, O ye daughters of Jerusalem, as the tents
6. of Kedar, as the curtains of Solomon. Look not upon me, because I am black, because the sun hath looked
7. upon me: my mother's children were angry with me; they made me the keeper of the vineyards; but mine own vineyard have I not kept. Tell me, O thou whom my soul loveth, where thou feedest, where
8. thou makest thy flock to rest at noon: for why should I be as one that turneth aside by the flocks of thy companions? If thou know not, O thou fairest among women, go thy way forth by
9. the footsteps of the flock, and feed thy kids beside the shepherds' tents. I have compared thee, O my love, to a company of horses in
10. Pharaoh's chariots. Thy cheeks are comely with rows of jewels, thy neck with chains
11. of gold. We will make thee borders of gold with studs of silver.
12. While the king sitteth at his table, my spikenard sendeth forth
13. the smell thereof. A bundle of myrrh is my well-beloved unto me; he shall lie all
14. night betwixt my breasts. My beloved is unto me as a cluster of camphire in the vineyards
15. of Engedi. Behold, thou art fair, my love; behold, thou art fair; thou hast
16. doves' eyes. Behold, thou art fair, my beloved, yea, pleasant: also our bed
17. is green. The beams of our house are cedar, and our rafters of fir.

[Anne Neville]

I like the parts of Genesis dealing with all the family intrigue. I also like the first part of Exodus dealing with the enslavement in Egypt, the plagues, and all that.

I like the book of Ruth. I also like Esther, but that may be because of the association with Purim.

Does anyone out there like Numbers or Deuteronomy?

The part in Numbers where people get swallowed by the earth (Numbers 16:30-33) is pretty cool.

Are you guys christians? If not, how come you have read so much of the bible?

Dunno about the others in this thread, but I'm Jewish.

[Dung Beetle]

Are you guys christians? If not, how come you have read so much of the bible?
I'm not a Christian now, but I was raised one. When I was a kid, I tried (and failed) to read the Bible straight through. As a teenager, I'd read the Bible during church to avoid the deadly dullness of the sermon.

[Malthus]

Sure, Ecclesiasties is cranky-profound, The Song of Solomon is sexy, and the Book of Job is gloomy-subversive.

But for sheer drama, you can't beat the story of the reigns of David and Solomon in 2 Samuel - 1 Kings; it is like an iron age version of The Godfather, complete with the ordering of "hits" by a dying David. ;) And who can beat Rehoboham's immortal line: "my father chastised you with whips; I shall chastise you with scorpions!" :D

[Voyager]

Are you guys christians? If not, how come you have read so much of the bible?
Atheists often are more familiar with the Bible than many theists. Mine is in my SF collection. (filed under God - house pseudonym.)

As for the OP - Chronicles is boring. Bleah. I like Genesis, since more good stuff is packed in there per page than in just about any other part. I'm fond of Malachi, but that was because it was my Haftorah portion for my bar mitzvah, and was nice and short.

<Movies that never happened thread>
Matthew, Mark, Luke and John? Can't say I ever heard of them Everyone knows the Bible ends with Malachi.
</thread>

[hellotherepoodle]

What part is the section about building the tabernacle in? I swear that goes on for at least a hundred pages. A hundred DULL DULL DULL pages.

Favorite part would have to be Genesis. It's so soap opera-like (not that the rest of the Bible isn't to some degree).

[Bertie Wooster]

I like the part, I think it's in Exodus, or Numbers, or one of the other early books, where God commands his holy chosen folks to kill all the people of Midian, except for the little girls, who are forced into slavery. That's a laugh riot, that bit.

[kelly5078]

Ecclesiates is the only thing that really floats my boat. I think we all could use a little more of a get-over-yourself attitude.

I don't much like Genesis. It's got some ripping yarns, but a handful of verses have been used so badly in the wrong hands that it ruins the whole thing for me.

[Lissla Lissar]

Actually, I liked the bits about building the tabernacle when I was a kid. A long-time fascination with weaving. There's a bit somewhere in the middle where craftmanship is counted among the gifts of the Spirit, which I think is really cool.


I also almost sob when I read the bit in Ezekiel where God tells him that He's going to make his life a sign by the death of his wife.

