How do you relieve yourself of anger and resentment?

[Phlosphr]

I heard a great story this weekend, a story from Buddha and one of his resolutions of anger and resentment. He basically said: when someone is making you angry and you feel you may begin to harbor a resentment, act as if the anger is an unwanted gift, and kindly return it.

Although simple and not exactly everyday practical - I try to not harbor anger for anyone, or at very least I try not to be so angry that I build a resentment. But if we are being real and true to the nature of this message board, I must say I am not perfect in dealing with the mundane anger that can form into a resentment.

I believe resentments can act like water over stone. Usually they go right over it, and flow on past, but over time the water can get into the cracks and eventually split it appart. I think this happens with a lot of marriages these last few decades, and I believe that if resentments and anger were managed correctly, divorce rates would plummet. That is a discussion for another time.

So on the topic of anger and resentments; how do you deal with them and how do you avoid them?

[fisha]

Kick my dog.

[sandra_nz]

I used to be quick to anger, but am much more mellow these days.

Mostly I think it's about perspective - for example, most of the Pit thread subjects just make me think "You got het up over that?" I just can't be bothered putting energy into being angry about something that doesn't really matter, particularly things that actually have no impact on my life.

Sometimes when I do get angry about something, and can't let it go, I tell my husband about it. I always preface it with "I'm just saying this to get it off my chest, I don't need advice or anything..."

[smiling bandit]

This is an important lesson in Christianity. You must never, ever seek to return harm or injury by means of hate or anger. Although many people have forgotten it, I believe this is one major reason behind the generalized horror of "hot blooded killing" and why revenge is so very much considered injust. It's rarely injust. It may be extreme, but by defnition, revenge is pretty just.

But my answer to your question is that there's no easy way. Different people might come up with different psychological steps or tricks, but these really can't be transferred or taught. You have to start by acknowledging that you do feel this way and even if justified you have to kill your resentment. The hardest resentment to kill is when you aren't being silly or selfish. When someone not only imposes or harms you but does it full well knowing the impact, just because they don't care - that's the hardest.

But even if you start out forgiving people for making accidental mistakes, that's real progress.

[Phlosphr]

SMiling Bandit I believe this is an important lesson no matter what your religion or creed is. You make some good points.

[corkboard]

Anger is the dollop of spaghetti sauce that drops onto my new pants- it is easily wiped away. Resentment, however, is the stain that I can't get rid of no matter how many times I wash them. It lingers and frustrates me every time I try to wear the pants, until I give up and decide that they'll be my painting pants or the ones I'll wear to mow the lawn. The stain is still there, but I've at least managed to move it way down my list of what's really important.

Eventually, after that spaghetti spot is one of many stains and it has become part of the collage of messes on the pants, I'll throw them out and forget all about them. It might take years to get to that point.

[Ellef]

Anger is the dollop of spaghetti sauce that drops onto my new pants- it is easily wiped away. Resentment, however, is the stain that I can't get rid of no matter how many times I wash them. It lingers and frustrates me every time I try to wear the pants, until I give up and decide that they'll be my painting pants or the ones I'll wear to mow the lawn. The stain is still there, but I've at least managed to move it way down my list of what's really important.

Eventually, after that spaghetti spot is one of many stains and it has become part of the collage of messes on the pants, I'll throw them out and forget all about them. It might take years to get to that point.

If that's not a teaching from the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster, it should be! :p

[Lanzy]

Plot revenge, execute plan.

[Mangetout]

I sometimes just ask myself, "Yeah, but does it really matter, no really?"

It's surprising, I find, how often the answer is that no, it doesn't matter at all.

[DoctorJ]

Booze, violent video games, self-destructive eating.

I wouldn't recommend it, though.

[Engineer Dude]

Kick my dog.

Same here. It's not quite as much fun as firing a gun at the TV or picking a fight with someone weaker than me, though.

