Question for Gay dopers...How do I find a boyfriend?

[rostfrei]

Slightly over two years ago, my boyfriend and I (I’m a gay man) decided to pack up and move from Virginia to California. It was a bold move on out part and I don’t regret it. I was somewhat reluctant to move because I’d be leaving behind some good friends. However, I’ve since made some great friends in San Francisco.

Fast forward to October 2006. My boyfriend of three years announces that he wants to break-up so he can “discover” himself. I decided that it was probably for the best that I move out. So, I found a nice place to live and have the best roommate ever.

I was actually looking forward to being on my own and dating new people, etc. I though that I’d date a few guys and then meet the “man of my dreams” and fall madly in love. It’s now 10 months later and I haven’t even come close to meeting anyone of substance. At first, I would go out to the bars in the Castro and meet guys, but I quickly found out that meeting a “soul-mate” in a bar was NOT going to happen…however I did manage to get a LOT of attention . I then tried online sources, with very little success. I joined a gay social club that meets every two weeks for dinner and conversation. I have met a lot of guys but they all have one thing in common….they want sex and after they get that (or not), they move on. It seems that no one is looking for anything, other than casual sex. I think San Francisco (and probably every other city) has a very “I want it NOW” attitude. I’m at wits end.

How does one date? I see a lot of gay couples in the city and know that it is possible to find a soul-mate, but I want to know how. Some of my friends suggest that a good place to find a soul-mate is church, but I’m not into religion at all and don’t particularly want a boyfriend that is.

I am fairly new to the dating scene, since I’ve spent all of my adult life in 3 monogamous relationships (7 years, 13 years and 3 years).

Do any of my fellow dopers have suggestions on what I can do to find a substantial man to date? I know that I’m a catch, I’m attractive, have a decent job and have no illegal vices. I’ve been told by so many people that I’m a brilliant conversationalist and a lot of fun to be around.

[Sunspace]

Move to Toronto. Men slightly outnumber women here (I think it's something like 51% to 49%).

You can get married here, too.

[Li'l Pluck]

Oy!

Well, first off, regrets on the troubles with the ex-boyfriend, but you seem to be handling it well. Good for you.

Being happily single myself (and too busy to look if I actively wanted a relationship, anyway), I can't offer much in the way of advice outside of some of the things that you've already mentioned that you've done.

I think you're right--finding Mr. Right (for the next "X" number of years) in a bar is a really hit-or-miss proposition; however, despite the lack of success you've had with the social club, I think that you could be on the right track there. As I'm sure you realize, finding a companion--the right companion--often takes a bit of time and patience. The most important thing, I think, is for you to just live your life, be who you really are, and do things that being you joy.

When I found and fell in love with my ex-husband, I though it was the coolest thing because...well, I wasn't looking for anyone. At all. I was just doing my thing, and there he appeared, out of the blue. And though our relationship did eventually end, I was grateful and better off for having had him in my life.

So, I guess what I'm saying is, you just do your thing, and the rest will (most likely/maybe/I don't know) fall into place. And hey, if that means joining other organizations/clubs that are centered around your passions--which means that you'll get to have a great time either way--then, cool, do that.

Also, I don't know about the internet dating scene--I've used it only for the occasional hook-up (not with stellar success, BTW), but my understanding is that it's defiinitely losing its stigma, and people do find long-term mates that way. Like everything else, though, it takes time. And perhaps kissing a few frogs. :(

One thought occurs to me: Are you at all limiting yourself (I mean, in a seriously restrictive way) to the kinds of men that you're willing to date? I think that the more open you are (within reason, of course--no axe murderers need apply) to the kinds of men that you're willing to date, the more likely the chance of finding your soul-mate. And whatever happens, you at least run the risk of expanding your circle of interesing human connections. Just a thought.

At any rate, even though I feel that a standard-issue relationship would be too many changes for me, I do feel for people who really, really want someone in their lives, and so I'll think good thoughts for you.

