Wedding gift etiquette

[NinjaChick]

If not actually attending a wedding one was invited to, it's still acceptable to get them a gift, right?

A good friend of mine is getting married next month. I can't afford the time off work and the $500 to fly up to Canada for the wedding. There are, however, plenty of smaller things on their gift registry I can afford. This is the first wedding I've been invited to*. I'm assuming it's perfectly acceptable to get them a gift, but I just want to make sure.

*Excluding family weddings I attended as a child, of course. And oh god it's so freaky that people my age are getting married; when did I become an adult?

[BoBettie]

Yes, for sure. Sending a gift would be very thoughtful.

[ZipperJJ]

Yes. In fact, most online registries I've seen (Target, Pottery Barn, etc) offer you the option of sending directly to the registrant's address, all gift wrapped and with a card. It's nice because they have the registrant's address (in case you don't know it, or they want it shipped to like, their mother's house) already. As a bonus to the registrant, they don't actually share the address with whomever is browsing the registry, lest crazies start stalking them.

[gigi]

Absolutely. The traditional rule is you have a year from the date of the wedding to send a gift. And it's actually easier for the couple to receive gifts not on the day of/at the ceremony, although bringing it then is acceptable too.

[NinjaChick]

Excellent - that's what I was hoping (and assuming) to be true. Thanks.

[Baracus]

Not only is it acceptable but some especially crass people send out invitations to people they know won't be able to attend in the expectation that they will send a gift anyway. Or so the legend goes at least.

[Otto]

And it's actually easier for the couple to receive gifts not on the day of/at the ceremony, although bringing it then is acceptable too.
It is absolutely not acceptable to bring wedding gifts to the wedding or the reception. Everyone has enough to do on that day without worrying about keeping track of gifts and cards, dealing with people who want you to open their present right now so they can see your reaction and trying to figure out how to transport a bunch of presents after the creemony or reception.

[StuffLikeThatThere]

It is absolutely not acceptable to bring wedding gifts to the wedding or the reception. Everyone has enough to do on that day without worrying about keeping track of gifts and cards, dealing with people who want you to open their present right now so they can see your reaction and trying to figure out how to transport a bunch of presents after the creemony or reception.

It is absolutely acceptable and expected in some cultures, including some cultural pockets in the U.S. At most of the weddings I attended before I was 20 years old, there was a gift table set up at the wedding reception, and people were expected to show up at the reception, gift in hand, to place it upon the table. Usually a large basket was available as well, for cards and money. It was indeed this way at my own wedding, because all my relatives and all my husband's relatives expected it and would have been flabbergasted to find that there was no place to put their gift. My sister- and brother-in-law handled the gifts for us and kept them in their home until we returned from our wedding trip, which is a pretty typical arrangement.

I understand that Miss Manners and Dear Abby and society wedding planners expect that no gifts will appear on the day of, and that it's possibly the way it's done at almost all weddings. If you don't know for sure, it's definitely best to send the gift before the wedding. But you can't categorically state that it's unacceptable to bring a gift to a wedding. It's just not universally true.

[Sister Vigilante]

In my neck of the woods, etiquette requires that if you are invited, you get a gift, whether you attend or not.

Of course, in my neck of the woods, I've been to weddings where the bride opens the gifts at the reception.

[Otto]

It is absolutely acceptable and expected in some cultures, including some cultural pockets in the U.S. At most of the weddings I attended before I was 20 years old, there was a gift table set up at the wedding reception, and people were expected to show up at the reception, gift in hand, to place it upon the table. Usually a large basket was available as well, for cards and money. It was indeed this way at my own wedding, because all my relatives and all my husband's relatives expected it and would have been flabbergasted to find that there was no place to put their gift. My sister- and brother-in-law handled the gifts for us and kept them in their home until we returned from our wedding trip, which is a pretty typical arrangement.
Just because people do it doesn't make it right. The fact that some people are so ill-informed about wedding etiquette as to actually set up tables for gifts at their own weddings (as if gifts were mandatory or even expected or as if they were the price of admission to the reception) and others are so ignorant about proper behaviour as to tote a wedding gift to the wedding doesn't mean that it's correct or acceptable. People do tacky things at weddings all the time (cake smashed in the bride's face, anyone?); commonality of tackiness doesn't make it any less tacky.

[Otto]

In my neck of the woods, etiquette requires that if you are invited, you get a gift, whether you attend or not.
In my neck of the woods we call that "extortion." Gifts are symbolic expressions of affection and congratulations; they are never required.

