A girl is interested in me [insert punctuation of your choice]

[Ender_Will]

I've been single for nearly a year now, which I'm not a big fan of. My job is not particularly conducive to meeting people my age, so I'm pretty friendly, dare I say flirtatious, with anybody in my age range who does come in. One of these people is a girl who I've ran into in clubs/bars a few times and have been Facebook friended by. She seems like a fairly cool person: Cracks an occaisional joke, listens to similar music, easy to talk to.

I get the distinct impression that she is interested in me as more than a friend. Last time I saw her, she was VERY touchy-feely, she texted me to let me know that she really wanted to see me out the other night, she invited me to a friends birthday party (the only non-friend of the B-Day girl, from what I could gather), in general, all sorts of signs.

This should be a good thing. However, I am not attracted to her at all. She would probably be pretty cute if she weighed, oh, 40% of what she does now. I realize that sounds shallow, but I honestly doubt that I could function sexually with her, and the physical aspect is fairly important to me in a relationship.

Is there anyway I can tactfully handle this? Obviously telling her that she's too fat isn't the nicest thing to do, but neither is ignoring her entirely. I don't want to lie and say that I'm seeing someone, so what the hell should I do?

[Leaffan]

Dear Shallow Hal,

Look within yourself, grasshopper. What kind of a person is she, and could you - do you - have a good time with her. Weight is a physical attribute that can vary over time with any relationship. I can see how that might influence your opinion of this girl initially, but believe me, as you grow in a relationship physical attributes start to take a back seat to other values.

Perhaps I'm wrong, but I think you like her however feel somewhat embarrassed that she's overweight. Don't. People gain and lose weight easily. People don't gain and lose personalities as easily. I sound like Dear Abby, but trust your own emotions and forget about the superficiality of a few pounds. In real life, there's much more to worry about.

[Indistinguishable]

This should be a good thing. However, I am not attracted to her at all. She would probably be pretty cute if she weighed, oh, 40% of what she does now. I realize that sounds shallow, but I honestly doubt that I could function sexually with her, and the physical aspect is fairly important to me in a relationship.
Whatever anyone says, this is a dealbreaker. Don't feel any moral compulsion to go out with her, or to feel bad over not wanting to go out with her; everyone has their own tastes and absolute veto power in this area. Like you said, the physical aspect is fairly important in a relationship, or at least it is for some people, and there's nothing wrong with that.

Of course, like you said, it wouldn't be very tactful to tell her "That's sweet, but I have a strict 'no fat chicks' rule". But some level of honesty seems acceptable. Tell her you like her as a friend but don't see her that way, or whatever the truth is. Yeah, groan-inducing, but what can you do? She'll probably get the hint and drop things off while not being too hurt. Or maybe it will go miserably; hard to tell, humans are a mixed bag. Still, that's what I would do.

[Rigamarole]

I seriously read the thread title twice as "A girl is inserted in me". I read it once and thought "No, that can't be right" then I read it again and thought "No, that can't be right". Only on the third time did I actually get it. My mind is hopelessly and eternally dirty.

[Captain_C]

As someone who dated the "fat chick" for a few years, let me tell you: those people who say that her inner self is more important are full of shit. This is the most shallow thing to say, but weight makes a difference. If you don't like it already, you aren't going to grow to like it. My advice is to tell her you just wanted to be friends.

[Dunderman]

Give it a try. Go on one date. It doesn't hurt anybody, and you may surprise yourself.

[bbs2k]

As someone who dated the "fat chick" for a few years, let me tell you: those people who say that her inner self is more important are full of shit. This is the most shallow thing to say, but weight makes a difference. If you don't like it already, you aren't going to grow to like it. My advice is to tell her you just wanted to be friends.Give it a try. Go on one date. It doesn't hurt anybody, and you may surprise yourself. I agree with both of these guys. About 2 years ago I went out with a girl who could be "fat". Figure I'd try it out since we had a lot in common. She was funny, smart, and cool to hang out with (great set of tits too), but I never got over the so-so physical attraction. That let to the end of the relationship, but I still look back on it fondly, she was a great girl, it just wasn't going to work out. So yah, give it a try, but if you're already kinda iffy about her weight, then that probably won't go away.

