Should I buy this girl this dress or not?

[Autolycus]

What's up my homies,


Let me explain. No no, there is no time for that. Let me sum up. (hi-five to anyone who gets the reference.)

I speak fluent Japanese, and lately I've been hitting the international penpal/dating/social scene very hard. I'm chatting up a lot of girls with various results.

This one girl in particular though, we have a fantastic connection. We talk everyday on the webcam for maybe two hours on average. We talk about anything and we smile and laugh all the time. We have not done anything naughty, but we do often flirt. She has seen me shirtless often, and I have seen her in her pajamas. She has seen me drunk and she claims not to mind one bit. She says I'm a very fun person. It's a very tense-in-a-good-way type of relationship. She has offered to let me live in her house this summer in her spare bedroom, and I am seriously considering it. "As friends," of course. There's that 'tension' again.

So, her birthday is coming up in a month. I want to give her a great present. Something that represents how I want to make her feel like a princess. It's not love yet, but I always like to treat my current romance target well. We are not online dating yet either, because we think it's too fast, but the desire is definitely there.

In any case, I found this dress. It's 300 bucks, which is a lot for a dress, however this sun-dress is amazing. It's brown, pure silk, with white flower embroiderie all over. I took a pic on my cellphone so I can upload it later if people want to see. Anyway, it's not see-through but it's not perfectly opaque. It's sexy in a very very classy way. The breast part even has a strap where you can adjust how much cleavage you want to show. I'm not big on style, but this is one awesome sun-dress.

I want to buy it for her, but I'm afraid of what her reaction will be. Maybe it will seem too serious and frighten her? We have done and talked about a lot of things, so I think she will love it; however, I'm scared never-the-less of what she will think.

If you were a woman in a similar situation, what would you think? How would you react? Would you be turned off? Help me out :(


Your homeboy,
John

[elfkin477]

IMHO that's too expensive a gift for a girl you're not yet dating. Now, if you were to begin dating her within the next month... :)

Seriously, though, if you buy it and you're not dating her, there are two plausible not so good outcomes: A. she finds out how much it costs and becomes suspicious of your motives for buying such an expensive gift. B. she doesn't find out because you never tell her and she either doesn't appreciate it much or doesn't end up being someone you date, either of which would lead to resentment that you blew $300 on a dress. It could work out well, but it might not.

[Mesquite-oh]

In any case, I found this dress. It's 300 bucks, which is a lot for a dress, however this sun-dress is amazing. <snippity snip> I'm not big on style, but this is one awesome sun-dress. I just want to know how you "find" dresses and what makes them "amazing" and "awesome" :p Wait, there is a point to my statement.

As a son, husband and father who has been on hundreds of incredibly painful dress hunts, it is very difficult for some women/girls to find a dress that they like, and they know their own taste better than anyone (not to mention that they are there with the dresses in front of them and that they get to try them on). Yeah, sure after being together for 11 years (wife) or helping create her (daughter), I can kinda sort of pick out of an array something that they may be interested in wearing. However, it would be a major miracle for me to try to find something that they like (as a suprise with no input from them) that looks good to them when they actually put it on.

A dress is a tough thing to buy for any woman without their direct input, much less a girl you don't know that well. I say pick some other gift other than clothes.

[ZipperJJ]

C. She finds herself a nice US sugardaddy in you, and a big hulking Japanese husband at home.

[Ruby]

Good Gawd No!

I don't know the man who is brave enough to buy clothes for a woman that he barely knows. While I'm sure it's beautiful and would look fantastic on her, I would run, not walk, away from a $300 dress purchase. (1) It's too much to spend, and (2) clothing is far to personal to assume you could purchase a tee shirt that she'd like let alone a $300 garment.

[brewha]

Nothing to add to help you predictament, I just wanted to say that there is a doper by the name of Inigo Montoya (http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/member.php?userid=45095)that should get a hi five.

[JoeSki]

If you really think you two are hitting it off and are going to become a couple sometime soon, and you can afford to buy the dress comfortably, buy it....

Just don't give it to her for at least a couple of months after you're an item.

If you buy it, and nothing becomes of you two, you can either:
A) Return the dress
or
b) Learn a very valuable lesson.

Your call.

[Lynn Bodoni]

Good Gawd No!

