If I was God...

[4JawChuck]

...and Adam And Eve ate that apple, I would've smitten them on the spot.
Then I'd put a couple more people in the garden. I'd call them Brett and Marsha. If they ate the apple, they'd be gone, too. The next time, I'd use my super powers to create perfect people. Then I'd wonder why I didn't do that in the first place.
I admit, I would be a pretty messed-up God.
What would YOU be like as God?

[Rigamarole]

What do you mean if I was God?

[Autolycus]

If this was in GD, I'd perhaps post a serious answer.

Since we're in MSPISMSMS, then my reply is the following:


Ski-ball.

[enigm4tic]

If I was God, the people I would have created would have ALREADY known the difference between good and evil, because being a perfect God I would want them to know that I was the ultimate source of Good, and there was nothing to fear from them knowing it.

[AHunter3]

...and Adam And Eve ate that apple, I would've smitten them on the spot.
Then I'd put a couple more people in the garden. I'd call them Brett and Marsha. If they ate the apple, they'd be gone, too. The next time, I'd use my super powers to create perfect people. Then I'd wonder why I didn't do that in the first place.
I admit, I would be a pretty messed-up God.
What would YOU be like as God?


Boy, I'll say. I've never heard of a God so fu


....wait a minute... ::thumbs through Old Testament::


anything you want to tell us?

[pinkfreud]

If I were God, I'd yell my own name whenever I had an orgasm.

[CynicalGabe]

...there'd be no explicit sex on TV.

Like little Opie eating pie when he made it with Aunt Bea....

[Bobotheoptimist]

Adam and Eve would suffer an eternity of torment for defying me! No, that'd be boring. Knowledge of good and evil is ok with me, so that wouldn't have been an issue - I'd put a little fence around the Tree of Life, lest they become as me... A little wire fence of DOOM!

Then I'd probably get bored and build something interesting to destroy them. Then a virus to destroy that, then a race of tiny super smart beings, then curious but stupid giants, then I'd toss the whole thing into the sun and start over.

[enigm4tic]

Adam and Eve would suffer an eternity of torment for defying me! No, that'd be boring. Knowledge of good and evil is ok with me, so that wouldn't have been an issue - I'd put a little fence around the Tree of Life, lest they become as me... A little wire fence of DOOM!

Then I'd probably get bored and build something interesting to destroy them. Then a virus to destroy that, then a race of tiny super smart beings, then curious but stupid giants, then I'd toss the whole thing into the sun and start over.
.....If God were ADD....

[gigi]

...you wouldn't be a stickler about the subjunctive case?

[Bobotheoptimist]

.....If God were ADD....Whadda mean "If"? Ever read that book of his? :)

[Ghanima]

If I were God, I'd change my name and enter into a witness protection program.

[WhyNot]

If I were Goddess, I'd make people so when you poke holes in them, all their blood doesn't rush out. That was a design flaw, IMHO.

No, I'd make things with power buttons. When it came time to die, you'd just push your button and painlessly shuffle off that mortal coil. I might think about a Reset button, as well.

Also, scratching would actually relieve an itch and not make things worse.

[Freddy the Pig]

If I were God, I'd have created Adam and Steve. They would have found something better to wear than those stupid fig leaves.

[Der Trihs]

If I were God -

First, I'd change the old God into into a human and force him to work for eternity in a sweatshop owned by Pat Robertson.

Then, rebooting the rest of the world, I'd make the Serpent co-equal to Adam & Eve as a reward for undercutting the old management, and throw in a girl Serpent. He, Adam and Eve would all get a taste of the Tree of Knowledge and the Tree of Life. I'd improve them in general ( we can rebuild them . . . we have the miracles . . . make them faster . . . stronger than before ! )

[Diogenes the Cynic]

I would not repeat the mistake of creating the universe. That made a lot of people very angry and has been widely regarded as a bad move.