15 The word of the LORD came to me: 16 "Son of man, with one blow I am about to take away from you the delight of your eyes. Yet do not lament or weep or shed any tears. 17 Groan quietly; do not mourn for the dead. Keep your turban fastened and your sandals on your feet; do not cover the lower part of your face or eat the customary food of mourners ."

18 So I spoke to the people in the morning, and in the evening my wife died. The next morning I did as I had been commanded.


I'm a Christian.

[BrainGlutton]

I like the part, I think it's in Exodus, or Numbers, or one of the other early books, where God commands his holy chosen folks to kill all the people of Midian, except for the little girls, who are forced into slavery. That's a laugh riot, that bit.

Joshua, I believe.

[BrainGlutton]

The same theme comes up in 1 Samuel, when Samuel rebukes Saul for raiding the Amalekites for booty, instead of exterminating them all as God commanded.

[BrainGlutton]

And who can beat Rehoboham's immortal line: "my father chastised you with whips; I shall chastise you with scorpions!" :D

"Scorpion" = a whip with metal barbs in it.

[amarinth]

Favorite part would have to be Genesis. It's so soap opera-like (not that the rest of the Bible isn't to some degree).Disfunctional family after disfunctional family after disfunctional family. And they're the patriarchs.

Favorite sections? Most have already been listed - Song of Songs, the Psalms (especially the ones that start off pissed at God & the world and end in hope - you are allowed to rail at God). Lamentations, which is not only pretty, but also a word game (sadly, I don't know Hebrew, so I can't truly appreciate it. But I've been assured that it's there).

Least favorite - some of the minor prophets get a wee bit redundant. Especially if read one after another.

[OtakuLoki]

My favorite books include, in no particular order,


Genesis
Job
Ruth
John
Acts
Proverbs
Song of Solomon



Are you guys christians? If not, how come you have read so much of the bible?

I'm Catholic, but that's only part of the reason I read the Bible. There are gobs and gobs of great literature out there that reference the Bible, build scenarios from it, or even offer alternate view points. To have a decent understanding of those works, I believe one needs to have a decent of at least the parts of the Bible that they reference. Like it or not Western Civilization has a lot of culture rooted in the Bible.

[Oslo Ostragoth]

I'm not a Christian now, but I was raised one. When I was a kid, I tried (and failed) to read the Bible straight through. As a teenager, I'd read the Bible during church to avoid the deadly dullness of the sermon.
Dang, I wish I'd thought of that. People would have thought much more highly of me, too.

[Dung Beetle]

Dang, I wish I'd thought of that. People would have thought much more highly of me, too.
Well, we got in trouble when we tried to play cards. ;)

[Malthus]

"Scorpion" = a whip with metal barbs in it.

Cool. I did not know that.

I sort of pictured Rehoboham as a James-Bond-Villian-like character, complete with scorpion pit. :D

[Invisible Chimp]

I like Genesis, Exodus, Proverbs, Song of Solomon, Ecclesiastes, Samuel I and II, the Gospels, and Revelations. You've got the stories of the patriarchs, Moses and Egypt, great wisdom, sexy poetry, more wisdom, King David, Jesus, and the end of the world. I don't believe in it, but the Bible is a great piece of literature.

[Lightray]

The Song of Solomon

here is the first chapter ...
1. The song of songs, which is Solomon's...
Now that's what I'm talkin' about.

Reading that was the point where I started thinking "This G-d guy, he's pretty cool. He's just got really bad PR people working for him nowadays."

[Bippy the Beardless]

Now that's what I'm talkin' about.

Reading that was the point where I started thinking "This G-d guy, he's pretty cool. He's just got really bad PR people working for him nowadays."
I find reading the old testament, like you would read The Illiad or The Obysey, gives a much better feeling and view of the book. Then reading the new testament gospels like conflicting and mixed up news reports, and the rest of the new testament like web pages and blogs, leads to a much better view of the whole bible.

[Bertie Wooster]

Joshua, I believe.
Numbers, 31. Looked it up. As for my least avorite, it would be all those bits mentioning that a portion for Gad had been divvied out and then to the side of that a portion for Naphtali, etc.

[Antinor01]

The endless geneologies are the biggest snooze ever, don't need em. The ones that cover the same stuff, like the gospels..condense them into one and call it good.

I rather like Revelation, after 25 books that are about being nice to your neighbor and all that, getting an ass-kicking god back is refreshing.

