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jjimm
09-15-2007, 06:01 AM
Ladies and gentlemen, I submit for your amusement Bonnie Tyler's Total Eclipse of the Heart (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=55nTwg5NIPM).

The literalism. The histrionics. The mixed metaphors. The slo-mo dove. The glowing-eyed flying choirboy. The random football players who appear once and are then never seen again. The pansy-assed dancers. The vague (and vain) attempt at the end to explain what the hell was going on.

What were they thinking? It's hilariously bad.

Can anyone do worse than this?

Contrapuntal
09-15-2007, 06:11 AM
Turn around Bright Eyes. You forgot the dancing ninjas. And the shadow fencers. And the ... what, greaser zombies climbing the stairs?

If there is a cheesier video I don't want to see it.

MidnightRadio
09-15-2007, 06:21 AM
What is going on in that video?

jjimm
09-15-2007, 06:25 AM
What is going on in that video?Well duh, he turned around, and he had bright eyes.

I'm surprised they didn't do 80s-style CGI of Bonnie "falling apart" too. And some dough for "I knead you now tonight, I knead you more than ever".

So, at the end, did she kill one of the schoolboys? Was it an identity parade? Was she a teacher and boffing one of them? I have no idea.

jjimm
09-15-2007, 06:31 AM
Complete hijack of my own thread, MidnightRadio, but did you take your name from the David Gray song? Good song, that.

MerryMagdalen
09-15-2007, 07:14 AM
Well damn. I'm dealing with genuine heartbreak in my own life right now, and by rights this song should have had me moody this late at night...

And yet all I can think about is Flying Priests with Frikkin' Laser Eyes!

It's a good thing. I can just come home and watch this and get turned off getting laid for another week or so...

Khadaji
09-15-2007, 07:34 AM
Wow. I confess usually I see "best" or "worst" or some other "est" and I go and watch the clip in question and then I shrug and go "meh."

This time I gotta say: Wow, that was one odd vid. :eek:

HMS Irruncible
09-15-2007, 07:52 AM
I always liked "In A Big Country". It's like... hey, we've got $10000 in our shooting budget. Whatsay we just buy some ATV's and film ourselves riding around? Cuz nothing says "cool" like a British rock band driving around on 4-wheelers.

Uosdwis R. Dewoh
09-15-2007, 08:14 AM
This Meatloaf (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9GNhdQRbXhc) video is pretty cheesy but nothing beats this (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x20v9F-sWHQ).

jjimm
09-15-2007, 08:26 AM
nothing beats this (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x20v9F-sWHQ). :eek: That has got to be a joke. (David Hasselhof - Hooked on a Feeling.)

Uosdwis R. Dewoh
09-15-2007, 08:45 AM
Nearly forgot this (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AMlnJLdV5VY) one. Its a music video made by two popular Finnish artists in 1978. My mother lived next door and went to the same school as the male singer Danny (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ilkka_Lipsanen).

fessie
09-15-2007, 09:09 AM
:eek: That has got to be a joke. (David Hasselhof - Hooked on a Feeling.)

Hey man, don't hassle the Hoff (especially not in a vintage year).

How about
The Safety Dance. (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HcOZ6xFxJqg)

MsRobyn
09-15-2007, 09:24 AM
A few days, I stumbled on this gem (http://youtube.com/watch?v=j8OL7I3hpYA). The dork dancer is enough to put this into the solid cheese category, but the 80s CG and vector graphics just really put it over the top.

Robin

ultrafilter
09-15-2007, 11:11 AM
Sarah Brightman and Hot Gossip, "I Lost My Heart to a Starship Trooper" (http://youtube.com/watch?v=b_zMU2tX5n8). I'd say this competes with the OP.

Hung Mung
09-15-2007, 11:32 AM
Tunak Tunak Tun (http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-5995556455415798282). I believe I will see Daler Mendi in hell.

Hamlet
09-15-2007, 11:56 AM
There's a world of difference between "really bad", "goofy", "dated" and cheesiest. For cheesiest, the OP is right. I have never seen something so horribly....cheesy. From the constant back-lighting to the overused wind machine, from the angsty singing to the bright eyes, from the boarding school teens to the dancing ninjas (dancing fucking ninjas?, what.....the.....fuck?), from the million of candles to the cliche arm-tensing while singing, from the gothic set to the mirrors, every shot of this video, every second of the song is cheesy.

Well done, OP. Spot on.

Push You Down
09-15-2007, 12:03 PM
In honor of this week's anniversary.... How can this thread be complete without - America: We Stand as One (http://youtube.com/watch?v=AIaeAtus5jU)

H3Knuckles
09-15-2007, 07:39 PM
Some of the other videos posted in replies are bad, but...

Wow! That Bonnie Tyler video is just... something! Bad isn't even the right word. haha, jeez. My sisters used to make jokes about the video but I've never actually watched it before. Now I know. I mean the song itself is pretty ridiculous it's so melodramatic, but they could've just done something like the Meatloaf video and it'd be fine. The dancers, the athletes, the various cliche groups, the glowing freaky eyes... it's just insane.

LurkMeister
09-15-2007, 08:06 PM
There's always William Shatner doing Rocket Man (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RxMTRmnc54Y).

missbunny
09-15-2007, 08:16 PM
That Bonnie Tyler vid is so ... overwrought. Some director thought he was making this big artistic allegorical imagery-filled mysterious enigma of a piece, and instead it's just head-scratching what-the-hell.

Now The Safety Dance one, I just watched it and laughed and laughed. I laughed so hard my mom who is recovering from surgery came up to see what the heck was going on. It's so BAD! I can't believe I used to watch this kind of crap for hours! So wonderfully horribly bad.

ArizonaTeach
09-15-2007, 09:02 PM
You're insane. That was an awesome video! I distinctly remember it being something I waited for hours for it to come on MTV...