Other than that, I'm sorry that I couldn't be much help.

BTW, gay man here (37 y.o, probably around your age), in case you were wondering.

On preview: Sunspace makes an interesting point, too!

[Sunrazor]

I'm not a member of the demographic group addressed, but seems to me romance is romance; you're looking for a mate with certain attributes. You're an intelligent guy -- go to those places where one would find such men, whether it's sports bars, basketball games, home shows or the symphony. Then just let lightning strike. It will.

I think the "I just want sex now" attitude is occurring across the board, male and female, gay and straight. I think it's a generational thing, maybe a little post-911, global warming, let's get it on because it may not be here tomorrow kind of feeling. But not everybody is like that. Just be patient, don't be afraid to let people know that you are looking for a long-term relationship. He'll find you. Or you'll find him.

I know, there's nothing worse than an old fart telling a youngster, "Be patient, love will happen." But the truth is, that's pretty much it.

[StinkyBurrito]

Move to Toronto. Men slightly outnumber women here (I think it's something like 51% to 49%).

You can get married here, too.
Well, whatever you do, don't move to Cleveland. You think it's hard going in SF? Think how I feel. :(

[ComeToTheDarkSideWeHaveCookies]

Mind over matter.

You convince yourself that what you really need and want is a nice, casual, one-night-stand-fling or two. This may take you a while, but is THE crucial step to this process and you MUST comply with it. Once you have achieved this paradigm shift, start going out to the clubs again. You are 100% guaranteed to meet a really hot, brilliant, awesome guy who isn't into casual sex, but something about you and the line you tried to use on him to get him back to your bedroom...he can't quite put his finger on it, but he likes it.

Dating ensues, and it only takes you 3 months to convince him that you really weren't a circuit-boy-ho', you were merely playing the role that irony often seems to require of single people.

[Otto]

If I knew how to find a boyfriend, I'd have one.

[Antinor01]

In my experience, the right guy shows up when you're not looking. My SO of six years came along at a time that I was not even considering dating. We chatted online for about 4 months and finally decided to meet. We have now been together for a little over 6 years.

My advice, go out and find things to do that you enjoy. Sports, music, golf, bar hopping, volunteering....whatever it is you like to do. But go with the goal of enjoying yourself. If you do meet something that you connect with, great! If not, you're still out and about doing things you like doing.

[tdn]

"Oh, man, I can't find a girlfriend. All the good ones are taken, and usually by jerks. We should just turn gay. Our problems would be solved."

[Walloon]

I think the "I just want sex now" attitude is occurring across the board, male and female, gay and straight. I think it's a generational thing, maybe a little post-911, global warming, let's get it on because it may not be here tomorrow kind of feeling.Do you honestly think that people are basing their sex lives on things like the emergency telephone number or global warming?

[Li'l Pluck]

"Oh, man, I can't find a girlfriend. All the good ones are taken, and usually by jerks. We should just turn gay. Our problems would be solved."

Ah, yes. As you are discovering--if only vicariously--our grass is apparently not that much greener than yours! :)

[boytyperanma]

I'm not a member of the demographic group addressed, but seems to me romance is romance; you're looking for a mate with certain attributes. You're an intelligent guy -- go to those places where one would find such men, whether it's sports bars, basketball games, home shows or the symphony. Then just let lightning strike. It will.

I think the "I just want sex now" attitude is occurring across the board, male and female, gay and straight. I think it's a generational thing, maybe a little post-911, global warming, let's get it on because it may not be here tomorrow kind of feeling. But not everybody is like that. Just be patient, don't be afraid to let people know that you are looking for a long-term relationship. He'll find you. Or you'll find him.

I know, there's nothing worse than an old fart telling a youngster, "Be patient, love will happen." But the truth is, that's pretty much it.

Waiting for lightning to strike does not work quite as well for homosexuals. We don't have very good odds on our side when it comes to meeting others at random. I've been single for the past year now and am not actively looking for a partner. I can't remember even talking to a potential prospect in the past six months. The number of gay men I run into in my regular routine is pretty slim.