[xanthous]

If I were God, Death Pony would be real (www.youtube.com/watch?v=CqT2COHG4uI)

[tashabot]

...there'd be no explicit sex on TV.

Like little Opie eating pie when he made it with Aunt Bea....

Am I seriously the only other person here who got this song stuck in their head at the OP? :(

If I were God.....

Everyone would use their blinker in traffic. It would be a compulsion, much like eating and shitting.

~Tasha

[TroubleAgain]

If I were God, everyone would at least consider being nice to each other. Oh, and ice cream would be good for you.

[Montgomery0]

If I were god, everything would be the same as now, except people would be made of bubblewrap.

[Lobsang]

What would I be like as God?


Well duh. I wouldn't create despair, sadness, boredom etc..

I wouldn't create that thing humans have whereby they 'normalize' things... In other words they get used to negativity or posativity and experience it as neutrality. (or mild negativity)

[enigm4tic]

If I were God, Death Pony would be real (www.youtube.com/watch?v=CqT2COHG4uI)
I actually have a shirt with the apocalypse ponies on it, it rocks. :cool:

[fishbicycle]

If I only could, I'd make a deal with Kate Bush, and I'd get her to swap our places.

[robardin]

...there'd be no explicit sex on TV.
Like little Opie eating pie when he made it with Aunt Bea....
Am I seriously the only other person here who got this song stuck in their head at the OP? :(
What song is that? I have no idea. I guess this may date me a little bit, though, 'cause a song did go through my head but it was Joan Osborne's One Of Us (with lyrics similarly replete with disdain for the subjunctive mood... not case ;)).

[Mrs. Millamant]

If I were an all-powerful deity, I would do a few miracles, a bit of smiting, and then appear at random all over the world, pointing at people and telling them how terribly wrong they've been their entire lives. And then I would laugh at them.

Then I would attempt to make a bowl of ice cream so large I could not eat it, and vanish in a puff of logic.

[Sage Rat]

The next time, I'd use my super powers to create perfect people. Then I'd wonder why I didn't do that in the first place.
"Mr. President, you tried this same plan twice before, and it failed both times. Why do you think it will succeed this time?"
"I told them it has to."
"Well why didn't you tell them that the first two times?"

[Nic2004]

Well, when I made people I'd have installed an arm on the back, between the shoulder blades, so they could scratch their own backs. I'd put eyes in the back of heads for real. Stuff that's good for you would taste better than stuff that's bad for you. Children would be immune from terrible diseases. I would make it so people felt the pain they inflicted on others, either physical or emotional. I'd have a zipper-like addition on the belly so you could eat anything you want and have it just fall out the front if desired. I'd make an umbrella that doesn't turn inside-out in the wind. Farts and body odor would smell like honeysuckle and vanilla, respectively. One would be born old and would grow younger, smarter and better looking as time passed and would die at their most healthy. Maybe make water compressible so you could take a small tank and water a desert for crops. I'd make a real after-life with occasional communication by anyone with anyone so information would never be lost but no-one would be tempted to live in the past.
Just off the top of my head.

[Mbossa]

If I were God, I'd take a hands-off approach to universe management. I'd let the universe mostly run itself, but I'd intervene just enough to ensure that people endlessly argue about whether I exist.

Then I'd unleash hordes of poisonous monkeys.

[4JawChuck]

And on the eighth day, I would say, "Verily, thou shalt eliminate the subjunctive mood".
And it were good.

[Beaucarnea]

If I were an all-powerful deity, I would do a few miracles, a bit of smiting, and then appear at random all over the world, pointing at people and telling them how terribly wrong they've been their entire lives. And then I would laugh at them.

Then I would attempt to make a bowl of ice cream so large I could not eat it, and vanish in a puff of logic.


Please, join us. Won't you?

[Sage Rat]

Please, join us. Won't you?
*votes "Aye"*

[Ranchoth]

I'd punish Abraham for almost killing Isaac—the correct response would have been to refuse to sacrifice his son, because any god who'd demand that for no reason would be unworthy of worship. "Trick question, asshole!"