(watches video for the first time in two decades)

Now that...that's not...I don't...

...


My 12 year old self and I have a lot to talk about.

betenoir
09-15-2007, 09:20 PM
One word: A Flock of Seagulls. Oh wait, that's four words. And I'm not sure if it's more cheesy or just totally awful. And while I here I'll just pit them for draging a cool band like the Stranglers into their pit of suckyness.

dnooman
09-15-2007, 09:35 PM
My usual answer to the question is Lick It Up (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PzmqgLmCzNQ) by KISS.

Slithy Tove
09-15-2007, 09:42 PM
That David Hasselhof vid is pretty bad, but somewhat redeemed by its own self-awareness. Unlike some other deluded, (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OaXp6ewtMoo) pathetic posers (http://youtube.com/watch?v=Vp-is6S_b_g)

But if we're going to open the door to ironic self-parody, prepare to have it blown off its hinges by the Genius that is Gunther. (http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=3305888077179818388&q=gunther&total=4081&start=0&num=10&so=0&type=search&plindex=9 )

"champagne, glamour, sex, and respect"

Moirai
09-15-2007, 09:57 PM
For sheer cheese, it's tough to beat Patty Smyth's The Warrior (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dQgQND_66UI). But I think Bonnie just about does it.

KarlGrenze
09-15-2007, 10:08 PM
Wait, you think there is self-awareness in the Hasselhoff video?

NDP
09-15-2007, 10:11 PM
Ladies and gentlemen, I submit for your amusement Bonnie Tyler's Total Eclipse of the Heart (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=55nTwg5NIPM).

The literalism. The histrionics. The mixed metaphors. The slo-mo dove. The glowing-eyed flying choirboy. The random football players who appear once and are then never seen again. The pansy-assed dancers. The vague (and vain) attempt at the end to explain what the hell was going on.

What were they thinking? It's hilariously bad.

Can anyone do worse than this?

jjimm, I hate to be a scold but you did a very dangerous thing by starting this thread. Don't you realize the longer it goes on, there will be an increasing risk of some unfortunate Doper (or Dopers) being ... [shudder] ... Rickrolled!

Otto
09-15-2007, 10:18 PM
That Bonnie Tyler video got a generation of porn-deprived gay teenagers through some dark days.

And that Scandal video rocks.

You people have no taste.

Little Nemo
09-15-2007, 10:22 PM
What is going on in that video?As best I can figure it out, Tyler is a teacher at a all-boy school. She's feeling ... urges ... and she's having a dream about her students. (You're allowed to have nonsensical symbology in a dream sequence.) In the final scene, it's the next morning and she's awake and everything's normal. But when she shakes hands with one of the boys she suddenly remembers "Omigod, I was dreaming about having sex with this kid last night."

Little Nemo
09-15-2007, 10:27 PM
My offering for a bizarre video: Pat Benatar's Shadows of the Night (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ME0U9nY0AH4&mode=related&search=) - what the hell did this song have to do with the Battle of Britain?

H3Knuckles
09-15-2007, 10:49 PM
As best I can figure it out, Tyler is a teacher at a all-boy school. She's feeling ... urges ... and she's having a dream about her students. (You're allowed to have nonsensical symbology in a dream sequence.) In the final scene, it's the next morning and she's awake and everything's normal. But when she shakes hands with one of the boys she suddenly remembers "Omigod, I was dreaming about having sex with this kid last night."

Aw, you killed the joke. Half the fun was in the video not making any sense, and now you had to come along and give us a reasonably plausible explanation of what it's about...

Still, I'd like to know what's up with the bird-boy, dancing ninjas, and flying glowing-eyed choir boy. Those go a little further than nonsensical symbology.

Mr. Miskatonic
09-15-2007, 10:52 PM
My nomination, if I could find a version of it online, would be Prince Charles' (the short lived 80's Prince imitator, not the Crown Prince) 'SkinTight Tina'. I saw this on a channel that was yet to go into full production and so was showing mostly videos that MTV laughed off the air. Even by the low, cheesy standards of the 80's, and by the low standards of videos shown on that channel, it was memorable for its cheesiness.

I wish I could describe it, flinging records. The singer tied up and a singing with a voice that was a bastard child of George Clinton and Morrisey hitting adolescence. A couple of fly girls saying 'ooh' 'aah' with no feeling behind them while hiding behind masks on a stick...

Cheese, pure cheese.

OtakuLoki
09-15-2007, 11:00 PM
Well, while nothing can quite match the WTF quality of the OP's selection (Though the Tunak Tunak Tun one comes close.) I will submit this (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OufZbzsUtIo) for some mocking - if only for the focus on the swagger stick, while the line "some of them want to abuse you" is sung.

And how the Hell have we forgotten this one (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2IlHgbOWj4o) so long into the thread? It's got to be a close second place for WTF moments!


BTW: How much credibility will I have left when I admit that I still like most of these songs, even if the vids are embarassing to remember liking? :D

Harborwolf
09-15-2007, 11:03 PM
Aw, you killed the joke. Half the fun was in the video not making any sense, and now you had to come along and give us a reasonably plausible explanation of what it's about...

Still, I'd like to know what's up with the bird-boy, dancing ninjas, and flying glowing-eyed choir boy. Those go a little further than nonsensical symbology.Don't forget the stair dancing greasers and the loin clothed dancers surrounding her.

Of course, maybe the all boy school was the prestigious Mrs. Worcestershire's School for Really F@#&*d up Sh#$.

dotchan
09-15-2007, 11:14 PM
Fool! Dancing ninjas need no explanation!