[Sitnam]

Give it a try. Go on one date. It doesn't hurt anybody, and you may surprise yourself.
Yeah, one date wont kill you. You said you've been unhappily single for a year now, just going out and having fun is an end in itself. End with no more than a hug though, or this'll drag on.

[Dunderman]

End with no more than a hug thoughNo, wait until the end and then decide what to do based on what you feel like doing then.

[Soapbox Monkey]

People gain and lose weight easily.

Edit: People can gain and lose weight if they're willing to make an effort. Many people aren't.

[Mosier]

Edit: People can gain and lose weight if they're willing to make an effort. Many people aren't.

How many people are a similar weight when they're 30 as when they graduated high school?

I've met a lot of people, and the total I'm coming up with is "zero". I know almost as many people who dropped 40 pounds as those that gained it, but you can pretty much guarantee that nobody will be in the same physical shape for their life.

edit: typo

[Soapbox Monkey]

How many people are a similar weight when they're 30 as when they graduated high school?

I've met a lot of people, and the total I'm coming up with is "zero". I know almost as many people who dropped 40 pounds as those that gained it, but you can pretty much guarantee that nobody will be in the same physical shape for their life.

edit: typo

Easy implies fast. I wouldn't consider the gradual loss or gain of 40 pounds over a 10 year span of time to be particularly fast.

And if this girl is already overweight, and in her 30s, the likelihood of her losing weight over the next 10 years is greatly dwarfed by the likelihood of her putting on more weight, unless she were to put in the effort to eat healthier and exercise.

Considering the obesity trends in our country, someone's much more likely to gain weight with age than to lose it.

[Autolycus]

Maybe she's just wearing a fat suit in order to find out if you're shallow or not. *

I doubt it, but stranger things have happened!


*Of course, the situation described in the OP doesn't make you shallow, but you know what I mean.

[SailedTheOceanBlue]

Tell her that you want to be friends and then actually BE friends with her. Because I bet she's got some other friends that she'll introduce you to and they may be cute, single and not overweight.

[neorxnawange]

If you aren't attracted to her then it won't work as a romantic relationship, physical attraction matters. I don't know why you would feel it necessary to tell her that it is because of her fat though, that's a really shitty thing to do. If the point comes up just tell her you aren't interested romantically in her.

[msmith537]

The heart wants what the heart wants. You don't have to appologize for not likeing a fat chick. Just nicely tell her you only like her as a friend.

[ZipperJJ]

Speaking as a fat chick - I agree with others who say you should just let her know you're not interested. Give her a chance to get over the idea that you two would work out and let her go on with her life and find someone who DOES find her attractive.

If she's cool with being "just friends" and is able to actually be friends then good on her. If she goes sobbing into the night and hates your guts, well that's her problem to work out (I have been that girl - it does end up being in her best interest). Yeah you will lose a neato friend but it'll be easier on her heart if she can't get over you while you are still around.

I don't think people are shallow if they admit to not liking a certain body type. He's already said he likes her as a person, so it's not like he doesn't even give her the time of day just because she's fat. He just doesn't want to be with her in the way she wants to be with him. Happens to everyone.

[Mister Rik]

Maybe she's just wearing a fat suit in order to find out if you're shallow or not. *

I doubt it, but stranger things have happened!
Heh heh!

Start Here (www.ctrlaltdel-online.com/comic.php?d=20070302)

(The male character, Lucas, has a history of attracting psycho women.)