On the front page, the link to this topic (it was the latest post at the time) said "How do you relieve yourself..." :eek:

[vibrotronica]

If that's not a teaching from the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster, it should be! :p
Truly, McNew has been Touched by His Noodly Appendage.

I play rock and roll to banish the demons. Musical performance of any sort is good for the soul.

[cormac262]

Anger is the knee-jerk reaction to something that pisses you off. Someone does something that upsets you, and you get pissed. Generally these incidents (and there may be lots of them in a given day) are pretty transient. They may feel pretty intense at the time, but they fade pretty quickly.

Resentment is a different animal, and I learned something that helped not really "get over", but more to "keep it in check". Resentment is that nagging re-living of some incident or incidents that pissed you off. And the repeated questions of "why did they do that ?" and/or "did I deserve that ?" and/or "what should I have done differently ?" And to a certain extent, the answers that you've come up with to those questions. But the indication of "resentment" is the repeated dwelling on the incident(s).
Someone once told me that things that provoke strong emotions are flags or pointers to things you are not sure of in yourself. That is, your reaction is exaggerated because of some insecurity or doubt about the infraction. And I see that resentment is a form of this. The dwelling is like a reminder (or more like a nagging) that something about the incident/situation strikes some chord within your psyche.
So if I can pull myself out of the cycle (and this is the hard part), and kind of step back and analyze the situation, it can help to keep the resentment in check - more in control. The key is not to ask "why" the person did what they did (which you may never get an answer to), but rather "why" does this strike such a chord with yourself. It takes being pretty open, and you may not like what you find. But what it does is that it shifts the feeling from the "offence/offender" to your "reaction" to the offence/offender. And your reaction is something you have some control over.

This has worked for me on a number of occasions (but not all). And it has helped to sort of limit the level of the resentment, if not do away with it all together.

Enough of my self-help, mumbo jumbo for one morning.

[Madd Maxx]

I listen to heavy metal music. It's what keeps me the calm and even-keeled.

[delphica]

I try to focus on how anger and resentment are taking up my valuable time. That is not how I want to spend my time.

I am also pretty good at removing myself from situations that are likely to cause anger or resentment. I know people have different strategies for dealing with things, but I have one friend who often ends up angry and resentful after spending time with her sister. When asked why she continues to see her sister, she says "oh, but I have to, it's one of those things, it would be worse if I didn't, that's just the way things are in my family, etc etc etc." Seriously, if I was in that situation I would stop seeing the sister and never have half a moment of guilt, regret or doubt about it. The downside of this approach is that other people have commented that this can seem a bit cold ... at the core, I guess it is, but life is too short to spend it being angry and upset.

[Dung Beetle]

Unfortunately, I usually cry or at least, feel like it. Anger makes me sad and tired most of the time, which is why you don't see me ranting in the Pit too often

[ZipperJJ]

I've decided that:

You can't change people
You also can't hit people
But you can beat the piss out of the heavy bag and no one will mind.

I've tapped in to the fact that I have this primal violent temper and deep down all I want to do is beat things or even get beaten up when I'm angry. If I take care of business at that level - in a completely safe, legal way (karate, heavy bag, pushups, etc) - then anything else up the emotional ladder is wiped away.

[Leaffan]

When I get angry, it's usually over small things and I get over it immediately; kids not listening, asshole drivers, etc. I internalize and rationalize and don't let it fester. I don't know if I've ever been resentful in my life. I can control that which I can control. What I can't control is other people's concern, not mine.

Five or six really good beers helps too.

[overlyverbose]

If I have a moment or can eke one out, I go running to get rid of it. If I can't, I try to take a step back - usually by removing myself from the situation and trying to calm myself down (doesn't work that often, though - running is best).

[Missy2U]

Anger and resentment? I don't relieve myself of anger and resentment. I'm chock full of both!

[elbows]

Resentment is the result of anticipating getting something that didn't come. That means you did this, hoping, awaiting, praying that it would cause this to happen. It's like giving a gift hoping for something in return.

