Favorite Made Up Star Trek Lines

[carnivorousplant]

No limit on these.

Kirk: "Spock, how long have we got?"
Spock: "Captain, in 1.9999999999..."
Kirk: "TWO Spock, dammit, the answer is two!


I was just watching "the Devil in the Dark".
Kirk briefs the security guys and dismisses them.
"Well, you have your instructions, get to it!"
"Oh, you, Black guy in a red shirt?"
"Sir?"
"Is you Star Fleet Insurance paid up?"

From Amok Time
Kirk: "Spock, analysis."
Spock: "Analysis? Dammit, you get me laid and I'll get you an analysis!"

[blondebear]

From any number of possible episodes:

McCoy: "Dammit, Jim, I'm a __________ , not a doctor!!!!"

[Ephemera]

Panda.

[DonutSprinkle]

First, here is something said by Kirk, in a blooper reel (paraphrased):

"What gives you the right..?! You've got no right! We got the right..." [cracks up]

Now for the imaginary:

McCoy to Spock: "So, have you given any more thought to having the ears docked?"

Commander Data: "There is something affecting my positronic matrix..." [twitches] "...make me feel like... jello."

Family Guy had a good take on the red shirt delimma (paraphrasing again)...

Kirk: "Okay, we'll take a team and beam down to the planet. Spock, Scotty, McCoy, you're with me... and you, Ensign Skippy."

Ensign Skippy: "Aw, crap!"

[JThunder]

"Perhaps we would have more power if Engineer Scott connected your mouth to a generator, Doctor."

[NoClueBoy]

Archer (after receiving yet another college water polo match video):

"Ooh boy! Young men in speedos! Yippee!!!









I'll be in my quarters."

[carnivorousplant]

NoClue, that was just ugly.


Funny, but ugly.

[NoClueBoy]

Worf: "Wake up, Wesley. Time to die."


Picard: "Counselor, and I mean this in the nicest of ways... SHUT THE FUCK UP!"


Kirk: "Hey, baby. You know what would look good on you? Me!"


Chekov: "Davy Jones my ass."


Quark: "Morn!"


Porthos: "Arf."

[carnivorousplant]

This is doing better than I expected.

[pokey]

Picard: "Data, you little...nibbler."

One time my brother had me convinced that I'd missed an episode where everyone got drunk and Picard slapped Data on the back and called him a little nibbler. I'm still not 100% sure it wasn't an actual episode that I missed.

[JThunder]

"Och, Captain! Let the crew die but dinna hurt me engines!"

[blondebear]

Okay, I'm back for another:

Any minor Enterprise crewmember selected for a scouting party:
Hey, I'm not beaming down with you guys...someone always gets killed down there!!!"

[Monstre]

Trip: "No! Don't even think about it. If you reverse the polarity of the injectors, it will blow up the ship."

[JThunder]

"Yes, Jim. I'm a doctor and a masseuse."

[pinkfreud]

"Beat me up, Scotty."

[Bryan Ekers]

This is the way I wish the "augment" episodes on Enterprise had ended. It's not comical, though:

Malik does something particularly violent. T'Pol inhales sharply, stands up and approaches him, clearly furious. He laughs dismissively at her but as she continues her approach, he throws a punch at her. His laughing abruptly stops when she catches his fist, and he screams in pain when with one solid smash, she breaks his arm at the elbow (insert special effect of human arm bent in backward V-shape). He falls. Other augments lunge forward to attack T'Pol and she just destroys them, and not in some over-choreographed kung-fu pastiche, but just a savage fists-breaking-bricks pounding, with elbows-in-noses, Vulcan nerve pinches that lead to the audible snapping of collarbones, that sort of thing. T'Pol stands over the fallen Malik as he tries to crawl away from her, his arrogance replaced by fear.