[StuffLikeThatThere]

Just because people do it doesn't make it right. The fact that some people are so ill-informed about wedding etiquette as to actually set up tables for gifts at their own weddings (as if gifts were mandatory or even expected or as if they were the price of admission to the reception) and others are so ignorant about proper behaviour as to tote a wedding gift to the wedding doesn't mean that it's correct or acceptable. People do tacky things at weddings all the time (cake smashed in the bride's face, anyone?); commonality of tackiness doesn't make it any less tacky.

Yes, all the rule books agree with you, which I mentioned before.

Good manners, however, are more about respecting people than respecting rules. The rules, in general, help us to respect people. But if respecting the rules, BY GOD, means making a large portion of your guests uncomfortable? Screw the rules. Go with respecting the people every time. Sometimes that means respecting their harmless customs, however egregious an outsider may find them.

[Full Metal Lotus]

A bit of a side track/hi jack here, but it does relate to wedding gift etiquette...

When Mrs F and I give a weding gift, we generally write a note in the card saying : "We know just how busy you two are going to be setting up your new lives together, and just want you to know that a thank you card is not required.. spend that time enjoying each other, instead!"

what are your opinions on this?

Regards
FML

[OpalCat]

It is absolutely not acceptable to bring wedding gifts to the wedding or the reception.
Pardon? Virtually every wedding I've ever attended has a table set up specifically for gifts. It's totally acceptable to bring the gift to the wedding/reception. I've never seen the couple open the presents AT the wedding or anything, and I think usually the family takes them home so the bride/groom don't have to deal with them for a few days.

Edited to add: I guess in Otto's world it's more acceptable to make your guests feel like crap and feel GUILTY for bringing you a GIFT. Sorry, but people who are that uptight about "official etiquette rules" just grate on my last nerve.

[Caridwen]

Pardon? Virtually every wedding I've ever attended has a table set up specifically for gifts. It's totally acceptable to bring the gift to the wedding/reception. I've never seen the couple open the presents AT the wedding or anything, and I think usually the family takes them home so the bride/groom don't have to deal with them for a few days.

I have never seen it done but so many people here have said they have I guess it depends where you live.

I just received a bridal shower invitation and on the bottom of the invitation it says "if you can't attend, please drop off gifts/cards at "123 Main St".

I have never seen anything that rude in my life. :eek:

[OpalCat]

Wow. Yeah that's beyond tacky.

[Otto]

Edited to add: I guess in Otto's world it's more acceptable to make your guests feel like crap and feel GUILTY for bringing you a GIFT. Sorry, but people who are that uptight about "official etiquette rules" just grate on my last nerve.
Actually, in my world I would never make someone feel guilty or like crap for bringing a gift. "Official etiquette rules" also mandate that one not use etiquette as a club, but that doesn't mean one can't point out the error on a message board. Sorry, but people who make ignorant "guesses" about me and my behaviour just grate on my last nerve.

[TroubleAgain]

Can I ask my own question here? I was at a wedding today for the daughter of my friend. I haven't purchased her a gift, but I made all of her jewelry and that of the bridesmaids and flower girls. Her mom bought most of the materials, but I bought some, used some I already had, and bought all the materials for the presentation boxes. I also acted as auxiliary photographer and burned disks of all the photos I took today for both the bride and her mom. Do I still need to get her a gift, or are my time (probably 12 hours or so) and jewelry-materials enough?

[OpalCat]

I think that is definitely enough! A friend of my mom is a baker, and she made our wedding cake (it was GORGEOUS and so tasty!) and I would have felt kinda guilty if she had, on top of that, also given us a gift.

[Otto]

Do I still need to get her a gift, or are my time (probably 12 hours or so) and jewelry-materials enough?
You don't ever "need" to get anyone a wedding gift. Presents are never owed. In your case, if there were some actual obligation to give presents your work and expense in making the jewelry and taking the photographs would more than cover it. If you haven't given her the photo disc yet you could put it into a pretty and inexpensive gift box and address it to the couple.

[El Perro Fumando]

A bit of a side track/hi jack here, but it does relate to wedding gift etiquette...

When Mrs F and I give a weding gift, we generally write a note in the card saying : "We know just how busy you two are going to be setting up your new lives together, and just want you to know that a thank you card is not required.. spend that time enjoying each other, instead!"

what are your opinions on this?