I don't know the man who is brave enough to buy clothes for a woman that he barely knows. While I'm sure it's beautiful and would look fantastic on her, I would run, not walk, away from a $300 dress purchase. (1) It's too much to spend, and (2) clothing is far to personal to assume you could purchase a tee shirt that she'd like let alone a $300 garment. What she said. An article of clothing is much, much too personal a gift unless you are engaged or all but engaged. Maybe, MAYBE you can buy her a tshirt if you know she likes and wears tshirts, if it's something that she wouldn't be able to get locally. A sexy expensive article of clothing says "I expect you to hop in the sack with me immediately".

[Montgomery0]

As you might already know, since you are fluent in Japanese. The Japanese LOVE to give gifts. It's a natural, everyday, often ritualized behavior. If you want a gift you need to be sure to give a gift. That said, $300 is a buttload of money to be spending on your first gift. If, as you say, you are both approaching the relationship slowly, you just might scare her away.

I would suggest you get something smaller, something American and by all means get something "cute." The reasoning 1) small is less intimidating, she won't think you're expecting anything from her and when she gets you a present in return, she won't have to go overboard, 2) the Japanese worship everything American (exaggeration, generalization obviously,) 3) I've never known of a Japanese girl who didn't love anything cute. That will set the proper tone for the beginning of your relationship. Light, affectionate and thoughtful.

If you eventually travel to Japan, make sure you bring gifts for everybody.

[XJETGIRLX]

Wait, is this like those dating sim games? Aren't you supposed to start with things like the cd's and teddy bears before you move up to the clothes shopping?

[SnakesCatLady]

If - and I repeat if - you have the money to waste, go ahead and buy the dress. But do not under any circumstances give it to her now.

After you have been married one year, you may give her the dress.

[Kayeby]

Hell no.

1. I remember you mentioning in your pit thread that you don't have enough money to move out of home. If you can't afford to move out of a situation you hate you can't afford to buy expensive gifts for girls you aren't dating.

2. Clothing is a very personal thing and some people are very picky about what they wear. If you buy a dress that she doesn't really like she'll feel guilty for not liking it and you'll be upset that she doesn't wear it.

3. Some clothes look gorgeous on the rack but not so great on. Most of the time when I've seen something great, I've been disappointed with how it looked on me.

[sugar and spice]

Anyway, it's not see-through but it's not perfectly opaque. It's sexy in a very very classy way. The breast part even has a strap where you can adjust how much cleavage you want to show. I'm not big on style, but this is one awesome sun-dress. Em, it sounds like you're looking for a classy way to buy her lingerie for her to model for you on the webcam. Sorry, but if any guy brought me a present and said, wide eyed, "Look, you can adjust the clevage!" I'd have to wonder who the present was for.

I just call it like I see it.

[A.R. Cane]

!. Apparel, of any kind, is an inappropriate gift for a woman your just getting to know.
2. You cannot buy affection.
3. Do not live beyond your means, meet your financial responsibilities before you consider spending money on luxuries.
4. Relationships are built on personal interaction, not on materialistic indulgences.

[kimera]

As Montgomery0 pointed out, the Japanese have different expectations when it comes to gift giving. Don't buy it.

[Autolycus]

Wow, not a single reply in the affirmative. For better or for worse, I trust Dopers more than myself when it comes to The Ladies, so I am calling this case closed.

I guess I should be thankful that you all collectively saved me 300$ plus tax! So, thanks! Oh, and not ruining the budding relationship and what-not too, of course.

[Shakes]

I know it's none of my business but I just got to ask:


What the heck do you expect to get out of a relationship of a girl who lives half way across the word?


Also, whats wrong with the girls in your own neighborhood?

[Kalhoun]

What she said. An article of clothing is much, much too personal a gift unless you are engaged or all but engaged. Maybe, MAYBE you can buy her a tshirt if you know she likes and wears tshirts, if it's something that she wouldn't be able to get locally. A sexy expensive article of clothing says "I expect you to hop in the sack with me immediately".
Ditto. It couldn't be more inappropriate. Pour gasoline on this idea and strike a match.