They can flip out and kill you before you can even blink! :D

Achren
09-15-2007, 11:17 PM
The glowing-eyed flying choirboy. (clipping mine)
That was just creepy.
ETA: dotchan - HA! I'd like to flip out like a ninja, since that's what they do (http://www.7secondsoflove.com/ninja/) (flash video). ;)

dnooman
09-15-2007, 11:26 PM
That was just creepy.
ETA: dotchan - HA! I'd like to flip out like a ninja, since that's what they do (http://www.7secondsoflove.com/ninja/) (flash video). ;)
I hate you.

Hey, It's That Guy!
09-15-2007, 11:47 PM
I was introduced to this video recently (through another CS thread, in fact): "Knights of Cydonia" by Muse. It's relatively recent, and awesomely cheesy:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jV1bRfLHA3A

H3Knuckles
09-15-2007, 11:56 PM
I was introduced to this video recently (through another CS thread, in fact): "Knights of Cydonia" by Muse. It's relatively recent, and awesomely cheesy:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jV1bRfLHA3A

Oh it's awesome alright, but doesn't it kind of disqualify a video when it's intentionally cheesy?

Green Bean
09-15-2007, 11:58 PM
....I will submit this (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OufZbzsUtIo) for some mocking - if only for the focus on the swagger stick, while the line "some of them want to abuse you" is sung.

And how the Hell have we forgotten this one (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2IlHgbOWj4o) so long into the thread? It's got to be a close second place for WTF moments!


BTW: How much credibility will I have left when I admit that I still like most of these songs, even if the vids are embarassing to remember liking? :D
Huh? I would hardly call those videos cheesy. They were awesome then, and I think they both hold up pretty well.

My submission? Journey's air-guitar extravaganza--Separate Ways (http://youtube.com/watch?v=sxxOyGK1pMk). Melodramatic much?

While we're on the subject, does anybody know the story behind the Heaven's just a funky moose (http://www.fugly.com/flash/8/dontstopbelievin.html) "video?"

And I don't know if this is cheesy. I don't know what it is. But if you haven't seen it, do check out Leonard Nimoy's Ballad of Bilbo Baggins (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XC73PHdQX04).

shamrock227
09-16-2007, 12:03 AM
And how the Hell have we forgotten this one (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2IlHgbOWj4o) so long into the thread? It's got to be a close second place for WTF moments!

You're crazy. That's a great video. A classic. Thomas Dolby was H-O-T (which may be the reason why I love the video so much ;) ).

OtakuLoki
09-16-2007, 12:06 AM
Oh? The camera focuses on someone other than Miss Yakamoto? I hadn't noticed... ;)

KGS
09-16-2007, 12:40 AM
My submission? Journey's air-guitar extravaganza--Separate Ways (http://youtube.com/watch?v=sxxOyGK1pMk). Melodramatic much? This video was voted #6 Worst Of All Time by VH1 and I still don't understand why. Yeah, it's a little dorky and low-budget, but I think it's pretty cool.

As for pure cheese...well, somebody already mentioned The Safety Dance, so I'll offer Ant Rap (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SvtzHxr-7g8) instead.

ArizonaTeach
09-16-2007, 01:15 AM
Oh, if it's intentional cheese, I defy anyone to show me something more cheesy than this (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6-4VOLeKBOw).

dnooman
09-16-2007, 01:45 AM
Oh, if it's intentional cheese, I defy anyone to show me something more cheesy than this (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6-4VOLeKBOw).
That is intentional cheese. Does not count.

Mr. Miskatonic
09-16-2007, 10:26 AM
Intentional Cheese does not count, people. Otherwise Electronik Supersonik (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iOmHUBkpkZg) trumps everything!

scotandrsn
09-16-2007, 10:27 AM
What some here don't seem to get is that Total Eclispe, Sweet Dreams and Blinded Me with Science were not marginalized in their day. They were considered shining examples of the new art known as "music video", whose stylings would endure *snicker*.

Somewhere out there is the video someone made in 1984 or thereabouts, same idiotic, pseudo-abstract style, to "Yesterday" by the Beatles, which will win the thread, but I can't find it on YouTube.

Spoke
09-16-2007, 10:32 AM
For goofy, self-important 80s cheesiness, try We Built This City (http://youtube.com/watch?v=vFtW0WKT0Tw) by Starship.

Johnny L.A.
09-16-2007, 10:56 AM
There's always William Shatner doing Rocket Man (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RxMTRmnc54Y).
I had seen that performance exactly once, when it was originally broadcast. It's remained a point of amusment between me and a friend all that time. Thanks for the link. :)

lisacurl
09-16-2007, 10:59 AM
For sheer cheese, it's tough to beat Patty Smyth's The Warrior (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dQgQND_66UI). But I think Bonnie just about does it.That video was so bad that even when it premiered in the 80s I was like, "This has to be a parody, right?"

monstro
09-16-2007, 11:09 AM
As soon as I saw the OP, I thought of "Total Eclipse of the Heart". Awesome song but worse video ever.

Since that one's already been mentioned, I'm going to nominate Buffalo Stance (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3EQCOshGwPI) by Neneh Cherry. Great song, but really cheesy video. But it's so chessy it works, and it provides a juicy slice of late 80s fashion and color scheme.

Richard Pearse
09-16-2007, 11:18 AM
I had seen that performance exactly once, when it was originally broadcast. It's remained a point of amusment between me and a friend all that time. Thanks for the link. :)

This scene from Family Guy makes a lot more sense to me now (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Rsua8ulhFuA)

KneadToKnow
09-16-2007, 11:38 AM
And some dough for "I knead you now tonight, I knead you more than ever".
I live to hear those words.

;)

Blunt
09-16-2007, 12:16 PM
Considering the "quality" of some of the videos already posted, I'd have a hard time going ahead and saying this is the chesiest music video ever, but I think Cameo's Word Up (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QKmtsN_gzMM) could at least get some serious consideration. I especially like the fact that Levar Burton is featured, as well as the nice use of picture in picture towards the beginning. Also, you know you're in for treat when any video starts with the line "Cameo, don't even think about it. Come out with your hands up. We've got the place surrounded."

parthenokinesis
09-16-2007, 02:02 PM
Ahem. (http://youtube.com/watch?v=DvNOZegkVXo) It's a wonder this didn't get used in the soundtrack for Highlander, it's such high quality.