[middleman]

I agree Job is the obvious "least favorite" part. But let me add The Passover story from Exodous.

When I was in college, my best friend (Jewish) had me over for Passover Dinner. I accepted and enjoyed it, but after dinner he and I were talking, I asked him was it bad that we just enjoyed a wonderful feast that celebrated the massacre of Egyptian babies?

He said had never thought about that. Since then, every passover he calls me and wishes me a happy baby killing.

[cactus waltz]

In fact, I've started to really enjoy the Genesis just because of the preachings of KRS-One (yes, that's right):


Well black kids follow me
Genesis chapter eleven verse ten
Explains the geneology of Chem
Chem was a black man, in Africa
If you repeat this fact they can't laugh at ya
Genesis fourteen verse thirteen
Abraham steps on the scene
Being a descendent of Chem which is a fact
Means, Abraham too was black
Abraham born in the city of a black man
Called Nimrod grandson of Kam
Kam had four sons, one was named Canaan
Here, let me do some explaining
Abraham was the father of Isaac
Isaac was the father of Jacob
Jacob had twelve sons, for real
And these, were the children of Isreal
According to Genesis chapter ten
Egyptains descended from {Hahm,Kam}
Six hundred years later, my brother, read up
Moses was born in Egypt
In this era black Egyptians weren't right
They enslaved black Isrealites
Moses had to be of the black race
Because he spent fourty years in Pharoah's place
He passed as the Pharoah's grandson
So he had to look just like him
Yes my brothers and sisters take this here song
Yo, correct the wrong

[Dr. Rieux]

Favorite--Ecclesiates, the only book in the Bible that reads like philosophy.
Least Favorite--all those stupid laws in Leviticus and the rest of the Pentateuch. Come on--trying to pass of the customs and prejudices of your obscure little tribe as the Word of God? Who's gonna fall for that?

[BobLibDem]

No votes for the beatitudes yet? Then I nominate the entire 5th chapter of Matthew. We all know the beatitudes well, but I find the rest of the chapter equally challenging:


"You have heard that it was said, 'An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth.'But I say to you, offer no resistance to one who is evil. When someone strikes you on (your) right cheek, turn the other one to him as well.

If anyone wants to go to law with you over your tunic, hand him your cloak as well.

Should anyone press you into service for one mile, 26 go with him for two miles.

Give to the one who asks of you, and do not turn your back on one who wants to borrow.

"You have heard that it was said, 'You shall love your neighbor and hate your enemy.'But I say to you, love your enemies, and pray for those who persecute you, that you may be children of your heavenly Father, for he makes his sun rise on the bad and the good, and causes rain to fall on the just and the unjust.

For if you love those who love you, what recompense will you have? Do not the tax collectors 28 do the same? And if you greet your brothers only, what is unusual about that? Do not the pagans do the same?


Even if you don't accept the divinity of Christ, what a better world it would be if we all lived with this philosophy.

As for least favorite, I have to go with Revelation. I'm in the camp that it was meant to give hope to those persecuted under Roman rule and that the 666 was plainly referring to Nero. It's my opinion that those churches that make Revelation a central part of their preaching miss the point entirely. Of course, you may disagree and neither of us is going to be proven wrong.

[Malacandra]

And that's exactly the attitude the book is protesting. I've always been fascinated by how Job and Ecclesiastes, two books that pile scorn on the idea that God rewards the good and punishes the bad, made their way into the Canon, and how few people realize how subversive they are.

But the point of Job, I suppose, is that though God in general does reward the good and punish the bad, there are occasions when this, by all that we can tell, does not happen - and when it does, we are to remember that we're in no position either to make a judgment call on God or to call him to account. I don't know Ecclesiastes as well. God says to Job "Here's a basic checklist of all you need to do before you're in a position to question me: 1. build your own universe out of nothing...".

[BrainGlutton]

But the point of Job, I suppose, is that though God in general does reward the good and punish the bad, there are occasions when this, by all that we can tell, does not happen - and when it does, we are to remember that we're in no position either to make a judgment call on God or to call him to account. I don't know Ecclesiastes as well. God says to Job "Here's a basic checklist of all you need to do before you're in a position to question me: 1. build your own universe out of nothing...".

