I'm upset. I feel that my present wasn't properly appreciated.

[JThunder]

I feel upset.

I just came back from a birthday party. Just before the party, I gave the celebrant a vase filled with a dozen roses and some white carnations. I knew that she had a special fondness for red roses, so I made a special effort to get them. She expressed her thankfulness, for which I think she was sincere.

Later that evening, two guys gave her a pair of generic grocery store bouquets. The bouquets weren't bad looking, but they weren't great either. Still, she practically jumped for joy, saying "This is so wonderful! JThunder, please take a picture of me with these flowers!" In the meantime, I was thinking, "Hmmm. She didn't react with as much joy at my roses. She certainly didn't ask for her photo to be taken with them."

Later that evening, I told her that my feelings had been hurt. She said, "That's because my relationship with them is different. Normally, they act more like little boys, whereas you act more like an adult and a gentleman. That's why I was so overjoyed to receive flowers from them."

I guess that makes some sense, and I do understand her perspective. Still, it didn't seem very classy for her to respond so very differently in my case. At the very least, I wish she had asked to get her photo taken with my present as well.

[Leaffan]

Suck it up. No big deal.

[CairoCarol]

Even though I can understand how you feel, I think Leaffan is right. Here is your chance to prove that you are the "adult and gentleman" she thinks you are.

[JThunder]

I understand why you folks would say, "Eh. No big deal"... and in the grand scheme of things, perhaps it wasn't. When I contrast her overjoyed reaction toward their gift with her understated reaction toward mine, though... well, it kinda stings.

[A.R. Cane]

You don't elaborate on your relationship w/ the "recipient", but I think it's a bit tacky to question her reaction to your gift. The obvious choice, if you're disappointed in her reaction, would be to forgo giving her any gifts in future, not to make an issue of it and possibly spoil any appreciation she did have for the gift, not to mention throwing a wet blanket on her birthday celebration. Even if she's a very close friend, you could have, at least, waited a few days to bring it up.

[JThunder]

Let's just say that she did several more things that were kinda hurtful that night. I didn't want to let any resentment fester without talking things through with her.

Because we did talk, I had an opportunity to understand her perspective, and vice versa. If we hadn't chatted about it, I would have probably been resentful all night long, and she wouldn't have known why.

[Leaffan]

My psychoanalysis: She is in no way interested in you. Move along. There's nothing more to say here.

"Let's just say that she did several more things that were kinda hurtful that night"

Do you need a GPS? Move on bro.

[JThunder]

It's not quite what you think, Leaffan. It's not a question of romantic rejection. Let's just say that certain things were said and done that night that were very much uncool.

[levdrakon]

Maybe I'm old-fashioned, or maybe just clueless but I thought red roses usually signified a romantic love or passion for a person, and if that's not the sort of relationship you have with this woman than you might have made her feel uncomfortable.

A woman can say she loves red roses but what she may not have made clear is she loves to get them from her boyfriend/husband.

What do you think? Possible?

[Leaffan]

Yeahhhh, ...... and so therefor move along. Be done with it. Cut the umbilical cord.

[Mbossa]

Had she had anything to drink between receiving your gift and their gifts? I'm not necessarily suggesting that she was drunk, but in my experience, it's not unusual for that kind of behaviour change to occur after just a couple of drinks. Even if she was completely sober throughout, it may be possible that the party atmosphere made her a bit more excitable.

[JThunder]

Maybe I'm old-fashioned, or maybe just clueless but I thought red roses usually signified a romantic love or passion for a person, and if that's not the sort of relationship you have with this woman than you might have made her feel uncomfortable.

A woman can say she loves red roses but what she may not have made clear is she loves to get them from her boyfriend/husband.

What do you think? Possible?
Nah. She's the one who pretty much said that red roses were her favorite type. I'm certain that she meant it in a general fashion.

And besides, even if that were her preference, it's kinda classless to react with overflowing enthusiasm toward a couple of grocery store bouquets, while practically ignoring a more finely crafted floral arrangement in a vase. The price isn't the issue; rather, it's the level of effort and thoughtfulness involved.

[JThunder]

Had she had anything to drink between receiving your gift and their gifts? I'm not necessarily suggesting that she was drunk, but in my experience, it's not unusual for that kind of behaviour change to occur after just a couple of drinks. Even if she was completely sober throughout, it may be possible that the party atmosphere made her a bit more excitable.She did indeed have a drink of mild wine. I have a hard time imagining this made all the difference, but I suppose it's possible.

