A time of grief and relief

[EddyTeddyFreddy]

My mother is 89 years old. She has been in terrible shape for years now -- from arthritis, congestive heart failure, dwindling sight and hearing -- from that host of miseries the crumbling body can inflict upon the weary soul resident within. With all her mental faculties intact, she has clung to whatever small pleasures remain to her (go Red Sox!), while longing for release from the prison of her physical husk.

Now the end is near. Now the wearying shuttle between assisted living, hospital, rehab, and on and on is almost over. It won't be much longer now.

Mom is at peace with her impending death -- may be days, may be weeks, we all hope not months given how she's been suffering. Her mind is clear and unclouded by dementia or regrets. She knows this is the end and she's grateful. She's been suffering for a long time and just wants to let go. We, my siblings and I, don't want to lose her but don't want to keep her from the release she longs for.

Hospice is providing wonderful comfort care and mom has 24-hour nursing coverage now. She's back from the hospital, in her suite at the Life Care assisted living where she's lived for the last decade and where the staff love her. She won't ever be going back to the hospital; she's staying put, as she wishes. The Life Care people pop into her room to see her whether or not they need to, just because they want to. My older brother's coming in from Illinois this weekend; my sister's down each weekend from Vermont; my younger brother and I have been trading off be with mom days during the week.

Mom's happily giving away her stuff to her kids. She gave my sister her engagement ring last weekend, after being reassured that I, the elder daughter, don't mind. ("Of course not! Barbara has daughters to hand it on to; I don't.") She asked me yesterday what I want and was delighted when I told her -- "Your big TV, Mom." "Oh, good! But is that all? Isn't there anything else you want? What about my fleece jacket?" So I tried it on and modeled it for her, and gladdened her heart by promising I'd take it.

We four siblings are in accord on what mom needs now, and how we're handling the aftermath of mom's death. My younger brother has been mom's fiduciary for quite a while and is tending to all such details. My sister has taken on the post mortem phone call notifications and has informed me that I should do the obituary, since I'm the writer in the family -- an agreeable division of labor. There won't be any ugly heir-fights over mom's money (whatever's left from providing her needs; we don't care whether there's anything, so long as she gets what she requires) or her tangible stuff, we discussed all that back in August and we're of one mind. As far as any death can be, this will be a good death, and for that we all, including my mother, are grateful.

I'm also grateful for morphine; Hospice has seen to it that mom's getting enough so she's no longer wracked by unremitting pain. There's a calm about her now that is comforting to see. This is a curious time of grief and relief for all of us.

[fessie]

How beautiful.

I wish you well.

[OtakuLoki]

I'm glad to hear that things are feeling so peaceful for you and your mother. Considering some of the drama that family deaths can entail, and some of the horror stories here on the Dope, I'm glad to hear an account from the other end of the tact pool.

I understand the mix of grief and relief you're feeling, I lost my grandfather to Alzheimer's years before his body died. Cherish the time you have left, and your mother's attitude.

Bless you all.

[Eureka]

I know where you are coming from. Well, as much as someone whose parents are still alive and well can. My grandmother died unexpectedly at the end of August. And yet, she was 86, she'd been in declining health for a while, had to quit her non-stop embroidery more than a year ago, sold her car last fall, parted with 5 boxes of clothes that no longer fit as she withered away in July, saw all children in July, grandchildren in March or July, great grandchildren in March. . .

Then she fell, spent a month in the hospital, and finished with a stroke. We'll miss her, but she's in a better place, she was herself to the end (no dementia), and she would not have wanted to live in a nursing home and give up her independence.

Her apartment is still somewhat intact--the children go to divvy stuff up at the end of the month.

But, the timing could have been a lot worse.

[Missy2U]

You and your family are in my thoughts, ETF.

[LavenderBlue]

My sincerest hopes are that your mother has an easy and painless end. She sounds like a wonderful person.

[elbows]

I've been where you are, though it was in my own home. I fully understand the oddly disturbing combination of grief and relief. You all sound like you're doing very well with it all.

I encourage you and yours to not hesitate to climb right into that bed and give her a big old true hug, or the closest you can manage. She misses that, I promise. And even should she slip into that half world of between here and there, keep on talking to her. Telling her she's doing great, and that you know she can hear you. List her loved ones and tell her how they are all going to be okay. This is the kind of reassurance people need before that final step. Also deliver her some kisses, soft gentle puppy kisses all over her face like a lover might deliver. I promise she misses that too. Get some of her music playing softly, she'll love that!

It's a difficult journey but rewarding for those who can stay in the moment. You and yours sound like you are doing just that. You have both my admiration and respect.

When I was going through it I listened to a cd that contained a song called, "I'll Fly Away", which I found very reassuring. "Just a few more weary days and then, I'll fly away. To a place where joy will never end, I'll fly away." It's a very beautiful song.

You and yours will be in my thoughts and prayers in the days and weeks ahead. Sending good vibes your way.

[tdn]

Wow, ETF. That sucks and is nice at the same time. My ex went through the same thing a couple of years ago, and it wasn't met with as much courage. Her mother would have been 88 now.

