In which you tell your fellow Dopers five lies about yourself

[Elendil's Heir]

Me first:

1. I have eight wives, each more beautiful than the next.
2. The ghost of Babe Ruth haunts my laundry hamper.
3. Oregano makes my hands fall off.
4. I am the only person ever to serve two nonconsecutive terms as President of the United States.
5. I sometimes doubt Cecil's omniscient wisdom.

Your turn!

[What Exit?]

1. I have been in Cliff Claven's kitchen.
2. I have rode through the desert on a horse with no name. {It did feel good to be out of the rain}
3. I have never lied in my entire life.
4. I am 6'4" and used to be a 3 sport star in High School.
5. I know the third word that ends in -gry.

[Sunspace]

1. I speak fluent Albanian.
2. I have a loving wife and children.
3. I have been the star of a major art-gallery show.
4. The Queen's daughter is a distant cousin of mine.
5. Thanks to a bizarre misunderstanding, I am worshipped by an obscure Tibetan cult, most of whose members live in exile in Toronto.

[Winston Smith]

1. I have $32 million in savings.
2. I do not get annoyed with my two-year-old son when he drinks from the toilet
3. I love my job
4. I've got no problem with authority
5. I know CamMeacham will post next, because I have ESP.

[CalMeacham]

I have eight wives, each more beautiful than the next.


So you have them lined up with the ugliest one at the far end?

[LouisB]

1. I secretly like and admire French-Canadians.

2. I wish more French-Canadians would visit Florida and stay longer when they do.

3. I still love and respect my ex-wife.

4. I respect and admire George Bush and think he is an excellent President

5. I am young, handsome, and very, very wealthy.

[Dervorin]

1. On full moon nights, I dress up as Marie Antionette and walk the streets of London, distributing fresh pumpkin seeds to homeless hippos.
2. I've always wanted to drive a double-decker bus in the nude.
3. I am the reincarnation of King Tut's favourite pet cat.
4. My tongue is green.
5. I can do a seven-loop fourteen-twist rollerblade leap from the Eiffel Tower to the Statue of Liberty.
6. My reply has five answers in it.

[Dervorin]

So you have them lined up with the ugliest one at the far end?
Actually, no - if each and every one is more beautiful than the next, the only way you can arrange them is in a circle, and they must all be infinitely beautiful.

[What Exit?]

5. I know CamMeacham will post next, because I have ESP.
So close, so close, missed by this much.

[Martini Enfield]

1. You know that guy who dubbed all those 1970s Hong Kong Action Films? That was me.
2. There's an African country named after me.
3. My cologne is made from bits of real panther- so you know it's good.
4. I invented the Internet.
5. The statue of Ozymandias is now a fountain in my front yard.

[Sunrazor]

1. My wife is so in love with me she submits to my every whim and demand.
2. I have trained my dog to do most household chores.
3. My woodworking skills surpass those of most master craftsmen.
4. I have taken such good care of myself that, even though I'm in my 50s, college coeds still make passes at me.
5. Although I am paid more money than most CEOs, I actually do very little for it, and have loads of fun all day every day at work. (No, wait, that one's not a lie. Not completely, anyway.)

[Figaro]

1. I have only a single body hair, over 17 feet in length, which I wind in a spool under my clothing. If removed, it would cause me to speak as if I had inhaled helium.

2. My last name means "possessor of gargantuan penis" in Esperanto.

3. I guest-starred as a herione addict on the experimental, never aired, and now long forgotten "gritty" episode of the Mary Tyler Moore Show.

4. I am smarter than a 5th grader.

5. I'm that guy. You know the one.

[VunderBob]

1. I abuse small animals
2. I invented Al Gore
3. I live in a large urban area, in a bunker deep underground
4. I won the Mega Millions Lottery last week
5. I've perfected perpetual motion technology

[CalMeacham]

Actually, no - if each and every one is more beautiful than the next, the only way you can arrange them is in a circle, and they must all be infinitely beautiful.


Not true. It implies that they decrease in "beautifulness" as you progress down the line, with the least beautiful at the end.

Usually people say "each more beautiful than the last", which implies that the get more beautiful as you go down the line.



"But only if you line them up that way", as Johnny Hart had someone say in The Wizard of Id.



Besides, you can't have infinite beauty. Eventually yo have to reach a stauration point.