[Ferret Herder]

Typically red roses, even if they are a woman's favorite, also mean romantic affection/love. Perhaps she reacted less favorably towards your gift than she intended because she didn't want to appear to lead you on.

Nevertheless, if various other "uncool" things went on from her the very same night, to the point where you'd rather not go into it, probably her being not very demonstrative about your flowers is the least of your worries with her.

[Gary Kumquat]

it's kinda classless to react with overflowing enthusiasm toward a couple of grocery store bouquets, while practically ignoring a more finely crafted floral arrangement in a vase.

I'd say it's a bit more classless to complain to someone you've given a present that they've hurt your feelings by not being appreciative enough.

I know that message board posts can often be misinterpreted, but the way you've described things here really do make it sound a bit...creepy. You've bought a present that looks very much like a romantic gesture, and then you became upset that other peoples presents got a better reception. You talk about her having done & said things you found uncool, but won't mention.

Sorry, it really does sound like you're feelings towards her are a bit more than friendship.

[Eureka]

Someone I know took an unfinished but handmade quilt to a baby shower. The guest of honor reacted with insufficient enthusiasm, and ignored the giver. Giver was mad. A year and a half later, they are no longer friends.

It is important to note that other events took place during that year and a half, which confirmed that they had totally different views on friendship and honest, etc. But still, failure to show proper appreciation for the gift and the time, money, and energy invested in attending the baby shower, was not the first blow, but was a serious blow to the relationship, showing the contrast between the expectations of the two women.

[Lynn Bodoni]

She did indeed have a drink of mild wine. I have a hard time imagining this made all the difference, but I suppose it's possible. I get noticeably more uninhibited after just one drink. I very rarely have two drinks in one day. And yeah, red roses are a declaration of romantic love.

Still, I think that she should have gushed over your arrangement at least as much as she gushed over the other flowers, if not more so. Red roses and white carnations are a very nice gift.

[Harmonious Discord]

I think it has more to do with you're a friend and they're potental dates, in her eyes. She adds in extra for them and stays calm with you.

[Maastricht]

Maybe she didn't like the vase? Flowers are gone the next week, but a vase keeps taking up space.

Has she given you presents of equal worth and effort? If she hasn't, your gifts are probably making her uncomfortable, not grateful. Her calling you a gentleman may be a way to lessen that uncomfortabel feeling, as a gentleman is someone who will give anyone such chic gifts, not just her of all people.

In gifts and friendship, reciprocity is key. It took me a long time to learn that lesson.
This doesn't just apply to romantic relationships, but to friendships as well. An unrequited or unbalanced friendship can be just as painful (IMHO, even more so) then unrequited love.

[JThunder]

Folks, I reiterate... She specifically said that she prefers red roses. I know that for some, red roses automatically imply romantic love. For her though, she specifically said that that's the type of flower that she prefers to receive.

So no, I don't buy for one moment that it's because she didn't want to receive red roses from a friend. She specifically told me otherwise, when the subject of flowers first came up in our conversations.

Has she given you presents of equal worth and effort? If she hasn't, your gifts are probably making her uncomfortable, not grateful. Her calling you a gentleman may be a way to lessen that uncomfortabel feeling, as a gentleman is someone who will give anyone such chic gifts, not just her of all people.
She is quite aware that I tend to give "chic gifts" to a great many people. We've had discussions about that before, and in fact, she's seen me give them to co-workers on more than one occasion.

[JThunder]

I'd say it's a bit more classless to complain to someone you've given a present that they've hurt your feelings by not being appreciative enough.
This is more than just "not being appreciative enough." The problem wasn't that she responded to my birthday present in an understated way. I had no problem with that, and it didn't bother me in the least.

No, the problem occured because she calmly accepted my gift, but then positively gushed over another (lesser, more sloppily prepared, and less thoroughly researched) pair of presents. Heck, she even asked for a photograph to be taken, so that this memory could be preserved for all time. That's pretty much a slap in the face to the other gift-giver, especially since I made a special effort to find out what she liked.

And that's the key. It's poor form to gush over one person's present, while practically ignoring a similar gift from someone else -- especially when a great deal more effort went into the latter.

[don't ask]

I think your response indicates that her response was perfectly appropriate. Your gift was designed to get you the maximum plaudits, but didn't work, the other gifts were sincere attempts to please her.