Re TEotH, did Bonnie pull a train with all those 12-16 year old kids? How can something so cheesy be so creepy? it's a mystery

lobstermobster
09-16-2007, 02:37 PM
Nearly forgot this (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AMlnJLdV5VY) one. Its a music video made by two popular Finnish artists in 1978. My mother lived next door and went to the same school as the male singer Danny (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ilkka_Lipsanen).

holy SHIT I just watched this with my finnish boyfriend and I think its just patriotism but he's trying to tell me there is nothing wrong with this video. I laughed REALLY hard. We're too young but we're going to find out the story on this thing from his parents.

8675309
09-16-2007, 03:12 PM
Without a doubt, Billy Squier Rock Me Tonight (http://youtube.com/watch?v=orW2NXQZg8U) .

jjimm
09-16-2007, 03:14 PM
How about
The Safety Dance. (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HcOZ6xFxJqg)No wonder I didn't realise they were Canadian. As for it being a bad video - not to me - it looks exactly like what I see when I look out of my front door. ;) And I like the blonde wench.

elmwood
09-16-2007, 03:23 PM
Aside from "I Love You Tender", these videos have me convinced that the Finns are the whitest people on the planet.

Finnish YMCA cover
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lCgrG35-3js

Finnish disco instructional video
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZJj6d5QSYaE

elmwood
09-16-2007, 03:29 PM
Another very 80s video, with a style like Buffalo Stance

Haysi Fantayzee: Shiny Shiny
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SjsnkIP4ddo

The absolute worst, though, has to be the Indian version of Thriller.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LbvP7dT3Dx0

Uosdwis R. Dewoh
09-16-2007, 03:29 PM
holy SHIT I just watched this with my finnish boyfriend and I think its just patriotism but he's trying to tell me there is nothing wrong with this video. I laughed REALLY hard. We're too young but we're going to find out the story on this thing from his parents.

I believe this particular clip is from a popular old show called levyraati (a Finnish version of the British show Juke Box Jury (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Juke_Box_Jury)). The MTV logo in the lower right corner does not stand for Music television, but Mainos televisio (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/MTV3) (Advertisement television). Its not really a music video, but more a clip from a music show. Cant explain the point with the dancers.

devilsknew
09-16-2007, 03:31 PM
3 Mustaphas 3 (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7Qa-z73rMCM)

It's cheeze is intentional, EuroHip and ironic, a little self depricating cultural awareness, from some great Yugo musicians. I have one of their albums and it is really good.

devilsknew
09-16-2007, 03:42 PM
Appparently, I have been deceived. 3 Mustaphas 3 (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/3_Mustaphas_3) are Brits...wouldn't you know it. Damn good job.

Mr. Goob
09-16-2007, 03:54 PM
Damn it you guys have ruined it for me. As a teenager in the 80's a girl gave me a mix tape (cheesy by itself) with Total eclipse of the heart on it. Every once in a blue moon when it comes on the radio I get a smile thinking of that girl.

Now I'm only going to remember how damn weird that video is.

Moirai
09-16-2007, 04:01 PM
Haysi Fantayzee: Shiny Shiny
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SjsnkIP4ddo



Oh holy crap... I remember that one from an MTV-ripoff video & dance show in SoCal called MV3... That girl looks like a female vampire Boy George...

Johnny L.A.
09-16-2007, 04:23 PM
Haysi Fantayzee: Shiny Shiny
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SjsnkIP4ddo
Catchy tune, though.

For some reason I always think of Fun Boy Three when I think of Haysi Fantayzee. It's just that this was the era when I was getting into music.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZtUc6Z4ZRSo

Don Draper
09-16-2007, 04:27 PM
Pikers! All of these videos ain't know nothin' from cheese! For truly ripe, soft-centered frommage, may I introduce you to a (http://youtube.com/watch?v=Hv0azq9GF_g) woman (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tWdHOm256N4) called (http://youtube.com/watch?v=QFMqV2FfPNk) Kate (http://youtube.com/watch?v=9DVvrcFi4M0) Bush (http://youtube.com/watch?v=xz07Hf5htfY).

Johnny L.A.
09-16-2007, 04:32 PM
Pikers! All of these videos ain't know nothin' from cheese! For truly ripe, soft-centered frommage, may I introduce you to a (http://youtube.com/watch?v=Hv0azq9GF_g) woman (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tWdHOm256N4) called (http://youtube.com/watch?v=QFMqV2FfPNk) Kate (http://youtube.com/watch?v=9DVvrcFi4M0) Bush (http://youtube.com/watch?v=xz07Hf5htfY).
What video? Let's see that chainmail bikini again...

jjimm
09-16-2007, 04:38 PM
What video? Let's see that chainmail bikini again..."I make videos... that give men erections."

(Pamela Stephenson taking the piss out of Kate Bush in Not the Nine O'Clock News, circa 1979.)

devilsknew
09-16-2007, 05:03 PM
The Red Hot Chili Peppers have always had some interesting videos.

True Men Don't Kill Coyotes (http://youtube.com/watch?v=Z3Jwvk6MGV8&mode=related&search=) was one of their firsts.

Cheesey or cool... you decide. Personally I think it was an influential gouda that set the stage for the last 10 years of baby belle.

jjimm
09-16-2007, 05:47 PM
I think they were just being silly. Like a cranberry-infused stilton.