And holy cities that people fight over would develop an unusual tendency to destroy themselves. (Freak earthquakes dropping them below sea-level, volcanic eruptions burying them in lava, infestations by Sumatran Rat-Monkeys, etc.)

Eh...and, on the whole, I think I'd do a lot more smiting. Cruel, gruesome, smiting.

[4JawChuck]

And I would seal off Baby Jesus's tear ducts.

[Strain of Thought]

If I were god, I would create billions of stars and lifeless planets, trying a slightly different recipie for each, to see if I could get anything interesting to develop. If one of those planets happened to spawn some notable phenomenon, like life, or perhaps slood, I'd focus my attention on it and start prodding it with unnatural disasters and natural asters until the life either became somewhat interesting or stopped trying. Then, without ever directly revealing my existence, I'd manipulate the somewhat interesting life into quarreling with itself, and then sit back and watch the ensuing reality-TV show for the next few millenia.

You may not be surprised to learn that I deeply enjoyed stirring up anthills as a child.

[Malacandra]

If I were God, I would see to it that the thread hadn't already been grammar-nitpicked before I got to it.

(Teacher: " 'Take the cow into the field!' - What mood?"
Little Johnny: "The cow, sir")

[Nic2004]

If I were an all-powerful deity, I would do a few miracles, a bit of smiting, and then appear at random all over the world, pointing at people and telling them how terribly wrong they've been their entire lives. And then I would laugh at them.

Then I would attempt to make a bowl of ice cream so large I could not eat it, and vanish in a puff of logic.
Yes. Please join us. Our work here is not yet complete.

[anyrose]

If I were a mischievous God, all daughters of right-wing conservatives would fall hopelessly, madly, in love with sons of leftist liberals (and vice vesa); the sons of right-wing conservatives would be gay; the daughters of leftist liberals would become housewives.
Were I a benevolent God, I'd be exhausted from answering prayers all over the place, but mostly, I'd bring my parents, sister, and sister-in-law back to life, healthy and happy, and able to enjoy my brother's grandson.

[bbs2k]

This thread is all in good fun, but I'd like to add that it's turned humorously creepy with three posters joining in on a chant of "Join us! Joooooooooooin ussssss!"

You guys are freaking me out!

(btw, nice reference CynicalGabe)

[Mrs. Millamant]

You guys are freaking me out!

If you're freaked out, imagine how I feel!

[hotflungwok]

If I were god:

the human body would be able to metabolize efficiently, and store required nutrients until needed.

the human body would have much better maintenance and feeback systems.

the human mind would be much less susceptible to 'emotional baggage' type connections, and would have a more robust and easier to access memory system.

I've never understood people who hold up the 'perfection' of the human form as proof for god. If god made us, I wanna see the requirements docs, and have a few words with QA.

[Ranchoth]

Oh, I'd probably have rigged it so that human nerve tissue either grew back, or could have broken sections fairly readily "gapped" with certain silicon compounds.

[Faminista]

Probably kill myself.

[Annie-Xmas]

I would have given people perfect teeth that didn't rot. What is the advantage in having teeth that rot? Giving employment to dental people? I can live without that.

[CalMeacham]

I'd make a rock so big I couldn't pick it up, just for the hell of it.



















Then I'd make a chick so hot I couldn't pick her up.

[Uzi]

1. I'd make death optional.
2. I'd make humans more like lizards with the ability to grow back missing limbs, parts, etc. And maybe able to leap tall buildings, or some such.
3. From a science fiction novel I read many years ago: Women would have the ability to, uh, snip off any offending object inserted into their vaginas. See 2 above if anyone objects too strenuously.
4. If I wanted anyone to follow my rules, I'd make myself actually known to those individuals so that there was no doubt about what I wanted. I can create a frikken universe, but I can't send a simple message like 'I'm here. Don't fuck with me!'?!

