What to do with old love letters?

[rivit]

So, I know that I'm not a proliferate poster, but I could use some advice and guidance. The succinct question is: what is the protocol for dealing with love letters from someone, when you are no longer in that relationship?

Some backstory:

I recently got married and in the process of moving stuff and settling in, I rediscovered a box with a number of love letters and mementos of my college girlfriend. She was the first girl that I ever loved and vice versa. We dated very seriously for 3 years and even discussed getting married at one point. However, I was 1 year ahead of her and so when graduation came (1999 for the record), we broke up officially though we continued to be quite intimate with each other for the next year until she graduated. During the time that we were together, we took trips and vacations together and had many wonderful experiences that we shared. We eventually seperated for good when she moved out to the West Coast, but we still keep in infrequent contact and I still consider her a good friend. In fact, we both attended the other's wedding last year.

Now, I love my wife and I don't want to be with anyone else, so it should be a pretty easy decision, right? Except, I like remembering the time that is represented in the letters. It was a trip down memory lane for me when I re-read the letters because I remembered some great college experiences that we shared and the letters are pretty much the only history that I have for most of them. I don't think that my wife would be thrilled to know that I still have them, since she knows how I used to feel for the ex, but I also don't know that she would force me to throw them away either. So I'm conflicted as to whether I should just accept that I've entered a new part of my life and that the new life shouldn't involve intimate letters from someone else or, since they represent a time and relationship that went a long way to shaping me into the person I am today, I should hold onto them to remind me of what I went through to become the person I am today.

So, what should I do? Any dopers want to offer advice or let me know what they have done in similar situations?

[Lissa]

How would you feel about donating them to your local museum or historical society? Letters from this time period are going to be in very short supply and I'm sure your local institution would welcome them in their archives.

[tiger lily]

I've saved some cards and letters from previous relationships, just as I've saved photographs. I look at it this way: those people are a part of my life and personal history, and throwing everything away would be like trying to erase part of my past. I wouldn't expect my SO to part with their memories, either. If my current SO had a problem with my keeping such things, I'd view it as a sign of some unwarranted insecurity. I'm with him now, not the others, and I'm not pining for them, so what's the trouble?

To be fair, it's not like I regularly take the cards, etc. out to moon over them, or use as a launching point for unrequested monologues on my past relationships. If I were, I think my SO would be entitled to be upset.

On preview: My own feeling is that personal correspondence, especially stuff of a romantic nature, shouldn't be passed on to any third party before both parties are old and gray, and public release is less likely to have a negative impact on someone. Otherwise, it's a violation of at least one party's right to privacy. I would be mighty ticked if I found out that any of my ex's did that.

[tiger lily]

Aaaand... I apologize for so much party-ing in my last paragraph. :p

[Edward The Head]

How would you feel about donating them to your local museum or historical society? Letters from this time period are going to be in very short supply and I'm sure your local institution would welcome them in their archives.

I understand wanting some letters, but why love letters? Almost all of the ones I have ever gotten say nothing about what was going on at the time, they are almost all personal. Can you tell me what they would be used for? As I said, I do understand most letters, but some I don't see holding any useful info to anyone but the people involved.

[silenus]

When I got married, the only letters I had around from previous relationships were very, very, very personal and very, very, very hot.


So I burned them.

[lavenderviolet]

If nothing else, I think it would be of historical interest to see how the sort of language people use for "wooing" purposes has evolved over time, and the different social standards about relationships compared to the past.
Personally, I think it's a cool idea to pass along some love letters to a museum. :)

[grayhairedmomma]

When my mom died we found some love letters that she kept from different boyfriends. It was a nice thing to find. It gave me a different perspective on my mom and her life than just knowing her as a parent. I've kept some of mine. Like a diary, it provides more of a reminder of the person you were at that time than a photograph would.

I think you should put them in a shoebox and stick them in the back of your closet. I think if your wife has any that she should do the same. As long as they're all clearly dated from before the time you met your wife, so as not to incite any future scandal. Maybe you should start (if you don't already) writing love letters to your wife and she to you (if she's the type).

[Emeria]

I have letters from an ex, they aren't really "love letters" per se, but they are definitely a lot of written proof of feelings, times past, et cetera.
We were so very in love, he was my first love, and I look back on it with both fondness and some sadness, with which I've mostly come to terms. We had a lot of good times together, travelled, shared lots of things.