Regards
FML
I personally think that, when writing all the thank you notes that come from a wedding, one less does not make a huge difference. Plus, as a gift-giver, a thank-you note tells me that the gift made it from the reception to the bride and groom. (There are horror stories of stolen cards, stolen gifts, etc.) I sent my thank-yous out as soon as we got back from our honeymoon. A cousin of my husband who got married the week before us has yet to send a thank you for their gift. They do have a year, which expires in June.

As for the OP, if you choose to send a gift, you have one year from the wedding date to send a "wedding gift", whether you attend the wedding or not.

[Queen Tonya]

I've never heard bringing cards/gifts to the reception is tacky and violates some unwritten rule. I can't imagine walking into a reception without a card in my hand, probably because I've never been to a wedding where it wasn't the norm.

To address the OP: yes, it's acceptable to get them a gift. They obviously wanted you to be there, and you'd like to go if it weren't for the time and distance involved, a gift conveys your congratulations and good wishes to the couple and is certainly appropriate.

[TroubleAgain]

Thanks, Opal and Otto. I kinda felt like it was enough, and her mother agreed, but I still felt a little uneasy about it. It's nice to have some more opinions.

[Otto]

When Mrs F and I give a weding gift, we generally write a note in the card saying : "We know just how busy you two are going to be setting up your new lives together, and just want you to know that a thank you card is not required.. spend that time enjoying each other, instead!"

what are your opinions on this?
Well of course Miss Manners would say that thank you cards are an abomination (a point with which I happen to disagree, assuming the card is very plain and simple with no pre-printed message beyond the words "Thank you" on the front and if a note is written on the card). I wouldn't include a note like that. It seems like the flip side of putting "no gifts" on an invitation.

[sugar and spice]

Well of course Miss Manners would say that thank you cards are an abomination (a point with which I happen to disagree, assuming the card is very plain and simple with no pre-printed message beyond the words "Thank you" on the front and if a note is written on the card). I wouldn't include a note like that. It seems like the flip side of putting "no gifts" on an invitation. I'd have to agree, if they want to thank you it seems like they'd have to go against your wishes. I'd probably spend more time debating whether to send the thank-you card than it would take me to actually write it.

[zweisamkeit]

Every single wedding I have ever gone to* has had a gift table set up. Everyone I know would think it bizarre if you didn't bring the gift to the wedding.

I just mentioned this to my whole family (hooray for Sunday dinners) and they all basically said, "What the hell would you do with it, then?" It's totally expected in some cultures, Otto, and therefore, not rude within that culture.


* Basically either Polish (one side of the family, or random people) or German (the other side of the family, or random people). There was one random WASP-y wedding, but even there, there was a gift table.

[Amazingrace]

From what I understand, it does go against etiquette to bring the gift to the wedding. But, as many of you have pointed out, many receptions do indeed have a gift table.

IMHO, this is one of those things like including registry information in an invitation or, to use a more "dated" example, including a response card. Etiquette dictates that one does not include registry information in an invitation as gifts are not to be expected. Instead, the invitee should call mothers or the wedding party in order to find out where the couple is registered. Likewise, one is supposed to reply on their own stationary to the invitation. Out of convenience, people will include the registry information or response card or gift table assuming that their guests won't follow convention.

[zweisamkeit]

From what I understand, it does go against etiquette to bring the gift to the wedding. But, as many of you have pointed out, many receptions do indeed have a gift table.



:: shrug ::

I think it boils down to a clash of cultures. I've heard many people here rail on and on about the tackiness of the money dance. That's a Polish wedding tradition (pani mloda). It's not considered tacky at all. So Polish wedding etiquette would say it's not tacky.

Not everyone (even people who are descendants of immigrants instead of being from the Old Country themselves) has the traditional American British-influenced wedding*.


* Although obviously some of these have melded with many more "ethnic" wedding traditions as well.

[gigi]

I wouldn't release someone from thank you note duty because that's my assurance that they got the quilt I took weeks to make them. In fact, I am still waiting to hear about two quilts I sent my friend's kids in January. :rolleyes: Either he's a jerk (sorry, I don't accept the busy parent thing after three months) or they got lost in transit.

[Full Metal Lotus]

Well, I stand corrected on the "Thank you note not required" thing. Your points, especially about how the sender can be sure the gift was actually recieved make sense.

Thank you all for your imput!
FML
PS: (Notes are in the mail)