It's also important to remember that Job is probably the work of divers hands at different times. The prevailing theory is that the "Prose Job" (the introductory/historical chapters 1 and 2, and the concluding chapter 42) was added to an older "Poetic Job." http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Book_of_Job#Authorship In the orginal story, there was no bet between God and Satan; Job simply suffered for no explained reason. (Which is what happens IRL.) And there was no happy ending, either.

[Charger]

I don't like Revelation simply because of what it's done to Christianity. Everyone who tries to attach a meaning to something (ie. "This symbolizes the war in Iraq") and the whole "sky is falling" attitude are really making Christianity discussions very grating. That, and I hate how people keep adding an "s" to the end of "Revelation."

[BrainGlutton]

You knew someone was gonna do it . . . :D

'Now,' said the prison charlie, 'listen to the Word of the Lord.' Then he picked up the big book and flipped over the pages, keeping on wetting his fingers to do this by licking them splurge splurge. He was a bolshy great burly bastard with a very red litso, but he was very fond of myself, me being a young lad and also now very interested in the big book. It had been arranged as part of my like further education to read in the book and even have music on the chapel stereo while I was reading, O my brothers. And that was real horrorshow. They would like lock me in and let me slooshy holy music by J.S. Bach and G.F. Handel, and I would read of these starry yahoodies tolchocking each other and then peeting their Hebrew vino and getting on to the bed with their wives' like handmaidens, real horrorshow. That kept me going, brothers. I didn't so much kopat the later part of the book, which is more like all preachy govoreeting than fighting and the old in-out. But one day the charles said to me, squeezing me like tight with his bolshy beefy rooker, 'Ah, 6655321, think on the divine suffering. Meditate on that, my boy.' And all the time he had this rich manny von of Scotch on him, and then he went off to his little cantora to peet some more. So I read all about the scourging and the crowning with thorns and then the cross veshch and all that cal, and I viddied better that there was something in it. While the stereo played bits of lovely Bach I closed my glazzies and viddied myself helping in and even taking charge of the tolchocking and the nailing in, being dressed in a like toga that was the heighth of Roman fashion.

-- A Clockwork Orange, Anthony Burgess

[Little Bird]

Matthew 6 (http://www.skepticsannotatedbible.com/mt/6.html)
Um, hey guys, this is Jesus. You know all that stuff you do to show everybody how Christian you are and how much you love me and how much better you are than everyone else? Cut it out.

[ouryL]

I love reading of Jonah - comedy disguised as a Bible lesson and Nehimiah - a drama with no "miracles".

[Anne Neville]

When I was in college, my best friend (Jewish) had me over for Passover Dinner. I accepted and enjoyed it, but after dinner he and I were talking, I asked him was it bad that we just enjoyed a wonderful feast that celebrated the massacre of Egyptian babies?

He said had never thought about that. Since then, every passover he calls me and wishes me a happy baby killing.

You're probably going to owe my MIL a new tablecloth in a couple of weeks. I just know I'll end up thinking about this during Seder, and probably at some point where I'll laugh wine out through my nose. :D

[Sampiro]

I love the whole story of David. It seems a lot more "real" than most of the biblical narratives- you know this guy by the time it's finished. Such a pity there's never been a much better movie about him (though a miniseries would be better, though they'd mangle it I'm sure.) My favorite moments are his relationship with Saul (love-hate mentor-enemy) and Jonathan (note: I do not see it as a gay affair), Bathsheba and the dramatic highpoint- the all male pieta remix as he holds the body of Absalom (not the first son lost to deeds he can blame himself for). Even Abishag in old age- this is a character worthy of Shakespeare (and I was really glad to see somebody else make the Godfather analogy- I've often wondered if that was Puzo's inspiration).

Other faves: Abraham (also a very human character) and Jacob (he wrestled with an angel- how cool is that? And he's the one who stayed in the tents with the women, imagine what Esau would have done to the angel!). Parts of the gospels.

Least faves: the Epistles, the books of law, and other things that are so clearly tied to a particular place and time. It's almost like reading Assyrian recipes and zoning ordinances.

Revelations: it's so clearly either coded or written by a wildly delusional zealot, and I've no idea why so many people still take it so seriously (its vagueness is so malleable I suppose).