I've found the only effective way to find bf's is to be actively searching. I don't care much for clubs but when I was looking for my last bf I made sure I went to a club at least once a week and danced my ass off. I'd never turn away a conversation with someone new. I went on many dates that went nowhere. I liked doing lunch dates and such with limited time so when I didn't want sex I could just meet him talk a bit have a sandwich and not hook up.

An advantage to being a single gay man is sex is everywhere. It's extremely easy to get laid. Finding romantic interests is much harder and can take allot of time.

[Sampiro]

If I knew how to find a boyfriend, I'd have one.

Pravda pravda, true true. All this talk about gay promiscuity and I'd settle for a date.

What really gets me into a self-pityfest is when I see pictures of Chang & Eng Bunker (http://phreeque.tripod.com/chang_eng.html). Here are two men who wandered from their freak show circuit into antebellum provincial North Carolina, where most of the people had never seen Asians before, let alone Asians joined at the stomach, where people still practiced folk magic and believed slavery was a good idea, and yet these two straight guys with a common navel still managed to find wives and even sire two dozen kids between them (which was the only way they could sire kids, of course). Here's me, detached and singular, not Brad Pitt admittedly but not Danny Devito either, living in 21st century info-age city of a quarter million, and I can't even get a date. Sigh. It's a straight man's world...

Next year in Fire Island.

[Sunrazor]

Do you honestly think that people are basing their sex lives on things like the emergency telephone number or global warming?Maybe I should have written the now-traditional 9/11. There is a considerable body of research that posits that, in times of perceived pending doom, humans tend to copulate indiscriminately and somewhat indiscretely, perhaps even with abandon. The theory is that our urge to procreate takes over as we try to produce more humans than the pending catastrphe can kill. It's just a theory, but studies (which I'm unable to access on the Internet, and this is, after all, IMHO and not GD) have shown surges in birth rates nine months after major catastrophes. The 9/11 attacks (Sept. 11, 2001) were the latest events studied in this manner.

[Otto]

Pravda pravda, true true. All this talk about gay promiscuity and I'd settle for a date.
All of us sad sack single homo-Dopers should be each others' virtual boyfriends.

[Sunrazor]

Waiting for lightning to strike does not work quite as well for homosexuals. We don't have very good odds on our side when it comes to meeting others at random. I've been single for the past year now and am not actively looking for a partner. I can't remember even talking to a potential prospect in the past six months. The number of gay men I run into in my regular routine is pretty slim.Sadly, this is a consequence of living in a "Christian nation." If our society simply accepted people as they are (pretty and ugly, fat and skinny, homosexual and heterosexual) you and I would both be happier. And you would find love as easily as I did.

Or, I could just be an idealistic, naive old fart.

[Sunspace]

What really gets me into a self-pityfest is when I see pictures of Chang & Eng Bunker (http://phreeque.tripod.com/chang_eng.html). Here are two men who wandered from their freak show circuit into antebellum provincial North Carolina, where most of the people had never seen Asians before, let alone Asians joined at the stomach, where people still practiced folk magic and believed slavery was a good idea, and yet these two straight guys with a common navel still managed to find wives and even sire two dozen kids between them (which was the only way they could sire kids, of course). Here's me, detached and singular, not Brad Pitt admittedly but not Danny Devito either, living in 21st century info-age city of a quarter million, and I can't even get a date. Sigh. It's a straight man's world...With the exception of that last sentence, I feel exactly the same way: as if I am invisible to the members of my desired sex. I always thought that gay people had an easier time hooking up.

[kittenblue]

I am fairly new to the dating scene, since I’ve spent all of my adult life in 3 monogamous relationships (7 years, 13 years and 3 years).

Do any of my fellow dopers have suggestions on what I can do to find a substantial man to date? I know that I’m a catch, I’m attractive, have a decent job and have no illegal vices. I’ve been told by so many people that I’m a brilliant conversationalist and a lot of fun to be around.