Tenebras
09-16-2007, 06:27 PM
Ok, so the "bright eyes" in the Bonnie Tyler video were a bit much, and slow motion doves and wind machines are effects appreciated more for their absence. I acknowledge all of this to be true. I think you guys are all missing the granddaddy of them all for cheesy music videos. It has everything you could possibly desire: funky camera angles, hokey visual metaphors, repetetive hokey visual metaphors, big hair, and a freaking awesome song to boot.

Ladies and gentlemen, I present you with Romeo and Juliet (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gz4TDrE67mI) by Dire Straits.

For those of you who can't access YouTube, allow me to describe the first verse of the video: The guitar intro plays as a man in white walks down a white hallway, shot from above. (Rat mazes for people! B.F. Skinner would be proud.) As the intro ends and the singing starts we have our man in white now walking towards us down a hallway. There are 3 man in black leaning against the walls and a spotlight illuminating a circle on the wall.

Why is there a spotlight? You'll see.

Romeo bops down the hallway doing this completely white-boy finger snap motion. Distracting and... we get our first dose of heavy handed visuals. As Mark Knopfler intones "laying everybody low" the bobbing extras lie down. Wait, it get's better. To the dulcet accompaniment of "finds a streetlight" Romeo steps into the illuminated circle. At this point you may experience facial twitching. Don't worry, this is a side effect of brain damage and it's completely normal. The tingling sensation you feel is caused by the neurons commiting suicide. Enjoy the feeling. It is a Good Thing.

Of course, this is just the beginning. In just a few seconds you'll experience the glory of a hand rolling dice which then explode into your heart which segues into a shot of silhouettes watching Juliet projected onto a screen. Because of the movie song. You know, do doooo da duuum. Do deee da duuumm.... You probably don't remember it. Juliet's big hair drove it from your mind. Back to the video. If you watch the screen you see Romeo sneak up behind Juliet, reclining on a sort of fainting couch. Of course, the time was wrong so he knocks her off the couch and then looks up sheepishly as the audience disappears. This part is a bit tricky, because of the vagaries of television, but what's going on here is that Romeo actually knocks Juliet off the couch with his enormous boner. The director's cut (or rather un-cut) has a more graphic representation but sometimes art has to suffer under the hand of the almighty dollar. That's life.

It's getting hard to concentrate, what with the tunnel vision and the lightheadedness, but this is a sacrifice I'm willing to make for my fellow dopers.

Where was I? Ah yes, the soon-to-be Mr. and Mrs. Montagues walk up parallel hallways. Parallel spotless white hallways which represent streets of shame. But don't worrry, the director in his infinite wisdom has one of the street punks toss some garbage onto Romeo's side. At the moment someone decided that was a good idea an angel lost it's wings. Eh, it's all in the name of art. Fucker can walk like the rest of us. Our lovely couple pose at the end of the hallway so you can get a peek at Romeo's massive package before we cut to my favorite part of the video: chains of silver and gold! That's right, they did it. Chains of silver and gold. Silver and gold! Oh yeah, and a pretty stranger drives by in a soft-top and Romeo sits in a car in the rain. Brings a tear to my eye.

Speaking of tear to my eye, remember Romeo's package? Yeah, well Juliet used to cry when they made love. And we see this lovingly recreated with the biggest and fakiest tear this side of a Time magazine cover (http://marknicodemo.mu.nu/archives/Reagan.jpg).

Some more stuff about movie songs. Do dah doooo, da na la na--holy shit, she took her shirt off! Rewind, rewind!

Sorry, was thinking about the movie song.

Now there's a television screen and legs. Nice legs, but what does it have to do with television? Also, I think it's Big Brother's understudy warming up on the screen. Who the fu--oh, right. Can't talk like the guy on the TV screen. Dude, I've got news for you: nobody can talk like that. Those are sophisticated oral calisthenics he's performing there and not to be attempted by amateurs. You might sprain something. Aw shit, I guess I depressed him and now Romeo leapt off the building. This is actually quite sophisticated. You see, Juliet is the sun in the window, lit by the yellow light. Romeo, in white, taking the role of the moon, (for maximum pretentiousness you should pretend there's one of those little pointy things on the top of the o in role--you know they were thinking it) hurls himself from the rooftop in a vain attempt to extinguish himself on account of his sickly grief. Cheeky bastard, ain't he?

Blah blah blah, all I do is keep the beat and bad company. They really missed an opportunity to have our hero tapping out a rhythm here. That's ok, because the follow up not only with mismatched legs (poor fashion=bad company) but kissy lips. Just quick intercut of kissy lips. Followed fast by a whole bunch of kissy lips. If this were Easy Rider the next scene would be a bordello where all the hookers are poorly dressed types without redeeming qualities and scarcely any heart at all. You know, the exact opposite of Julia Roberts. And Annie, for that matter.

More tears, silhouettes, back to the movie theater and Juliet leaves his ass. As she dances halfheartedly off the screen I can't help but think that maybe our Romeo is better off without her. I mean, the woman clearly has no soul. What is she doing with her arms? Gah, it burns! Back to the streetlight. This time with no napping extras. I guess they got fired. Only Teamsters can pull that shit and a paycheck and let that be a lesson to you. That's ok, though, because we get to watch some chick in green vinyl (yes, green--want to make something of it?) "dance" down the hallway. And then "dance" some more. And she's still dancing. Dancing. Dancing. How does she get hired? Dancing. She must have incriminating pictures of somebody. Dancing. And she's done!

And um... a piece of brown something goes blowing down the hallway. WTF? I think it's the Bill of Rights, blowing in the wind, symbolizing the... the... right to... a trial by jury? Yeah, that's got to be it. You see, watching this video was a trial by fire and so um... it was totally unfair, because some US Americans don't have maps and such as South Africa. Um. Somebody bail me out here. (Ha, an eighth amendment joke!)

Anyway, I think my brain is bleeding now. My eyes certainly are. I'll be over here marinating in gin if you need me.

