Cast the evil-twin CASABLANCA!

[Ukulele Ike]

The "Fictional Characters You Associate with One Actor" thread includes LOTS of sanctimonious posts about how Casablanca should never be messed with, never be re-made, never colorized, etc.

Now, I'm in total agreement with all these posters. I bow to none in my respect for Casablanca. But the eagerness of everyone to state the obvious (and to bestow the cinematic equivalent of sainthood) started the Devils In My Head to whispering...

I'd like to invite everyone to join in, imagine themselves as clueless Hollywood moguls looking for the next sure-fire big-bucks thing, and

SCREW UP CASABLANCA!!!!

Okay, the first thing we'll do is remake it. And I say we pay Keanu Reeves fifteen million dollars to take on the role of Rick Blaine.

Who's next?

[Coldfire]

Ilsa Lund Laszlo has to be played by the talented Tori Spelling.

[Coldfire]

I forgot to say that miss Spellings salary will be 20 million bucks US and a nosejob.

[Fretful Porpentine]

Set it in modern-day America (cf. the Ethan Hawke version of Great Expectations). This would, of course, render the plot entirely meaningless, but one could fill in the gaps with nudity and explosions.

[kunilou]

Make it a screwball comedy, where the letters of transit keep ending up in someone else's luggage and Rick and Ilsa get into all sorts of zany scrapes trying to get them back.

[John Corrado]

Okay, okay, so we set it in this futuristic post-apocalypse-world, and we switch all the genders around, and we get Pamela Anderson to play Rick.

What? Been done?



Okay, how about this- we actually move it to present-day California, except instead of being about resistance to Nazi oppression, we make it loose-cool beach dudes surfing aganst "The Man". We get Pauly Shore to play Rick and Jim Carrey to play Louie in sort of an Ace Ventura thing. Love interest, love interest- hey, why not combine the roles of Ilsa and the piano-player, and we'll get Madonna to play the part! It's perfect!

Then, let's see, it's a comedy, so the part of the California Health Authority guy trying to close down this beach house will be... Gilbert! Gilbert Godfried!

Great concept. Let's do lunch.

[casdave]

Replace the pianist with a double turntable and a rap artist.

[Ukulele Ike]

Excellent ideas, folks! I like the cut of your jib!

Obviously, we have to go for the Youth Market here. Teenagers are the only ones who go see the same movie over and over, so it'll need to appeal to them. I think we might be able to get Eminem for the part of Sam...

And we can't have Nazis. Teenagers don't know from Nazis. What can we have instead of Nazis?

Parents?

[Crunchy Frog]

Luke Perry as Rick Blaine
Molly Ringwald as Ilsa Lund
Anthony Michael Hall as Victor Lazlo
OJ Simpson as Captain Louis Renault
Howard Stern as Major Heinrich Strasser
Tommy Chong as Signor Ferrari
Quentin Tarantino as Ugarte
Kid Rock as Sam

[SwimmingRiddles]

Worse, Ike. Aliens. In our teenage version, Rick is played by Freddie Prinze, Jr., and Ilse is played...in a darling cinematic debut...by Britney Spears. In fact, she is so moved by DJ Sam's beat bustin' version of "You Must Remeber This, yo yo yo," that she herself breaks into her newest hit "song."

And instead of not getting on the plane and regretting it, Ilse will consider not getting on a space shuttle, as the planet is under attack by the aforementioned aliens. She will, as we all know. But there's something the writers of the original never considered: sequel potential. We set that up by having Ilse's final words to Rick be, "I'm pregant," as the space shuttle taxis away. We're talking BILLIONS here.

[manhattan]

It should go without saying that in the remake, Rick will actually say, "Play it again, Sam."

[Robot Arm]

Hmm, Peter Falk, Louise Fletcher and Scatman Crothers? Too late.

How about

Rick : Leonardo DiCaprio
Sam : Whoopi Goldberg
Ilsa : Bugs Bunny in drag

[Arnold Winkelried]

Please! Who needs teen-age actors?

With the perfectioning of computer graphics, we can have a digitally rendered teenage Humphrey Bogart, Ingrid Bergmen, Paul Henreid, Claude Rains, Conrad Veidt, Sydney Greenstreet and Peter Lorre.

