Mr. Universe sent me a freakin' Chick Tract!

[Stoid]

All I wanted was a better grip, man...

Lemme splain: I was looking for workout gloves (I'm a gymrat now. No, really, I am - it's kinda freakish and hard to believe, but I swear. For months now...blood pressure's dropped 30 points, I could probably kick your ass a little bit.) and I saw on ebay something touted as better for certain lifts than workout gloves. "Power Grips", designed by Mr. Universe/Mr. America/Mr. I Got Big Goddamn Muscles and I've Got Plenty of Awards to Prove It Guy Joe Meeko. They looked handy. Dare I say dandy. I order them. They arrive with astonishing speed.

I greedily rip open the package (I love packages..."Stuff! I have New Stuff!") and what should tumble out along with the Power Grips, (which are, in fact, both handy AND dandy) but a goddamn Chick Tract!!

Oh man... you got fucking Chick Cooties all over my handy dandy new workout stuff! EW!! And worst of all, I GAVE YOU MONEY!!!! DOUBLE EW~!!!

Now I have to feel guilt and shame for being complicit in the spread of Chick Cooties every time I do my lat pulldowns.

Goddamnit.

[astro]

All I wanted was a better grip, man...

Lemme splain: I was looking for workout gloves (I'm a gymrat now. No, really, I am - it's kinda freakish and hard to believe, but I swear. For months now...blood pressure's dropped 30 points, I could probably kick your ass a little bit.) and I saw on ebay something touted as better for certain lifts than workout gloves. "Power Grips", designed by Mr. Universe/Mr. America/Mr. I Got Big Goddamn Muscles and I've Got Plenty of Awards to Prove It Guy Joe Meeko. They looked handy. Dare I say dandy. I order them. They arrive with astonishing speed.

I greedily rip open the package (I love packages..."Stuff! I have New Stuff!") and what should tumble out along with the Power Grips, (which are, in fact, both handy AND dandy) but a goddamn Chick Tract!!

Oh man... you got fucking Chick Cooties all over my handy dandy new workout stuff! EW!! And worst of all, I GAVE YOU MONEY!!!! DOUBLE EW~!!!

Now I have to feel guilt and shame for being complicit in the spread of Chick Cooties every time I do my lat pulldowns.

Goddamnit.


"Unh!"

The power of Christ compels You!

"Unh!"

You're going to burn in Hell unbeliever!

"Unh!"

Godless Whore!

Shut up gloves!

[Boyo Jim]

Could you use one to masturbate?

I'm not sure why that came to mind.

[Lissa]

Could you use one to masturbate?

I'm going go out on a limb, here: I'm generally a tolerant person, but I gotta say anyone who maturbates to a Chick tract is one sick fuck. I've heard of a lot of perversions on the internet, but that takes the cake!

[Zsofia]

Wow! I've never seen one in the wild! You should mount it on your wall.

Er, I mean, you should make a trophy out of it. What you yourself acrobatically do to things on your wall is your own business.

[Boyo Jim]

I'm going go out on a limb, here: I'm generally a tolerant person, but I gotta say anyone who maturbates to a Chick tract is one sick fuck. I've heard of a lot of perversions on the internet, but that takes the cake!

Sorry, I meant the glove, not the tract. I suppose you could use the tract to wipe up afterward.

[Sad and Deranged]

It happened to me once too. I bought a video game, and along with it came a Chick Tract. :mad: Hurray for the feedback system. I actually put "Received video game, but did not appreciate religious spam enclosed" I couldn't get the Chick Tract cooties off my game, but at least people looking up his feedback could avoid him if they didn't want to be spamed too.

I gotta say anyone who maturbates to a Chick tract is one sick fuck.

I hear some guys find Little Susie quite attractive. :dubious:

[Monstera deliciosa]

I greedily rip open the package (I love packages..."Stuff! I have New Stuff!") and what should tumble out along with the Power Grips, (which are, in fact, both handy AND dandy) but a goddamn Chick Tract!!

Oh man... you got fucking Chick Cooties all over my handy dandy new workout stuff! EW!! And worst of all, I GAVE YOU MONEY!!!! DOUBLE EW~!!!

Now I have to feel guilt and shame for being complicit in the spread of Chick Cooties every time I do my lat pulldowns.

Goddamnit.

Was the tract sealed in the original packaging with the grips, or in the packing provided by the eBay seller? I've had at least one eBay seller include religious material with his merchandise (though nothing as odious as a Chick tract.)

In either case, I agree that some sort of purification ceremony is in order.

[Lissa]

In either case, I agree that some sort of purification ceremony is in order.


That's amusing-- Driving out religious superstision with more superstition!

[UncaStuart]

Which tract was it?

[elucidator]

"Bless my soul, Algernon! I believe we have a sighting! The rarely seen Stoid bird! Beeyutiful plumage!..."