Tenebras

Bobotheoptimist
09-16-2007, 06:54 PM
Ahem. (http://youtube.com/watch?v=DvNOZegkVXo) It's a wonder this didn't get used in the soundtrack for Highlander, it's such high quality.Oh yeah, that's the good stuff!

Moirai
09-16-2007, 07:00 PM
You have to admit, though, that the video for Cloudbusting (http://youtube.com/watch?v=IRHA9W-zExQ&mode=related&search=) was a great mini-movie, back when few artists were making them (and I can't believe how young Donald Sutherland looks in it).

Contrapuntal
09-16-2007, 08:33 PM
3 Mustaphas 3 (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7Qa-z73rMCM)

It's cheeze is intentional, EuroHip and ironic, a little self depricating cultural awareness, from some great Yugo musicians. I have one of their albums and it is really good.3 Mustaphas 3 crack it hard. I love those guys.

Anaamika
09-16-2007, 09:48 PM
The absolute worst, though, has to be the Indian version of Thriller.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LbvP7dT3Dx0
I'd like to point out that that's South Indian. :D

Mindfield
09-16-2007, 10:47 PM
Gunther is definitely up there, but I can't believe this thread has gone two pages without some of the most fragrant fromage ever to grace celluloid (or at least, mylar). (Note: These are obviously amateurs, but seriously. You won't get the stink out of your monitor for weeks)

Allow me to present the nominees for Worst Music Video Of All Time.

Category: Most Likely To Implode Into a Giant Ball of Flamin'
Samwell (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fbGkxcY7YFU)
(Bonus category: Worst Use of Sexual Symbolism)

Category: Most Likely To Have Been Filmed by Random Pedestrians
Jan Terri (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V3nVHkxDA1M)
(Bonus Category: Singer Most Likely to be Mistaken for Zelda Rubinstein)

Category: OH GOD MY EARS! MY EYES! MY EARS AND EYES! THEY ARE MELTING! MEEELLLITIIIIINNNNG! Oh, what a world, what a world...
Rehdogg (http://youtube.com/watch?v=8mWW6kRITEY)
(Bonus Category: SERIOUSLY MAKE IT STOP)


Category: Most Dubious Tribute to 9/11
Delfin Quishpe (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XfpVpDZ-vj4)

There are others but I'm having trouble searching for them. I'll have to spend more time to dig them up, but rest assured, they're just as awesomely horrid.

fishbicycle
09-16-2007, 11:36 PM
betenoir already mentioned A Flock Of Seagulls, but it's so bad, it needs elaboration.

The video for I Ran (http://youtube.com/watch?v=uUjIA3Rt7gk) has these guys playing their instruments and singing in a little studio outfitted with mirrors and aluminum foil! The camera pans in circles, and you can see in the mirrors that the camera has aluminum foil wrapped around its tripod and body. It's got the ugly space-girls with three pounds of makeup on, whose eyes radiate stars when they look at you. It's got the singer feeling his way along the mirror like he was trapped.

Man, there's enough cheese in this video to keep you stopped up for a month!

And I have to mention that Billy Squier's career was wrecked by that video for Rock Me Tonite. I never saw it when it was new, it was only last year when somebody here pointed me to it on youtube. It's one of those things I wish I could erase from my brain. It was the totally wrong video to make for that song. I've always thought it was one of rock's truly majestic songs. It's got swagger, power, sex, desperation, wanting to break the bounds and escape, it's got killer hooks and killer playing by all, stellar production values. But the video is so gay it must embarrass even people who really are gay.

Anaamika
09-16-2007, 11:39 PM
Allow me to present the nominees for Worst Music Video Of All Time.

Category: Most Likely To Implode Into a Giant Ball of Flamin'
Samwell (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fbGkxcY7YFU)
(Bonus category: Worst Use of Sexual Symbolism)

.
Are you kidding? That was awesome. I think I cried I was laughing so hard. I got my So to watch it, too. The best thing was the comment..."this guy made me question my sexuality!"

devilsknew
09-17-2007, 02:01 AM
Has this cheese set yet...or is it still to sharpen?...Mr. Magic's Wand by Whodini (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zzg7H8CYeT4)

Warning 80's fashion attack! Funny thing is, I had a pink and purple plaid shirt exactly like one of the dancers in this video.

Caractacus Pott
09-17-2007, 08:18 AM
Yet another entry from Scandinavia: Abba-Ring Ring (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZEbZqnC2oN4). This one's aged cheese: filmed in 1973, first seen on TV in 1999. I can't imagine why. Maybe because it was filmed in someone's back yard behind a 747 taking off? Could it be that accurate lip syncing outlawed in Stockholm in 1973? Were the girls not dancing to the same song? What about the odd lighting on the close-ups? Granted, it's not Cheez Whiz like the OP, but it's still Velveeta-licious.

Smith8762
09-17-2007, 08:45 AM
Ronnie James Dio's Holy Diver (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bkysjcs5vFU)

Kyla
09-17-2007, 08:55 AM
When I saw the title of this thread, "Total Eclipse of the Heart" immediately popped into my head. There's this show on...VH1 Europe or VH1 Eastern Europe or something called VH1 Jukebox, where viewers can request videos through the net, which often results in some REALLY weird video combinations, or often just really weird videos being shown. Because people seem to request them based on what songs they like and don't really consider that the associated video may be...shit.

So, I actually saw "Total Eclipse of the Heart" on VH1 Jukebox a couple months ago. WTF is right. I was kinda scared of those, um, bright eyed zombie creatures. Like those kids in that old movie with the evil blond children? You know what I'm talking about.

Dung Beetle
09-17-2007, 09:34 AM
Total Eclipse is definitely #1, I'd put The Warrior at #2, and So I Ran at #3. But may I submit for honorable mention: Abracadabra by the Steve Miller Band, Rock of Ages by Def Leppard, and whichever Heart video it is that has the gold being poured into the mold and then Ann Nancy the blond one stepping out of it.