About 4 or 5 years ago I sealed everything in an envelope and wrote the date on it, intending to toss it after 2 years if I had not wanted to look at it in the interim (this was when I was trying to get over him - it took a looooong time, and running into an intimate, funny, sweet, or otherwise letter by accident when looking for something else was painful).

I've never been able to bring myself to throw it out. It's still sitting on my shelf (tucked away), and I think that some time I'm going to take it down and go for a trip down memory lane. It's nice to know it's still there, but it's not out on display or anything.

FTR, I'm in love with someone else now, and he and I are very serious - moving in together in June :D. He knows I still have some mementos around, though I don't think I ever told him about this particular envelope [not hiding anything, just literally forgot about it! Guess I got over him after all].

[Autumn Almanac]

If your wife tells you point-blank that you keeping the letters makes her uncomfortable and she wants you to get rid of them, then you probably should oblige her. Aside from that, I don't see any harm in holding on to them-- like you said, they remind you of a happy time in your life. Just keep it to yourself, and put it in a discreet place. The less your wife has to hear and/or think about it, the happier she'll be. :)

[Beaucarnea]

Can you scan them and store them online? Not as sentimental as the actual paper they are written on, but they would be out of your marital home and you would still be able to refer to them from time to time. Hotmail offers 1024 meg storage on free accounts-

[Edward The Head]

If nothing else, I think it would be of historical interest to see how the sort of language people use for "wooing" purposes has evolved over time, and the different social standards about relationships compared to the past.
Personally, I think it's a cool idea to pass along some love letters to a museum. :)

This is something I haven't thought of before.

If I can get a good reason for donating letters like that then I have some from my father to my mother. I have zero use for them and almost threw them away. If they can be used then I might just ask my father if it's ok with him to donate them.

[Santo Rugger]

When I was moving out of my parent's house to college, one of the last things I loaded into my pickup was my "Love Letter Box", that had notes, letters, cards, pictures, ect. About an hour and fifty five minutes into the two hour trip, I looked up to see my box explode into the wind, leaving a plume of paper in my wake. I let my foot off the gas and gasped in surprise. Then I shruged my shoulders and had an instantaneous realization that my past was now (literally and figuratively) behind me. That took care of that problem :)

[awldune]

To me it seems wrong to throw them away. I sealed mine in a manila envelope and put it on my bookshelf. I love old photos and letters and am sure it would be a great find for someone in an antiques shop in 2070.

[Lissa]

I understand wanting some letters, but why love letters? Almost all of the ones I have ever gotten say nothing about what was going on at the time, they are almost all personal. Can you tell me what they would be used for? As I said, I do understand most letters, but some I don't see holding any useful info to anyone but the people involved.

lavenderviolet gave a great answer. You never know what sort of little tidbits within the letter will be of value to historians: cultural references, details of daily life, current expressions . . . there are all sorts of things they might find interesting.

Likely what will actually happen to the letters is that when they come into the museum, they will be cataloged and stored in their archives. It's highly unlikely that there would be any sort of electronic storage where they would be searchable to the public, or published online or anything like that, so you don't really need to worry about privacy or embarassment as far as that's concerned. You can always ask them if it really bugs you. If you get someone nosy (like me) doing the accessioning, your letters will be read by them, but likely, other than that, no one else will read them until someday when some researcher is looking for letters from that time period.

You may want to include a short note with a bit of biographical data and mention when your relationship ended, just to give context for anyone reading them in the future.

[olmrfu]

At one point I realized that they only brought out negative feelings. Regret, confusion, embarassment. One I put that fact into words, it was easy to toss them.

[rivit]

At one point I realized that they only brought out negative feelings. Regret, confusion, embarassment. One I put that fact into words, it was easy to toss them.

Ahh, but see for me, they bring out good feelings: Love, friendship and nostalgia. I think I'll probably end up putting them in a box and sealing them up. It will put them out of sight, but they'll still be there for the future.

And if the wife finds out, I'll just explain why they're important to me.

(and hope that she doesn't hit me too hard ;) )

[Rigamarole]

Sorry to all the folks who have replied to this thread, but the correct answer was, "sell them on eBay". Yes, "sell them on eBay" was the correct answer. But thanks for playing!

[rivit]

Sorry to all the folks who have replied to this thread, but the correct answer was, "sell them on eBay". Yes, "sell them on eBay" was the correct answer. But thanks for playing!


D'oh!!