T'Pol: Did you think you were unique? Did you imagine these petty acts of sadism marked you as the first of a new and superior breed? This universe is vast. Everything you can do and everything you can imagine has been done, human. [she grabs him by the collar, slams his head back into a wall] Two thousand years ago, my race thought the universe could be taken and all obstacles destroyed. We learned very quickly what was most likely to destroy us was that very belief [significant glance at Archer and Tucker]. We have savageries in our history that make all your petty ambitions look charming and quaint. Ending those savageries was not a casual decision. Embracing logic came at a very high price for us, but the benefit was survival. You've angered me today. You've made me cast off two thousand years of history. If you don't embrace the logic at this moment, you will join the Vulcan warlords in extinction. [he relents, showing his hands in a posture of surrender. She rises to her feet, standing over him] There may come a time when the rest of your species has to make the same decision. [she leaves the chamber, a later scene shows her exhausted and tormented and slowly pulling herself together with Trip's help, who now has a better understanding of why she and all Vulcans are so tightly controlled]

[BrainGlutton]

From a fan-produced convention play:

KIRK: Five to beam up, Scotty!

SCOTT: [incredulous] Ye only lost one security officer, Captain?!

[BrainGlutton]

Any TNG character to Data:


You are not content with being as you are. You desire to become something more like a human, or any organic sentient humanoid. But desire and discontentment are emotions. What makes you think you're emotionless now? If you were, you would be like the ship's computer. You would do everything and only what you're told, and it would never even occur to you to do anything because you want to.


Somebody should have pointed out that fairly obvious point at some point in the series.

OTOH, in "Measure of a Man," (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Measure_of_a_Man) there is a trial to determine whether Data is only property, or a sentient being with civil rights. Riker is assigned to prove he is property and, being Riker, can't do it without putting hall all into it (which causes him some guilt afterwards). But, the following season, in "Tin Man," (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tin_Man_%28TNG_episode%29) Tam Elbrun, a Betazoid so hypertelepathic that he can hardly stand to be around people, says to Data: "Why, I can't read you at all! It's like you're not even there!" If that's the case, then Troi would not be able to detect any emotional presence from Data either, making him different from every other life form she has ever encountered; and that probably would be common knowledge on the ship. So it's something Riker should have used! He should've put Troi on the stand! I mean, it raises the possibility that there's some defining characteristic of "life" which an artificial being, even one of Data's sophistication, lacks entirely.

Picard, OTOH, considering that he's trying not just to win the case but to save Data from being dismantled for study, ought to have raised what lawyers call an alternative theory of the case: If Data is property, whose? If Noonien Soong had any surviving relatives, they might have a better claim to ownership than Starfleet has, and his disposition ought to be put on hold until that possibility is settled. At least it would buy him some time.

(I'm a lawyer, BTW.)

[drewbert]

I've posted this before, but here's (http://drewbert.blogspot.com/2004/06/regarding-zero-hour.html) my take on how Manny Coto should have resolved the stupid Enterprise season three surprise cliffhanger left for him by Berman & Braga. You know, the one with the Nazi alien alternate timeline. I took care of the whole thing before the first commercial break.

[js_africanus]

"Damn it, Jim, I'm a doctor, not a very good actor!"

[Paul in Qatar]

Worf: Come to my cabin Wesley and I'll show you a worm hole.

[Monstre]

"Damn it, Jim, I'm a doctor, not a very good actor!"
I've seen that before... now if I could only remember where I saw or heard it...

[vivalostwages]

"Get a life!"

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Beam me up, Scotty." (This line was actually never spoken in the series, though many people think it was. It's the "Play it again, Sam" of Star Trek.)

-----------------------
"We come in peace, shoot to kill, shoot to kill, shoot to kill"...(NCB will recognize this one.)

[carnivorousplant]

"We come in peace, shoot to kill, shoot to kill, shoot to kill".
Something played on Dr. Demento is my guess.

[Ephemera]

While I don't remember the episode well enough to remember what may have moved T'Pol to such a display, I really like your idea, Bryan Ekers. Not only would it hit people over the head with the oft-forgotten point that Vulcans are just Stoics (why is that so hard to remember?), it could have even gone a little way in legitimizing Blalock's poor acting of the character to show her losing her control so completely.

[Thalion]

"Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes!"

[Bryan Ekers]

While I don't remember the episode well enough to remember what may have moved T'Pol to such a display, I really like your idea, Bryan Ekers.


Thanks. It's not without precedent, though. Spock gets emotion "forced" from him in Plato's Stepchildren and there's this big dramatic where he later crushes a clay goblet of some kind while trying to bring his fury back under control (unlike the brawl in This Side of Paradise, after which Spock recovers instantly).

