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RedSwinglineOne
02-02-2007, 01:25 PM
I was talking to a friend and happened to mention a Simpson's episode where:Its a wedding, someone points a video camera at Krusty and says, "hey Krusty, be funny!" So he says "Ok, a guy walks into a bar with a 1ft tall man and a tiny piano, - oh wait, cant tell that one in front of the kids!"
I found this funny because I know the joke, and because it made me realize some punch lines are funny without the joke. Two examples I can think of are
- "do you think I would have wished for a 12 inch pianist?"
- the guy with no arms and no legs says "how do you think I rang the doorbell?"

Do any others come to mind?

Enderw24
02-02-2007, 01:39 PM
So the doctor says "there's my thermometer! Now where the heck did my pen go?"

Zeldar
02-02-2007, 01:41 PM
"What you mean we, white man?"

MovingTarget
02-02-2007, 01:43 PM
"Now where's that ugly woman who needs her tonails clipped?"

Slithy Tove
02-02-2007, 01:44 PM
"and the husband says 'You're embarassed? I'm the one sitting here with three dinner rolls shoved up his ass!'"

Zeldar
02-02-2007, 01:50 PM
"No, Silver! Posse!"

RedSwinglineOne
02-02-2007, 01:53 PM
Thought of one more..
"OK, but when you pull that thing out, it better have numbers on it!"

Sapo
02-02-2007, 02:02 PM
"Hey, wait a minute. That's not a duck"

Misnomer
02-02-2007, 02:04 PM
"The Aristocrats!"

MissMossie
02-02-2007, 02:07 PM
Penis van Lesbian!


It's so much funnier without the setup...

sciguy
02-02-2007, 02:07 PM
"Wrecked 'em? Darn near killed 'em!"

Oakminster
02-02-2007, 02:12 PM
"$10, same as downtown."

Annie-Xmas
02-02-2007, 02:12 PM
Because goose doesn't rhyme

silenus
02-02-2007, 02:35 PM
Dem Fokkers was Messerschmidts!

MovingTarget
02-02-2007, 02:40 PM
Ok, some of these punchlines I've never heard before. Some people are going to have to put the jokes in spoiler boxes for those of use who are not familiar. I REALLY want to hear some of these jokes.... if they even ARE jokes.

carnivorousplant
02-02-2007, 02:45 PM
Everybody.




$2,500.05 for selling your body? Who gave you the nickel?

Ethilrist
02-02-2007, 02:48 PM
Kinda vague in the OP--are you looking for the punchlines to jokes you know which are funny because you know the joke, or are funny even if you don't know the joke?

'cause I can come up with punchlines to commonly-known jokes all day long, and if somebody hasn't heard them, they're not going to be too funny.

"Nah, we need the eggs."
"We haven't heard that one before."
"What? and leave show business?"
"Okay, but I'm only going to take out enough to win."

:rolleyes:

The true challenge lies in coming up with a punchline that's funny all by itself, and not because it's a one-line joke, like "Why do they serve French Bread in Italian restaurants?"

Least Original User Name Ever
02-02-2007, 02:52 PM
Wrecked 'em? Damn near killed 'im!

Sternvogel
02-02-2007, 03:35 PM
Penis van Lesbian!


It's so much funnier without the setup...

For those who are dying to know anyway:

This was the name of an aspiring actor. When the man was told it sounded too formal, he changed it to the breezier Dick Van Dyke.

Annie-Xmas
02-02-2007, 03:38 PM
Wrecked 'em? Damn near killed 'im!

That was even funnier seven posts ago :D

RedSwinglineOne
02-02-2007, 03:39 PM
Kinda vague in the OP--are you looking for the punchlines to jokes you know which are funny because you know the joke, or are funny even if you don't know the joke?
I was looking for punchlines for real jokes that are funny on their own, mainly because you can figure out the basic idea. You don't need to know the joke to figure out what a guy with a 12 inch pianist really wanted.

Earl Snake-Hips Tucker
02-02-2007, 03:40 PM
I don't have to outrun the bear.

Scarlett67
02-02-2007, 04:07 PM
You don't eat a pig like that all at once!

Ethilrist
02-02-2007, 04:08 PM
"Oh, I gave up on that idea. Pigs are quieter."

MovieMogul
02-02-2007, 04:10 PM
So the one legged jockey says, "Dont worry about me baby, I ride sidesaddle!"

Oakminster
02-02-2007, 04:13 PM
"That dog would bite you"

TV time
02-02-2007, 04:46 PM
"Bennet? Hell I broke it!"

First dirty joke punchline I ever heard.

Waverly
02-02-2007, 04:50 PM
"You're the one who brought her, you liquor"

I'm not sure there even IS a setup.

KlondikeGeoff
02-02-2007, 06:18 PM
"Bennet? Hell I broke it!"

First dirty joke punchline I ever heard.

First one I heard was,

"How far's the Old Log Inn?"