How did you meet those three guys? Try doing the same thing again.

Oh, and do you have a straight brother I could meet?

[Sunspace]

How did you meet those three guys? Try doing the same thing again.

Oh, and do you have a straight brother I could meet?Hi. I do not have the honour of being Sampiro's brother, but I am strai--what? Interrupting his thread? What do you mean? I was just commiserating as a fellow human geing! I--*biff* *sock* *THUD* arrghh scrape scrape
:: dragged offstage by the cultural police ::

[levdrakon]

Ow. SF is rough. All the big gay meccas are rough. Thousands of fabulous guys, looking for other fabulous guys, constantly trying to trade up. It sucks, I tell ya.

Find a good man. Love him. Maybe he ain't that hot looking. Love him anyway. He'll love you.

Something my mom taught me as a wee lad. Any woman can be beautiful, if she's genuinely loved.

Same thing with guys. Love him, despite his not-so-fabulousness. You'd be surprised how a person who is genuinely, devotedly loved, can suddenly become fabulous. Next thing you know, you're walking down the street looking like a happy fabulous couple and everyone else is looking at you and wondering how you do it.

Don't listen to me though, I'm a single, bitter, jaded old fart who just turned 43 yesterday and I've let a few of those "okay" guys slip through my fingers.

[RandMcnally]

I'm not gay, but I did read this thing on Craigslist To the gay men who complain about the lack of quality men... (http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/392388931.html) and it actually has some pretty good advice for everyone.

(Don't ask me why I was reading it in the first place).

[BrightNShiny]

I live in a big city (Los Angeles), and I have men routinely ask me out for a date (or lunch or whatever). Next week, I'm going out to lunch with a nice man who wanted to take me out to lunch. He's not really my type, but whatever.

I've had some boyfriends that I ended up sleeping with on the night we met. We decided to meet up again, and somehow the casual relationship turned into a boyfriend one.

There are also gay clubs for every type of activity you can think of -- soccer, singing, karate, theater (shocking, I know!). This social club you're in? Is it centered around a specific activity you enjoy, or is it some general meeting kind of club?

I don't know you personally, but it sounds to me like you've got a very rigid definition of how to meet a boyfriend. Now that's fine, but it's simply going to be more difficult to meet someone, since the odds of someone having that same rigid definition is going to be kind of small. I'm not saying that you have to sleep with someone to find a boyfriend--I've had boyfriends that I didn't sleep with until many dates in (usually at their behest). But it sounds to me like you have a traditional paradigm of asking out, then courting, then proposal in mind, and even straight people don't necessarily function like this in mind.

As for gay oriented-churches: many people go to church who aren't particularly religious or may be religious in a way that's ok with you. If you're having this much trouble, you might want to rethink going. At the very least, it'd be an interesting way to spend a Sunday morning.

I would also suggest volunteering. You'll meet a wide mix of people who probably will be outside the normal circles you hang out in.

[Li'l Pluck]

Finding romantic interests is much harder and can take allot of time.

I think this is quite true.

But this:

An advantage to being a single gay man is sex is everywhere. It's extremely easy to get laid.

LIES! All lies, I tell you! :( :)

Oh, and a happy belated birthday to levdrakon!

[DMark]

In my experience, the right guy shows up when you're not looking.

Bingo!

I was the proverbial Gay boy slut...don't even want to go into the numbers of men I slept with (that was a thread a few years ago), but at the time I had three, simultaneous, steady "boyfriends" that I was serious about...but one night I was alone and did some serious evaluation and figured all three were all a waste of time and I was going to break up with all of them and be celibate forever. Mind you, this was only after one beer, in a local bar in Berlin. Not some self-pity party.

Then - across a crowded room...I saw a guy and looked into his eyes. What can I tell ya...I just "knew" it. Despite what I had just promised thirty seconds prior, I went over and said "Hello."