/end hijack

[Nancarrow]

1. This smiley - :p - is based upon a self-portrait.
2. Mona Lisa's smile? She'd been with me the previous night.
3. The Scream? Yeah, him too.
4. I am your father!
5. Join me, and together we can rule the galaxy!

[rhythmonly]

1) I have a computer at home.
2) I also have a rotary dial phone at home, but do not use it.
3) I have nothing but the utmost love and respect for some of my co-workers.
4) I drive a 42 year old truck because I think I look really good in it, not because I cannot afford anything else.
5) I have not been a Warriors fan since 1974, nor have I been a Cheap Trick fan since 1979.

[August West]

1) I have my left big toe implanted on my right hand to replace the thumb I lost in a bizarre accident involving water-skiing and an ocelot.
2) I am physically addicted to Pixie Stix.
3) My business card includes the job title "Polka King"
4) I have never travelled more than 3.8 miles from the house in which I was born.
5) I successfully lobbied to have the word "storm sewer" removed from the dictionary.

[Mangetout]

1. Both of my children were taller than me by the time they reached their seventh birthdays
2. I can start fires by staring at the object I wish to burn.
3. I am currently halfway through building a scale model of the Statue of Liberty, out of licorice
4. You've heard the expression 'two left feet'? Well, in my case, it's literally true - I have to buy two identical pairs of shoes and throw the right ones away.
5. I never noticed the moon until I read an SDMB thread about tides.

[TroubleAgain]

1. I won the lottery this weekend.
2. I am the most beautiful woman alive.
3. I can sing in harmony with myself.
4. I passed up a full scholarship to Harvard.
5. I love my job so much I do it for free.

[Dragwyr]

1. 2006 FISM Close-Up Grand Prix winner, Rick Merrill, was inspired by my magic act.
2. I am the only person Chuck Norris is afraid of.
3. Turnstyles are one of thousands of my inventions the general use on a daily basis.
4. I live "La Vida Loca".
5. My Bonnie really does lie over the ocean.

[Dr. Rieux]

1. I am a published historical novelist, under the name Alexandre Dumas.
2. My first wife was Olivia Newton-John; my second was Ann Coulter.
3. My metabolism turns fat into long, beautiful hair.
4. I ghost-wrote most of the Beatles' catalogue and played flute on several of their songs.
5. I have naked photos of Cecil

[Spoons]

1. I placed fourth in the 2001 Paris-Dakar Rally.
2. Both the Denver Broncos and the San Francisco 49ers expressed interest in me near the end of my college football days, but nothing came of it.
3. I wrote a well-known series of detective novels under a pseudonym.
4. I played drums on a couple of Mary Chapin Carpenter's albums. Remember "Down at the Twist and Shout"? That was me on drums.
5. I was a background high school student extra in many episodes of "Room 222."

[Mindfield]

1. There is a male gene in my family history which gives one the ability to exert individual muscle control over either of one's testicles. It is a very recessive gene, appearing only once every 20 generations, and I currently have it. The last of my ancestors to have it was Sir Blemish of Taunt in the early 17th century, who made a small fortune entertaining French theatergoers with his jocular acrobatics. Appreciation for this fine art has, evidently, diminished significantly since that era.

2. Although Time Magazine named me "Person of the Year" in 2006, they had me confused with another "you."

3. I was one of the men in that historical Iwo Jima photograph. I was hard to spot because I was under the rubble.

4. I am personally responsible for Fran Drescher's acting career. I'm still drafting the apology letter.

5. I invented a fourth word that ends in "-gry" just to piss people off.

[WorkInProgress]

1. I made 11 hole-in-ones the first time I played golf.
2. I am the original "More Cowbell" guy.
3. I know the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow.
4. I know how to make 2+2=5.

[Elendil's Heir]

So you have them lined up with the ugliest one at the far end?

Ah, so you've seen them, too? Quite a bevy, eh? Eh?

[Elendil's Heir]

Deleted - duplicate post.

[Dervorin]

Not true. It implies that they decrease in "beautifulness" as you progress down the line, with the least beautiful at the end.

Usually people say "each more beautiful than the last", which implies that the get more beautiful as you go down the line.

"But only if you line them up that way", as Johnny Hart had someone say in The Wizard of Id.

Besides, you can't have infinite beauty. Eventually yo have to reach a stauration point.

/end hijack
So let's say you had eight wives, in decreasing order of beauty (8=Stunning; 1=plain):

8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1.