Man, the eighties were great.

Spoke
09-17-2007, 09:39 AM
So, I actually saw "Total Eclipse of the Heart" on VH1 Jukebox a couple months ago. WTF is right. I was kinda scared of those, um, bright eyed zombie creatures. Like those kids in that old movie with the evil blond children? You know what I'm talking about.

Village of the Damned (http://www.zaporacle.com/textpattern/images/58.jpg)

BaneSidhe
09-17-2007, 09:45 AM
Ronnie James Dio's Holy Diver (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bkysjcs5vFU)

I concur! I sat there watching it on youTube not long ago and saying, "So, when do the dragons show up?"

Hypno-Toad
09-17-2007, 09:47 AM
The sheer pretentiousness of TEotH has me dizzy. First of all, the song is pretentious, but that's OK, it's still a good song. But then the video director looked in their Big Book of Film School Cliches and couldn't find a single one that wasn't TOTALLY AWESOME! Can't decide which hackneyed film metaphor to illustrate your burning directorial vision? Use them all! The only thing missing was a tear landing on (or even better, running down and dripping off of) a rose.

I loved the greasers using the "Outstretched hand suddenly jerking back towards the face and clenching a fist" move. Soooooo Solid Gold Dancer-esque.

That video really makes me appreciate just how good Spinal Tap was at parodying that kind of self-importance in the music world.

BaneSidhe
09-17-2007, 09:47 AM
Total Eclipse is definitely #1, I'd put The Warrior at #2, and So I Ran at #3. But may I submit for honorable mention: Abracadabra by the Steve Miller Band, Rock of Ages by Def Leppard, and whichever Heart video it is that has the gold being poured into the mold and then Ann Nancy the blond one stepping out of it.

Man, the eighties were great.

Absolutely---"Rock of Ages." I loves my boys but HOLY GEEBUS, folks.

jk1245
09-17-2007, 11:46 AM
Lots of good (or bad, I guess) ones.

I present the following:

Apache (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eTKL8MNH95Q)

I don't know who this band is, but the low budget production, along with the Indian maiden dancers make it extra special.

Then, there's the buckskin clad lead singer and his oh so sexy dancing.

The saddest, funniest, and at the same time scariest part is that they were dead serious when they made this.

Kizarvexius
09-17-2007, 12:00 PM
I always thought that the creepy flying choirboy was going to followed by all of the others as they clawed their way into the air in a slow-motion, spiraling dance -- before exploding bloodlessly. All the while, the gathered witnesses are chanting "Re-new! Re-new! Re-new!"

Okay, I know that I've got Total Eclipse of the Heart mixed up with the Carousel scene from Logan's Run. But it's a juxtaposition I've never been able to get out of my head.

control-z
09-17-2007, 12:04 PM
Total Eclipse of the Heart is cheesy, sure. But at least there was some production going on. Music videos were just getting popular.

Turn on MTV today and all you see are gold and diamond-encrusted teeth, big chains, expensive pimped-out cars, and BOOTY SHAKING. So much booty shaking.

Dinsdale
09-17-2007, 01:16 PM
Any youngsters out there may not realize that there are at least a few people "of a certain age" who can get an immediate reaction out of each other by doing that Safety Dance thing with their arms from that Men Without Hats vid, where you jerkily put both arms horizontally with one arm head-high pointing one direction, and the other waist-high pointing the other.

Anyone have any clue exactly WTF that was about? I'll bet it's some kinda Canadian thing...

Ceejaytee
09-17-2007, 01:25 PM
Aside from "I Love You Tender", these videos have me convinced that the Finns are the whitest people on the planet.

Finnish YMCA cover
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lCgrG35-3js

Damn you! I wanted to post that!

The Bonnie Tyler video didn't have enough dancing ninja and the football players needed more screen time too. But wasn't her hair awesome! You don't see do's like that anymore.

jjimm
09-17-2007, 01:26 PM
So much booty shaking.You say this as if it's a bad thing.

Hypno-Toad
09-17-2007, 02:27 PM
Ronnie James Dio's Holy Diver (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bkysjcs5vFU)

He looks like the Witchsmeller Pursuivant.

Mindfield
09-17-2007, 03:40 PM
Any youngsters out there may not realize that there are at least a few people "of a certain age" who can get an immediate reaction out of each other by doing that Safety Dance thing with their arms from that Men Without Hats vid, where you jerkily put both arms horizontally with one arm head-high pointing one direction, and the other waist-high pointing the other.

Anyone have any clue exactly WTF that was about? I'll bet it's some kinda Canadian thing...
I know exactly what you're talking about.

Of course, I'm Canadian, so I'm not a good metric.

::strikers an enthusiastic square shape with his arms::




What?? I can dance if I want to.

Gatopescado
09-17-2007, 06:40 PM
My offering for a bizarre video: Pat Benatar's Shadows of the Night (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ME0U9nY0AH4&mode=related&search=) - what the hell did this song have to do with the Battle of Britain?

Oh, man! This video is so bad, it offended my sensibilities at the age of 15. High Cheese Factor.

TommyTutone
09-17-2007, 07:04 PM
Hey man, don't hassle the Hoff (especially not in a vintage year).

How about
The Safety Dance. (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HcOZ6xFxJqg)

Bite your tongue! Men without Hats was not only a wonderful group, but this video is fun and not in the least bit cheesy. Their Pop Goes the World is also unusual, but not cheesy thankyouverymuch: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AjIrrL8gaNQ

Warrant's 'Cherry Pie', however, is everything that is right and wrong about music videos at the same time. http://www.starpulse.com/Music/Warrant/Videos/756201/

xizor
09-17-2007, 07:16 PM
The video for I Ran (http://youtube.com/watch?v=uUjIA3Rt7gk) has these guys playing their instruments and singing in a little studio outfitted with mirrors and aluminum foil!