[JThunder]

I think your response indicates that her response was perfectly appropriate. Your gift was designed to get you the maximum plaudits, but didn't work, the other gifts were sincere attempts to please her.No, it wasn't. As I said, I was perfectly fine with her quiet, understated response to my present. As I've repeatedly pointed out, I did NOT expect her to gush over what I gave her. Heck, I didn't expect much of a response at all.

Rather, the issue is one of basic graces. It's poor form to specifically gush over one person's gift while basically ignoring a comparable present that someone else gave. It amounts to saying, "I appreciate this gift, but not that one." And when the other present requires a great deal more effort, it's hard not to feel slighted.

[Maastricht]

And that's the key. It's poor form to gush over one person's present, while practically ignoring a similar gift from someone else -- especially when a great deal more effort went into the latter.On that, I gotta agree.

[UncleRojelio]

Later that evening, I told her that my feelings had been hurt.
WTF? No whining! Cowboy up dude.

[Cheesesteak]

And that's the key. It's poor form to gush over one person's present, while practically ignoring a similar gift from someone else -- especially when a great deal more effort went into the latter.bold added by me

Who's to say which took more effort? Being adult and gentlemanly is second nature to you, but is a rather foreign concept to the other guys. She is lavish in her praise to them for being surprisingly thoughtful. Similar to how she might praise a child's crudely drawn card more than a skillfully made card by an adult, even if the adult put in more time and thought.

[JThunder]

bold added by me

Who's to say which took more effort? Being adult and gentlemanly is second nature to you, but is a rather foreign concept to the other guys. She is lavish in her praise to them for being surprisingly thoughtful.
I understand that. When I say that my present required more effort, I'm talking about the fact that I researched her preferences, went to a florist and requested a specific arrangement. In contrast, they picked up a couple of bouquets at a grocery store.

As I said earlier though, I do understand her explanation that this gesture was more surprising, coming from them. I just think it was rather impolite of her to sing the praises of their gifts, while saying nothing about my gesture. Why not make an effort to acknowledge all gifts in similar ways, especially when the gifts are similar?

Remember, I had no way of knowing that this was her rationale. To any casual observer, it would simply look as though she loved their efforts, but didn't care about what I gave.

Do you know what I'd do in that situation? After posing for a photo with their bouquets, I would have said, "Oh, and I'd also like to get my picture taken with JThunder's flowers as well!" That way, everybody would know that all of these presents were deeply appreciated. I think that's pretty much just common sense and basic social grace.

[tiger lily]

Given the quality of flower bouquets in a lot of supermarkets, they might actually have had to make a real effort to find two that were totally presentable. :p

Yes, ideally she would have acknowledged everyone's gifts equally. However, she appears to have been counting on you as a gentleman to understand why the difference in treatment... and maybe that was a bit presumptuous of her. I can understand feeling a little hurt when the gift you give isn't received with as much hype.

But honestly, the way you are harping on the flowers here is a bit much. So you two chatted once upon a time, and she told you that she liked red roses. How does translate into extensive research, etc. into her tastes? Maybe she just never had a conversation with the other two guys about the flowers she likes. Are you taking credit then for a happenstance?

IMO, sounds to me like the other supposedly hurtful things she did bother you much more, only you don't want to discuss those here, so you make a bigger fuss over the flowers that would seem to be called for.

[don't ask]

When you told her how your feelings had been hurt did she suggest that next year you just stick the gift up your ass? Cause that would solve the problem.

[JThunder]

Yes, ideally she would have acknowledged everyone's gifts equally. However, she appears to have been counting on you as a gentleman to understand why the difference in treatment... and maybe that was a bit presumptuous of her. I can understand feeling a little hurt when the gift you give isn't received with as much hype.
Yes, and thank you for understanding. That's exactly how I felt.

But honestly, the way you are harping on the flowers here is a bit much. So you two chatted once upon a time, and she told you that she liked red roses. How does translate into extensive research, etc. into her tastes? Maybe she just never had a conversation with the other two guys about the flowers she likes. Are you taking credit then for a happenstance?
Well, first of all, I didn't say that I conducted "extensive" research. I simply said that I made an effort to find out what kind of flowers she liked.

This was a deliberate effort, which is why it wasn't happenstance. I deliberately steered our conversation in an attempt to find out what kinds of things she liked. This happened to include the kind of flowers she preferred.