Now each is more beautiful than the next, except for 1, who is not more beautiful than anyone. Now according to Elendil's Heir, each is more beautiful than the next, so the only two solutions to the problem are:

a) an infinite number of wives, in ever-increasing beauty or
8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 0 -1 -2 -3 ...

b) wives arranged in a circle, with beauty going up at every step.
8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 -> loops back to 8, and is more beautiful than 8.

Both cases eventually lead to infinite beauty, since beauty must increase at each step. Case a) is ruled out by the explicit statement that he only has 8 wives, so the solution that remains is the second.

QED (And more than slightly tongue-in-cheek :D)

[matt_mcl]

1. Watch the Journal de Montréal next week for damaging photos of a certain Conservative MP. The leg in the upper left-hand corner is mine.

2. I once went on a Sex on the Beach tear and woke up clad only in a feather boa and clutching a blender.

3. I am banned from fine art libraries in three provinces for my excessively liberal interpretations of abstract expressionism.

4. I once had occasion to smuggle a small flock of live geese across the border. I draped them under some rugs in the back of the pickup truck and attributed the honking to a loose muffler.

5. I spend my days hashing out left-wing screeds for The Tyee and rabble.ca before retiring to my silk-draped boudoir to get my nightly goat's milk massage from my coterie of supple Maltese pleasure boys.



My last name means "possessor of gargantuan penis" in Esperanto.

Saluton, Sinjoro Penisegulo!

[CalMeacham]

Logically, then, they have an infinte number of legs as well*.

I don't see how that can be beautiful. So your proof fails.


QED






*Old logic/math joke. You can find it in a lot of places, like a Random Walk Through Science.

[Bobotheoptimist]

Spot the lies!

1) I have no formal training in my chosen profession

2) I am the only son of an only son of an only son

3) I wear pink often, which directly led to my habit of carrying a gun

4) I can write your name with a pencil clenched between the toes of my right foot, but not my own.

5) I've never lived in the same place for more than 2 years

6) Since 2000, I've not gone more than 2 years without leaving the country

7) I married my high school sweetheart

8) I once spent $700 on a knife

9) I've never voted for anyone that became president

10) Silly Sally won't sell me seashells anywhere but a seedy wharf after the seagull incident


1) true mostly, sent to some training after hire 2) true, but have two sons so the streak is broken 3) false, can't stand wearing pink except for a breast cancer awareness pin 4) false, I don't even know your name 5) false, current house for 10 years 6) true 7) false, didn't have a HS sweetheart (awww) 8) true, custom from meteorite 9) true 10) unable to comment on current litigation

[Pábitel]

1. I have the three best garden gnomes in existence (determined by the official judging body for the sport).
2. I have a genetic abnormality that causes me to have two foreheads.
3. I can tell the flavor of jello by touch.
4. I know the fate of Jimmy Hoffa, he is now a lovely table lamp in my den.
5. I buy all my underwear from a small stall in a market on the outskirts of Bangladesh.

[FairyChatMom]

1 - I gave up a career as a supermodel because of a makeup allergy.
2 - I rode the winning horse in the Kentucky Derby for 5 years in a row in the 60s.
3 - My left hand is strong enough to crush coconuts.
4 - George Clooney won't stop pestering me for a date.
5 - I have James K. Polk's toenail clippings in a jar on my nightstand.

[descamisado]

1. I was the guy that turned Isaiah Washington and Tim Hardaway down and made them so angry at gays.

2. The WMDs are in a shoebox in my linen closet.

3. Eating carrots makes my ears burp.

4. I saw Joe Hill last night.

5. I invented pinecones and missed beating god to the patent by that much.

[Figaro]

Saluton, Sinjoro Penisegulo! Saluton yourself! :D

[Autolycus]

1) My dick is prehensile
2) I have been raped by a giant tentacle monster
3) I enjoyed it
4) My shit does not stink
5) North Dakota does not exist.

[Antigen]

1. I type with my eyebrows.
2. I'm an Elvis impersonator impersonator in my spare time.
3. Sometimes I pee blue.
4. I am a professionally trained Ugandan pastry chef.
5. My tapeworm speaks Vulcan.

[Aioua]

1) My only friend is the blue canary in the outlet by the lightswitch.
2) At the '64 worlds fair, in the DuPont pavillion, I sat on a bench that was still warm. The warmth was from my one true love, who had been recently sitting there. That was the closest I will ever get to her, for she lives on the other side of the world.
3) I used to work at a burn-smell factory.
4) I'm very big, I'm a big important man.
5) I'm sick and won't die... just like Chucky.