It had annoyed me that T'Pol's function on Enterprise seemed to be to get yelled at and ignored like some endlessly-patient au-pair hired to watch a bunch of unruly brats. Also, Vulcans generally were seen as obstructions, holding humanity back, with the humans always sneering and chafing. She needed a real patience-losing moment where she says "HEY! Lissen up, idiots! You think you're so damn special? This universe'll squish you like a bug unless you get some self-control! It's time for you to grow the fuck up!"

[JThunder]

"Good grief, man! That's no way to use a deflector dish!"

[IvoryTowerDenizen]

ST:TNG

Any crewmember

"Psst, next time Picard orders the saucer sepearated, let's all drink!"

[BrainGlutton]

Applicable to any series or film post-Enterprise:

The Hell with the Prime Directive! Let's kill something!

[Rysto]

Family Guy had a good take on the red shirt delimma (paraphrasing again)...

Kirk: "Okay, we'll take a team and beam down to the planet. Spock, Scotty, McCoy, you're with me... and you, Ensign Skippy."

Ensign Skippy: "Aw, crap!"
On that note:
"We will be sending some expendable crew members to investigate, and the engineers to get the main systems running." (http://sluggy.com/daily.php?date=971011)

[BrainGlutton]

ST:TNG

Any crewmember

"Psst, next time Picard orders the saucer sepearated, let's all drink!"

Earl Grey! :D

[IvoryTowerDenizen]

Earl Grey! :D


Hot.

[js_africanus]

I've seen that before... now if I could only remember where I saw or heard it...
Google returns a hit (a-trek-into-star-shop-the-next-checkout.co.uk/jokes.html) that tells me it's from a Top Ten list. It must be a pretty obvious joke, though, because I'm pretty sure I heard my brother say it well before 1982, which is when IMBD says "Late Night w/ DL" started.

[NoClueBoy]

Something played on Dr. Demento is my guess.


It's from the extended dance remix 12" single of Star Trekking, Across the Universe

[NoClueBoy]

Google returns a hit (a-trek-into-star-shop-the-next-checkout.co.uk/jokes.html) that tells me it's from a Top Ten list. It must be a pretty obvious joke, though, because I'm pretty sure I heard my brother say it well before 1982, which is when IMBD says "Late Night w/ DL" started.


Don't forget all the Trek conventions we all went to in the 70s. The events often included viewings of new or proposed scif- movies and series, comedy skits and parodies, blooper reels, and clips highlighting the actors' other film and TV experience. Seeing Spock and McCoy in Westerns was fun, as was seeing Kirk as a Russian, Scotty as a policeman, and other fun, fun things.

So, it's very likely someone heard that line long, long ago...

[Enter the Flagon]

Kirk: Misterrrrrrr Spock.

Spock: Captain?

Kirk: You are faimiliar with green female alien I bedded just before the commercial break?

Spock: Yes, Captain?

Kirk: Well, I imagined that she was you.

Spock: (Raising eyebrow) Fascinating.

[vivalostwages]

It's from the extended dance remix 12" single of Star Trekking, Across the Universe

Geek Boy. :D

[kunilou]

After Picard/Locutus demands the Enterprise surrender to the Borg, Ricker responds by channeling all the ship's power into one giant phaser blast. This succeds in only knocking a minor chip off the Borg ship.

Riker: Damn! Resistance IS futile.

____________

Nurse Chapel: I know I'm just the producer's girlfriend, Mr. Spock, but I do love you.

____________

Ensign Ro: I was just as hot as Ashley Judd. I had a better role than Ashley Judd. Ashely Judd became a big movie star. What happened?

[NoClueBoy]

We are the Borg. You will be allowed to live life as you choose. Resistance is measured in ohms. (http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showpost.php?p=3198499&postcount=33)





welcome aboard, Flagon! That was great! :dubious:

[carnivorousplant]

Kirk: Well, I imagined that she was you.

Spock: (Raising eyebrow) Fascinating.

Spock: Whats does it mean, "slash"?

[cmkeller]

My favorite trio from the Mad Magazine parody of Star Trek IV:

Kirk: We need some local information. Uhuru, go hustle some sailors.
Uhuru: We're in San Francisco, sir.
Kirk: Right...Sulu, go hustle some sailors.