Something else they have in common -- both were around to see the Red Sox win the World Series. Twice.

How about a third coinicidence -- Is your mother, by any chance, at Epoch in Norton?

[Dottygumdrop]

{{{ETF}}}. I hope you and your family can continue to provide love and support to your mother and each other in her final days.

[ivylass]

Farewell, ETF Mom. You done good. You raised a good bunch of kids, and they'll be able to carry on when you're gone, maybe with an emptier heart, but one that is happier, knowing your pain is over.

Delight in her life, ETF. Looks like you've got her passing all taken care of. Nothing more to do but keep her laughing.

[EddyTeddyFreddy]

Born Virginia Colman Sheppard, in Lowell, to Ralph L. Sheppard and Ruby Colman Sheppard (nee Hull)

Married Norman Albert Graf, 1942

Survived by four children, six grandchildren, two great-grandchildren

Her four children were with her on her last day

Rest in peace

[dogbutler]

I am so sorry ETF

[gardentraveler]

I'm sorry for your loss, ETF. I'm glad, though, that she was able to go so peacefully and that you were all able to be with her.

GT

[Cheez_Whia]

You are in my thoughts ETF.

[Maastricht]

That was beautiful to read. An end to be wished for. Good luck and strenght to all of you.

[bbs2k]

:(

Again.

[EddyTeddyFreddy]

How about a third coinicidence -- Is your mother, by any chance, at Epoch in Norton?
Ah, I forgot to answer this. No, it's Life Care of Stoneham, up by Spot Pond, next to what used to be New England Memorial Hospital (where I was born). Mom was a resident of Melrose almost all of her life. Our family spent many summers at Lake Winnipesaukee in New Hampshire, took vacation trips through Maine and Vermont even before the coming of the interstates. We're New Englanders way way back on mom's side of the family. In fact, yesterday we were going through some old papers I found tucked away, among which was genealogical research taking the Hull line back to the 1750's.

Ah, I'm babbling. Lots of memories sloshing around in my head.

[whiterabbit]

{{{{{{{ETF and family}}}}}}}

[ivylass]

Born Virginia Colman Sheppard, in Lowell, to Ralph L. Sheppard and Ruby Colman Sheppard (nee Hull)

Married Norman Albert Graf, 1942

Survived by four children, six grandchildren, two great-grandchildren

Her four children were with her on her last day

Rest in peace

There are good deaths, and there are bad deaths. It sounds like your mom had a good death. I won't tell you not to grieve and cry, but try to remember her with laughter too.

Your family is in my thoughts.

And I know it was probably a typo, but your mom didn't die tomorrow, did she? You meant Saturday the 13th?

[Khadaji]

Nothing I can say will make this easier, but know that you are in my thoughts anyway.

[picunurse]

ETF, your OP was beautiful. I'm so sorry for your loss. I know that being prepared doesn't make the loss any less. What it will do, is make the healing easier.
Take care of yourself and your siblings.

[EddyTeddyFreddy]

There are good deaths, and there are bad deaths. It sounds like your mom had a good death. I won't tell you not to grieve and cry, but try to remember her with laughter too.

Your family is in my thoughts.

And I know it was probably a typo, but your mom didn't die tomorrow, did she? You meant Saturday the 13th?
:smack: I mean around 5:00 a.m. the 14th.

Gah.

[norinew]

Please know that you and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.

Almost 19 years ago, I went through a very similar situation with my mother, and could have kissed the hospice nurses for all they did to make sure the end was as comfortable for her as possible.

[swampbear]

ETF I'm so sorry for your loss. Your mom, you and all of your family are in my thoughts and prayers.

I'm so glad to see she died surrounded by her children. That's the best most comforting thing that could have happened.

[Baker]

One of the beautiful things about this thread is the obvious love and caring shown between the ETF siblings. So often we hear awful stories of family fights, and to see these folks in close accord is a comfort.

ETF, thank you for sharing. I will pray that things continue to go well for you and your family. Thank God your mom is at peace.

[Dangerosa]

I am very sorry for your loss, and very thankful that your mother had a good life, was ready for it to end, and that your siblings remain family through it all. She, you and your siblings have been very fortunate.

[vivalostwages]

May she rest in peace.

Thank you for sharing this. I remember all too well "the wearying shuttle," as you so aptly put it, when my dad was dying last year and my friend's mom was dying just a few months ago. It is indeed a profound blend of grief and relief when it comes to an end.

[BaneSidhe]

May your Mum rest in peace.

[hugs] to you and yours.

[EddyTeddyFreddy]

Thanks, all, for your thoughtful words. They're very much appreciated.

We've got the immediate aftermath pretty much squared away, and continue to be of one mind on everything. Knowing how completely we can rely on each other has been a tremendous support for all of us.

[Dolores Reborn]

{{{ETF and family}}}

[velvetjones]

I'm sorry for your loss ETF Your family sounds beautiful. I Wish you many lasting memories of your mother and hope you and your siblings get a chance to reminisce and laugh amid the grief.

[Liberal]

Your love and your family's love are beautiful, ETF. Blessings and comfort for all of you.