The vilain du jour being of course the Muslim terrorist, the setting doesn't even have to be changed! The nazis will now be USA-hating musims with turbans and fancy beards. The teenage Humphrey Bogart will have some gnarly tattooes on his well-developped biceps, and the teenage Ingrid Bergman will wear short tank tops revealing her well-toned midriff, with a pierced belly button. We will have something that was sorely lacking in the original, a long scene showing Ingrid Bergman undulating over Humphrey Bogart's naked supine body, while they both moan in unison with unbearable sexual ecstasy. Sydney Greenstreet's bar will turn into a rave with glowlights and pounding dance music. Instead of singing "La Marseillaise", a crowd at the rave will sing a hip-hop version of "America the Beautiful" or some other patriotic crowd-pleaser. The young Humphrey Bogart will of course have mucho guns and other weaponry at his disposal, and the path to the airport will be eased by plowing their way through a ton of mangled and exploded bodies thanks to the prowess of Rick, while Ingrid Bergman happens to be a martial arts expert who will knock down a few plug-uglies. Thankfully, one thing remains constant in Hollywood movies, and Sam can remain the token black character, except, as mentioned above, that he will have two turntables and a microphone instead of a beat-up analog music-making device.

I submit that this new Casablanca may very well prove superior to the original in terms of box-office grosses.

[mrblue92]

Well, the ending just has to go. I'm sorry--it's good, but it just not flying with the test audiences. The public wants a happy ending for Rick, so instead we'll have Laszlo killed by Strasser, Ilsa shoot Strasser in revenge, and Rick single-handedly kills the rest of the Nazis/Muslims/Aliens with his outstanding martial arts skills, ending the menace once and for all. That way we can have a happy ending and Rick ends up bedding his girl.

Won't that be great? By the way, I think Jean-Claude Van Damme was an excellent choice for Rick...

[mrblue92]

(Just between you and me, Strasser isn't really dead, and neither is Laszlo, so we can bring them both back for CASABLANCA 2: Strasser's Revenge. But don't tell anybody...)

[lucie]

Rick (Keanu Reeves) takes out the entire German occupation force using Matrix-style slo-mo kung fu.

Ilsa (Callista Flockhart) leaves Rick to rejoin her lover, Yvette (Janeanne Garofalo) in the French underground. A devastated Rick is forced to make love to an apple pie instead.

[casdave]

We need to get this more pc for the modern enlightened audience.

For starters we can have all the cigarettes replaced with those plastic nicotine dispensors.

Sydney Greenstreet should be replaced with a Spice Girl

[panamajack]

casdave, by 'replacing' Sydney Greenstreet do you mean we should go to his grave, dig it up, and stuff a Spice Girl in there? I'm all for that. (the wierd thing is that I just did a search on 'Sydney Greenstreet' on google and the first thing that came up was findagrave.com)

I actually thought Barb Wire was pretty funny.

[Robot Arm]

Originally posted by panamajack
I actually thought Barb Wire was pretty funny.


Yeah, and we all know what a hoot Casablanca was.

[John Bredin]

"Worse, Ike. Aliens."

Some sci-fi show -- probably Outer Limits -- within the last couple of years did a Casablanca remake with aliens substituting for the Nazis. I remember distinctly that it was a syndicated show, since I don't have cable.

Call me a heretic, but it wasn't that bad.

[Odieman]

Patrick Swayze as Rick Blaine
Brooke Shields as Ilsa Lund
Tony Danza as Victor Lazlo
William Shatner as Captain Louis Renault
Peter McNicol as Major Heinrich Strasser
Drew Carey as Signor Ferrari
Joe Piscapo (Hey he's making a comeback ) as Ugarte
Eminem as Sam
Theu ultimate Casablanca, bad acting combined with miscasting creates the ultimate Hollywood Classic. Of Course "As time Goes By" would be replaced by"Leave the Weenie Bitch" and ten other classic Eminem songs.

[Little Nemo]

A lot of interesting casting choices. But Hollywood already cast David Soul in the role of Rick Blaine and how are you gonna top that?

I'm going to do an end run and hire Chris Columbus and Joe Eszterhas to collaborate on our script. I figure their screenplay will guarantee us a bomb even if we screw up and cast decent actors.

[Junior Spaceman]

Originally posted by manhattan
It should go without saying that in the remake, Rick will actually say, "Play it again, Sam."

What do you mean, say it? It will be like a catchphrase, and all the characters will get a chance to use at least once (even if there's nobody else around).

HenrySpencer

[Kilt-wearin' man]

Folks, you're missing the big picture (although the terrorist angle is good....) We have to think BLOCKBUSTER!!!


So....

Rick Blaine: Arnold Schwarzenegger ("Uff all ze gin joints in all ze tounz in all ze world, she walks into miene.")
Ilsa Lund: Sophie Marceau
Victor Lazlo: Liam Neeson
Captain Louis Renault: Steve Buscemi
Major Heinrich Strasser: Clint Eastwood
Signor Ferrari: Billy Dee Williams
Sam: Ray Charles (ya gotta admit, this last choice ain't so bad...)