Later, that whale biologist whose name I forget begs to come along with Kirk -
Kirk: I'm sure you can find plenty of good men here in the 20th century.
Biologist: In San Francisco?

Finally, the kicker:
Spock: I can't believe we did it.
Kirk: Brought whales from the twentieth century to decipher an alien probe's message?
Spock: No, that we spent the whole time in San Francisco and only made two bad gay jokes.

[ASAKMOTSD]

Ever since I heard Patrick Stewart do a commercial for General Motors, I keep thinking that an appropriate like would have been, "Mr. Data, bring the Pontiac"

[carnivorousplant]

My favorite trio from the Mad Magazine parody of Star Trek IV:

Kirk: We need some local information. Uhuru, go hustle some sailors.
Uhuru: We're in San Francisco, sir.
Kirk: Right...Sulu, go hustle some sailors.


Ladies and Gentlemen, we have a winner.

[js_africanus]

Bones: (In hushed voice) Jim, this is the fourth red-shirted bastard you've shot this month. We can't keep blaming these shooting deaths on "aliens," the admiralty is already suspicious.

Kirk: I know! I know! It's not my fault they don't put sights (www.startrek.com/imageuploads/200312/pro-tos-phaser/320x240.jpg) on these damned things!

[kingpengvin]

Ensign Deadmeat: Well just one week left and I'm finished my tour

Lt. Goner: So you gonna re up or what?

Ensign Deadmeat: Are you kidding?!? DO you know how many friends I lost in the one year I've been aboard?!?! I've had friends vapourized, eaten, crushed, even drained of their life fluids by smelly death clouds.

Did you know the Security Cadets refer to the Enterprise as the USS Deathtrap

I have had buddies snapped, zapped, sered, speared, mashed, smashed, gored, gooed, flayed, sprayed, fried, and eletrified. I've seen it all, but you know what the last straw for me was?

Lt Goner: What?

Ensign Deadmeat: That cold hearted bastard beamed two of our guys into space....

Lt Goner: I know that was cold but remember those snotty kids made him think we were still orbiting the planet.

Ensign Deadmeat: yeah but the bald, fat bastard went onto his next mission instead of turning this crate around to get the guys he left behind. I heard a rumour that one had to eat the other just to stay alive long enough to be picked up by a passing frieghter.

That's it.. I'm finished with this shit. next time you see me I'll be kicking it up on a beach on Earth where I don't have to do shit for anything! Dad was right I was a stupid idiot! But no more in a week I'll be...

Lt Uhura: Attention Ensign Deadmeat report to captain Kirk in the transporter room.

Ensign Deadmeat: Ahhhh hell!

[Chanteuse]

Worf: "Wake up, Wesley. Time to die."

Chekov: "Davy Jones my ass."


These two are my favorites so far--with that first one at the top of the list (I really hated that Wesley character)!

[Enright3]

Kirk: Misterrrrrrr Spock.

Spock: Captain?

Kirk: Stooooooooppppppp scaaaaanning Lt. Uhura !!!!

[saoirse]

From the episode with the Kelvins:

Kelvin Commander (shaking pill case): We have found that these provide all the nutrientsd we need.

McCoy (aside to Kirk): What are they doing for roughage?

***

Later in the episode, after we see Kirk awakening sexual feelings and jealousy in two Kelvins, and Scotty getting another drunk:

McCoy (proffering a silver cup to a Kelvin): We call it coffee. It's a mild stimulant that allows us to function more efficiently.

[Spoke]

Scotty: Well, our dilithium crystals are OK, but the alternator is shot!

[ddgryphon]

Neither of these are mine, but:

A black comedian was doing the Keldian scenario where a female ensign and a black security officer are turned into cubes:

Kelvin: We've come from a galaxy far away to turn your crewmembers into cubes.
(sound effects, pretends to be turned into cube)
Kirk: Spock Analysys.
Spock: Captain, the N*gg*r is a cube.

Captain Kirk finds Spock and Nurse Chapel having sex:

Kirk: Spock, What are you doing?
Spock: It's all right captain, we're engaged.
Kirk: Well. . .well. . .disengage!