Actually, I kill off all the men and fat hairy chicks and spend eternity servicing the rest. :p It's good to be God.

[Mindfield]

For a start...

Instead of petrolium, long-term geological pressure and heat on ancient deposits of zooplankton and algae would form huge pockets of Bearnaise sauce.

I'd make cats hypoallergenic to begin with.

Stupid would hurt.

Being a prick would generate an insatiable itch just below the coccyx that wouldn't go away until you did something good to offset it.

Excess body fat could be eliminated at will.

Trans fats would be good for you.

Brussels sprouts wouldn't be.

I would not allow anyone to believe in me, instead allowing Mankind to simply accept that "shit happens," and that nothing should ever be done in my name.

[AskNott]

(singing, in a reedy folksinger voice)

"If God were john Carpenter,
And you were Gene Keady,
Would you worship Him anyway?
Would you praise Him daily?"

[AskNott]

If I were God, I wouldn't allow people to waste a lot of time on shame and guilt. I would command people to not worship Me. What a collosal waste of humanity that shit is! All that boring "Thou art so freaking cool, and we are but fleas on Thy dog." Rubbish! Get over it. You're pretty cool yourselves, people. Don't dis My work. I'd let 'em keep the church buildings, though, for concerts. Those big pipe organs kick ass. :D

I'd delete Leviticus altogether. All that nonsense about not eating pigs and ospreys, and rules about your slaves; that's not My will. In fact, I'd whittle down the whole Bible to a few pages, built around "Donlt be a jerk." I'd dial down everybody abilities for rage and violence. I'll do the smiting; it's not humanity's job.

No need to say, "God Bless this or that." I did that already. :p

[furryman]

If I were god I'd answer more prayers.

Then I'd create a race of super horny cat girls who love being slaves.

Superheroes would really exist.

[Antinor01]

I probably wouldn't have bothered creating mankind at all. I would have spent eternity just entertaining myself.

[xizor]

I would take a more Greek approach and actually mingle with people more often, plus trick a few hot chicks into sleeping with me to produce some half-god children.

I would make one giant "God White Board" and write down what I wanted on there instead of giving vague signs to be interpreted. Most of the time it would say "enjoy yourself but don't hurt anyone"

I would hang around seances and fuck with people by playing tambourines and throwing books around and stuff.

I would give Sylvia Browne some balls so I could kick her in them.

[melangell]

If I were God:

I would create a time machine and then abdicate my Godness and leave it to those more qualified, someone who wanted the responsibility and would do good and interesting things.

Maybe a division of labor. On this thread I think it would be fun to divide the Godness between Mindfield, Anyrose, Strain of Thought and Nic2004. Then, I could drop by in my time machine every now and again to see whether preternaturally healthy people with and without arms growing out of their backs found nobility or lost all hope when their world became an astral shooting gallery.

[merrily]

I'd post my image on toast, shower curtains and the sides of cows.

Performance Art God

[RandMcnally]

There wouldn't be any doubt that I existed, I'd be smiting people all the time. And not in any way where you can second guess.

"There is no God"
SMITE

Lighting bolt then lights him on fire. Then a cow falls onto him to put him out.

[Apophenia]

I would make one giant "God White Board" and write down what I wanted on there instead of giving vague signs to be interpreted. Most of the time it would say "enjoy yourself but don't hurt anyone"

I like this idea. But I would also write up witty quotations and newspaper clippings and leave them there for way too long.

[WhyNot]

I probably wouldn't have bothered creating mankind at all. I would have spent eternity just entertaining myself.
I'm pretty sure creating mankind (or life, anyway) IS how God is entertaining him/her/itself! :D

[Antinor01]

I'm pretty sure creating mankind (or life, anyway) IS how God is entertaining him/her/itself! :D

True very true. Metatron even said so in Dogma!

[betenoir]

Then I'd create a race of super horny cat girls who love being slaves

:eek: I'm right here!

For godsake.