Billdo
02-02-2007, 06:35 PM
No soap, radio (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/No_soap%2C_radio)

Scarlett67
02-02-2007, 07:09 PM
"You're the one who brought her, you liquor"
"Liquor in Phoenix, poker in Vegas"

Martini Enfield
02-02-2007, 07:15 PM
"No, I just had some icecream"

and

"Then the Bartender says, Hey, that's not a spoon!"

Thank you, I'm here all week. Hey, I laughed when you guys came in here wearing the funny clothes. ;) :D

Lumpy
02-02-2007, 07:40 PM
A wealthy tourist on vacation in Spain is dining in an expensive restaurant. He notices some sort of celebration going on; a man is seated at the table of honor, the owner of the restaurant is personally waiting on him, and the head chef brings out the man's meal: an extravagent dish featuring two large round balls of meat. Intrigued, the tourist asks his waiter what it's all about. The waiter replies that every year, after the grand bullfight, the person who bid the highest gets to dine on the bull's cajones. So the wealthy tourist decides to put in his bid for next year. The following year, he returns to Spain and is notified that his is the highest bid and is invited back to the restaurant. Now it's his turn to sit at the table of honor, being waited on by the owner, and have the head chef bring out his meal. But when the platter is put in front of him, instead of two large round bull testicles, there are only two tiny balls of meat about the size of grapes. Outraged, the tourist demands to know the meaning of this. The restaurant owner bows his head apologetically and replies "Sometimes senior, the bull wins".

Waverly
02-02-2007, 08:10 PM
"Liquor in Phoenix, poker in Vegas"I've always heard it: Liquor in the front, poker in the rear.

Larry Borgia
02-02-2007, 11:43 PM
Blowjob?! You'll get a blowjob when that Armstrong kid walks on the moon!

Captain_C
02-03-2007, 12:31 AM
No soap, radio (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/No_soap%2C_radio)

I used this as a psych experiment once in college. Works amazingly well. About 80% of people laughed, 20% looked puzzled.

BrassyPhrase
02-03-2007, 12:36 AM
"and the bear says, 'you aren't really here for the hunting are you?' "

And my all time favorite joke ever..that my MOTHER told me... the punchline is....

"..but the chicken was MY idea!"

:)

Sternvogel
02-03-2007, 01:16 PM
Blowjob?! You'll get a blowjob when that Armstrong kid walks on the moon!

As the story is usually told, the punchline is "Good luck, Mr. Gorski!" (http://www.aero-news.net/SpecialContent.cfm?ContentBlockID=ee98c115-c596-4ccf-a4f5-6ad20d6252c3&cat=6)

Zebra
02-03-2007, 03:58 PM
"and thats when they made me their chief."

Least Original User Name Ever
02-03-2007, 04:00 PM
That was even funnier seven posts ago :D


*Slowly slinking off in shame, hanging head the entire way*

divemaster
02-03-2007, 06:33 PM
No, no, Nurse Smith! I told you to prick his boil!

Horatio Hellpop
02-03-2007, 07:13 PM
So they don't whistle on the way down!



Kevin Federline, in the drawing room, with a candlestick.



And Jeeves, if I ever catch you wearing my clothes again...



Not with my cat, you won't!

mamboman
02-03-2007, 07:19 PM
[QUOTE=Lumpy"Sometimes senior, the bull wins".[/QUOTE]

I came to mention this one. Greatest joke evah!

Spoke
02-03-2007, 07:28 PM
If I could walk that way, I wouldn't need the talcum powder!



You're Thor? I can hardly thit down!

SSG Schwartz
02-03-2007, 07:36 PM
Ok, I've waited over 24 hours for someone else to post this, but here goes:

That's a big word for an eight year old.

Ah, what the hell, I'll do two more:

Because there's 20 of them.

and:

I can see my house from here.

Sgt Schwartz

Yookeroo
02-03-2007, 07:38 PM
I was looking for punchlines for real jokes that are funny on their own, mainly because you can figure out the basic idea. You don't need to know the joke to figure out what a guy with a 12 inch pianist really wanted.

So much for that idea. Almost no one seems to be following this.

tomndebb
02-03-2007, 08:43 PM
"Sheep lies!"

JustAnotherGeek
02-03-2007, 08:52 PM
Tag! You're it!


Look both ways before you cross the street.

kunilou
02-03-2007, 09:35 PM
Why do you ask, Two Dogs Humping?

buns3000
02-03-2007, 09:43 PM
Frank Drebin in Naked Gun 2 1/2 - "Lady, I don't think I could take sixty-seven more of those!"

Rhythmdvl
02-03-2007, 11:49 PM
Some great (old) jokes in this thread -- good idea! Two of my favs...


You don't understand... Chunks is my dog! :eek:


and


But your honor--I didn't say she was acting silly, I said she was fucking Goofy!

Zeldar
02-04-2007, 07:37 AM
Would punchlines to puns (shaggy dog stories) count?

Oppornockity tunes but once

The Bee-wares of the Isdom Arch siezer

People who live in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones

Silly rabbi, Kix are for Tryds

Yeast is yeast and jest is jest but never the Maine shall tweet

...and a few billion others

Martini Enfield
02-04-2007, 07:45 AM
My favourite Shaggy Dog Story Punchline:

"I can't tell you, you're not a Monk!"