[Mangetout]

I would imagine it was slipped into the package by a member of staff by their own decision, rather than included as a matter of company policy. I know that I have seen instructions to the effect that Christians working in packaging jobs should try to insert such material - not sure whereabouts I read it though.

[El Cid Viscoso]

Congrats, Stoid. Keep it up.

Maybe Mr Universe sent you the tract so you could test your strength by ripping it up like a nasty little hate-filled phone book.

[Smeghead]

Mr. Universe sent me a freakin' Chick Tract!

Can't stop the signal, man.

[Mangetout]

The tracts are coming from inside the building. GET OUT NOW!

[RTFirefly]

Can't stop the signal, man.Damn straight. :)

I'm figuring the Buffy-Bot was the one who really sent the tract, since Mr. Universe got killed near the end of Serenity.

[Freddy the Pig]

I'm going go out on a limb, here: I'm generally a tolerant person, but I gotta say anyone who maturbates to a Chick tract is one sick fuck. I've heard of a lot of perversions on the internet, but that takes the cake!The line where the lawyer says, "We'll settle this--on our knees!" (to which one almost involuntarily adds, ". . . bitch!") always gives me a little bit of a stiffie.

[Monty]

I bought a bilingual Bible (KKJV--Korean King James Version) here a couple of months ago because I needed a Bible with Korean in parallel with English and a KJV one also. So, I was thrilled to see the bilingual one! The box it was packed in had some literature in it, including a catalog for Chick tracts in Korean. Scary.

[Pullet]

Masterbating on/with the glove would definitly get the Chick out of them, but then they'd be all sticky.

I suggest submersing them in whiskey followed by 3 hours in a closed box with a tape of AC/DC blasting. Ozzie would also do.

[elucidator]

That would certainly be disorienting.

[GrizzRich]

You should have bought Gorilla-Grips (http://gorilla-grips.com/)

Mine arrived Chick-tract-free!

[Who_me?]

Can't stop the signal, man.

Get out of my head.

[elmwood]

A date once gave me a Chick tract.

Needless to say, there was no second date.

[EddyTeddyFreddy]

A date once gave me a Chick tract.

Needless to say, there was no second date. At last! A truly effective method of abstinence-only birth control!

[Stoid]

You should have bought Gorilla-Grips (http://gorilla-grips.com/)

Mine arrived Chick-tract-free!


Actually, the Power-Grips are a whole 'nother kettle of fish. They grip the bar for you, really, taking the strain off your hands and forearms completely, which is terrific. They can only be used for certain types of exercises, though, since they only work properly facing down.

For aged persons like myself who have incipient arthritis in their hands (or so I assume since my hands are just weaker and more prone to soreness than they were when I was young and spry), they are a fine thing.

[elucidator]

A svelte, fit, porn-addicted Stoid with buns of steel and a libido like a blast furnace. I fear the world is not ready. L.A., maybe, but not the rest of us.

[elucidator]

Action McNews, Los Angeles, November, 2006...

"Another pool boy was found today, drained of precious bodily fluids and cast aside like an old shoe, in what police are calling the Black Dalliance Mystery. Detective Hargrove, what can you tell us about the autopsy report?"

"Well, just as you said, the last drop of precious bodily fluid was expended, causing a sudden demise at the moment of most intense carnality..."

"You mean?....."

"That's right, he didn't know if he was coming or going...."

[Lynn Bodoni]

I would imagine it was slipped into the package by a member of staff by their own decision, rather than included as a matter of company policy. I know that I have seen instructions to the effect that Christians working in packaging jobs should try to insert such material - not sure whereabouts I read it though. I remember a page at the Chick tract site that was devoted to ways that one could "witness" with the tracts...leaving a few in a phone booth, for instance, putting a few on a counter of a public restroom, or slipping a tract into each Trick or Treater's bag (to be fair, I remember that the witnessers were also urged to give candy as well). Most of the methods that were advocated come under my heading of "littering", and I make it a point to scoop up, tear, and discard any tracts I find in the wild. The gym I used to go to always had quite a few scattered around the phone booth, women's locker room, and women's restroom. I think it was an employee who put them there.

[Dead Badger]

I would imagine it was slipped into the package by a member of staff by their own decision, rather than included as a matter of company policy. I know that I have seen instructions to the effect that Christians working in packaging jobs should try to insert such material - not sure whereabouts I read it though.Actually I just found an interview (http://www.midwestchristianbodybuilding.com/joemeeko.htm) with Meeko himself; it's apparently him doing it:
So, I got onto the computer and started the old Power Grip business up again, got involved with helping people with training, diet and exercise. Not just bodybuilding, but everybody on line. I would send out tracts with each pair of Power Grips titled "This is Your Life" and I personally autograph each one and this is one of the ways I try to spread God's word. I got the idea from a company that used to supply me with shipping bottles for a complany I had. With each shipment they would send a tract. That's how I got saved so I figured if it worked for me it's gotta work for somebody else! It doesn't matter if I send out 10,000 tracts, if I hit one person then that's one soul saved

[elmwood]

Most of the methods that were advocated come under my heading of "littering", and I make it a point to scoop up, tear, and discard any tracts I find in the wild.