[sturmhauke]

Besides the problems with not knowing her taste in clothing, there's also the issue of fit. Womens' bodies are more variable in shape than mens', and womens' clothing sizes are less standardized. This adds up to a pain in the ass even when she's picking out her own stuff in person. The only reason I know this is because of occasional service as a pack mule at the mall. A dozen items on hangars can be something of a challenge to carry.

[JpnDude]

Save your money and go to Japan to experience the country. Of course, ask her to be your guide or travel companion. Bring her something unique from the Orlando (your location I assume) area. Maybe she likes Disney. Good luck!

[Quiddity Glomfuster]

It's good you've changed plans, but let me add that clothing is just about the worst gift you can give to someone unless you know here extremely well (meaning know her whole wardrobe, her tastes, and have even shopped with her). Not only don't buy this dress, but don't buy any other piece of clothing that might strike your fancy.

If you two marry, then one day you can consider it. Maybe. My own mom had awful taste and couldn't buy things I like.

And I remember your post about being broke, too. If she knows you're hard up for money, I doubt she'd think well of you for blowing a lot of money on a gift for her.

[Napier]

As a male, I sense all kinds of warning flags going up if you want to drop $300 on a dress for someone you call "this girl". It's out of kilter, off balance. Buy something less committed but still thoughtful to mark her birthday and continue to cultivate what sounds like a nice relationship, and maybe next year it will be all kinds of natural to wrap such a gift around her shoulders.

[Mirror Image egamI rorriM]

Doesn't anyone else want to see what this dress actually looks like? I know I do.

Anyway, maybe you should get her a cute necklace or some earrings. If they're fairly inexpensive, there aren't as many "issues" tied up with it, and you don't have to worry about fit.

[Freudian Push Up Bra]

What's up my homies,


Let me explain. No no, there is no time for that. Let me sum up. (hi-five to anyone who gets the reference.)



Hi-five (saw it last weekend).

Don't do it for these reasons: It may be gorgeous to you but she may think it's eight types of wrong or just not her. $300 is far too much to spend on someone you aren't in a serious relationship with.

If you're stuck for ideas for her birthday; just ask her if she has a wishlist and pick something that's fairly neutral. As a female, if an internet friend, however close, gave me a $300 dress, I'd send it back. It's too damn weird really.

[threnodyangelfire]

Auto - that's a hellava lot of money to spend on someone you're not dating. The nicest thing online someone ever did for me was to make an animated gif of their hand signing "You rock so fucking much". It was cute and quirky and personal.

[garygnu]

Don't buy it (for reasons already eloquently stated above) but I'd like my high-five, though.

[Full Metal Lotus]

NO! NO! NO! not the dress!
Send her something from your life, a fave baseball cap, or a nerdy.nifty key chain.
I am not being "cheep" here. I am being realistic. She wants two things, 1) to get to know you, and 2) to see that you are enjoying getting to know her.

Something personal, even "used' says "this is a part of me... I hope you like it." A nice, but expensive dress is a crap shoot at best, and carries many unspoken ideas ... go with something "me to you"

just my thoughts...
Regards
FML

[Kalhoun]

Auto - that's a hellava lot of money to spend on someone you're not dating. The nicest thing online someone ever did for me was to make an animated gif of their hand signing "You rock so fucking much". It was cute and quirky and personal.
Word. Make a donation to her favorite charity or something.

[shamrock227]

You are in Orlando, right? You have easy access to the best gift ever. Get her one of those Mickey Mouse Club hats with her name embroidered on it (you know, the beanie with the ears). Anyone who would send me one of those would be tops in my book. It's personal, it's fun, it's silly, not too expensive, and it's something you can't get just anywhere. (Of course, I am a 38 year old woman who wore a headband with cat ears on it to the Josie and the Pussycats movie - your maturity level may vary).

Even if you don't like that idea, for all the reasons already stated, do not buy that dress.

(and send me one of those hats, will ya? I lost mine somewhere :( )

[Dangerosa]

I've been married to Brainiac4 for eleven years. He's seen me a hell of a lot more up close and personal than a webcam.

There is no way he could by me a sundress off the rack and have it fit. There is no way I can buy a sundress without trying it on and have it fit. Sundresses are horrible because they are built pretty much for a specific bust - don't have it and the dress looks like crap.