I'd be very surprised if anyone's familiar with the associated SDS, though...

matt_mcl
02-04-2007, 11:00 AM
I'd be very surprised if anyone's familiar with the associated SDS, though...

*raises hand*

Zeldar
02-04-2007, 11:13 AM
*raises hand*

Here's another.

BubbaDog
02-04-2007, 09:51 PM
Nice trade, Mr. President

Maybe if you pet him, he'll let you.

One is a cunning array of stunts.

I just wish it was dark

rackensack
02-05-2007, 09:50 PM
And the cabbie says, "Buddy, I been asked that question about a thousand times, but never before in the pluperfect subjunctive".

Spavined Gelding
02-05-2007, 10:37 PM
There is no way Iím going to vote for a dumb SOB who canít tell the difference between a steamboat and a bull with a bugle up its ass.

Itís OK, I turned the hose around.

No, Ole, those nails are for the other side of the roof.

...and the Lutheran minister came out with the coffee pot.

My wife is from Minnesota.

That Superman is one mean drunk.

Evil Joe
02-05-2007, 11:20 PM
No seriously thats just ice cream on my face!

Evil Joe
02-05-2007, 11:22 PM
Finally the Farmer said "JEEEEZUS ROVER! Now get out from underneath there before that man SHITS on you!"

pulykamell
02-06-2007, 12:07 AM
Fuck you, clown!

Malacandra
02-06-2007, 08:47 AM
Watson, you idiot. Some thieving bastard has pinched our tent!

Roonwit
02-06-2007, 09:37 AM
A Scottish farmer walks into the neighborhood pub, and orders a whiskey.

"Ye see that fence over there?" he says to the bartender. "Ah built it with me own two hands! Dug up the holes with me shovel, chopped doon the trees for the posts by me ownself, laid every last rail! But do they call me 'McGregor the Fence-Builder?' No..."

He gulps down the whiskey and orders another. "Ye see that pier on the loch?" He continues, "Ah built it me ownself, too. Swam oot into the loch to lay the foondations, laid doon every single board! But do they call me 'McGregor the Pier-Builder?' No."

"But ye fuck ONE sheep..."

Ludovic
02-06-2007, 09:39 AM
$20, same as in town.

Ronald C. Semone
02-06-2007, 10:00 AM
This is, perhaps, the exact opposite of what the OP had in mind, but I just had to get it in. One of my favorite jokes consists of three lines: Two flies are sitting on a pile of dog shit. One of them farts. The other one says "Exscuse me, I'm eating." I am amazed at how many times I've told that joke to people who start laughting after the second line and when I'm finished say that the premise of the joke,a fly farting, is funnier than the punchline.

wolf in second hand clothing
02-06-2007, 04:16 PM
"No, but you'd be surprised how strong you get when you bite your own testicles."

AskNott
02-06-2007, 05:44 PM
He starts the chainsaw, and the guy says, "What's that noise?"

And the women walks 50 yards, and crosses the bridge.

"Wow, Holy Father, that guy must have seen you coming!"

"E-I-E-I-O."

That's what makes him so mean!

Sunrazor
02-07-2007, 12:01 PM
So much for that idea. Almost no one seems to be following this.
Are you kidding? I'm laughing myself silly here! Let me refresh your memory from some previous posts:
So they don't whistle on the way down!
Kevin Federline, in the drawing room, with a candlestick.
And Jeeves, if I ever catch you wearing my clothes again...
Not with my cat, you won't!

I have no idea what any of those punchlines are about, but come on! Kevin Federline, in the drawing room with a candlestick -- that's just funny!

So they don't whistle on the way down ... I don't even wanna' know the rest of the joke, the punchline is enough!

Keep 'em coming!

SpectBrain
02-07-2007, 12:23 PM
We use the camel to ride to the oasis.



No lady, I won't untie the string from around his balls. That's my passing gear.

SpectBrain
02-07-2007, 12:24 PM
You'd be amazed at the burst of adrenline that you get when you bite yourself on the balls!

Marley23
02-07-2007, 12:28 PM
Penis van Lesbian!
It's gotta be "car," not van.

From joke about the pirate with the steering wheel in his pants - "Arrr, it's drivin' me nuts!"

I had a friend who was partial to George Carlin's line "SO I'M GETTING MY TESTICLES LAMINATED ON THURSDAY" (which is actually a misquote) out of context - but that works, because it's a joke about how sometimes everybody in a room gets quiet at once and you find yourself saying something embarrassing that everyone can hear.

tdn
02-07-2007, 12:37 PM
Djibouti? I hardly even know her!

So I bit him.

Don't you think you ought to pet him first?

Close the door, I'm mayonaise!

Pass the ketchup, my back itches.

tdn
02-07-2007, 12:39 PM
But ya fuck one goat...

We use the camel to ride to the oasis.
It's your turn in the barrel.

Peter Morris
02-07-2007, 05:10 PM
And on Friday it's your turn in the barrel.