[SurrenderDorothy]

I went for a ride on the carousel.
I was on a yellow horse, right behind the swan.
In the swan, a man and a woman they were doing it.
I didn't want to look. I wished I'd brought a book.
I looked down at the chip in my horse's red mane.
He had a high, soft, beautiful voice.
I got down and ran around, and then I asked him his name.
He said out loud, he said it was "First Choice".

Yes Mom, I'm still a virgin.
And you are Marilyn Monroe.
When I was a little girl, we grew wings and flew under the sea
To see my daddy, Mr. Edgar Allen Poe.

full lyrics (http://www.smartlyrics.com/Song431866-Rasputina-Our-Lies-lyrics.aspx)

[GorillaMan]

1 - I do yoga
2 - I hate rap music
3 - I obsessively sharpen pencil-sharpeners
4 - I leave a trail of slime behind me, like a snail
5 - I'm British

[Malacandra]

I am licenced to pilot airships in excess of 300' in length The unpublished manuscript of Beethoven's 10th Symphony is our family's most prized heirloom. (We're waiting for the price to go up a little higher.) President Mugabe of Zimbabwe once told me a really good knock-knock joke I have dug a tunnel from my back garden to China I play chess by email with Robert J Fischer, and am presently six games ahead in a very long-running series. Under the circumstances, he's being all right about it

[si_blakely]

1 - I showed Leo Fender how to make an electric guitar
2 - I taught Chuck Berry how to duckwalk
3 - I showed Jimi Hendrix a thing or two, too
4 - I played Jimmy Page's solos from backstage
5 - I AM Dave Gilmore

Si

[BrainGlutton]

1. I am the rightful emperor of China. (My reign-name is Dong Hang Lo. Of the Wang Dynasty.)

2. I dumped Kirsten Dunst when she got too clingy.

3. You know those "Will Work for Food" guys? I always take them home and sacrifice them to Cthulhu.

4. The collapse of the dot-com bubble was my fault. I was the one responsible for figuring out Step 2 (the one before "Profit!").

5. I have a pet thylacine and I can't even remember where I got him.

[Barrington]

1. I collect 1/72-scale models of pre-war breadcrumbs, and paint them individually by hand using a 4" brush.
2. A friend in Delhi has a WiFi-enabled fridge and wireless router, which allows me to eat dhosas and pakoras over the internet.
3. During times of drought, I have been known to lick the morning dew off garden furniture for sustenance. This is unusual for the UK.
4. I was recently asked to participate in Big Brother, but it fell through when we all realised that no-one would ever vote me off.
5. When I watch porn movies, the women in them fantasise that I'm the guy.

[Adoptamom_II]

1. I am asleep as I post this.

2. I have never lost a hand of poker in real life or online play.

3. I have reached my goal weight of 130 lbs.

4. I have designed a house that magically cleans itself and pays me in home cooked meals nightly in appreciation.

5. I receive $1 for every spam email you delete unread.

[Liberal]

1. I am the egg man.
2. I lied about being the egg man.
3. I lied about my lie.
4. I lied about lying about my lie.
5. I lied about lying about lying about my lie.

[chowder]

I have Hitlers missing testicle, in a small box, on the hall table
I am Keeley Hazells secret lover
I am Scarlett Johanssons secret lover
I am the secret lover of all of Elindels Heirs wives
I am exhausted

[Sevastopol]

I'm really only software limbering up for the Turing test (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Turing_test).

HAL 2000 used to be my best friend but we had a falling out.

Now Orac and I hang out.

By and large people are predictable.

There's less to be said for thought and travel at the speed of light then you might think.

I'll stop posting now to cool down.

[Tapioca Dextrin]

I have a mysteious ability to affect street lighting
I have worn the same pair of socks for the past eleven days
I once had a job as a sideshow geek
I am seventh in line to the throne of Swaziland
I am Bill Gates' hairdresser

[Abby_Emma_Sasha]

1-Josh Holloway asked me to marry him. I said yes.
2- Angelina Jolie constantly calls me for beauty tips.
3- I have seven Lithuanian midgets living in my basement.
4- Zsa Zsa Gabor is my mother.
5- I invented White Out

[Elendil's Heir]

...I am the secret lover of all of Elindels Heirs [sic] wives....


Now that's a lie! :mad: