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John DiFool
04-14-2007, 12:54 PM
Inspired by a Far Side panel: "...and you're sitting in it right now."

OtakuLoki
04-14-2007, 01:27 PM
Any reference to one's personal colostomy bag.

BMalion
04-14-2007, 01:33 PM
Complaining about the poor quality of your photograph on the Sexual Offender's Website.

Tuckerfan
04-14-2007, 01:40 PM
A buddy of mine and I were at dinner one night and the waitress (who was kind of cute) kept coming over to our table to talk to us. It was just idle chit chat, but it definately seemed to me that she was fishing for something besides a good tip, if you know what I mean. *nudge, nudge* *wink, wink*

At one point she asks us if the place we were at was a steak, what kind of steak would it be. This, was actually a very bad question to ask, since my friend at the time, had given up eating meat because he was convinced that the government was putting mind control substances in it (no shit). In hopes of shutting him down before he went on one of his tirades about how meat was bad for you, I said, "He doesn't eat meat. He's a wiennie."

My friend, instead of taking the hint, immediately pipes up with, "We've got a friend who eats wiennies!" just like some three year old kid proudly announcing he's made a poo or something. The waitress's jaw hit the floor, and I nearly buried my face in my dinner from embarassment. She excused herself and we hardly saw her the rest of the time we were there.

I tried to explain to my friend what it was that he'd done wrong, but he couldn't grasp it at all. Funny thing is, he thinks that I'm the one who says inappropriate comments constantly. :rolleyes:

Annie-Xmas
04-14-2007, 02:17 PM
And then.....penis ensued.

Boyo Jim
04-14-2007, 04:28 PM
"Excuse me, I just dropped a load in my shorts."

"I miss my childhood, especially mom and dad fucking me to sleep."

"The government will have to pry my vibrating cock rings off of my cold dead cock."

Gr8Kat
04-14-2007, 04:45 PM
"I literally have hornets swarming in my brain."

Actually, I've had a few conversations stopped when the person I'm conversing with suddenly announces that whatever we're talking about is evil, of the devil, against their religious beliefs, etc. It's like a dash of cold water, and I never know what to say in response.

Operation Ripper
04-14-2007, 06:15 PM
"... and then I killed her."

Scissorjack
04-14-2007, 06:24 PM
"That was my mother's name."

Hypno-Toad
04-14-2007, 06:30 PM
I had a friend who announced to all the other people sitting around the table, "Yeah, well I've chosen a life of celibacy."

This was at my sisters wedding.

Johnny L.A.
04-14-2007, 06:31 PM
I had a friend who announced to all the other people sitting around the table, "Yeah, well I've chosen a life of celibacy."

This was at my sisters wedding.
Was it the groom?

Aioua
04-14-2007, 06:34 PM
"... and that's how I got syphilis in both my eyes."

Hypno-Toad
04-14-2007, 06:55 PM
Was it the groom?
No such luck. My poor friend was at a table of people he'd never met. I had to sit up by the best man, so the one person he knew was far away.

Yumblie
04-14-2007, 07:04 PM
The other day a friend piped in with "One thing I had never tried before moving here was heroin." and was met with at least 10 seconds of stunned silence. He was kidding of course (or backpedaling) but it was one of the longest conversation pauses I've ever experienced.

Johnny L.A.
04-14-2007, 07:07 PM
'Oh, come on! As if I'm the only one at this table who has eaten human flesh! :rolleyes: '

Guinastasia
04-14-2007, 07:37 PM
"Daddy's penis tastes funny."

Der Trihs
04-14-2007, 07:41 PM
"Well, at least that's what the voices tell me."

Stand up, let out a scream as long and loud as you can, then sit down again, panting and glaring with fists clenched and trembling.

"Like Mom always said, Incest is Best ! That's my motto !"

bundykala
04-14-2007, 07:45 PM
A friend of mine likes to wait for people to start talking and then stuff her fist in her mouth to see what kind of reaction they have. She says it usually shuts people up immediately. Didn't work when she tried it on me though, I just kept talking at her.

Cyberhwk
04-14-2007, 09:29 PM
OK...I got one that really happened...

Couple of guys sitting around a Blackjack table. One guy was black, the other was a young kid who was very drunk.

Drunk White Kid: Yeah, but black people are great at dice. I ain't NEVER going to bet against a black man at a game of dice. I hope you don't think I'm being a racist, I'm not. I would just never bet against a black man playing dice.
Black Guy (to his credit, plays it very cool): No man. I think an adult man should be able to say what's on his mind.

White Redneck Lady: I WISH I WAS BLACK!!!!!

Whole Table: :::Crickets:::

Tuckerfan
04-15-2007, 01:44 AM
One thing that an ex-gf of mind did, which had everyone at the party staring at her in horror, even though there was nothing really wrong with what she did. We're all sitting around talking, when she casually pulls out a crispt one dollar bill, she then folds the dollar bill lengthwise evenly until it's about 1/2 an wide. Next, she did what had all of us gaping in horror. She picked up a pair of scissors and proceeded to turn the dollar bill into those connected paper dolls. :eek:

Operation Ripper
04-15-2007, 03:07 AM
Next, she did what had all of us gaping in horror.


Over a $1 bill?

wolf_meister
04-15-2007, 03:27 AM
Drunk White Kid: Yeah, but black people are great at dice. I ain't NEVER going to bet against a black man at a game of dice. I hope you don't think I'm being a racist, I'm not. I would just never bet against a black man playing dice.
And that Drunk White Kid grew up to be Don Imus.

Monty
04-15-2007, 03:37 AM
Here's yet another one that really happened (at least according to my piano teacher years ago). Piano Teacher (PT) and his best friend (HBF) were in the big book store in Carmel Valley's Barnyard, standing in line at the restaurant inside the bookstore. The folks running the place liked to have some kind of cute take on the daily special. One Saturday, the main dish was listed as "Roast Beast." My piano teacher was in line behind his friend and in front of the friend was some woman (SW) neither PT or HBF knew. SW turned around and just started prattling on and on about how the menu said "roast beast" but it was really "roast beef." When SW stopped for a breath, HBF said a little loudly, "My mother told me to never speak with strange people."

Rigamarole
04-15-2007, 04:15 AM
Over a $1 bill?

I can see it. I'd be pretty horrified if somebody suddenly destroyed some currency in front of me for no apparent reason other than to amuse themselves, even if it's a dollar.

DellieM
04-15-2007, 08:42 AM
I can see it. I'd be pretty horrified if somebody suddenly destroyed some currency in front of me for no apparent reason other than to amuse themselves, even if it's a dollar.
I can outdo you. A friend was staying with me and we ended up having dinner with his cousin who my SO had never met. Halfway through the night my SO announces he's going outside for a cigarette. My friend's cousin says "those things will kill you" and my SO retorts "so will a Mack truck but don't see them plastered with warning stickers". She says "I know about trucks". I have then to inform off-the-cuff SO that said friend's cousin's husband drove into one to kill himself. Absolute conversation stopper!

LucyInDisguise
04-15-2007, 11:36 AM
<snip> ... She says "I know about trucks". I have then to inform off-the-cuff SO that said friend's cousin's husband drove into one to kill himself.



Shudders/CoversHeadWithTowel/Winces/ShuddersAgain

(2nd greatest fear = suicide by truck)



Absolute conversation stopper!

You can say that again ...



Then again - maybe not ...

Lucy

OtakuLoki
04-15-2007, 11:48 AM
Shudders/CoversHeadWithTowel/Winces/ShuddersAgain

(2nd greatest fear = suicide by truck)



hijack mode on -

Do you know many drivers who've had that experience?

Rigamarole
04-15-2007, 12:06 PM
hijack mode on -

Do you know many drivers who've had that experience?

And while you're at it, what's the 1st greatest fear?

Beware of Doug
04-15-2007, 12:12 PM
"Hey, anybody like swing music?"

Rodd Hill
04-15-2007, 02:52 PM
"Does this look infected to you?"

Lizard
04-15-2007, 06:03 PM
"This is the kind of place where you could have sex on the bar."
- said by a very hot woman sitting alone at a table with three guys, one of them myself. She might've just been saying what we were thinking, anyway. She was a bit of a tease.

I few years before this I was out on a date to see a movie. While the previews were playing a youngish woman was talking VERY LOUDLY down in front, loud enough to be heard throughout the theater. After the previews the theater flashed a notice on the screen: "Silence is Golden." It faded away and the opening credits began, with her still talking. All of a sudden, from the top row, came:
"Silence is golden, bitch!"
Ya know what? It really IS! :D

"I was sexually abused by my cousin."
- My ex roommate. After I'd known him two months.

Rilchiam
04-15-2007, 06:57 PM
Boss, who is black, once referred to himself as HNIC on a project. Young white guy didn't know what HNIC means. Boss helpfully informed him that it meant Head Negro In Charge. Uncomfortable silence.

Full Metal Lotus
04-15-2007, 08:06 PM
Used to know a blind guy, and when a group conversations got around to dental/medical horror stories, he would wait for a pause and solomnly ask:

"Has anyone else here ever woken up from eye surgury?"


He was fun like that...

FML

RealityChuck
04-15-2007, 08:18 PM
I've mentioned this before, but what the heck.

They were talking about replacing the college IT department with an independent firm that handles such things. The IT people would be hired by them instead of the college. There was a lot of concern about where that would leave us, and how it would affect benefits.

The independent firm brought in an HR rep to explain things if we were working for them. The benefits were a big step down -- less vacation, a terrible health care plan (the nearest doctor on the system was two hours away), worse retirement plan, no mention of our tuition benefits (which is why many of us worked there). We were listening, not very impressed.

I figured, well, maybe there will be an upside. So I asked, "How will this affect our salaries?"

The HR person said, "Everyone will get a 50% cut."

Silence. Dead silence. Dead hostile silence. The fury was as palpable as a brick wall.

"No," she said. "I'm only joking. Your salaries remain the same."

Yeah, right. Good time for a nice little joke like that.

The plan was eventually dropped.

Ferret Herder
04-15-2007, 10:24 PM
"... and that's how I got syphilis in both my eyes."
That's actually possible, and can cause vision damage depending on the infection.

I was going to label that as a hijack, but it might well work as a conversation stopper too.

Used to know a blind guy, and when a group conversations got around to dental/medical horror stories, he would wait for a pause and solomnly ask:

"Has anyone else here ever woken up from eye surgury?"
Where I work, we had a legally-blind patient, cane and all, who was involved in one of our research studies. (A pretty-much incurable eye problem did it, not the study; the problem is why he was in the study.) The Lasik specialist asked us, privately, if we could seat him in another of our waiting rooms, and not the one by all the waiting-for-Lasik people who might assume that he was one of the failures - whoops! :eek: We hadn't even thought about what impression he might make.

KarlGauss
04-15-2007, 10:54 PM
"Would you believe that both me and my dog have had the shits for the last two days?"

Rilchiam
04-15-2007, 10:55 PM
"Last night, I dreamed I got butt-fucked by Muhammad Ali!"

Vision of Love
04-16-2007, 03:02 AM
I think a simple slap in the face would work just fine.

Nava
04-16-2007, 03:38 AM
Mom and Lilbro recently came to visit. At one point, Lilbro and myself were having a conversation that was Greek to Mom. She cut in with "you know, Nava, I really think you've gained at least ten pounds. You really should watch what you eat!"

It worked all right, we stopped the conversation while my brother picked his jaw from the floor and I stuck my hands in my pockets to refrain from throttling Mom. And ftr, I have NOT gained an ounce since the previous time she'd seen me!

mamboman
04-16-2007, 03:47 AM
A few weeks back I was at a seminar and we all took a break for lunch. Seven strangers at a table, so I decide to be the good guy and get a conversation going, which pretty soon devolves into a very interesting conversation about population growth and development trends in our particular fast growing part of the country. Very pleasant, a lot of back and forth, everyone involved to some extent and the kind of exchange where you really get a glimpse of people's personalities. Great right? Just how every lunch should be, right?

Until one of our number pipes up with "Of course, the problem with this population growth in Queensland is it the wrong kind of people who are breeding"

The sound of cutlery clanking against fine china then followed.

mm

OtakuLoki
04-16-2007, 04:39 AM
Well, I did manage, once, to stop an entire orthodontist's office from talking for the rest of my visit. There were about three or four techs working on patients, and they were talking about Levi (http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showpost.php?p=8456877&postcount=18), my father's former grad school roommate, our family dentist, and part owner of the building that the orthodontists' office was in. I was about thirteen, or fourteen at the time, and I'd always enjoyed a good Levi story, so I was listening most intently.

The tech working on the guy next to me noticed that I seemed especially alert, and so asked me why was I paying attention? Did I know Dr. Rubenstein?

"Sure, he's my dentist. My father roomed with him at grad school."


Silence reigned, and tools were stuck back into my mouth before I could try to explain that my whole family would love a couple new Levi stories. :mad:

Harmonious Discord
04-16-2007, 08:01 AM
I was sittting in the break room at night, during a shift I'm normaly gone for. My brother's exgirlfriend that married the shift production supervisor, is in the room. She brings him dinner befor bfore heading home to sleep. She proceds to enlighten us, "Your brother popped my cherry." I really didn't know what to say to that, and it happens to be said in front of the new husband. I guess both of them didn't have a problem discussing it though, because I was the only one that gave pause. She gave about two more sentences of details, that I never wanted to know, ever!

Martha Medea
04-16-2007, 08:02 AM
Person making conversation at party: So, are you two together?

My tactless friend, who just happened to be standing next to a dorky looking but perfectly nice co-worker: Hell no!

Tuckerfan
04-16-2007, 08:11 AM
I was sittting in the break room at night, during a shift I'm normaly gone for. My brother's exgirlfriend that married the shift production supervisor, is in the room. She brings him dinner befor bfore heading home to sleep. She proceds to enlighten us, "Your brother popped my cherry." I really didn't know what to say to that, and it happens to be said in front of the new husband. I guess both of them didn't have a problem discussing it though, because I was the only one that gave pause. She gave about two more sentences of details, that I never wanted to know, ever!
The correct response would have been, "Mine too!" ;)

LucyInDisguise
04-16-2007, 06:50 PM
Do you know many drivers who've had that experience?

Fortunately, not "many" - Unfortunately I do know two ... both totally devastated (and now former Drivers ...)

And while you're at it, what's the 1st greatest fear?

Being put into a position by the actions of some idiot where I must make the choice between killing the poor dumb schmuck with my truck or putting my rig in the ditch and taking myself out ... (hint*)

Lucy

*Lucy's Law: No one, not even an idiot, dies under the wheels of my rig!

Larry Mudd
04-16-2007, 07:03 PM
The first time I met my girlfriend's mother, I was searching for something to say, and for some reason commented that in many ways she reminded me of my favourite sister.

She looked a little confused, and maybe not sure she understood correctly. (She doesn't speak English very frequently.)

My GF didn't miss a beat, and totally dead-panned: "Tu ne savez pas? Larry couche avec sa soeur." ("Don't you know? Larry has sex with his sister.")

I will never forget the look on her face.

I thought I would die.

cbawlmer
04-17-2007, 11:30 AM
My husband's friend used to keep a mental list of bizarre sentences to say loudly to his companions when exiting an elevator, entering a room, or otherwise walking into a group of unsuspecting people. A couple of his classics were, "...and that's why Cousin Balki was called a (emphatic airquotes) 'Perfect Stranger!'" and "...so that's how the rape victim learned the true meaning of Christmas."