Good. I do the same thing. A few weeks ago, I saw English and Russian language tracts scaattered around in, of all places, the Maltz Museum of Jewish Heritage in Cleveland. I tried to get as many as I could find, but the place has a lot of nooks and crannies.

Tracts in bathroom stalls are one thing. Placing them around a Jewish museum is over the pale.

[Mindfield]

Thank Og I haven't received a Chick Tract yet. I have, however, received religious cards, pamphlets, a Christian CD, a button, and God's Mints. (Those would be spearmints attached to a tag with a catechism on it)

[Talon Karrde]

What's your problem, you ingrate? He just wanted to help your work out by giving you some Jesus Power! It worked for Pat Robertson!

[Siege]

Actually I just found an interview (http://www.midwestchristianbodybuilding.com/joemeeko.htm) with Meeko himself; it's apparently him doing it:

So, I got onto the computer and started the old Power Grip business up again, got involved with helping people with training, diet and exercise. Not just bodybuilding, but everybody on line. I would send out tracts with each pair of Power Grips titled "This is Your Life" and I personally autograph each one and this is one of the ways I try to spread God's word. I got the idea from a company that used to supply me with shipping bottles for a complany I had. With each shipment they would send a tract. That's how I got saved so I figured if it worked for me it's gotta work for somebody else! It doesn't matter if I send out 10,000 tracts, if I hit one person then that's one soul saved
Here's the problem though. I know a lot of people around here have been turned off Christianity by Chick tracts, and if I'd seen them and they were typical of what I've seen of Christians myself, I'd have sworn off Christianity, too. It seems to me that if, out of 10,000 tracts, 1 person converts and 10 people decide Christians are a bunch of cruel hypocrites who aren't worth associating with, handing them out becomes a losing proposition. One saved; ten condemned; 9,989 indifferent? Sorry. Even to save one soul, I'm not about to send ten others to hell. Then again, I also can't see worshipping a god who'd let someone into heaven because he's a good Christian while condemning someone who was put off Christianity by that same so-called good Christian.

[elucidator]

Shit like this makes Baby Jesus puke His little guts out.

[Uncommon Sense]

What in the Hellfire is a Chick Tract and why's it called that?
I sort of gathered from context what they are but don't know for sure.
At first I thought the OP got girly music (to workout to) in the package.

There, my ignorance abounds.

[Lute Skywatcher]

Wikipedia explains Chick Publications (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chick_Publications) and why they're called "tracts" (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tract_%28literature%29).

[Troy McClure SF]

Mr. Universe sent me a freakin' Chick Tract!
I thought he was Jewish. (imagine Hapy Orthodox Jewish Smiley here)

[drachillix]

I'm going go out on a limb, here: I'm generally a tolerant person, but I gotta say anyone who maturbates to a Chick tract is one sick fuck. I've heard of a lot of perversions on the internet, but that takes the cake!

I see a new porn site idea here here...

[AskNott]

I spent a lot of time cleaning factory restrooms, and I encountered many religious tracts. Some were still tucked behind the tissue dispenser, some were on the floor, but most were in the bowl, reeking of urine.

There were very few in the women's restrooms. I guess most Privvy-vangelists are male.

[Annie-Xmas]

Some Chicklets invaded the Broadway Flea Market a few years back. Word quickly got around for everyone to refuse their tracts and they soon left.

I guess it was "convert a gay for Christ" day or something. :D

[GLWasteful]

I guess most Privvy-vangelists are male.
Okay, now that's a term that I'll be using in the future.

[Lynn Bodoni]

I spent a lot of time cleaning factory restrooms, and I encountered many religious tracts. Some were still tucked behind the tissue dispenser, some were on the floor, but most were in the bowl, reeking of urine.

There were very few in the women's restrooms. I guess most Privvy-vangelists are male. I almost always use the women's restrooms (I used a men's room once, when I was quite pregnant and the women's room was out of service) and I've encountered a few tracts in the women's room. Not terribly often, but they appear now and then.

[Dijon Warlock]

I've heard of a lot of perversions on the internet, but that takes the cake!"Oh, god, yes! YES YES YES!!! Oh god, don't stop, I'm gonna take the cake!!!

Nawp, doesn't work for me.

I used to find the rare Chick tract years ago, but I evidently don't get out enough anymore.

I'm sort of jealous, but at the same time...uninfected.