[Sublight]

Fists of Casablanca

Set in 1939 Beijing, with Japanese soldiers instead of Nazis.

Rick: Jackie Chan
Ilsa: Michelle Yeoh
Sam: Jet Li
Strasser: Sho Kosugi

For all I know, this may very well have already been done.

--sublight.

[plnnr]

Spike Lee does Casblanca

The cast of "Compton" will include:

Rick: Denzel Washington
Ilsa: Halle Berry or Vanessa Williams
Victor: Morgan Freeman (too old? Samuel L. Jackson)
Strasser: Ving Rames
Renault: Spike Lee
Ferrai: James Earl Jones
Ugarti: Chris Rock
Sam: Marvin Hamlisch

[Freyr]

No, no, no! You got it all wrong!

In the Millenium version of Casablanca the real reason that Rick tells Ilsa to get on the plane with Victor is 'cause he and Louie are in a torrid love affair!

NOW the ending makes sense!

[JosephFinn]

Originally posted by Sublight
Fists of Casablanca

Set in 1939 Beijing, with Japanese soldiers instead of Nazis.

Rick: Jackie Chan
Ilsa: Michelle Yeoh
Sam: Jet Li
Strasser: Sho Kosugi

For all I know, this may very well have already been done.

--sublight.


Strangley, not a bad description of "Fists of Legend," the classic Japanese occupation film starring Yeun-Fat Chow.

[Dinsdale]

Great cast suggestions. All I can offer is instead of Mr. Greenstreet, Mr. Loaf.
I think a hip hop musical would also have possibilities.
And let's not forget the most important element of modern moviemaking -- product placement!
"Play it again, Sam on your Casio 5000 Digital Tunemeister."

[Fear Itself]

Here is Paramount's effort, design to burn up a little more of that $150 million, twenty picture deal with a certain actor:

Rick: Eddie Murphy
Ilsa: Eddie Murphy
Victor: Eddie Murphy
Strasser: Eddie Murphy
Renault: Eddie Murphy
Ferrai: Eddie Murphy
Ugarti: Eddie Murphy
Sam: Eddie Murphy

[kunilou]

Foreget the youth market, we want the nostalgic adults who never go to movies anymore. Accordingly, there's only one choice for our star-crossed couple

Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan.

[kawliga]

Casablanca - a movie for guys who like movies

Rick...Steven Seagal
Ilsa...Erika Eleniak
Laszlo...Dolph Lungren
Renault...Chuck Norris
Ferrari...Charles Bronson
Ugarte...Rob Schneider
Sam...Shaquille O'Neal

[Easy Tokyo]

All remakes have to be set in L.A. or Manhattan.
(Coincidence? Or Dolly Grip union rules?)

The war has to become the war on drugs, with the Colombian drug lords as the heavies.

[JBENZ]

Two Words:

Mup
Pets


JB
Here's lookin' at you Pig.

[Scribe]

I'll have a go, with the casting of the 50s/60s B-movie version, Beach Blanket Casablanca...

Rick...Frankie Avalon
Ilsa...Annette Funicello
Victor Lazlo...Pat Boone
Louis...Pepe Le Peu
Signor Ferrari...Zero Mostel
Ugarte...John Banner
Sam...Arch Hall Jr.

[Kilt-wearin' man]

Muppets...yeah, I can see it...Jbenz, you are a GENIUS!!!

"Play it again, Animal..."

[matt_mcl]

Originally posted by Freyr
No, no, no! You got it all wrong!

In the Millenium version of Casablanca the real reason that Rick tells Ilsa to get on the plane with Victor is 'cause he and Louie are in a torrid love affair!

NOW the ending makes sense!

I thought that was the real reason.

"Ricky is the sort of man... well, if I were a woman, and I were not around, I should be in love with Rick."

[Sublight]

Originally posted by JosephFinn
Originally posted by Sublight
Fists of Casablanca

Set in 1939 Beijing, with Japanese soldiers instead of Nazis.

Rick: Jackie Chan
Ilsa: Michelle Yeoh
Sam: Jet Li
Strasser: Sho Kosugi

For all I know, this may very well have already been done.


Strangley, not a bad description of "Fists of Legend," the classic Japanese occupation film starring Yeun-Fat Chow.

Yep, that's why I chose the name, although IIRC, it starred Jet Li, not Yeun-Fat Chow.

--sublight.