[Montgomery0]

Get her one of those Mickey Mouse Club hats with her name embroidered on it (you know, the beanie with the ears)....it's something you can't get just anywhere.

You know, my first reaction to this was, "genius!" But then I remembered there is actually a Tokyo Disneyland. Apparently it's quite popular.

[Autolycus]

Well, I officially did not buy the dress. Let me tell you what I did buy instead.

1 bar of rose soap
1 card with 9 little flowers embroidered on the front in a 3x3 grid, blank on inside and back.
1 wooden toy doll alligator
1 small vial of cherry-scented body perfume
1 red silk sack to put everything in

and probably 1 picture of myself. What do y'all think?

Oh, and I'll upload pics of the dress-that-wasn't once I figure out how to get them off this blasted phone.

Oh, and some more info on our budding relationship. I think the writing is on the wall (in magic marker) that we like each other. We were flirting the other day and I ended up giving her a verbal massage (because it's a webcam), the other day and she was all smiles. We got to talking about sex somehow, and she said that she always uses a condom. I replied first that girls technically dont 'use' the condom, which cracked her up, and then that I hate using condoms. She said that if we have sex then I must use one. I said that, as a compromise, I will wear it but she has to put it on me. She then burst into this huge grin and laughed for about a minute straight. We then resumed talking about more normal things until I got sleepy.

Crossing my fingers that everything keeps on going well!

[Cyn]

I saw a news story about Sponge Bob being marketed as the next Big Thing for young women in Japan, how 20-somethings were flocking to buy anything Square Pants.

[monstro]

Those sound like nice presents.

[Hello Again]

er..., you're too broke to move out of your parents house (http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=410740) but you seriously considered dropping $300 on an internet flirt?

Dude, I know you're trying to be sweet but you need to rethink your priorities.

[Contrapuntal]

We are not online dating yet either, because we think it's too fast, but the desire is definitely there.Help out an old fogy homie who is way out of the loop. How is what you are doing different from online dating? What is online dating?

[Uncommon Sense]

Help out an old fogy homie who is way out of the loop. How is what you are doing different from online dating? What is online dating?I think they've moved on to the 'dating' part.
At first they were just talking, friends.
Now they're discussing intimate issues, dating.

[Nava]

If a man buys me clothes, it means he wants to take me out of them.

And if a man buys me clothes and they're the right size, he better be my husband. Heck, if he's not my husband, he'll be it so fast he won't know what happened. And I'm not even particularly interested in marriage but hot damn, that would be an amazing find!

[Queuing]

Count me as curious to see the dress, any luck getting it off your cell phone yet?

[Contrapuntal]

I think they've moved on to the 'dating' part.
At first they were just talking, friends.
Now they're discussing intimate issues, dating.If I am dating someone on the Internet, can I date someone else? Can I have a real GF and date someone on the Internet? Is it implied that Internet dating leads to real life dating?

[Autolycus]

If I am dating someone on the Internet, can I date someone else? Can I have a real GF and date someone on the Internet? Is it implied that Internet dating leads to real life dating?

Really depends on the situation and the people.

For me, I met my last GF on the internet too so I guess this makes me an expert, and we definitely had a "this will lead to 'real life.' no 'real dating' allowed until then." We had a real love/infatuation thing going on and ended up doing everything sexually possible on a webcam.

As for my current circumstance, we are definitely more than friends now, but I dont know if we're dating. I mean.. we kiss dolls (plushies) and joke around that we're kissing each other, and things like that, so we definitely would be dating if we were in person. We're in a very awkward, very shy, but very fun phase.

The best way I can put it is that internet dating is very awkward, and not for the faint of heart. The only thing keeping me going is that we're planning a visit or maybe an extended stay soon.

Oh, and as for those following my life story (seems to be a few), my current 'life plan' is to save up my money here in Florida, then spend my summer in Japan (with this girl if it works out), and then return and finish my schooling at Boston College. After that we'll see.

Per the dress photo, I have been lazy and also forgot people wanted to see it. You have my word that I will get it off the phone today or tomorrow.

[Autolycus]

Update!

Here are the pictures I have promised:

1) The Dress (http://i117.photobucket.com/albums/o57/BC_Autolycus/Dress1.jpg)

2) Dress closeup (http://i117.photobucket.com/albums/o57/BC_Autolycus/Dress2.jpg)

I was going to post a pic of the girl too, but then I realized how oogy I would feel if somebody posted my pic publically without my consent.