The greatest thing about this video though is the fact that if you watch the lead singer, he is not playing his keyboard (Unless you count holding down a key for about 20 seconds until you decide to hold down a different key for the next 20 seconds as playing).

And as for the Safety Dance video, I thought that arm thing was their attempt to make an "S" in grand YMCA fashion.

TommyTutone
09-17-2007, 08:20 PM
Also, as for recent, but intentional and super amazingly awesome cheese is No More Kings 'Sweep the Leg' featuring much of the cast of the original Karate Kid. It's amazing that the antagonist in the video, after he shaves, looks like he hasn't aged in 22 years, although neither has the super secret cameo at the end of the video.

The fact that the song is really good is just gravy: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uFlQNtL8F9s

Eonwe
09-17-2007, 08:37 PM
Ronnie James Dio's Holy Diver (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bkysjcs5vFU)

Beat me to it! This is pretty much the video that the Tenacious D video for Wonderboy was based on (at least, I think so).

I submit Van Halen's Jump (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8e-vgQSqNtA). It's bare-bones cheesy. I can't help but laugh through this whole video (and I love the song). In particular, I love that there is no keyboardist in the video, despite the fact that the song is almost entirely keyboard-based.

Rush wins some cheese awards. I submit Time Stand Still (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qzySVkMMqlE) as one of many of their cheesy videos.

Spoke
09-17-2007, 09:15 PM
You know, we are only just scratching the surface of pretentious and/or goofy 80s videos. (I love 'em all, though.)

Send Me an Angel (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qBlVYIbL97g) - Real Life (Renaissance maidens! With werewolves!)

Magic (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6bEu9wLDjKY) - The Cars (Uncle Sam gets in on the act! For no apparent reason!)

You Might Think (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c8oZZJojROo) - The Cars (Vincent Price, eat your heart out!)

Don't Come Around Here No More (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b5H0wUo37RY) - Tom Petty (In Wonderland!)

The Look of Love (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6DvDzxraV1o) - ABC (The colors!)

Love Plus One (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_f8Sser_DJU) - Haircut 100 (Voodoo priest? Check! Tarzan impersonation? Check! Surfers? Check!)

Stand and Deliver (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VPgHbt0ODr4) - Adam and the Ants (Historical drama at its dramiest!)

Strip (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7RukBVmNvns) - Adam Ant (More of the same!)

It Must Be Love (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DnTmRKuMqqs) - Madness ('nuff said!)

MissGypsy
09-17-2007, 10:20 PM
I submit Van Halen's Jump (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8e-vgQSqNtA). It's bare-bones cheesy. I can't help but laugh through this whole video (and I love the song). In particular, I love that there is no keyboardist in the video, despite the fact that the song is almost entirely keyboard-based.

Then how do you explain the shots of Eddie Van Halen playing keyboard toward the end of the video?

Eonwe
09-17-2007, 10:33 PM
Then how do you explain the shots of Eddie Van Halen playing keyboard toward the end of the video?

Oh, right, I forgot he does play the keys in the video for the keyboard solo. Though, his playing doesn't match with what you hear.

Still, cheesy, I think.

Spoke
09-17-2007, 10:52 PM
Can't believe I forgot this bit of übercheese:

Mr. Roboto (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JRNGbs26MNo) - Styx

Swallowed My Cellphone
09-17-2007, 11:55 PM
Can't believe I forgot this bit of übercheese:

Mr. Roboto (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JRNGbs26MNo) - Styx
:: sniff :: That was beautiful!

I've always wanted to see the grand frommage that was Dennis DeYoung's atempt at an 80s rock opera in its entirety though.

P.S. DeYoung has always reminded me of the guy who played the singing mannequin on the Canadian kids' show "Today's Special".

pepperlandgirl
09-18-2007, 01:25 AM
I don't know if Van Halen's Pretty Woman video is cheesy or terrifying....either way, it deserves mention.

devilsknew
09-18-2007, 01:59 AM
Can't believe noone has sliced into this stinky brie.

Baltimora-Tarzan Boy (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_r0n9Dv6XnY).

It was pre or concurrent A-Ha (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CUod3jGQt0U). This all was Apple tech.

Mangetout
09-18-2007, 05:20 AM
Can't believe noone has sliced into this stinky brie.

Baltimora-Tarzan Boy (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_r0n9Dv6XnY).
Nice one. Also, how about The Lion Sleeps Tonight (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ow9EaGQHFW0) - more Dairylea triangles than stinky Brie though, this one.

auRa
09-18-2007, 05:38 AM
Aside from "I Love You Tender", these videos have me convinced that the Finns are the whitest people on the planet.

Finnish YMCA cover
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lCgrG35-3js



Well, that's actually a parody video made in the 70's for a Finnish sketch show called Hepskukkuu. Lately they found the guy who plays the lead singer in the video; he's working as a librarian, iirc, and jokingly said that if they paid him enough, they would do a Gregorius reunion tour.

The Armi and Danny one, though, is real, unfortunately. They were going to go on to world domination with this English translation of their wonderful, wonderful act.... or then again not.

The disco dude is also real. The man is Ċke Blomqvist, a Finnish dance instructor who is about five centuries old and still teaches dancing. He's a very old-type-gentlemanly person. I've been to his ballroom dancing class.

Martini Enfield
09-18-2007, 06:24 AM
Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you The '80s in a nutshell:

Nice Video... Shame About The Song. (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mgieDqMd5LQ)

Wild? I was absolutely livid... :D

jjimm
09-18-2007, 08:21 AM
Perhaps I should start a thread for this, but how about Barnes & Barnes Fish Heads (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LzpN9ce_qF0) for the most 'ick' video ever.

Ick. It makes me want to have a shower.