Malacandra
04-17-2007, 01:55 PM
Fortunately, not "many" - Unfortunately I do know two ... both totally devastated (and now former Drivers ...)



Being put into a position by the actions of some idiot where I must make the choice between killing the poor dumb schmuck with my truck or putting my rig in the ditch and taking myself out ... (hint*)

Lucy

*Lucy's Law: No one, not even an idiot, dies under the wheels of my rig!

Wasn't it you that had that Pit thread that turned into several pages of total kick-ass about a rig driver's life? High on the list for Best. Thread. Evah! :cool:

ShelliBean
04-17-2007, 02:07 PM
I have two.
Once, when my current husband and I had begun very casually dating but were still tied up with paperwork of getting divorced from our (now) former spouses*
Guy: Are you guys married?
Us (at the same time): Not to each other.
*it was not an affair. all parties knew what was going in and it was all on the up and up. it was more a paperwork foot-dragging thing. and I obviously still feel guilty about it if I have to explain myself!

Second, more recently:
Why weren't you at work yesterday?
I avoid the issue. Coworker presses.
Finally, I say: "Well, I had to get an HIV test and a counselor because I just found out my husband got some girl pregnant."
Silence.

lieu
04-17-2007, 02:26 PM
"... so now I just have two testicles."

guppy
04-17-2007, 02:35 PM
I was at my girlfriend's (at that time) family's house for some holiday that I cannot remember when her weirdo redneck cousin said in a way that was audible to everyone in the house, "I breast fed my baby until he was five" to no one in particular. She was not engaged in a conversation with anyone and just blurted it out of the blue. Everyone, and I mean everyone, stopped the conversations they were involved in and stared.

Sunrazor
04-17-2007, 02:54 PM
The fellow who was best man at my wedding was a true rake when we were in high school and college together. His favorite trick (which he pulled at our wedding reception, to my bride's horror) was to tell of a seduction he'd allegedly committed, and end the tale with, "But that one got me into some serious trouble." He'd pause a beat, making sure everyone was eagerly anticipating the reason for the trouble, then finish with, "In my own defense, any one of you would have thought she was 18, too!" He would then bask in the stunned silence. The man is just twisted.

LucyInDisguise
04-18-2007, 07:32 PM
Wasn't it you that had that Pit thread that turned into several pages of total kick-ass about a rig driver's life? High on the list for Best. Thread. Evah! :cool:

::blushes::

Why, yes, I did (http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=360482). How kind of you to remember - especially since it's been a zombie for quite some time now ...

And thank you so much for the complement.

Lucy

[end hijack]

Mouse_Maven
04-18-2007, 08:05 PM
My best friend dated my brother and they had a child together - DeNephew. They broke up but everyone remained friendly.

One day I was visiting bf when Brother came by to drop off their kid.
DeNephew accounced that they had just seen Scooby-Doo 2. Us grown-ups started talking, not paying attention to the little one. After a few minutes, DeNephew shouted "Velma kicked the Black Night in the balls and his head came off!"

We couldn't talk for awhile, everyone was laughing. :D

Don't fight the hypothetical
04-18-2007, 09:31 PM
I was at a party where I knew no one. Worse, there were a lot pretentious people there and was stuck talking to them. When I couldn't take it anymore I said the first non-sensical thing that came into my head:

"And don't get me started about those fucking Greeks..."*

Total uncomfortable silence, then disbursement. The beauty is that they didn't know if I was crazy or 'in the know'. I have an obnoxious friend who now uses that line a lot.

It meant nothing. No offense to any actual Greeks

Projammer
04-18-2007, 10:09 PM
Having lunch with two women I worked with. Done with lunch and the waitress comes by to ask if we want dessert.

me: Just being me a can of whipped cream and clear the room.
Everyone: silence