[Sampiro]

One of my favorite ever overheard items happened in a grocery store a few years ago. I ran into "Miss Maude", a former schoolteacher who had since retired and was the type of sweet Aunt Clara (http://i18.photobucket.com/albums/b115/EowynB/Bewitched/auntclara.gif) type lil' ol' ladies who has nothing of interest to say but doesn't let that stop them from talking forever and ever to anybody who's too polite to walk away. She was also the type who can put the LOL in Little Old Lady, but never intentionally.

We were at the meat counter in the grocery store and she was blathering on and on sweetly and boringly about her petunias or some such and I smiled and nodded and tried to name all of the presidents in reverse chronological order in my mind to seem interested when a lady came up, looked in Ms. Maude's basket and said "Excuse me, ma'am, but I notice you're buying kidneys... I've never bought those but they're so cheap I probley should get some. Could you tell me how you fix them?"

Miss Maude: "Well, dear, I just boil them in some water with some salt and pepper and seasonings and then leave them to cool on some paper towels and then when they're cool enough to touch I tear 'em into small chunks."

Woman: Hmmm. Do they taste okay?

Miss Maude: Well, I don't eat 'em personally, but I don't like red meat [insert long story about why she doesn't eat red meat here], but Sam and Lou and Ray and Josie eat 'em like there's no tomorrow!

Woman: Hmmm. Well, it's less than a dollar, I'll get some and try that. Thanks!

Miss Maude continued talking about her petunias or whatever, then when the woman was long out of earshot she cocked her head and asked, completely innocently and seriously, "Do you suppose I should have told that lady that I only cook kidneys for my cats?"

[Sampiro]

AAAAAAAGGGGGGGGG!!!!! Please pardon that last one. It was meant for another thread. (Second time today I've done that- must be the new computer tabbing.)

[Lightray]

Hee. I was figguring that you were heading toward some Exodus-based dietary rule. Like maybe she'd mixed dairy with her kidneys. :)

[BrainGlutton]

Least faves: the Epistles, the books of law, and other things that are so clearly tied to a particular place and time. It's almost like reading Assyrian recipes and zoning ordinances.

You think those are dull?! I bet your town's zoning ordinances don't prescribe impalement for violators!

[Mississippienne]

I love the whole David and Jonathan story. The King James version really brings the homoerotic.

"And it came to pass... that the soul of Jonathan was knit with the soul of David, and Jonathan loved him as his own soul." (I Sam. 18)

"Then Jonathan and David made a covenant, because he loved him as his own soul." (I Sam. 18: 3)

Stripping!

"And Jonathan stripped himself of the robe that was upon him, and gave it to David, and his garments, even to his sword, and his bow, and his girdle." (I Sam. 18: 4)

Passionate declarations of love!

"Then said Jonathan unto David, Whatsoever thy soul desireth, I will even do it for thee." (I Sam. 20: 4)

Romantic walks in the field!

"Then Jonathan said unto David, Come, and let us go out into the field. And they went out both of them into the field." (I Sam. 20: 11)

Disapproving father!

"Then Saul's anger was kindled against Jonathan, and he said unto him, Thou son of the perverse rebellious woman, do not I know that thou hast chosen the son of Jesse to thine own confusion, and unto the confusion of thy mother's nakedness?" (I Sam. 20: 30)

The climax!

"David arose out of a place towards the south, and fell on his face to the ground, and bowed himself three times: and they kissed one another, and wept with one another, until David exceeded." (I Sam. 20: 41)

Pillow talk!

"And Jonathan said to David, Go in peace, foreasmuch as we have sworn both of us in the name of the LORD, saying the LORD be between me and thee, and between my seed and thy seed forever." (I Sam. 20: 42)

Sad ending!

"I am distressed for thee, my brother Jonathan: very pleasant hast thou been unto me: thy love to me was wonderful, passing the love of women." (II Sam. 1: 26)

[Sampiro]

I bet your town's zoning ordinances don't prescribe impalement for violators!

Guess again. (http://www.barraclou.com/photo/skyline/al/welcome_alabama.jpg)

[BrainGlutton]

The climax!

"David arose out of a place towards the south, and fell on his face to the ground, and bowed himself three times: and they kissed one another, and wept with one another, until David exceeded." (I Sam. 20: 41)

I must say I have never before considered the carnal-pun potential of the word "exceeded" . . .