[lavenderviolet]

Well, to give a different perspective: If you guys don't know each other that well yet you may not want to rule anything out just based on your initial feelings of attraction (or lack thereof).
Hey, I freely admit that I am prone to shallowness...yet there have been times when someone who I didn't find attractive at first turned out to have an amazing personality that made them seem far more appealing once I became more acquainted with the person.
Does it happen every time? No, of course not. Not everyone who lacks "conventional good looks" turns out to have an amazing personality, and not every amazing personality is sexually appealing...but sometimes people surprise you when you give them a chance. :)

For that reason, I'd encourage things down the friendship route (definitely being careful not to give her the false idea that you are more interested than you truly are) without having any particular expectations for what the future holds.

[Sunspace]

I don't think people are shallow if they admit to not liking a certain body type. He's already said he likes her as a person, so it's not like he doesn't even give her the time of day just because she's fat. He just doesn't want to be with her in the way she wants to be with him. Happens to everyone.And a lot of times it's not even about lining a particular body type or not.

One time I met someone through LavaLife; we seemed to get along well online; she was a type I usually find quite attractive (plump and Asian); logically, we should have gotten along very well in person; yet when we met, there was nothing. It was frustrating, but there was nothing to be done.

You can't make yourself be attracted to someone.

I have a date on Saturday, the first one for quite a while; if this happens again, I will be really annoyed.

[Hostile Dialect]

When you're desperate, it's easy to find yourself in bed with someone you don't find attractive. And if they're desperate--which, sadly, is much more often the case with overweight women--it can lead to drama and harrassment that you really don't need in your life. My point here is: whatever you do, DO NOT sleep with her. I made that mistake with a girl who sounds pretty much like your not-so-secret admirer. I had to threaten a restraining order several times for her to get the message. I really believe it's my fault for having sex with her when she was desperate for love and I was just itching for a screw.

And for those who suggest just going on one date--it probably won't hurt, but then again you could be the unlucky fellow who goes out with a clinger. The thing is, she likes you and you don't like her. Don't lead her on.

[Telperien]

Confession: I sat there and did the math, given the OP's forty-percent estimate and what a girl of average height and build probably should weigh. It's a compulsion.

All I have to say is echoing the folks who said don't go out with her, even on that one date. If you're interested in becoming friends with her, do that, but make sure she knows you're not interested in any romance with her--without being insulting. There's no need to tell her it's due to her weight--she can probably figure that one out on her own.

[OneCentStamp]

No, wait until the end and then decide what to do based on what you feel like doing then.
Oh geez, if you're serious, I think this is awful advice, at least if the OP is anything like me. :eek:

If I put that decision off until the end, where I'm possibly tipsy and not too eager to go home alone, I'm gonna sleep with her and open the door to crazy.

[Licentious Ectomorph]

How about just saying "Sure, I'd love to go to the party/meet you at the club/whatever. I enjoy hanging out with you, but I'm sensing that you're interested in more than friendship and I'm afraid I just don't feel that way."

It's tactful yet truthful, and gives her the opportunity to save face by saying you misinterpreted her.

[Kalhoun]

How many people are a similar weight when they're 30 as when they graduated high school?

I've met a lot of people, and the total I'm coming up with is "zero". I know almost as many people who dropped 40 pounds as those that gained it, but you can pretty much guarantee that nobody will be in the same physical shape for their life.

edit: typo
(I was the same weight from high school until I was in my mid-40s. )

If you're not attracted to her, just go with the "just friends" thing. Maybe she'll read between the lines and take off the lbs. In which case you can move into the Girlfriend Material mode.

[Cat Whisperer]

How about just saying "Sure, I'd love to go to the party/meet you at the club/whatever. I enjoy hanging out with you, but I'm sensing that you're interested in more than friendship and I'm afraid I just don't feel that way."

It's tactful yet truthful, and gives her the opportunity to save face by saying you misinterpreted her.
I really like this approach. In fact, you MIGHT be mis-interpreting. And don't be thinking that because she's fat she's desperate (of course she might be, but you don't know that). Maybe she's just willing to settle for *your* bony ass, Ender. :D