[neorxnawange]

Grow up and throw them away, she doesen't love you anymore. And the idea that a museum would be interested in your love letters is rediculous.

[hajario]

And the idea that a museum would be interested in your love letters is rediculous.

Lissa, who made that suggestion, works at a museum so she would be in a position to know.

[Sage Rat]

Nor is there an 'e' in ridiculous.

[Jophiel]

I still have a box of old love letters, friendly-but-not-love letters, birthday cards and other correspondence. It has nothing to do with mooning over them or unrequited feelings for the authors but rather I feel they're part of my history and what's made me who I am and so I hang on to them. It's sort of like having a journal but in reverse since many reference points and eras in my life. They're in an old shoebox so they don't take up much closet real estate.

Assuming I never get rid of them, someday they can belong to the grandkids and they can decide to toss them or keep them. Hopefully they'll at least find them interesting once before they throw them away.

[Barrington]

The succinct question is: what is the protocol for dealing with love letters from someone, when you are no longer in that relationship?Why not just ask your wife how she feels about them? It sounds like the only reason to dispose of them is for her.

[kittenblue]

I've kept all my letters from my ex. I don't read them, but they are there, with all the photos. They are part of my history and when I'm 90 I will enjoy reading them again and remembering. I also have all the letters from my girlfriends, and one dear friend that I was madly in love with before I met my ex. I would never dream of throwing them away, and he never asked me to. Tie them up with a ribbon and seal them in a box, but don't dispose of your personal history....you have a long life ahead, and you never know how things will change.

Of course, the proper thing to do with love letters is to return them to the sender so they can dispose of them as they wish.....by the way, where IS Eve these days?

[Trunk]

Throw them away. You won't miss them.

The last thing anyone from the future is going to need is MORE record keeping from this era.

[BMalion]

Or give them to Trunk.










:D

[Drunky Smurf]

When I was married my then wife and I talked about the subject of letters and pictures and we both felt the same way. We both felt those items were a part of our past and history so we agreed to keep them in a box in the closet.

I am glad I saved them because a couple of years later we got divorced and now I have some of those pictures from the box hanging in my hallway.

[Blaster Master]

I tend to agree with the sentiment of the larger portion of the respondents. A few months back the gf and I had an argument when she came across some old letters in one of my drawers (happened to be the drawer when I had all that kind of stuff) and she was immediately bothered. Obviously, she was bothered because she thought I was holding onto them because I still have feelings for them. I associate no regrets, remorse, or such with these old letters and pictures and such; instead, I look at them fondly as the places I've been and how far I've come. Like others have said, I think these items are a far better insite into who I was then, which very well may be enlightening to my future children and grandchildren. To me, asking me to through those away would be like asking someone to through out his old childhood blanket or favorite stuffed animal; we may not need that security anymore, but that doesn't make it worthless.

[Giraffe]

I'd keep them. They're a part of your past and obviously still hold meaning for you. You may really value having them decades down the road, simply for the memories they invoke. I see no reason to throw them away.

[Rhiannon8404]

I agree to keep them. Seal them in a manilla envelope (already suggested) or a shoe box and tape it shut. Put it in a closet or someplace. That's what I did. My husband knows I love him more than anyone else, but he knows I had a past.

[MoodIndigo1]

Ahh, but see for me, they bring out good feelings: Love, friendship and nostalgia. I think I'll probably end up putting them in a box and sealing them up. It will put them out of sight, but they'll still be there for the future.

And if the wife finds out, I'll just explain why they're important to me.

(and hope that she doesn't hit me too hard ;) )

I found my husband's love letters from his ex-- about a month after we were married. Reading her description of their relationship... I was about to quote some passages, and 16 years later, I still remember them exactly. That was very painful.

I cried, I ranted, I raged, and burnt the letters. Then I went through his boxes of pictures and burnt all the pictures of them together.

By the time he got home, I felt embarrassed at how I had reacted, yet I was still furious at him. He couldn't figure out what had got me in such a terrible mood. I didn't mention anything.

A few weeks later, in the middle of dinner, through clenched teeth, I said to him: "You know, your love letters from X?"
"Oh, do I still have those?"
-"Not anymore. I burnt them."
-"That's fine."
-"I burnt all the pictures I could find of you both."
-"Fine with me, dear." He went back to reading his paper.

I had been going from shame to anger for about 2-3 weeks, and it was no big deal for him.

Do you know, when I think of those letters, I still feel unsettled, I still wonder if I was just second best for him.

[Roboto]

I trash all mine. I don't enjoy reading them, because instead of reminding me of how fun the relationship was, it reminds me of the pain of the breakup.

[Roboto]

I found my husband's love letters from his ex-- about a month after we were married. Reading her description of their relationship... I was about to quote some passages, and 16 years later, I still remember them exactly. That was very painful.

I cried, I ranted, I raged, and burnt the letters. Then I went through his boxes of pictures and burnt all the pictures of them together.

By the time he got home, I felt embarrassed at how I had reacted, yet I was still furious at him. He couldn't figure out what had got me in such a terrible mood. I didn't mention anything.

A few weeks later, in the middle of dinner, through clenched teeth, I said to him: "You know, your love letters from X?"
"Oh, do I still have those?"
-"Not anymore. I burnt them."
-"That's fine."
-"I burnt all the pictures I could find of you both."
-"Fine with me, dear." He went back to reading his paper.

I had been going from shame to anger for about 2-3 weeks, and it was no big deal for him.

Do you know, when I think of those letters, I still feel unsettled, I still wonder if I was just second best for him.

Whoa . . . you burned them?

I would be alarmed if I was your husband. Didn't you have a boyfriend before your husband?

[Full Metal Lotus]

Kepp them.

You are with the person you love, and that person loves who you are. Those letters are mementoes of the path you took on becoming that person, just like an old team sport shirt or those silly earmuffs (or what ever).

If your SO is seriously bothered by them, it is "let's have a talk " time. You obviouslky are not obscessing or overlyt involed with the "old flame", and that person sounds like a genuine friend.

One point, based on an earlier thread, about donating them to a historical/archivial society. Get permission from the sender first. Sounds like some pretty personal stuff was contained in them, and not only is it respectful, but it also has legal implications if you do not.

Best regards,

FML

[j2010]

I've kept all my letters from my ex. I don't read them, but they are there, with all the photos. They are part of my history and when I'm 90 I will enjoy reading them again and remembering. I also have all the letters from my girlfriends, and one dear friend that I was madly in love with before I met my ex. I would never dream of throwing them away, and he never asked me to. Tie them up with a ribbon and seal them in a box, but don't dispose of your personal history....you have a long life ahead, and you never know how things will change.

Of course, the proper thing to do with love letters is to return them to the sender so they can dispose of them as they wish.....by the way, where IS Eve these days?

I recently read your reply of on the above captioned subject of April, 2000, and was very interested in your last comment " "the proper thing to do with love letters is to return them to the sender so that they can dispose of them as they wish". I'm a senior citizen, and have kept letters and mementos from my college sweetheart that I was pinned to and wanted to marry. However, she married while I was in service, and that kind of mess my life up for awhile, but although being very happily married for many years I still think about her often. Several years ago I found these items in an old box with other college mementos, and I feel compelled to have these items returned to her when I leave this old world. My wife is aware of my better qualities today and I have always told her that is because of the many shortcomings I had when I was back in college, and the lessons I learned during my experience with this fine gal in college. I made several mistakes at the time, didn't handle the entire matter very well in '61. I learned more in the last six months of my college relationship that I have my entire life. I have told my old sweetheart that she was a very positive influence on my personal and business success in life. I've only seen her twice in the last 47 years, but she has always been polite and cordial since our college days. I just would like to have your thoughts on my returning the items to her when the time comes, and I was just wondering what a classy lady would think in receiving such a package at this stage of our life. I would like to thank you in advance for your time and effort on commenting on my questions and giving me your thoughts on the entire matter.
Good health and happiness to you,

[Autolycus]

Are these letters from a zombie?

[AClockworkMelon]

Whenever I find notes/messages/letters from an old gf it just reminds me how much I hate that old gf. YMMV.

[lezlers]

I found my husband's love letters from his ex-- about a month after we were married. Reading her description of their relationship... I was about to quote some passages, and 16 years later, I still remember them exactly. That was very painful.

I cried, I ranted, I raged, and burnt the letters. Then I went through his boxes of pictures and burnt all the pictures of them together.

By the time he got home, I felt embarrassed at how I had reacted, yet I was still furious at him. He couldn't figure out what had got me in such a terrible mood. I didn't mention anything.

A few weeks later, in the middle of dinner, through clenched teeth, I said to him: "You know, your love letters from X?"
"Oh, do I still have those?"
-"Not anymore. I burnt them."
-"That's fine."
-"I burnt all the pictures I could find of you both."
-"Fine with me, dear." He went back to reading his paper.

I had been going from shame to anger for about 2-3 weeks, and it was no big deal for him.

Do you know, when I think of those letters, I still feel unsettled, I still wonder if I was just second best for him.

Seriously? Do you regret burning them now? That's a pretty horrific thing to do and that's coming from someone in the "you don't need any continued contact with your ex" camp. If I were your spouse I'd be beyond livid.

I vote for keep them. I still have photos and love letters from exes. They're a part of my past and have nothing whatsoever to do with my current relationship. I'll also keep stuff from this relationship if it ever ends. Memories are priceless, I would never callously toss them out with the trash. If your wife is uncomforatable with you keeping them, put them in a box and keep them somewhere outside of the house. Tossing them would be a shame, though.

[DChord568]

I cast my vote with the "they're part of your history" crowd.

Regardless of your relationship with your current spouse, all that happened to you in your life up to the time you married doesn't just simply vanish on your wedding day. All experiences, both good and bad, had an effect on making you who you are.

I agree that there's something wrong if you're getting old love letters out frequently and mooning over them. But if they're tucked away and visited on rare occasions with the intent of connecting with your old self, I don't see a problem with it.


A semi-related story from personal experience...I had a girlfriend in college who wrote poetry. My first wife and I had been married for a few years when I found a batch of the old girlfriend's poems tucked away in the attic. I hadn't looked at them once in the intervening years.

What astonished me was how GOOD they were. It had nothing to do with them being written to me...they were just plain good as pieces of poetry.

I didn't throw them out at the time, but eventually a few years later, I did...and I very much regret this now. In this case, it wasn't just a matter of destroying my past...I destroyed a part of hers too that can never be retrieved (barring the unlikely event that she kept copies of them herself).

In the internet age, the chances are pretty good that you can locate someone from your past. If I had kept those poems, I would return them to my old girlfriend now (perhaps I would read a couple of them one last time). It just seems like the right thing to do.

[squeegee]

I concur with the "burn them" contingent. You really don't want your SO getting the wrong idea, MoodIndigo1's post being exhibit A. You don't need the letters to cherish your memory of your past love; you'll still have those fond memories when those pieces of paper are gone.

[Omar Little]

And if the wife finds out, I'll just explain why they're important to me.

(and hope that she doesn't hit me too hard ;) )

Dude, you're asking the wrong person the question in your OP. The fact that you haven't told your wife about these letters and intend to hide them from her, send huge red flags up.

Not that you have some continuing emotional relationship going on with your ex...but that you're not open enough with your wife that you feel that you need to hide them.

Do yourself a favor, and tell your wife that you came across these old letters and that you wanted her to know that your saving them for the timebeing, and hope that it doesn't make her uncomfortable and reassure her as to why you are keeping them.


Also LOL at all the people that see some historical value of saving letters that were written 11 years ago.

[AClockworkMelon]

Also LOL at all the people that see some historical value of saving letters that were written 11 years ago.They have huge historical significance...

... they were among the last letters ever written. I don't think letters even exist anymore.

[Omar Little]

I found my husband's love letters from his ex-- about a month after we were married. Reading her description of their relationship... I was about to quote some passages, and 16 years later, I still remember them exactly. That was very painful.

I cried, I ranted, I raged, and burnt the letters. Then I went through his boxes of pictures and burnt all the pictures of them together.

By the time he got home, I felt embarrassed at how I had reacted, yet I was still furious at him. He couldn't figure out what had got me in such a terrible mood. I didn't mention anything.

A few weeks later, in the middle of dinner, through clenched teeth, I said to him: "You know, your love letters from X?"
"Oh, do I still have those?"
-"Not anymore. I burnt them."
-"That's fine."
-"I burnt all the pictures I could find of you both."
-"Fine with me, dear." He went back to reading his paper.

I had been going from shame to anger for about 2-3 weeks, and it was no big deal for him.

Do you know, when I think of those letters, I still feel unsettled, I still wonder if I was just second best for him.


Have you been to counseling over these emotional issues? It is not unreasonable that people have past relationships that don't work out. And that in the midst of those relationships that everything is the best it ever could be. I hope that you have come to terms with your husbands past relationships. It sounds like he has.

[Czarcasm]

Closing zombie thread.