So yes, while I think that these gents were sweet and thoughtful, I also think that I invested considerably more effort into this gesture. I invested more effort in every possible way, which is why the stark contrast between her responses was a bit jarring.

[UncleRojelio]

Do you know what I'd do in that situation? After posing for a photo with their bouquets, I would have said, "Oh, and I'd also like to get my picture taken with JThunder's flowers as well!" That way, everybody would know that all of these presents were deeply appreciated. I think that's pretty much just common sense and basic social grace.How anyone could think of you as "an adult and a gentleman" is beyond me now. Get a life!

[delphica]

As I said earlier though, I do understand her explanation that this gesture was more surprising, coming from them. I just think it was rather impolite of her to sing the praises of their gifts, while saying nothing about my gesture. Why not make an effort to acknowledge all gifts in similar ways, especially when the gifts are similar?


Bolding mine. Did she say nothing, or did she express her thankfulness, as you mentioned in the OP?

Personally, I would be alarmed if any gift given to me came with so many strings attached. Yes, in a perfect world, all gifts would be given equal thanks, but that's not really how it plays out in real life. Her explanation seems a little odd to me, to be honest, but I can also see how being asked for an explanation in the first place might have made her felt backed in a corner and flustered. I know I have not always responded gracefully in situations where I felt I was put on the spot.

[JThunder]

Bolding mine. Did she say nothing, or did she express her thankfulness, as you mentioned in the OP?
That was careless phrasing on my part. She did indeed say "Thank you." As I said, it was an understated and entirely appropriate response.

Personally, I would be alarmed if any gift given to me came with so many strings attached.
I don't think it's fair to paint this as having "strings attached." There were no requirements for the gift, nor was anything expected in return. As I've said earlier, the problem wasn't with the strongly contrasting responses to gifts that were essentially the same (albeit with different levels of effort required).

I think that tiger lily understands my viewpoint quite well when she says, "Yes, ideally she would have acknowledged everyone's gifts equally. However, she appears to have been counting on you as a gentleman to understand why the difference in treatment... and maybe that was a bit presumptuous of her. I can understand feeling a little hurt when the gift you give isn't received with as much hype."

[Anaamika]

I am tentatively on the side of the OP here. I would never have said anything but I would have been hurt too if I'd given a gift to have this kind of reception. But then again, lots of inconsiderate people in life.

[Aangelica]

I'm a little surprised.

You felt that the response given to your gift was not as good as the responses given to other, similar gifts. You then inquired as to the difference with the lady receiving the gifts.

And she didn't slap you upside the head? Missed a golden opportunity, there. I can see making a gentle comment if she failed to thank you at all, but saying something to her because you didn't think her "thank you" was effusive enough or excited enough is just...... I don't have the words, but I'd be pissed about it if I were in her shoes.

If she thanked you politely and sincerely for your gift, why is her behavior being called into question here? And, really, why are you comparing her responses to various gifts anyway? Do you win a prize if you get the most effusive response?

I'm inclined to believe her explanation (and a little horrified you felt compelled to demand one). I know that I tend to be more effusive when presented with gifts I didn't expect than ones I was expecting. Maybe she wanted her picture taken with the gifts from the other fellas because she wanted photographic evidence they actually remembered her birthday and appeared with an appropriate gift since that's never happened before and never will again. (This is why I have a picture of myself with flowers my brother gave me - it remains, to this day, the only event my brother has managed to remember and appear at with appropriate gift since he got too old for my mother to prod him about it.) Or maybe she was extra-effusive with the other fellas to encourage them in this behavior in the future - and knew you didn't require the extra encouragement.

She was probably counting on you to be gracious enough not to make a big deal about the difference, since she apparently considered you a gentleman.

You've mentioned that she did some other things you're not happy about, but you seem fixated on this flower thing. I have to tell you that I'm not sure you're in the right to be incensed about it, frankly. One shouldn't give a gift in the expectation of reward (like effusive thanks and gushing).

On rereading this response is a little harsh, but I stand by the principle. Ideally, every gift giver should be identically treated, but that's rarely the case, and being hurt about it is essentially being overly thin-skinned (in my opinion only, YMMV). Commenting to her about it is actually rude, also in my opinion only, YMMV.

[tiger lily]

I think that tiger lily understands my viewpoint quite well when she says, "Yes, ideally she would have acknowledged everyone's gifts equally. However, she appears to have been counting on you as a gentleman to understand why the difference in treatment... and maybe that was a bit presumptuous of her. I can understand feeling a little hurt when the gift you give isn't received with as much hype."
Yes, I understand your viewpoint to a certain extent. But to emphasize a few things you said earlier:
Well, first of all, I didn't say that I conducted "extensive" research. I simply said that I made an effort to find out what kind of flowers she liked.

This was a deliberate effort, which is why it wasn't happenstance. I deliberately steered our conversation in an attempt to find out what kinds of things she liked. This happened to include the kind of flowers she preferred.

So yes, while I think that these gents were sweet and thoughtful, I also think that I invested considerably more effort into this gesture. I invested more effort in every possible way, which is why the stark contrast between her responses was a bit jarring.
Would you be saying the same thing if two of her female friends showed up with supermarket bouquets? If not, why not?

Honestly, it doesn’t much sound like you’re just unhappy that she didn’t show more outward enthusiasm - it sounds much more like you do have a romantic interest in her, and you feel rebuffed. The reason why I say this, and that other people have said this, is because it’s really not very common at all for the average male platonic friend to steer conversation in the direction of the things that a female friend likes, with a view toward figuring out what gift will best “blow her away” at the next gift-giving opportunity. It’s what guys with a romantic interest do.

It’s even possible that you when you told her how you were hurt at her reaction, she had a flashback to your conversation and she got (what you are saying is) the wrong impression about your interest. No wonder her response was awkward.

I think you need to acknowledge that trying to be iconoclastic about a popular romantic gesture is not advisable, however desirable on your part. You’re better off sticking to a box of chocolates, or even a supermarket bouquet of flowers, if you don’t want to be misunderstood. And then there is also no chance to be hurt about a disproportionate amount of time/effort spent selecting a gift. Just MHO.

[SkipMagic]

When you told her how your feelings had been hurt did she suggest that next year you just stick the gift up your ass? Cause that would solve the problem.
How anyone could think of you as "an adult and a gentleman" is beyond me now. Get a life!
Totally inappropriate for MPSIMS, guys. If you want to vent about, attack or insult another poster, do it in the Pit. But leave it out of the other fora.

[JThunder]

I am tentatively on the side of the OP here. I would never have said anything but I would have been hurt too if I'd given a gift to have this kind of reception.
Thank you. I'm so glad that you understand.

And she didn't slap you upside the head? Missed a golden opportunity, there. I can see making a gentle comment if she failed to thank you at all, but saying something to her because you didn't think her "thank you" was effusive enough or excited enough is just...... I don't have the words, but I'd be pissed about it if I were in her shoes.
Again, that's a misrepresentation. It's not that her response to me wasn't effusive enough. As I said earlier, her quiet "thank you" was perfectly reasonable and justified. It's the difference in the response that's jarring.

It's like being seated at a formal dinner with a group of women. Only a lout would single out one woman and say, "You look absolutely beautiful tonight!" He's not obligated to compliment the other women, but it's pretty rude to single out that one woman without saying anything to the others.

And yes, I did speak to her about it. I did because there were several other things that happened that night, and I wanted to clear the air. I didn't want any resentment to fester. The result? I found out why she acted as she did, which made it easier to keep the peace. For her part, she understood why I seemed distracted and upset, which also helped prevent any misunderstandings.

Contrary to your claim, I did not "inquired as to the difference." Rather, I simply let her know that I was a bit hurt by the difference in her response. She volunteered an explanation, which made the whole situation easier to understand.

[JThunder]

Yes, I understand your viewpoint to a certain extent. But to emphasize a few things you said earlier: [snip]

Would you be saying the same thing if two of her female friends showed up with supermarket bouquets? If not, why not?
That is an excellent question. I assume that you're talking about two women giving supermarket bouquets, and her offering the same enthusiastic response?

I'm sure that my feelings would still have been hurt, but not to the same degree. Such is the nature of male-female dynamics. I daresay that this would happen regardless of the presence or absence of any romantic desires.

Anyway, I'm glad that I cleared the air with her. We got together this morning, and things were cool between us now. This is precisely why I wanted to be honest with her regarding how I felt last night. During that discussion, it was clear that she had no intention of hurting me, and I emphasized that I knew she wasn't the type to do so deliberately.

[JThunder]

Her explanation seems a little odd to me, to be honest, but I can also see how being asked for an explanation in the first place might have made her felt backed in a corner and flustered.
Just to reiterate... I didn't ask for an explanation. Rather, I simply mentioned that my feelings were hurt. She's the one who offered an explanation.

I also emphasized that I wanted to let her know because I cared about our friendship and I didn't want to let anything fester between us. I think she now understands how this looked, but I don't know for sure.

[Scribble]

JThunder--You're posting to this thread a lot, either to defend yourself or to clarify points you think other posters have misunderstood.

You're obviously pretty upset about the way this woman treated you. I don't know why she acted the way she did, or what else happened at this party that you're so upset about. But I get the feeling that it would be best for you to just acknowledge the way she treated you and stop being upset at her having acted in ways you found thoughtless or rude.

Obviously, telling her that you're upset didn't give you the response you want. Neither is stewing about what she did and spending lots of time writing about it on a message board. Rather than rehashing the problem, either in your head, with her, or with us, you might want to decide to not give her gifts or go to parties with her. You can't change how she acts towards you, but you can decide what behavior you're willing to accept from her. You can also decide how much of yourself you want to invest in someone who doesn't reciprocate in the way you'd like.

[jsgoddess]

I also emphasized that I wanted to let her know because I cared about our friendship and I didn't want to let anything fester between us.

And yet, you're still talking about it.

Your actions essentially required her to make some excuse. And since her actions were probably not pre-planned, she didn't have an excuse except "Their gifts surprised and delighted me more than yours."

[JThunder]

JThunder--You're posting to this thread a lot, either to defend yourself or to clarify points you think other posters have misunderstood.

You're obviously pretty upset about the way this woman treated you. I don't know why she acted the way she did, or what else happened at this party that you're so upset about. But I get the feeling that it would be best for you to just acknowledge the way she treated you and stop being upset at her having acted in ways you found thoughtless or rude.
Certainly. It'll happen in due time. Right now, the wounds are still fresh.

And yet, you're still talking about it.
That's right. As I said, I'll get over it... but right now, it still chafes a bit.

At least I do have a better understanding of why her responses were so vastly different. I don't think that this justifies being so careless, but it does explain something.

[pulykamell]

- it sounds much more like you do have a romantic interest in her, and you feel rebuffed.

I read the OP last night before there was a response to the thread. The above is what I immediately thought. Judging by the responses since, I'm even more suspicious that this is the case.

I don't think her response was necessarily the most tactful thing to do, but I don't think it was wrong by any stretch, either. I also think confronting her afterwards about it comes off as a bit needy and creepy. IMHO, of course. There's plenty of reasons she might have accepted your gift with a cool "thank you." My guess is she didn't want to lead you on. She could also have, just as well, not been completely loosened up and in the spirit of the party yet to give a gushing display of appreciation. Yet another explanation is that people act differently around different sets of people. I act more serious and formal around some people, and like a goofy little schoolboy around others. I could certainly envision a situation in which the same gift, depending on the giver, would elicit two very different response, even though I may appreciate the gift equally.

In other words, I think a gracious gentleman would have let this go. I'm sorry it stings, but I think you're dwelling on this way more than is reasonable.

[Anaamika]

He probably should let it go at this point but I don't think it was entirely wrong to mention it to her. Yeah, part seems a little weird...but it also shows a good friendship and an honest person IMO. I would rather have someone say it than let it fester.

I'm also not sure why people are complaining he's posting a lot. Should he not? Should he just sit back and let the responses roll over him? I prefer an active OP!

However now that she has given her answer the OP needs to decide what he wants out of this friendship. Obviously they have different expectations. And yes, a response like this to a gift would simply mean next time it wou;dn't be hand-selected roses but a generic bouquet bought from the grocery store. Why not, if she's going to be just as happy or happier about the others?

[Thudlow Boink]

Later that evening, I told her that my feelings had been hurt. She said, "That's because my relationship with them is different. Normally, they act more like little boys, whereas you act more like an adult and a gentleman. That's why I was so overjoyed to receive flowers from them."Sounds like you've got her expectations of you set too high. You need to start ignoring her and giving her crap, so that on those rare occasions when you do do something nice or extravagant, she'll be pleasantly surprised instead of just taking it for granted. :)

[Autolycus]

This is going to sound mean, but yet I think it most accurately represents my sentiments for this thread:

Grow a pair and quit your bitchin'

[jsgoddess]

I would rather have someone say it than let it fester.


I guess for me, from the way everything has been described, I'd say that if this festers the relationship isn't anything worth saving.

[Spiral Stairs]

There's a big difference between feeling hurt and telling her that she has hurt you.

Like others, I would have felt hurt too (especially if, as the subtext here strongly suggests, I had a romantic interest in her). I'm a sensitive guy like that. However, not every injury needs to be pointed out to the injurer. Some are too small to mention. Some are too difficult to describe within the bounds of tact. Some might be appropriate to describe, but at a different time and place. (And, as a purely tactical matter, if you do indeed have romantic interest, I don't think your reaction furthered your cause.)

My reaction to the story is that I understand the pain you felt, but I don't understand why you felt the need to point it out. In the grand scheme of things, and even in the little scheme of things, this was an awfully minor slight. You may have imbued it with greater significance because you have some invisible dogs in the fight (i.e., romantic interest), but your invisible dogs don't make your outward conduct look any more appropriate.

[Honey]

JT you must be a consistently thoughtful gift giver since she was not surprised by your wonderful gift. It sounds like she knows you well and expects great things from you. That right there is awesome praise.

Perhaps she wanted a photo with the other bouquets because she didn't think she'd ever see a gift from those people again.

[pulykamell]

He probably should let it go at this point but I don't think it was entirely wrong to mention it to her.

Not necessarily, but it's entirely dependent on how close the relationship is. Personally, if anybody but the closest of my close friends or family reacted in this way to me, I'd find it a bit weird, especially if nothing was meant by my actions. I mean, what, am I supposed to keep my emotions in check and portion out exactly the right amount based on the gift received?

[Happy Scrappy Hero Pup]

I can tell this much from the thread and JThunder's responses so far, and I would like some clarification if not detailed acceptance/denial of the following assumptions, on all of which I would make positive wagers if this was presented to me as a blind test:


1. JThunder is romantically interested in the woman.

2. JThunder has certain insecurities with regard to the other gift-givers, and may feel in "competition" with them.

3. JThunder's gift, as compared to the average gift given, was a bit over-the-top.

4. JThunder perceives a connection to this woman based on certain encounters that he has had with her, encounters that he would consider important, yet she would be hard-pressed to remember.

And I think I speak for the entire thread when I say that I am INSANELY curious as to the content of the "other things" that came out, even if we only have them through your lens.

I'm not trying to bag on you here, dude, but your reaction is WAY out of line for someone who is invested in only a friendship. You need to be a bit more honest with yourself about the root of these reactions, which are wholly inconsistent with your description of the relationship.

[levdrakon]

I hate to keep harping on the red roses thing, but I can't shake the feeling that was a factor in this. Maybe you know it was a thoughtful (if passionate) expression of a platonic friendship, and maybe she understood that too, but did everyone else at the party?

She may have been overcompensating. It came across as tactless and hurtful, but she may have been trying to make it clear to everyone at the party the expensive & lavish vase of red roses doesn't mean what everyone might be thinking it means. I kinda can't blame her for that.

But, asking you to hold the camera and take a picture with the other two unsophisticated boors and their stupid old flowers was definitely tactless, hurtful and really kind of rude, especially if she didn't ask for a picture with you. I'd be hurt. But if there was any sort of tension about the value and meaning of your gift vs. theirs, what could she do? Call more attention to it?

It was her birthday though, so I'd have tried to do my best to smile and hope she had a good time. I'd probably also have come up with an excuse to leave early, and wouldn't have brought up my feelings until the next day.

[lavenderviolet]

Is this the same girl you were talking about in this thread (http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=411771)?
If so, it *really* sounds like you want more than being "just friends" with her.
If that *is* the case, yes, I totally understand why you felt hurt by how she reacted to your present. I'd be hurt too if someone I was attracted to showed that they weren't as interested in me in return.

I do think levdrakon is onto something here. Even if you truly don't have any romantic interest, it wouldn't surprise me if she *thinks* you do. I definitely think it's a plausible theory that her lack of enthusiasm was the result of overcompensation, in an effort to avoid "leading you on". I certainly don't think she meant to hurt your feelings. The flowers you picked out do sound beautiful, but also with very romantic implications. I'd be totally thrilled to get such a nice present from a boyfriend. But for a friend, I really think it's safer to stick with flowers that have a less romantic connotation than red roses.