Sooooo... beautiful dress eh? If it wasn't so expensive I would have purchased it just for the hell of it.

[Gus Gusterson]

I met a girl on the internet about 13 years ago. We emailed each other all the time and talked on the phone often. I assumed that it would turn into more and that the only thing keeping us apart was the fact that she lived 3000 miles away. I bought her a rare vinyl record. It was very hard to find and cost $200. I sent it to her. Radio silence. After a week she called and told me that she couldn't keep the record because she had a girlfriend. I told her to keep it anyway.

I met my next girlfriend on the internet too. She also turned out to not be exactly who she seemed to be. I have come to the conclusion that you can't really know anybody until you have spent a lot of time with them in person.

My father, a nearly 70-year-old man, told me a few days ago that he pretends to be someone else on the internet. If my father, a man who never used a computer until he was 66, has made up an alternate identity can you really trust anyone?

My point, if I have one, is: don't buy the dress. You don't know this girl yet.

[Cyn]

I'm glad you didn't buy that dress. When you said it was a sundress, I was thinking something a lot more 'summer'---bare arms/shoulders. This is the dificulty of buying clothes for some one else---you find it a beautiful dress but I do not and your online friend might find it a beautiful dress or she may not.

[Arabella Flynn]

Good grief, no. You are smart to listen to the people who said not to buy the dress. It's a nice garment, but the only time you should be buying clothing for the girl in your life without her being physically present is if you are engaged/married/shacked up together, and you have personally seen her try it on and decide that it fits. Then and only then, if you were clever enough to note the exact size and color, you can go back to get one and surprise her with something she wanted but decided she didn't have the funds for. Otherwise the odds that it will turn out well are about a bajillion to one. Keep the receipt anyway, just in case.

Since you seem sure that you're really internet-dating and not just internet-flirting, the bag of goodies you got her sounds excellent. It's cute and maybe a little bit naughty, and hopefully she'll think of you every time she's standing in the shower using your birthday soap. ;) Good luck!

[wolf in second hand clothing]

Nope.

If you like the dress that much, you can always just buy it and squirrel it away for later. Though that may potentially result in an awkward situation if it were ever discovered in your possession.

[hr_realist]

I note the OP has already said that he's not buying the dress, but one more vote for no - not for the expense or the risk of having it not fit. Rather because I get a slightly creepy "controlling" vibe about buying a dress for girl you have never met in person - as in telling her what you expect to wear. (shopping togother is a different story)

[TastesLikeBurning]

Note: this is TastesLikeBurning's partner (not TLB).

Just had to chime in to say that like others I agree that it is a good move to not actually purchase the dress at this very early point in your relationship. However as a frequent dress wearer I think it's a cute dress and is actually a style that could look good on a variety of body types so nice spotting anyway. I think it's sweet that it caught your eye and that you even thought of buying it. Maybe later on down the track...

[gonzomax]

I have been married for 25 years. nearly everything I bought my wife has been taken back and exchanged. And then almost all of them went back for exchange again . Don't do it.

[Kalhoun]

I note the OP has already said that he's not buying the dress, but one more vote for no - not for the expense or the risk of having it not fit. Rather because I get a slightly creepy "controlling" vibe about buying a dress for girl you have never met in person - as in telling her what you expect to wear. (shopping togother is a different story)
This is so true. Also, you're really going to put her on the spot if she hates the dress. You don't want to embarrass her.

[sugar and spice]

okay, its not nearly as sexy as i thought, I retract what I said about wanting to buy her lingerie. Its cute, but unless she's someone who really appreciates designer labels, its not worth $300. So add that to everyone else's reasons why this isn't the best idea.

[Anaamika]

I read the whole thread, and I wanted to reiterate one more thing people have said - I would run, not walk, from someone who bought me anything worth $300 that early on in a relationship.

Sounds so needy!

[Frank]

Note: this is TastesLikeBurning's partner (not TLB).

Hi, TastesLikeBurning's partner,

We appreciate your desire to contribute, however, if in the future you wish to continue doing so, please create your own account. We prohibit sharing of an account.