We have been together 26 1/2 years now, and I cannot imagine living without him.

I later found out he too had given up on finding Mr. Right. One more odd thing - he had gone to a psychic a few years earlier in Spain who told him, "You will meet an American who will be the love of your life and you will move there with him." He had totally forgotten about it until a friend who was with him at the time reminded him of the story years later.

So, my advice?

1. Don't stop looking - I have lots of friends who gave up, stopped going out and seem to expect Mr. Right to come and knock on their door. They are lonely and alone. Like any good hunter, if you don't go hunting, you won't find meat.
2. Don't assume every guy at a bar is out for a one-night-stand - many (or most of them) are, but that doesn't preclude success at that prime location.
3. Buy a full-length mirror and get real. You seem to be fit and attractive, but I can't begin to tell you how many guys I know who are fat, old and bald and are only attracted to slim, 20 year old guys with a swimmer's body....in your dreams, pal. Yes, there are exceptions, but yes, people also win the lottery. Same odds, same chances.
4. It is all in the eyes.
5. Find a good psychic.

[levdrakon]

Oh, and a happy belated birthday to levdrakon!Gosh, thanks!

[Li'l Pluck]

Gosh, thanks!

You're quite welcome!

And here's to hoping that, now that you're "older" ('cause 43 most definitely ain't old fart territory) and wiser, more of those "okay" (i.e., "more than okay" in disguise) men will come your way. :)

[OneCentStamp]

Same thing with guys. Love him, despite his not-so-fabulousness. You'd be surprised how a person who is genuinely, devotedly loved, can suddenly become fabulous. Next thing you know, you're walking down the street looking like a happy fabulous couple and everyone else is looking at you and wondering how you do it.
Take this for what it's worth; i.e., the advice of a 33 year old straight guy with tons of lesbian friends but only a select few gay guy friends.

I totally agree with levdrakon here. I think the stereotype of the "fabulous" gay guy is 90% due to the fact that a lot of gay guys seem to take really good care of themselves: get in shape, get regular (good) haircuts, dress well, etc. And that's a byproduct of high self-esteem, which can be reinforced by love.

[Dangerosa]

Neither gay nor male, but don't forget the value of networking. A former co-worker of mine met his partner when he came out to someone at work and she said "oh, thank God, I've been dying to introduce you to my brother, you guys will get along great!" And they did.

Let people know you are looking - its like finding a job. And like finding a job, most setups will suck - but its a little more discriminating than a bar.

[stpauler]

My advice would be to be open to possibilities and don't look for someone for a relationship. That second part is really putting the cart before the horse. Start slowly and see where it takes you.

I met my partner online of all places and didn't think it would go anywhere. He had some "strikes" against him; he was just out of a 17 year marriage to a woman, he has three kids part-time, and he LOVED dance music. These things would previously send me running for the hills. Fast forward to present and we're a strong, monogamous couple, the three kids are now living with us full time and call me dad #2, and I still hate dance music and he still loves it. Somethings don't change, but some do. I never thought I'd be tucking kids into their beds, finding the throw-up bucket, taking family vacations to China and Egypyt, or making homework charts to encourage improvement but here I am and I'm loving it (and him).

So, the next time you think of closing a door on a potential suiter, take a minute and get to know what's behind it.

[panache45]

Well, whatever you do, don't move to Cleveland. You think it's hard going in SF? Think how I feel. :(
The absolute truth. If you can't find anyone in San Francisco, you'll get no pity from anyone.

[matt_mcl]

After breaking up with the fellow I thought was the great love of my life, I'd rolled along, single and hating it, for three years. Then I found myself chatting with a friend of my brother's at a St. Jean Baptiste party. As he went inside to get dessert, I whispered to my brother, "Is he gay?"

"Duh!" my brother said.

The friend and I spent the rest of the evening chatting each other up, and now we're going together. What can I say? Get your relatives to invite cute gay boys to their garden parties.