Now we all know that we should do things out of the goodness of our hearts, just as we should give gifts without strings attached. But people are complicated, sometimes we think we're doing one thing, and then it turns out we were doing something else. The trick is, once you know this, you can correct yourself quite easily. Nobody makes you do things. The things you do, you do because of who you are, never forget that, it's an important piece of the puzzle. It's really easy to convince ourselves otherwise. You will see people do it all the time, but it's not correct and it leads to - resentment.

As for anger, I have found that anger is pretty easy to dispell. Have you ever noticed that it's a lot easier to be angry with your wife, mother, the world, than it is to be angry with yourself? That's because you keep waiting for them to atone or show remorse, and grow more angry when you don't see it.

I have found that if I embrace everything in life as my choice then the only person I can ever really get angry with is myself. The truth is that if you look hard enough you have some ownership in everything that happens to you. Everything. So look a little harder, take responsibility for your choices, own your part in things. You'll still be angry over things that go badly but you'll be right there ready to offer remorse or atonement to your ownself. And the anger will dissipate instead of stew.

I cannot offer these simply words of advice without mentioning compassion. People think that compassion is feeling for those less fortunate. And it is, but that's the easy part of compassion, and only half of the lesson. Compassion for self is much harder to muster, especially for those feeling undeserving or beaten down by life. Compassion for others, while valuable and honourable is not nearly as important as self compassion. Compassion for self keeps you grounded, down here on earth with the rest of the mere mortals. And compassion for self will make your compassion for others swell in ways you cannot imagine. And, of course, it is compassion for self that allows you to forgive yourself when you're angry at you!

Er, excuse me while I climb down ( a little red faced ) from this soapbox.

[TroubleAgain]

Hmmm. I don't know how I do it. It just seems to happen. I completely suck at staying angry or holding a grudge. I guess I do some sort of "forgive, but don't forget". Meaning, I'll let it go to the back of my mind, where it isn't having any perceivable imact on my feelings toward [subject of anger/resentment], but it will not be forgotten in case of further injury by [soa/r] so that if a pattern forms, I'll be aware and can cut my future losses by [soa/r].

[Moriarty]

Writing a really nasty letter (that you don't actually send) is one way I've used to get anger and resentment out of my system.

[miamouse]

Beats me. I generally don't get angry/resentful out of things I can't control. That said however, I'm having a really hard time being resentful over some things that have happened this year. I put myself and my family at risk for someone who (to me) was as good as family. I fought hard for this person (not just me, we all did, but I gave up last). It seemed that the effort was flaunted in a public and humiliating way, and in a way that said (to me) "I do not care, as long as I am in the center of a tornado".

Sometimes I console myself with the fact that it would be unfair to expect this person to love in the same way that a stable person might. Sometimes I feel like I failed. Sometimes I feel like I wish I never met this person. It's not a matter of a stain on the pants, because the entire pair of pants bothers me. I have to learn to not even put them on. This has not been easy.

This board has been of some help, and I can't remember who said it here but what has helped me was the phrase "don't stick your hand in the crazy." Whoever you are, thank you, you gave me a wonderful thing to repeat when I was tempted.

[herownself]

I get older. I have more experience. with both anger and resentment. I let myself feel what I feel, and then think about whether I want to keep feeling that way. Usually I don't

I know that the feelings might come back, but I can choose to acknowledge them and move on again. Sometimes, if the resentment is just grumbling away in the background, I have to take it out and put it in a very bright light. I'll learn from that, and it will either go away or get a lot quieter. (Sometimes this process repeats a few times ... ;) )

But really, mostly I just get older. I have a better sense of what's important and what isn't. I know, from personal experience, darn it, that things will get better in a while. It might hurt to break up a relationship, for example, but it won't kill you. Breaking up a marriage comes closer to killing you, but it doesn't actually.

Did someone die? Is someone gonna die? No? Don't really need to hang on to this ...

[Yag Rannavach]

But you can beat the piss out of the heavy bag and no one will mind.



This has fallen out of favor as a way to effectively deal with anger. There are quiet a few articles and expiriments dealing with it, free for all to see, so I'll just link one:
http://www-personal.umich.edu/~bbushman/PSPB02.pdf (not linked because it's a pdf)

[Der Trihs]

Read a good book or play a video game; something that I enjoy and that absorbs my attention. But it has to be a book where the antagonists aren't too nasty, or the anger will just transfer to them, and keep reminding me of whatever is angering me.

That's assuming that I want to relieve myself of it, of course. Sometimes I want to be angry.

[MLS]

I try to remember that the anger and resentment don't hurt the object of those emotions, they hurt the feeler of them. If you're angry, your hormones surge, your flight/fight instincts kick in, your stomach churns, your blood pressure goes up. All of that hurts you, but does absolutely zilch to the one(s) you're mad at. Don't give them free rent inside your head. Let it go.

A teacher of mine several decades ago also pointed out that anger is very useful IF it is used to right a wrong or actually accomplish something. Otherwise, it is best discarded. Easier said than done, of course.

[Least Original User Name Ever]

I sometimes just ask myself, "Yeah, but does it really matter, no really?"

It's surprising, I find, how often the answer is that no, it doesn't matter at all.

I agree with this. I find it odd how people can manufacture great amounts of bile for some things. Then again, everyone has their buttons. If you hit them, you might set them off.

[Kyla]

I go for a walk. This is pretty much my answer to all of my problems. Taking a walk gives me an opportunity to think through whatever's going on and work out a solution. Because I am not good at staying angry, it usually gives me the time to calm down so I don't take my anger out on someone who doesn't deserve it.

Sometimes when I am taking my walk, I think about posting my problem to the SDMB and asking y'all what you would do in the situation. Then I imagine your answers. Thinking about how someone else would see my problems gives me a little bit of a sense of perspective and forces me to forget about the anger for a moment to use my common sense (which I admit that I occasionally abandon when really pissed off).

[storyteller0910]

Sports video games. There's no irritation in the world that can't be soothed by beating the Yankees 21-3.

[Mangetout]

Writing a really nasty letter (that you don't actually send) is one way I've used to get anger and resentment out of my system.
If you do this, first make sure you're not living in a sitcom - because in that case, your helpful cheery room-mate will post it for you while you pop out to the corner shop for cornflakes and you'll spend the better part of your day with your forearm trapped in the mailbox after you try to retrieve it.

[Phlosphr]

If you do this, first make sure you're not living in a sitcom - because in that case, your helpful cheery room-mate will post it for you while you pop out to the corner shop for cornflakes and you'll spend the better part of your day with your forearm trapped in the mailbox after you try to retrieve it.
Heh - I think Atomicktom is practicing restraint of tongue and pen. It's a good quality to have.
What ahow are you talking about Mange? Sounds like a Benny Hill episode.

[cosmosdan]

This is an interesting subject for me. Holding on to anger and resentment can be a real poison inside a person.

Lots of good posts but I especially liked #13 from cormac262 and #21 from elbows

As I've gotten older I find I am more ready to forgive others and let go of animosity because I've made my own mistakes and need some forgiveness myself. When people do something that really gets under my skin I feel it but try to let it go as soon as possible I try to figure out why I reacted the way I did and is there something I need to be aware of about myself to help me deal with those situations better. To have a better understanding and control of myself.

I've also learned that with people I come in contact with on a regular basis it's good to tell them what I think with honesty but diplomacy as well. It may or may not change their behavior but I usually feel better about it. Other times in work situations I modify my behavior in a way that stops someone from taking advantage of me or manipulating me. I try to let their issues be their issues.

The thing I struggle with most is people who are consistently dishonest. Especially if it's someone I come in contact with on a regular basis. It definitely lowers my respect for them but I find I also have some underlying anger about that kind of personality.

Oh, and several people mentioned venting through exercise or some way of getting the anger out without hurting anybody. Also a good idea.